The hardest thing to forgive....

We are once again in the ... what were we doing 2 years ago today... phase. We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my father's death from brain cancer. Little things that most people would not notice as they go throughout their day stand out to me like beacons to remind me of that very isolating time in my life. I call it isolating because it is a time .. a 2 year period, where every event, every occasion is remembered by where we were in the continuous journey of my father's illness.
There is a very specific night that haunts me to this day. I remember it as if it just happened last night. Maybe not so much the details, like what was on the TV or what I was wearing, but the feelings are as raw today as they were 2 years ago.

Saturday, June 5, 2004
We knew things were not good. We knew we weren't curing anymore, we were waiting for the inevitable. His doctor told my mother that we were looking at weeks, not months. He had been in the hospital for awhile and everyday something faded away... first he couldn't pick things up, then he couldn't grab things at all, it eventually moved to him being unable to move anything without full assistance.
My mother called.
"We need to consider hospice...(she fades away in a muffled noise of total anguish)...I can't tell him...."
You see, at this point, no one has had the conversation with my father that his time has come. My mother had asked the doctor to do it, and his response was, "I am not sure what good it is to tell him..."

"We have to tell him, but I can't do it...."
This entire time I am sobbing silently. I compose myself and call my sister at work.
"We have to find the words to tell dad, and we have to do it together, can you come?"
"I am on my way."
She ends up having car trouble and I have to go and get her. We drive the very long drive back to the hospital with both of us exchanging masks of strength and utter despair.
We get to the hospital and enter the room in silence. I can't remeber if he was awake or asleep, because by this time he was pretty much always in and out of some sort of sleep. Mom loses it on the bench near the window... the bench was always a great place to lose it, because it was just behind his line of sight, and if your sobs were quiet enough, he had no idea how utterly lost and sad you were.
We left his room several times because the anxiety was just too great. Not one of us could start the conversation... we knew the conversation had to occur... but there are no words ...
The nurse walks in with his medicine, the new medicine that the doctor has ordered to "make him more comfortable." My mother resisted starting the morphine because we knew my dad's reaction to it from previous hospital stays and we also knew that it meant that his moments of conciousness would slip away entirely. The nurse starts to head for my father, "Mr. Randall, I have some medicine here for you..." and she sees us melt into a ball of tears..... one of us tells her, "Could you just leave it... we will give it to him......"
My mother was seated on the silent bench, I was in his recliner right next to him and Karen moved to sit on the foot of his bed. She hands him the pill cup and he loosely holds it in his hand, resting it on the bed....
"Ya know girls... it doesn't look like I am going to beat this thing......"
Oh dear God.... he is telling us. He is having the conversation with us. He is saying the words that could not come out of our mouth. He is comforting us.
We all cried... cried and cried and cried.....
He took the pill and settled in to once again find comfort the only place he could.... in sleep.
My mother had been keeping a constant vigil with him. She had not slept in days, if not weeks or months. I told her that I would stay with him that night. We had a very long and difficult journey ahead of us, and it wasn't going to end tonight.
So she left with Karen. Dad and I were alone.....
The most beautiful view out of my father's room was sunset and sunrise. It faced north, so you could see the sky turn beautiful shades of gold, red, purple and blue. The worst part of sunset was that my father suffered from sundown syndrome. The darkness of night made my father very anxious and irritable. He would phase in and out of irrational and incoherent thoughts. You very rarely got more than 45 minutes or so, of peaceful sleep. So this night, I was prepared to have another night of interrupted sleep between his and the nurses constant interruptions to "check in on us" and check vital signs.
I was not prepared for one of the worst nights in my life. The medication to help my father relax did the complete opposite. He was anxious, and very awake. He was in a lot of pain and could not get comfortable.
"Baby... please.. I gotta sit up...."
So I would get up, put his side rails down, shift him to his side, lower his legs to the ground, sit him up on the side of the bed, put his slippers on, cover him with his robe, place his arms around my neck...."ready dad"..."yeah"..."okay....1-2-3"....hoist him to as much of a standing position that I could, pivot him and place him in his chair, position him with pillows, cover him with blankets.
"Is that better?"
"yeah... thanks, babe...."
Lay back down on the silent bench, and stare up at the TV pretending to watch whatever was on....
15 to 20 mintes later
"Oh, God... it hurts.... I gotta lay down... I gotta lay down...."
"Okay, dad, okay... lets get you back into bed....."
We start the procedure in reverse.
I walk out ot the nurses station....
"He is in a lotta pain.. is there anything you can give him?"
"Well... it's not time for another dose for another 2 hours....."
"Okay.... I think he is better now that he is laying down...."
15-20 minutes later
"I gotta get up... I gotta get up...."

This cycle continued all night with each new change more urgent and desperate than the previous. I was pregnant at this time, 3 or 4 months. Early enough to think I was capable of staying up all night and continuously "carrying" my 6 ft father back and forth from the bed to the recliner. It was quickly becoming clear that by 2 or 3 o'clock, I needed help. I walked out to the nurses station...
"I need some help....He wants to get into the chair and I am pregnant and starting to hurt from helping him get up and down...."
One of the 3 nurses at the station tells me, "I'll get some one to come in and help...."
A nurses aid walks in and informs me that she can't do it alone, he is to big.
She walks out and returns with several people. They get him into the chair and leave. Of course 15 minutes later he wants back into the bed... I go back out to the nurses station... they sigh and return to the room....
"Mr. Randall, you are gonna have to get comfortable...."
They surround him with pillows under every elbow, knee, foot and up and down his back. He politely smiles to them and says thanks.
Within moments of them leaving the room, he wants up again....

This is the darkest moment in my journey and one I cannot seem to forgive myself for....He pleaded with me for 15-20 minutes to get him out of the bed and back into the chair....I could only respond with, "Dad....please... I am just so tired... I can't ... I can't get you up again.....
I remember thinking in that moment... Dear God, just - take - him..... take him soon. I just can't handle this anymore.... and I weeped....quietly on the silent bench.

By sunrise he had settled down, mostly out of shear exhaustion. I remember calling my mom and explaining the night and she said to tell the doctor to start the morphine. When the doctor came in, he said I looked tired. He turned to my father and started what sounded like the "we have no other options" speech, and I quickly put up my hand and said, "we have already talked about this....."
I followed him out of the room and told him to start the morphine. He said he was going to write the orders on the chart and cancel all vital checks and request a hospice to come and speak with us.
I left the hospital that nmorning and Mike came and picked me up. He was driving my father's van. I remember climbing into the passenger seat and crying. I remember crying all the way home. I cried myself to sleep once I got home.

I have cried the entire time as I write this post. I am haunted by my father's plea for comfort and my total inability to give it to him. I am tortured by the fact that this night was the last time he was ever able to stand and I was so angry every time I heard him speak and ask me to help him. I silently pray.. 2 years later... to be back on the silent bench again to have the opportunity to re-do that night all over again....


I have the most wonderful and compassionate people in my life... and I am thanking you in advance for any kind words that you wish comment here.... but I am asking you that you please not tell me... "you did the best that you could"... I know that... I know that the only person who can forgive myself for my thoughts and set me free from this night is me...I think telling my story here has placed my feet in the right direction.....

Dad ... is it you?!?!?

So I am watching the Biography channel last night and they had a special on about Mediums. It was profiling the rather mainstream mediums who you probably have seen on TV talk shows. I have always had this fantasy of going to one of those large conferences they give and having the medium pick me out with a message from beyond. Then when my father died I actually had someone on the "other side" to communicate with. As I was watching this show I was thinking, hmmm... I wonder if dad's spirit would be strong enough to come through with a message....

.. and clear as day in my father's voice I hear....

.... "You know I don't believe in that bullshit!".....

What the hell was I thinking?

So upon the advice of my friend, Allison, who is a self tanning addict, I went to my handy local Walgreen's and picked up a self tanner.... now the only thing that has color on my body is my hands which are orange....

I will now be washing my hands every 15 minutes until the color fades or the skin falls off.....

...good times.....

Memorial Day

This memorial day I remembered:
What it is like to have a clean kitchen
What it is like to have clean bathrooms
What it is like to have all laundry done
What it is like to have all laundry done, FOLDED, AND PUT AWAY
What it is like to snuggle with my husband & kids and watch TV
What it is like to take a 2 hour nap
What it is like to go to bed at a resonable time, on clean sheets, with household chores done ....

God Bless the 3 day weekend.......

Dear everyone.....

I do not have time to write all of you individual letters, so I hope you understand why I am choosing to publish this to all of you here on the world wide web....

We were watching the movie "Robots" during breakfast. When the Robin William's robot is taking the lead character's robot to stay at his Aunt Fannie's ,Max starts to get all excited and giggle feverishly....

Max: Here you come, mommy.....
Me: Excuse me?
Max: On the TV... here you COME!!!

At this point Aunt Fannie, named after her enormous derriere, comes on scene whipping her namesake too and fro while destroying everything around her as she turns...

Max: (Laughing uncontrollably) Ahhhhh mommy... you so funny!!!
Me: Why am I Aunt Fannie?
Max: 'Cause you have a big booty!!

I have loved you all.... I must now go throw myself off a bridge.....

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

No I am not referring to the book for those of you who just googled your way here.... I am referring to my backyard last night. Exactly what was good and what was evil is subject to opinion... my husband's opinion and my own.

So last night we went and had dinner with my mother. She needed me to fix something on her new computer and since he was along for the ride, she wanted Mike to pull up some plants in her garden. The plants she was pulling up were 5 mature azalea plants that probably would have cost us a couple hundred bucks if we bought them at a nursery. After much grunting and groaning, Mike got them up and loaded into the truck to take home. It was already late so my mother bathed the boys so we could just put them into bed when we got home. I finished up what she needed on her computer and off we go to the homestead. We get home and put 2 sleepy kids into their beds and I come out to see Mike closing up shop outside. He looks down at my hands a sees a flashlight.
Him: What do you need that for?
Me: So we can see....
Him: See what?
Me: We have to get them in the ground tonight, otherwise the roots will be exposed for over 24 hours by the time we get them into the ground.....
Him: WHAT?!?!?!
Me: THOSE PLANTS ARE WORTH LOTS OF MONEY... YOU JUST WANT TO THROW AWAY MONEY?

... So once again, we are outside... in the dark... gardening......thank God that man loves me in all my glory........

... P.S. they look beautiful .....

So perhaps we started the countdown a little too early.....

This is the conversation we have every morning at our house.....

Big Red: We go to Disney World today?
Me: No baby, not today, soon.....
Big Red: (falling into a goo of disappoitnment) Yes... mommy.. today .. the airplane take us to Disney World TODAY!! P-L-E-A-S-E MOMMY!!!!!

Today we had an extra twist to the conversation:

Big Red: Mommy, I too tired to go to school today.....
Me: Well then perhaps you need to go lay back down in your bed until mommy is ready to leave.
Bog Red: Okay.....

AND HE DID!!!!!!!

This boy needs a vacation.......

Aha moment.....

Dreams vs Passion

I had an interesting "aha moment" (using Oprah terms). I have always assumed that my dreams were my passion. I gotta say that I am disagreeing with my self now.... Dreams fulfill your fantasies... Passion fills your soul. Dreams are events. Passion is motion. I think the 2 can be related, but I think people get mixed up chasings dreams (events) with no passion (motion) and end up miserable and lost because they can't make "their dreams come true".
I have a dream of being the top of my game... whatever my game is. I want that feeling of being the best or greatest whatever. I dream of others saying..."wow...that Rebecca... she is amazing at dat-dat-tada .. she is the one you want to go to...." When I think of this dream I get a very false high followed by a severe drop of "maybe someday"... like there is a lotto ticket that I have to purchase several times before I can "luck out" and have my dream come true. I do believe dreams are completely out of my control. I believe in the old Jiminy Cricket theory that "a dream is wish your heart makes", a tiny prayer sent to the universe in the hopes that the universe will align events to make this prayer answered.

My passions are a totally different situation.... my passions wrap my soul in a fuzzy blanket and fill my needs like the best cup of hot chocolate, ever. Passion gives me forward momentum and gives me drive to continue. My passion is for me, myself and I. My passions direct my actions and allow me to share my gifts. If my passion sparks passion in others, its a win-win situation. If my passion creates joy and happiness in waves in my ponds that resonate out to the banks of others, again.... everybody holds the trophy. There is nothing more wonderful than living with passion. And for those who can make choices in their lives based on following their passions, I think that is amazing. I think sometimes people are blessed to make a living doing there passion. I think some people are blessed that their living allows them time to fulfill their passions.
I think some people's dreams have come true, and as they sit in their dream they realize there is no passion to stay in the dream. Dreams are tricky. You can create the most elaborate dreams and once the universe grants your dream, you learn a completely different lesson. You realize the dream was built on a cloud and most of it was a facade and not nearly what you thought it would be... but your dream came true.....
Here is a lesson that I am knee deep into... and by knee deep, I mean it is definitly not stopping me in my tracks or drowning me, but there is enough of it around my legs that it is slowing my journey on the my path. I have spent the majority of my life looking up and chasing dreams I have created in the clouds. A couple of them have come true out of shear determination, and once I sat atop my castle in the clouds, I realized... "Ah shit.... this isn't what I wanted!" I would then go through this grief over the loss of the dream or the reality of the situation. I have created dreams that are impossible to come true and put value in them... ultimately setting me up for disappointment or sadness. Because I wasn't liking the results my dreams were giving me, I gave up on dreaming...."what's the point? I don't really believe in dreams....." and in the process I allowed my passion to be stifled as well... because what's the point of following your passion if you dont believe in the dream you are trying to fulfill?
* This is where I lost my path *
I don't want to chase dreams in the future, I want to live with passion today. I know there are many rivers I can chose to set sail upon that would be driven by my passions and I have no idea where the river will lead me. Some of the rivers are scarier than others in the fact that they require more of me, more than I have been able to find in myself. Yet like drums in the middle of the village, they are calling to me and rattling my soul as I wander in the fields, telling me.... "there is something going on here.... and you know you want to be a part of it... the rhythms are calling...."
I set events into motion.... I have no idea what time frame these events are going to happen, that is not for me to decide. I am asking a commitment of myself to stay in the water, not matter how much I want to get out of the boat. I am asking myself to trust that my soul never leads me into dark waters without the tools to find the light again. Trips occur in minutes, hours or days.... journey's last over years and life-times... this is a journey... and I will live a passionate journey....

The boys....

So I haven't huffed and puffed recently with motherhod pride, so here is an update on the munchkins I call big red and little red.....
Big red.... he is truly killing me right now.. both positively and negatively. He is very attached to Mike and I and wants to be right at our heels with everything... helping with dinner, household chores, outside activities...etc...the biggest problem is that now that "we" are doign everything together, he feels that we should rest together.... we frequently waking up in the middle of the night with a guest in between us... sometimes it is so precious because I will wake up with him holding my cheeks in a loving manner fast a asleep. We are in a constant state of testing our boundaries.... when mommy and daddy say no, we tend to whine. I am proud of the fact that MOST of the time, Mike and I stand as a united front.

Raising children

I had an interesting thought while browsing through blogs today. There seems to be quite a few blogs that talk about "kids today".... lack of respect, lost in direction... not being heard.....
I cannot speak for generations before me, but it seems like pevious generations couldn't wait to HAVE children and wanted these little experiments to reflect the type of person they wanted to be..."You are such a good mother, your kids pee pee'd in the potty by (this)".... "You must have been one helluva dad to make the money to send your kids to (blank) college".
My generation of friends having babies talks about RAISING our children... making choices that will help to build character not grade point averages. I don't want my children to go to go to the best schools, I want them to have life experiences that help them to know what they really want out of life. I don't want my kids to be doctors, I want them to be respectful. I don't want my children to grow up and get married and have grandbabies for me... I want them to have happy fulfilling relationships. I want to focus on their current development, not think how this development will lead to that development which will lead them to be perfect ... I do not want my kids to be perfect... I want them to fail, learn how to fail and learn how to grow from failure. I do not want them to be the best at everything, because I want to teach them compassion for people who are not always the best.
I know my parents wanted what was "best" for me.... both positve and negative...when I was old enough to make choices for myself they guided these choices, but did not question them once they were made. If there were consequences, they made me responsible for them, but they did not judge me for them. They made the blocks available to me, but I built my character.
I want to focus on giving my children the right blocks... not the right shoes....

God bless THIS man!!!

Do you see this man? DO YOU SEE HIM?!?!?
He is the greastest man in the world.... well, MY, world that is....

This man watched 5 children.... 6, 3, 3, 20 months and 16 months......

From 12:00 pm on Saturday until 6:00 PM Sunday while my mother, sister and I went to San Antonio for some fun.....

BACK OFF, Ladies...... He's MINE!!!!!

...more on the "Hot Mamas on the Riverwalk" later..... tonight we celebrate this glorious man!!!

Oh MY!!!.... She posted something new......

I am here daily.. several times daily and I have not posted. I am so far behind in work that I feel guilty even writing now.....

Very Quick re-cap:

Yes.. I turned 31 last week.... thank you all for the kind words and warm wishes....
My aunt passed away last week. She is the 3rd in my father's family to die from cancer.... My mother and sister traveled to NY for the funeral, which of course means our house was full of rugrats for Easter. I am happy to say that Kailtyn won the Easter egg hunt and had devoured her candy faster than her male competition.

My business trip several weeks ago was great. The trip was just peaceful and beautiful. I was in my pajamas, eating take-out from Outback steakhouse, a mud mask on my face and wet nail polish on my finger nails and toes by 7:00..... I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning watching movies uninterrupted. The conference itself was long and boring, but the events outside of the conference were great. Remember this? Well it was just the 2 of us at this conference so we had a lot of time to ourselves. She showed me a depth to herself that I never knew existed. I am not saying that we will ever be best friends, but it was interesting to hear her tell her stories in a relaxed atmosphere... amazing perspective. I think the most I talked was just to comment on what she was telling me.

Another strange (and a tad worrisome) occurrance lately is a series of very violent and/or disturbing dreams that I have had the past few nights. They include the bombing of a subway line where I hear the explosions and see the sidewalk cave in and buildings fall. The next I saw a woman plant a bomb and tell me you are going to understand the meaning of 2:10. It could be 2 minutes and 10 secs or 2 hrs and 10 minutes, but you will know the meaning of 2:10. I run and run and when my instincts tell me I can no longer run, I have to seek protection. I then see people turn around and look towards the city and say, "whoa...." and I wake up. The next was a serial killer who had escaped from jail and was stabbing people in their neck and sometimes stabbing so hard that their heads would fly off (I am seeing it all) He would look at me and give me this very evil smile and then kill the people. No one could catch him and he would show up out of the darkness and disappear back into the darkness. The last (last night) was that I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer. I am sure this is all related to my aunt's death and bringing up old issues about dad's death. I just wish I could satisfy my psyche that the images don't have to be quite so violent. The interestign thing in all the them, the theme - if you will- was that i was never concerned about me. I was concerned about those around me or the situation... hte people on the train, the people who didn't know about the bomb, the people who were beign killed, and then last night, I was more concerned with everyone else knowing that it was okay that I had been diagnosed more than the diagnosis itself.

I don't have the energy to analyze now.... but I am curious about the 2:10 thing... anyone out there know the significance of 2:10?

31

..... I genuinely have nothing to say.....

This one's for me....

icky , yucky stuff....random thoughts that seem to be so surface that I just can't seem to release them or shove them back down into the deep abyss....I was already very sensitive about my father lately... songs that trigger emotions that I am not ready or should not allow to surface when I am driving 75 mph down the beltway with no shoulders to pull off onto. Then the story about the little boy, Ben, who recently died of brain cancer and s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e... the wheel of emotions again. Yet at the same time I have these extreme moments of laughter and release. I don't quite understand the pendulum. Oh so high and oh so low. I used to love to swing when I was younger... I would love to swing now, but my weight doesn't let me be comfortable on the playground. Anyway... I loved to swing... high.. really high... and I can remember the feeling when it was time to stop... your insides were still swinging. I could still feel the ebb and flow and the self created wind that made my hair whip around and get stuck in my mouth....
It hurts... those of you who know me know that my tears don't come, like a faucet that that slowly trickles and increases with pressure as you turn the knobs. It is this pressure that I am constantly checking the gauges and when I lose my focus, the pressure is too intense and I can't stop them.
Once again simple words from a wise woman in my life has brought me to a mirror showing me my gauges and deciding I either gotta release the pressure myself in a controlled setting or it is going to blow up in my face.
I am taking a business trip by myself (driving) and she wrote a simple email to me...

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"

I have really been looking forward to this trip. It wasn't until I got this email that I realized why. I am a cave dweller... I need the protection all around me in a safe quiet place to process. I have been known in the past to get stuck in the cave or worse, go so deep into the mountain that I can't find my way out alone. Luckily experience and lessons learned have shown me that this is not the fun path in life. However, I also get so scared of getting lost in the mountain again, that I go out on these hikes, as far away from the cave as possible. And then I get exhuasted and lose my way in the jungle only to find myself walking in circles crying. Once again, pendulum has brought me from darkness to blinding sun with the same results... lost, walking in circles, crying.
I have not accepted, forgiven or released a lot of the events surrounding my father's death. I have started removing the weeds and tilling the ground I chose to plant my seeds of life into.... I was not prepared for the emotions that come with taking out the garbage. I know the tears will help to nourish the seeds of change, but I need a little more time and space than the 15 minute trip to work along a road with no shoulders to stop and catch my breath. I am looking forward to a nice quiet drive, followed by an empty room, a hot shower and dark curtains to shut my daily responsibilities out and process... or not process... just rest....

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"

Springing forward sucks...

I already have enough problems getting places on time.... and every year ya gotta smear it in my face by adding an extra hour on to it?

... the governement.....

A bunch of Happy Birthdays!!

Please go wish a Happy Birthday to the self proclaimed April Fool ... she is a Becky, too. I have had the pleasure of reading her blog for quite a while and we have shared quite a few similarities in our life's journey other than the same name....

Then go stop by Amanda, She just turned 30 and has her arms full with a brand new baby girl!

And even though she doesn't have a blog... I know she has been able to stop by here in the blog world to check out how we are doing here in the way down South! My yankee New York then moved to Vermont sister-in-law, Vickie, is having a birthday today, too!!!

Happy Birthday, everyone!!!!!

A little prayer never hurt....

....just so sad....

Stick a fork in me.. cause I am D-U-N !!!!

... pitch fork that is....

So stage 3 of my journey to a much more pleasant back yard is complete.....

It all started about 4 years ago when we bought our house. There was a beautiful tree smack dab in the center of our back yard.



She was a bute, but she wouldn't let sunshine in at all.... the good thing was that it was always cool... the bad thing was that the ground was always mud. At first we thought we were going to put landscaping stones everywhere, but that was way out of our budget. We tried sodding it, but becuase there was no light, we had no luck. Then Mike was going to make a tire mulch play ground, but way too extensive with drainage systems, blah, blah, blah. So we kept it hidden behind a 6 ft fence and pretended that it didn't exist.

We then noticed that thousands of tiny guests had decided to eat our tree from the inside out, so the tree had to go... I was so sad to see her go. She really was beautiful. But like the old saying goes, when God closes a door, He opens a window... and when this window opened Mike and I finally decided it was time to put some real time, money, and elbow grease to work and create a back yard our childen could enjoy....

First... we killed eveything that was left... tilled...



then tilled some more... tore down the fence.... (sledge hammers and lots of built up frustration and energy... so much fun!!)

We then had 4 yards of dirt, 3 yards of mulch and 2 pallets of grass delivered....



Everybody helped....



....and right at at the end when I thought I was going to die from exhaustion, the calvary showed up in the form of my mother and my sister with her kids. The kids kept my kids occupied and mom and Karen helped Mike and I level the ground and lay the sod (truly angels that I will never be able to thank enough)... and now we have this......





I am pretty sure that I have never worked so hard for so long in my life. I am always the big dreamer, never the big finisher. I am so proud of me and my husband for making a realistic plan, sticking to it and accomplishing the goal. We still have a lot of waiting for the grass to take and the bulbs to bloom, but I am looking forward to seeing he results of our labor.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, Ta Ta !



....next we do the garage!

A funny thing happened on the way to the Walgreen's....

Let me start this post with a very clear warning that this is one of those "TOO MUCH INFORMTION" posts.... so if ya can't take the heat... get out of my kitchen now before your eyes burst into flames reading the following story....








Now... momma decided last night that she needed some luvin....it had been a while because we have been out of our chosen form of controlling the amount of clones I create of my husband.... this has always been my husband's job.... it is his responsibility to make sure we are not out and to replace them when we are, but it has slipped both of our minds (and desire) lately....
He was already getting ready for bed, so he told me that if I wanted it, I had to go to Walgreen's to get it.....(big huge smile on his face)....so after some whiny delay, I finally psyche myself up enough to go....
"Is there anything else that we need so it isn't so obvious?"
(Again... big smile from him because he knows how much this is killing me....)
I get in the car and try to convince myself what a dork I am being about this... I am clearly an adult, married and performing an action accepted event by even the most strict religions....I even have proof that this event has occured at least twice in the form of big red and little red....but no one knows an estimated time and date these events occurred like the total strangers at Walgreen's could assume....
So I walk into the store and pick up a basket. I start to walk up and down the aisles looking very casual and picking up anything that we might possibly need in the next 3 months or in the eent that a natural disaster should sneek up on us. I get to the aisle that has the main item on my mental shopping list and realize how very little I know about this household item that has kept me out of a double wide trailer with 16 kids. I have no clue which one to get, my pleasure, his pleasure, spermicidal or heated lubricant, blah blah blah blah.... I just grab one and continue my stroll through the store stocking up on our bomb shelter necessities. I am satisfied with the amount of shampoo, pediacare, orange juice, and diet coke to hide my teenage embarrassment, so I head to the check out... manned by 2 MALE teenage checkers....Oh God help me.... I know you are laughing your ass off right now up there, but give me a break. I walk up to one of them, drop the basket on the counter and immediately turn my entire focus to swiping my debit card and reading every instruction very intently as if I had never read whether or not I wanted cash back before and what denominations I had to chose from. I then hear him say,
"I think these are on sale"
Referring to the Diet cokes I answer "Yeah, but they are 3 for 9.99 and I only want one"
Choking and stuttering he starts to chuckle and say say, " No I mean... uhm... well the other thing...."
I HAD TO PICK THE ONE ON SALE!!!
So here he is trying to keep himself from laughing and thumbing through the Walgreen's ad to make sure that the one I have chosen are in fact on sale....
"Yep, right here....."
He then takes $5.99 of the main price and tries not to make eye contact with me as I am literally on the verge if crying from laughter at how this trip to Walgreen's has turned out.

.... I walk into the door at home to Michael saying, "You should have taken your phone with you... squirt is up!"
I walk into our bed to find our 1 yr old wimpering with a 102 temp.....
... at least we used the Pediacare I bought .....

Good news.... Bad news....

Good news: Weekend started early for me
Bad news: Up all night with a baby with 102 temp
Good news: Soil, mulch and sod being delivered today
Bad news: WE are putting it all down
Good news: It is her, last day at a job that has under appreciated her for too long
Bad news: I will not be there for our daily email conversations

Update

So my plan is to try and update every Wednesday or Thursday my weight success.... I am also trying to not step on the scale but once a week. This is very hard as I am not the most patient person and I want to see results instantly.
What makes me laugh as I am writing this, is that in our 3 step process to a bigger and better outside, I planted bulbs. And even though I know from my 4th grade science class this is going to take a long time for those babies to sprout, I secretly peek through my blinds every morning to see if anything has come up.....

I keep telling myself this is a life change, not a diet. I am going to live my days they way I want to live them for the rest of my life. I am not going to deny myself a piece of the office birthday cake we are celebrating, because I am not going to go through my life denying myself birthday parties and celebrations.... It's not the extra's that are my problem. It's the day to day...

Part of this is also processing the habits and where they came from and choices I have made and the consequences those choices have created. I am not ready to put it on paper (or electronic file). It is still spinning in my head and conversations between me and God. I also have not made time for it as I am choosing to spend all my extra time and energy (and even some I do not have) working on the house. It is amazing how hard work releases so much....

Change is inevitable... patience is a virtue

So I am lightening up... figuratively, physically, emotionally and spiritually....

I thought I might reflect these changes here by tring to go way from my normal "black". Of course this now means I have screwed up everything with a single touch and I am now trying to figure out how to put it all back....

...patience.....

Every cell is throbbing.....

So this weekend we worked on stage 2 of the 3 stage process concerning the outside of our house. As you saw in the earlier post, we have already re-potted a bunch of plants to go on our patio. This weekend Mike and I rented a tiller and worked our flower beds in the front and tilled the entire back yard to prepare it for sod. We stared at 8:00 am...(okay, so Mike stared at 6:30 when he left to get the tiller...first come first serve and all) We finally stopped at 8:00 pm last night (planting plants in the front flower bed while Max held a flashlight for me). Now before everyone jumps on me for late night planting, we were supposed to get a nasty storm today (nothing yet) and it was window of opportunity before all of the freshly ground dirt turned into mud soup. Ben was breaking my heart because as I was on my hands and knees putting plants in the ground, he would come right in front of me, sit down, lay his head on my chest and start hugging me.
Then today we worked a little more prepping the back yard. We were hopping the tilling was going to cover up some holes in the back, but it looks like we are going to have to get some soil to lay out before we sod.
Every cell in my body hurts... it is even killing me to type this blog, but I have been absent recently and I hate it when there are big gaps in my journal. When I go back and read them, I always think.... what the hell was going on during that time?

Watch out, Florida!

Disney World ...HERE WE COME!!!
And by WE... I mean the whole troop.... 4 adults, 5 children....
I just booked our flights and rented the full size van....

I am not sure that I am going to be able to handle the excitement. I made the mistake of telling Max about it too early and so every morning he tells me, "No school today, mommy... we go to Disney World!"

He has no idea how much I wish that his statement was true!

I AM SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!!!

Wake up!

Max woke up VERY early the other day when I was getting ready to go walking. He was perplexed because it was dark outside and still "sleepy night-night time". I told him I was going to go and get the sun and tell it to "WAKE UP". Once I got back he ran to the window and presented it to me "look mommy, the sun is up... YOU DID IT!"

The joy of mud

So Ben discovered the joy of mud yesterday. My mother and I were re-potting all of our plants and Max and Ben and my niece, Kaitlyn and nephews Kameron and Konner were "helping".
Ben has always loved to splash. He has always been the type of baby who loves the crash of his hands on water and the joy of the water hitting everything within it's reach. Bath time is always quite an experience, thanks to this love of his.
I didn't think he could love an exercise more... until he found the perfect medium.... Mud .... it's cool, slimey, squishy and when you hit it, it SPLATTERS...e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e...... Mom and I had no idea how much fun he was having until we looked over and saw this.....

Upon closer inspection, we could see the full detail of this little toddler in his first outdoor experiment with mud.....


Why do I have the feeling that I should invest in stock with Tide?

Why

Why when you ask someone for their number the say:

"888-555-2485, but the best number to reach me at is (blah, blah, blah...)"

Why the hell did you not give me that number in the 1st place....

Walk of the Penguins

Did I pick the wrong movie? Was there a different title to the cute little movie that they advertised as the family sleeper of the year? Ya know the commercial... the kids and parents in the movie theater exiting from seeing the "cutest film ever" and waddling around looking like over-stuffed carnival dolls?

Cause that was NOT the movie I put on for me and my family Friday night!

The movie I saw had Morgan Freeman narrating a film about penguins anguish and how often "most will not make it" with horrible shots of eggs freezing while penguins looked on, adult penguins dying for the cold, mommy and daddy penguins who "are literally starving", baby penguins being attacked by birds of prey, and some of the ones who survived that freezing on the snow because of the mother of all blizzards", mothers so depressed from their loss they tried to steal other babies and the mad rush attack from the other mother penguins who are "not going to let that happen".

It was like the "Shawshank Redemption" of animal documentaries....

... Don't worry, angel.... those penguins are just so sleepy from the cold they laid down to take a long nap.......

Because it's Friday

I was gonna write some big deep blog about nothingness and got side tracked reading blogs...blog led to blog which led to this:



cuteoverload.com


Ya just gotta add this one to your blogroll....well.. maybe not Kyle...
it may be way too cute overload for him.....He might enjoy this version at Angry Love

HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUYYYYSSSSSS!!!!!

Oh my goodness.....

I MUST have this....scroll to the bottom and watch the trailer....

Are you surfing the waves of memories one song from our youth can create?

No wonder I expect only the best when it comes to entertainment...Bill Cosby, Morgan Freeman, Rita Moreno, Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder... these are the people that brought us our educational TV!!!!

How FRIGGIN cool!

Cruel and unusual punishment

I am going to a darker side right now, but I am about to vomit after reading about the temporary delay in the execution of a man in California. Apparently there was a court order that anesthesiologists be present in case the prisoner appeared to be in pain during the execution and intervene with sedation. The defense lawyers said that it would be cruel and unusual punishment if this raping murderer woke up during the process of the execution and felt the pain of his heart stopping.
I am pretty sure there was no judge, no lawyers and no court procedings about the 17 year old girl's pain when she was being raped and murdered.....

Late night Love conversations

Apparently Ben fell asleep last night while talking to his girlfriend. I checked on him right before going to bed. He was laying on his side with his play Elmo phone resting on his ear.

Hubby's hobby has taken over.....

Trains, trains, and more trains.....

The hubby and my boys are crazy for trains. Everyone (including little red thanks to Aunt Tiff and Uncle Shaun ) has their own train set. They range from the Hogwart's Express to 3 storage bins of Geo Trax. One day I am sure that I am going to walk into the house and it will be one huge series of train tracks all entertwined amongst themselves and all over my house.

Until then, hopefully he can be satisfied with taking pictures and publishing them on his new blog:

geotraxcity.blogspot.com

Please forgive his inability to spell.... I love him anyway.....

I did it

So ... I did it...
It took me three years and the grace of God, but I did it.
I stood up to someone and said my peace in it's entirety. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I was sitting in a meeting and I just couldn't stand it any longer. It was one of those moments when you know you are about to open the flood gates, cross a line, go to that point of no return and you amaze yourself that you have opened your mouth and the words coming out are the ones that you have rattled in your brain for what seems like forever. It was one of those times when you openly acknowledge to yourself that you are opening yourself up to the firing range and you are probably going to stand there alone, but you have to say what you have to say or you will explode under the self inflicted pressure.
So I did it... I let it all go... I could not let her beat down the people in the room any longer. I see her week after week stealing the life out of our employees and I could not let them sit there in fear of her any longer. When the words started flowing, I slowly saw the other employees who normally sit through this weekly meeting staring at the table and praying that she doesn't call on them, suddenly lift their heads and slowly shake in agreement with the words that were coming out of my mouth. She tried to spin my words to be in her favor, but I wouldn't allow it.. I had come this far...I stuck my neck out so I might as well say everything before she cuts it off.
One of the employees was so relieved that she found the courage to stand beside me and thank me for standing up for them. Everyone slowly came to this silent solidarity. We know the problems, we know it is all wrong... we didn't need her to voice it in a meeting, yell at people in front of other employees, demand change then walk out with no solutions.
The meeting was adjourned... she left the office.. I knew this was not over.. but I was finally ready to lay my cards on the table and play the hand to the end. She came back and went straight into my mother's office, slammed the door and began to yell at my mother. I could hear her through the wall since my office shares the same wall. I heard her voice, but I did not hear my mother's. Next thing I know she is standing at my door and points angrily to my mother's door, which of course was the "parent's" way of caling the "child" into mom and dad's room for punishment.
She sat down, and I sat down and turned my chair to face her directly. She looked at my mother, and my mother told her that this was between her and me and if she wanted me in here, she needed to talk to me. At one point in her rant my mother starts to interrupt her and stand up for me and I quickly jumped in and said, "I am listening to every word she says, and I respect her enough to let her finish completely before responding and I will in turn ask for the same respect when it is my turn to speak." My mother quietly sat back in the realization that I am ready to enter this battle alone.
When she was done, I started to speak... she very quickly started interrupting my comments and I reminded her that I had respected her words, and I asked that she respect mine. She sat back and crossed her arms and legs.
Behind those closed doors, I finally found my foundation. I advised her that I cannot change how she perceived what happened in that conference room today. I was not putting her down, I was standing up for the employees. I reminded her that she is ONE of the owners of this company, not my parent, and I will not be told what I can and cannot say or what I can question or cannot question. I told her that the overall mood of this company was very negative and telling people what a poor job they were doing was not helping to fix our crisis. I said much more, and willingly admit that in the heat of the conversation, I crossed lines when I shouldn't have, but the majority of my words were clear and resolute. I hoped that she would take the time to hear my words and pray about what I have said (she is a VERY religiuos person).
I know she heard me... I do not think her ego will allow her to acknowledge that fact... but that's okay. I didn't need her to hear the words as much as I needed to say them. I know it will be very difficult to work with her and her family for awhile, but I never really cared what they thought in the first place. This is my mother's sweat and tears... this is my mother's sacrifice.. it is my will to make it the best company it can be so that when the time comes and my mother is ready, it will pull the best profit possible for her retirement.
My mother called me on the way home from work...
"....I love you more than you will ever know...."
"No, mom... I love YOU more than you will ever know...."
Standing up has never felt so good.

What the hell....

They had months ...YEARS... to plan... there were meetings and lots of people agreed that what was produced was the most amazing Italian spectacular ever.... these people are decendants of some of the greatest artists that ever graced the dark ages and THIS is what they came up with.....

Dancing cows
Women dressed as cows
Alpine men with flag poles up their back
Dancing trees
Anorexic mafia girl covered in sequence carrying a flag
A stadium the size of several football fields and 1 man who choreographed himself a modern ballet with a costume inspired by the cadaver exhibits...( I am just curious: was this man blowing someone on the olympic planning committee or is he the nephew of a high ranking mafia leader?)
8 famous women walking a football field for 5 minutes
American techno disco introducing muslim nations while Bob Costas and Brian Williams debate the dangerous intentions of Iran's newest president....


And I watched every minute of the 4 hours.... I have no idea why... must have been the car crash mentality ..... that and I was mentally writing this blog the entire time.....

and by the way...

Bode...put the fucking beret on....

A new place

I am in a place that I am not sure I have ever been before. If I have been here before, it was so long ago that I do not remember what it felt like. I am not sure that it is is fair to call it what I am going to call it, but it is the only word that keeps coming to my mind.... peace... it's a Becky type peace. Not many people would come here and call it peace, but I call it peace, and since it's mine, I get to call it whatever I want.
My life has always seem to be a series of periods, events, moments of crisis, periods of recovery.
Hurry, graduate high school early. Go straight from summer school and night school into college.
House burns down, period of recovery.
Hide from childhood demons in unhealthy choices, recover from choices, deal with demons.
Start my professional life early, finish up college.
Move to New York, find myself, find husband, wedding, find out about marriage, 9-11, move home.
Deal with all the issues external and internal concerning "loss" of a dream while trying to find a new dream.
Buy a house, find out I am pregnant, find out my father has brain cancer.
Fight cancer as a family, have a baby, try to figure out what being a "mother" means.
Cancer won't go away... fight it harder... find out I am pregnant again... lose the fight with cancer...lose one of the strongest anchors in my life (both positive and negative)... have a baby.. try to figure out how to grieve and how to rejoice from both ends of the pendulum.
Just trying to remember the sequence of events is making me tired and dizzy.

But since January, I have had a bunch of little victories for myself. Things that some might shrug as common everyday occurrances, but for me they are huge. Scheduling myself, organizing thoughts, finishing projects, accomplishing goals.... reflecting on the accomplishments and enjoying the moments.
Spending time figuring out what I want, not breaking myself trying to solve others problems.
Opening my ears, not my mouth... being supportive by listening, not volunteering energy that I do not have.
Not allowing others to take my energy.
Venting... in every sense of the word... acknowledging the irrational emotion, not hiding or avoiding, but releasing, re-evaluating, learning and moving on.

I didn't have a great "aha" moment. I cannot tell you why today it's okay and last week it was not. I can just tell you that I am aware of it as if my life is enjoying the most beautiful crystal clear day that every existed.

It's not perfect, it's still messy, it's still beautiful, it's still hard, it's still everything... it's just clear... and it's peaceful.. it's big deep full breaths of the best air I have ever had the pleasure of inhaling.

For women only

I am pretty sure that my body is punishing me for not fertilizing this egg....

To those of you in sales.....

Let us just begin this post by saying, I am not a salesperson... I have never been a sales person... I could never be a sales person. I have been on the other side of sales for a lot of my working life.

Let me start by asking a question.... do you really accomplish selling anything by "popping by", calling daily, emailing constantly and over all harrassing the would be customers that you are persuing? Do you really think that I WANT to engage in business relationship with someone who is constantly inmy face?

My next question is... do you actually know anything about that which you are marketing? What it is that I do? How the answers to the two previous questions compare?

AND LASTLY.... do NOT show up with your executives at my door and ask for me to to praise you in front of them because THAT is NOT going to happen......

Bitter Bitter Bee....

I would like to forwarn everyone that it is probably best to keep a safe distance from this extremely bitter bitter bee....

There is an amount of rage and pissiness that I am experienceing right now that even shocks myself. I am having tolerance issues, I am in a constant state of internal monologue-ing coming up with incredible speeches to spew at any given time.. I am almost daring people to spark my fire just to see how high my flame really can go....

I am tired of coming across the same bullshit... over and over and over....

I am praying for the lesson... I am begging for the light... I am looking for the patience.

I am asking myself the questions, I am counting to 10 hoping for my moment of clarity with a deep breath and lower blood pressure.

I am pretty sure all will resolve when I start my period......

You are MORE than this

So I have been unable to blog about a very difficult situation lately. It is not my situation, so out of privacy, I will not go into details.
It is in these details where the most pain has occurred. Lot's of new information coming to light, many sides to the story, lots of strings pulled and manipulated.
I wish I could grow wings and pull this person out of the "details" to look at the big picture.
I want this person to know that they are MORE than this.
I want this person to know they are MORE than the accusations, and name calling, and blame gaming.
I want this person to know that they are MORE than this.
I want this person to know that this situation does not change the fact that they are the most amazing, wonderful, loving, smart, and caring person they have always been.
I want this person to know that they are MORE than this.
I want this person to know that I hurt for them and I can never imagine what it must be like to be in their skin, right now.
I want this person to know that they are MORE than this.

I want this person to know that they are MORE than this!!!!!!

I want this person to know that they are MORE than this!!!!!!

What I learned on Oprah

So, since I was home with Ben, I had the chance to catch up on a little Oprah. I probably shouldn't have, because now I am walking around with a terrorist bird flu cloud over my head. Here is what I learned from the "experts" on Oprah's pretty new blue 20th anniversary set:

The terrorists are smart enough to build a nuclear bomb....
... they just don't have the ability to get the materials to build that bomb.

The majority of the current 20 something Arab generation rejects terrorism...
...and if you believe that statement you are scratchng your head as to how Hamas won the Palestinian election...
... and we don't need to be worried about the 20 somethings... we need to be worried about the 5-10 yr olds who are being trained now to sacrifice themselves in 10-15 years with no fear.

Americans want answers now... we live in 1 yr intervals and election cycles... nothing matters what happened last year, who knows what is going to happen next year so why bother....
... the terrorists live in generational intervals... they can wait for 10-20-60-100 years.... they have been fighting for hundreds of years....

A world wide pandemic is going to happen because we are now a global community.

They do not know if it is going to be the bird flu, but they know that something is going to happen...
... they suspect the bird flu because it is following a similar trend as the 1918 flu that killed so many.

Currently they bird flu only passes from animal to human...
... what they are worried about is when it mutates to pass from human to human and that has not happened yet.

Worldwide, AIDS has killed approximately 30 million people in 24 years
.... a bird flu will kill 100 million in 6-8 months.

It is currently impossible to produce enough medicine and vaccine for the world, because most medicines come from 2 factories and both are overseas.

The people that will be most affected by this virus are from 20-40 yrs of age, not the young and the fraile...
... this virus affects every major system from the brain to the respiratory to the gastrointestinal and causes the immune system to go into over drive. You don't actually die from the virus, your immune system kills you because it is so overwhelmed that it starts killing every cell in your body.

I do not believe in running around like chicken little, but I do believe the Earth has a way of cleansing itself, and I do think that we must accept this fact as an even trade for the way that we treat her.

I can also say that I believe in an afterlife. I have always had the belief that I would rather be in the epicenter of the bomb than on the out skirts and rebuild. I do not fear death, I am incredibly saddened at the thought of some one dying and continuing on my journey without their presence.

I did not take the above information and feel the need to panic and buy masks and stock up on Tamiflu, but I do feel the need to make sure that I can comfort and protect those around me if a crisis does happen. I think that if you have very been faced with a natural or man made disaster (hurricane or 9-11) you realize, your stock portfolio means nothing when you don't have clean water.

I think we must face the idea of crisis and disaster, not to panic, but to start running the dialogue in or head as to what we would do, how to keep a cool head, how not to get wrapped up in the media of it all.....

Moments you just don't want to forget

I was home today with a sweet little 1 yr old with rip-roaring ear infections in both ears. This morning we had to "pretend" our usual ritual in order for me to get the 3 yr old to school without a bigger than usual "NO SCHOOL" tantrum. We get Max to school and to his class. Then we start our way out the door with a very perplexed Ben. He kept looking in the direction of his class and looking at me with a, "Yo.. woman... you are forgetting something" expression. We get home and slowly Ben starts to get it....me... mommy... me....mommy.....no daddy... no max..... just ME & MOMMY!!!!!! We had such a lovely time playing in between tylenol and motrin highs. And I actually got some work done during the tylenol and motrin induced naps.
This evening I was finishing up some work while Daddy took over bath duties, I hear him call from the bathroom...."the little one is ready", a usual cry to come and start the process of drying, dressing, and settling down for night, night. I come down the hall and turn into the bathroom to see a site that warmed my whole body. All my boys in the tub... ALL my boys...Max and Ben were busting out of the seams that Daddy was in the bath and enjoying the toys as much as they were.

I have a picture, but I promised my love that I would not share it with the WORLD WIDE WEB.

Would you call it grape... or aubergine?

I bought an eye shadow last night called Aubergine Queen....
I am wearing it in full glory today as any good southern woman would....

Big Mistake.... HUGE!!!

Stat Counter.....

I had originally had a stat counter here, but I think the website went under because it just dissappeared one day. So I told myself that I didn't really need one, I pretty much know who comes by here because it is the same people who comment, and it was pretty much the same amount of hits per day/week/month, whatever.....
But then a friend mentioned her stat counter on her blog the other day... how many hits, where they came from, blah blah blah....

How FREAKIN COOL is THAT?!?! Now I am sure this has been around for awhile and I am not as technically advanced as most. I just never came across it or cared to research it... until yesterday.....

So I put a new counter on.... I already see trouble around the bend.... BIG TROUBLE! How many hits? How many unique hits? How long did they stay? Where are they from? How did they get here? What keywords did they use that googled them here?!?!

It amazes me what people can accomplish with too much free time.... we can't cure the common cold, but I know that someone from Randolph, Massachuesetts came to my site and stayed from 1-5 minutes....

Again....HOW FREAKIN COOL!!!!

P.S. Don't worry , you lurkers out there.... it can't give me nmaes... I know you are lurking around here occasionally but don't stop to comment... I just thank you for showing interest!

Big gloobily glops of energy

I have these incredibly big bursts of energy to do absolutely everything other than what I am doing.... I want to toss the current project I am working on and move onto others, but I know I can't effectively do the other things without completing the first task.

Kinda like a horse stuck in the starting gate.......

Question

Is it evil not to warn a 3 year old that a shot is imminent within the next 3 seconds......

So big red and little red had their check-ups this morning. Both are doing great and growing like oak trees (they are both in the 95% of everything). They were both so great and so cooperative that it killed me that I knew how this visit with "Daka Milla" was going to end.. she starts with hugs and kisses, but then she sends in those evil women with needles... lots of needles.... Ben got 4.... Max 1. Max was laying there smiling and flirting with the nurse.
"Now mommy is gonna hug you real tight...can you take a deep breath for me? 1....2....3....."
His face had the most pathetic, "WTF" look on it and big tears came streaming down. We both attack him with high pitched..."I know, I know.. it's okay, it's over... All done!" And he pantingly looked at us through tears like... "Well, what they hell did we do that for?"
Then it was Ben's turn... luckily being an amazing big brother he kept patting Ben's tummy and saying in the same high pitched voice he had just heard, "It's okay, baby Ben..."
Then we had to go get lab work drawn on Ben. The tech couldn't get it on the first arm after fishing for what seemed like an eternity in "mommy time". She gave up and went to go get more supplies to try the other arm. On take two, Max had enough of that woman making his brother cry, so he pushes his way between me and the tech to get to Ben, "Please don't cry baby Ben, it's okay, it's okay" The tech raised her voice to Max and he looked so hurt. I wanted to slap the tech, but instead I turned my attention to Max and let him know that she wasn't hurting Ben, and how proud I was that he wanted to help Ben.

I plan to print and frame this post in their room for easy access so that when they are killing each other in a few years I can remind them that there was a time when they cared for each other....

Prince Charming and the narcoleptic Sleeping Beauty

Ta Ta: Get up and get your ass in the shower
Me: Hey... I'm sleeping beauty....
Ta Ta: (crawling into bed and snuggling) Uh, huh...
Me: Prince charming would never talk to sleeping beauty that way.
Ta Ta: Okay ( kiss ) Now get your PRETTY little ass in the shower....

A shared journey

Friday morning as I was leaving for work my cell phone rang. It was Michael: "You need to call Allison, Todd's dad just died..."

I started crying before I pressed end. I had no idea how shallow wounds could be ripped wide open so quickly. I was crying for Todd... I knew what emotions were hitting him like bricks. I was crying for Allison... I know what it is like to want to fall to pieces in sadness for your husband who is feeling a hurt that no hand, not even a wife's, can take away. I cried for Todd's mother.... I have seen the emptiness that is left behind in a woman's life when her soul mate leaves before her.

I did not want to have to share this journey with someone so close to my heart. The journey of sadness, anger, and emptiness when the man you have relied on as the most wise man in your world leaves. The man whose approval meant more than anyone else. The man who always had the answers and could always help solve your problems. The man who was supposed to teach our sons how to golf. The man who was supposed to always sit at the head of any holiday table.

Todd,
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am that your father passed away. There aren't enough hugs. There are no words. There is only the promise that I will never pretend to be able to change your feelings, but I can promise that I will always understand where those feelings are coming from and will sit in silence by your side. My shoulder is always available to lean on, my ears always open to listen and my arms are always open for comfort.

What I learned this holiday season

Miracles do happen... I hugged the man that came out of the car that was squashed like a pancake.... his injuries? Scratches....

I am not a SUPER mommy, but I am still a GREAT mommy.

It is not what is on the table, but who is around it.

My husband and I may fight a lot, but we are REALLY GOOD at the making up part.

It is still more fun (and more important) to build trains instead of cleaning the kitchen.

It really is more fun to give than to receive.

The digital camera is one of the best inventions ever.

If I continue to live my life the way I am now, I will not be around to see my children's lives.

It is possible to do 15 loads of laundry in one day...wash...dry...fold... AND PUT AWAY!

It is possible to get excited about a Disney World trip 6 months in advance.

My boys do get cuter every day.

I am blessed, truly blessed with family and friends.

Happy New YOU!

My 3 yr old niece, Kaitlyn's version of a holiday classic:

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New YOU!

Wishing you a Happy New YOU in 2006!

Now that's what I call Christmas!

Blogger note: our DSL has been down on top of all the holiday craziness... I have had this post for over a week just never got around to posting! I had big plans to add pics and all, but it just didn't happen with dial-up.... so better late than never!

Now back to the post!


Let's just say that I got out of my nightgown at 9 PM, threw some clothes on, drove home, and got back into my nightgown and got into bed......but I am getting ahead of myself....

Christmas weekend started on Friday with my boys in tow for a few hours of work (why my daycare was closed I have no idea). Friday night we had a birthday party for Ben with friends and family. Lots of kids, lots of pizza and cake...lots of fun.

Saturday I spent the majority of the day locked in our backroom wrapping presents. My sister called saying that Christmas Children's Mass was at 4:00 not 6:00 so I stop wrapping and do a "chicken with her head cut off" dance trying to get the kids ready 2 hours earlier than scheduled, only to get a call as we are leaving that the church is packed and over flowing 1/2 before the service even starts. We then decide to go to the 6:00 Mass which in fact turned out to be 6:30 so we sat in church for an hour before the service started with two wiggly 3 yr olds and a 6 yr old who wanted to know why that man was strapped up there on that wood thingy....(time for CCE classes I guess).
Saturday night we had dinner, then got the kids into their PJs and took them all in the car to look at the lights in the neighborhood. Did you know you could fit 4 adults and 5 children in a small SUV? We got home and settled everyone down into their make shift bed on the living room floor and put on Polar Express. The kids were out within minutes, but we all stayed up to make sure they wouldn't wake up while we were bringing the presents out. My mother and sister had never seen Polar Express so we watched it through the end. When it was over, all four of us satred to bring the presents in and place them under the tree when the grandfather clock started to chime that it was midnight... we all stopped in our tracks and my sister said, "No way" and the same time that my mom said " Oh my gosh... Santa is here!" We all teared up at the irony!
Christmas day.... an explosion of 5 children's gifts everywhere... Darth Vader mask, leap pads, power touch books, Cinderella'a stage coach, etc.... the house was filled with blinky flashy lights, singing and talking toys. The only fighting was with the two 1yr olds. No one could tell who won, but there was alot of crying and slapping.
Had lunch, took a nap, laid around some more... packed everyone up and came home...
All in all a lovely restful Christmas!

Stick a fork in me....

....cause I am done....
After a week of bed times at 1:30....
Forgotten cookies....
Sugar cookies....
Nestle crunch cookies....
Chocolate peppermint cookies (that ended up in the trash)....
Christmas wreath cookies....
Peanut butter rice krispie treats with chocolate drizzled on top....
Taking above cookies and putting them into containers for friends, neighbors and daycare teachers....
Shopping in aisles too small for 3 carts to get through (can you just wait... I am trying to LOOK at the toy to see if it is the right one)
Christmas CD's HAND delivered so that friends could at least enjoy it a few days before Christmas

I just can't be HER... I WANT to be her.... but I just can't... I want to be THAT mom.... I want to be THAT aunt...THAT friend...but I just can't......I am too damn tired.... this wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be......I am now shifting to the
"My house isn't going to be that clean, but you should be able to walk" girl
"The cookies may not be from Martha Stewart, but they taste real good with the wine and conversation" girl....
"I may not have made that from scratch, but it was MADE and heated in my home that is now covered in Christmas lights so please appreciate my garland, not my home made recipes" girl...

My door is open... Merry Christmas....I am probably taking a nap in the bedroom....

There is a whale outside

On this rather yucky rainy thunderstormy morning, this is the conversation in my house:

Max: Mommy... MOMMY!! Dere's a whale!
Me: A whale?
Max: Yes mommy, a whale!
Me: Where is there a whale?
Max: Outside ...(thunder)... see mommy, right dere...a whale!
Me: No baby that's not a whale... that's thunder.
Max: Thunder? ...oh... okay.... (walks away kinda deflated)

Why didn't I just let it be a whale... it was more fun that way!

What the hell am I doing?

I was going to go to bed early tonight....

It's almost 1:30....

Gee, I love the holidays.....

Didn't need a quiz to tell me this one....

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career Or simply take in all the city has to offer.

What City Do You Belong In?

Happy Birthday, Baby Ben!

My sweet baby Ben,

Here is your story:

Daddy and I decided in the Spring of 2004, that we wanted to leave ourselves open to the opportunity of a new baby brother or sister for Max. We knew that we wanted you guys to be at least 2 years apart. In April, I was having some similar feelings that I had with Max and I remember thinking it would be a great birthday present to find out I was pregnant. So I went to the store and took the test at work. The test didn’t show 2 lines so I quickly stuffed it back into the box and shoved it back into my purse… oh well… maybe next month…

The next night I was working late and I got a call from daddy:

Daddy: I found it….
Mommy: Found what?
Daddy: Hello….IT… I found it….
Mommy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Daddy: Oh my…. You have no idea…
Mommy: No idea about what? What are you talking about?
Daddy: You know the box you left on the counter? It has 2 lines….
Mommy: WHAT?!?!
Daddy: You heard me…
Mommy: When you are holding it, which direction are the lines going?
Daddy: I know how to read a pregnancy test!

I was through the roof with excitement! I knew immediately that you were a boy. Your name came from the middle names of daddy's daddy, Pops, (Benjamin) and my daddy, Grandpa (Thomas). I knew that you were going to be just as wonderful as your big brother and people would spend the rest of your lives asking if you were twins because you were so close in age. My pregnancy was uneventful until the end. My blood pressure was rising in the same way it did with Max, so my doctor put me on bed rest as a precaution.

You were born on Wednesday, December 08, 2004 at 1:05 pm. I heard you cry and I knew you were perfect. You were 8 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. We spent a lot of the first few days of your life snuggling together in my hospital bed and getting to know each other. You have been mommy’s snuggle boy ever since. Your favorite place to be is right in each others’ face.

Your red hair, blue eyes and million dollar smile have charmed everyone you have ever met. You have an incredibly sweet disposition and rarely get fussy. You are an observer by nature. You love watching things around you and your favorite thing to watch is your brother. It took you a while to start crawling because you felt there was just no need. Just when we were getting concerned, you flopped over and started following us from room to room…”Is this what you wanted me to do?” You are SO close to walking!! You stand there, start rocking on your toes then plop on your bottom and smile.

You love to dance, your favorite food is oranges, and your favorite toy is whatever toy your brother is currently playing with. You know your boundaries and love to tell everyone around you. You will crawl right up to the Christmas tree, almost touch the ornaments and start violently shaking your head and hands while repeating “nonononononononono” over and over again. When we smile and say, “Yes sir, no no touch”, you smile and wander on to the next exciting thing that has caught your eye.

We are so blessed to have you in our family. I thank God everyday for you and your brother. You have opened my life to so much love that sometimes I feel like I could burst with joy.

Happy 1st Birthday, my baby boy!

Love,
Mommy

It's up....

After 2 very long days, Christmas has exploded all over my house... inside and out....

... and with the way I am feeling right now....

I t ' s N e v e r C o m i n g D o w n ......

I will except my white trash title and sleep until next year when it will be fashionable again....

The Bells of Christmas

My favorite holiday decoration has always been the sleigh bells that my mother would hang on our front and back doors. The moment I heard them chime as they were pulled out of the box, you knew it was Christmas. It was such a beautiful sound, and I can remember getting excited every night hearing them chime as my mom and dad would get home from work.
This Christmas was no different. We helped my mother take her decorations down from the attic and brighten her home with the Christmas spirit. I was sitting at the table when I heard my beloved bells get pulled from their box. I smiled at my sister as I heard them shaking loud as one of the kids carried them into the house..."It's official... Christmas is here...." The kids helped decorate Grandma's tree with lots of excitement. My heart is bursting because they get it.... they understand the excitement of Christmas.
We had such a lovely weekend. We ended the weekend with family movie night. Mike and I had picked up Polar Express, a movie that combined all of our favorite things...Christmas for me and trains the boys. We had never seen it and were very excited to snuggle up after a long weekend. From the moment the train pulled into the front yard of the little boy's house, Max was hooked. I have never seen my son so involved in every detail of a movie before. He talked about the train, the little boy, how the little girl helped the little boy, the Christmas tree and Kanta Claus (we haven't quite mastered out "sss" sound yet). Ben was just as engaged. He loved the pictures and danced to the music. At one point they were so engaged in a song the children were singing, I started to weep. I looked over at my husband and he too, was just as moved. Just when I thought that the excitement couldn't grow anymore, Santa arrived. Max was almost out of his skin with excitement. And when I thought I couldn't take anymore, the little boy was chosen to get the first Christmas gift. And what did he ask for?.... a sleigh bell.
On this weekend of anniversaries, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am thankful for a wonderful husband, my beautiful boys, my amazing mother and sister, my adorable niece and nephews, and my extended family of friends. I wish you all the beauty and spirit of the upcoming holidays. I thank you for all the wonderful memories this year and look froward to making new ones over the next few weeks, months and years.

Sleigh Bells ring.... are you listening?!?!?

Five years and counting.....

I went to a psychic in Little Italy right before New Year's Eve, 1999. She told me that I was going to meet the man I was going to marry but we would not start dating right away.
New Year's Eve 1998-1999
I was working at the Olive Garden in Times Square, so some friends and I went to the party there. I was greeted at the door by this good looking tall security officer from Brooklyn. He opened the front door of the Olive Garden and said "I was told to let this pretty lady in". I smiled and blushed and turned my attention to my manager who was standing next to him and gave him a hug and went into the party.
Monday, February 8, 1999
I had the morning shift. I basically fell out of bed, threw make-up on my face and my hair in a head band. I was downstairs in the cafe and this very good looking tall security officer from Brooklyn comes in the front door walks past the hostess stand, and up the escalator to the main dinning area of the restaurant. I walk up to the hostess stand.
"Who was that?!?"
"Becky, you know him...he is in here every Monday"
"I have NEVER seen him before"
"YES you have... "
"NO, I would remember him" (of course I didn't remember him from New Years)
So I go on with my lunch rush. About a half hour later, I am standing at the computer putting an order in when I hear:
"Rebecca.... I would like you to meet someone....."
Oh my God... she didn't...I have about 5 seconds to flash my brightest smile and look up from the computer which I was now clutching on to.....
Later that week, he came back.... we exchanged very casual pleasantries and then I found an excuse to bolt into the kitchen....
Allison.... my very dear friend who I followed to New York shortly after she and her husband moved there, comes to the back.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"You know me ... I don't DO that kinda stuff well..."
"Well, get over it..."
"I can't ... is he still here?"
"NO!!!.. Do you like him?"
"Yes... I do... I really do...."
"Good ... cause I gave him your number and told him that you would be home around 5 o'clock today and you better ANSWER the DAMN PHONE!!!!"
We talked for hours that night and agreed to a date on Saturday, February 13th. Our first date was a walking tour of Lower Manhattan and dinner and drinks in Brooklyn.
A month later on a date celebrating his birthday, he took me to Coney Island. It was a beautiful, clear cold night and we walked along the beach. We held hands and I finally had the courage to tell him, "This would be a perfect opportunity for you to kiss me" and we shared out first kiss under a full moon.
The following Christmas, he asked me to be his wife.
November 25, 2000, we were married. It was a wonderful day that I will never forget. My favorite part of the ceremony was right before we exchanged rings:

Hands of the Bride and Groom

Rebecca, please face Michael and hold his hands, palms up, so that you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within you.

These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family

These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Michael, please hold Rebecca’s hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.

These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go

These are the hands that will massage tension from you neck and back in the evenings after you’ve both had a long hard day.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times

These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.

They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time she tells you that you are to have another child, that together you have created a new life.

These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

Happy Anniversary, my love....

Fall Fever

There is no coincidence that I plan everything in the Fall...

I moved to New York in the Fall and had about a month off to "explore" the city and find a job.

I got married in the Fall which required several long weekend trips followed by 2 weeks off.

I moved back to Houston in the Fall, again a long respite to get my southern roots planted again.

I had both of my children in the Fall which of course gave me several weeks off for maternity leave.

I have done absolutely nothing the past few days at work... I have major Fall Fever.

Happy Birthday, Max!

My dearest most precious Max,

My first born, my angel , you are still mommy’s baby boy even though you are turning 3 years old today. In so many ways you have been the most life changing experience I have ever known. Even before I was pregnant, I could not wait to meet you. I always knew you were going to come first. A little boy who would teach me more than I could ever imagine teaching you. You came early and I was not ready for you. I cried when the doctor called and told me to go to the hospital. I thought I was supposed to become this super mom before you ever arrived and I knew that my super mom license had not arrived yet. It was a long labor, but well worth it! I eventually had to have a c-section because you had no intention of leaving my warm safe belly. The first thing the doctor said was “It’s a boy… WOW look at that red hair!”


RED HAIR!!! We still have no idea where it came from. The crazy part is that I had a dream a week or so before you were born. It was about a little red haired boy and I thought I was dreaming about your Aunt Al’s baby, because the idea of having a red headed child was just never a thought in my head. Everywhere we go people stop and tell you what a handsome boy you are. You are even more striking when you are in the company of your brother. The two of you turn heads and bring smiles everywhere you go.

Three years old! My heart is already bursting with love and memories. I just don’t know how it can grow any larger…. But at the same time I cannot wait for more! You are so different from me and yet sometimes it is like I am looking in a mirror. You are an exact carbon of your daddy. I tell people all the time that other than carrying you for 9 months, I had very little to do with your genetic make-up. That is of course until your perform your infamous, incredibly dramatic temper tantrums. You first try to reason with me and explain why what you want is really the best idea. When I disagree, you then become firm, and demand that it be done your way or the highway. When you realize I am not only your superior officer, but one tough cookie, you melt into a blob of goo on the floor, begging and pleading with me as we gently walk over to the naughty wall to reflect on the past few minutes and why we didn’t get our way. It is a performance that only your mother could love, mostly because it is exactly how she has performed on many occasions.

You are going to be an engineer… I just know it. You don’t really play with toys. You spend most of your time figuring out how it works and why we should play with it in the first place. You insist on doing everything yourself, which I must admit, you actually do very well 90% of the time. When you can’t get something to work, it must be broken.

You worship your brother and he worships you. We are so blessed that from the 1st time you met Ben, you genuinely thought mommy and daddy made him for your entertainment. You are so protective of him. You don’t like it when he cries and try to move Heaven and Earth to get him to stop. On many occasions you have climbed into his crib just to get closer to him.

And all of a sudden you have become quite the snuggle bunny with me, and I am LOVING IT!!! Even when you were born, you already had a strong neck and looked around at everything. You used to try to climb up and out of my arms so you could see what was going on, Mr. Independent. But lately you have become very attached to me. Lots of love, lots of kisses, lots of snuggling on the couch watching Rolie Polie Olie. You give me kisses for my pocket and we exchange kisses for under our pillows. When I do not get home until late, you beg for daddy to let you sleep on my side of the bed until I get home. Then I lift you up, hold you tight and whisper my parting ritual, “I love you, I’ll see you in the morning, I miss you already”.

I love you, baby boy… more than you will ever know……Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Pre-birthday slumber party

Kameron ( my nephew) is over for a pre-birthday slumber party. So far we have had Burger King with Star Wars kid toys, bath itme in the dark with light sabers (glow sticks), we have watched Stars Wars (the original or episode IV, however you care to acknowledge it)and participated in fight scenes with our light sabers (again, glow sticks). Max has already informed me that tommorrow's birthday party cake should be a Star Wars cake (too bad, we picked Incredibles when we ordered it 3 days ago) and it is now 10:50 and we are starting Star Wars 2, or Episode V....
We have had lollipop rings, popcorn, cheetos, soda and mandarin oranges...
... let's see how far we get into this movie.....


update per village idiot
first one (max) went out at the beginning of the battle for hoth
second (kameron)was out by the end of the battle
guess we'll have to wait for their recreation of the luke vs vader light saber duel

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop. But when you think of something, watch out! Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion. You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Walgreen's

So apparently in "Perfect" you have to get a credit check and prove you have never been in rehab before you can get cold medicine for your 11 month old.

Since when did "over-the-counter" medicines go back over the counter to the Pharmacy?

Last night I stopped for some pediacare, I went to the normal section where I find children's medications, but this time I find a little card; "Please see pharmacy to obtain this item".

So I take the card and stand in line behind the other 5 people who are standing in line with cards and puzzled & pissy looks on their faces. It is finally my turn and I preset my card and she asks for my ID. Excuse me? I know I am not ancient but I surely do not look like some spring chick-a-dee either. She takes my ID and pulls out this huge binder and flips through to some secret section follows down the many names over several pages while looking at my ID. She does not find my name so she gets to the end and starts to write my information down and the information concerning the medicine I am picking up. She then turns the binder around and slams the pen down and says, "Sign here". So I start looking up to the top and she gets pissy with me and says, "I said SIGN HERE" I informed her that I am not going to sign anything without reading what the hell I am signing, and by the way you could show a little customer service and explain whay I must go through a 5 minute process to get childrens' cold medicine! "Oh, we have been doing this for months now" "No, you haven't.. I live 4 blocks from here and I am in here all the time"

So turns out, you now have to be 18 and over to by cold medicine. You can only purchase a small amount and only over a certain time period.

I realize that we need to crack down on the meth houses and creative teen addicts, but perhaps we need to come up with something more effective than writing down driver's license numbers and pissing off the rest of us who don't abuse the system. I am sorry, here is a little of my "Right" side coming out. I feel for all those with addictions and life struggles, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time when I know that addicts will get their fix anyway they can... this little speed bump just makes them have to think a little harder or stop at a few more stores. And last time I checked, no one was writing down ID for cigarettes or alchohol.

I do love a whip....

You scored as Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist/adventurer with an unquenchable love for danger and excitement. He travels the globe in search of historical relics. He loves travel, excitement, and a good archaeological discovery. He hates Nazis and snakes, perhaps to the same degree. He always brings along his trusty whip and fedora. He's tough, cool, and dedicated. He relies on both brains and brawn to get him out of trouble and into it. Indiana Jones 79% Maximus 75% James Bond, Agent 007 71% William Wallace 71% Batman, the Dark Knight 67% Lara Croft 67% Neo, the "One" 67% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% The Terminator 46% El Zorro 46% The Amazing Spider-Man 38% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Is it sad?

Is it sad that I have the most recent published posts of my favorite blogs memorized so that I can quickly whip through my list and know who has updated and who has not?

Is it even more sad that I get a little adrenaline pump in the bottom of my stomach when I realize that that they have updated with a new post?

Is it even more of a problem that I get pissed at Blog Rolling when it tells me there is something "NEW" at a particular site and there is nothing new?

.... issues .....

ROCK ON !!!!!!

What does your future hold? You will have an apartment entirely furnished with Ikea Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Here is the sad thing: If I could have my choice of any shopping spree type store, I would choose IKEA... I just like to wander through IKEA and come up with decorating ideas for rooms that do not exist with money that I do not have!
mmmmmm....I...K...E...A..... I love that little Swed.

I love my boys...

I mean, I freakin' love my boys....
I just keep looking at pics of them and I just grin from ear to ear.
I know I am having a private mother peacock moment here, but I just love them. They are hours of entertainment for me.
And I love that I am "in the moment" with them. I cannot possibly imagine that it could get any better than they way it is "right now" and then the next stage comes and I think, "No, this is the best time!"
I freakin' LOVE my boys!!!