Where were you?

9-11 is to my generation what Kennedy's assasination was to my parent's generation. The "Where were you?" moment you are always interested in hearing from others. Here is mine:

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I was living in New York. My husband and I had an apartment in Queens with a beautiful view of Manhattan. The morning of 09-11-2001 began as it usually did, My husband got up way before me and left for work and I got ready and headed to the street for my morning commute. I was standing at the bus stop, reading my book. Had I looked up, I would have seen the 1st plane hit the tower. I continued my commute from bus to subway. As I walked into my building at 35th and 7th, the security guard hollered after me as I entered the elevator:
"Did you hear?"
"No?"
"A plane clipped the World Trade center"
"Holy Shit!"
"Yeah, wierd, huh?"
"Yeah"
...and the elevator doors closed....
As I rode up to the 14th floor, I remember thinking a prop plane must have clipped the antenna on the top of the tower. Sucks to be that guy... he is going to be in a lot of shit for that one....
The doors opened again and I see our receptionist scrambling to answer phones, in between each ring and "Please hold" she yells at me... "You better call your family!"
Oh my God, something happened... one of my grandparents died... someone was in a car accident... my mind raced as I flew to my department which was still dark. No one had made it in yet and the message light on my phone was blinking red and the phones were ringing at every extension. I pick up my phone.
"This is Rebecca..."
"Are you okay... is Mike okay?!?!" my mother asked in a panicked voice.
"Yes, I am fine, what's going on? Are you guys okay?"
"Becky...didn't you hear?!?! Two planes hit the World Trade Center!"
"What?!?!"
At this point people have heard my voice in the office and are coming in screaming, "... there are more planes... they think one might hit the Empire State building!" (Which was 2 blocks away)
"Mom, I gotta go... I'm okay...I gotta get a hold of Mike... I will call you back."
I try calling Mike's cell but get a rapid busy signal which means there are no lines available.
"Isn't there a TV in here??"
"Uhm, yeah... over here..but it has shitty reception, we gotta move it to the window"
"They have shut down Manhattan... nothing in or out"
"I got it...I got it...."
Our entire office crowds around a small black and white screen for more information,
for what seems like forever, listening to commentary saying nothing but to stay put.
We all try to call out but nobody can get a line....
Damnit Damnit Damnit.... I gotta get a hold of Mike....
"Oh my God... they are jumping!"
Then suddenly... rumble, rumble, rumble.... the Tower 2 collapses.... inaudible gasps followed by shrieks and sobs....
My mind kept racing....
"There were people in those stairs... THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THOSE STAIRS TRYING TO GET OUT!!!"
Panic... pure panic as the streets fill with smoke and debris.... and it hits me... OH MY GOD... MIKE PICKS UP HIS TRUCK FROM DOWN THERE!!! He is trapped... he is trapped under all that debris.
I continuously speed dial and redial between my husbands cell and his work, praying for an available line.... I get through to his dispatch. They tell me they haven't gotten a hold of anyone because all the lines are busy, but he can assure me that Mike already got his truck and was uptown before the tower collapsed.
"Do you swear to me?!?!"
"Yes, ma'm... I assure you he is fine"
Rumble, rumble, rumble... tower one ... gone.... tumbling like blocks and sand.
I gotta get a hold of my family... dial/redial... mom cell...Karen cell...mom cell....Karen cell....
"Hello?"
"Hey it's me"
"Are you okay... are you okay?"
"I'm okay..."
We exchange "I was so scared" and "I was so worried" about a thousand times. Someone in my office realizes that I have gotten a line out.
"Can you have your sister call my parents and let them know I am okay?"
So my sister then uses her home phone to call my co-workers' familes and let them know we are okay.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know... there is no way in or out of Manhattan. The subways/tunnels/bridges are closed. I guess we stay here until we are told we can leave."
"You can't get on the subway...what if they bomb it"
"I don't know... I don't know...."

Around 4 o'clock we hear they are letting people get out of Manhattan. I gather my things and head down the elevator. I took the eerie walk to the subway. There were no cars... not one. The streets were empty except for people, dust and debris. I got on the subway and exchanged "can you believe it" looks with total strangers on the train. As the 7 train came up from the river to its elevated above ground tracks in Queens, an entire train car of people crowd the windows facing West to view the empty hole with rising dust and smoke where the Twin Towers used to stand. The only words spoken were, "Oh my God...."

That night the only sound you could hear were the jet planes racing over head continuously. I remember asking Mike if it would be okay if we slept with the TV on that night. I needed to hear the TV in case an emergency broadcast signal came on for real.

The next day I became dizzy reading the scroll on the bottom of my TV. I was glued to every image played and re-played, every new theory, every new expert. I called our best friends, Todd and Allison.
"I can't watch anymore"
"Neither can I....let's go get a drink..."
We met them for dinner to escape the constant news on the TV, and walked into a resturaunt with TV's in every corner. As much as we wanted to escape it, it was comforting to have them on in case anything new came on.
Todd saw both planes hit.. he was a stock broker with a perfect view of the World Trade center from his window. When the second plane hit, he flew down his building and caught the last train out of Manhattan before the city was closed. He watched the towers fall from the platform of the Queensboro Bridge stop.

There was a great urgency to do something... to just head downtown and start pulling debris and helping with the search. It was very clear from the TV that unless you were a professional, you would be turned away. Late that night in the bar, the front doors opened up as two very dusty and very worn firefighters walk into the bar. There was a mad rush in the resturaunt to thank those two beaten men and fights to pay for anything they wanted. They humbly bowed their heads, shook off any praise and retreated to a corner for some space to clear their heads.

Thursday morning, we were told not to let the terrorist win... head back to work with our heads held high. I walk into my office, put my things down, and head to the bathroom.
WHOOP - WHOOP- WHOOP - WHOOP
The alarms go off.... I come out of the bathroom and look around at all my colleagues standing in the hallways looking at one another for someone to decide what to do. At this point the emergency exit opens from the outside as a security guard calmly but sternly asks us to leave the building.
"There has been a bomb threat at Penn Station" (which is across the street)
Panic...PANIC.... we head to the emergency exit stairs to crowd into the hundreds of people flowing down from floors above us.
Floor 14
Floor 13
Floor 12
(Oh my God this was what it was like for all those people)
Floor 11
(I realize a friend is having a panic attack and stumbling down the stairs in her heels)
"Take your shoes off"
"I can't"
"Hold on to me... we are going to get down the stairs... HOLD ON TO ME"
Floor 10
Floor 9
(We are not moving fast enough... dear God....dear God... please please)
Floor 8
Floor 7
Floor 6
(Will we know it when the bomb goes off? Will we feel it?)
Floor 5
Floor 4
Floor 3
Floor 2
Floor 1....
"Ladies... please head North towards Times Square... everyone...PLEASE HEAD NORTH!"

We follow their instructions and head North. As we are quickly moving in mass uptown, we are hit with a crowd of people heading downtown. After pushing and struggling to get further uptown, I stop and ask someone where they are coming from.
"There is a bomb threat at Times Square!"
"There was a bomb threat at Penn Station!"
I turn to a cabbie sitting in his car parked on the side and ask him what is going on and he informs us there are bomb threats everywhere... Penn Station, Times Square, Grand Central, you name it.

I find a large group of my co-workers and explain what I have been just told. My boss turns to us and says, "Ladies... that's it... go home and don't return until all this settles down... nothing is that important and I won't jeopardize your lives until we know more." We all hugged and smiled and got teary eyed because we were all scared to death to get on the trains and head home. We couldn't get back into our office for safety and we surely weren't safe on the streets. I prayed every step down the stairs to the subway and every breath until I was safely off the train in Queens.

The events of those days will never leave me, but they cannot compare to the pain and anguish suffered by those directly affected by this tradgedy. I hate the fact that those events caused a predjudice in me causing me to stare at every Middle Eastern man who got on the subway with a long coat or back pack. I asked for forgiveness the moment the thought would cross my mind, but could never fully let my stare go....

Weekend Warriors

No...no..no... I haven't fallen of the face of the Earth! I have gotten a couple of emails/comments about my absence here in the blog world and there are many factors which I would love to get into but let's just chalk it up to busy social calendar, work more obnoxious than normal, stomache flu that laid me on my ass and the most important time consumer of all......

Max and Ben's new Big Boys Room!!!

Yes.... we did it! We have been planning for months to change the boys' nursery into a room fit for two big boys. I have slowly acquired everything and Mike and I made serious plans on how to make the most of my sometimes over the top designs. It is bascially an homage to our favorite Disney movies - well PIXAR movies. It is a combination of Buzz for Max, Nemo for Ben and Cars for their play area. It was four very long days (especially since I was still recovering from the stomach flu) but it turned out better than I expected. We have painted, built, painted, sewn, (did I mention paint) and the results are below....Before and After ... And yes... I made those curtains myself (with my mother's help) and I am damn proud of myself!!!!


BEFORE - Nursery Theme


BEFORE - View from Door


AFTER - View from door


BEFORE - Bed Corner


AFTER - Bed Corner


Max's Suite


Ben's Suite

Uhm....helloooooo

So I was on a website today and I came across this:



If I were visually impaired how would I see this?

It was only a matter of time

This morning we took a major step in the direction of brotherhood bonding and ingenuity and parenthood nightmares.

The boys have had this box with wheels that came with a bunch of mega blocks. It is very small and light (picture a small foot rest/ottoman type thing) I hear the wheels zooming across the floors for awhile and paid no mind... until... the crash into the TV followed not by screams, but uproarious laughter... then zooming again. I come around the corner to see Max straddling the box and Ben pushing full throttle behind. "Look mommy, it's a horsey!" they both proudly presented to me!

I knew it was only a matter of time, and that time has come....I must now imagine all incarnations of every item in our home, and here is the key point, before THEY DO!

In a New York state of mind....

I am aching for the Big Apple lately..... I can't put my arms around it other than Fall is approaching and there is no better place in the Fall than NYC. Today at work, all the music que'd on my yahoo music reminds me of a cozy pub, a glass of red wine, and long coversation wearing a great turtle neck sweater, sleek boot leg black pants, and a great high heel boot. Then the next song will be from a musical from the Great White Way!
I miss New York very much. I loved the city, I loved the life. I didn't like the cost and being so far from family. And I knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids in the City and I knew I would never be able to afford to live out of the City and commute.
I know my love affair with that city is not over. My husband is a born and bred.. Brooklyn through and through. It may not be until we retire or when God blesses us with a winning lottery ticket, but I feel that I will live in that city again someday.

Be Honest!

How many of you knew that the tune for "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and the "ABC" song where the same?

I am nearly floored at the amount of people who never put the 2 tunes together.....

No time (or desire) for flowery wordiness....

- Ben - fever, no idea why, no symptoms other than fever, took 5 hour nap and fever went away. Keeping fingers crossed.

- Nothing cuter than a 20 month old trying to get a wad of double stick tape off of their fingers, but having no idea why it "won't let go"

- Is it adorable or terrifying that the 3 1/2 yr old knows how to use the pause/play buttons on the DVR remote?

- Is it okay to laugh out loud when said 3 1/2 yr old pauses Jimmy Neutron, heads to the bathroom, turns around and finds favorite book, places it under arm and heads back to bathroom announcing, "Mommy I gotta go poop, I'll let you know in a minute...." referring to the "I'm done come wipe me" yell.

- Is it wrong that even though I have been home all day, I have no desire whatsoever to cook dinner?

Here's to not playing the game......

I was pissed.... I was in a pissy mood, I had spent all day doing 2 jobs because my assistant did not come in to work, I had a lot more to do and I needed to make arrangements to make sure Mike would pick up the kids.

Call his cell... straight to voice mail....

Okay, so we have 2 otpions here... his cell battery is dead or he is out of range. I am praying for the latter since that one gave me even a hope of being able to speak to him. I know that his company is basically shutting down after 2 PM and BBQ-ing to celebrate a good week last week. It is now 4:oo.

Call his cell... straight to voice mail....

Damn it!

Maybe I can luck out and he went home because it was hot and he is actually at home watching TV....no luck.

I am hoping upon hope that he is taking into consideration that I am always the one who has to chauffer the kids around and his early day is a great opportunity to pick up the kids. I know he will go back to the house first so I call and call and call and call....

In between calls I am trying to speed through the last things of my day, shortcut some other issues, and cram an hour's worth of work into 10 minutes. I know I am defeated now, and I am going to have to risk a ticket for 90 miles an hour in order to get to the kids on time.

This is were it goes bad.... all this erratic behavior, work cramming and straight to voice mail calls has turned my PMS into overdrive.....

Why am I always the one to get the kids to school?
Why am I always the one to pick the kids up from school?
Why am I always the one to decide, cook, and clean dinner?
Why am I always the one to why always the one to get the kids up and dressed and breakfast made?
Why am I always the one to clean up breakfast?
Why am I always the one to clean the whole house?
Why am I always the one to think of what we need at the grocery?
Why am I always the one to go to the grocery?
Why am I always the one to do the laundry - gather, sort, wash, dry, fold, and put away?

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ASSUMED THAT I DO EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!??!?

So rather than turn right out of daycare to go home I turned left. I took them to dinner with a playground and sat there while my phone rang and rang and rang and rang... for an hour.....

I came home, Mike meets us outside. The boys run up to him, I walk to the other side of the car and into the house with no words.

He knows exactly what is wrong... he knows exactly why I am pissed....and guess what....

He doesn't play my game.....
He refuses to play my tantrum game.....
We get the kids ready and into bed....
I walked into the bedroom and read... he walked into the living room and laughed out loud at something he was watching on TV....

As pissed as I was... I was kinda proud of him.....

This morning's rituals were just the same.... he called later in the morning and asked how everybody was this morning..... fine..... and how are YOU this morning... I smiled at the comment but was cold on the line...

I don't appreciate that comment.
Okay.
From now on, it is NEVER okay to assume that I will take care of everything.
Okay.... but if you want my help in the mornings that means you guys have to get up ealier...
(Ouch)Okay... that's a deal
Okay.
Love you - bye.
Love you - bye.

Cheers to that sorry son-of-a-hoo-haw for not playing my game....

I feel like Chicken Little

I am pretty sure that we are witnessing the beginning of World War III.

Here is my question. Back when World War I and II were starting... did they know? Is it something that just slowly creeps up on us or is it a major incident that rocks the world and the next thing you know we are running for cover and praying for our lives?

And why do we have to continue to buy safety? Someone says they have a bomb.... it could reach us and cause major physical/economic harm..... here is some money, do you promise not to bomb us? 10 years later..... we have a bomb.... now we want this.....

I can't watch TV or read the articles anymore, but I can't stop.....

What the??!!?!?

These are the 4 headlines on My Yahoo....

Barbaro (the Kentucky Derby horse) doing much better....

Hezbollah: "We are ready for open war"....

Mr. T has post Katrina makeover....

DC crime emergency prompts extra patrol....

A horse with an infection, a Middle East War, and 80's fallen star's clothing choices, and a spike in crime in our nation's capital.

These are the 4 most important things going on in the world right now 4:15 PM, Friday, July 14, 2006.....

Seriously people......

Take me out.....

Never under-estimate the power of letting off a little steam......

We were blessed enough to get free tickets to see the Astros play. We had never been to the ballpark, never taken the kids to an event like this, the roof was closed, and Clements was pitching.... good times all around!



We got there an hour early... we never get ANYWHERE an hour early! It gave us plenty of time to figure our way around the park, find our seats, and get situated before all the crowds showed up.



We were up there... as the pictures show, but I don't think there is a bad seat in the house. It was perfect view of the field and perfect view of the big screen.



Max was a little uneasy at first - partly the crowds, partly the height, but he turned out to be okay once we sat down. Ben just thought the entire crowd was there to look at him and he flirted with anyone who made eye contact.



So the game was a slow starter... Max loved watching the screen and hearing the announcer....Now batting yadda yadda....Picture up on the big screen.... crowd roar and claps....

Mommy... did that man (the announcer) say my name?!?!
No baby I don't think so

Max and Ben weren't sure what to do with mommy as she kept hoot'in and holler'in and mommy doesn't normally break out into spontaneous applause.

Max mentioned something about hitting the ball and knocking down the big buildings just outside the ballpark. Mommy... I gotta go pee pee... mommy I want a hot dog...... mommy I want a soda.... mommy did that man say my name?!?

The game was getting pretty good.... by the bottom of the 8th we had done a lot of good yelling for coming back from behind to a 2 run lead that included a great home run! Everyone is happy....

Now batting yadda yadda....

I quickly start to play with Max and say, listen baby... I think he said your name they are all clapping for you!!! We all cheer and smile and watch the next batter up to plate. By this time it was getting late in the game, and I wanted to leave before the crowds. Max was very eager and down-down-down the series of steps we go.

We are at the exit and I start to feel a drag behind me....I look down and Max is crying.... no.... SOBBING! We get out the doors and walk to the side.

Are you okay? Are you hurt? What's wrong?!?!
Through heart breaking tears he says, I didn't get my turn....
What angel?
I didn't get to hit the ball.....

W-H-O-O-S-S-S-H-H-H-H!!!! The entire game runs through my mind and I realize what has just happened. Max truly thought that all the pictures of the crowd were the people "the man" was announcing out loud and it was THEIR turn to go and hit the ball!!! He kept watching the TV and listening to "the man" to hear his name. And I added to his fantasy by saying that "the man" had said his name and shortly afterward getting up and heading downstairs!

I told him that mommy was so sorry, but only the big boys got to hit the ball on the field. I gathered my utterly devastated child and carried him back to our car!

I'm it.....

I have been tagged by one of my new favorite mommy bloggers Lindsay at My splatter painted life so......

5 things.....

5 things in my fridge:
1. Rockin' watermelon
2. Diet Coke
3. Several different versions of mayo, mustard, sandwich meats and cheeses for my sandwich king husband
4. Red Kool-aid.... a total idiot.. I know!
5. Slow churned Dreyers Ice cream..... again awesome... I know they are lying about the calories and fat content.....

5 things in my closet:
1. Shoes... pretty much every where
2. A box of my favorite handbags which I never use but refuse to give away/sell
3. A shoe hanger with no sheos in it
4. A lot of my father's clothes I just couldn't let go of
5. A dresser with all of Mike's clothes

5 things in my purse:
1. Funeral card from my father's funeral
2. 4 or 5 different versions of headache and cold remedies
3. A NYC transit token..... haven't needed one in 5 years, but again, can't give it up
4. Receipts, receipts, and more receipts
5. An ostomy bag clamp..probably for a patient so long ago I can't remember

5 things in my car:
1. Empty Diet Coke can
2. Glitter from Max's mother's day gift from school that is embedded into my carpet
3. A box of over night bags that my mom didn't want but I didn't have time to go through so I took them all
4. A highly sophisticated CD organizer - a zip lock bag with about 20 cds in it.
5. Various match box toys, play cell phones, and cherished meal toys from kiddie meals

5 people I tag:
Any five of you who wander past here and care to share.....

Please

So I had a dream last night… it was such a pleasant dream that I actually remember thinking, you are gonna have to wake up soon because you know this is a dream and I told myself in the dream…. Please no…. this is too wonderful, just give me a few more minutes……

I was looking at a house. I was not in the market to move, but for some reason my mother and I were looking at this house that was for sale. I didn’t find it odd because I knew that this is something that my mother and I love to do… just look. I then had this strange feeling I had been there before. And I realized that I had been here… twice before in my life. Once in college when my roommates and I were looking for a new place to live and once when I had returned from New York. Both times we were not able to get the house or it just wasn’t the right time, but it was always the “dreamhouse”.

It was an older house, but it had been updated one room at a time, but not all the rooms were renovated. I kept going down the hallway and looking into the rooms and each room was perfect… yeah it needed paint, maybe some new tile here or there, but it was great…endless opportunity. I remember thinking… “I don’t remember this room the last time we looked at this house… why didn’t I look at the whole house then?” I would turn corners and discover new rooms and areas and just squeal with excitement of how perfect it was… it was exactly what I always wanted! I couldn’t believe how great this place was. The next thing I knew there were lots of people there, some I knew, some I didn’t and they kept pointing out the bad things or ugly things and I just shrugged them off with… “That’s fixable… that’s workable….maybe not right away, but we can make it awesome by just doing …yadda yaddda yadda……”

“Oh how I wish we could afford this house……”
“Becky, It’s only $150,000….”
“What?!?! That’s impossible…..there is just no way….. we could almost do that… it would be hard…. But we could do it….”
I ran outside to call Micheal on my cell phone to tell him what we had found… and that I needed him to come as soon as possible so we could discuss it.
The urgency was overwhelming.
As I am talking to Mike, I look around the backyard, which is small but just over the fence was a park with a walkway directly to this beautiful and charming elementary school….
“Honey, please hurry… you are not going to believe this… we could watch the boys from our backyard as they walked into their school… honey…. We have to talk about this now…. We could MISS IT!!”

I walk inside and see other people looking at the house now. Some one states that they probably put the house on the market too low so that they can start a bidding war. I start to see the kite strings floating away into the clouds out of my reach.

The owners walk in to “get something” and start to walk out again. I realize that it is what I picture myself and Mike to be in our retirement years…..

I feel myself waking from the dream as I am desperately pleading with them to give us this house….. we were not in a position to bid on this dream, but we were the most passionate for it….. please… please….. no one else will love this dream as much as I will…. No one else will fulfill it to its greatest potential than me….. please……

…please…..

Issues......

Written Monday, 07-03-06 @ 2:56 PM

It has been 10 business hours since our phone lines and internet services have gone down. At 1 o’clock on Friday, out of no where, all the lines and connections went dead. Here is how it went down:

Silence……I notice my music (from the internet) has stopped and I have a prompt that says there is a problem connecting to the internet.
I then look up to see 3 people come to my office door simultaneously:

“ I can’t get a phone line out, I think my phone is broken….”
“The fax machine doesn’t seem to be working, can you come help me?”
“ I can’t dial up to Medicare….”

It is amazing to me how quickly the world around you can freeze up and seize operations completely. What amazes me further, is the total lack of independent thought and initiative that exists here in this office. I am the Director of Patient Care Services… basically the engine of the company…. I start it, authorize it and make sure it gets done. If it is not working, I make it work or hire the people to make it work. I explain to the owners the problem and how it is going to be solved. I then write a policy and educate the entire staff on what the problem was, how “we” are going to fix it and the procedures they must now follow, backed up with regulatory requirements to shut up all groaning and moaning that will inevitably follow the announcement of the new policy and procedure.

I call the phone company and surf through the very creative prompts asking me questions so that it can direct my phone call through proper channels… the irony of this whole situation is that I have to call the phone company to explain I have no phones…. The true reason God gave us cell phone technology.

“I will start a trouble ticket for you, ma’m”
“What does that mean?”
“Someone will call you to discuss your needs further”
“How are they going to call me… I have no phones!”
“Is there an alternate phone number you can be reached?”
“That probably should be put on that trouble ticket, hmn?”
“Yes, ma’m….”
“Listen…. This is a home care agency… we rely solely on this phone for our patients to access medical attention, we must be placed in an urgent status”
“Yes, ma’m….”
“Is there any way you can capture the line and forward it to our answering service”
“Yes, ma’m”
(Can YOU perhaps offer anything to help me through this so that it is as painless as possible?!?!?!?!)

I get a call back
“We are not getting a line response”
(REALLY?!?! You mean I didn’t accurately explain the situation earlier on the trouble ticket when I stated the lines were DEAD)
“We are going to have to call SBC to have them come check the lines”
(I thought they were called ATT now, but I am too pissy to get into a “RIGHT FIGHT”)
“And how long will that take?”
“I am not sure, ma’m…. I have to send them a trouble ticket with an onsite request”
(shoot me… just shoot me….)
“What are your business hours next week?”
“It can’t be next week, it must be today.”
“What time do you close?”
“If you can make them come, I will make sure someone is here”
“Will you be there Saturday?”
“I would prefer today, but again… someone will be here whenever they need to be here to get this problem solved.”

DING DONG
“SBC is here”
(Again…. ATT thought swims through my head…. DROP IT!)
“ The problem is outside… do you have keys to the pad lock?”
(MOTHER F&^%$^ SORRY SACKS OF S&^T!)
“No, let me make a phone call…..”

“They need to make an appointment to meet us there….”
“No, they are here now… the problem is now….. they just figured out the problem now and the problem is behind the pad locked area.”
“It’ll take me 20 minutes or so to get there.”
“I will tell them you will be here is 20 minutes”
”Well… it depends on traffic”
“Okay…. I will tell them you will be here in 20 minutes depending on traffic”
“Well… if they can wait”
“They will”

Needless to say they didn’t get it solved and it is not solved yet…..Monday afternoon. We have played a constant game of it’s their problem… no it’s THEIR problem between phone companies and I now have a cell phone bill through the roof as all phone calls normally made through 5 lines to an office full of people, are all channeling through my cell phone.

Internally I have a staff of people who have no idea what they should be doing since they can’t access the phones or the internet….. I cannot believe that I am actually reminding them of things they can be doing without phones or the internet…….


IT IS NOW 10 AM WEDNESDAY MORNING AND THEY HAVE FINALLY FIXED THE PROBLEM……….

DISNEY PICS!!

I have no idea how to use flickr yet, so I just threw them on the site in no particular order.... it is best to watch them as a slide slow since I can't figure out why some are coming out all wonky.....

SO here is our 8 day trip in fast forward bullets:

- Stuck on the plane for 3 hours before taking off.... 5 children ages 6 and under!!

- Animal Kingdom - We discover Kameron's irrational fear of oversized stuffed characters waving hello.... It's tough to be a bug...Kameron and Max literally shaking and crying in fear of their lives with huge bugs in 3-D....Lion King, huge hit!

- Magic Kingdom - we all start crying the moment they discover the "castle" and start jumping up and down to show us, we lose Kaitlyn at Dumbo, Max expoldes when he meets Buzz Lightyear, huge downpour of rain (we get stuck in Mickey's house), Stay late for electric light parade, ride monorail for the first time..again, Max explodes!

- EPCOT - Living Seas huge hit! Dinosaurs and Ellen a little freaky for the kids, Mexico, Norway, laser light and fireworks - Ben sits in my lap but then quickly jumps up to smash his cheek into mine everytime the fireworks were too loud!

- Free day swimming and shopping - Max terrified of the water, Ben fearless... jumps in even if you are not looking to catch him (let me tell you this was fun). Left Ben at a resturaunt ... we walked out did the 1-2-3-4-5 head count and came up short one red head, turn around to see him standing and smiling in the waiting area of the resturaunt. Shopping frenzy in the 1 1/2 hrs we have left before the stores close.

- MGM Studios - Star Wars Mega hit!! Met Woody, Jesse and army men from Toy Story, again Max explodes! Playhouse Disney, Little Mermaid & Beauty and the Beast shows were all wonderful. Animations tour great...Indiana Jones...kids covered their ears the whole time. Mike and I got our one and only alone time waiting in line for Aerosmith's Rockin Roller Coaster, our favorite ride from our honeymoon!

- Magic Kingdom and EPCOT again - tried to catch what we missed the first days. More shopping... Took Max on Test Track were you ride in a car that goes though a test track including speeding outside... you guessed it...Max exploded once again!

- Time to go home - Mike somehow changes the time on the clock in our room so he thinks we are getting up at 10:00 which is the time we should be leaving... I jump out of bed and do the dance of the Bumble Bee before I call my mother to tell her we are running late and she tells me it is only 7:30... I hit my husband and crawl back into bed. Get to the airport, get on the plane, it starts raining.... Dear God... please... I cannot sit on the tarmack for another 3 hours..... 45 minutes later we are in the air.... Get home... have dinner... all of us snuggle in bed and are asleep by 8:30....none of us wake up until 12 hours later......

Tons of cute "in between" stories, but I have no energy to remember them yet......

....we're back...

...oh...dear.....God.....we're back......

....details to come.....

...after I get approximatly 24 hours of sleep......

..."Happiest celebration on Earth".....uh, huh....yeah......

1 day

I went to sleep at 12:30 last night.....
I was up at 6:00.....
Forced myself to stay in bed and snuggle with husband......
It is now 7 am and I am in full on "Mission Vacation" Mode.....

24 hours until we leave for the airport......

2 days

Last working day!

Things still left to do:
Laundry
Clean house
Water plants
Bank
Last minute shopping at Walmart
Pack
Pack
Pack
Unpack because everything doesn't fit right in the suitcase
Pack again

Lay in bed with my husband re-creating the Walt Disney World commercial:

Me: You asleep, yet?
Him: No... too excited....

3 days

I am not sure how I am expected to work.....

... oh wait... I am not working.......

Well, I'm AT work, just not accomplishing much!

3 days.....3 D-A-Y-S!!!!!

4 days....

4 days, people!!!

4 days until we get on a plane for Disney World.

I have successfully obtained 12-14 new outfits for each of us for an 8 day trip....

The excitement is growing exponentially!

I asked Max when he woke up this morning if he slept well. Rubbing his eyes he nodded yes. I asked him if he had any dreams: "Yes, I dreamt about Disney World..."

I am not sure what he is dreaming about.. I think he is thinking that we are going to the cartoon places we see on the Disney channel... and thanks to the brilliant Imagineers at Disney World he is not too far off!

2 Years

2 years ago you passed away.

I miss you as much today as I did the moment you left.

I thought the "hole" would fill in quicker than this.

I really don't want it to.

Silver linings in gray clouds

I believe you attract what you need, not necessarily what you want. I am blessed to be able to count the 5 most important women in my life on the one hand that I hold each of them so precious, like beautiful sea shells I have found on the beach. These 5 women have played such a remarkable role in my journey of life, sometimes holding a mirror up to my face, sometimes carrying me when the burden has been to great, sometimes holding up the margarita glass and reminding me to stop and smell the limes.

A very dark situation occurred this weekend. It was your typical “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment. The information that came out in this situation was not new, but the delivery of the information and the reaction was very new. As I have said in this blog over the past few months, there is something different in my thinking, a significant shift in how I am choosing to live my life, the choices I make, and the level of tolerance and acceptance that I am willing to deal with when it comes to my life. So rather than let this dark situation just “blow over” only to head out to sea to gain strength and create a storm which will reappear with the same destructive thunder, lightening and hail, I chose to stand up and say… I am not playing this game anymore…. I am choosing to pick up my toys and head in the house so that I don’t keep getting wet, cold, and miserable every time the same storm comes ashore.

An interesting under-current to this situation is related to my right hand ladies….. Of the 5 women, the situation is directly related to one of them, and by 11:00 pm yesterday, I had spoken to the other four. Here are the shoulders that I leaned on while I am trying to get clarity in this situation:

One of these women has a very big stake in the outcome. Her happiness is directly related to our happiness, always has and always will. She has been the peacekeeper, the moderator, the keeping a cool head police all my life. This is the person I most want to please in the situation. She is the person whom it is hardest to speak to right now because for her - I do just want to let it all blow over because I know that it will make her happy. Her grace for forgiveness and acceptance is greater than the oceans.

The next woman reminded me that there are times in our lives where it is deal or no deal. There are somethings that you must stop in order to save the snowflake from turning into an avalanche, the longer you wait, the more damage it can cause. Tough love sucks, but in the long run the results are worth it.

Another women reminded me that there are opportunities in every situation to grow and learn from. Change is not easy, especially when you are the only one who wants to change. She reminded me that in order to change the future, you must look to the past, take the experience and leave the trash, and always look to the light.

The last woman reminded me that you can’t force a person to change their spots if they have no intention of going to the salon. She asked me how much I am willing to sacrifice in this situation in order to force a horse to a watering hole they can’t see. Were the sacrifices worth the results?

Blessed – truly blessed by these women’s presence in my life. They bring a balance to my life that compares to no other. One has brought me to an opportunity for growth, one is mediating, one is reminding me of my strength, one is reminding me to stay true to the path, and one is reminding me not to get lost in the details and sacrifice too much.

Thank you – to each and every blessed one of you………

The hardest thing to forgive....

We are once again in the ... what were we doing 2 years ago today... phase. We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my father's death from brain cancer. Little things that most people would not notice as they go throughout their day stand out to me like beacons to remind me of that very isolating time in my life. I call it isolating because it is a time .. a 2 year period, where every event, every occasion is remembered by where we were in the continuous journey of my father's illness.
There is a very specific night that haunts me to this day. I remember it as if it just happened last night. Maybe not so much the details, like what was on the TV or what I was wearing, but the feelings are as raw today as they were 2 years ago.

Saturday, June 5, 2004
We knew things were not good. We knew we weren't curing anymore, we were waiting for the inevitable. His doctor told my mother that we were looking at weeks, not months. He had been in the hospital for awhile and everyday something faded away... first he couldn't pick things up, then he couldn't grab things at all, it eventually moved to him being unable to move anything without full assistance.
My mother called.
"We need to consider hospice...(she fades away in a muffled noise of total anguish)...I can't tell him...."
You see, at this point, no one has had the conversation with my father that his time has come. My mother had asked the doctor to do it, and his response was, "I am not sure what good it is to tell him..."

"We have to tell him, but I can't do it...."
This entire time I am sobbing silently. I compose myself and call my sister at work.
"We have to find the words to tell dad, and we have to do it together, can you come?"
"I am on my way."
She ends up having car trouble and I have to go and get her. We drive the very long drive back to the hospital with both of us exchanging masks of strength and utter despair.
We get to the hospital and enter the room in silence. I can't remeber if he was awake or asleep, because by this time he was pretty much always in and out of some sort of sleep. Mom loses it on the bench near the window... the bench was always a great place to lose it, because it was just behind his line of sight, and if your sobs were quiet enough, he had no idea how utterly lost and sad you were.
We left his room several times because the anxiety was just too great. Not one of us could start the conversation... we knew the conversation had to occur... but there are no words ...
The nurse walks in with his medicine, the new medicine that the doctor has ordered to "make him more comfortable." My mother resisted starting the morphine because we knew my dad's reaction to it from previous hospital stays and we also knew that it meant that his moments of conciousness would slip away entirely. The nurse starts to head for my father, "Mr. Randall, I have some medicine here for you..." and she sees us melt into a ball of tears..... one of us tells her, "Could you just leave it... we will give it to him......"
My mother was seated on the silent bench, I was in his recliner right next to him and Karen moved to sit on the foot of his bed. She hands him the pill cup and he loosely holds it in his hand, resting it on the bed....
"Ya know girls... it doesn't look like I am going to beat this thing......"
Oh dear God.... he is telling us. He is having the conversation with us. He is saying the words that could not come out of our mouth. He is comforting us.
We all cried... cried and cried and cried.....
He took the pill and settled in to once again find comfort the only place he could.... in sleep.
My mother had been keeping a constant vigil with him. She had not slept in days, if not weeks or months. I told her that I would stay with him that night. We had a very long and difficult journey ahead of us, and it wasn't going to end tonight.
So she left with Karen. Dad and I were alone.....
The most beautiful view out of my father's room was sunset and sunrise. It faced north, so you could see the sky turn beautiful shades of gold, red, purple and blue. The worst part of sunset was that my father suffered from sundown syndrome. The darkness of night made my father very anxious and irritable. He would phase in and out of irrational and incoherent thoughts. You very rarely got more than 45 minutes or so, of peaceful sleep. So this night, I was prepared to have another night of interrupted sleep between his and the nurses constant interruptions to "check in on us" and check vital signs.
I was not prepared for one of the worst nights in my life. The medication to help my father relax did the complete opposite. He was anxious, and very awake. He was in a lot of pain and could not get comfortable.
"Baby... please.. I gotta sit up...."
So I would get up, put his side rails down, shift him to his side, lower his legs to the ground, sit him up on the side of the bed, put his slippers on, cover him with his robe, place his arms around my neck...."ready dad"..."yeah"..."okay....1-2-3"....hoist him to as much of a standing position that I could, pivot him and place him in his chair, position him with pillows, cover him with blankets.
"Is that better?"
"yeah... thanks, babe...."
Lay back down on the silent bench, and stare up at the TV pretending to watch whatever was on....
15 to 20 mintes later
"Oh, God... it hurts.... I gotta lay down... I gotta lay down...."
"Okay, dad, okay... lets get you back into bed....."
We start the procedure in reverse.
I walk out ot the nurses station....
"He is in a lotta pain.. is there anything you can give him?"
"Well... it's not time for another dose for another 2 hours....."
"Okay.... I think he is better now that he is laying down...."
15-20 minutes later
"I gotta get up... I gotta get up...."

This cycle continued all night with each new change more urgent and desperate than the previous. I was pregnant at this time, 3 or 4 months. Early enough to think I was capable of staying up all night and continuously "carrying" my 6 ft father back and forth from the bed to the recliner. It was quickly becoming clear that by 2 or 3 o'clock, I needed help. I walked out to the nurses station...
"I need some help....He wants to get into the chair and I am pregnant and starting to hurt from helping him get up and down...."
One of the 3 nurses at the station tells me, "I'll get some one to come in and help...."
A nurses aid walks in and informs me that she can't do it alone, he is to big.
She walks out and returns with several people. They get him into the chair and leave. Of course 15 minutes later he wants back into the bed... I go back out to the nurses station... they sigh and return to the room....
"Mr. Randall, you are gonna have to get comfortable...."
They surround him with pillows under every elbow, knee, foot and up and down his back. He politely smiles to them and says thanks.
Within moments of them leaving the room, he wants up again....

This is the darkest moment in my journey and one I cannot seem to forgive myself for....He pleaded with me for 15-20 minutes to get him out of the bed and back into the chair....I could only respond with, "Dad....please... I am just so tired... I can't ... I can't get you up again.....
I remember thinking in that moment... Dear God, just - take - him..... take him soon. I just can't handle this anymore.... and I weeped....quietly on the silent bench.

By sunrise he had settled down, mostly out of shear exhaustion. I remember calling my mom and explaining the night and she said to tell the doctor to start the morphine. When the doctor came in, he said I looked tired. He turned to my father and started what sounded like the "we have no other options" speech, and I quickly put up my hand and said, "we have already talked about this....."
I followed him out of the room and told him to start the morphine. He said he was going to write the orders on the chart and cancel all vital checks and request a hospice to come and speak with us.
I left the hospital that nmorning and Mike came and picked me up. He was driving my father's van. I remember climbing into the passenger seat and crying. I remember crying all the way home. I cried myself to sleep once I got home.

I have cried the entire time as I write this post. I am haunted by my father's plea for comfort and my total inability to give it to him. I am tortured by the fact that this night was the last time he was ever able to stand and I was so angry every time I heard him speak and ask me to help him. I silently pray.. 2 years later... to be back on the silent bench again to have the opportunity to re-do that night all over again....


I have the most wonderful and compassionate people in my life... and I am thanking you in advance for any kind words that you wish comment here.... but I am asking you that you please not tell me... "you did the best that you could"... I know that... I know that the only person who can forgive myself for my thoughts and set me free from this night is me...I think telling my story here has placed my feet in the right direction.....

Dad ... is it you?!?!?

So I am watching the Biography channel last night and they had a special on about Mediums. It was profiling the rather mainstream mediums who you probably have seen on TV talk shows. I have always had this fantasy of going to one of those large conferences they give and having the medium pick me out with a message from beyond. Then when my father died I actually had someone on the "other side" to communicate with. As I was watching this show I was thinking, hmmm... I wonder if dad's spirit would be strong enough to come through with a message....

.. and clear as day in my father's voice I hear....

.... "You know I don't believe in that bullshit!".....

What the hell was I thinking?

So upon the advice of my friend, Allison, who is a self tanning addict, I went to my handy local Walgreen's and picked up a self tanner.... now the only thing that has color on my body is my hands which are orange....

I will now be washing my hands every 15 minutes until the color fades or the skin falls off.....

...good times.....

Memorial Day

This memorial day I remembered:
What it is like to have a clean kitchen
What it is like to have clean bathrooms
What it is like to have all laundry done
What it is like to have all laundry done, FOLDED, AND PUT AWAY
What it is like to snuggle with my husband & kids and watch TV
What it is like to take a 2 hour nap
What it is like to go to bed at a resonable time, on clean sheets, with household chores done ....

God Bless the 3 day weekend.......

Dear everyone.....

I do not have time to write all of you individual letters, so I hope you understand why I am choosing to publish this to all of you here on the world wide web....

We were watching the movie "Robots" during breakfast. When the Robin William's robot is taking the lead character's robot to stay at his Aunt Fannie's ,Max starts to get all excited and giggle feverishly....

Max: Here you come, mommy.....
Me: Excuse me?
Max: On the TV... here you COME!!!

At this point Aunt Fannie, named after her enormous derriere, comes on scene whipping her namesake too and fro while destroying everything around her as she turns...

Max: (Laughing uncontrollably) Ahhhhh mommy... you so funny!!!
Me: Why am I Aunt Fannie?
Max: 'Cause you have a big booty!!

I have loved you all.... I must now go throw myself off a bridge.....

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

No I am not referring to the book for those of you who just googled your way here.... I am referring to my backyard last night. Exactly what was good and what was evil is subject to opinion... my husband's opinion and my own.

So last night we went and had dinner with my mother. She needed me to fix something on her new computer and since he was along for the ride, she wanted Mike to pull up some plants in her garden. The plants she was pulling up were 5 mature azalea plants that probably would have cost us a couple hundred bucks if we bought them at a nursery. After much grunting and groaning, Mike got them up and loaded into the truck to take home. It was already late so my mother bathed the boys so we could just put them into bed when we got home. I finished up what she needed on her computer and off we go to the homestead. We get home and put 2 sleepy kids into their beds and I come out to see Mike closing up shop outside. He looks down at my hands a sees a flashlight.
Him: What do you need that for?
Me: So we can see....
Him: See what?
Me: We have to get them in the ground tonight, otherwise the roots will be exposed for over 24 hours by the time we get them into the ground.....
Him: WHAT?!?!?!
Me: THOSE PLANTS ARE WORTH LOTS OF MONEY... YOU JUST WANT TO THROW AWAY MONEY?

... So once again, we are outside... in the dark... gardening......thank God that man loves me in all my glory........

... P.S. they look beautiful .....

So perhaps we started the countdown a little too early.....

This is the conversation we have every morning at our house.....

Big Red: We go to Disney World today?
Me: No baby, not today, soon.....
Big Red: (falling into a goo of disappoitnment) Yes... mommy.. today .. the airplane take us to Disney World TODAY!! P-L-E-A-S-E MOMMY!!!!!

Today we had an extra twist to the conversation:

Big Red: Mommy, I too tired to go to school today.....
Me: Well then perhaps you need to go lay back down in your bed until mommy is ready to leave.
Bog Red: Okay.....

AND HE DID!!!!!!!

This boy needs a vacation.......

Aha moment.....

Dreams vs Passion

I had an interesting "aha moment" (using Oprah terms). I have always assumed that my dreams were my passion. I gotta say that I am disagreeing with my self now.... Dreams fulfill your fantasies... Passion fills your soul. Dreams are events. Passion is motion. I think the 2 can be related, but I think people get mixed up chasings dreams (events) with no passion (motion) and end up miserable and lost because they can't make "their dreams come true".
I have a dream of being the top of my game... whatever my game is. I want that feeling of being the best or greatest whatever. I dream of others saying..."wow...that Rebecca... she is amazing at dat-dat-tada .. she is the one you want to go to...." When I think of this dream I get a very false high followed by a severe drop of "maybe someday"... like there is a lotto ticket that I have to purchase several times before I can "luck out" and have my dream come true. I do believe dreams are completely out of my control. I believe in the old Jiminy Cricket theory that "a dream is wish your heart makes", a tiny prayer sent to the universe in the hopes that the universe will align events to make this prayer answered.

My passions are a totally different situation.... my passions wrap my soul in a fuzzy blanket and fill my needs like the best cup of hot chocolate, ever. Passion gives me forward momentum and gives me drive to continue. My passion is for me, myself and I. My passions direct my actions and allow me to share my gifts. If my passion sparks passion in others, its a win-win situation. If my passion creates joy and happiness in waves in my ponds that resonate out to the banks of others, again.... everybody holds the trophy. There is nothing more wonderful than living with passion. And for those who can make choices in their lives based on following their passions, I think that is amazing. I think sometimes people are blessed to make a living doing there passion. I think some people are blessed that their living allows them time to fulfill their passions.
I think some people's dreams have come true, and as they sit in their dream they realize there is no passion to stay in the dream. Dreams are tricky. You can create the most elaborate dreams and once the universe grants your dream, you learn a completely different lesson. You realize the dream was built on a cloud and most of it was a facade and not nearly what you thought it would be... but your dream came true.....
Here is a lesson that I am knee deep into... and by knee deep, I mean it is definitly not stopping me in my tracks or drowning me, but there is enough of it around my legs that it is slowing my journey on the my path. I have spent the majority of my life looking up and chasing dreams I have created in the clouds. A couple of them have come true out of shear determination, and once I sat atop my castle in the clouds, I realized... "Ah shit.... this isn't what I wanted!" I would then go through this grief over the loss of the dream or the reality of the situation. I have created dreams that are impossible to come true and put value in them... ultimately setting me up for disappointment or sadness. Because I wasn't liking the results my dreams were giving me, I gave up on dreaming...."what's the point? I don't really believe in dreams....." and in the process I allowed my passion to be stifled as well... because what's the point of following your passion if you dont believe in the dream you are trying to fulfill?
* This is where I lost my path *
I don't want to chase dreams in the future, I want to live with passion today. I know there are many rivers I can chose to set sail upon that would be driven by my passions and I have no idea where the river will lead me. Some of the rivers are scarier than others in the fact that they require more of me, more than I have been able to find in myself. Yet like drums in the middle of the village, they are calling to me and rattling my soul as I wander in the fields, telling me.... "there is something going on here.... and you know you want to be a part of it... the rhythms are calling...."
I set events into motion.... I have no idea what time frame these events are going to happen, that is not for me to decide. I am asking a commitment of myself to stay in the water, not matter how much I want to get out of the boat. I am asking myself to trust that my soul never leads me into dark waters without the tools to find the light again. Trips occur in minutes, hours or days.... journey's last over years and life-times... this is a journey... and I will live a passionate journey....

The boys....

So I haven't huffed and puffed recently with motherhod pride, so here is an update on the munchkins I call big red and little red.....
Big red.... he is truly killing me right now.. both positively and negatively. He is very attached to Mike and I and wants to be right at our heels with everything... helping with dinner, household chores, outside activities...etc...the biggest problem is that now that "we" are doign everything together, he feels that we should rest together.... we frequently waking up in the middle of the night with a guest in between us... sometimes it is so precious because I will wake up with him holding my cheeks in a loving manner fast a asleep. We are in a constant state of testing our boundaries.... when mommy and daddy say no, we tend to whine. I am proud of the fact that MOST of the time, Mike and I stand as a united front.

Raising children

I had an interesting thought while browsing through blogs today. There seems to be quite a few blogs that talk about "kids today".... lack of respect, lost in direction... not being heard.....
I cannot speak for generations before me, but it seems like pevious generations couldn't wait to HAVE children and wanted these little experiments to reflect the type of person they wanted to be..."You are such a good mother, your kids pee pee'd in the potty by (this)".... "You must have been one helluva dad to make the money to send your kids to (blank) college".
My generation of friends having babies talks about RAISING our children... making choices that will help to build character not grade point averages. I don't want my children to go to go to the best schools, I want them to have life experiences that help them to know what they really want out of life. I don't want my kids to be doctors, I want them to be respectful. I don't want my children to grow up and get married and have grandbabies for me... I want them to have happy fulfilling relationships. I want to focus on their current development, not think how this development will lead to that development which will lead them to be perfect ... I do not want my kids to be perfect... I want them to fail, learn how to fail and learn how to grow from failure. I do not want them to be the best at everything, because I want to teach them compassion for people who are not always the best.
I know my parents wanted what was "best" for me.... both positve and negative...when I was old enough to make choices for myself they guided these choices, but did not question them once they were made. If there were consequences, they made me responsible for them, but they did not judge me for them. They made the blocks available to me, but I built my character.
I want to focus on giving my children the right blocks... not the right shoes....

God bless THIS man!!!

Do you see this man? DO YOU SEE HIM?!?!?
He is the greastest man in the world.... well, MY, world that is....

This man watched 5 children.... 6, 3, 3, 20 months and 16 months......

From 12:00 pm on Saturday until 6:00 PM Sunday while my mother, sister and I went to San Antonio for some fun.....

BACK OFF, Ladies...... He's MINE!!!!!

...more on the "Hot Mamas on the Riverwalk" later..... tonight we celebrate this glorious man!!!

Oh MY!!!.... She posted something new......

I am here daily.. several times daily and I have not posted. I am so far behind in work that I feel guilty even writing now.....

Very Quick re-cap:

Yes.. I turned 31 last week.... thank you all for the kind words and warm wishes....
My aunt passed away last week. She is the 3rd in my father's family to die from cancer.... My mother and sister traveled to NY for the funeral, which of course means our house was full of rugrats for Easter. I am happy to say that Kailtyn won the Easter egg hunt and had devoured her candy faster than her male competition.

My business trip several weeks ago was great. The trip was just peaceful and beautiful. I was in my pajamas, eating take-out from Outback steakhouse, a mud mask on my face and wet nail polish on my finger nails and toes by 7:00..... I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning watching movies uninterrupted. The conference itself was long and boring, but the events outside of the conference were great. Remember this? Well it was just the 2 of us at this conference so we had a lot of time to ourselves. She showed me a depth to herself that I never knew existed. I am not saying that we will ever be best friends, but it was interesting to hear her tell her stories in a relaxed atmosphere... amazing perspective. I think the most I talked was just to comment on what she was telling me.

Another strange (and a tad worrisome) occurrance lately is a series of very violent and/or disturbing dreams that I have had the past few nights. They include the bombing of a subway line where I hear the explosions and see the sidewalk cave in and buildings fall. The next I saw a woman plant a bomb and tell me you are going to understand the meaning of 2:10. It could be 2 minutes and 10 secs or 2 hrs and 10 minutes, but you will know the meaning of 2:10. I run and run and when my instincts tell me I can no longer run, I have to seek protection. I then see people turn around and look towards the city and say, "whoa...." and I wake up. The next was a serial killer who had escaped from jail and was stabbing people in their neck and sometimes stabbing so hard that their heads would fly off (I am seeing it all) He would look at me and give me this very evil smile and then kill the people. No one could catch him and he would show up out of the darkness and disappear back into the darkness. The last (last night) was that I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer. I am sure this is all related to my aunt's death and bringing up old issues about dad's death. I just wish I could satisfy my psyche that the images don't have to be quite so violent. The interestign thing in all the them, the theme - if you will- was that i was never concerned about me. I was concerned about those around me or the situation... hte people on the train, the people who didn't know about the bomb, the people who were beign killed, and then last night, I was more concerned with everyone else knowing that it was okay that I had been diagnosed more than the diagnosis itself.

I don't have the energy to analyze now.... but I am curious about the 2:10 thing... anyone out there know the significance of 2:10?

31

..... I genuinely have nothing to say.....

This one's for me....

icky , yucky stuff....random thoughts that seem to be so surface that I just can't seem to release them or shove them back down into the deep abyss....I was already very sensitive about my father lately... songs that trigger emotions that I am not ready or should not allow to surface when I am driving 75 mph down the beltway with no shoulders to pull off onto. Then the story about the little boy, Ben, who recently died of brain cancer and s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e... the wheel of emotions again. Yet at the same time I have these extreme moments of laughter and release. I don't quite understand the pendulum. Oh so high and oh so low. I used to love to swing when I was younger... I would love to swing now, but my weight doesn't let me be comfortable on the playground. Anyway... I loved to swing... high.. really high... and I can remember the feeling when it was time to stop... your insides were still swinging. I could still feel the ebb and flow and the self created wind that made my hair whip around and get stuck in my mouth....
It hurts... those of you who know me know that my tears don't come, like a faucet that that slowly trickles and increases with pressure as you turn the knobs. It is this pressure that I am constantly checking the gauges and when I lose my focus, the pressure is too intense and I can't stop them.
Once again simple words from a wise woman in my life has brought me to a mirror showing me my gauges and deciding I either gotta release the pressure myself in a controlled setting or it is going to blow up in my face.
I am taking a business trip by myself (driving) and she wrote a simple email to me...

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"

I have really been looking forward to this trip. It wasn't until I got this email that I realized why. I am a cave dweller... I need the protection all around me in a safe quiet place to process. I have been known in the past to get stuck in the cave or worse, go so deep into the mountain that I can't find my way out alone. Luckily experience and lessons learned have shown me that this is not the fun path in life. However, I also get so scared of getting lost in the mountain again, that I go out on these hikes, as far away from the cave as possible. And then I get exhuasted and lose my way in the jungle only to find myself walking in circles crying. Once again, pendulum has brought me from darkness to blinding sun with the same results... lost, walking in circles, crying.
I have not accepted, forgiven or released a lot of the events surrounding my father's death. I have started removing the weeds and tilling the ground I chose to plant my seeds of life into.... I was not prepared for the emotions that come with taking out the garbage. I know the tears will help to nourish the seeds of change, but I need a little more time and space than the 15 minute trip to work along a road with no shoulders to stop and catch my breath. I am looking forward to a nice quiet drive, followed by an empty room, a hot shower and dark curtains to shut my daily responsibilities out and process... or not process... just rest....

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"

Springing forward sucks...

I already have enough problems getting places on time.... and every year ya gotta smear it in my face by adding an extra hour on to it?

... the governement.....

A bunch of Happy Birthdays!!

Please go wish a Happy Birthday to the self proclaimed April Fool ... she is a Becky, too. I have had the pleasure of reading her blog for quite a while and we have shared quite a few similarities in our life's journey other than the same name....

Then go stop by Amanda, She just turned 30 and has her arms full with a brand new baby girl!

And even though she doesn't have a blog... I know she has been able to stop by here in the blog world to check out how we are doing here in the way down South! My yankee New York then moved to Vermont sister-in-law, Vickie, is having a birthday today, too!!!

Happy Birthday, everyone!!!!!

A little prayer never hurt....

....just so sad....

Stick a fork in me.. cause I am D-U-N !!!!

... pitch fork that is....

So stage 3 of my journey to a much more pleasant back yard is complete.....

It all started about 4 years ago when we bought our house. There was a beautiful tree smack dab in the center of our back yard.



She was a bute, but she wouldn't let sunshine in at all.... the good thing was that it was always cool... the bad thing was that the ground was always mud. At first we thought we were going to put landscaping stones everywhere, but that was way out of our budget. We tried sodding it, but becuase there was no light, we had no luck. Then Mike was going to make a tire mulch play ground, but way too extensive with drainage systems, blah, blah, blah. So we kept it hidden behind a 6 ft fence and pretended that it didn't exist.

We then noticed that thousands of tiny guests had decided to eat our tree from the inside out, so the tree had to go... I was so sad to see her go. She really was beautiful. But like the old saying goes, when God closes a door, He opens a window... and when this window opened Mike and I finally decided it was time to put some real time, money, and elbow grease to work and create a back yard our childen could enjoy....

First... we killed eveything that was left... tilled...



then tilled some more... tore down the fence.... (sledge hammers and lots of built up frustration and energy... so much fun!!)

We then had 4 yards of dirt, 3 yards of mulch and 2 pallets of grass delivered....



Everybody helped....



....and right at at the end when I thought I was going to die from exhaustion, the calvary showed up in the form of my mother and my sister with her kids. The kids kept my kids occupied and mom and Karen helped Mike and I level the ground and lay the sod (truly angels that I will never be able to thank enough)... and now we have this......





I am pretty sure that I have never worked so hard for so long in my life. I am always the big dreamer, never the big finisher. I am so proud of me and my husband for making a realistic plan, sticking to it and accomplishing the goal. We still have a lot of waiting for the grass to take and the bulbs to bloom, but I am looking forward to seeing he results of our labor.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, Ta Ta !



....next we do the garage!

A funny thing happened on the way to the Walgreen's....

Let me start this post with a very clear warning that this is one of those "TOO MUCH INFORMTION" posts.... so if ya can't take the heat... get out of my kitchen now before your eyes burst into flames reading the following story....








Now... momma decided last night that she needed some luvin....it had been a while because we have been out of our chosen form of controlling the amount of clones I create of my husband.... this has always been my husband's job.... it is his responsibility to make sure we are not out and to replace them when we are, but it has slipped both of our minds (and desire) lately....
He was already getting ready for bed, so he told me that if I wanted it, I had to go to Walgreen's to get it.....(big huge smile on his face)....so after some whiny delay, I finally psyche myself up enough to go....
"Is there anything else that we need so it isn't so obvious?"
(Again... big smile from him because he knows how much this is killing me....)
I get in the car and try to convince myself what a dork I am being about this... I am clearly an adult, married and performing an action accepted event by even the most strict religions....I even have proof that this event has occured at least twice in the form of big red and little red....but no one knows an estimated time and date these events occurred like the total strangers at Walgreen's could assume....
So I walk into the store and pick up a basket. I start to walk up and down the aisles looking very casual and picking up anything that we might possibly need in the next 3 months or in the eent that a natural disaster should sneek up on us. I get to the aisle that has the main item on my mental shopping list and realize how very little I know about this household item that has kept me out of a double wide trailer with 16 kids. I have no clue which one to get, my pleasure, his pleasure, spermicidal or heated lubricant, blah blah blah blah.... I just grab one and continue my stroll through the store stocking up on our bomb shelter necessities. I am satisfied with the amount of shampoo, pediacare, orange juice, and diet coke to hide my teenage embarrassment, so I head to the check out... manned by 2 MALE teenage checkers....Oh God help me.... I know you are laughing your ass off right now up there, but give me a break. I walk up to one of them, drop the basket on the counter and immediately turn my entire focus to swiping my debit card and reading every instruction very intently as if I had never read whether or not I wanted cash back before and what denominations I had to chose from. I then hear him say,
"I think these are on sale"
Referring to the Diet cokes I answer "Yeah, but they are 3 for 9.99 and I only want one"
Choking and stuttering he starts to chuckle and say say, " No I mean... uhm... well the other thing...."
I HAD TO PICK THE ONE ON SALE!!!
So here he is trying to keep himself from laughing and thumbing through the Walgreen's ad to make sure that the one I have chosen are in fact on sale....
"Yep, right here....."
He then takes $5.99 of the main price and tries not to make eye contact with me as I am literally on the verge if crying from laughter at how this trip to Walgreen's has turned out.

.... I walk into the door at home to Michael saying, "You should have taken your phone with you... squirt is up!"
I walk into our bed to find our 1 yr old wimpering with a 102 temp.....
... at least we used the Pediacare I bought .....

Good news.... Bad news....

Good news: Weekend started early for me
Bad news: Up all night with a baby with 102 temp
Good news: Soil, mulch and sod being delivered today
Bad news: WE are putting it all down
Good news: It is her, last day at a job that has under appreciated her for too long
Bad news: I will not be there for our daily email conversations

Update

So my plan is to try and update every Wednesday or Thursday my weight success.... I am also trying to not step on the scale but once a week. This is very hard as I am not the most patient person and I want to see results instantly.
What makes me laugh as I am writing this, is that in our 3 step process to a bigger and better outside, I planted bulbs. And even though I know from my 4th grade science class this is going to take a long time for those babies to sprout, I secretly peek through my blinds every morning to see if anything has come up.....

I keep telling myself this is a life change, not a diet. I am going to live my days they way I want to live them for the rest of my life. I am not going to deny myself a piece of the office birthday cake we are celebrating, because I am not going to go through my life denying myself birthday parties and celebrations.... It's not the extra's that are my problem. It's the day to day...

Part of this is also processing the habits and where they came from and choices I have made and the consequences those choices have created. I am not ready to put it on paper (or electronic file). It is still spinning in my head and conversations between me and God. I also have not made time for it as I am choosing to spend all my extra time and energy (and even some I do not have) working on the house. It is amazing how hard work releases so much....

Change is inevitable... patience is a virtue

So I am lightening up... figuratively, physically, emotionally and spiritually....

I thought I might reflect these changes here by tring to go way from my normal "black". Of course this now means I have screwed up everything with a single touch and I am now trying to figure out how to put it all back....

...patience.....

Every cell is throbbing.....

So this weekend we worked on stage 2 of the 3 stage process concerning the outside of our house. As you saw in the earlier post, we have already re-potted a bunch of plants to go on our patio. This weekend Mike and I rented a tiller and worked our flower beds in the front and tilled the entire back yard to prepare it for sod. We stared at 8:00 am...(okay, so Mike stared at 6:30 when he left to get the tiller...first come first serve and all) We finally stopped at 8:00 pm last night (planting plants in the front flower bed while Max held a flashlight for me). Now before everyone jumps on me for late night planting, we were supposed to get a nasty storm today (nothing yet) and it was window of opportunity before all of the freshly ground dirt turned into mud soup. Ben was breaking my heart because as I was on my hands and knees putting plants in the ground, he would come right in front of me, sit down, lay his head on my chest and start hugging me.
Then today we worked a little more prepping the back yard. We were hopping the tilling was going to cover up some holes in the back, but it looks like we are going to have to get some soil to lay out before we sod.
Every cell in my body hurts... it is even killing me to type this blog, but I have been absent recently and I hate it when there are big gaps in my journal. When I go back and read them, I always think.... what the hell was going on during that time?

Watch out, Florida!

Disney World ...HERE WE COME!!!
And by WE... I mean the whole troop.... 4 adults, 5 children....
I just booked our flights and rented the full size van....

I am not sure that I am going to be able to handle the excitement. I made the mistake of telling Max about it too early and so every morning he tells me, "No school today, mommy... we go to Disney World!"

He has no idea how much I wish that his statement was true!

I AM SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!!!

Wake up!

Max woke up VERY early the other day when I was getting ready to go walking. He was perplexed because it was dark outside and still "sleepy night-night time". I told him I was going to go and get the sun and tell it to "WAKE UP". Once I got back he ran to the window and presented it to me "look mommy, the sun is up... YOU DID IT!"

The joy of mud

So Ben discovered the joy of mud yesterday. My mother and I were re-potting all of our plants and Max and Ben and my niece, Kaitlyn and nephews Kameron and Konner were "helping".
Ben has always loved to splash. He has always been the type of baby who loves the crash of his hands on water and the joy of the water hitting everything within it's reach. Bath time is always quite an experience, thanks to this love of his.
I didn't think he could love an exercise more... until he found the perfect medium.... Mud .... it's cool, slimey, squishy and when you hit it, it SPLATTERS...e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e...... Mom and I had no idea how much fun he was having until we looked over and saw this.....

Upon closer inspection, we could see the full detail of this little toddler in his first outdoor experiment with mud.....


Why do I have the feeling that I should invest in stock with Tide?

Why

Why when you ask someone for their number the say:

"888-555-2485, but the best number to reach me at is (blah, blah, blah...)"

Why the hell did you not give me that number in the 1st place....

Walk of the Penguins

Did I pick the wrong movie? Was there a different title to the cute little movie that they advertised as the family sleeper of the year? Ya know the commercial... the kids and parents in the movie theater exiting from seeing the "cutest film ever" and waddling around looking like over-stuffed carnival dolls?

Cause that was NOT the movie I put on for me and my family Friday night!

The movie I saw had Morgan Freeman narrating a film about penguins anguish and how often "most will not make it" with horrible shots of eggs freezing while penguins looked on, adult penguins dying for the cold, mommy and daddy penguins who "are literally starving", baby penguins being attacked by birds of prey, and some of the ones who survived that freezing on the snow because of the mother of all blizzards", mothers so depressed from their loss they tried to steal other babies and the mad rush attack from the other mother penguins who are "not going to let that happen".

It was like the "Shawshank Redemption" of animal documentaries....

... Don't worry, angel.... those penguins are just so sleepy from the cold they laid down to take a long nap.......

Because it's Friday

I was gonna write some big deep blog about nothingness and got side tracked reading blogs...blog led to blog which led to this:



cuteoverload.com


Ya just gotta add this one to your blogroll....well.. maybe not Kyle...
it may be way too cute overload for him.....He might enjoy this version at Angry Love

HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUYYYYSSSSSS!!!!!

Oh my goodness.....

I MUST have this....scroll to the bottom and watch the trailer....

Are you surfing the waves of memories one song from our youth can create?

No wonder I expect only the best when it comes to entertainment...Bill Cosby, Morgan Freeman, Rita Moreno, Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder... these are the people that brought us our educational TV!!!!

How FRIGGIN cool!

Cruel and unusual punishment

I am going to a darker side right now, but I am about to vomit after reading about the temporary delay in the execution of a man in California. Apparently there was a court order that anesthesiologists be present in case the prisoner appeared to be in pain during the execution and intervene with sedation. The defense lawyers said that it would be cruel and unusual punishment if this raping murderer woke up during the process of the execution and felt the pain of his heart stopping.
I am pretty sure there was no judge, no lawyers and no court procedings about the 17 year old girl's pain when she was being raped and murdered.....

Late night Love conversations

Apparently Ben fell asleep last night while talking to his girlfriend. I checked on him right before going to bed. He was laying on his side with his play Elmo phone resting on his ear.

Hubby's hobby has taken over.....

Trains, trains, and more trains.....

The hubby and my boys are crazy for trains. Everyone (including little red thanks to Aunt Tiff and Uncle Shaun ) has their own train set. They range from the Hogwart's Express to 3 storage bins of Geo Trax. One day I am sure that I am going to walk into the house and it will be one huge series of train tracks all entertwined amongst themselves and all over my house.

Until then, hopefully he can be satisfied with taking pictures and publishing them on his new blog:

geotraxcity.blogspot.com

Please forgive his inability to spell.... I love him anyway.....

I did it

So ... I did it...
It took me three years and the grace of God, but I did it.
I stood up to someone and said my peace in it's entirety. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I was sitting in a meeting and I just couldn't stand it any longer. It was one of those moments when you know you are about to open the flood gates, cross a line, go to that point of no return and you amaze yourself that you have opened your mouth and the words coming out are the ones that you have rattled in your brain for what seems like forever. It was one of those times when you openly acknowledge to yourself that you are opening yourself up to the firing range and you are probably going to stand there alone, but you have to say what you have to say or you will explode under the self inflicted pressure.
So I did it... I let it all go... I could not let her beat down the people in the room any longer. I see her week after week stealing the life out of our employees and I could not let them sit there in fear of her any longer. When the words started flowing, I slowly saw the other employees who normally sit through this weekly meeting staring at the table and praying that she doesn't call on them, suddenly lift their heads and slowly shake in agreement with the words that were coming out of my mouth. She tried to spin my words to be in her favor, but I wouldn't allow it.. I had come this far...I stuck my neck out so I might as well say everything before she cuts it off.
One of the employees was so relieved that she found the courage to stand beside me and thank me for standing up for them. Everyone slowly came to this silent solidarity. We know the problems, we know it is all wrong... we didn't need her to voice it in a meeting, yell at people in front of other employees, demand change then walk out with no solutions.
The meeting was adjourned... she left the office.. I knew this was not over.. but I was finally ready to lay my cards on the table and play the hand to the end. She came back and went straight into my mother's office, slammed the door and began to yell at my mother. I could hear her through the wall since my office shares the same wall. I heard her voice, but I did not hear my mother's. Next thing I know she is standing at my door and points angrily to my mother's door, which of course was the "parent's" way of caling the "child" into mom and dad's room for punishment.
She sat down, and I sat down and turned my chair to face her directly. She looked at my mother, and my mother told her that this was between her and me and if she wanted me in here, she needed to talk to me. At one point in her rant my mother starts to interrupt her and stand up for me and I quickly jumped in and said, "I am listening to every word she says, and I respect her enough to let her finish completely before responding and I will in turn ask for the same respect when it is my turn to speak." My mother quietly sat back in the realization that I am ready to enter this battle alone.
When she was done, I started to speak... she very quickly started interrupting my comments and I reminded her that I had respected her words, and I asked that she respect mine. She sat back and crossed her arms and legs.
Behind those closed doors, I finally found my foundation. I advised her that I cannot change how she perceived what happened in that conference room today. I was not putting her down, I was standing up for the employees. I reminded her that she is ONE of the owners of this company, not my parent, and I will not be told what I can and cannot say or what I can question or cannot question. I told her that the overall mood of this company was very negative and telling people what a poor job they were doing was not helping to fix our crisis. I said much more, and willingly admit that in the heat of the conversation, I crossed lines when I shouldn't have, but the majority of my words were clear and resolute. I hoped that she would take the time to hear my words and pray about what I have said (she is a VERY religiuos person).
I know she heard me... I do not think her ego will allow her to acknowledge that fact... but that's okay. I didn't need her to hear the words as much as I needed to say them. I know it will be very difficult to work with her and her family for awhile, but I never really cared what they thought in the first place. This is my mother's sweat and tears... this is my mother's sacrifice.. it is my will to make it the best company it can be so that when the time comes and my mother is ready, it will pull the best profit possible for her retirement.
My mother called me on the way home from work...
"....I love you more than you will ever know...."
"No, mom... I love YOU more than you will ever know...."
Standing up has never felt so good.

What the hell....

They had months ...YEARS... to plan... there were meetings and lots of people agreed that what was produced was the most amazing Italian spectacular ever.... these people are decendants of some of the greatest artists that ever graced the dark ages and THIS is what they came up with.....

Dancing cows
Women dressed as cows
Alpine men with flag poles up their back
Dancing trees
Anorexic mafia girl covered in sequence carrying a flag
A stadium the size of several football fields and 1 man who choreographed himself a modern ballet with a costume inspired by the cadaver exhibits...( I am just curious: was this man blowing someone on the olympic planning committee or is he the nephew of a high ranking mafia leader?)
8 famous women walking a football field for 5 minutes
American techno disco introducing muslim nations while Bob Costas and Brian Williams debate the dangerous intentions of Iran's newest president....


And I watched every minute of the 4 hours.... I have no idea why... must have been the car crash mentality ..... that and I was mentally writing this blog the entire time.....

and by the way...

Bode...put the fucking beret on....

A new place

I am in a place that I am not sure I have ever been before. If I have been here before, it was so long ago that I do not remember what it felt like. I am not sure that it is is fair to call it what I am going to call it, but it is the only word that keeps coming to my mind.... peace... it's a Becky type peace. Not many people would come here and call it peace, but I call it peace, and since it's mine, I get to call it whatever I want.
My life has always seem to be a series of periods, events, moments of crisis, periods of recovery.
Hurry, graduate high school early. Go straight from summer school and night school into college.
House burns down, period of recovery.
Hide from childhood demons in unhealthy choices, recover from choices, deal with demons.
Start my professional life early, finish up college.
Move to New York, find myself, find husband, wedding, find out about marriage, 9-11, move home.
Deal with all the issues external and internal concerning "loss" of a dream while trying to find a new dream.
Buy a house, find out I am pregnant, find out my father has brain cancer.
Fight cancer as a family, have a baby, try to figure out what being a "mother" means.
Cancer won't go away... fight it harder... find out I am pregnant again... lose the fight with cancer...lose one of the strongest anchors in my life (both positive and negative)... have a baby.. try to figure out how to grieve and how to rejoice from both ends of the pendulum.
Just trying to remember the sequence of events is making me tired and dizzy.

But since January, I have had a bunch of little victories for myself. Things that some might shrug as common everyday occurrances, but for me they are huge. Scheduling myself, organizing thoughts, finishing projects, accomplishing goals.... reflecting on the accomplishments and enjoying the moments.
Spending time figuring out what I want, not breaking myself trying to solve others problems.
Opening my ears, not my mouth... being supportive by listening, not volunteering energy that I do not have.
Not allowing others to take my energy.
Venting... in every sense of the word... acknowledging the irrational emotion, not hiding or avoiding, but releasing, re-evaluating, learning and moving on.

I didn't have a great "aha" moment. I cannot tell you why today it's okay and last week it was not. I can just tell you that I am aware of it as if my life is enjoying the most beautiful crystal clear day that every existed.

It's not perfect, it's still messy, it's still beautiful, it's still hard, it's still everything... it's just clear... and it's peaceful.. it's big deep full breaths of the best air I have ever had the pleasure of inhaling.

For women only

I am pretty sure that my body is punishing me for not fertilizing this egg....

To those of you in sales.....

Let us just begin this post by saying, I am not a salesperson... I have never been a sales person... I could never be a sales person. I have been on the other side of sales for a lot of my working life.

Let me start by asking a question.... do you really accomplish selling anything by "popping by", calling daily, emailing constantly and over all harrassing the would be customers that you are persuing? Do you really think that I WANT to engage in business relationship with someone who is constantly inmy face?

My next question is... do you actually know anything about that which you are marketing? What it is that I do? How the answers to the two previous questions compare?

AND LASTLY.... do NOT show up with your executives at my door and ask for me to to praise you in front of them because THAT is NOT going to happen......

Bitter Bitter Bee....

I would like to forwarn everyone that it is probably best to keep a safe distance from this extremely bitter bitter bee....

There is an amount of rage and pissiness that I am experienceing right now that even shocks myself. I am having tolerance issues, I am in a constant state of internal monologue-ing coming up with incredible speeches to spew at any given time.. I am almost daring people to spark my fire just to see how high my flame really can go....

I am tired of coming across the same bullshit... over and over and over....

I am praying for the lesson... I am begging for the light... I am looking for the patience.

I am asking myself the questions, I am counting to 10 hoping for my moment of clarity with a deep breath and lower blood pressure.

I am pretty sure all will resolve when I start my period......