Monday, March 22, 2010

Thank you, Life....

So we had the talk last night.


THE talk.

With my boys... 7 and 5 yrs old.

I didn't WANT to have THE talk. I wasn't prepared to have THE talk. And thanks to my children's incredible ability to absorb, interpret, and regurgitate information, I wasn't able to sugar coat it with Mommy's and Daddy's love each other very much, they hug, and Tinkerbell appears shaking magic fairy dust, and God puts a baby in the mommy's tummy.... nope, not my kids.

So we are watching the new series "Life" on Discovery last night.
It is beautiful. The images are amazing and the facts are educational... maybe a little too amazing and educational. At one point they are talking about snakes. They are talking about how in Canada they hibernate below the freeze line and then they come up in Spring and lay around in a huge ball in the sun to stay warm because they are cold blooded creatures, blah blah blah... and all this happens before the mating season.

Well, I was looking down when all of a sudden I hear Max, "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"
I look up and they are back to the snake pile. So I start talking about the cold blooded thing and how they have to snuggle to stay warm - and both of the boys start shaking their heads in this, nah nah nah nah, woman - that ain't what we are talking about way. I see Mike sitting behind them waving his arms in the air, like, uhm, no - you didn't see what we just saw. So what does this mother do in today's modern technology world? She reverses the DVR... Mike slaps his head. And then I see the 5 second shot - the mating shot.
Both of the boys simultaneously scream - "THAT!!! THAT RIGHT THERE!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?"
Well, (sigh....breath) that is a snake penis.
Ben adds - "He is stabbing him in the stomach!!!"
Uhm - no, he is not stabbing him in the stomach - they are making baby snakes.
You have to STAB each other to make babies?!?!
No - there is a hole there.
A HOLE?!?!?!
(Dear God, please help me)
Yes, a hole - remember how I told you that girls don't have a penis?
Yeah... but there is a hole?!?!
Yes (God help me, please stop asking questions)
And the baby goes in there?
Well, yes - it is different in all kinds of animals - sometimes it is an egg that the mommy sits on until the babies are born or sometimes the babies grow in the mommy's tummy and comes out later.
How does it come out of the hole?!?!
The hole gets bigger.
(Max)Oh, I know, I know, - it is like snakes when they eat, they can open their mouths up really big to fit stuff
(Ben) or crocodiles (shows me with his hands) only it is backwards - something is coming out, not going in.
Does it hurt?
But we weren't born that way?
No - Mommy was sick - and the doctor had to go in through mommy's tummy and get you out, but most babies are born the other way.
Did it hurt?
No the doctor gave me medicine, so I didn't feel it.
Okay ....

Back to the show.

I look over at Mike with huge saucer eyes.... I sooooo didn't think I would be having THAT talk this soon.