Happy Blog Day!

So I have been blah blah blahging for one year today. And to add the sprinkles on top of the cake, this is my 150th blog post!!
I have never kept any journal for longer than a couple of months so this has been quite an accomplishment for me. I always loved the idea of a journal... I would love to start, usually at the beginning of the year or the begining of the school year. I would love the journey of finding the journal. Beautiful little books with pretty pictures or with a soft leather cover. I loved the blank pages, so many possibilities, so much space to let loose, be free, cry, scream, create. This great friend with no judgements that you can tell your most precious secret thoughts. Thoughts that felt amazing to get on to paper. I can remember some journal entries, writing so fast, like I was going 150 miles an hour in a red corvette of emotion, unable to find the breaks, my heart pumping, my temp rising... and then slowly... once the emotional release was there... coming to a close. I would sometimes write for pages and pages saying the same thing until I could finally feel relief, take deep breaths and exhale completely.
I love going back and visiting her... reading her words for the first time and rediscovering that moment. Wishing I could walk through time, back to her room as she is frantically writing in that beatiful journal and tell her, "Oh honey, you a have no idea what is coming up on this journey. You will barely remember this moment." And then there are those entries... the ones where it is exactly the same words from entry to entry, year to year. That same wish, need, prayer. That one thing that time cannot seem change. That one path that you haven't figured out how to walk down yet. It seems so easy, the determination right there in black and white on the page, and yet you realize days, months, years down the journey that the path is not a long straight road, but rather a circle that you haven't figured out how to break away from. Circles are powerful entities. That is why things that you want and need to remain solid are symbolized in circles. But when you try to break the circle, sometimes you find that you only made the circle bigger rather than actually breaking the spell.
I love this journal. I have cherised every stroke and every tear and every smile and every pictire. Sometimes my hands feel like they are swirling in water as my thoughts are pounded out on this keyboard. I feel it calling me when I need to capture and share a thought or moment. I have grown emotionally and spiritually, thanks to this journal. I have found people hundreds of miles and continents away to share this blah blah blahging journey with and I have enjoyed witnessing their own journeys. I have reconnected with friends that time and distance have taken away from me.
A truly happy day on this anniversary....a truly happy day.

No it is not for me....but.....

Apparently, this is more me. The Chevy HHR as shown below is for a size 0 model and her small chihuahua, Pepe.
Mike kept hesitating everytime I said, "okay... we are going to get it" ... and I got pissed that he wouldn't play my game. Turns out, he was trying his best not to disappoint me. All day long I kept scouring the freeways looking for any sign of an HHR. As soon as we got there tonight, I basically walked right past them and on to the Equinox section. I looked at the sticker price and walked back to the HHRs and tried to convince myself that is was the right decision for our family... just couldn't. The sales guy told Mike that we could "probably work out a deal" with the same bottom line... and to my shock, they basically did. I told him straight out that it was late, my children were 2 hours past their bedtime and we would not and could not and could not go past "x" amount. We would not play games and we would walk away. He left and and came back with the board game and dice... We said never mind and started to leave..."Wait, wait... let me see what we can do" I reminded him that we were not able to bleed the turnip anymore.. our budget was already stretched before this purchase.. he came back with "x" + $15 and we gave in...
So now I have my very first car payment and and my very first brand new car. I have always been blessed with a very generous father who shows his love by paying off his car and giving to you, rather than trading it in on a new car for himself. But now, he is gone and so I must be an adult... well Mike must be the adult becuse he pays the bills....
It is just so pretty......

So whaddya think... is it me?

 

So after yet another breakdown, I give in...we need a more reliable car. We looked around in our price range (which is basically nothing)and came across this. I kinda like it in a funky sort of way. I sent Mike tonight to test drive it and see what he thinks and he came back with an offer that we think just might be doable in our budget (given 1-2 ramen meals a week). I am gonna sleep on it and see...

Go to sleep

Go to sleep....
Go to sleep..........

What the hell is my problem??

Hurricane Rita: Sunday 7 PM

So sad....
We were checking up on our patients to see where people were and whether or not they needed a home visit tomorrow.
One of our patients... the most critical and the one we were most in need of executing an evacuation plan, died en route to a facility in San Antonio.
Just so sad.....

Hurricane Rita: Friday 10 PM

Okay...(big sigh of relief)

The positive side of Rita:

Lovely weekend with family
Got the house clean
Cleaned out the gutters
Friends and family safe

Lots of junk food in the pantry.....

 
Apparently we were banking on sustaining life for 4 adults and 5 small children with Chef Boyardee, chips and fruit roll-ups.....

Hurricane Rita: Friday 11 AM

I must stop watching the damn TV. Between the constant stopping and rewinding of the the radar, the ticker at the bottom of the screen, watching all of the miserable people who have been stuck in their cars for 10-20 hours.... I am getting dizzy.
My heart is absolutely broken for the Bus that burst into flames killing 24 patients. We had a patient at that nursing home. I am sure she was not one of the ones that was included in that bus, but just the idea of these poor helpless people who cannot function without assistance... exhausted from an 18 hour journey and trapped by fire. It is just so sad.
It is hard to pray for a storm to go away knowing that it just means that it is now going to be on the doorstep of soemone else who is not prepared. It is hard to exhale and put your gaurd down, when they keep saying they really have no idea. It is hard to say thank goodness we are on the "clean" side of the storm when the clean side is gonna get 50-75 mile/hour wind.
We are still staying here. We have plenty of supplies. My home is structured in a way that it is still considered to be relatively safe.

HUrricane Rita: Thursday 1 PM

I am starting to slowly exhale....
It looks like it is going to continue to track further East. It is still one hell of a storm, but the anxiety of should we stay or should we go has subsided. It is very difficult to go anywhere now, so we really don't have a choice but to stay. This has been a really great excuse to re-decorate. I spent the majority of last night preparing our offices, then today preparing the house and taking all the important pictures and paperwork ad plaing them in a plastic bin to grab in case we do decide to leave, or in case we do have damage at least the stuff I really care about can be in boxes and in the central part of the house protected.
In college we had a fire at my house and I lost everything. Since then, I do understand the importance of stuff just being stuff, but the idea of losing everything again was overwhelming. Trying to re-build.. again.
I know that we are not out of the clear just yet.
I have a headache
My stomache and shoulders are in knots
Up and down ... up and down....

Hurricane Rita: Thursday 9 AM

Dear God.....

Well, It looks like the track is going East, which means that the eye should not go directly over our house! As of right now, we have decided to stay. If it continues to get worse and continues to go East we will head south to Corpus. We were going to go to Dallas to my cousin's, but it currently takes 13 hours to go a distance that normally takes 45 minutes. It may be the wrong decision, but the idea of taking 5 children 5 and under on a 18-20 hour journey with no ability to exit and take a break is impossible.
We have secured our house and have plenty of supplies to make it for several days. We are walking distance to freeway and a police station.
That is right now.... we will see....

He did it!!!

Look what happens when you poo poo in the potty at our house.....




















Max's new Big Boy Bike!!!!

Pitter Patter

There is just something about the pitter patter of small feet on the floor... in the middle of the night...looking for you... because they need a hug....

I am in love.... true love.....

Not lost... just exhausted

Max... pee pee in the potty....poop everywhere else... "big boy bike" bribe not working...
Ben... 9 months old... refuses to move.... sits up amazingly and can do this Tai Chi stretch to reach anything around him. If it is too far away he pouts, flirts, or cries until someone will respond. If no one responds..."I didn't need to play with it anyway..."
Mike... who? Oh yeah my husband... still sleeping next to me at night...never seem to be in the same room at the same time.... I am making dinner... he is feeding Ben.... He is changing Ben... I am following Max around, "You need to ppop on the potty? You wanna just sit down and read a book?".... we meet up at night....lay flat on our backs exhausted and hold hands as we go to sleep....
Me... work...conferences...
... too tired to finish... Mike is snoring... I want to go hold his hand....
Will be more cheerful when the sun comes up....

When you just have to do something...

I did something... it was nothing compared to what has been done or what will be done...but if everyone does just something...all those somethings will add up and mean something to someone....

Last Sunday night I turned the TV on and saw the massive storm on the TV. My heart just sank. I knew how horrible it was going to be. I just started praying for these poor people.
And it was... it was horrible. And it just kept getting worse...
I like may people were moved to help... not just "Oh I should really do something to help..." or "I was planning to give a donation, but I never really got around to doing it".
These people were flooding into my city, seeking refuge and having nothing. I started to pray. Please God... help me help you. Tell me where you need me and I promise I will do anything to help.
Then it came together. We own a home care agency that specializes in wounds and ostomies. We help people who are not sick enough to be in the hospital, but if they do not get assistance, they will be in the hospital. Ostomy supplies are not urgent supplies except for those people who need them. So I start asking our nurses, would they be willing to help if I couls get something organized. Everyone I spoke to said yes. I call vendors and other local nurses who specialize in this field... and again, a positive result all around.
Okay God.. I got the idea... I have the supplies... how do I get it to those who need it? I start calling...and calling and calling... busy signals.. "no, I am not sure what you should do, try calling (this) number.." and again, busy signals.
Doubt...maybe I was wrong...
"Rebecca, Jerri from Texas Healthspring on line 2...."
"Rebecca... I need a favor... Dr. Underwood our VP is down at the Astrodome working. She called because they have no ostomy supplies whatsoever... is there anyway you guys could help them out?"
My heart flew through the roof... with tears in my eyes I took all the information on how to get into the Dome and where to go. My mother spent the afternoon packing up all the supplies in a way that would make them easier to find and use. I load the car up with at least 10 large boxes of medical supplies.
One last prayer... how do I get there... they have made it very clear that they do not want anyone coming down to help and it is very difficult to get inside. It is also very dangerous. People have been raped, mugged and had their cars stolen. I call "my second family" to see if TJ is available to come with me for protection/assistance. Dad answers the phone and says..."No... I'll go with you" Not to give to much away (for his privacy)... but let's just say he has a badge and can carry a gun. I pick him up and we are off.
I am so nervous. My body is shaking, my stomache is turning... I'm scared...I'm excited... I don't want to get this far just to be turned away. I call one of our nurses who has made it inside the Dome and is walking up and down aisles looking for people who need what I am bringing. I call the Doc who called us and said, "Give me the buzz words to get me in..."
We get to the Dome and before we even enter the parking lot there are hundreds of people just walking around, standing around, holding signs with family names on them. Every entrance is closed with lots of police and flashing lights. I start to get frustrated.
Once again, God made sure I had the right help in the car with me. All of a sudden, Dad pulls out his badge and places it on the dashboard in clear view of the officers. The officers wave us over. I give him the buzz words and magically...we are in.
I walk through the Arena (a smaller venue which has opened since the Dome is full). I just want to weep. There are cots after cots after cots full of people. They are exhausted, they are dirty with sweat and mud. It smells of urine and feces. There was a group of small children playing tag and I just wanted to grab them in my arms, take them home, soak them in a hot bubble bath and put them to bed.
I walk through the triage area where people are trying their best to get people treated as soon as possible, whether it is a small scrape or a wheelchair bound person who probably has developed massive wound because they have been sitting for days. I find where I am suppose to deliver the supplies and we unload them.
I call our nurse who is at the Dome to tell her the supplies are here and what we brought. It is hard to hear her, so I tell her I am going to write it up and come to her.
We drive over to the Dome and I go into the Medical triage area there. It is located down a very large ramp that is usually used for massive trucks bringing stuff in and out of the Dome. I walk down this very long and very steep ramp and my view is the enitre field as if I were standing behind the goal posts. Thousands and thousands of people lying on cots. People up in the stands sitting. People laying on mounds which hold their last few possessions they have clutched on to through evacuation, flood, and a long ride to a city that is not their home. People with signs, again walking in circles and up and down the aisles looking for their familes. Faces sunken in from mental & physical exhaustion, hunger & dehydration. There are just no words.
I went home to my air conditioned home and held my children, and kissed my husband and my mother. I spent all day today going through my closets. I urge you to go through yours.
The political and celebrity bandstanding is just words... go ahead... blow off steam... because it doesn't mean a damn thing to the 90 year old women lying on her cot or the 2 month old baby who just got her 1st bottle in several days.

Little Miracles

About 10 years ago I bought the coolest little box. It was called "Little Miracles". Inside are little cards with thoughts, quotes, lyrics, etc. to open whenever you need a little miracle. I have kept it in my bedside table and it has never let me down when I have needed a little hope or inspiration. I thought I would start sharing my little miracles with you... just in case you needed one...


So here is what I pulled out today:



So maybe I have been focusing way too much on the ending of things... I have 2 very beautiful evergreens that are growing way too fast and I need to start focusing on them. I would like to open myself up to more evergreens... not the kind with diapers and late night breast feeding, but other opportunities to grow and fill my soul. I am very empty. The past few years have been a whirl wind of fast moving rivers filling my soul then quickly emptying out into the large ocean of life. Things go through my soul so quickly and with so much intensity that the only thing I focus on are the marks, scars and debris that is left in my banks after the rapids passed. I want to slow the river down so I can have the opportunity to camp out on my banks, enjoy the view, fill my soul with good times, inspiration, and lots of pictures of the evergreens.

Is it possible to have an "Aha" moment and a "what the f*&%" moment in a 6 hr time frame?

Why yes... yes it is....

My "Aha" moment:
So I have been at a conference for the past 2 days. It is a working conference for a state wide quality initiative collaborative...blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.. I will give you a moment to catch up from the boringness of that statement. The point of this conference was to pick from a list of quality issues that you are willing to focus on over the next 15 months so that the state can take the data from over 1500 other home care agencies to see if issues are an agency issue or a government issue.
THANKS FOR HANGING IN THERE... I promise that there is a self reflective moment coming...
So I am in a working portion of this conference were we decide which issue we are going to do and what we are going to do about it. There are 4 members on our team... 4 very strong highly opinionated women. Of course we all want to focus on something different. My debating hat comes out and I am prepared to fight to the death until all parties not only join my opinion, but verbalize how much better my opinion is from their opinion. The debate gets heated and I start feeling my blood pressure and pulse rise, along with my tone and volume. I am seriously fighting now. And like a light switch, everything cools down. I sit back and ask myself," what the hell are you doing? Do you really care this passionately about what you are talking about or are you just pissed because they won't say you are right?" This is not that important. This is not a deal breaker. This is not life or death, so what the hell are you doing signalling the fight or flight adrenaline button for? Perhaps we should save this energy for more important things?


6 Hours Later

My what the f*&% moment:
So 2 months and some change after my accident, I get a call from my insurance company. Apparently the car in front of the car that I hit is suing for damages, bodily injury, and "pain & suffering".... for not just one, not just two.... but for 5 PEOPLE... two of which were children. They did not bother to make a claim with my insurance company, they went straight to a lawyer. They would not agree to bring their car in for inspection until yesterday. I am so upset I could just cry. No one left the scene in any distress... no one had their car towed except for me and that was only because the radiator was leaking and I was not allowed to drive it. I ask her what happens now? She says they look at the accident as a whole then make an offer. Apparently the decision is made based on total damage. My car had a lot of damage, she says, however the car directly in front of me had minor damage...$800 or so. I remind her that my car did not sustain "alot" of damage...it is a very expensive import and what was damaged costs a lot to replace. "Well, that's true..."
"Listen... bottom line...I take full responsibility for the accident... I screwed up... I admit that.... but if the car in front of me only sustained minor bumper and grill damage how the hell could I have caused major bodily injury and pain and suffering to 5 people in a Honda civic? Can 5 people fit in a Honda civic???"
"Ma'am... please do not worry... we will fight this... this is very common... We are not afraid to take them to court, but I do not think that will be necessary."
I am just upset because it is not fair... that's right, ladies and gentleman... I am sitting on the floor with my legs crossed pouting because someone is taking advantage of the situation. And I am going to have the ghost of this experience haunting me forever.... it will raise my premiums and brand me as a risk because I was involved in a major car accident that injured 5 people. Five people who walk away with 40% of some ridiculous amount of money that will end up paying all the doctors, x-rays, chiropractic bills, physical therapy and psychotherapy that was arranged through the lawyers' doctors to prove just how bad their injuries were!!!!
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. THIS WAS NOT A MAJOR ACCIDENT.... THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULDN'T DRIVE AWAY WAS ME....I lost my father's car. I am now driving my sister's old truck with cracked windshield, window washers that don't work, a window that won't roll down, a gas gauge that doesn't work even after I fill it with $50 worth of gas every week because the mileage sucks. My father's car wasn't worth much according to the insurance, and there is no way Mike and I can afford to purchase a new car when we are already living paycheck to paycheck.
I get it.... I f&^%ing get it....STOP....I AM ON MY KNEES.... I am up to my eyebrows in lessons right now....let's just resolve this one so I can start peeling the skin off the mountain of potatoes outside my mess tent of lessons.

Peter

On my 15th birthday, my sister paid ofr me to get a haircut. It was with this really cool guy that she had been going to named Peter. That was fifteen years ago. Since then, my mother sister and I have been to see him 3, 4 even 5 times a year. It is an hour that we look forward to for weeks (because in that 15 years he has gotten very popular and sometimes it takes that long to get an appointment). He has made us beautiful through weddings, births, even deaths. Right before I left for New York, I made hima promise that if I ever made it famous and was going to a big awards ceremony, I was going to fly him in to to do my hair.
That little dream will never come true.
He died on Thursday. He was 39 years old. He was such a fabulous guy! He was married for 15 years and had a beautiful little 4 year old girl.

He was so damn cool.... death pisses me off sometimes!

Passing the Cross

I started writing this back in June, but could never get the words to come out until recently...


 

The night of my father's wake, my very dear friend, Allison, walked in the room with tears flowing. I had spoken to her many times since his death, but I had not actually seen her yet. She walked up to me unable to clearly speak through the tears and shoved the above cross in my hand. She said that it was a clutching cross, to help me through the hard times over the next few days, weeks, months. It had been her and Todd's (her husband) to clutch onto during their times of grief, but now it was for me.
I loved that cross. I never let it go that night and carried it with me the entire next day. Sometimes I held it so tight that it left an impression in my hand and made my knuckles hurt from the pressure. I kept it in my jewelry box on my bathroom counter and would take it out occasionally just to hold it and pray. It just felt good to hold it...the way the curves just caress your hand, you'd swear someone was holding it. I loved that Allison had said that I could keep it, because I just knew that I would have it forever as a memory of her love and the strength that it gave me during a time of such amazing sorrow.
That was until recently.
I got a phone call that Brent, another very good friend's sister had passed away. She was young and it was unexpected and because of her past, it was full of amazing sorrow and regret and guilt. I instantly connected with the pain. I knew where he was. I ached in my bones for the feelings that I knew he was experiencing. I cried for his wife Christina, also a dear friend, because I knew how hard it is to see someone you love in so much sorrow and grief. Allison called and said that Christina was going to give the eulogy. She said she was going to come over to her house to practice getting the words out. I asked if she would mind if I came in support. Sometimes you just need a witness to sit there and listen. As I was getting ready to go, I glanced down into my jewelry box and saw the cross. It no longer belonged to me. It didn't fit my hand anymore. I gave Christina the cross that night. She held it as she shook with tears reading a letter that her husband had written to his deceased sister but did not have the strength to read himself. She read that letter several times that night, each time holding the cross a little tighter and and speaking a little stronger.
Brent and Christina.... I am so sorry for this unexpected journey in your life. I hope that all the love and strength and experience which lives in that cross, help your hearts as you walk down this very long and difficult road.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

You would've been 60 years old today.
Hope you got a good tee time.

It just hurts....

It just really really really hurts. Mike and I bought a video camera shortly after Max was born. It is a dual video/digital camera that until this past Christmas (when we got a digital camera) we used for all of our pictures. For some reason the memory card was not able to be downloaded for several months. We had a years worth of pictures on it that we never downloaded.... a lot of Max's first 1st's (1st haircut, first foods) and the last pics of my father the April before he died in June. Shortly after we got the digital camera, I realized that I could switch the memory card and download all the pics...WHICH I SWEAR I DID. But for some reason I never deleted the pics.
Here is where I want to toss my cookies...
This weekend as we were packing up for Konner's birthday party, Mike asks me, "you said you downloaded these pics, right?" I said yes...I sorry sack of hoo hah, mother flunker, bastard, bull cradle, a-wipe said YES....
Michael deleted the pics...all 100 or so....
When I realized what he had done, I lost it... ugly, nasty, said things you don't mean, had to grieve and sulk in private for over an hour kind of lost it.
I know that if it was meant to be I would have them. I know that I have so many pictures that I do not know what to do with them. I know that I have the curls, the actual beautiful red curls that were cut that day and that is more important than a picture of it.
My dear sweet husband... I am sorry that I lost it with you. I could see in your eyes the horror that I felt. I know that you took most of those pictures and feel their loss as much as I do.

Happy Birthday, Woobie!

My adorable baby nephew is 1 year old today! I am so honored to have this adorable child in my life. This little angel was not "planned" for our family, but we thank God every day for his unexpected arrival. There were many times when my sister said that she didn't think they were going to have anymore children after Kameron & Kaitlyn, and yet I cannot imagine their family without Konner in it. He has the face of an old soul, hair like silk, innocent untouched blue eyes, and a smile that lights up a room. He is so full of love. He has been holding and hugging our necks since he was four or five months old. I have had so much fun watching you this first year, and I cannot wait for many more to come!
Happy Birthday, Konner!