Blah...blah...blahging thru this journey

Stage 3 & 4 post Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Surgery

2012-01-21T19:37:00.000-08:00

To read my story from the beginning start here , then here then here then here

Sorry for the terribly long delay regarding the next stages of my story. It was around the time of the last post that this whole cancer messwas going on and all I could think about was do I have it or don't I have it, so I wasn't up to posting any more blogs.

But now that mess is over!

So where were we?

Ok - stage 3 - pureed food (read baby food). By this time I had not had solid foods in 3, almost 4 weeks. I had no desire to eat, but I knew I had to because I was wasting away, physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically, I had gone into starvation mode because of low protein and low caloric intake. Mentally, it was hard to focus on anything - I swear I have no clue what I was doing during that time, I just remember walking back and forth to the kitchen every 15-20 minutes to get my 2 ounce protein shake or 2 ounces of water and then going back to sit in my chair. I also remember A LOT of Law & Order..... thank God for Law & Order - original, SVU, Criminal Intent - they are always on, no matter the time of day, you just have to keep the faith and keep changing channels.

So Stage 3 - I was so excited - FOOD! Real Food! Okay, well not REAL food. More like real food I had to prepare then throw in the blender until it no longer resembled food anymore. I had done a lot of research online and I studied my food diaries that were given to me by the dietitian and I went to work. I have to admit, this was where the rubber hit the road for me. I have never spent as much time researching what food was, how it was going to affect me, how many calories, what were the nutritional benefits, how do you balance calories to nutrition ...etc , etc, etc. I of course had lived my life on diets - I ate what Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig told me to eat or i would restrict myself on the latest and greatest craze....(Cabbage Soup Diet... never again...banana milk day killed me every time). But I never really figured out what I was doing or why I was doing it. I just knew that the commercials or posters told me that if I do what these people tell me to do I would lose weight and be happy.

But this time was different. The goal was 1000 calories with 60-80 grams of protein. It is really damn hard to get that much protein in with those few calories, especially when you have NO DESIRE to eat. I was more like a scientist than a chef. I would lay out all of the ingredients for a possible recipe, calculate the calories and nutritional content, alter the recipe to get the biggest bang for my buck, then measure it all out, cook it, puree it, and then weigh it into 2 ounce servings. And it is not like I could do just one meal, because you don't want to eat the same meal, all day, for 3 days. So I was calculating, cooking, and preparing many meals all at one time. The great part was once I did all of that, I had easy frozen portions, and all I had to do was heat and serve. The bad part, I would discover later, was that i would find myself not tolerating certain foods, so all of my hard work would be wasted. Certain foods just would not go down or stay down.

Quite a few of my recipes had cheese in it. I had an Italian recipe with ground meat, ricotta, and tomato sauce. I had a ground meat with Campbell's cheddar cheese soup. I did Chicken with cream of mushroom or cream of chicken soup. I tried a turkey with gravy. My biggest protein, but worst digestive enemy was Tuna salad. I also had Greek yogurt, cream of wheat, and cream soups, but those were more for comfort as nutritionally they were not as great as the pureed meals. Most meals had to be a portent with a cheese or a sauce to help it to go down smoothly.

I did start to feel better almost instantly once I was getting more calories in. I went back to work, started rehearsals for Tamarie Cooper's summer show, and started to realize things did not fit anymore. This was working. It was really really working. Within the first few rehearsals, it was time for measurements and sizes, and I had no clue what to tell them.
A. I had no clue what size I was.
B. I had no clue what size I would be on opening night.
C. I had no clue what size I was going to be when the show closed.
A quick jump ahead - the entire rehearsal process and run of the show was from late May to late August. Most people thought I was insane for agreeing to the 14 hour days (work then straight to rehearsals) so close after the surgery, but truthfully, it was the best thing for me and my journey. I was busy... really really busy and I had no time to sit around and stare at myself willing the pounds to melt away. I was very active and the activities filled my soul with joy because I was doing what i love with people I love. Tamarie had pulled costumes that I was certain would never fit me, but low and behold they fit, were too big, or by the end of the run, they were falling off of me. It was AWESOME!!!!!

Back to the baby food. This stage lasted for 3 weeks. It got old. It got boring. Especially since I was having trouble with some of the above recipes, so I was repeating the same meals over and over again. But, I was busy, so I just treated it like medicine - just do it and get it over with. I was still not able to take my vitamins regularly because I would get very sick to my stomach, but I was getting my calcium from the never ending supply of Tums or Maalox antacids that I was popping quite frequently. I had a lot of acid and food intolerance, so most meals ended with the chalky dessert treat! Later I found a daily dose of Zegrid helped with the heartburn/reflux. I ended up taking the Zegrid for about 3-4 months, and eventually, my body had settled down, I knew my triggers and it was not a problem anymore.

One of the things I was missing the most during this time, and still do miss, is drinking while eating. You are not supposed to drink while eating because there is very little room in there, so you don't want to waste precious space with fluid. It would take me a good 1/2 to hour to recover from a meal before I could start drinking again. Now it is more like 15 to 20 minutes, but if I attempt to drink too soon after eating, the whole meal goes down the toilet.

Stage 4 - Food - REAL CHEWABLE FOOD. Oh happy day. I can eat again. I can chew, I can crunch, I can savor individual ingredients instead of a mushy mix of all ingredients. Back to normal, just much smaller portions! Right?!?!

RIGHT?!?!

Not so fast, Missy. Yes. I could eat. But I quickly realized food would never be the same again. I can only speak for myself, but I will honestly tell you, nothing tastes the same as before the surgery. I believe it to be entirely emotional. Eating is no longer an event, it is a brief passing time in my day. One that I am very conscious of, taking time to plan ahead, but not something that consumes or comforts me. I used to think of my meals like little parties. I couldn't wait to go have dinner with friends - hours and hours of chips and salsa, and fried gooeyness topped with margarita after margarita. That does not and cannot happen anymore. For one, it is not a healthy choice and it is what got me into trouble in the first place and two, there just isn't room and would likely get stuck, and I would be miserable.

One night, shortly after moving to the food stage, I told my family, I wanted Mexican. i want to go to a Mexican restaurant, order a meal, and feel normal. I thought about it all day, where we were going to go, what I was going to order, how amazing it was going to taste. I ordered something soft - cheese enchiladas. The hot plate came, i took 2 bites and the moment was gone. It did not taste as good as before, my body was angry at me for what I was putting in it, and I had to leave the table to walk off my uncomfortable feeling. After this, I realized things were changing forever - I mourned the loss, and got over it. Change is good. Putting on pants that did not fit because they were too big felt soooo much better than putting on pants that did not fit because they were too small. It was just that simple.

Well... one great side effect of this journey is my ability to instantly fall asleep at a reasonable time, which is what I must go do now. More to come.

Phew!! That was close!

2012-01-05T08:03:00.001-08:00

Well... let's just start with the punch line:

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER!!!

WHOOOPPPPEEEEE!!!!!

Now to catch you up.

So, apparently you find the craziest things when you lose 110 lbs. I found a mass. A large uncomfortable mass the size of a ping pong ball. At my 6 month post surgery appointment, I showed my doctor. I tried to blow it off, he said, no....this is a *significant* mass that needs to be investigated. So we did. 2 CT scans, 2 MRI scans, a needle biopsy, and several weeks later, I finally got results today that they mass/tumor is benign - it is just a pain in my ass....literally - TMI?!? Maybe - but I am so damned relieved I could care less if I am sharing too much or not!!

This holiday season has been ROUGH! I have been hovering over a situation with manic thoughts from, "Oh you silly girl..this is nothing... you are so over dramatic!" to "Well, maybe I need to start making videos for the boys..."

It has been awful. It has been a terrible awful 2 months

The situation became more dramatic and frustrating with each call from the MD office - no, CT scan not enough, he wants MRI. Nope, MRI inconclusive - he wants a biopsy. The biopsy - (Good Lord, it was painful)- preliminary results - spindle cell - needs immunostains to confirm malignant or benign... wait wait wait.

Well, the wait is over. I am so blessed and relieved. I just have to have surgery to have it removed - and though it will be an unpleasant experience I am sure - it will be FAR less unpleasant had the results been different.

Cancer Free Happy Dance!!!

Yes, I was THAT parent!

2011-10-15T10:51:00.001-07:00

Lord, help me, I was that parent today.

So, I already shared that I am coaching my kids soccer team at the YMCA. Not because I have some inner desire to spread my version of this sport with the youth of the world, but because if no one volunteered, there would be no team. So I did. I had pretty much no clue what I was doing, but I did it.

My team - they are precious, truly precious, but very young and most had never played soccer at all ever. I have 5 yr olds in the team (how? I am not sure as this group is 6-8 yr olds, but whatever, the more the merrier, right?). So practices and games are more an exercise in keeping them from staring at their shoelaces, much less actually playing soccer.

Fine - we have had fun, we have played hard, we have played fair. Fast forward to today- now, you know you are in trouble when your little kids start to panic when they hear that we are playing this other team - let's call them.... The little Pele(s). Why? Because 4 pf the six kids are clearly brothers or close cousins who live eat and breath soccer. I have never - NEVER - seen anything like it. Foot work and plays that professionals would envy. It was amazing to watch - until it got ugly. Slam after slam, goal after goal, they fed off their victories like wild animals - each goal firing them up even more and the plays would get faster, uglier, harder and more dangerous. By the half - 4 of my 8 kids were in tears, from injuries due to unsportsman-like throws, kicks, or trips and just sheer frustration of never getting the chance to be anywhere near the ball.

At that point, I had it. I was done. I took a deep breath, walked right to the middle of the mob like parents and family of the other team. I confronted the other teams 6'4" coach and smiled my, I am gonna look like I am trying to be positive and thoughtful smile and not make a scene:

" Look, they are amazing, there is no doubt, but my kids are crying -CRYING!!! This is the YMCA - this is not a competitive playoff based league. People come here so their kids - ALL the kids- have fun. I am not asking you to throw the game, but come on - can ya move them around - pull some out for breaks? Change positions? Please - work with us here."

The coach kind of smirked at me like, sucks to be losers, I can't help that, and then the families all started talkiing around me in Spanish and laughing, like, can you believe this woman?

So I frustratingly smiled and turned right to the biggest culprits and said - "come on- please, let's not do this! Let's think of all the kids."

One mom just smiled irritatingly and said, "Oh, no, I didn't say anything," but then started smack talking in Spanish with her family,

At this point Mike walks up from across the field, saying in his thick Brooklyn bouncer accent- "Is there a problem?" to me. To which I said in the other team's direction - "No, we are good.... I think, we are good, right?" to the other parents.

Now, I will give props to the coach, he tried - but the parents of the little Pele(s) continued to egg the other kids on, and not much changed with them.

But things did change with us - I walked over to my team, huddled them up and gave them the speech I give them every practice and game. " when you are out on that field, I want you to have FUN, I want you to play FAIR, and I want you to work as a team. Just because they are playing harder and faster doesn't mean you don't get to play - that is not just their ball - you get in there and you attack that ball and take it away!!!"

And they did - but we didn't score a damn point. The other team killed us. But the second half, my kids played hard and I was proud of them.

The good news is, we don't have to play them again the rest of the season.

Stage 1 & 2 Post Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy Surgery

2011-10-13T09:04:00.001-07:00

To read my story from the beginning start here , then here then here.

Stage one post procedure is 3 days of clear liquids, every 15 minutes, 1 ounce. It was just a matter of doing it. There is no desire whatsoever to eat or drink. You just do it. And when you don’t want to do it – you have loved ones near by who remind you – it has been 15 minutes – do it. I will admit, I probably only got 3 out of 4 ounces each hour and rather than drinking all 1 ounce at one time, I sipped it for the entire 15 minutes – so it was like small trickles of fluid non stop. I preferred warm broth to cold or room temperature fluids like crystal light or water. I also had popsicles – those helped a lot when I needed some consistency in my mouth. As I talk about the stages – one of the hardest things I experienced was not chewing. I have no idea why. I am sure it was psychological, but I missed chewing and having texture in my mouth – popsicles where great in this area.

I spent most of my time in a recliner in my room. Lying down was uncomfortable and I had a lot of reflux issues. I just had this constant burning when I lay down, so I did not lie down very often. At night, I would start off in the bed, but by the middle of the night, I was up and sleeping in the chair. My husband raised my side of the mattress by folding a blanket and stuffing it under the mattress. That and a bunch of pillows around me helped, but I never really got a full night’s sleep for a while. Chewable tums/Mylanta etc became my best friend, until I started Zegrid – but that is much further in the story. In these early phases, I just suffered through it for the greater good.

Stage two, full liquids, started on Monday. This is where you add the protein drinks and you alternate 2ounces of fluid for the first two 15 minutes, then 2 ounces of protein shake for the next two 15 minute cycles. Trouble, Trouble. I could not tolerate the protein drinks. It almost instantly made me gag and throw up. I even tried heavy duty, more bang for your buck protein drinks and those were even worse. There was something about the synthetic protein that I just could not handle. It was very frustrating. I had no problems with these tyoes of drinks before surgery, but now, my body was just not cooperating. I tried to approach it very academically. My mother bought me the small plastic throw away containers (ya know, the one you make jello shots with?) and they were perfect 2 ounce containers. I would make my shakes in the morning, measure them out, and then store them in the fridge for all day. I had a chart to check off my success like stars on the kids’ chore list. I started each day out with a positive attitude and a plan. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this….I can’t do this……NO – YOU-CAN-DO-THIS!! … I can’t.

Cream if wheat became my savior. It was basically the only thing with a good source of nutrition that I could tolerate. I made it with real butter and honey to help add to the calories – sounds counter productive to what I was trying to accomplish, but I was barely getting 300-400 calories a day at this point – and that was with the real butter and honey. But it was something. Fluids, cream of wheat and cream soups – this became my life until day 14.

Wednesday (Post op day 6) – My dark day in the desert:
Wednesday was my darkest, ugliest day in this process. It was my first day alone. Mike had gone back to work, kids were at school. I cried and cried and cried. It had been almost two weeks without food, I was tired, and I was weak from surgery and no nutrition. I did not want to eat and I was being forced to drink something that made me even sicker. This was my torture, this was my purgatory. I was watching Eat Pray Love for the first time and all I could see was a woman trying to find herself, making mistakes, and nauseatingly overeating. I remember thinking – this is my penance for bad mistakes. The Chinese water torture of forcing fluids and shakes only to feel worse is my punishment for years of too many calories and poor choices. I was facing (for the first time) a situation where I did not want to eat but had too.

Oh yeah – and the worst part – I wasn’t losing weight. My body had gone into starvation mode. Because my pre-surgery weight loss was so significant, and I was not getting in enough nutrition for several days now – my body was refusing to give it up. I was searching forums regarding the surgery so much that when my cursor hit the search bar, it preloaded with a long list that always ended with post sleeve gastrectomy surgery:
Weight loss day 4 post sleeve gastrectomy
Protein drinks post sleeve gastrectomy
Why can’t I tolerate protein post sleeve gastrectomy
Did I make the wrong decision post sleeve gastrectomy?

This is when my mother started the now ever present lesson in this entire process. Give yourself a break. Did you hear that, Becky? Give your self a break. Your body is not a mathematical genius. Your body does not follow the rules. It will catch up with itself and the weight will come off – but you have to give yourself a break and know it is going to happen – not in your time, but it will happen.

On Friday, I had my 1 week post op appointment. I told my doctor about my issues with the protein and he told me he wasn’t all that worried about me getting a perfect score on my protein drink chart. He was more worried about keeping me hydrated. He also said my surgery was basically text book perfect – and it was tight – very tight – so he was not surprised with the volume issues.

By the following Monday, I was determined not to be a sick person. I decided I was going to go do the shopping while the kids were at school – maybe even hit the gym and walk on the treadmill. Bahahahaha – what a joke – I got winded by the time I made it to the back of the store. I kept pushing, and by the time I had a cart full of groceries, I truly felt like I was going to pass out. I called my husband weepy and he said, just leave the cart and go home, he was around the corner and he would meet me there. I was stubborn and said no – I couldn’t abandon the cart when I was so close, to just have to do it all over again another day. I checked out, humbly asked for help from the store to get me to the car and loaded then I drove home. Mike was there – he made me some soup and told me to go lay down.

So – I started to give myself a break at this point. I acknowledged that I was going to have to chill out and ride this out. I knew things would change when I got to stage three pureed food (read baby food). I knew I would be able to get more protein/nourishment at that point and I would have more energy – but until then, I couldn’t beat myself up because I could not run a marathon.

Next blog – Baby Food – Baby Steps.

My Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) Surgery:

2011-10-07T11:59:00.001-07:00

To read my story from the beginning start here , then here.

So…. phone call, emotional breakdown, now what?

I had a small window of opportunity to have this procedure done. I was grateful for the opportunity to work on another show for Tamarie Cooper this summer at the Catastrophic Theatre, but that meant I had to have my surgery early enough for me to recover and be ready for rehearsals – and not just walking around saying lines rehearsals, but dancing, singing, high energy rehearsals. Otherwise, I was going to delay the surgery until September after the show closed. I called the doctor’s office up and I poured the honey on thick begging and pleading to see if we could make the MD’s schedule work. We did. We scheduled – May 5th – Happy Cinco de Mayo to me!

Pre-op appointment: 1 week before surgery:
I was giddy excited. My mother came with me to ask all the questions and hear for herself. The nurse practitioner came in and told me that starting that day, I was on a liquid diet until surgery. 3-4 cans of a diet supplemental drink and clear liquids (broth, popsicles, etc). Before I left the MD office, I had what was called a light scan – it is probably the most uncomfortable, vulnerable thing I have ever done. I had to strip down to nothing, go into a booth and have a machine scan me from every direction taking measurements that where then plotted to give me a 3D image of myself with perfect dimensions. Not only do you feel vulnerable because you are naked in strange place, but then you have to actually look at a 3D scan of yourself and all the ugly parts that you can’t see in the mirror! All I kept thinking was, “Please, God, don’t let their be a fire, please, GOD – DON’T LET THERE BE A FIRE!!!”

Now – I wasn’t prepared for an immediate cut off of my food – so I have to admit – I had one final meal right after we left the MD office. I knew that I was going to be saying goodbye to my raw vegetables for awhile, so I decided my last meal would be raw feast at a salad bar – odd I know, but it really was what I craved and was most sad about losing. But after that – nothing but slim fast and the broth of my progresso light soups. I was continuing my workout schedule which was about 5 times a week, but at one point I was pounding away on the elliptical when I got really light headed and almost passed out. I called my mother and she said – nope, sorry – that’s it for you – you are not getting enough calories in to burn the way you are at the gym. Time to slow down.

May 5, 2011 – Surgery Day:
Damn, I was so nervous. I have had surgery before, many times. But this time there was no illness or uncomfortable situation related to it. In the past, I was always in need of the surgery and it resulted in comfort on the other end. Not this time. This time I was walking into the hospital a healthy person with no pain or misery. I got there and it took forever to get me in the pre-op area. Nothing worse than sitting in the waiting room pretending to watch the Today show, and all I could think of over and over was “Call my name… call my name… call my name….”
We finally got back to the pre-op area and started the process of getting into the gown, IVs, and the final weigh in pre-surgery. At this point I had lost 30 lbs – 10 in the past week alone on the liquid diet. I had several moments of – “Wait, what am I doing – I am doing this without the surgery – wait wait wait –maybe I don’t need this….” But there was no time to turn back now. My doctor came in and looked at my torso to plan out how he wanted to perform the surgery, and then I went to another holding area.

That is where I met Rebecca – my pre-op nurse… NO… my little pre-op angel with my final sign of encouragement. I was so nervous at this point I had the shakes. She walked up and asked if I had any questions. I smiled nervously and said “No – just waiting for the anesthesiologist for my Cinco de Mayo cocktail to get this party started!” She laughed and said, “Well, I can answer any questions you might have about this, I know what you are going through!”
Wait – what?
I have had this surgery
You?!?! ( I did mention above that she was my “little” pre-op angel)
Yep – a year ago.
No way!
Yes way! I usually have a pic with me to show people because you would never know.
Well – then no – I have no question other than when do we get started?!

They wheeled me into a huge operating room and moments later I was out.

I really do not remember much from the rest of the day, I understand that the surgery was a couple of hours and routine. I remember being wheeled to my room, transferring to the new bed, and I remember my mother and sister in the room (Mike had gone home to get the kids). I never opened my eyes. I just laid there in this sort of awake, sort of asleep state. And I will not lie – I was miserable. The gas they pump into your system so they can maneuver the equipment is miserable. Painful and constant. I know I had to get up and walk, and I did – but it took finding all my will power and determination from the bottom of my feet to do it. I was very nauseated, threw up, peed all over myself – all the fun things no one likes to talk about. I didn’t want to lay down, I didn’t want to walk, I didn’t want to do anything. I do remember that Mike was supposed to bring the kids, but I just couldn’t find the “mommy is all right” lie to face them, so they stayed home. I did not have any incision pain because my surgery was done entirely though my belly button. I did have pain inside because you can imagine there was a lot that was stretched and moved to make way for the equipment and the maneuvering it takes to remove 85% of your stomach through one tiny hole.

The next day was my swallow study to confirm there were no leaks in the stomach. It would be the first thing I had swallowed in over 36 hours. I was weak and still very nauseated. They gave me the nasty 1 ounce fluid contrast to drink so they could do the first scan – it was aweful – it felt like I had already filled to overflowing with just one ounce of liquid. Time for scan two – another ounce – I swallowed – they walked out of the room and I stood there by myself trying to not pass out, when I couldn’t tolerate the second ounce and threw it up. Right about here is where I realized that this was gonna suck – a lot – for awhile.
I go back to the room. My floor nurse, who was also an angel – came in and said my scans were perfect so it was time to start drinking – 1 ounce every 15 minutes. F*&^ity- f%#k-f(*&k-F*&K!! I don’t want to put anything in my mouth AT ALL – and now I was going to have to do it every 15 minutes. Big Girl panties on – sip – not an ounce, but a sip. I know I did not get a full ounce, and not every 15 minutes, but I did as much as I could before I would get exhausted and just had to take a break. You read that right – exhausted from drinking an ounce of fluid.
I threw up a lot the first few days, but I managed to keep truckin’ along. By the end of day 2 post op, I was given the option to go home and I was ready. The next day was Mother’s Day, I knew there was nothing more to do but lay there, walk, and drink, and I could do that at home. So late Saturday night, we packed up and headed home.

My first steps to VSG surgery

2011-10-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

So right before the surgery, I made the big disclosure that I was having the surgery. I didn't go into much detail at the time, so now I want to spend a little more time talking about each phase.

First, I want to talk about the decision to choose surgery and the steps leading up to it.

I was soooo against surgery at first. In my work, I see first hand the train wrecks for the patients that have complications related to this surgery. So I saw the bad, and it was ugly, and I did not want to put myself into that type of situation. Without getting too graphic, there are patients that don’t heal well and develop fistulas – which are basically open wounds inside your body that make their way to the surface and you end up with a draining wound and usually it is long process to heal completely. But the truth is, it is very rare – very, very rare – and because we are specialists in this type of condition, we usually see all the bad.

But then came a moment of inspiration – and his name is Greg Stanley. I was so proud of him and his decision and his results that I could not deny this was an option I needed to look into. Immediately after the first time I saw him after surgery, I checked my insurance to see if it would cover it, and of course, the answer was no. So I waited. I waited and waited until the next year, when my husband’s insurance changed, and I tried again. I looked into whether it was covered at all and how much it would cost me.

Success!! It would be covered. Buuuuuttttt – only at 50% and IF I qualified. Crap. Another brick wall in my mind. After the initial pout, I thought about it. How would this work? How could I MAKE it work? This is where my current work experience came into play. I remembered that my deductible was $500 and my out of pocket is $5000. So the MOST I would ever pay is $5000 total. I sat with my husband and we figured it out. We figured out how we could save the money and make it happen.

Now – I want to side step a little here and fast forward to the end. How it worked for me was that they only thing that was covered at 50% was the surgeon himself. Everything else, the hospital, the labs, anesthesiologists, etc were all covered as they normally would be which was usually 80-100%. So it turned out that all I paid out of pocket was a little less that $3000. I say this because, for those of you who want to research this on you own – it may be worth trying to figure out how each PART of the process pays out. I do not know this answer and it varies insurance to insurance and policy to policy. It may be worth it to you to find out if the surgeon isn’t covered for the actual procedure, but the hospital, etc are covered – you may be able to work that out.

Okay – back to the beginning. I know it will be covered, I know I can afford it. Now what? At the end of January, I went to my PCP because I had a nasty head cold and at the end of my exam, I went there – what do I do? Where should I go? Who do you recommend? She agreed it is a great option and gave me names, but they were just names. So I texted Greg – rather get a name from someone who can speak from experience. He texted immediately and I called immediately. They wouldn’t give me an appointment until I attended a seminar. Guess what, they were having a seminar that night – like in 3 hours – fine – sign me up.
Okay – most of you who know me know, I am not a kumbaya kind of girl – I am not into group therapy. I am terribly private and prefer to deal with things one on one and then talk about it publicly later. So I dreaded the idea of going to this seminar. I did not want to sit in a room of fat people listening to skinny people tell me how not to be fat. But, I put my big girl panties on (no pun intended) and headed to the seminar.
There was paperwork to fill out, general info, insurance info, etc and then the doctor spoke. With the little research I had done, I walked into this meeting thinking all I wanted was a lap band. Quick, easy, little down time – POOF! Skinny Becky! Well, I am really glad I went to the seminar and I am really glad I had an open mind to listen to what the doctor had to say. He was very thorough, explained all the possible surgeries, pros and cons of each, and I walked away with a lot of information and a lot to think of before my first appointment.
For me and my insurance, I had a 4 month process to go through before I could be approved for surgery. Again – everyone’s situation is different, some less, some more. During that 4 month process I had monthly weight maintenance appointments where I talked with someone about my weight loss plans, goals and actions. I had an appointment with a dietitian who explained how to prepare for the surgery and what life would be like in the stages after surgery and how my life would change forever. I also had an appointment with a psychologist to make sure I was sane enough to have the surgery. I often questioned my sanity during the pre-process thinking – what? Are you crazy? You are going to voluntarily ask someone to remove 85% of your stomach?!?! What the hell are you thinking?!?!?!
During those 4 months, I worked hard. I exercised, I dieted, and I made major changes. I was sure that I was not going to win this game and eventually the result would be that insurance denied me and I was going to have to lose weight on my own. I just knew that this was a lottery ticket, and I don’t win lotteries. I went through the motions, but it was VERY hard to have a positive outlook. I had to prepare myself for the fact that it may not happen and I could not put all my eggs in that basket. If it did work out – then great – I was just that much further ahead. I would be healthier and more prepared for the major surgery.
Then the call – it was approved. I hung up the phone and I cried and cried and cried. I won this lottery. I was excited and scared. I was excited that this could actually be coming true and I was scared because now I realized the severity and finality of the decision I was now making. I was going to permanently alter my body in hopes that the body I got back would be a healthier one.

Next blog – the surgery…..

5 Months Post Sleeve Gastrectomy Surgery

2011-10-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

So - here I am - 5 months to the date of my surgery - 90lbs lighter than when I started this adventure in January. It blows my mind. I have not caught up with myself at all. I find myself pulling clothes that I have had for YEARS - you know the "when I lose weight" clothes and I am finding that I have missed my window of opportunity to wear them. They just fall off me.
The clothes I am wearing now are mostly re-sale. I have bought a couple of prime items because they looked so good on that I could not pass up the chance to have them. But I am quickly realizing that even those items will be in the repertoire only a short time as the weight continues to come off.
I am hoping to spend the next few posts catching up on this experience and documenting it here. This has been such an amazing experience that I want to try to capture as much as I can for future reference. I also want to do it because there is very little out there to read/research regarding others' experiences and I know how frustrating it is to search for hours hoping someone is experiencing the same issues around the same time you are experiencing them. There are forums, but those just seem to be small re-caps and a bunch of positive reinforcement, which is great, but there is not much there regarding the good the bad and the ugly of this process.

SO - wow - serious wow - and more to come very soon, I promise.

The word is “Thank you”

2011-10-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was driving into work this morning, in the usual traffic, and I came across a woman in her massive SUV trying to turn left across three lanes. Now first – why this woman was choosing to turn here was beyond me – this is the same traffic that is here every single day. You know this is a feudal attempt. You know that you really need to travel 100 more feet and turn at the light. But no – she chose to sit there, huffing and irritated because she could not cross the street. Well, I stopped, and so did the nice car to my right. We cleared the path for her to turn. She then whips across the lanes like she was the one who spotted the opening and better cut us off before her window of opportunity closes. I am sure the dramatic screech of her car was terribly unnecessary, but definitely added to the drama. Within seconds she was off in a puff of smoke like a cowboy tearing off on the range.

Was there a nod of acknowledgement?

Was there a wave of thanks?

Of course not – why should there be? Why should she snap out of the comfort of her shell and realize that not only was there a small moment to be thankful for, but that moment was due to the kindness of strangers.

Manners – what has happened to manners? What has happened to being aware of those around you? Aware of their needs or aware of the fact that they, in some small way, are trying to help you with your needs? Holding a door open, making eye contact, and God forbid, smiling?

Ironically this is one thing that I really miss about New York. Awhile ago Myth busters did a show trying to confirm the old wives’ tale about a bull in a china shop. What they discovered was that the bull was graceful and aware and not one piece of china was touched. They maneuvered their way through aisles of glass and china with the ease and grace of a dancer. New York, too, has fallen prey to an untrue old wives’ tale. There is this belief that in the hustle and bustle of the city, no one cares, no one is nice. You are a one man island amongst millions of one man islands. But that is not true. I think because you are forced into such a public situation with people, you have no choice but to be aware of them. You have to walk in pace with the energy of those around you. Otherwise nothing would get done and you would go no where.

I think a major problem that mobile urban cities have is that people are so consumed with their own energies that they have no idea what is going on around them. People are not forced to be public. People go from their home, to their car, to their parking spot, to their office. People take the same drive day after day. People have their routes timed down to the traffic light cycles. And when anything occurs to interrupt that very static cycle, the impression is that the world is out to get them.

The world is not out to get you. No one is out to get you. In fact, I believe that most people want to help. I believe that most people want to make eye contact, smile and hold the door open when your hands are full. I think most people want to connect to each other.

I know I do. And I know a lot of people around me who do – so THANK YOU. Thank you for what you have done in the past and thank you for what you for what you will do in the future.

Go see this show

2011-10-03T09:53:00.001-07:00

Last night I had the privilege to sit in a very intimate theatre and witness really great theatre. It was one of those rare occurrences where the show, the space, the director, the performers all come together in perfect unison and you realize you are witnessing something very special.

I walked into this performance knowing very little, but I had heard and read a lot of praise. I tried not to let that bias my experience. I hate going into a show that has been hyped, only to be disappointed that the hype didn't match the performance. I also tried to open my mind as two of the three performers are friends, dear friends, and the third is someone I have known/seen for many years. When you know people, it tends to cloud your experience because you find yourself seeing your friend, not the performance. Well, that was not the case here -actually quite the opposite. From the first moments the actors take the stage I realized - wait - this is different - I don't think I have ever seen this "character" before. There is an incredibly artful poetry and prose in which the play was written that all of a sudden you realize you have been swept up on this magical ride, wandering lyrically through the story and it is so comforting. It is so subtle that you don't even realize you are being sung to - words that are gently rocking you like a hammock.
But this show was not just roses and babies - the subjects get ugly - and hard - and then beautiful - and then miserable - and then so touching your face is wet from uncontrollable weeping. It is one of those shows where you think you are going in a certain direction, but you are focusing so hard on the conversation that you don't even realize they took a left turn awhile back and you are now in a totally different place than you thought you would be - but that is okay - because this place is awesome!!!

And it stays with you - there are waves of recognition that keep coming the more you think of the show. Like just now - I went to the website to grab the promotional pic to post here and when I looked - I started weeping again - "Oh, my gosh - it is all there - I didn't even see it before - but now I see it - it is all there in that beautiful picture!" What an amazing gift... to continue to get that warm fuzzy feeling for something the more you think about it. Most times you walk out of an experience on the high of the performance and it starts to fade from there. This one has grown for me.

"There Is A Happiness That Morning Is" - at the Catastrophic Theatre's micro theatre - directed by Jason Nodler, performed beautifully by Amy Bruce, Troy Schulze, and Kyle Sturdivant. Click here to get to the website to buy your tickets and I really hope you do!

Because I said I would

2011-10-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am kicking this day's ass!!! This incredibly glorious first day of October, and I laid it flat on the mat, sucked every ounce of life out of it and earned my night's sleep tonight!

I started it at 5:40 - yes, you read that right, 5:40 ...AM.... on a Saturday. Took my mom to the airport, came home, cleaned the pool, got the kids ready for soccer, coached my little Pele(s) as they bent it like Beckham and I cheered every "GOOOAAALLLL!" with just as much enthusiasm as the infamous announcer (whose name I have no clue). Then it was shopping, lunch, shopping, more shopping, coming home to do some Martha Stewarting for our Halloween decorations, only to realize I needed to go back out again to do more shopping in order to accomplish my crafty projects for the evening, crafting, dinner, crafting some more and now.... Blogging....again... two days in a row!!!!

{......snore.....}

I am so sorry - I am falling asleep while typing ...wait... Perhaps I didn't kick this day's ass.. Perhaps it kicked mine....

But that is okay, because it is Fall!!!! It was a beautiful day! I accomplished a lot, had a damn good time with my hubby and boys, and I am now looking forward to the roller coaster of events that started today and will end right as January begins. This is my *GO* time. This is the time I wait for all year. I freaking LOVE IT!!!!

Really?

2011-09-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

So on a completely unrelated whim, I had to come here today to look at something that I need for another project. It was then that I realized, not only have I not blogged for crap lately, but it is actually my blog-iversary. 7 years ago today I started this personal dairy of sorts. And I am soooo damn mad at myself because this past year I have been the absolute worst about blogging, when in truth, sooooo much has happened to change, well, everything that this is the time I should have been blogging the most!!!

Part of the struggle has been that I have been so damn busy living life, I haven't had a lot of time to write about it, a good thing, I know. The other part is this ridiculous fight I have with myself. I keep thinking - I should sooo blog about this, and then the devil/angel dance on my shoulders starts:

It has been so long - why blog now?
Because this is important, you will want to remember this!
Really - if it is important - you will remember. Besides - you have already left so much out - it won't make sense.
Oh, you're right...
I know I am...
Let's just go to bed...
SCORE!!!

Well - not today - nope! Today is the blog-iversary and I say to hell with you devil on my shoulder! I am going to randomly blog today. And I am also going to make promises that I am fairly certain I cannot keep - like -

I am going to start blogging regulary again!
WAIT!! I am going to top that...
I AM GOING TO BLOG EVERY DAY DURING OCTOBER JUST TO GET BACK INTO THE HABIT!!
(Yeah, right)
NO WAIT!!
I might actually start VLOGGING some times!!!
GET OUT!!

Oh... and I am also going to write the disclaimer that the above may all go down the tubes and you may not see another word typed here until 2012.... I am hoping not - but I am gonna give it the old college try.

Psst ... I have a secret...

2011-05-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

So a big deal is about to happen – for me – a really big deal. I have decided to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I have been planning, prepping, and praying for months. I was approved through my insurance and my surgery will be this Thursday, May 5th.

I am excited, terrified, cautious, happy, sad, shamed, proud….etc etc. It was a terribly hard decision to come to, but after almost 2 years, I am finally at peace with this decision. It is what is best for me.

Two years ago, I knew things needed to change – in a serious life changing way. At first I was very shallow about it. I was serious, but I would rather become famous and audition for The Biggest Loser, rather than do the hard day to day, deep soul searching changes. By the time it was clear that Biggest Loser was not calling, I knew this was going to have to be done with my own sweat and tears.

My husband and I made major changes – joined the YMCA, everything was changed to whole wheat and lean turkey – fresh vegetables and fruits – more subway less McDonald’s. It was slow, but steady – and yes – the weight was coming off, but so frustratingly slow that it was hard to maintain the momentum. I knew I could maintain a healthy lifestyle – but the restrictive getting the weight off phase was terribly slow and unsuccessful. That was when I started looking into possible weight loss surgery. At first, it was a deal breaker, because last year, our insurance would not cover it. But Jan 1st, new policy, new opportunity, new me.

I decided not to share because, even though I was going through the extensive process for insurance approval – I was certain I was not going to get approved. Yes – I am over weight – but I had no other health issues. No diabetes, no hypertension, no sleep apnea – nothing. I am a healthy plus size person – if that is such a thing. But I knew, if I don’t make these changes now– it would only be a matter of time.

Well – I was approved. I cried when I hung up the phone after receiving the news. Tiffanie (who has known all along) said – ya know, you are going to have to say something! I said, I know – it is not like I am trying to be Star Jones about this, but I am certainly not going to be Carnie Wilson and invite a webcam into the operating room!

So there you have it – three more days – Happy Cinco de Mayo to me!!

#600

2011-04-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

Well, this is post #600. I just realized it as I was logging in right now. Man that is a lot of entries. Not that I have been entering much lately... I am lucky to get 1 a month...maybe. And I miss it. I really do. But there are only so many hours in the day, and every day just seems to be getting shorter, yet packed with more and more to do.

The truth is, life is pretty good right now. And that may be a reason why I come here less and less. I tend to gravitate here when things are confusing or pissy to help me process and release. It makes for good therapy. I was thinking to myself in the car the other day ( my only alone time, sometimes) - wow... life isn't terribly crappy right now. I don't hate going to work everyday. I don't dread the overwhelming-ness of daily chores. I am not burdening myself with unwanted time stealing projects. Though crazy and chaotic at times, it is MY crazy chaos, methodically chosen by ME, not dumped upon me. That is pretty damn cool.

So here we are in my birthday month, once again. For the 36th time. ( I guess the 37th time if you count the year of my actual birth for all you detail nit pickers, out there!) and I would like to take a moment to appreciate the journey thus far, acknowledge the gifts of the present, and look forward to the future path.

Dear Childhood - I was always too old for my own good. Never really allowed myself to just be. Over thought everything. Worried more than I should. Not able to see myself in the mirror the way others saw me.
Dear Teens - You were pretty cool, but I was so excited to "grow" up I didn't appreciate you as much as I should have.
Dear College Years - Wow... you f(&%ing rocked. I made some of the deepest, longest lasting friendships here. I made terrible mistakes, glorious recoveries, and had a damn good time doing it. You were game changing years... thanks.
Dear Twenties - You took me out on many ledges and taught me many lessons. You gave me the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. I do not regret one choice, but I cannot say that I would love to live you again.
Dear Thirties - you have bit me in the ass. You snuck up on me, threw mud in my face, then tossed me on that spinning playground merry-go-round, only it wasn't as fun as when I was 8. I just got dizzy, overwhelmed, confused and ended up with a headache. But the good news is, you gave me the maturity to choose to get off the merry-go-round. You gave me wisdom to make choices and say, hey - for the record - no one said you HAD TO STAY on the merry-go-round. If you don't like it, or you don't want it - change your mind. And then I did. And so now we are cool again.

Now that I am sliding down the back side of thirty, heading towards that proverbial "Hill", I gotta say, things are pretty manageable. And quite frankly, I am looking forward to the view on top of that hill.

Alright... enough existential bull s(&*% for this April Fool's morning... gotta get some work done!!

Happy Spring, everyone!!

Mommy note

2011-02-01T18:23:00.001-08:00

Because this is the closet thing I have to a baby book.....

Ben... First tooth....gone...today.

That is all.

Allright... A little detail... Your tooth had already come in it's entirety, and still that little booger held strong. You got off the bus today and it was perpendicular to the otter teeth, so I suggested that you get a paper towel, stand in front of the mirror, and PULL!

So you did.

And you had the most excited bloody smile!

Kinda zombie like.

You asked to go to bed early. You hoped the tooth fairy would bring you enough money to buy a drum set.

You are now upstairs trying to go to sleep, asking your brother how much he got the first time.

We are sitting downstairs hoping you go to sleep before we do ...so as not to kill the fantasy so early in your childhood!

I have a ledge, & I am not afraid to use it!

2011-01-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

I am stuck between Dr. Phil's proverbial rock and hard place. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

I am fairly certain that if you have seen me in the past few months you have heard me go nearly apoplectic discussing the insane situation that is my children's school bus routes. The absolutely ridiculous three stooges-esque comedy routine surrounding the simple task of picking my children up and delivering them home from school. It started with no buses at all, moved to drivers who didn't know the route therefore delivering my children 30 minutes late to school, to taking over an hour to return my children home, because my son finally recognized the streets and guided the bus driver to our house.

I screamed, I yelled, I emailed, I threatened contacting the media. The last threat finally worked and I received a call from the director of the transportation department. Since then, I have had the privilege of having direct access to him to scream.

The last fight I had with this department was related to a substitute bus driver seeing my husband outside with our children and yet choosing to NOT stop because we were not at the designated spot. Now, my husband did not even realize she had passed them up because she was a sub (ie different bus) and since my children go to 2 different schools on 2 different routes and many buses pass our house going to several different routes, it never occurred to him to throw himself in front of the bus to force her to stop, or at least slow down as she ran over the "speed bump" of his body.

So we fast forward to this morning.....first day back after a long holiday break. I was just finishing my early morning jig to "and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again..." when I hear the breaks of the bus and I see....New bus driver, new bus..... Mother-f&$/?!$&!?!!! He hovers and starts to break near the designated spot, sees us waiting 20 feet away and pulls in front of our house. I ask the driver who he is and where he is going, because being a sub, I am not sure if he is here for Max or Ben. Ben. Fine. Great. " uhm, ma'm, we are not allowed to pick up kids in front of their house." yes, yes you can, yes you have, yes you will. " uhm, no...." and he gestures to another man standing inside the bus.... He introduces himself as the safety coordinator. Hello, Mr. Safety coordinator, I am pissed off mom, so nice to meet you...but yes you can pick my son up here and you will pick my son up here. "no, ma'm"..... Look, I am gonna try and keep calm, as I do not wish to scare the small children on this bus, but I have discussed this many many many many times with your director... I have his direct line and he has mine.... So when HE calls me to tell me that things have changed, I will scream at him, but for now.... You will drop him off here this afternoon .....Have a Great day!!!

Fast forward to the afternoon.

He pulls up (in front of the house) and hands me a cute little hot pink sticky note with a name and a number. "Ma'm If you will just call this person, he will explain why I have to stop at the designated spot." Is this person the director of the transportation department? " uhm, no ma'm...." Didn't I already tell you this morning that I have already called the director and discussed this very issue with all the bus drivers before you? " uhm, ma'm I can only do what I am told....." well, I am not sure who the person on this sticky note is, but I am fairly certain he is lower on the totem pole than the director, cause I scream all the way to the top when I am mad, and now I am mad.... " uhm, if you could just call...." the director, yes... Yes I am calling him right now....and I let the doors close, pull my cell phone before he leaves and start to dial the speed dial, yes speed dial.

New secretary answers the phone.... Hi..... you will get to know me very well.....I would like to talk with (director).... he will know who I am. You can remind him, I am the mother who has had to repeatedly call to have the same conversation. I am the mother who calls the media whe she doesn't get a return call. I am the mother who will be waiting anxiously for the call back explaining that once again, he has solved the problem.

" uhm, okay, I will give him the message...."

Thanks.

I then go inside to start my email... 'cause.... well.... when you can't get your frustration out over the phone, email is the next best thing.

I start to forward all the emails I have had back and forth with this gentleman including my scanned diagrams of the streets around me, marking the designated spot and bus routes in coordinating colors.... Yeah... Crazy batshit kind of stuff.

So here I am stewing.... simmering....boiling. My mother says, let it go. Just go to the damn designated spot.

But I can't. I just can't.

Let me explain.... This is a so called safety issue. According to them, it is safer for my 6 year old child to stand in the street of a stranger's home, 30 feet away. A house that has no sidewalks. A street with a blind curve and cars racing in and out of the busy entrance to our neighborhood with clocked speeds of up to 40 miles per hour ( I know this thanks to those handy dandy radar signs that the police park out on our street.) It is safer for my child - and only my child as there are no other children picked up in this part of the neighborhood- to wait here at this safe designated spot, rather then 20 feet away - one intersection and one freaking house away - in his own driveway. A driveway that is merely 10 seconds further on the route in regards to the bus driver putting his foot on the break pedal.

So here I am on the ledge.... No returned phone call or email later.... Trying to meditate on the forest, but I can only micro manage and criticize the trees.

So I ask this simple question again.... Do I want to be right? Or do I want to put this bullshit behind me and be happy......

Right?
Happy?
Right?
Happy?

.......

What you all were supposed to get in the Christmas Card!

2011-01-02T12:13:00.000-08:00

I am fully accepting my lame status when it comes to this years Christmas Cards. I had incredibly grand plans to annoy and bore you all to death with a family letter and a cute family pic, but I could never seem to get my act together!

So here is the letter you were supposed to get:

Happy holidays to you all!

It has been quite a year for our family. 2010 started off with great news that Mike was named the 2009 Employee of the Year for his branch. An honor that included an all expense trip to Universal Studios in Orlando. Well, we couldn't let him go alone! We surprised the boys with a "treasure map hunt" that ended in the our new mini van and a sign that said we were going to Disney World. The boys were beside themselves! My mother and I drove the boys while Mike flew ahead of us and spent his first few days of the trip doing work stuff.... Ya know, hanging by the pool and riding roller coasters with fellow employees of the year from across the country. We all had a great time!

It was a big year for Benjamin as well. Ben started kindergarten in the Fall. He was so excited to be going to big kid school, that he refused to allow us to take him to school the first day. He demanded that he ride the bus, something he has wanted to do since the first day his big brother gloriously ascended those magic stairs to the big yellow bus! Ben is doing great, he is literally head shoulders taller than the rest of his friends, but I guess that is to be expected....look at his daddy!

Max continues to amaze us in his dual language program at school. I have even caught him speaking to me in Spanish when he doesn't want his brother or his daddy to know what we are talking about! He is growing like a weed and we have finally started losing those baby teeth! We were hoping for an "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" solo, but as of this letter we only have one open spot and another terribly wiggly one, just begging to come out!

As for me, we had some really big changes at work that kept me busy all year. From moving the office to changing our systems to a web based program, there were a lot of long nights and weekends. Mike and the boys were very supportive and I cannot thank them enough!

Wishing you all an amazing New Year!

This is how we rang in the New Year!

2011-01-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

It was a big night last night at our houesehold. The boys made it to their first New Year's Eve toast! We had a rather lazy day around the house, but once we started going we didn't stop.
We had a quick visit with Tiffanie and her kids, headed to dinner and a movie, followed with grocery shopping (woo hoo, par-tee-time!) Once we got home we had a little family ping pong tourney. While playing a round with Ben, I hear chaos and clanking coming from the kitchen. Max has taken the Christmas gifts he got from Oma Linda and Opa Jim and started setting up his kitchen show. The next thing you know, he was setting the "stage", making his title "opening" and rehearsing with his brother. I thought great, fun, have a good time. The next thing you know Max is saying, "Well, mommy, you have to video it!" So I sit down and pretend to be video-taping the whole thing and Max demands - "No, mommy, FOR REAL!!!"

So for your viewing pleasure, I present - Max's Cooking show!!

Happy 10th Anniversary, my love!

2010-11-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for you! And to show you how much I love you, I am going to make you a HUGE turkey feast! The fact that it is Thanksgiving is merely a coincidence....I swear.....

My Baby's 1st Day of School

2010-08-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

He was up at 5:30.

He ran into our bed and snuggled for a few minutes then took off to the bathroom. Next thing I hear is the shower turning on..."Mommy I peed on myself, so I am just gonna take a shower!" Now what this means to my 5 yr old was he dribbled... and therefore it warrants an early morning 30 minute steam shower. Normally I balk at this and tell him to just go and get dressed, but today is special - today is his day - he has 2 hours until the bus arrives.... steam away!
He gets dressed, combs hair, breakfast, back pack, lunch box.... now we have 1 hour until the bus arrives. He comes and sits in my bathroom to watch me get ready.

Mommy..... I'm scared.

(stab)

I know - and it is okay to be scared today. Of course you are gonna be nervous about new things and taking the bus and new teachers and friends - but I promise you.... as soon as you get there.... you are going to start to have so much fun, you won't even remember that you were scared.

20 minutes until the bus comes....we head outside for 1st day of school pictures.

They start stiff....

...and move to casual...

....and end up just down right silly!

And then we wait....

And then Max kills me with this one:

I hand Ben a note to place in his pocket with all of his information - his name, his teacher, his class - and I instruct him to give it to an adult in case he gets nervous and forgets where to go. NO! I don't need it! Please, angel, for mommy! NO! I won't forget... I may forget the grade, but I won't forget my teacher... and I am just gonna ask someone if they are going to Mrs. K's class and then I will follow them... I am FINE!!

Wait ... is he going to kindergarten or college?

Okay, fine - but let mommy give you her kisses and goodbyes now, in case the bus comes - smoochy, smoochy - and then we hear the screech of the bus tires. I was kissing his cheek and felt him stiffen up.

Bus door opens - he races on so quick I barely get a picture. No chit chat with the bus driver - just straight to the very first seat, very first row. Mike and I say our hello's to the bus driver and introduce Ben, and then the doors close.....

and then he drives away....

....and then I cried and cried and cried......

I cried like the first time I dropped him off at daycare when he was an infant. I cried and said a prayer for all the adults that I am blindly trusting to watch over my angel and get him to where he needs to go.

And then I shook my head, wiped away my tears and begged Max not to tell Ben how much mommy cried, because I told Ben I wouldn't.

Mommy... you always cry....

I know, it is just because I love you and your brother so much!

Fast forward to the after school bus - and like a shot Ben was off the bus again and headed straight past us and into the house....

Ben.... BEN!?!?!

(daddy)... what was on his pants?

What do you mean?

There was a spot on his pants...

Oh no!!

I run inside... and Ben is pee-ing like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.

Ben - angel... are you okay?

Mommy... a little privacy?

Uhm, okay..... (I head to the kitchen and wait for him)

He walks out of the bathroom, sure enough - with the tell-tale "mark"

Angel - what happened? (motioning to his pants and hoping he is not forever traumatized)

What? (looks down) Oh... I really really had to go on the bus... but its okay! Can we go swimming?

(No trauma)

I don't think he went to the bathroom at all at school. I asked how his day was and he talked non-stop about his new friends and the teachers and all the new rules, and the pictures he drew...all in all, a total success!

... let's see how day 2 goes.....

'Twas the Night Before Kindergarten

2010-08-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Ugh.... I just totally blew the night before kindergarten!! Well, not totally, but pretty gosh darn close!!

So we have had a rockin' week - we have kicked "back to school" 's arse! We have vacationed a little, rested a little, organized a little, and for the first time ever - even in my own academic career -I can say we are relaxed and too cool for school.

So fast forward to tonight - started the night before school rituals: pack the lunch, brush teeth, blah blah blah.... then it is time for quiet time right before bed. I remember - hey wait - we have the " 'Twas the Night Before Kindergarten" book we got at pre-school graduation - we have to read that!! I find it and snuggle up with Ben who is uber excited:

'Twas the night before kindergarten,

and as they prepared,

kids were excited

and a little bit scared.

They tossed and they turned

about in their beds,

while visions of school supplies

danced in their heads.

Erasers and crayons

and pencils galore

were stuffed in their backbacks

and set by the door.

Outfits were hung

in the closets with care,

knowing that kindergarten

soon would be there.

In the morning it came -

school starts today!

Would the teacher be nice?

Would they still get to play?

Faces were washed,

and teeth were brushed white:

kids posed for pictures with eyes sparking bright.

I won't type the whole book - but you get the point. It goes on to talk about heading to school and being nervous and meeting the teacher and friends and .... then it gets to this part:

When what to her wondering eyes

should appear

but sad moms and dads

who were holding back tears!

Well - great!!! Let's just say it wasn't pretty! I tried .... I mean I tried really really REALLY HARD not to cry, but cry cry cry is what I did! The more I tried to stop, the worse it got .... the ugly cry! Ben reaches over and hugs me and I just smile and say how proud I am of him and what a big boy he has become and how excited I am for him and (teary eyed) he goes, "....but mommy... those aren't happy tears...." Oh pumpkin, YES!!! I promise you they are! Mommy is so excited for you! I promise you these are happy tears!!

So he leaps off his bed into a huge bear hug and we end up on the floor in a big snuggle/tickle/kissing ball (both with wet cheeks). I managed to pull it together and get him back into bed and tucked in with happy thoughts about the next day's adventure!

.... I am sooooo going to need to take something before the bus pulls up tomorrow!! Ben has already warned me that, NO - I cannot drive him to school, he will be taking the bus!... and ALL kissing and that stuff (motioning to my face, so I can ony imagine he means crying) has to happend BEFORE the bus comes!!

They grow up so fast!!

Radio Silence

2010-08-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

Radio silence is a funny thing. It can be deliberate or it can be unintentional. Either way - once you find yourself there it is terribly hard to break it. I often come by here to scroll my own blog roll list and see that last post sitting there with the date "MAY 26TH" and think - ugh... I should write something, anything... but then I can't think of anything to say or I have too much to say and no time or inclination to type it, so I just click the big red X in the upper right hand corner and move on with my day.

I came across an article in Oprah's magazine last week - it was something about everything going wrong and seeming like the world was crashing (I have to admit, I was glancing more than reading) but it said something that struck me - when nothing seems to be going right, the best thing to do it nothing. Practice intentional rest. Basically when it feels like the universe has placed a huge brick wall in front of you - stop trying to climb it, rock wall it, sledge hammer it, explode it, decorate it..... stop...... walk away. Make the intention to stop fighting the wall and take that time to rest. No, you are not expected to have the answer.... no, you are not expected to solve your own obstacles to world peace.

And so that is what I am doing. I cannot solve my problems right now. I can't. I do not have the time, money, knowledge, or wisdom to solve my ever growing wall of obstacles that seem to be blocking me right now. I am serving no good by staring at the wall, screaming at the wall, creating spreadsheets about the wall, ignoring the wall, pouting that the wall is blocking my view.... there is no value in these actions whatsoever.

So what am I going to do about it?

I don't know - I am going to surrender to the "I don't know". I am going to take deep breaths and say out loud - "Guess what, everyone?! .... I - Rebecca - DO - NOT - KNOW." And I am going to try my very hardest to mean it.

... and then I am hoping ... slowly..... the "know" will come back......

Ben's Pre-K Graduation

2010-05-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh... my baby.... my angel... my little one is heading off to kindergarten. He was so serious last night. Heading to the ceremony he could barely smile - "Hurry, hurry - we can't be late!!" Then once there, He was not that kid that smiled and waved to his family - OOOOHHH NO!! He was very attentive, hit every mark, sang out loud, and marched to and from his designated spot with military accuracy. Then afterwards, I was trying to get a picture with him, and he kept trying to manipulate my hands to do something - "Mommy (ugh-verbal sigh) MOMMY!! No! You gotta do this...." I then realize he is trying to do the handing off of the diploma pose! So freaking cute!!

May day! May day!

2010-05-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Good golly, Almighty.... May.... what the hell.... or hay (if we want to turn this post into a seussical post...get it? get it?!?!)

I am gonna ramble here, cause this more of a, you are such a bad mom that you can't remember crap, so make sure you blog about it here so you can read it later and say, SEE?!?! SEE?!?!? I remember... you were "x" years old when you did "y"!

MAX
My little soccer player. Thought for sure he would give up and whine about all the running by the second practice (mostly because that is my history with the sport)but nooooo - he loves it - he doesn't even want to quit when the ball hits him the face. He actually runs after the group , gets in there and gets dirty in the dog pile situations, and kicks it hard... clear accross the field. I have to say, I am quite proud.
He lost his first tooth last month - Easter weekend. He was playing with it and playing with it, but no luck falling out. He lost it in his sleep. He woke up Saturday morning with blood on his pillow and the tooth in his mouth - thank GOD he didn't swallow/choke on it! In all the hullabaloo of the Easter weekend festivities I actually forgot about it when he went to bed that night. I was trying to rush him to bed and he was wandering all over the place and I yelled, "GET TO BED!" .... "But, Mommy, I have to get the tooth ready for the tooth fairy!" A sudden rush of "OH CRAP!" fell upon me and I raced to my wallet praying for cash - which I never have. Luckily the back-up fairy for bad mothers slipped cash into my wallet to cover for the tooth fairy.
Max got insane allergies this year. First time for him. He was out 3 Tuesdays in a row - once for eyes swollen shut, once for asthma so bad that resulted in breathing treatments every 2-3 hrs, then the last Tuesday he was throwing up all over the place, which I think was related to all the medicines racing through his system.
His dual language schooling is going along swimmingly.... he has even gotten to the point where when he is talking to me about things that happened in school or conversations he had with his teacher, he has to tell it to me in Spanish because he is telling it so fast it is easier to speak in Spanish.

BEN
I was so gonna finish this post - but I didn't.... butt he next post is about his graduation... so scroll there....

Big Bang Fun!!

2010-04-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Last night the Catastrophic Theatre held a fundraising gala and honored a good friend of theirs and old friend of many of ours from college, Jim Parsons from the "Big Bang Theory!". Oh my my my my..... I had so much damn fun ....lots of wine, kisses, laughter and hugs from people I have loved for close to 20 years. I haven't been to any old school reunions, but last night was as close to a reunion as we could get! And it was such a thrill to see one of our own who has shot off like a rocket into the stars and get the opportunity to love on him and tell him how excited and proud we are of him.

These people mean so very much to me. It was with these people that I laid the ground work for the person that I am today. It was during the years I spent with these people that I stripped away the facade of childhood and started from scratch, working to become the adult I wanted to be. I had great success and great failure with these people and the love was the same whether I was on top of the mountain, or flat on my face.

And to my new friends I have been blessed to become associated with recently through this amazing theatre company, I am forever grateful to you as well. I have not had the opportunity to re-connect with my passion in a long time and my newly forming friendships with you have been an incredibly healing breathe of fresh air! You guys are an amazingly talented group of people and it is a pleasure to see you work!!

A great night..... a really really great night.......old and new!

NEW WORD ALERT: Napalapsy

2010-04-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

Napalapsy: (Nah-puh-lap-see)multiple meanings

1. The inability to wake from a nap
2. Similar to narcolepsy, but less severe and more commonly suffered within the general population
3. The uncontrolled desire or need for a nap; eg: Dear Boss, I must leave work right now, I am suffering from napalapsy!

Origins: original author - Max, age 7.

Max comes to wake mommy from a nap in order to get ready for the rest of the days events. He is having trouble stirring her from her un-expected slumber in the middle of the day. The following conversation occurs:

Mommy - wake up! Mommy - we gotta go!! MOMMY!!
(grrr, snort, moan .... deep sigh, stretch)Oh, pumpkin, mommy is sorry - I am having a hard time waking up, I am suffering from narcolepsy.
Mommy, what's napalapsy?
Uhm - napalapsy is exactly what mommy is suffering from and now her new favorite word, THANK YOU!!

So, go forth, my peeps - and spread the news - there is a new word in our vocabulary, and it is good.....

Na-pa-lap-sy!

Thank you, Life....

2010-03-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

So we had the talk last night.

yes....

THE talk.

With my boys... 7 and 5 yrs old.

I didn't WANT to have THE talk. I wasn't prepared to have THE talk. And thanks to my children's incredible ability to absorb, interpret, and regurgitate information, I wasn't able to sugar coat it with Mommy's and Daddy's love each other very much, they hug, and Tinkerbell appears shaking magic fairy dust, and God puts a baby in the mommy's tummy.... nope, not my kids.

So we are watching the new series "Life" on Discovery last night.
It is beautiful. The images are amazing and the facts are educational... maybe a little too amazing and educational. At one point they are talking about snakes. They are talking about how in Canada they hibernate below the freeze line and then they come up in Spring and lay around in a huge ball in the sun to stay warm because they are cold blooded creatures, blah blah blah... and all this happens before the mating season.

Well, I was looking down when all of a sudden I hear Max, "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"
I look up and they are back to the snake pile. So I start talking about the cold blooded thing and how they have to snuggle to stay warm - and both of the boys start shaking their heads in this, nah nah nah nah, woman - that ain't what we are talking about way. I see Mike sitting behind them waving his arms in the air, like, uhm, no - you didn't see what we just saw. So what does this mother do in today's modern technology world? She reverses the DVR... Mike slaps his head. And then I see the 5 second shot - the mating shot.
Both of the boys simultaneously scream - "THAT!!! THAT RIGHT THERE!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?"
Well, (sigh....breath) that is a snake penis.
Ben adds - "He is stabbing him in the stomach!!!"
Uhm - no, he is not stabbing him in the stomach - they are making baby snakes.
You have to STAB each other to make babies?!?!
No - there is a hole there.
A HOLE?!?!?!
(Dear God, please help me)
Yes, a hole - remember how I told you that girls don't have a penis?
Yeah... but there is a hole?!?!
Yes (God help me, please stop asking questions)
And the baby goes in there?
Well, yes - it is different in all kinds of animals - sometimes it is an egg that the mommy sits on until the babies are born or sometimes the babies grow in the mommy's tummy and comes out later.
How does it come out of the hole?!?!
The hole gets bigger.
(Max)Oh, I know, I know, - it is like snakes when they eat, they can open their mouths up really big to fit stuff
(Ben) or crocodiles (shows me with his hands) only it is backwards - something is coming out, not going in.
Exactly.
Does it hurt?
Sometimes.
But we weren't born that way?
No - Mommy was sick - and the doctor had to go in through mommy's tummy and get you out, but most babies are born the other way.
Did it hurt?
No the doctor gave me medicine, so I didn't feel it.
Okay ....
Cool....

Back to the show.

I look over at Mike with huge saucer eyes.... I sooooo didn't think I would be having THAT talk this soon.

A call from school...

2010-02-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

I just got a call ... from Max's school....
Is he sick? NO!
Is he hurt? NO!
Is he dead? HE IS GONNA BE!

...ring ring...
This is Rebecca!
Mommy...
Yes, Max... is everything okay?
Uhm, yeah... Mommy... at 12:00 , uhm ... well.. at 12:00 the fair, Mommy, it's over.
Yes, honey - I know - the book fair is over at noon today.
Yeah
Okay....
But mommy - I really want the book and the pointer and the....
MAX... we have talked about this - SEVERAL TIMES. You are not going to be able to get something this time. You get books all the time... your room is full of books...
BUT!!.. BUT!!!
MAX! NO!... Angel - I made this very clear - I am sorry you are not able to get something this time.
(.. whiny whimper....)
MAX.. listen to me very carefully... I DO NOT want to hear that you gave Ms. Rodriguez any problems today because you were upset about this.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? If I hear that you cried, whined or acted in a bad manor in any way over this you will lose all TV and Wii privileges for the entire weekend!!! Do you hear me?
Yes, Ma'm.
I love you... now go back to class.
Yes, Ma'm, I love you, too....

click

I cannot believe that child had his teacher call me for this........I cannot believe he annoyed his teacher so much that her only recourse was to get him on the phone to me.....nice.....

Ode to Joy!!

2010-02-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

The following Muppet moment of happiness is brought to you in honor of ME - PASSING my EC-6 Generalist Test!! Whoot whoot!! For those of you not in the education/teacher world - this is the test that I have to pass in order to be eligible to teach children in elementary school.

I have to say it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to study, stress over, and complete. Studying for over a month - a couple of hours a day, most weekends - then sitting in a test that took me 2 hours to complete and 1 hr to review. Hard, stressful, and now.... DONE!!!! These are the first steps in a very difficult road of transition for me... a very deep, powerful, emotional road of transition.

I am no where near the end of this road. In fact, I am merely on the corkscrew part of the yellow brick road out of munchkin land - ya know the part where you think you are walking in circles and just when you are about to give up because you are dizzy, the road gets a little clearer and straighter... but oh how it stretches so far out in front of you.... yeah - that is where I am right now. I am clearing my head from the stress of these first steps and trying to re-group so that I can make each step forward a positive and productive one.

But tonight... we celebrate ... we celebrate these first successful steps forward:

This ain't my 1st rodeo, kid......

2010-01-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am getting ready this morning and Benjamin walks in to ask me a question that he already knows my answer will be no. I know this is about to happen because of the look on his face. The guilt-ridden 5 year old - "I have been thinking about this for forever (maybe 30 seconds) and I think I have worded it right so mommy will say yes this time" face.

Mommy - can I play the Wii?
No.
But mommy!!!
Benjamin - have you eaten your breakfast?
Yes!
Are you dressed?
YES!
Do you have your shoes on?
YES!!!
Is your homework in it's folder and ready to go the second mommy says it is time to go?
YES!! YES!!!
Okay - fine - but only Wii sports... do you hear me? No Lego Star Wars or Lego Batman - just Wii sports....
But but....
Then no Wii....
FINE!!!

He stomps out of the room.

A few minutes later, a smiling, guilty, "I got her this time" faced child comes in:

Mommy - There is no Wii Sports... I can't find it anywhere?!?!?!
Well, then there is no Wii...
But, but, I could play...
Ben - I said Wii sports or no Wii
BUT I CAN'T FIND IT!!!
Then mommy will come in there and help you.... (knowing full well it is in there)
Uhm.... wait... let me look one more time... (dashes out with a big grin)

Hollers back from the other room....

NEVER MIND, MOMMY... I FOUND IT!!!!

I snickered to my reflection in the mirror....Uh, huh, sure you did.....this ain't my first rodeo, kid.....

Uno momento con mi familia

2010-01-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone was dragging this morning. Just one of those days, ya know? Even the dog wasn't interested in playing our reindeer games - he just laid lazily on his bed in our room lifting his eyes every now and again to acknowledge that he was still alive. Max was laying in our bed, eyes closed, hand hanging out of the covers - lovingly motioning for the dog to come over for the good morning petting ritual.

Woody was having none of it.

Max became a little more insistent - "WOODY!! (kiss, kiss sounds) Come here, boy!"

Again - nothing.

Max flung himself to a seated position and with swollen sleepy eyes started yelling at Woody:

"Yo hablamente contigo! Venga aqui! Andele, andele!! Yo soy serioso!!!"

Well.... the dog did nothing, but I started howling with laughter and Mike said, "Well, at least he is using it!"

Catch up letters....

2010-01-24T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Math,

I forgot how much I dig you. I dig you because you only have ONE right answer. Generally, you have only ONE super secret formula to get to that right answer. Once you have figured out that super secret formula, you get the right answer over and over and over again. And then you feel like a rock star. If only life was that easy.

Thanks for the reminder,
Former Math Student

Dear 3 guys at the gym,

So yes, I gave you pissy frustrated looks at the gym the other night because just when I was ready to switch machines you took the only three available machines left making me do an extra 10 minutes on a machine that had already made my legs feel remarkably like spaghetti - after their 15 minute soak in boiling water. But I am sorry for the nasty look - you made me work out longer and harder than I have thus far and that is a good thing.

Yours truly,
Sweaty girl on the elliptical

Dear Biggest Loser,

You don't suck so bad this season. There is just enough drama to make it interesting, but not too much crazy or heartache to make it unrelatable. I enjoyed our date last Tuesday night as I spent the entire show working out watching you guys work out. Kind of nice. Maybe we can hook up again next week?

Best Regards,
Loyal fan and audition reject

P.S. Please, please, please stop with the infomercials during the show - PLEASE!!! - we are just not that stupid.

Dear Adam Lambert,

I think I love you. I am not positive - but you might be my perfect combination of gay fabulous, 80's hair-band make-up, musical theatre bravado and a super sweet glaze of Freddy Mercury magnificence. They jury is still out, but I am definitely smitten.

Luv,
New fan

Dear Blog,

Sorry I have been absent - I am trying so very hard to get back into the groove post holiday and I think I just might be there - maybe... just maybe......

With all my love,
your author

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year....

yup.

New Year.... New Decade... new new new.

Clean out the old, clean up the messes, move on to the shiny new.

Let it go let it go let it go.

That which does not help, satisfy, complete, or nourish me....goodbye.

I am so done. For the first time in a really long time.... for realz this time.

Enough.

My BABY is a whole hand.....

2009-12-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Benjamin...

My sweet, baby Benjamin....

My, "Buh-buh-buh-Benny and the Jets!!"....

Today you turn five. Five years old. You have wanted to be five for the past three years....you have told people you were five since people started asking and you could answer. Well, pumpkin... here it is... the day you have been waiting for...

Big boy Ben turn FIVE WHOLE YEARS OLD!!!!

You are too cool for words....

Two new Max Stories...

2009-11-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

Story # 1 - This morning Max was clearly suffering from a little cabin fever. He has seen enough TV, could care less about his DS, has no interest in his legos. I am working on the Christmas decorations when he flops himself on the couch in the formal living room and says (totally straight face),
Mommy... I need to get wet...
What?
I need to get wet.. I am drying up.
Uhm, okay - well... you can't get into the pool, the water is too cold.
Well.. I need a bath or a shower or something... I am drying up.
Okay....

So I stopped what I was doing and drew him a bath where he sat and "moistened" for a while. I guess my child is turning into a fish. And no that is not a pic of Max - he has not turned into a small Asian dark haired child!

Story # 2 - Last night we were watching Land of the Lost - the new one. And the Will Farrell character kept referring to a "sideways" warp in time where past present and future are there all at the same time. So we are sitting there watching when all of a sudden Max goes:

Wait wait wait - pause it, pause it, pause it, I got it... there are three things, get it??? three things - past, present, and future. So the dinosaurs are our past, the humans are our present and the aliens are the future! And that is why there is always three moons in the back!!! New moon- past, crescent moon - present, full moon - future!! See past present and future moons!!!! Get it?!?! Get it?!?!

Well, Max, I am glad you are paying that much attention to this movie, because I assure you, mommy and daddy are not!!

Happy 9th Anniversary!

2009-11-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

Big wet juicy smooches to my loving Tatala who agreed to get gussied up and wear a tuxedo and pledge his love to me forever and ever 9 years ago today!!

I love you,
Princess P.

2012 vs Precious

2009-11-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

So this weekend I had the rare - and I mean rare - opportunity to see two movies in the same weekend - AT THE MOVIE THEATER. This is shocking in my world as most times I see a movie in the theater maybe once a year and it is usually animated, so this was quite a treat.
Friday night - 2012. Start the night off squashing into a building packed with terribly cool and overly hormonal teens making that sucking, tongue clicking sound of disgust as the "SOLD OUT" stamp keeps going over the New Moon movie times - "Ugh, like, what do we do now?!?!?"... but I digress...... so in line, get the tickets - head to the theater and sure enough - this theater is packed too - I am assuming it is the parents of said teens, but this is just the story I make up in my brain for shits and giggles. So - find seats - sit down and realize, yes, I am going to have to spend the next three hours next to the woman who wore too much perfume for her first date with the guy who keeps getting up and down (sir, there are medicines that can help you with that going/growing problem) and above the guy who likes to talk through movies - I know this because he turned around and said - "Hey - do you like to talk in movies, cause I like to talk in movies!"

...great....

Movie starts. Well - you can pretty much forget about any outside distractions in this movie. WOW. To say this movie is visually stunning is an understatement. And loud - but good loud - like you are so invested in the visual and sound that you have no choice but to pay attention to the screen. There is no mind wandering here. Now - the story can be terribly predictable and somewhat schmaltzy, but you expect that in a Hollywood epic like this. I forgave the schmaltz because of all those beautiful sequences that were brought to life on screen - I can only imagine how amazing this would have looked on an IMAX. I am not giving anything away here (see movie poster above) - there is one sequence where my prediction that California will eventually fall off into the ocean does just that. It starts with a man opening a car door and you see the asphalt crack and it leads you on this 15 minute journey as the movie slowly pulls back the audience perspective - crack leads to houses crumbling, leads to city blocks crashing, leads to neighborhoods sinking, leads to cities disappearing, leads to final shot of California slowly slipping under the foam of the Pacific Ocean. Like WOW - I am not sure I took a breath during that sequence - WOW. The movie ends with this happy resolution music and I turn to my husband and say - "what the hell is the happy music for?!?!? WE ARE ALL DEAD?!?! How is that happy resolution??!?" This minor meltdown leads to laughter three rows up and three rows down... I guess I like to talk in movies too.....

Sunday night - Precious.

Precious - Precious - Precious - Precious.

No - I didn't see it four times - not sure I could. Just as the visually stunning moments of the impending doom in 2012 made me sick to my stomach, this movie made me sick to my stomach with disgust. Disgust at the reality that abuse - evil abuses - as shown in the movie Precious happen everyday in homes all around us. Children everywhere suffer in pain with no idea that a better world exists and that they are in fact precious. There are moments in this film that had me gasping, grabbing the armrests of my seat and trying to get up in shock of what I was witnessing. And I wish I could say that they had over dramatized some of these moments with "dramatic liberties" but that was not the case. There was a great amount of truth in the everyday casual manner that dialogue was delivered and the verbal blows that cut so deep. It hurt deep to hear another human being in the process of being verbally whipped into submission and oppression. It stung your eyes to see the emotional scares and baggage this young woman carried as a result of her hopeless situation. Tough to watch, but well worth the journey.

Two movies - one weekend. One movie about changing the world one person at a time, one movie about changing the world by wiping it clean. I am not sure which of the two was the least overwhelming.

How is it possible...?

2009-11-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

How is it possible that on the same day - within 10 minutes of each other - there are two news stories so related yet so polarizing.

We start with news of a soldier arrested for not deploying with her fellow troops because she had no one to watch her 10 month old child. Her child plans, which she is obligated to have by the military, fell through, and she was advised to surrender her child to foster care. Rather than do that - she stayed behind and she was arrested and now her child is in foster care anyway.

We move to a story of a mother arrested on the day her child is found dead in a wooded area. The woman is being charged with selling her 5 year old child into sex slavery.

Two women - two mothers. One serving her country and refusing to abandon her child. One living off of her country who abandoned her child in the most horrific way. Both now in jail.

Two stories.... 10 minutes... how is this possible.....

Dear Spam,

2009-11-09T06:43:00.001-08:00

I hate you.

I mean I really really hate you.

I mean there is cold dark place in hell for you to stand on your head in a pile of s&%$ kind of hate.

As far as I am concerned, you are punishable by jail because of the constant harassment.

I do not wish to increase my penis size.
I do not care to buy prescription drugs from Canada.
I have no need for Viagra 75% off.
I will not be buying CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP Rolex's for Christmas.
You cannot fool me into clicking HERE to update my account info for the Bank of Tanzania, Facebook, or a returned IRS Tax return.
I do not wish to buy a degree in any field.
We did not chat online and get interrupted, or whatever.
I do not wish to buy a foreign bride, look at naked women, or men dressed as women, or barely legal teens, etc, etc, etc.
I know you are not giving away free laptops.
I know your software is illegal.
And what the hell does "ugfhgb jidlh jhlhoyehfabb hahorbadf jrouerqhe ..." mean anyway and who in their right mind would press the underlined link in an email like that anyway?!?!?!

You are all a*^%*%oles......all of you. I am so tired of spending a good chunk of my day going line by line deleting you and trying to sort your bulls&*%$ from actual important business emails. I can't even use anti-spam programs because we are a medical industry business so what I would use to block you could potentially block important business emails. I cannot change my email accounts because these are published emails and it would only be a matter of time before I am sold on another phishing list.

Bite me.... spam... you can bite me... if I don't bite you first.

Best Regards,
Bitch@pissedoff.com

Pajama Day

2009-11-01T12:41:00.001-08:00

Okay... not a full blown, never get out of pajamas day - but close. House is being de-Halloween-i-fied. Other than that, not much else is gong on. I am taking the time to enjoy my quiet moments as I know that from now until January, these quiet moments are few and far between....is it me or do you already smell the Turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving?

I have a you-tube of Halloween - pics and video... but for some reason it doesn't want to play nice today and link to here or Facebook, so I will try tomorrow.....

...Oh Happy Fall!!!

Happy Halloween!!

2009-10-31T16:12:00.001-07:00

Spiderman wishes all of you a wicked Halloween....

Oh ... and Max would like to thank his Daddy and his Mommy for an awesome Halloween Spiderman Birthday party today......

The wicked witch of this house declares tomorrow pajama day.....

Not the Official Halloween Post....

2009-10-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

And so it begins....

Like the 12 days of Christmas in most families... Halloween goes on and on in our house. Costumes from previous years are brought out through out the year and played with (even though they are many sizes to small in some cases). The costumes become so beloved that the past two years my children chose to add to their Darth Vader and Storm Trooper costumes rather than pick new ones. They wanted to do the same thing this year - but alas - I need different costumes just to be able to tell the years apart in the pictures, so I forced them to pick something new.

Here was Ben this morning.... he was so excited that he refused to wear his jacket because it would ruin the effect as he walked into school.

A hilarious side note - he put his back pack on and wanted the cape on the outside, so I helped him. This caused a huge blue hump to appear on his back under the cape. Without skipping a beat, he hunched over and altered his voice and said - "Master... master... what can I do for you master?!?!" in his best hunch back imitation. People... he is 4. Okay - he is almost 5, but still!! I nearly fell over laughing... how do these kids come up with this crap?!?!?

Max didn't get to wear costumes to school today - but here are some pics from some hilarious costumes we stole...er uhm ... acquired, from one of my sister's garage sales.... they are terribly fun and HILARIOUS!!! They are those blow up kind -

Any hoo.... everyone have a safe and fun Halloween!! More pics later!!

Ahhhhh.....

2009-10-29T21:20:00.001-07:00

This house is clean....

Yes... 11:00 at night - 2 days before the party (not 10 minutes before guests start to arrive)... this house is clean!

... Now I just have to put up cobwebs everywhere and make it look spookey and dusty....wait a minute.... didn't I just clean all that up?

So Close!

2009-10-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Oh so close, yet so far away! Here I am days away from my goal and I completely forgot about this dear ole blog last night.
I'll tell ya why I forgot... the wall street ticker in my brain is pulsating with information as I race to finish details for Max's Birthday Party and accept my mother of the year award!... Okay, just joking. I did (once again) disregard all time management skills and forced way to much into my October. Garage Sale, Conference, Birthday party, Halloween, SMASH, CRASH, BOOM!!
And to make things worse.... to add to everyone else who has waited until the last minute to do whatever Halloween costume shopping or whatever - the Walmart out here has chosen NOW to remodel. Every two days they have moved everything. You walk in looking for a very specific list of items and you walk out exhausted because you had to look near the tires to find the cereal. I bought items I didn't need and forgot half of my list because the store wasn't set up like my pre-arranged list, so by the time I made it to the front of the store, my child is crying with pain because he has to use the restroom, I have a cart so heavy I can't push and I STILL don't have everything I need.

And the worst part.....Ben has already begun his... "Well, when it's MY birthday party...."

Excuse me, Officer?

2009-10-26T10:25:00.001-07:00

So here is one of those times when my terribly hot headed over opinionated very verbal mouth could possibly have gotten me into oodles of trouble - and still may.

This weekend I was in my front yard doing hedge work and the non-sick child was out front with me playing on his scooter or bike or big wheel or skate board or what ever had caught his fancy that current 15 second period. I start to hear sirens going off around the neighborhood, so I know something exciting must be happening and police are in hot persuit. That is when a marked police car comes flying down the street- sirens blaring - and races past our house.

Now let me give you a little history here. My street is a main entrance into a large neighborhood. Because of this, many people treat it like the main lanes of a cross country freeway. They come racing through and pay no regard to silly things like, oh I don't know - speed limits. Some have even blown past my son's bus even though the blaring blinking red lights and stop signs might have given a clue for them to stop. Un-marked police officers often sit in front of my house to help curb this issue. My point is - when I see a cop doing the same thing as the regular idiots in the neighborhood, I get PISSED.

So.... this is me.... and what does Mama Beck do? She calls - she calls her lovely local police department's non emergency hot line with a concern. Did you read that? Yes...I said concern - not complaint - concern. The receptionist takes my info, listen's to my brief concern and says someone will call me back. Thank you.

Ring Ring - Private number

Hello this is Rebecca

Hello Ma'm this is Seargent (so and so) with the (blah blah blah) police dept, how can I help you?

(terribly sweet cooperative tone) Thank you for calling me back - I first want to say that I have lived in this city for a very long time and I appreciate all that you and the other officers do for our city. I have a concern - today I was outside doing yard work when one of your officers went blaring through here on a neighborhood street going 60 miles an hour in persuit of an emergency. I appreciate that my street is an easy cut through and allowed him to avoid a lot of traffic and several lights, but this is still a neighborhood with children playing.

Well, mam'm, let me ask you this? Did you have a radar?

(Dropping sweet tone) Excuse me?

Well, Ma'm you say he was going 60 miles an hour - I was just curious how you would know that if you didn't have a radar?

(Pissy growl begins) No, sir... I do not have a radar -

Well, Ma'm I pulled up his GPS and he was only going 45 miles per hour.

Officer - I am not calling to debate the numerical speed of your officer. All I know was that he was going excessively fast for a neighborhood street when he had many other options, including pre-designed main streets that would have better accomodated his requirement for speed.

Well - he was in the neighborhood patrolling for safety when he received the call....

(Starting to lose all sense of decorum) And I appreciate that. I am calling because my 6 and 4 year old play in this neighborhood - a neighborhood with no sidewalks, and God forbid my children had run into the street after a ball or lost control of their bicycle - your officer would have hit and killed them. Now like I said before - I appreciate all your officers for all they have done - including patrolling this notorious street known for speeders - so when an officer disregards the same issues of safety that he upholds - I have concerns - and I would hope that I could call and have someone listen to my concern and not be confronted with such hostility. I grew up in this neighborhood, I now live here and choose to have my children grow up in this neighborhood, and I have a concern about their safety.

Yes, Ma'm ... I will talk to the officer in question and I will advise him that in the future perhaps a little more caution would be best.

(cold)Thank you.

Have a good day Ma'm.

.... here's hoping they haven't tagged my license plate in they system.....

Did I say that?

2009-10-25T17:20:00.001-07:00

Did I say that I was going to blog every day in October? Yeah, well, BITE ME.... My body hurts like hell from trimming the damn hedges...I need a hot bath and 4 advil way more than I need to contemplate life here....

Oh God... Monday... really???... are you really coming tomorrow?

Hello Pot....

2009-10-24T18:56:00.001-07:00

So Max was sick yesterday and today. It started when he got home from school yesterday. I didn't go straight home from work yesterday- so by the time I saw him last night before bed time, things had gone somewhat downhill. My mother, who had picked him up from school warned me.. he has a bit of a cough. Well, by last night we had a tummy ache, headache, and we asked for soup even though his favorite- PIZZA - was sitting right there for him - so I knew something was wrong- Max NEVER refuses pizza.

So he slept with me last night. All night long he moaned and coughed. No fever, no achy-ness - but you could tell, he just didn't feel well. Well, let me tell you.... I spent most of last night running every H1N1 email, news clip, or Internet article article over and over in my brain:
It comes on quick - yeah - but he is not that bad
H1N1 is mostly a cough - ok - he has a cough, but he is not in respiratory distress.
Mothers stated that within hours their child went from a slight cough to being in the ICU - Oh, God - I am soooo not getting any sleep tonight

Over an over in my head I would point then counter point. Every hour I would lovingly rub on him checking for fever, luckily it never came. All day today, Max would go through bursts of boredom, "I wanna play" quickly followed by me turning around looking for him and finding him snuggled under the blanket in the TV room.

This is the part of motherhood that s-u-c-k-s. And honestly, I have had both of these kids much sicker than this... but that was not when every newscast talks about how bad this flu is and how terrible it for kids. All right... before you go all "I told you so!" or "what a minute, isn't this the same chick who just blogged not to freak out about the piggy flu" ..."it's just a cold" she said....well, I did say at the end of that post that I reserved the right to say I was full of s&%# and I would bathe myself, my family and anyone who came near me in a Germ-X bath. I still think most people with H1N1 only suffer mildly and recover just fine - but I don't want to be in the small percentage including the young ones who don't. I know no one does. So I lay in my bed, a sleepless night, listening to a moan-y cough and checking for fever, and having angel/devil conversations in my head - that's what I do - because I am supposed to - I am a mom.

Are you watching?

2009-10-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE!!

Have you re-named Wednesday, "Gleeday"?

WELL, YOU SHOULD, BECAUSE ALL THE COOL KIDS HAVE!

Do you like slurpee?

DO YOU DRINK IT OR WEAR IT?

People, people, people...... If you have no clue what I am talking about, I mourn for you, really I do. Because you are currently missing out on one of the best "mid week, hump day, get you through to the weekend" night of pure comedy and entertainment. I am talking about:

Yes.... Glee - it is so wonderful. Anything that can take the music of Neil Diamond, Sisqo, and Lerner & Lowe and make a night of singing joy has to be okay with me. Each week, I think - there is no way they can keep this up - and yet - another week - another night of happiness. The concept - great. The writing - adorable. The acting - superb.

For those of you who need catching up - Glee takes place in a current day high school - just your basic, run of the mill, nothing exceptional high school. They don't have the greatest anything - except of course the Cheerios - which is the national winning cheer leading squad who cheers for the worst football team in the district - but I digress. The Spanish teacher - who used to go to the school -decides to bring the Glee club back to the glory days of when HE went to this same high school. The only people who join are basically the rejects of the school - the ones that probably got shunned from the Chess club for not being Chess-y enough.

Anyway - this mismatched group of American Idol wanna-be's form a bond that anyone would be jealous of. And they sing - a lot - and really really well. Like so well, that I have found myself going - "Dude - I didn't know those were the lyrics of that song!!" And they always seem to have the greatest twist on every song - a unique flair that makes you fall in love with the song all over again - because by the way - THEY USE ALL THESE SONGS THAT WE ALREADY KNOW AND LOVE!!! It is like a karaoke wet dream!

People - please - start watching this show.... you have to... you just have to ...

... and that is how I "C" it......

Okay... another short one

2009-10-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

...but a great one...

The lovely, fantabulous woman who I had the honor to work with this summer gave birth to an adorable pumpkin yesterday.....

Gorgeous and snarky....look.. she is already giving the world the finger.....

Sucky Blogtober

2009-10-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

I realize I am sucking this Blogtober. Cheating with one or two line entries. Today will be another one. The long weekend followed by 2 days of travel and conference - all of whcich had sleepless nights - has resulted in a migraine and my desire to do nothing but lay in bed right now.

So that is what I am going to go do....

Home

2009-10-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

24 hrs later... home.... now... bed.

Suckity, Suck, Suck, Sucker Face

2009-10-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

In the next 24 hrs I will drive 8 hrs in order to attend a 6 hr conference.....

....ssssnnnnnoooorrrreeeee.......

good - bye

sniff

pout

That is all...

2009-10-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Slept 10 hrs last night

Took a 3 hr nap today

That is all....

The following is sponsored by....

2009-10-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

This year's family Christmas is sponsored by the Garage sale of 2009.

I am so tired I am going to puke....

So.... I am going for Mexican food - chips and queso heals all.....

SWEET!!!

2009-10-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

DUDES!! RAKED IT IN TODAY... and didn't even sell the big ticket items yet... Strollers, cribs, etc.....

SWEET!!!

I need one pregnant chick or a couple of expectant grandparents tommorrow and I will be golden.....

Can't blog now...

2009-10-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

Pricing
Pricing
Pricing

I can do this
I will do this

Be the garage sale
Be the garage sale

Weather is supposed to be gorgeous
Estate Sale 2 streets down

Bring it on......

Get over yourself

2009-10-14T18:33:00.001-07:00

Price high... make money
Price low.... get it all gone
Price nothing....sell nothing
Price everything... get no sleep
Comparison shop on ebay to get price range... it's not selling there either

get over your self.... done.

Uhm... not so much....

2009-10-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did not get to the gym in the afternoon as I normally do on Mondays. So we went as a family later in the evening. Now the grand plan in my mind is to eventually get to a place where I am doing weights during the time Max has his class on Monday/Wednesday and then we come back as a family later in the evening and I will do a cardio class while Mike does whatever and the kids go to their zones.... that is my grand plan. Now I am also smart enough to know I gotta work my way up there. But - since we were there late and it was right around the time the 7:00 cardio class was to begin - I thought - just do it - go ahead. Give it a try and see how hard it is and then you can gauge when you are ready for it. It is not like I can't do these things - I just spent 3 months this summer rehearsing and performing a bunch of singing and dancing numbers - but those are: you work for 5 minutes - take a break - you do it again - you stop - you do it slowly - you pick up the pace - not an hour of constant movement.
So I have some time to kill and I am walking on the treadmill psyching myself out. You can do this = just do it. They are supportive here. This is a family oriented place. They are not going to snub their noses at your fat a^$# trying to keep up - just do it... just do it... So it is 5 minutes to 7:00. I get off the tread mill and tell my husband where I am going, and I head down the hall. I notice a bunch of people waiting - all different types of people - from hot young guys to older fit women. I get a little intimidated, so I take a moment and head into the ladies room. What the hell are young guys doing in this class? I mean - okay - it is supposed to be a hip hop dance aerobic class, but dude what are you doing in this class?!??! Don't worry about it - you can do this - you have rhythm - you won't make THAT big of a fool of yourself. I take care of business, re-group my thoughts - you can do it, you can do it - and head to the group. I try unsuccessfully to blend into the wall when a nice older black woman asks me, "Are you gonna try the kick boxing class tonight?

Uh, hubba whubba, what?!?!? Kick boxing class... uhm..... noooooooo. I would love to, really, I would - but I think I am going to build a little more stamina before I jump into this this class... you see, clearly I can't read because I thought tonight was the dance aerobic class which of course is WEDNESDAY at 7:00. Have a great class!!!

... and then I bee-lined my a&%$ back to the cardio machines for 40 minutes......

PLEASE!!!

2009-10-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

The weathermen are teasing me....
Everyday it is a different story. One day they say on Friday and Saturday it is supposed to be sunny and great. Next day - strong front - big rains! I know they have no clue and they are pretty much shaking the magic 8 ball right before the stage manager cues them to camera 3 - but please - PLEASE!! Mama worked real hard pulling all our crap out of the closets and attics for this one. Mike has taken time off of work, I have ridden on my emotional hormonal roller coaster and I am wobbling down the yellow brick road of acceptance. Even the boys reached down deep and gave up some terribly annoying, err uhm, I mean precious childhood toys, and we can actually see their floor now. Good times, people, GOOD TIMES!!
Now I just want to reap the rewards - and not the "Gee, I feel so good about myself!" rewards - the cold hard cash kind. The kind that will help Santa get his big belly down the chimney with gifts for the children. Come on - COME ON!! I know there are worse situations out there right now - like you poor people North of the Mason Dixon line that have had snow until June and now you are being walloped again in early October. I know I should be thankful for rain since we have been in a drought. But 2 days - 2 little days - and not even full days - just like until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Then you can rain all you like....please? please? Puh, puh, puh please?!?!?!?

Letting go....

2009-10-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

Why WHY W-H-Y must I be the that person? Ya know the one that sits on the floor of her kids room crying as she goes through the bins of baby bedding that was stored away for the next baby that is never to come? The one that mourns over waffle makers she she got as a wedding present 10 years ago and has used, oh maybe twice?!?! The one that has to get angry to purge?

... that's me this weekend .... the crying mourning angry woman - who secretly hopes this gargage sale bank rolls Christmas....

It's gonna happen

2009-10-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Next Friday and Saturday.... it all goes.... all of it... baby stuff too.... you heard me .... that's right, the BABY STUFF. I can't talk about it right now or else I will get emotional and all hoardy and convince my self that pigs may fly and hell may freeze over and we may have another kid and put everything back in the attic.... I will park my car in my garage... or at least have the option to....

Dear___________,

2009-10-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Breast Cancer Awareness People,

Uhm.... I think that there is enough pink in the world. I hear your cause. I believe in your cause. I look bad in pink - and I do not want a pink blender. And unless you live in some apt or house built in the 1950's and you are cursed with the pepto bismal pink and lime green subway tiles - I don't think anyone else wants a pink blender either. Isn't printing a ribbon on it enough?

Yours Truly,
The rainbow

Dear Norway,

Really??? I mean, I like the guy too... but really? I think even President Obama gasped and did a double take when he saw the news this morning. Please let's not give right wing fanatics any more fuel to add to their imaginary fire, please?

Best Regards,
She who is dizzy from reading the news scroll at the bottom of her screen

Dear Walt,

We tried - really we did - Kyle and I got tickets - we showed up early - 30 minutes early - to an 8:00 curtain - NOT A 7:00 CURTAIN!!! I am so sorry we missed your show!

Love,
Your friend who can't read the time

Dear Scale,

BITE ME! 1 hour workouts, 6 out of 7 days - and not one damn pound.... luckily you are one of those big doctor's scales at the Y, otherwise you might have had a date with a window.

- Pissed off newbie on this journey

Dear Biggest Loser Season Cast,

You can all go home now - I am done with all of you. I am done with all of your crying. I am done with all of your quitting and triumphant returns. I am done with your well fed and rehearsed lines during your personal one on one interviews.

Signed,
Rejected wannabe

Ugh... Gorgeous....

2009-10-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

My mother saw this in the airport and picked it up for me....

My favorite part...."From Geek to Chic - Jim Parsons"
(my friend from college)

Quest for perfection

2009-10-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned this before, but to catch others up, Max is in a dual language program at school. This is his second year. 90% of his day is spoken in Spanish. Now for those of you who know us in real life - the cultural backgrounds of both my husband and I are about as far from any Latino based culture as humanly possible. Where Latinos dance around hot climates to keep themselves cool - our ancestors jumped and kicked in remote villages near the Caucus mountains to keep warm. So - other than a few words picked up at daycare or on Sesame Street - Max has no background in Spanish whatsoever. Amazingly - this has not been a problem. Max has picked up a remarkable amount of Spanish and still manages to continue on a regular academic path.
Now that we are in 1st grade - expectations are starting to get higher. For one thing - homework. He has homework everyday. It is always a task + 30 minutes of reading. The task is normally not terrible - writing sentences or math problems. The trixsie part is, the students are required to write down the instructions in their homework notebook themselves - in Spanish. Now - I have some background in Spanish - elementary and college. So with my memory and the help of a Spanish/English, English/Spanish dictionary - we usually do just fine. But then there are those days - those terrible days - when the instructions are vague and Max clearly didn't understand the more elaborate explanation in class given by the teacher. This is where complete and total meltdown happens in our house and chaos ensues.
My son - since birth - has been a perfectionist. He has an unhealthy drive to perfection. For example - He used to refuse to write or participate in the learning process because his left handed newly forming skills did not perfectly match the printed forms or handouts given to him. He would cry and erase over and over again until he had worn through the paper. No amount of love, coaxing, re-focusing, or praise of his efforts could comfort him.
Fast Forward to last night. Last night he had a simple task - write his numbers backwards starting with 64 ending with 20. Normally I sit with Max - we read and re-read the assignment - make sure he understands - and I sit with him (doing other things) while he completes his homework. Tonight- I was distracted. So because my son started without me - and because he assumed that the easiest way to do this had to be wrong - my son took the simple task of creating a mole hill and made an elaborate mountain.

64,54,44,34,24,14,04
63,53,43,33,23,13,03
62,52,42,32,22,12,02
on and on through 20

At first - I was looking at this page of numbers - that to my eye made no sense whatsoever - thinking, Damn it Max - You are so much better than this.... why would you just randomly write numbers all over the page? I didn't see the pattern at first. For your purposes, I wrote them in rows, so you could get the jest of what I am saying - But on Max's homework page - Max wrote it in a long continuous line...line after line after line: 64,54,44,34,24,14,04,63,53,43,33,23,13,03,62,52,42,32,22,12,02....etc
Once my eyes adjusted to the pattern I was amazed that his 6 year old brain had done this. I made the mistake of praising him for going above and beyond the assignment, because he instantly panicked - the realization that he had done it wrong - was overwhelming. I said it was great, but if he wanted, just turn the page over and try again. At this point he was so over wrought with anxiety over what was on the other side of the page, he couldn't focus on the simple task of writing 64 to 20. He would write 3 or 4 numbers, meltdown and cry to me - "Mommy - please - just let me erase the other side - PLEASE- it's all WRONG!! IT's NOT PERFECT!!!!" "Angel - it's great - it really is - and I want your teacher to see how smart you are... Angel - please - mommy is so proud of everything you do and how you do it!" Nothing - he couldn't hear me. I had to distract him from the task at hand just to get him to forget about the other side long enough for me to put his paper back into his folder.
I wrote a letter to his teacher that I wanted to discuss this with her next week at the parent teacher conference. I completely get that Max is going to be that kid. He is going to be that kid that doesn't phone in the science project, but rather invents something NASA might be interested in. I get that..I am prepared for that. What I am not prepared for is this emotional roller coaster. This uncertainty that leads him to do waaayyy more than is asked of him, then he stands there embarrassed because he is different and his stuff looks different from the other kids stuff.

This is one of those parenting times when I am at a loss... I don't know what to do and it seems like everything I am attempting to do is making the situation worse.

Ya gotta have heart!

2009-10-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

And this kid has a whole lotta heart.....

A Moment of Ben

2009-10-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my Ben... my sweet adorable unique little Ben. My baby in every sense of the word. This weekend I was cleaning up and throwing out some stuff that the boys had out grown and came across some things that were all Ben - and it crushed me that he had grown out of them. My pack rat mother side wanted to gather these few things put them away for a later time when I would pull them out, oooh, ahh and cry, much to the dismay of the future teenage version of Ben. But the logical side of me said - no - you don't really care about that ratty ole t-shirt or smelly shoes - rather - what the represent.
You see - this was when Ben became B-E-N. Like I wrote in a couple of posts ago - there are those times in kid's lives when it is not just another milestone or developmental or gender marker - but something that resonates in the soul of the child and you see true personality traits come shining forward. For Ben - it was when he got this t-shirt followed quickly with the discovery of the shoes.

You see - Ben loved playing with toy instruments - especially guitars -

and he didn't just play with them - he ROCKED with them. He would come downstairs - turn on the classic rock station on our radio and JAM with what ever song was on the radio - complete with lead guitar moves and lower lip biting intensity. When we saw this t-shirt in the store - it screamed Ben. He wore it all the time. Then a few weeks later, we were in the shoe store when HE found he vans - "LOOK MOMMY!!! THEY MATCH MY COOL ROCK 'N ROLL T-SHIRT!!!!!" And so it began - my cool rock and roll son, with his cool rock and roll t-shirt - torn jeans - and matching black vans. An image he strutted with pride was forming.

So like the wings on the guitar - it is time for these smelly things to fly away... but the first memories of my little rocker are burned in my mind forever....

I hate getting old

2009-10-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

So last night I went to ....

and had 2 of these....

that had basically no.....

And I still woke up with one of these.....

I hate getting old.

I like that feeling....

2009-10-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

Okay... I promise I am not going to become one of those people that gets all passionate and crazy about something and does it and talks about it 24/7 - but it is very important for me to write and document in internet "stone" some things that are validating to this journey as a reminder to me for when I fall off the wagon in the future. Not like I am self prophecising that I am going to, but just in case, ya know ....

So.. Dear Self....

I like that feeling. I like that feeling of getting into the groove. I like that feeling, 3 seconds after you were just about to give up, when the real work kicks in, you hit the zone, and suddenly you realize, yes, in fact you can do this.

I like the feeling of getting sweat drenched - feeling those trickles of sweat run down through your hair line or down your back, giving you shivers because of the opposite sensation of your tense skin and the gentle roll of the sweat. I like being that aware of every muscle, hair and nerve ending.

I like having a plan. I work better when I have a plan. I get more done when I have a plan. A plan is different from lists or a goals I make those, too. But I am never as successful as when I make a plan - remember that.

My children are better "Max's" and "Ben's" when they are active and engaged. They are continuously creating endless amounts of energy in those little bodies and if they do not release it in all forms - physically, mentally, and emotionally - they explode like a liter of soda recently thrown around in a clothes dryer. They need to be challenged by the rock wall, the new lego toys, and conversations on how I expect them to act like classic gentlemen.

I am who I am and nothing can change that - and if I do not keep your foot in the pond of the greatest passion of my life - I start to dry up - and it shows in all aspects of my life. Since I began to form the soul that is me - not just the normal childhood milestones of development and education - but the things that made Becky, B-E-C-K-Y, theatre or some aspect of it has always been a great source of food for my soul. Being a spectator, or being a part of it - either way - but being a part of that give and take of art energy is crucial for me...period.

I am proud of me - I am proud of yesterday and I am excited about the plans for the upcoming tomorrows...remember that....

With all my love,
me

Nut 'n honey

2009-10-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

I got nothing.....

No seriously... I gotta a lot.... but I am so tired that I can't believe I managed to get my pants on the right legs this morning, much less come up with something witty or thoughtful to write here today.

This weekend I am the THEATRE QUEEN - saw a great show last night, gonna see opening night of a dear friend's return to stage tonight, then heading to see another dear friend's show Saturday night.

I am still working out.

I am still being super wife and mom.

I am ti-red.

All I can say is thank God tomorrow is Saturday and thank God my kids can get their own breakfast and chill in front of the 'toons for awhile. Yeah... cause I am THAT kind of mom - don't judge.....

It's fun to stay at the .....

2009-10-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

So I already mentioned this on Facebook - but I did not document it here. Last week we joined the Y. It is something that we have wanted to do for quite a while and without getting into all the excuses/issues, we didn't, but now we did, and I am glad.

There were many reasons I wanted to join. First - a selfish reason - clearly Biggest Loser was not going to be calling (for back story see here and here) and I was going to have to fight some demons on my own. This summer when I was working on the show, I was very active and happy. A month or so after the show closed,I noticed my heels were starting to hurt, I was sleeping on a heating pad for my back and my headaches were coming back.... well it doesn't take a genius to realize that action = healthy ... sedentary = pain.

A second reason for joining was that I wanted something the whole family could benefit from. I had thought about Curves for a long time because it seemed easy and safe, but I always hated the fact that I would be the only one benefiting from the money spent. Now - the boys have programs and play groups and Mike has his weights that he loves. It is just a win/win situation all around.

So... we joined... great.... now what. Well, I will tell you what. They have a great starting program there that I started immediately. It is a 12 week program were the trainers slowly introduce you to the gym. You meet with them 4 times and each time they assess and adjust your personal program. I love it. I love the fact that I am not bombarded with 40 machines all at the same time. I love that I am going to be held accountable to someone for 12 weeks.

So I meet with the trainer for the first time. Clearly I was motivated to start because I made the appointment during the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy without even realizing it. I get there and we sit down for 15 minutes and have a mini-therapy session. What are my goals, why hasn't it been successful in the past, and what plans can we come up with to make this time different. I like it.... good - therapy talk - AWESOME!!! When I sit down and write in on paper, I realize that in the past, all my plans get started really good but then fizzle out because I get bored. The other major issue I run into, is that I keep trying to make this my personal journey and by doing that, my family unconsciously becomes an obstacle. This time - when I come to have "my time" - they are are having their time. The first time I dropped the kids off in their zones, I had terrible feelings of guilt - until I picked them up and they didn't want to leave. Then the next day - "Mommy - when do we get to go to the YMCA again?" It was then that I realized - they love it as much as I do.

Back to the trainer session - okay - enough talk - time to hit the pavement - "Okay, Rebecca - let's get you started with a really great cardio program... let's start with 15 minutes on the elliptical!" (PANIC PANIC PANIC..... Dude.... REALLY?!?!?!? We are gonna START on the ELLIPTICAL?!?!?!? Isn't that something that we should work up to?!?!?! What the hell?! What the HELL?!?!??!).... of course none of this came out of my mouth ... "Sure, let's give it a try!"

Okay.... the devil created this machine right?

I get on and it takes a while for me to even get my coordination to find a groove. The trainer is standing there talking about the machine and how to check my heart rate and where we should be and yadda yadda... and in my brain I am thinking - don't gasp for air - that would be rude! So around the 6 minute mark - he looks at me and says, "Okay - I can see you have your headphones and your tunes, I'll let you get plugged in for a while and I will see you at 15 minutes!" Oh Dear God...... he really is gonna make me do this for 15 minutes..... Well, actually, somewhere between 8 and 9 minutes, a switch clicked in and my legs got the groove and I actually started to enjoy myself. And I did it... 15 minutes. We did other things and then I walked my jello legs and sweat drenched body to my car, took a hot shower at home and slept hard that night.

It has been nice. In 8 days I have worked out 7 times and lost 4 lbs. Now, those aren't Biggest Loser numbers - but they are my numbers and I am proud of those numbers. I haven't even adjusted my diet, because that is another mountain and we will take one mountain at a time. It will come very soon - but today - we focus on moving.

And dude.... if you people had told me that you get your very own TV at each station - I might have started this ages ago.... A little Oprah does wonders to help you forget about the searing leg muscle pain around minute 12.

5th Blog-o-versary

2009-09-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of my very first blog. I know I have said this many times, but I cannot believe that I have stuck with this for 5 years. I haven't stuck with anything for 5 years. I am pretty certain this little imaginary space has kept my car from driving off the proverbial cliff more than once in the past few years. It has also helped to get out some creative energy when I have felt trapped in my self inflicted cave.

I have fallen slightly off the groove as I normaly do this time of year, so once again I am going to have an anniversary celebration and challenge myself to a month of blogging. That's right.... the whole month of October - a blog a day.....at least that's the plan.....

Where were you? (Re-Post)

2009-09-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

I wrote this back in 2006. I re-post because this is one of those days that should never lose value in our history:

9-11 is to my generation what Kennedy's assasination was to my parent's generation. It's the "Where were you?" moment you are always interested in hearing from others. Here is mine:

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I was living in New York. My husband and I had an apartment in Queens with a beautiful view of Manhattan. The morning of 09-11-2001 began as it usually did, My husband got up way before me and left for work and I got ready and headed to the street for my morning commute. I was standing at the bus stop, reading my book. Had I looked up, I would have seen the 1st plane hit the tower. I continued my commute from bus to subway. As I walked into my building at 35th and 7th, the security guard hollered after me as I entered the elevator:
"Did you hear?"
"No?"
"A plane clipped the World Trade center"
"Holy Shit!"
"Yeah, wierd, huh?"
"Yeah"
...and the elevator doors closed....
As I rode up to the 14th floor, I remember thinking a prop plane must have clipped the antenna on the top of the tower. Sucks to be that guy... he is going to be in a lot of shit for that one....
The doors opened again and I see our receptionist scrambling to answer phones, in between each ring and "Please hold" she yells at me... "You better call your family!"
Oh my God, something happened... one of my grandparents died... someone was in a car accident... my mind raced as I flew to my department which was still dark. No one had made it in yet and the message light on my phone was blinking red and the phones were ringing at every extension. I pick up my phone.
"This is Rebecca..."
"Are you okay... is Mike okay?!?!" my mother asked in a panicked voice.
"Yes, I am fine, what's going on? Are you guys okay?"
"Becky...didn't you hear?!?! Two planes hit the World Trade Center!"
"What?!?!"
At this point people have heard my voice in the office and are coming in screaming, "... there are more planes... they think one might hit the Empire State building!" (Which was 2 blocks away)
"Mom, I gotta go... I'm okay...I gotta get a hold of Mike... I will call you back."
I try calling Mike's cell but get a rapid busy signal which means there are no lines available.
"Isn't there a TV in here??"
"Uhm, yeah... over here..but it has shitty reception, we gotta move it to the window"
"They have shut down Manhattan... nothing in or out"
"I got it...I got it...."
Our entire office crowds around a small black and white screen for more information,
for what seems like forever, listening to commentary saying nothing but to stay put.
We all try to call out but nobody can get a line....
Damnit Damnit Damnit.... I gotta get a hold of Mike....
"Oh my God... they are jumping!"
Then suddenly... rumble, rumble, rumble.... the Tower 2 collapses.... inaudible gasps followed by shrieks and sobs....
My mind kept racing....
"There were people in those stairs... THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THOSE STAIRS TRYING TO GET OUT!!!"
Panic... pure panic as the streets fill with smoke and debris.... and it hits me... OH MY GOD... MIKE PICKS UP HIS TRUCK FROM DOWN THERE!!! He is trapped... he is trapped under all that debris.
I continuously speed dial and redial between my husbands cell and his work, praying for an available line.... I get through to his dispatch. They tell me they haven't gotten a hold of anyone because all the lines are busy, but he can assure me that Mike already got his truck and was uptown before the tower collapsed.
"Do you swear to me?!?!"
"Yes, ma'm... I assure you he is fine"
Rumble, rumble, rumble... tower one ... gone.... tumbling like blocks and sand.
I gotta get a hold of my family... dial/redial... mom cell...Karen cell...mom cell....Karen cell....
"Hello?"
"Hey it's me"
"Are you okay... are you okay?"
"I'm okay..."
We exchange "I was so scared" and "I was so worried" about a thousand times. Someone in my office realizes that I have gotten a line out.
"Can you have your sister call my parents and let them know I am okay?"
So my sister then uses her home phone to call my co-workers' familes and let them know we are okay.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know... there is no way in or out of Manhattan. The subways/tunnels/bridges are closed. I guess we stay here until we are told we can leave."
"You can't get on the subway...what if they bomb it"
"I don't know... I don't know...."

Around 4 o'clock we hear they are letting people get out of Manhattan. I gather my things and head down the elevator. I took the eerie walk to the subway. There were no cars... not one. The streets were empty except for people, dust and debris. I got on the subway and exchanged "can you believe it" looks with total strangers on the train. As the 7 train came up from the river to its elevated above ground tracks in Queens, an entire train car of people crowd the windows facing West to view the empty hole with rising dust and smoke where the Twin Towers used to stand. The only words spoken were, "Oh my God...."

That night the only sound you could hear were the jet planes racing over head continuously. I remember asking Mike if it would be okay if we slept with the TV on that night. I needed to hear the TV in case an emergency broadcast signal came on for real.

The next day I became dizzy reading the scroll on the bottom of my TV. I was glued to every image played and re-played, every new theory, every new expert. I called our best friends, Todd and Allison.
"I can't watch anymore"
"Neither can I....let's go get a drink..."
We met them for dinner to escape the constant news on the TV, and walked into a resturaunt with TV's in every corner. As much as we wanted to escape it, it was comforting to have them on in case anything new came on.
Todd saw both planes hit.. he was a stock broker with a perfect view of the World Trade center from his window. When the second plane hit, he flew down his building and caught the last train out of Manhattan before the city was closed. He watched the towers fall from the platform of the Queensboro Bridge stop.

There was a great urgency to do something... to just head downtown and start pulling debris and helping with the search. It was very clear from the TV that unless you were a professional, you would be turned away. Late that night in the bar, the front doors opened up as two very dusty and very worn firefighters walk into the bar. There was a mad rush in the resturaunt to thank those two beaten men and fights to pay for anything they wanted. They humbly bowed their heads, shook off any praise and retreated to a corner for some space to clear their heads.

Thursday morning, we were told not to let the terrorist win... head back to work with our heads held high. I walk into my office, put my things down, and head to the bathroom.
WHOOP - WHOOP- WHOOP - WHOOP
The alarms go off.... I come out of the bathroom and look around at all my colleagues standing in the hallways looking at one another for someone to decide what to do. At this point the emergency exit opens from the outside as a security guard calmly but sternly asks us to leave the building.
"There has been a bomb threat at Penn Station" (which is across the street)
Panic...PANIC.... we head to the emergency exit stairs to crowd into the hundreds of people flowing down from floors above us.
Floor 14
Floor 13
Floor 12
(Oh my God this was what it was like for all those people)
Floor 11
(I realize a friend is having a panic attack and stumbling down the stairs in her heels)
"Take your shoes off"
"I can't"
"Hold on to me... we are going to get down the stairs... HOLD ON TO ME"
Floor 10
Floor 9
(We are not moving fast enough... dear God....dear God... please please)
Floor 8
Floor 7
Floor 6
(Will we know it when the bomb goes off? Will we feel it?)
Floor 5
Floor 4
Floor 3
Floor 2
Floor 1....
"Ladies... please head North towards Times Square... everyone...PLEASE HEAD NORTH!"

We follow their instructions and head North. As we are quickly moving in mass uptown, we are hit with a crowd of people heading downtown. After pushing and struggling to get further uptown, I stop and ask someone where they are coming from.
"There is a bomb threat at Times Square!"
"There was a bomb threat at Penn Station!"
I turn to a cabbie sitting in his car parked on the side and ask him what is going on and he informs us there are bomb threats everywhere... Penn Station, Times Square, Grand Central, you name it.

I find a large group of my co-workers and explain what I have been just told. My boss turns to us and says, "Ladies... that's it... go home and don't return until all this settles down... nothing is that important and I won't jeopardize your lives until we know more." We all hugged and smiled and got teary eyed because we were all scared to death to get on the trains and head home. We couldn't get back into our office for safety and we surely weren't safe on the streets. I prayed every step down the stairs to the subway and every breath until I was safely off the train in Queens.

The events of those days will never leave me, but they cannot compare to the pain and anguish suffered by those directly affected by this tradgedy. I hate the fact that those events caused a predjudice in me causing me to stare at every Middle Eastern man who got on the subway with a long coat or back pack. I asked for forgiveness the moment the thought would cross my mind, but could never fully let my stare go....

Lean on Me....

2009-09-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

So was that the President's address on healthcare reform last night or the national multi-network airing of "Lean On Me"? Did anyone else get the feeling like Congress High School was getting their ass whooped by the principal last night? All I could think of was Principal Joe Clark and his bat - "People - things are broken and they will be be fixed - come hell or high water, they will be fixed!" The Republicans sitting there with their looks and glares like the slacker kids that have no ground to stand on (remember - the ones being thrown out in the beginning if the movie?) Hollarin' out, acting all cool, when the truth is... everybody knows better.
Once again, as an adult I was appalled, and as a lover of human nature and avid people watcher, I was fascinated!!!!! I was appalled that adults had sunk so low as to act like their teenage children and grandchildren in front of the most powerful person on the world - rolling their eyes, twittering on their cell phones, making faces. It was embarrassing.
Now I am not - let me repeat - I am NOT sitting here on some liberal high horse drinking kool aid and saying right wing politicians should all burn in hell - I think all politicians should burn in hell - I think the whole thing is one big game and the balance of power rests on a terribly thin hair stretched over a gully, being held by pieces of tape. One wrong move and that hair line balancing act comes tumbling to the valley of death, filled with the feeding frenzy of CNN, FOX, & MSNBC field reporters - not to mention religious zealot picketers, maniacal socialists, and every other extremist who "knows" their way in the only way.
I do not like politics. I do not like the game. But I am conscious that things have gone horribly wrong and are spiraling out of control like the tornadic swirl of water from the bath tub goes down the drain. Well folks, there are parts of our society that are quickly going down the drain. And I honestly - HONESTLY BELIEVE - that President Obama wants to stop that. I truly believe that in the core of his being he is recognizing that things are wrong and someone has to stand up and say - STOP! I am not saying all his ideas are right or wrong... I am not saying any one's ideas are right or wrong. I am begging, pleading for reason.
The LEFT / RIGHT.... YES / NO.... MY SIDE / YOUR SIDE crap has got to stop.

I am pissed.....

2009-09-03T14:01:00.001-07:00

I am pissed and embarrassed at my country. I cannot believe that I am moved to angry tears over something so insanely ridiculous as the following topic.

Today I received the following letter in Max's folder:

I cannot believe that we have come to a point in our society that we cannot agree to disagree. I cannot believe that we have come to a point in our society that we do not respect the office of the President of the United States of America regardless of our political affiliations. I cannot believe that we have come to a point in our society that we are CONSTANTLY COVERING EVERYONE'S ASSES with ridiculous letters and policies and "Plan B's" to accommodate closed minded bullying horse shit!! That's right... I said horse shit... because that is what this is.....

Tell me - PLEASE - how is this any different than any other President, First Lady, or any political official that has ever gone into a school, read a book to a group of kids and said "STAY IN SCHOOL!! Get a good education! Make a difference!" I'll tell you what's different....THIS president is utilizing modern technology to not just reach a class of 30 kids- but rather to reach 30 million kids!!!

There used to be a time that when the President spoke - everyone and everything stopped. You may have debated or disagreed with everything he said, but he spoke FIRST and we listened. I cannot believe that people would actually use their children as political pawns vowing to take their children out of school if they are "forced" to listen to the President speak - telling them to make the most of themselves. Since when did we decide that the best way to deal with differences is to stuff cotton in our ears, tape our eyes shut, and refuse to listen to all sides of everything before we make an opinion for ourselves.

Sad.... sad.... sad.....

Enough, people...... ENOUGH!!!!!!

For those of you who don't understand what I am ranting about here - this is a good article telling BOTH sides of the opinion - I read the whole thing - ya know - even the parts I disagreed with - because I am an open minded respectful adult.....

Really, people.... REALLY?!?!?!?!

2009-09-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

Oh no.... no no no...
Brian Williams, tell me it ain't true.
Last night, I am taking a moment for myself prior to cooking dinner (okay so I heated up hot dogs - it still counts as cooking)... anyhoo... I am flipping through channels and settle on Brian Williams' adorable anchor face on NBC - looking crisp is in his finely pressed button down shirt and khakis - surrounded by soot from the LA fires - when he starts the lead in for the next segment - light bulbs. More specifically the debate on the incandescent vs fluorescent debate.

Well guess what people - Europe is hoarding the incandescent ones - buying hundreds at a time. Wanna know why? Because as of 2012 - they will be o-u-t-l-a-w-e-d!!! That's right - stores will no longer be able to sell those warm soft glowing lights that we have been using since light bulbs and electricity were invented!!! And ya wanna know something else?? In 2012 America will begin the phase out - transitioning all stores, manufacturers, etc to fluorescent only bulbs.

NOOOOOOOOO!!! I am sorry - I know we have bigger fish to fry in this country and I am well aware of the fact that these new bulbs are more efficient and the use of one bulb could save enough energy to power the sun, blah blah blah..... but .... well.....THEY ARE UGLY!!! They create an awful cold wet blanket of light on everything. They make the most lovely and inviting home look like an office with cubicles. If you have a wondrous vibrant full of life color painted on your walls, these bulbs turn it into that grey-filmed horribleness that looks remarkably like your walls need dusting or your house was once used as a prison institution.

I am not okay with this - I am just not okay with this. I understand the value of going green - just not going grey. Make a better product before you demand that it be the only thing I am allowed to use.

I know a lot of you are thinking, "Really, Becks? Aren't you being a little ridiculous about this?" Well - yes and no - this is kind of like the old Jiff vs. Peter Pan debate = for some people peanut butter is peanut butter - but for those who love the PB and all the magical creations you can make with it - the debate can turn into bloody warfare similar to the scenes in "Gangs of New York" (and for the record Jiff is best). I enjoy making my home pretty - I am enjoy making most things in my life pretty. I use a lot of time and energy getting things to be just right. My husband - following the green economically & environmentally efficient band wagon - bought these bulbs, replaced a few in our house and instantly everything looked different - and not for the better. I have a background in theatre and I value the use of up light, down light, color, tone, hue - and what the slightest tweek of one of these features can do to make something pop. The only think popping with these new bulbs is the glass as it is crushed under my feet.

So I will - for the first time in my life - become one of those people. The Elaine's of the world who buy up all the discontinued sponges and hoard them for "special occasions". The crazy people who stock pile things in their basement in the event dooms day really is around the corner.

Please don't take way my pretty warm light - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!

My First Walk Out

2009-08-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I tend to be very passionate about things - passionate and some what polarizing. But I can also admit that in MOST cases I am able to at least see the side of the my opposing view. I am the queen of, "We are going to have to agree to disagree!" I love a good debate and have often found myself taking the opposite side of a debate just for the fun the debate - I like the challenge - I like to play Devil's advocate - I like to mix it up.

Well.... let's just say the show that I am in tends to lend itself to the opportunity of political unrest in the audience. There are moments in the show that clearly reflect the liberal views of it's author, but even as it clearly states how the ticket looked after she left the voting booth - it also pokes fun at the fact of how easy it was to drink the koolaid and get caught up in the religious zealous-ness the most recent political atmosphere. Everything is terribly light hearted - quite hilarious (as stated in reviews from the audience, not just my opinion)- and anyone who has ever seen Sesame Street or Saturday Night Live can see, WE ARE MAKING FUN OF OURSELVES!!!

... apparently not to the lovely couple sitting center stage (approx row 4 or 5) at last night's performance.....

We have had solemn faces with slight snickers before, we have even had crossed-armed scowlers sitting in the front row .... but last night was our first walk out. Like - they got up in the middle of the song, shaking their heads in disgust, stomping out of a packed uproarious laughter filled sold out house.

I have to tell you, I was shocked. At first I thought - that woman must REALLY have to pee to get up in the middle of THIS song, but then I realized she was being followed by a gentleman and she was clutching her purse in disgust. My frisky side wanted to meet them at the bottom of the stairs and pull them on stage to embarrass them, but my more conservative side didn't want to ruin the number for the rest of the audience.

Tragic .... truly tragic. I know that people are really upset right now, and we are just this side of a civil war over the health care reform issue - but come on. This isn't CNN - this isn't a Capitol Hill debate - it's theatre - and really funny theatre. If you can't put the bat down for an hour and half, you need to seek a Serotonin equalizer from your health care provider.....oh yeah - "Serotonin" is in our show, too.... have you come to see it yet?!?!

What to do ... what to do....

2009-08-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

So I warned you people there was a great chance of radio silence here!! Between the regular craziness of work and family, and the new added fun of deciding to break my 10 year strike from the stage, life has been very full... VERY....
My days were going something like this... wake up at 6:00, get the kids to school, get myself to work.... work, work, work... drive 45 minutes home, pick up the kids, call my husband on the cell phone as I was heading around the corner so that he could catch the kids while I slowed down and threw them out of the car, he would throw me tennis shoes and a water bottle, and off I went to rehearsal.
As busy as life was, it was fabulous. It is amazing how even though your life looks outwardly chaotic, the old proverb seems to come true - the more you give, the more you get.
Well... life has settled. We opened the show a couple of weeks ago - to great reviews. I am currently on a 2 week mommy staycation. I have hopes to tackle an ever growing to do list, while at the same time getting some good quality mommy/munchkins time in.

All right people..... three years of AFLAC claims aren't going to get filed on their own.... and Ben is screaming something about Max making the TV in the TV room go black.... oh please do not be broken.... PLEASE DO NOT BE BROKEN!!

What is that smell?

2009-07-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

So I get into the car yesterday and I am overwhelmed by ... well.... gag. Terrible, stinky, smelly, something has died in here awfulness. Now - I have suffered from trash car syndrome since - well, since I have had a car - and this terrible trait of leaving things in the car has passed from me on to my children. MOST of the time - we are taken over by paper - school papers, notices, receipts, crap from my purse that I really don't need, but shoved it into my purse until I am about to get out of the car and go somewhere, so I grab a big handful of the crap back out of the purse, lay it on my seat and say I will throw it away later. SOMETIMES there is the unfortunate incident of the left over fruit snacks that have fallen to the floor and have now become one with the carpet fibers, or when the kids were younger - the dreaded sippy cup of milk or formula that slipped out of toddler hands and rolled under the seat when I slammed on my breaks when that S-O-B cut me off!!!

Yesterday - the car was already heating up like an oven even though it was only 8 AM. The odiforousness of the mystery product was so overwhelming that I couldn't even focus on my morning sing-a-long with the radio. I pulled over for some gas, got the pump going, then took a deep gulp of air as I ducked my head into the back seat hunting for the menace. Papers, water bottles, hot wheels, broken sun glasses... trash, trash, trash, trash..... and there is was......

On Monday - two days prior - Max had a science experiment at Summer camp - they made "ice cream". They were supposed to put the creamy liquid in the freezer and enjoy it's cold vanilla goodness - not allow it to bake for 2 days in the 100+ degree oven that I call my car to become some cottage cheese gelatinous stinky goo.

It is here that I wish to thank the good people in quality control at Ziploc and the amazing teachers at his camp for using name brand baggies for this "experiment". Thankfully - his project was well sealed in his baggy and NONE got on my car seats. I finger tip to finger tip picked up the nastiness and threw it away at the gas station.

I drove to work with the windows down to air the car out.

Finding my inner hormones....

2009-06-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

No this is not a TMI post I promise.....

So the show I am doing is an all original show. It has been produced for many years here in Houston and has a huge following. It is basically an autobiographical theatrical extravaganza around this really incredible woman named Tamarie Cooper. Every year is loosely based on some aspect of her life - this year - we focus on the impending birth of her first child and what effect this has on her brain.... yes ladies and gents ... through the power of theatre and meditation you are transported into her brain to meet and be entertained by all sorts of fun characters, endorphins, and memories.

Enter one of my characters (as we play many) - I am one of the hormones.
Imagine a combination of Greek Goddess, Medusa from Clash of the Titans and the Witches from Macbeth.

Now - as much as I love playing bipolar manic crazy people - this is the first time I get to play a SINGING bipolar manic crazy chemical!!! At Saturday's rehearsal - the musical director tells us that he is going to forward us the music and sheet music with a forewarning that we should probably start working on it that night as it is possibly going to kick our ass. Great. I get home that night and wait - pressing send/receive, send/receive over and over until my precious little package arrives in my email box. I launch the MP3 to hear an eerie haunting song that is usually played with the opening credits of an old scary movie - that sweeping shot across the cemetery in a low fog at night.
Then the melody line starts. REALLY?!?!?! Very tricky melodies and timing - not to mention a range that would kick a real singer's butt. At one point - my children came out of the game room and looked down over the stair railing to make sure it was just mommy rehearsing and not the dog dying a horrible death.

So the next day, I start our part of the rehearsal saying - okay - we have three options - we A.) change the key

B.) go with an Ursula from Little Mermaid type performance

or

C.) A Madeline Kahn "Oh sweet mystery of life at last I've found you" falsetto type performance from Young Frankenstein -

so - what are we gonna do?!?!?!

We ended up with a combination of the three - we brought it down a few steps, and decided that on the upper tiers - like, ya know when you read the sheet music, and the composer has to put TWO EXTRA LINES above the music bars because he wants you sing similar to whale/dolphin mating calls.... those parts will be done silly falsetto soprano.

I am giddy excited at the craziness.....it was either do this show or go into therapy, I think I chose wisely!!

A touch of OCD

2009-06-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am currently suffering from a touch of OCD combined with a dollop of I just don't give a F%#@!
I need to vent.. let's vent, shall we?
So I am sitting here at my desk trying to work on something that I have had nothing to do with for the eight years I have been here. I have happily not taken any responsibility regarding this task and I have never even cared two s%$#ts about how it is done, why it is done, or how often it should be done. I have enough to do around here to worry about this and every time the topic has come up or the job needs to be re-assigned due to people leaving, I have managed to side skirt and two step my way in any direction but the one that leads to this task.
But guess what .... some big whig muckity muck wants to come "review" these charts and NOW guess who gets to review it FIRST!!! So I am sitting here - almost in tears due to frustration at how completely ridiculous and mishandled this STUPID LITTLE TASK has been. I cannot believe that something so DAMN easy has been screwed up SO ROYALLY!!! So here I sit - trying to decide whether or not to go with this poor system that is already set up and just make it "pretty" or chuck the whole thing and do it the right way.

....grrrrrrr........

Dear People,

2009-06-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in one's life when you find yourself having an out of body experience - ya know the one where you wake up and realize that you are covered in blood holding the cylindrical tubey thingy from the drive up bank teller and you tell the officer, really sir - I have no idea what just happened - but after the third time the car in front of me sent the tube back, everything went black and now I am standing here.

Dear people -

I say this now as a form of therapy - or perhaps an intervention - so as to save someonelse's life and prevent me from spending the rest of my life behind bars.

IF you choose to go to the drive up bank - BE PREPARED!!!!!! That lovely covered breezeway is not a parking zone for you rest in the shade while you lazily thumb through your paperwork and arrange and re-calculate your numbers.

It is also NOT a place for you to go and ask questions, and send love notes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth..... if you don't have the required paper to sign your life away to the bank THEN GO INSIDE!!!!!!

The Commercial lane is for COMMERCIAL BUSINESS!!! I know you lovely people in the 20 year old rusty clankers with the passenger with bare feet hanging out the window are not there turning in last night's cash receipts!! You are not so smart that you get to go into that lane before the line of 4 cars waiting the lane right next to it!!!

The big black tubey thingy IS NOT A GIFT!! I cannot tell you how many times I have driven up behind someone who has driven off with the tube in the car. If you are that important or absent minded that you cannot remember to return the tube for the next customer - PARK YOUR CAR!!! You probably shouldn't be driving anyway.

Though highly trained and responsible - BANK TELLERS ARE NOT YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANTS OR ACCOUNTANTS - have your own pens, know your own account numbers, fill out your own papers, and do your own math - correctly.

Please, please, please.... I am begging you... drive up - send your s%$# - and leave.

Warmest Regards,

The apoplectic customer behind you who has no problem running you over with her car.

5...6...7....OUCH!!

2009-06-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Oh my dear sweet people - I have only been in 2 days of rehearsal and it has become horribly clear - momma just ain't what she used to wuz..... The show is great, the people wonderful - and I am uber excited to be apart of it - but it certainly has been many many years since I asked this body to run, kick, jazz hand and box step - over and over again. During the rehearsal itself - I was great - sweating and breathing hard, but okay. After the 1/2 hr drive home and trying to get out of my car - OUCH!!

I am stating this now: I am forever grateful for this opportunity falling in my lap. I needed it more than I could possible have ever known. And I am forever grateful to Kyle for recommending me and for Tamarie for giving me a chance - it truly is a honor. I take the time to state this now as I fear that, between work, family, and this much needed outside distraction, it could lead to great radio silence here - I hope not - but I might fall asleep on the keyboard trying to type in an update..... that or my jazz hands might cramp up and not allow me to type.

Fun side story - I was in the pool swimming with the kids and trying to explain to them why mommy was going to be gone a lot over the next few weeks. I said I was going to be working and then I thought - no - go ahead and tell them they will understand the concept of the play. So I say, mommy got a job as an actress again and she is going to be in a play - "Is it on TV?" - no - "Are we going to get to see it?" - uhm - we will have to see how that works out - "Does this mean we all get to move into a mansion?!?!?!"..... oh how I wish.......

Mark the Date

2009-06-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009

6:31 PM

Ring Ring....

Ring Ring.....

"Hi, You've reached, Micheal, Becky, Max & Ben - we can't come to the phone right now so please leave a message and we will get back to you!"

BEEP!!!

Maaaaaax......
Hiiiiiiiiiiii.......
This is Aliyah.....
See you at schooooool tomorrow.........

Max got his first call from a girl - he is six - heading into 1st grade.

Me: Uhm, Max?!? - Aliyah left you a message...
Max: Yeah, (Joe Cool) I gave her my number......

... and so it begins.......

LOST - the 1st Grade Summer School Episode

2009-06-17T11:24:00.001-07:00

I have mentioned previously that Max was going to be going to summer school this year. The Dual Language Program that he is part of arranged for the English speaking students of the program to get funding to attend the Bilingual Summer School classes so that they can maintain Spanish fluency through the Summer and not lose any ground they have made during the school year. Sounds great - right? Well - Summer school is only from 8 until 12:00 - meaning - we needed something for the afternoon - enter - extended day program. Now - you would think that the extended day program would be at the same school - au contraire - THAT is at another school. ENTER transportation department - transportation department has agreed to take summer school kids from School "A" to School "B".

So - now we are weeks of emails into making sure that my precious red-headed Spanish speaking Russian prince makes it from his Dual Immersion Language program through the Bilingual Summer School onto a transportation bus arriving safely at an extended day program - ALL THE SAME DISTRICT - ALL WITHIN BLOCKS OF EACH OTHER!

Well.... Max gets home Monday and he (adorably over-exaggerated, I might add) throws his hands up in the air and and begins to tell me (in a breathy, staccato, elevated volume) how the bus driver did not take him to School "B" - "he just left me there!!! And we waited and waited and waited and there was no lunch and nothing!!!" (BIG dramatic sweep of the arms in the air!) Now - part of me wants to start laughing at his dramatic (well rehearsed) monologue and the other part of me wants to call the cops and file a report for child abandonment..... but alas - I get further information that the bus driver did NOT just leave them - rather, they sat on the bus "waiting for parents to show up". I reminded Max about the note behind his name badge (because I knew this was going to happen) and asked if he showed the bus driver and he said no - but "FINALLY" when the driver took him and 2 other students back to the main summer school campus, a teacher looked and saw it. So an hour and half later he was delivered to the right place and luckily extended day remembered to hold lunch for him.

I have to say, I was pissed. Especially since there were countless emails and phone calls between myself and the principal, dual language program coordinator, transportation, and the extended day program. Mike went into the school yesterday and gave them h-e-double hockey sticks asking if they were going to be able to coordinate this today and not lose his son. The principal came out and apologized over herself - though I know this was not her fault - it was transportation - nobody bothered to tell the bus driver of his new stop.

Moral of the story - other than being terribly excited to tell me all about his troubling day - Max was not scared or worried about the situation at all... he was pissed and irritated and hungry - but not scared... THAT'S MY BOY!!!

Really?!?!?

2009-06-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

And for dessert .... 4 fireman and 2 paramedics served hot and fast with flashing lights.....

So last night we sit down to dinner, nothing exciting.... fresh frozen veggies over pasta - NO SESAME seeds ( which I have been tested for and I am allergic to). Mike leaves - takes the kids to get haircuts. I start to feel an allergic reaction coming on - the itchy tingly reaction and I think - great - here we go again - WTF?!?! So I grab the children's benadryl - because it is in liquid form - take 50 mg worth and start to try and distract myself from scratching my skin off. I head to the packages of everything that was made for dinner to read the ingredients and make sure there were NO SESAME seeds in any of it. I then decide to walk around the house and just do stuff - anything - just not scratch or panic. I am standing at my grandfather clock winding it up, when all of a sudden I get this incredibly hot flushed feeling and everything swells - a reaction I have never had before. I turn around and look in the mirror and see that I am red as a lobster and my eyes are swollen. I start for the phone to call Mike, but then think - if I pass out, Mike will not know what is going on - you need to shoot yourself with the epipen first. So I head to the bathroom - grab the pen - and by this time my mother has called me (for no reason whatsoever, just a coincidence). I put her on speaker and I am trying to read the pen, but my vision has gone blurry and my throat is closing - all I can hear is my mother repeating - shoot yourself and call 911 - shoot yourself and call 911- over and over and over.

I finally shoot myself- I don't feel a thing, so I am certain I did not do it right, I call 911. The next thing I know - 6 fireman/paramedics are in my home hooking me up to all sorts of things, giving me oxygen, yadda yadda. I am shaking like a leaf and I ask them what is wrong and one of them says,"Did you just shoot yourself with this?" and I said yes and he that is it. Mike comes rushing home to a fire truck and ambulance in the front yard. By this time the pen has started to work and the symptoms have started to plateau - so I refuse the ambulance and go to the ER with Mike.

The epipen - not feeling a thing - part .... well - once everything calmed down - I saw that needle is about an inch long and my leg/thigh was throbbing and bruised because I punched so hard - so clearly what ever was happening in my body had taken over and I did not feel the pain of the shot at all at the time. Max did his part to "heal" me - he noticed me looking at the boo boo on my leg in the mirror and said - "I know, I know - I am gonna get you a bandaid - is a Transformer alright?" further calming the situation and taking the script from his mommy he starts cooing - "Ooooooh, mommy - look - it's a bumble-bee one - you like bumble-bee transformer, don't you?!!"

So - I have made my 3rd trip to the ER - for food allergies - each time getting a little more exciting than the last. So for those of you that are around me - please note - if while we are eating I start swelling up like Martin Short in that horrible B movie where he gets stung by a bee - please go into my purse and stab me with my epipen - I give you my permission......apparently, I won't feel it.

Where oh where is Becky?

2009-05-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

SOMEBODY BRING THE CRASH CART IN HERE!!!

Charging the paddles!!

CLEAR!!!

...nothing....

Charging again!!!

CLEAR!!!!

....thump thump..... thump thump.....

I think we have found her.......

Oh, people, people, people!! Where the hell have I been?? I guess the good news is that I have been no where near this brain sucking Internet - not even facebook. I am barely getting online to check emails every few days and due to that my in box is overflowed with Freecycle wants and offers. I did not realize it had been almost a MONTH since my last post until two little birdies left messages for me reminding me that people might still care about what is going on in my life.

Well - May has been full - parties, end of school year events, spending time cleaning the inside of my house so that I don't have to spend as much time taking care of it and I can spend more time outside in the pool where the children live now. It amazes me how the moment the pool "opens" in our back yard, my children think of nothing else - their eyes blink open, "Mommy, can we go swimming after school?" which leads to an after school trail of of shirts, shorts, underwear and socks from the door we enter to the back yard ..... I barely get food in them in between shower time and bed. This of course is a good thing.

Summer will not slow this family down at all. Max will continue school all summer - it is a program that has been set up to continue the Spanish lessons so he will not "lose" what he has learned all year. Max was excited at first because this meant that he got to go to school on no school days, but the closer is has gotten to the end of the year he keeps asking if it is really school - like does he have "learn stuff every day" school - and I try to skirt the topic by saying that it is more like camp - they will be doing fun stuff every day - boy do I hope they don't make a liar out of me!!

I will be dusting off the comic timing and looking for my dance shoes as I have agreed to be in a show that will rehearse the better part of July and run the better part of August. I was terribly excited when asked to do it and then the terror set in when I realized that I have not been on stage for ... oh ... over 10 years. It sounds terribly painful to say it, but life just takes over and the next thing you know it has passed you by. Anyhoo - I am looking forward to the opportunity - and I am really looking forward to working with the people involved. It will make my life very full all summer, but it will be great.

SO - once again - accept my apologies, dear Internet - I have turned a blind eye to you once again for far too long - I still owe you some long awaited stories and have acquired some new ones since then - and as this aged body attempts to remember some old tricks this summer, I am sure I will have many new stories, as well.

Happy Summer, my Peeps!!

This little piggy couldn't go to school, this little piggy couldn't go to market....

2009-04-30T08:05:00.000-07:00

....and now the government is going to make all us little piggies go wee wee wee all the way to our semi quarantined homes! REALLY?!?!?! Okay, I am veto-ing the vote - I promise true love will prevail and you will hear that story soon, but I have to talk about more pressing issues - like wide spread media panic!!

I gotta talk about the Swine Flu - or the H1N1 strain for those of you on the Pork Appreciation Board of America who have lobbied for a name change in fear that God loving Republicans (like the first President Bush) will stop eating Pork rhines in fear that they might catch this pandemic flu from those crunchy salty treats. I have to admit - this is creating a field day for my schizo bi-polar hypochondriac inner child, but now this issue is invading into my much calmer, rational, logical mind.

I see the writing on the wall - schools are slowly starting to close. Official news conferences are being held with muckity mucks stating that school officials will not be penalized financially or otherwise for closing, the Vice President is saying that health officials are advising them that the best way to handle this is to restrict mass groupings such as the classroom setting, I am getting letters from my child's school stating they are keeping in close contact with local and federal officials for the best way to handle this with the safety of our children in mind. I get it... the kids are gonna get summer a little early and we working parents are gonna be more than screwed - because no school also means no childcare.

I am not trying to sound heartless here - I am trying to put this into perspective. This is a flu strain. This is a viral infection that leads to symptoms that are irritating and uncomfortable and TREATABLE. The unfortunate few in our society that would be compromised by this flu would also be compromised by any other strain: the elderly, small children, and the sick. Perhaps we should keep scary words like "pandemic" to situations that could actually wipe out the majority of the human population - not something that could up the sales of Tylenol, ibuprofen and thera-flu.

The media is going to kill us. They are going to drive us crazy and send us jumping off bridges and crashing our cars into each other. Here in Houston alone the media and "experts" had a million people stranded in their cars fleeing from a hurricane that never came, yet this week they had no clue that a storm would come over night and we woke up to 10"+ of rain and could not drive in our streets and thousands of peoples homes had their furniture floating in a foot of water. My point is, no amount of pretty graphics or scrolling snappy phrases can alter the facts. They have NO CLUE about MOST EVERYTHING. And rather than just say we don't know much, we are going to come up with some really great theme songs and incredibly bright colored interactive TV screens to make it look like we know more. Look... I can draw a squiggly line here.....to emphasize my point about nothing even more.

So here is what is probably is going to happen - more people than normal are going to get sick later in the season that when people usually get sick. It's going to suck - but then it will pass. Yes - people will die - it is sad - it is terrible, but it is a fact - not a pandemic, not a plague. If you get sick - get treatment. If you get sick - stay home - take care of yourself - get better.

And by the way ... I reserve the right to allow my hypochondriac inner child to go running through the streets squirting all of you with Germ-X and screaming "The End is Near!! The End is NEAR!!!"

Will you update already?!?!

2009-04-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

So I get the sweetest most "loving" question from my sister today..."Will you update your blog already? What?! Do you think this thing is only for you or something?!?!"

Now admittedly, I have to say - I really do think no one comes here - even though the growing stat clicker thingy at the bottom of the web page tells me other wise ( Come on 40,000 hits!!!) and I often get terribly excited when people tell me things about my life that they read about on the blog.

So... thank you... thank you for caring.... thank you for coming... thank you for reading. I suppose if it was terribly boring or controversial or irritating you could just wander away to some other random blog, but you don't.... you come here... and for that I thank you.

So let's tease you about topics to talk about in the upcoming days/weeks/oh who knows, maybe months ...

Swine Flu - Yep - the Jews were right - The pigs really are going to kill us.

My Backyard Swamp Opus - or the story behind why home warranty people should be thrown off very tall bridges.

How Reality TV is going to ruin my REAL life - dealing with my obsession to people watch and how it could possibly lead to me getting arrested for confronting/question really stupid people.

Releasing My First Love - The story behind how my first fiancee FINALLY moved past our long engagement and is now marrying the most incredibly wonderful woman in the world...

I'll even let you vote... what do you want me to talk about? Do you have a topic you think I need to butcher?!?! BRING - IT - ON !!!

Come on you lurkers - you know who you are.... comment.... I DARE YOU!!!

A glance through the looking glass....

2009-04-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

I have been silent and vague again and I am sorry, bloggy world. It is another one of those times that life has brought me to a buffet of challenges and as usual my plates, bowels and glasses all runneth over. Most things seem to be swimming aimlessly in swirls in my brain still - not even enough clarity to write out here - but there is one thing that would like to share:

Recently life has dealt a deck of cards that is well... sucky, for lack of a better poker term. Recently I have been given the opportunity to be a silent witness, secondary support in a family situation that is best dealt with extremely sensitive hands. During the process, I find myself almost back in my little girl shoes - "Be seen not heard. In this position - which for any of you who know me, knows it is incredibly difficult for me to keep my opinions to myself - I am given a rare opportunity to look through the looking glass at literally generations of patterns, habits, character traits - some good, some not so good, some down right amazing. I see myself in my mom, I see myself in my grandmother.

Because my grandparents lived several hours away - I had no day to day relationship with them - just short visits mostly around holiday weekends. Now that my grandmother lives in town, I am blessed with the opportunity to see the day to day grandma - not the polished in her holiday best grandma. I see habits and traits that we share even though 60 years separate us. I see speech patterns and story telling techniques - ways to tell the good parts and skim over the bad or not so attractive moments. I am amazed to see the "inner circle" communications - you know, the family talk and quiet whispers amongst the inner sanctum of your immediate family - followed by the instant "turning on" of the sparkle and shine persona when outside people enter the situation. I also see the wondrous trait of not being able to hide our instant like (or dislike for that matter) when it comes to meeting new people. I have always been known for my hugs - great full loving hugs whether we have known each other for years or minutes - the other day I almost cried when I realized this was not an original personality trait - nope - it came from my grandmother who passed it on to my mother who in turn passed it on to me. We had been at a physicians office for my grandmother - someone she had never met - and after an hour of visiting, a simple nice to meet you and handshake would just not do - nope - my 90 yr old grandmother pushed her walker aside to embrace the physician with as much love as if she was a member of our family.
It is so hard - so hard to witness forced change. It is so hard to stand in front of the imaginary judge and jury with two impossible options and choose - knowing neither plan "A" nor plan "B" is perfect or right, but rather the lesser of two evils.
It has been a few weeks since decisions have been made and things seem to be settling, but change and transitions are always hard. I choose to take the number one lesson I have learned from my grandmother and keep trucking along - keep your head up and keep moving forward.... oh, and always have your lipstick and rouge on when you do it...

Happy Birthday to me....

2009-04-13T09:14:00.001-07:00

I've never felt so dumb...

2009-04-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

...what the f*&^%% have I been doing with my time.....

The raining, the pouring, and oh.. the snoring...

2009-04-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

So, uhm.. did I say something about blogging everyday for Lent - yeah... right.... next year....

Let's see.... I have had a migraine for about 10 days - what sucks about my migraines is that I have what I call functioning migraines - meaning, the throb is there constantly and I can function through my day - it just absolutely exhausts me and by the end of the day, the throb has become so mind blowing that I feel like someone has taken a shot gun to the back of my head. I went to the neurologist last week to talk about the fact that we have been playing with meds for almost 2 years and it seems that we are on a upward swing when it comes to frequency and duration again, so now we are back to tweaking and changes and ... oh... we will see... I just want them to go away.

Last Friday night I plan to try one of the new knock you on your ass medicines before bed in hopes that it will take the headache away by the next day. I tell my husband - let's go get something to eat, then I will take my medicine and call it a night. We decide on Chinese - now, recently I found out that I am allergic to sesame seeds, so I take great caution to make sure where I go has no sesame seeds or sesame seed oil. I have had Chinese since the new diagnosis with no problems. Fast forward to Friday... I walk in the door - do you cook with sesame seed oil? No, Ma'm - just vegetable oil - sesame seed oil is too expensive. Great. We are eating. CRAP... tingle tingle tingle - Excuse me? Are you sure you don't cook with sesame seed oil? No, we just season with it!...Michael - eat faster - scratch scratch scratch .... GREAT!! Now I have a migraine AND a severe allergic reaction!! Get home... I have not gotten to the full break out and I am totally chicken shitting out on the epi-pen - i am in the bathroom and I hit myself with the tester several times to psych myself out, and I notice the liquid benedryl for the kids. Call my mom - can't I just TRY the benedryl first and if it doesn't work THEN I will shoot myself?!?! She says yes - she is a nurse, so between that and the fact that she is my mommy, her word is just this side of the Bible. I double the dose and lay down... it was 6:30. I woke up 14 hours later. I do not remember anything. Apparently I stirred slightly, but Mike stayed beside me, checked my breathing, and kept my mother informed.

My phone died. I just got it and it was already out the door. The flip hinge decided it didn't want to work and I decided I wasn't going to be pro-active and deal with it in a timely manner, so when we finally did get around to it, it turned into a looks like drop damage, even though the break is on the inside of the phone and there is not a damn scratch anywhere on the outside of the phone. I just don't have the energy to be screaming at another person - currently screaming on a daily basis to the home warranty people about the pool (another post) - so I just dealt with my irritating phone. Well.... sometime in my comatose state early Saturday morning some little munchkin had something to do with the phone's final demise... the details have something to do with the counter top, shifting of things and the floor - all I know is my phone is now in 2 pieces. I tried getting a new one - no - why would we be so bold as to get the insurance? So I am using my sister's old one now - the face is broken, but it works - and it was free and I am too cheap to go get a new phone. Moral of the story - if you called or texted me recently - I probably did not get it, please hang up, redial, and try again.

I suddenly feel remarkably like Eeyore with all the complaining I have just done in this post.....Oh Bother.....

Mickey The Snake Pistone

2009-03-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, babies... thas right....up there is my new Facebook mafia name... scary ain't it?!?!

I have to admit... I have always had a secret fantasy to be in the movie mafia.. not the real mafia - I am way too chicken s@#% and up standing for that - but the movie mafia - hell yeah.... But I want to be IN the mafia - not one of the pretty unassuming trophy side line wives, who has "no idea" where the money comes from or where her husband is... I want to be the Bonnie to his Clyde. I want in on the action and I want to call out the hits....I wanna feel sorry for all the poor punks who dare cross the line I draw on the concrete. I appreciate the value of a catchy one liner and respect the need for a good &%&$# expletive for emphasis!

I could watch Godfather I and II over and over and over again. And I did... many many times with my father.. and it never gets old. It sucks, now that I have small children, that I do not have the freedom to stop my day to pay respect and homage to a great man-scream brought on by a bed full of horse blood. I cannot say that I have the same affection for III - it loses me - but I'll stick around and suffer through for the sake of Andy Garcia....

When I lived in New York - everyone was in the mafia - every dark Italian looking man was in the mafia. I loved to eat in Little Italy and a stroll down the street could easily turn into a family against family shoot out in my fantasy mind. I took my parents down there one time to eat at this fabulous hole in the wall next to the greatest bakery ever and we sat in a booth that had a picture of Al Pacino sitting where my dad was sitting - not a planned moment, just a fun coincidence. We had many shots of ... something - too much liquor to remember - mostly because the waiter just kept bringing them and since he spoke very little English, we thought it rude to refuse!

My other great "mafia" New York story happened one day after work. I was in Queens - waiting for my bus to my apartment. I was standing in front of 2 different store fronts when all of a sudden, LOTS of men in dark suits come streaming out of the doors to the separate stores and headed to their late model Cadillacs parked along the street. Funny thing is... even though they were coming out of separate doors - they were talking to each other and continuing conversations - like they had just come from a common area in the back of these different stores. They nodded their goodbyes an VA-MOOSE.. they were gone - I was on the phone with my mom and I said "HOLY S#%@!! I think I just saw the mafia!!"

But alas... this southern white chick is as far away from an Italian Mafia life as a Chicken Fried Steak smothered in cream gravy is from Chicken Parmigiana smothered in Mama's homemade Italian sauce that has been slow simmering on the stove all day....

But a girl can dream.....

My Yellow Brick Road

2009-03-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I think if I had to pick one catch phrase to sum up my journey in this life it would be that one referring to the path to a really hot place which is paved with only the best plans in mind... you know the one?!?!
My life seems to be a never ending yellow brick road. It starts off great. The plans are made, the bricks are laid evenly & shined to perfection. Then somewhere along the path, the lines get a little wonky, the spaces between the bricks get further and further apart and then next thing you know, the road has broken apart and you are asleep in a field of poppies.
I am not sure if this has to do with the fact that I am still trying to tackle projects way bigger than my britches can handle or because I am responsible for more britches than my own with two little red headed pumpkins dragging on my coat tails. Let's take this weekend for instance. I began several projects - very important timely projects for my family. Did any of them get completed?!?!? NO!
So here I am, Monday morning, another beginning to another week on this hamster wheel and I am frustrated because I am already behind on my to do list. The same to do list that recycles itself over and over again.....
I know better than to do this to myself. This is my OCD - Observant Creative Dramatic side taking over again!! Life continues to go on even if my projects are not complete. No one ASKED me to start those projects - no one else would have even noticed if I had not started those projects in the first place - BUT I DO!!
Note to self - there is no such thing as multi-tasking - just self destructive, project smashing, OCD manifesting opportunites for failure.... so stop it....uh huh, yeah... I sure will... I soon as I finish this one thing.....

He has it all figured out....

2009-03-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

So it's Friday of Spring Break.... to my boys it has been a rough week. Mommy has taken advantage of the fact that Max is in an extended day Spring Break program and has worked long hours. SO to them - they have been at "school" ALL DAY - not just until 3:00 like regular.

Well, this morning, Ben (4) comes wandering into the bed (where I have not managed to get out of yet) and we have the following conversation:

Mommy - is today a no school day?
No - today we go to school.
NOOOOO!!
Yes.
Mommy - I don't want to go to school today.
I know - but today is the last school day before we get 2 no school days.
NOOOOOO!!! Mommy - I just want to stay home today!!!
I know - mommy does to, but mommy has to work, so that means you have to go to school.
You don't have to work!
Oh yes I do... we have to have money!
We don't need money.
Okay - well, if we don't have money, then we can't live here in our nice house with our nice pool and all your toys.
That's okay.
Really?!? And how about food? How will we buy food?
Uhm - we will just eat bananas and coconuts... Oh I KNOW!! (getting real excited with his plan) And then, we will have a BIG circle that we can run and run and run (referring to the island, I am thinking)and then if it starts to rain or if it gets too hot, we just walk into the trees in the forest and they will protect us. Yeah...(satisfied the plan is doable) I really like bananas....
Well.... that sounds wonderful - really it does - but right now mommy can't even afford the plane ticket or the boat we would need to get there!
OH!!!!!! (frustrated... thinks a few moments and changes tactics).... Mommy my tummy hurts - I CAN'T go to school today!!
Nice try - get your butt up and get dressed - we gotta go!!

Happy Birthday, Pookie Bear!

2009-03-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

This is Kyle.
This is my old college roommate and amazing friend for the past 16 years.
This is the friend with whom I packed everything I owned and moved to New York City to "pursue the dream".
This is my late night drinking and smoking on the patio partner.
This is my fellow acting partner who over the years has played my husband, brother, and other hilarious characters... characters that were my greatest challenge to stay focused and not break down laughing with the audience.
This is the Will to my Grace.
This is the hardest "tell it like it is" mirror I own.
This is the man I hope to be the Biggest Loser with.
This is his vlog.

This is his Birthday.... Happy Birthday, Baby!!

Oh the pain.... the A-GO-NEEEEE!!!

2009-03-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

Uhm, so it happened. It has happened before, but it was all in fun... adorable comments made under giggled breath.....

But not this time... this time was for REAL!!

I was dropping Max off at his Spring Break hangout yesterday. We opted to have him go to the extended day program through his school, rather then have him go to daycare with his baby brother. They had big plans and field trips and it was way cooler (and cheaper, for that matter!).

Well - he was a baby fish in a big kids pond. He was uber excited to be there, races ahead of me, heads to a play table to start off a day of FUN FUN FUN!! I wander in after him, sign him in and go to say goodbye......I lean down to kiss his cheek and get the iciest, coldest, grittiest through the teeth response I have ever heard come out of my precious 6 yr old angel's mouth:

STOP IT!!!

I realize he is embarrassed by me. ME?!?!?! HIS MOTHER?!?!?!

STAB!!! DAGGER!!! SLICE!!! RIP!!!!

Oh no... it has come - the "I'm too old and you are embarrassing me in front of the big kids" routine. Today I tried to get my goodbye kiss in the car - but apparently the big kids have a sixth sense and would KNOW that a mommy was trying to kiss on a little kid in the parking lot, therefore, once again I was denied!!

...he will come back... they always do... they always come back for snuggle time eventually.....

RIGHT?!?!?!??!

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

2009-03-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay... I loved this one too much not to share.....

What is the name of the Irishman in your backyard?

Patti O'Furniture!!

I found my lucky lepruchauns... here's wishing all of you a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow!!!

Kids say the darndest things

2009-03-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

This was a facebook thing - but I thought I would share it here.... Max is 6 and Ben is 4:

1.What is something mom always says to you?
Max – Clean your Room!
Ben – Blow Your Nose

2. What makes mom happy?
Max – Because you love me
Ben – when I do good things

3. What makes mom sad?
Max – That I do naughty things
Ben - when I do sad things

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Max – Tickle me
Ben – by making funny faces

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Max – liked to play outside
Ben – She was doing good things and she got toys

6. How old is your mom?
Max - 33
Ben – 20-(he got on the floor and showed me all of his fingers and toes)

7. How tall is your mom?
Max – A lotta tall
Ben – a lotta tall

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Max – To go to China’s
Ben – Playing games and playing computer ganmes and playing clean up room games and playing clean the kitchen games

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Max – Play on the computer
Ben - Nothing

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Max – to be famous on a movie channel
Ben – ROCK STAR!!

11. What is your mom really good at?
Max - typewriting
Ben - Playing Ping Pong

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Max – I don’t know
Ben – Driving ships

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Max – Always work on the computer
Ben – You do work on your computer

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Max - Eggrolls
Ben - Sandwiches

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Max – because I like you
Ben - Eating all of your corn

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Max – Taz- the tazmanian devil
Ben – “Wilma” because she's real smart and stuff (from Scooby Doo)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Max – play on the computer
Ben – Look at the moon

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Max – our skin is both white
Ben – We have same faces & ears

19. How are you and your mom different?
Max – our hair is different,mine is red and your's isn’t
Ben – I don’t needs glasses and you wear glasses

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Max – Because you like my red hair
Ben – because I am a boy and I am a baby

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Max – go to the park
Ben – the movie theaters

Forgive me, Father....

2009-03-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

.. For I hath turned my back on a promise!!

So yes... I did say I was going to blog every day for Lent and in the past few days I have been silent. It has been a combination of things... but mostly coming off of the high of last week's events has left me slightly exhausted and needing to re-group and spend some time in the real world, rather than the virutal one. I was gone from my house every day for a week preparing for the audition and working on the audition tape. This absence led to a messy house, piled up laundry, and clingy children. Even the dog would panic a little when I would pick up my keys or purse to put them away.

You see, I am a homebody. I enjoy being at home and being with my family and my family knows this. They know their needs and desires come first and so when I was gone, they all sat aimlessly at the door hoping I would re-enter it soon. And I did too. It was wonderful... amazing... getting my creative juices flowing again, but I am out of practice. I am not used to living on 4 hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row.

So.. this week, I crashed a little .. it got cold and rainy and the most fabulous place in the world was snuggly in my blanket spending time with all my boys.

But I am back....

And for the record... no I have not heard anything about the audition... and I do not expect to for along time if ever. I promise to share any news here, but for now, we are at peace that the seed is in the ground and hopefully it will grow. We will trust in the process. If it is meant to be.. it will be.

A Belated Happy Birthday!

2009-03-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

And in all this craziness, yesterday we celebrated the 41st birthday of my beloved husband and father of the greatest gifts ever given to me. Yesterday Mike passes over the 40's threshold and is now officially rolling down that hill.

This is the second year in a row where my precious husband's birthday has been stiffed on!! Last year we had a big Over the Hill party that had to be cancelled at the last minute because the stomach flu cast a plague upon our house. This year - well, see all the posts below.

The boys and I did manage to bake and decorate his cake. They helped with everything from picking the cake and the theme (Wall-E "because that is Daddy's favorite movie") to making it, to making sure the sprinkles looked like the Earth and the star sprinkles went "all over like the night sky!"

I love you so much, honey. You are the most supportive and amazing man. No one rolls with the punches better than you!

I love you, Ta Ta....
Princess P