Monday, February 27, 2006


Why when you ask someone for their number the say:

"888-555-2485, but the best number to reach me at is (blah, blah, blah...)"

Why the hell did you not give me that number in the 1st place....

Walk of the Penguins

Did I pick the wrong movie? Was there a different title to the cute little movie that they advertised as the family sleeper of the year? Ya know the commercial... the kids and parents in the movie theater exiting from seeing the "cutest film ever" and waddling around looking like over-stuffed carnival dolls?

Cause that was NOT the movie I put on for me and my family Friday night!

The movie I saw had Morgan Freeman narrating a film about penguins anguish and how often "most will not make it" with horrible shots of eggs freezing while penguins looked on, adult penguins dying for the cold, mommy and daddy penguins who "are literally starving", baby penguins being attacked by birds of prey, and some of the ones who survived that freezing on the snow because of the mother of all blizzards", mothers so depressed from their loss they tried to steal other babies and the mad rush attack from the other mother penguins who are "not going to let that happen".

It was like the "Shawshank Redemption" of animal documentaries....

... Don't worry, angel.... those penguins are just so sleepy from the cold they laid down to take a long nap.......

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Because it's Friday

I was gonna write some big deep blog about nothingness and got side tracked reading led to blog which led to this:

Ya just gotta add this one to your blogroll....well.. maybe not Kyle...
it may be way too cute overload for him.....He might enjoy this version at Angry Love

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Oh my goodness.....

I MUST have this....scroll to the bottom and watch the trailer....

Are you surfing the waves of memories one song from our youth can create?

No wonder I expect only the best when it comes to entertainment...Bill Cosby, Morgan Freeman, Rita Moreno, Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder... these are the people that brought us our educational TV!!!!

How FRIGGIN cool!

Cruel and unusual punishment

I am going to a darker side right now, but I am about to vomit after reading about the temporary delay in the execution of a man in California. Apparently there was a court order that anesthesiologists be present in case the prisoner appeared to be in pain during the execution and intervene with sedation. The defense lawyers said that it would be cruel and unusual punishment if this raping murderer woke up during the process of the execution and felt the pain of his heart stopping.
I am pretty sure there was no judge, no lawyers and no court procedings about the 17 year old girl's pain when she was being raped and murdered.....

Monday, February 20, 2006

Late night Love conversations

Apparently Ben fell asleep last night while talking to his girlfriend. I checked on him right before going to bed. He was laying on his side with his play Elmo phone resting on his ear.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Hubby's hobby has taken over.....

Trains, trains, and more trains.....

The hubby and my boys are crazy for trains. Everyone (including little red thanks to Aunt Tiff and Uncle Shaun ) has their own train set. They range from the Hogwart's Express to 3 storage bins of Geo Trax. One day I am sure that I am going to walk into the house and it will be one huge series of train tracks all entertwined amongst themselves and all over my house.

Until then, hopefully he can be satisfied with taking pictures and publishing them on his new blog:

Please forgive his inability to spell.... I love him anyway.....

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I did it

So ... I did it...
It took me three years and the grace of God, but I did it.
I stood up to someone and said my peace in it's entirety. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I was sitting in a meeting and I just couldn't stand it any longer. It was one of those moments when you know you are about to open the flood gates, cross a line, go to that point of no return and you amaze yourself that you have opened your mouth and the words coming out are the ones that you have rattled in your brain for what seems like forever. It was one of those times when you openly acknowledge to yourself that you are opening yourself up to the firing range and you are probably going to stand there alone, but you have to say what you have to say or you will explode under the self inflicted pressure.
So I did it... I let it all go... I could not let her beat down the people in the room any longer. I see her week after week stealing the life out of our employees and I could not let them sit there in fear of her any longer. When the words started flowing, I slowly saw the other employees who normally sit through this weekly meeting staring at the table and praying that she doesn't call on them, suddenly lift their heads and slowly shake in agreement with the words that were coming out of my mouth. She tried to spin my words to be in her favor, but I wouldn't allow it.. I had come this far...I stuck my neck out so I might as well say everything before she cuts it off.
One of the employees was so relieved that she found the courage to stand beside me and thank me for standing up for them. Everyone slowly came to this silent solidarity. We know the problems, we know it is all wrong... we didn't need her to voice it in a meeting, yell at people in front of other employees, demand change then walk out with no solutions.
The meeting was adjourned... she left the office.. I knew this was not over.. but I was finally ready to lay my cards on the table and play the hand to the end. She came back and went straight into my mother's office, slammed the door and began to yell at my mother. I could hear her through the wall since my office shares the same wall. I heard her voice, but I did not hear my mother's. Next thing I know she is standing at my door and points angrily to my mother's door, which of course was the "parent's" way of caling the "child" into mom and dad's room for punishment.
She sat down, and I sat down and turned my chair to face her directly. She looked at my mother, and my mother told her that this was between her and me and if she wanted me in here, she needed to talk to me. At one point in her rant my mother starts to interrupt her and stand up for me and I quickly jumped in and said, "I am listening to every word she says, and I respect her enough to let her finish completely before responding and I will in turn ask for the same respect when it is my turn to speak." My mother quietly sat back in the realization that I am ready to enter this battle alone.
When she was done, I started to speak... she very quickly started interrupting my comments and I reminded her that I had respected her words, and I asked that she respect mine. She sat back and crossed her arms and legs.
Behind those closed doors, I finally found my foundation. I advised her that I cannot change how she perceived what happened in that conference room today. I was not putting her down, I was standing up for the employees. I reminded her that she is ONE of the owners of this company, not my parent, and I will not be told what I can and cannot say or what I can question or cannot question. I told her that the overall mood of this company was very negative and telling people what a poor job they were doing was not helping to fix our crisis. I said much more, and willingly admit that in the heat of the conversation, I crossed lines when I shouldn't have, but the majority of my words were clear and resolute. I hoped that she would take the time to hear my words and pray about what I have said (she is a VERY religiuos person).
I know she heard me... I do not think her ego will allow her to acknowledge that fact... but that's okay. I didn't need her to hear the words as much as I needed to say them. I know it will be very difficult to work with her and her family for awhile, but I never really cared what they thought in the first place. This is my mother's sweat and tears... this is my mother's sacrifice.. it is my will to make it the best company it can be so that when the time comes and my mother is ready, it will pull the best profit possible for her retirement.
My mother called me on the way home from work...
"....I love you more than you will ever know...."
"No, mom... I love YOU more than you will ever know...."
Standing up has never felt so good.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

What the hell....

They had months ...YEARS... to plan... there were meetings and lots of people agreed that what was produced was the most amazing Italian spectacular ever.... these people are decendants of some of the greatest artists that ever graced the dark ages and THIS is what they came up with.....

Dancing cows
Women dressed as cows
Alpine men with flag poles up their back
Dancing trees
Anorexic mafia girl covered in sequence carrying a flag
A stadium the size of several football fields and 1 man who choreographed himself a modern ballet with a costume inspired by the cadaver exhibits...( I am just curious: was this man blowing someone on the olympic planning committee or is he the nephew of a high ranking mafia leader?)
8 famous women walking a football field for 5 minutes
American techno disco introducing muslim nations while Bob Costas and Brian Williams debate the dangerous intentions of Iran's newest president....

And I watched every minute of the 4 hours.... I have no idea why... must have been the car crash mentality ..... that and I was mentally writing this blog the entire time.....

and by the way...

Bode...put the fucking beret on....

Sunday, February 05, 2006

A new place

I am in a place that I am not sure I have ever been before. If I have been here before, it was so long ago that I do not remember what it felt like. I am not sure that it is is fair to call it what I am going to call it, but it is the only word that keeps coming to my mind.... peace... it's a Becky type peace. Not many people would come here and call it peace, but I call it peace, and since it's mine, I get to call it whatever I want.
My life has always seem to be a series of periods, events, moments of crisis, periods of recovery.
Hurry, graduate high school early. Go straight from summer school and night school into college.
House burns down, period of recovery.
Hide from childhood demons in unhealthy choices, recover from choices, deal with demons.
Start my professional life early, finish up college.
Move to New York, find myself, find husband, wedding, find out about marriage, 9-11, move home.
Deal with all the issues external and internal concerning "loss" of a dream while trying to find a new dream.
Buy a house, find out I am pregnant, find out my father has brain cancer.
Fight cancer as a family, have a baby, try to figure out what being a "mother" means.
Cancer won't go away... fight it harder... find out I am pregnant again... lose the fight with cancer...lose one of the strongest anchors in my life (both positive and negative)... have a baby.. try to figure out how to grieve and how to rejoice from both ends of the pendulum.
Just trying to remember the sequence of events is making me tired and dizzy.

But since January, I have had a bunch of little victories for myself. Things that some might shrug as common everyday occurrances, but for me they are huge. Scheduling myself, organizing thoughts, finishing projects, accomplishing goals.... reflecting on the accomplishments and enjoying the moments.
Spending time figuring out what I want, not breaking myself trying to solve others problems.
Opening my ears, not my mouth... being supportive by listening, not volunteering energy that I do not have.
Not allowing others to take my energy.
Venting... in every sense of the word... acknowledging the irrational emotion, not hiding or avoiding, but releasing, re-evaluating, learning and moving on.

I didn't have a great "aha" moment. I cannot tell you why today it's okay and last week it was not. I can just tell you that I am aware of it as if my life is enjoying the most beautiful crystal clear day that every existed.

It's not perfect, it's still messy, it's still beautiful, it's still hard, it's still everything... it's just clear... and it's peaceful.. it's big deep full breaths of the best air I have ever had the pleasure of inhaling.

Friday, February 03, 2006

For women only

I am pretty sure that my body is punishing me for not fertilizing this egg....

To those of you in sales.....

Let us just begin this post by saying, I am not a salesperson... I have never been a sales person... I could never be a sales person. I have been on the other side of sales for a lot of my working life.

Let me start by asking a question.... do you really accomplish selling anything by "popping by", calling daily, emailing constantly and over all harrassing the would be customers that you are persuing? Do you really think that I WANT to engage in business relationship with someone who is constantly inmy face?

My next question is... do you actually know anything about that which you are marketing? What it is that I do? How the answers to the two previous questions compare?

AND LASTLY.... do NOT show up with your executives at my door and ask for me to to praise you in front of them because THAT is NOT going to happen......

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bitter Bitter Bee....

I would like to forwarn everyone that it is probably best to keep a safe distance from this extremely bitter bitter bee....

There is an amount of rage and pissiness that I am experienceing right now that even shocks myself. I am having tolerance issues, I am in a constant state of internal monologue-ing coming up with incredible speeches to spew at any given time.. I am almost daring people to spark my fire just to see how high my flame really can go....

I am tired of coming across the same bullshit... over and over and over....

I am praying for the lesson... I am begging for the light... I am looking for the patience.

I am asking myself the questions, I am counting to 10 hoping for my moment of clarity with a deep breath and lower blood pressure.

I am pretty sure all will resolve when I start my period......