Wednesday, October 31, 2007

May the Force be with you this Halloween!

Is it just me or does my Darth Vader look like Rick Moranis in Space Balls?

Anyhoo, usually Halloween is a very big deal around our house. Lots of decorations and spookiness are added to the decor of our house, but for some reason, we never got our act together this year. There was always something else to do or we just didn't have the energy to drag all the decorations down and think of how/where to place them in the new house.

The halloween costumes were quite the ordeal. A month ago, we were all about Max being a pilot, Ben being Super Man. When we got to Walmart last week, they had no pilot for Max and Ben turned into Spiderman. Well, we then moved to party city where Max begged to be Optimus Prime (Transformer), so much so, that he left and went to the counter to tell the nice lady to get the costume for him. Well, the costume was $40.00 and I don't care how much we like Halloween at our house, I am NOT paying $40 for a 4 yr olds halloween costume. Then the waves parted and Ben saw Darth Vader.... since Ben was Darth Vader, then Max decided he wanted to be a Storm Trooper. The first time Ben put on his Darth Vader mask he started breathing the Darth Vader voice, "Krsch, kah" and said, " I am your fahdah!" I nearly fell over.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Moonlight in Vermont

So, we are back. We got back last week, but to be honest, it was a tough trip and I am not sure that we have recovered yet. It was a very difficult trip in that it was sudden, it was far, and it had a lot of ups and downs. As you can see from the pics I have included here, we were in Vermont at the most beautiful time of year. We flew into Hartford, CT and drove 2 hours through Massachusetts and then up to Vermont. The views up and down the mountains were truly breath taking. Mike and I talked the entire way there. We didn't even turn the radio on. We joked about how this was our first date this year.

Mike's mom had passed away before we ever left home. I was worried that this was going to bother him, but it didn't. Unfortunately, we have been around a few situations were the people were in commas or unconscious (clearly gone to a better place even though the body was still here) and I think he knew that his mother was already gone. There were several times when in my dramatic flare, I was ready to race him to the airport and throw him on the next flight up there to be at her side, but I think he took the more reserved approach. I think he needed to mentally prepare himself for this very final chapter. I think he was anxious to see certain members of his family that he had not seen in a very long time, but in the end, it was wonderful to see all of them. Even though it was a sad event, there was a very good feeling surrounding it.

So I think I need to clarify some things for those of you who perhaps come here often and read the goings on in my life.... in particular, the post about "the darkness". No one commented here, but I got several comments in real life and I think I need to clarify the emotional stream of consciousness.

I have to be vague, because, well, I have to. But, let me say that... I AM NOT ON ANY LEDGES OR LOOKING FOR AN EXCESS OF PILLS TO END MY MISERY. To be honest, I am not in any misery. What I was trying to say, which apparently got lost in the translation, was I am very tired of running into the burning building trying to save people then getting burned in the end. This is a pattern that repeats itself in my life and I am so very very tired of it. I am tired of being the "go to person", then being yelled at for knowing too much information. Don't scream at me, "Who asked you?" when in fact it was you who asked. Don't ask me to fix it things then get mad if it is done my way and in my time... I am tired of having too many lists and my priorities are not on any of them.

Case in point: I was going to go to work last week after we got home, and I was dressed, dropped the kids at school and when I got in the car, I just lost it. I just cried and cried and cried. It was the first silence I had heard in a long time and my emotional tank was empty. I called my mother, dripping in guilt, and said, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't make it into the office. I could not handle calls from pissed off nurses, patients, or staff members. I went home with plans to do laundry and clean my house and do laundry and I couldn't find the energy to do any of it. I had allowed myself to bring my energy level down to below empty.

Oh, there is so much more to get into but I am rambling and editing and rambling and editing, so it is time to end it for now.

But I promise... for those of you out there that were worried... I am fine... well... I am going to be fine, I just need some time.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


Call it premonition. Call it lousy timing... Call it what you will but the darkness just shifted and was given a name.

This morning after 3 rapid phone calls in succession on my cell phone, I finally get to it and answer it to find my husband very upset. His mother was found unresponsive at her assisted living facility and was currently being rushed to the ER. Turns out she had a massive stoke in the night some time, aspirated, and currently has massive bleeding in the brain. She is in a small town and the only options were to try to transfer her 2 hours to a major city and try a risky surgery that more than likely would not work, or just make her comfortable. My sister-in-law made the bravest and most difficult decision to go with the latter. It is unlikey she will make it for long as they have not intubated her and the active bleed is continuing to cause major pressure which will eventually lead to... well....

Mike and I will be leaving first thing in the morning. It is the first time he has seen his family in 5-6 years... some even longer. He is doing really well. We all knew it was going to be this way eventually, we are just really mad we were right. We were hoping this woman, who is way too young to be dealing with the health issues that she did, would magically turn around and change her life, but sadly, that is not the ending of this story.

I ache for my husband. I ache for the fact that he has lost both of his parents.. in almost mirror situations.... before he has turned 40. I ache for my sister-in-law who for way too long has had way too much on her plate with the responsibility and care of her mother. I ache for my brother-in-law who has the biggest heart and held the treasured position as his mother's beloved baby of the family.

I gotta go pack... this is going to be a long weekend.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I miss this

I miss this... I miss coming here more often and dribble drabble and thinking things through and being pissy and being happy and telling funny things that happened on the way to being a family.

It has been very dark lately. Very very dark. I wish I had an evil source that I could point my finger to and say, "it's all because of YOU" but the only common source in it all is me...and who wants to point a finger at themselves and call them evil. I surely don't. I know I am not evil.... I have evil thoughts, but .. oh that's a different post.

The darkness.. back to the darkness. I have tried to dress it up, ignore it, embrace it, face it.. but the thing about darkness is that it surrounds you and makes you lose your bearings. It is hard to feel stable when you can't see anything around you. And it just makes you want to sleep, or make things up. Because when you can't see things, you think you can see things that aren't really there.

I thought maybe the darkness was coming as part of the whole dealing with dad's death thing. I signed the family up to walk in a charity Light the Night walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This has required me to bring up dad, write about dad, find pics of him and email friends and family about him and ask for their help to honor him. Okay.. maybe this contributes... but no... not really... at least not all of it....

I am not doing what I wanted to be doing, okay fine, get over it.
I am in that part of young family life where sacrifices have to be made for the better good... okay fine.. this too shall pass.
I don't want to talk about it.. then shut up.

I told my mother the other day, I was at this point that I looked around at the world around me, and other than warning people not to run with scissors, I just don't give a damn what you do. I have no interest in fighting you anymore. I have no interest in policing the activities that you do. I have no interest in correcting you or listening to you. You have no consideration for me and you have no intention of ever changing your ways, and I am tired... I AM TIRED... of confrontation... so I give up. I give you the rope... go hang yourself. I do not wish to play this game anymore, so I am putting down my ball and glove and walking off the field. Good luck to you all, but ... me... I am done.

Maybe this is a mourning that you can't blame on a death that goes into the ground in a pretty box. Maybe this is a mourning of a person I have played for 32 years and she really is dead, and I have to mourn that fighting spirit, that passionate bull headed person who won every debate and saved all the world's problems but her own. Because she... well.. she has left the building.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Thank You, Fall.....

Thank you for finally getting here. I tolerate the rest of the year just to enjoy these blessed months from October through December. The colors, the weather, the excuse to decorate, cook, make plans. It helps that I decorate my house in these colors year round, so when this time of year comes, it just feels right. I start to get excited around the time school starts because I know you are almost here!

I got a great head start to ideas for your arrival last weekend. My sister and I kidnapped my mother for a surprise trip to the hill country for her 60th birthday. The leaves were not turning, but all the shops we toured on the adorable main street were all decked out and gorgeous in the rich hues I long for this time of year. We stayed in the most wonderful 100 yr old house right off of main street. It was so perfect. The weather was amazing. The food was great, we even hit a couple of wineries. It could not have been more perfect. Mom was so surprised, it took her a while to absorb it all.

I am pretty sure you are gonna kill my husband though.... the leaves... which are beautiful... have already started to fall in our our pool....lots of them! This is our first experience with you, Fall, and our new backyard/pool. We have a beautiful tree that has these itty bitty yellow blooms that apparently only bloom in Fall and they are gorgeous... they blanket the pool...which from an outside observer (me), it is quite breathtaking, but for the new cabana boy (my husband), it is cause for some very creative expletives.

It is now time to get out the Halloween decorations, buy the boys costumes, consider birthday party plans for the boys, look forward to the arrival of a new baby (Tiff's baby - not me this year), and think about how I am going to decorate the new house for Christmas!!

And a happy blogoversary to me.... happily (and sometimes not so happily) blah blah blahging since 2004.

Woo Hoo!!!... FALL!!!!... love it!!!!... love it!!!!....LOVE IT!!!!