Testing...1...2...3....

Tomorrow is the big day. I take my content test tomorrow, the first of many hurdles I must jump in order to get certified to teach.

2:00 - please send all prayers, white light, good ju ju, or even a small kind thought my way to help me.

I am either going to pass it with flying colors or I am going to fail it miserably. One of the problems with preparing for this test was the lack of study guides, prep materials. The one study guide from the state paid much more attention on HOW to take the test, and not necessarily what content you should be studying. The people I emailed who had taken the test recently all said, well there were soem parts that were hard, but mostly it was okay and I passed.... well THAT doesn't help me much!!! Do I need to know how iambic pentameter further advanced the depths of Shakespeare's plays or do I just need to know that there was a guy named Shakespeare?!?!

I am very confident. What I studied was a great review overall. I felt good that most of the time as I was studying was a stroll down, "Oh yeah, I remember that!" rather than, "What the hell is that?!?! I don't remember anything like that!"

Any hoo... test tomorrow... no results for 4 weeks.... luckily I will have packing the rest of the house, move to new house, put in new floors/countertops in new house, unpack in new house, settle/adjust in new house to occupy my thoughts until I get results.

Somebody's getting married.......

For those of you who have read my blog awhile, you may remember a couple of blogs referring to a nasty situation that was hurting someone I love very much...it was my sister and the very nasty breakup and divorce of her marriage. It was hard, unexpected, aweful, and ugly. But it was over and my sister came out on the other side a stronger woman. She was able to work through the anger and pain. She was able to pull herself out of the drama and learn from the lesson.

Well, last year she met someone. A wonderful someone. A someone who made her realize what love truly means, what partnership means, and how a healthy happy relationship can help both souls reach and surpass their common goals. We were so happy to see her so happy, her children so happy, and the new light that was shining for their new extended/blended family.

And now to make it official, they are getting married. I just couldn't be happier for my big sister. I think Victor is wonderful. I think he brings out the best in my sister. I think his children are great and their presence in my neice and nephews lives has brought them great joy and happiness.

Congrats, my loving sister... you deserve it more than anyone I know!!

Tag! I'm it!

So a great distraction from packing/studying has come my way in the form of a blogger tag from the Giggling Universe. Hold on to your seats... the following is

6 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. My husband and I have never made love the same way twice in 8 years
2. I rehearse dialogue in my head/out loud all the time - in the car, in the mirror, etc. I will come up with scenarios in my head and think of how I will respond to them, how I will phrase a resonse. I will work out difficult conversations in my head before I have the conversation just so I can be prepared and not freeze or miss an opportunity to share how I really feel.
3. I love to get dirty... like gritty grimy nasty oily hair dirty just so I can truly enjoy a shower and how clean I am afterwards.
4. I am petrified of bees/wasps/flying stinging bugs even though I know I am much bigger than they are and the sting would probably not hurt as bad as it does in my mind. The really sad thing is that my children have picked up on my sheer terror and silence and now they do it.
5. I am obsessed with popping zits/boils... and not just my own. The bigger, the nastier, the better!
6. If I am in the passenger seat of a car with an emergency brake in between me and the driver, I want to pull it, just to see what would happen. I will even secretly hold it and mentally DARE myself to just pull...do it.... you know you want to...PULL IT!!!

This was actually really fun to think of.... so I am going to tag
Tiff (Yes, I know you are not blogging, but do it in the comments)
JuJuBee because I know she is packing right now too and deserves a break.
The Princess since she just finished moving/unpacking.
Rich Girl Poor Girl because she just started a new job, career, passion!
The Mommy Files because after her most recent weird brazillian waxing story just after her Justin Timberlake stalking, I am sure she has a great list!!
SunShine because even the brightest sunshine has dirty little weird secrets!

and last but not least...

April Fool because she just got a new beau, "Ted", and he needs to know the weird stuff too!!

Who's on first?

So conversation with my 2 yr old, Ben, has become similar to an Abbott and Costello comedy sketch. In his very young mind, he has managed to take the few words he knows and create his own conversation completely void of any new information that you may give him during the conversation. Example:

Ben: (B-U-R-P)
Mommy: Ben... say 'Excuse me, I burped!'
Ben: (turning around in complete fascination at the coincidence)... I burp, TOO!!
Mommy: No angel, mommy didn't burp, you burped. You should say, 'Excuse me, I burped!'
Ben: (Again, in awe of what we have in common) Mommy... I burp, TOO!!!

Lists

I don't have time for free form thought, I must resort to lists. I do this when the details overwhelm the journey. So, here we are:

- Grandparents - panicked when my mother went to get them and return to Houston. They decided to give an assisted living place one more look. It is wondereful. We went down the next weekend and helped them move in to an apartment. Took the best of a 3 bedroom house and put it into their apartment... only catch... my grandmother wants a 2 bedroom...what is wrong with the women in my family??? We always need just ONE more room and then all would be perfect!

- School - kicking my patooty right now. Not that it is hard, but it is a lot of theory thrown at you, and I am a "give it to me when I need it so I can use it" kind of person. Problem arises, research problem, solve problem. Plus I am watching the days countdown to my content test and I have barely cracked a book.

- House - WHEN DID WE GET ALL THIS CRAP?!?!?! Boxing, packing, moving packed boxes from one room to the next.... no official closing date yet, but will keep you posted.

SOLD

There is a SOLD sign in my front yard.

Sorry to leave you hanging....

... but they left us hanging until just this morning. So after all of that, 4 hours and almost a week of waiting, they are basically asking for nothing. There are some minor issues that they would rather get cash at closing (about$1000), but they still want the house! Huge sigh of relief. The night of the inspection I was picking up the house and walking around looking for 4 hours worth of issues, and nothing was coming up, so I let it go, and distracted myself until I heard from my realtor.

Now on to the house that we want to buy. There were some big issues, completely fixable, but more than likely pretty costly. The downstairs heating and cooling did not work at all and the pool mechanics were not properly elevated/grounded for safety. There were more little things, but no deal breakers and nothing that would make us walk away from the house. We are meeting with the realtor tonight to go over the inspection report item by item with our must have fixed, would like to have fixed, and will live without being fixed and fix on our own. I am pretty sure that we are going to press the issue that we want them to fix it, rather than give us money, because we only have 48 hours to leave our home once we take possession of the new home, and I am not moving into a house with no air conditioning.....

So the next 4 weeks are going to include:

Packing my home up
Making arrangements for the move
Looking into getting new floors and counter tops in the new house
Going to school on Saturdays and 1 weeknight
Studying for the theatre content exam which is scheduled for Feb 24th

And well everything else I do on a daily basis....

... once again.... I just don't do anything easy.....(but I like it that way)....

4 hours

They were at my house for 4 hours...... there is not 4 hours worth of house to inspect.

Being exposed....

In about an hour and a half, total strangers will walk into my home and look at every crack and crevice looking for bad things that we didn't take care of or neglected.

Now I am perfectly aware that this is not the sole pupose of a home inspection for the house we currently own, but that is the way that I feel. I feel like people I do not know are coming in to look at my dirty laundry and judge me. I live in a world of very well kept facades.... the outside of the drawers look perfectly acceptable, but don't you dare open them, because who knows what will spring out at you like a jack-in-the-box.

This is something I want to change... this is something that I do not want to bring into my new home, my new life, my new me. I want to purge. I want to let go. I want to use my energy towards a forward momentum not covering up or cleaning past mistakes or laziness.

Over the Hill to Grandma's house....

Well.... we are officially off and running.

We accepted an offer on our house, we made an offer on another house and it was accepted. The house is literally a hop, skip and jump away from my mother, which we are very happy about.

I am so excited and terrified all at the same time. Our house is being inspected tomorrow, I need to make an appointment to have an inspector look at the new house.

I can't concentrate right now..... I am somewhere between flying high and wanting to throw up....

Passing out now.....

We just got 2 offers on our house....

I hear you.....

Our house has been on the market for less than a week....

We have received 3 appointments to show - the first of which has already requested a follow-up and possible offer.....

I have no house to move to.....

I may very well be homeless on a whim.....

All of this could cause me to crawl into my crowded walk in closet and scream, but it isn't. I am going with the flow.

And I received a message... from the very last person I would seek counsel from. Having no knowledge of any of my plans, from moving, going to school and looking for a teaching job, my mother's business partner had a dream about me. She is a very religious person and she acknowledges/differentiates between when her dreams are just dreams and when they are prophetic or sending a message.

She called my mom and said she needed to talk to me - it was very important. She explained her dream and my mom said she was stunned silent. My mother called me and told me I had to talk to her.... and would give me no further information.

When I finally spoke with her, she said, "I know what I am about to tell you is important, so don't tell me anything until I have told you everything." The dream was about me selling my house and moving, and a man she didn't know (who was illuminating) explaining to her that she was going to get some news that was going to be very sad for her but it was good news. He explained to her that there were gifts in the office and he had to move them to where he needed them for a bigger purpose.

I burst into tears. I believe God sent an angel to her with this message. I told her about us wanting to move and the fact that we just put the house on the market this weekend. I did not explain to her my plans to leave the company and start teaching. I don't want to tell her over the phone, and I do not have the courage or the words to express it just yet.

But let me make this very clear....



Dear God,

I hear you.... I thank you...I trust you....I do not question you.....

....I hear you.....

Love,
me

Designed to Sell

Oh, good golly, Miss Molly....


There is a "FOR SALE" sign in our front yard.


Let me just a take a moment to absorb that again....


There is a "FOR SALE" sign in my front yard.


My hubby and I did some major talking over the past few weeks. We have played polar opposites over and over, switching sides just to make sure we each got a turn to get excited and panic all at the same time.

I personally have lived with the self inflicted theory that we were not able to move and that we would never be able to move from the house that we currently occupy. We would never have the money, the opportunity, the whatever ugly thoughts I fed my psyche. I was not worth anything better, so I better make the best of what I have.
I was pretty good at fooling myself into submission.

Then I found something that I could love and took a leap of faith, did my usual research and found out.. yeah... we could get something better. But then it fell through and I got upset and started feeding the psyche it's usual chocolate covered ugliness.

So I stepped back, and I thought... why are you so upset? What is so disappointing about what just happened? What are you really feeling here?

I want more space.... I want to be somewhere were all our stuff fits and is accessible. I do not want to live out of bins that I continuously stack and re-stack from closet to closet to this side of the bed to that side of the bed. I acknowledge that some of this stuff needs to be purged, but most of it doesn't... I don't want to have to get rid of things that I want to keep just because I don't have room for them.

I want a bathroom... a real bathroom... NOT an attached closet that they hooked up a shitter, sink, and shower. I want a real bath tub that I can immerse my entire body into, light candles, turn on music and shut the door. I want to continue to sleep when my husband wakes up and gets ready for his day.

I want to be closer to stuff... I want options... I want a choice... I do not want all my decisions to be based on the fact that there is nothing close by so we have no choice. I want my children to understand that not every store is called WALMART.

I want to be closer to my family... my grandparents are about to move in with my mother and I WANT to be 2 minutes away from them so that I can help, even if it is only to bring them some milk. I want my children to know their grandmother very intimately because I never had the chance to know my grandparents other than holidays and short weekend trips. If and when I start to teach high school, we may need my mother's help when we are cutting it close to pick the kids up from school and I want it to be easy for her to make that part of her life, not stop her life.

I want a mature neighborhood. I want a neighborhood that is not made of the same 4 styles of brick over and over again with 5 foot sticks for trees. I want larger rooms on larger lots. I am willing to compromise age and a little elbow grease in order to get this. I understand it will take many years to do everything we would like to do, but I am okay with that as long as I have the shell. Of course I would love something brand new, but I also know that in order for all my other wishes to be granted, I would have to win the lottery or get something smaller than we are in now, and that is NOT an option.

I talked long and hard about it with Mike and we have finally come to the decision. Yes.... we want to move. There is no particular house we want right now. We have looked at several, and there are a few possibilities, but we not placing any eggs in any baskets. We are throwing our hat into the game. We have a beautiful house.. really... we have worked very hard and it is beautiful... but it is just not for us anymore.... and for those of you who know us.... you know it is not going to be long before those cute 4/2 yr olds turn into oak trees banging into our walls....

So again....


There is a "FOR SALE" sign in my front yard.

That's quite enough!

I am so sorry, blogosphere. Did not mean to have an emotional hissy fit here last week and then not return once I got my happy face back on. As I was telling a friend today, all the angst pretty much left the moment I pressed "Publish Post". I do believe there is great therapy when you throw it all out there, make it permenant in words, and release it to the the angels to carry it away into your past.

Let's just chalk last weeks temper tantrum up to nerves. I have decided to go back to school to get my alternate certification to teach theatre in high school. I am not really sure what the hell I am doing, but I know that is what I am being called to do. It is going to be a huge transition and it is going to rock me out of a comfort zone I have snuggled into for many years, but its time, and the only way out of it is through it. I have to do the work in order to reap the benefits, and so I am jumping in with both feet and praying for a lot of guidance and strength to make it through all the changes.

I hate the feeling of staring at a blank canvas, knowing I chose the canvas and the paints before me and then panicking at the thought of messing up the canvas. I put so much pressure on the the first stroke, the first decision, the first movement, that I become paralyzed. It's too big, it's too overwhelming, and the possibility of error and failure loom like a black cloud around me. And then Jiminey Cricket jumps on my shoulder and reminds me that I just have to try, I just have to take one small step at a time and leave myself open to change. GO WITH THE FLOW....

But what if the flow is wrong?
....GO WITH THE FLOW....
But what if I make a mistake?
....GO WITH THE FLOW....
How am I going to do this or that?
....GO WITH THE FLOW....

So that's what I am doing, I am going with the flow and trusting the current rather than fighting it. When I come across some some choppy waters that make me unconfortable, I trust the flow rather than fight it. Don't get me wrong, I am educating myself on how to paddle and what I am expected to do in the boat and seeking counsel from guides who have done this before, but I am trying to be open to the experience and enjoy the ride.

Happy New Year Blues....

Man, I can be dark. I mean dark. I am trying real hard to pretend it is not dark in here, but it is dark. I do this every year. Post holiday crash. But this year is a doozy. I dropped my basket even before the New Year struck 12:00. This holiday was full, but no more so than any other year. Not having my dad here was shockingly tough this year, and hit me out of left field. This is the 3rd Christmas without him. The first year is supposed to be bad, the second year you focus on "new traditions" and then this year - BAM - oh no he REALLY is never coming back.

I feel like my pendulum back and forth was swinging on a shorter string this year with quick swift jerks from highs to lows.

I made a decision to change a bunch of postions in my department at work and it came with much more animosity than I expected. I had another throw down with my mother's partner at work because my tolerance of her choices and justifications has become very short.

But - I took vacation between Christmas and New Years. I needed a break, I deserved a break. Tiff (my "might as well be my sister we have been so close for so long") was in town from VA and I was going to spend some time with her and all that side of my extended family.

Christmas eve night, my husband, my mother, my kids and I all piled in the car and went to look at Christmas lights - mom says - turn down this street - there is a house here that has been on the market for a while - you guys should buy it. Turns out it is beautiful, dirt cheap for the neighborhood, and huge. Mom knows the realtor, so she calls her a couple of days later and we go look at the house. I make calls to our mortgage company and find out that bascially our mortgage would only go up about $100. We make an offer - on a house that has not had 1 offer in 6 months - and the day we make an offer, another offer is made and it's better than ours. Oh well, right? Well.... in that short 6 day window a lot of hopes and dreams and possibilities were made and smashed quickly. This house represented one of those times when we could kind of break through a wall and end up somewhere that in any other circumstance would be completely out of our reach. It was like being invited to the cool kids party, spending a lot of time getting pretty and then having them laugh and slam the door in your face the moment you ring the door bell and ask for admittance.

I did a lot of cleaning this week - mostly becuase I was having people over for dinner, but also because I wanted to be prepared in case we did put our house on the market. It felt really good to clean so intensely - I mean floor boards, cleaning the carept and upholstery, and painting the grout in the tile kind of cleaning. and yet at the same time, it made me so mad at myself that I live my life day to day, making choices that require me to work so hard, just to get the appearance of my home back to normal.

Everyday I juggled my "vacation" with my boys, Tiff & crew, looking into a busted dream, and cleaning until 2:00 in the morning, only to wake up early and do it all again. I had a momentum keeping me going...extra hugs and kisses throughout the day from my boys, a possible dream, incredibly wonderful times and conversation with the Smiths, and looking forward to having friends over for dinner and drinks.

And then Dec 31st came - it all stopped - my holiday world hit the cold hard wall of reality. The party was over, we lost the house, and I had to say goodbye to Tiff. I had to put the holiday decorations away and go back to a job I hate... and I am 10 times more exhausted than I was when I left work the week before.

I feel the bottom of the well on my feet. The rock bottom. And I have great solice in that feeling even though right now I am crying one of those crys that comes so hard and deep. I even know the steps I need to take to start climbing up the walls of the well towards the light, but I am so tired right now that I cannot find the energy to place my hands on the ladder...but I will.

..maybe not tonight.. or even tomorrow... but I will.

Merry Christmas!

May your family be close...
May your stockings be full...
May your hugs be warm...
May your hearts be full....
May your smiles light the room...

May your wishes come true.....

May your Christmas be blessed!

Christmas...BAM!!

So I made a bunch of holiday cookies this year. The other night, it was time to ice the cut out Christmas cookies. The entire time I made the cookies, Max was determined he needed to help me. Every 5 minutes he would walk into the kitchen..."Did you call me mommy? Did you say my name? Mommy do you need my help?" I promised him I would let him know when I needed his help and sent him off to play.

Well... now was his time to help. And he took it soooo seriously. He got is chair, arranged his sprinkles, cleaned up the area he was going to work in. I sat next to him. He would pick the cookie shape, tell me which color to ice it with and then he would decorate the cookie. When he was done he would present me the cookie and say, "Is it bootiful, mommy? You like it?" to which I would always reply..."Oh baby, that one is perfect!"

Ben - on the other hand - had a different approach to the cookies. He wandered up to the table and saw what Max and I were up to and wanted to join in on the fun. SO we made some room and called for Daddy to come help as well. Only after decorating the cookie, he would present it to me then take a bite out of each cookie.

Well Daddy thought it would be so great to teach the kids to decorate like that "Cooking guy" (Emeril). "You gotta do this....(he grabs some sprinkles and throws them on the cookies)... BAM!!" Of course the boys squealed with excitement.... and started throwing sprinkles E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E......

...the cookies turned out great...wish I could say as much for my kitchen.

I'm trying

I'm REALLY trying.
I'm walking into stores, even putting things into baskets, but then I give up, abandon the gifts and walk out empty handed.
...Christmas is 14 days away.... I wish there really was a Santa so I wouldn't have to shop.

Happy Birthday, Ben!

My Dearest, Benjamin,

It's just NOT possible. It is just not possible that it has been 2 years since you came into our lives. And at the same time, it is not possible that it has only been 2 years since you came into our lives.

I feel like I have known you my whole life. I cannot imagine what my life was like without you in it. You bring so much love, happiness, and laughter into our family. You have the biggest smile, the biggest laugh, and the biggest cry of anyone in our house.

You have become such a big boy in the past few months. You are tossing your toddler britches off and desperately trying to make your big boy pants fit, even though you are not quite there yet. You want so much to be able to do what your brother, Max, can do, and you melt into pieces when your shorter legs and arms won't mimic what your brother's arms and legs do. You are confident you can fly, you just haven't had enough practice yet. You know you are winning the video games that are playing on the TV (but you haven't yet figured out that we didn't connect your controller). You are certain that YOUR version of the books that you "read" to us is better than what is written on the page, even though the only part we can clearly figure out is your emphatic, "DE END!" as you slam the book closed and run for the next book. You have to try to do everything buy yourself first, but you are willing to let us help once you have confirmed to yourself first that we might be of assistance to you.

You love to dance, you love to run, and you love to be "NA-KED!" that you exclaim and sing as you wiggle your naked little toosh all the way to splash time (bath time). You eat with passion and paint the 3 foot radius around you with whatever you are eating. If I had to pick a cartoon character to compare you to, it would be Garfield... you love to make a mess, you have the most mischievious smile, and you love PASTA!

You love to be "ousside". You play hard at whatever you do. You also love to sit back and snuggle. You love the movie "Cars" and your favorite is Mater. Your favorite part is when all the cars go cruising down Mainstreet to "Life would be a dream, sweetheart".. at which point you jump to your feet and start rocking side to side dancing.

Thank you, my sweet angel. Thank you for being a constant blessing in our lives.

I love you more than the stars in the sky!


Love,
Mommy

Ti-red

Full.... very full.... good full.... happy full... but full.
That was my life this weekend.

Friday - my assistant called out with the flu on the busiest day of the week, during the busiest time of our year, and on a day that I was hoping to leave early to prepare for one of the busiest weekends of the season.

Friday night, make it home late, throw my hair in curlers, make a 45 minute trip to my sister's to drop my kids off. Finish getting ready at her house, rather than obtaining the latest Oprah curl hairstyle, I walk out with a Darryl Hannah from Splash type hairdo and travel over an hour to a party we are 2 1/2 hrs late for.... walk into the party and am welcomed from behind by "Todd Steven" (the husband half of the hosts) who grabs my hair in his fist and greets me with "S-e-x-y hair bi-ah-tch"... which was the effect I was going for in the first place. Drank too much orange vodka before even tasting the first food since 12:00 lunch and made it home and in bed by 2:00.
Saturday - Woke up around 8:30 to husband browning the meat for the sauce for the party WE are catering that evening. Ate a bowl of cherrios (which would be the last time I would sit down until 10:00 that night) and headed off to Walmart for last minute things. Made a menu (between, Mike, myself, my mother and Sam's wholesale club) that consisted of the following:

Drinks:
Sangria, Wassail, Coffee, Sodas, Wine, Beer

Appetizers:
Shrimp cocktail, Cheese cubes, Chex Mix, Peanuts, Pretzels

Main Menu:
Green Salad, Spinich Lasagna Rolls, Cheese and Chicken tortellini in an alfredo sauce with ham and peas, sausage & peppers, greens beans with bacon, onion & mushrooms, garlic bread

Dessert:
Cheesecakes, various cookies

It was wonderful, but by the end of the evening my body was literally cramping from exhaustion.

Sunday - 10:30.... my wonderful, amazing, beautiful, sent from heaven above children.... slept until 10:30...we were lazy until lunch time when my 2 year old, Ben, stood up, turned the TV off, placed his hands on his hips and said...
"I wan... I wanna.. ousside!"
"You want to go outside?"
"YES!"
So we went outside and put up all the Christmas decorations on the house. It was about time... I was pretty sure my 4 yr old, Max, was going to blow a gasket every car trip home when he passed other houses and said, " Mommy... we have to put Christmas out... SANTA IS COMING!!!" We went to get dinner while daddy finished up outside and I said tonight would be a great night to put a fire in the fireplace and he said, "Oh, NO!!! Santa will catch fire!" After assuring him that TONIGHT was not the night that Santa would be arriving, we lit the fire, had a picnic in the living room and watched a movie....

... and now I am so tired I want to throw up....

...It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....