Sunday, February 05, 2006

A new place

I am in a place that I am not sure I have ever been before. If I have been here before, it was so long ago that I do not remember what it felt like. I am not sure that it is is fair to call it what I am going to call it, but it is the only word that keeps coming to my mind.... peace... it's a Becky type peace. Not many people would come here and call it peace, but I call it peace, and since it's mine, I get to call it whatever I want.
My life has always seem to be a series of periods, events, moments of crisis, periods of recovery.
Hurry, graduate high school early. Go straight from summer school and night school into college.
House burns down, period of recovery.
Hide from childhood demons in unhealthy choices, recover from choices, deal with demons.
Start my professional life early, finish up college.
Move to New York, find myself, find husband, wedding, find out about marriage, 9-11, move home.
Deal with all the issues external and internal concerning "loss" of a dream while trying to find a new dream.
Buy a house, find out I am pregnant, find out my father has brain cancer.
Fight cancer as a family, have a baby, try to figure out what being a "mother" means.
Cancer won't go away... fight it harder... find out I am pregnant again... lose the fight with cancer...lose one of the strongest anchors in my life (both positive and negative)... have a baby.. try to figure out how to grieve and how to rejoice from both ends of the pendulum.
Just trying to remember the sequence of events is making me tired and dizzy.

But since January, I have had a bunch of little victories for myself. Things that some might shrug as common everyday occurrances, but for me they are huge. Scheduling myself, organizing thoughts, finishing projects, accomplishing goals.... reflecting on the accomplishments and enjoying the moments.
Spending time figuring out what I want, not breaking myself trying to solve others problems.
Opening my ears, not my mouth... being supportive by listening, not volunteering energy that I do not have.
Not allowing others to take my energy.
Venting... in every sense of the word... acknowledging the irrational emotion, not hiding or avoiding, but releasing, re-evaluating, learning and moving on.

I didn't have a great "aha" moment. I cannot tell you why today it's okay and last week it was not. I can just tell you that I am aware of it as if my life is enjoying the most beautiful crystal clear day that every existed.

It's not perfect, it's still messy, it's still beautiful, it's still hard, it's still everything... it's just clear... and it's peaceful.. it's big deep full breaths of the best air I have ever had the pleasure of inhaling.

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