Not for Me

Black Friday is just not for me. I just cannot play with the big dogs. I cannot function at 4 and 5 in the morning. I cannot plot out and attack a Christmas list with the excitement and verve like most women in their hottest sweats and pony tails on this blessed of all shopping days. I want to... really I do. For years I have pulled out the newspapers, gone on line, circled and fantasized that I too was going to have my entire Christmas list checked off by noon on the last Friday in November, and then that damn alarm clock goes off and rather than bounce out of bed, I bounce the alarm clock off the farthest wall in my bedroom.

And it is not just the early hours. It is the hunt. This day is reserved for the queen bee shoppers of all shoppers... the cut throat deal makers and breakers... you know, the women when you compliment them on their outfit they reply with the cost and location of the kill?? That is who is successful on these days. You can take no prisoners and being polite is for the lame.

I once went to Tuesday Morning on an opening day. For those of you who do not know, Tuesday Morning is a store that sells high end home decor type items discounted. They used to only be open for small periods of time. They would stock up on deals - have an opening day, sell for a few weeks then close again. Well, when I was moving into my first new house, I decided I wanted to go to one of the opening mornings to get some things for the new house. They opened at 7 AM. I decide, this is important to me, so I am gonna pretend this is high school and I am camping out for George Micheal or Def Leppard concert tickets and get there before the store opens - 6:30. Funny girl.... the line was already wrapped around the store. Okay - no problem - this is a big store, I am sure I will get some things on my list from the mailer. The doors open at 7:00 and it was very similar to the running of the brides at Filene's Basement. I was slightly overwhelmed that the old lady behind me shoved me in the door on her way to the oriental rugs. Okay.. here we go.... gotta get the bed spread... gotta get the bed spread.... turn down the aisle and the neatly stacked comforter sets are now all over the place. I dodge to and fro around flower patterns and twin size princess comforters and see my prize - in king size - I reach up to grab my beloved comforter - the base of my entire room decor - when a women a foot smaller than me jumps in front of me, leaps up like she is slam dunking and grabs the damn set. She was so small that she couldn't control it and it hits me on the way to the floor. She proceeds to protect it like Gollum protecting "precious" while hollering for her shopping partner to come look. I politely ask if she chooses not to purchase it, I would really like it, to which she scoffs - "Uh, Yeah, NO!! I WANT THIS ONE!!"

Okay.....

I walk away - not sure what just happened, but way too polite to start a smack down fight at 7:00 in the morning on a random Tuesday over a comforter. I start walking through the store looking for other things I had placed on my list, but my casual "window shopping" stroll did not match the all out hunting techniques of the women in the store. I was so overwhelmed, I just put the few things I had found down and decided I would come back. If they were still there, then it was meant to be. I have never been to a "opening" since.

So you see... I admire all of you black Friday shoppers, really I do.... and I would love to join your ranks almost as much as I wanted to sit at the cool kids table at lunch, but I am much better suited with my own kind - the "Damn it, it is Dec. 24th and I have bought nothing and nothing is wrapped, and shit I am never going to get to sleep tonight" clique....