Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I miss this

I miss this... I miss coming here more often and dribble drabble and thinking things through and being pissy and being happy and telling funny things that happened on the way to being a family.

It has been very dark lately. Very very dark. I wish I had an evil source that I could point my finger to and say, "it's all because of YOU" but the only common source in it all is me...and who wants to point a finger at themselves and call them evil. I surely don't. I know I am not evil.... I have evil thoughts, but .. oh that's a different post.

The darkness.. back to the darkness. I have tried to dress it up, ignore it, embrace it, face it.. but the thing about darkness is that it surrounds you and makes you lose your bearings. It is hard to feel stable when you can't see anything around you. And it just makes you want to sleep, or make things up. Because when you can't see things, you think you can see things that aren't really there.

I thought maybe the darkness was coming as part of the whole dealing with dad's death thing. I signed the family up to walk in a charity Light the Night walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This has required me to bring up dad, write about dad, find pics of him and email friends and family about him and ask for their help to honor him. Okay.. maybe this contributes... but no... not really... at least not all of it....

I am not doing what I wanted to be doing, okay fine, get over it.
I am in that part of young family life where sacrifices have to be made for the better good... okay fine.. this too shall pass.
I don't want to talk about it.. then shut up.

I told my mother the other day, I was at this point that I looked around at the world around me, and other than warning people not to run with scissors, I just don't give a damn what you do. I have no interest in fighting you anymore. I have no interest in policing the activities that you do. I have no interest in correcting you or listening to you. You have no consideration for me and you have no intention of ever changing your ways, and I am tired... I AM TIRED... of confrontation... so I give up. I give you the rope... go hang yourself. I do not wish to play this game anymore, so I am putting down my ball and glove and walking off the field. Good luck to you all, but ... me... I am done.

Maybe this is a mourning that you can't blame on a death that goes into the ground in a pretty box. Maybe this is a mourning of a person I have played for 32 years and she really is dead, and I have to mourn that fighting spirit, that passionate bull headed person who won every debate and saved all the world's problems but her own. Because she... well.. she has left the building.

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