Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Christmas!

May your family be close...
May your stockings be full...
May your hugs be warm...
May your hearts be full....
May your smiles light the room...

May your wishes come true.....

May your Christmas be blessed!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


So I made a bunch of holiday cookies this year. The other night, it was time to ice the cut out Christmas cookies. The entire time I made the cookies, Max was determined he needed to help me. Every 5 minutes he would walk into the kitchen..."Did you call me mommy? Did you say my name? Mommy do you need my help?" I promised him I would let him know when I needed his help and sent him off to play.

Well... now was his time to help. And he took it soooo seriously. He got is chair, arranged his sprinkles, cleaned up the area he was going to work in. I sat next to him. He would pick the cookie shape, tell me which color to ice it with and then he would decorate the cookie. When he was done he would present me the cookie and say, "Is it bootiful, mommy? You like it?" to which I would always reply..."Oh baby, that one is perfect!"

Ben - on the other hand - had a different approach to the cookies. He wandered up to the table and saw what Max and I were up to and wanted to join in on the fun. SO we made some room and called for Daddy to come help as well. Only after decorating the cookie, he would present it to me then take a bite out of each cookie.

Well Daddy thought it would be so great to teach the kids to decorate like that "Cooking guy" (Emeril). "You gotta do this....(he grabs some sprinkles and throws them on the cookies)... BAM!!" Of course the boys squealed with excitement.... and started throwing sprinkles E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E......

...the cookies turned out great...wish I could say as much for my kitchen.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I'm trying

I'm REALLY trying.
I'm walking into stores, even putting things into baskets, but then I give up, abandon the gifts and walk out empty handed.
...Christmas is 14 days away.... I wish there really was a Santa so I wouldn't have to shop.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Happy Birthday, Ben!

My Dearest, Benjamin,

It's just NOT possible. It is just not possible that it has been 2 years since you came into our lives. And at the same time, it is not possible that it has only been 2 years since you came into our lives.

I feel like I have known you my whole life. I cannot imagine what my life was like without you in it. You bring so much love, happiness, and laughter into our family. You have the biggest smile, the biggest laugh, and the biggest cry of anyone in our house.

You have become such a big boy in the past few months. You are tossing your toddler britches off and desperately trying to make your big boy pants fit, even though you are not quite there yet. You want so much to be able to do what your brother, Max, can do, and you melt into pieces when your shorter legs and arms won't mimic what your brother's arms and legs do. You are confident you can fly, you just haven't had enough practice yet. You know you are winning the video games that are playing on the TV (but you haven't yet figured out that we didn't connect your controller). You are certain that YOUR version of the books that you "read" to us is better than what is written on the page, even though the only part we can clearly figure out is your emphatic, "DE END!" as you slam the book closed and run for the next book. You have to try to do everything buy yourself first, but you are willing to let us help once you have confirmed to yourself first that we might be of assistance to you.

You love to dance, you love to run, and you love to be "NA-KED!" that you exclaim and sing as you wiggle your naked little toosh all the way to splash time (bath time). You eat with passion and paint the 3 foot radius around you with whatever you are eating. If I had to pick a cartoon character to compare you to, it would be Garfield... you love to make a mess, you have the most mischievious smile, and you love PASTA!

You love to be "ousside". You play hard at whatever you do. You also love to sit back and snuggle. You love the movie "Cars" and your favorite is Mater. Your favorite part is when all the cars go cruising down Mainstreet to "Life would be a dream, sweetheart".. at which point you jump to your feet and start rocking side to side dancing.

Thank you, my sweet angel. Thank you for being a constant blessing in our lives.

I love you more than the stars in the sky!


Sunday, December 03, 2006


Full.... very full.... good full.... happy full... but full.
That was my life this weekend.

Friday - my assistant called out with the flu on the busiest day of the week, during the busiest time of our year, and on a day that I was hoping to leave early to prepare for one of the busiest weekends of the season.

Friday night, make it home late, throw my hair in curlers, make a 45 minute trip to my sister's to drop my kids off. Finish getting ready at her house, rather than obtaining the latest Oprah curl hairstyle, I walk out with a Darryl Hannah from Splash type hairdo and travel over an hour to a party we are 2 1/2 hrs late for.... walk into the party and am welcomed from behind by "Todd Steven" (the husband half of the hosts) who grabs my hair in his fist and greets me with "S-e-x-y hair bi-ah-tch"... which was the effect I was going for in the first place. Drank too much orange vodka before even tasting the first food since 12:00 lunch and made it home and in bed by 2:00.
Saturday - Woke up around 8:30 to husband browning the meat for the sauce for the party WE are catering that evening. Ate a bowl of cherrios (which would be the last time I would sit down until 10:00 that night) and headed off to Walmart for last minute things. Made a menu (between, Mike, myself, my mother and Sam's wholesale club) that consisted of the following:

Sangria, Wassail, Coffee, Sodas, Wine, Beer

Shrimp cocktail, Cheese cubes, Chex Mix, Peanuts, Pretzels

Main Menu:
Green Salad, Spinich Lasagna Rolls, Cheese and Chicken tortellini in an alfredo sauce with ham and peas, sausage & peppers, greens beans with bacon, onion & mushrooms, garlic bread

Cheesecakes, various cookies

It was wonderful, but by the end of the evening my body was literally cramping from exhaustion.

Sunday - 10:30.... my wonderful, amazing, beautiful, sent from heaven above children.... slept until 10:30...we were lazy until lunch time when my 2 year old, Ben, stood up, turned the TV off, placed his hands on his hips and said...
"I wan... I wanna.. ousside!"
"You want to go outside?"
So we went outside and put up all the Christmas decorations on the house. It was about time... I was pretty sure my 4 yr old, Max, was going to blow a gasket every car trip home when he passed other houses and said, " Mommy... we have to put Christmas out... SANTA IS COMING!!!" We went to get dinner while daddy finished up outside and I said tonight would be a great night to put a fire in the fireplace and he said, "Oh, NO!!! Santa will catch fire!" After assuring him that TONIGHT was not the night that Santa would be arriving, we lit the fire, had a picnic in the living room and watched a movie....

... and now I am so tired I want to throw up....

...It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Palm potting in the moonlight

Oh... it did it again.... put everything aside until the proverbial later, and then decide that I must make a gigantic gesture to try and rectify the situation so that I may give myself solice when it doesn't work out... and what am I referring to in that incredible long run-on sentence with big fluffy words? Well if you have hung on this long... follow me to the next paragraph.
Several months ago my sister blessed me with a ton of beautiful plants that she had obtained at a vendor show she put together for work. It was great. I would love to tell you their names but I can only some it up with 2 palms, 2 rose bushes, a bush that kinda looks like mexican heather, 2 spikey long leafy things with a big bloom out the center, and 2 roundy leafy things with blooms out the center. Great stuff. - pretty stuff - stuff I have no idea how to take care of, but they look great under my patio. She told me that I was going to have to re-pot them and I said great no problem. That was approximately 6 weeks ago. They sat in a beautiful little pile and slowly wilted day after day as I walked past them morning and night on the way to and from the car.
Now I wasn't exactly cruel. At one point they looked near death, I watered them and made a promise that the following weekend I would give them their new homes. That was about 3 weeks ago.
Well of course they were giving me the hospice look again yesterday and I knew that a big cold front with freezing temps was on the way, so I made a trip to my mother's to pick up some empty pots and headed to Walmart for some dirt... at 9 o'clock at night. Of course the garden center was closed, so I place five 40lb bags of dirt in my cart and head to the checkout. It is around this time when I realize... it's pretty quiet in the store, Mike's got the kids in bed already, and there's a couple of things I could pick up. So I proceed to (in work clothes and heels) push 200 lbs of dirt all over the mega Walmart picking up make-up, gifts, cornflakes, marshmellows and green food dye for cookies.
I get home to Mike cleaning the kitchen. I take a few bites of the dinner he is currently cleaning up and head to the bedroom. I return with grungy clothes on and start to head out the door.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I am going to re-pot my plants…”
“It’s after 10:30?!?!”
“I am NOT going to lose those plants… they are worth a lot of money and it is supposed to freeze tomorrow night”
“WHAT THE….. whatever.”
“Are you coming?”
“I am cleaning the kitchen. I am going to clean the kitchen. I am going to finish the list of things I started today and I am not moving until I finish them.”
“Okay…I’ll start without you”
It is the last sentence that could very well have ended my marriage last night, but it didn’t. About 15 minutes later he wanders outside, pissy but willing. He gets his powerful light he uses in attics for work and proceeds to help me hoist 200 lbs of dirt into pots to save dead plants.

I love that man

We get it done, he cleans up and heads to the door and I turn in the opposite direction.

“What the hell are you doing now?”

“I’ve got to water them….”



Monday, November 20, 2006

That's enough......

So I had a very full weekend. Up late on Saturday working on my friend Allison's drapes (they turned out gorgeous) and Sunday helped my mom prepare her house for my grandparents arrival this week. Very long hours but worth it.
This morning our ritual began as all mornings. Mike brought the boys into my bed to wake them/me up with some snuggle time. I get up, use the restroom and feel some pain. Ah hell.... I really don't care to get a bladder infection this week... mental note, stop for a gallon of cranberry juice to flush it away. Moving on with my day.... ouch.... damnit that hurts a little... I'm gonna lay on my heating pad for a bit before I get into the shower. Kiss husband good bye... ouch... what the hell... ouch... major ouch ... okay... constant pain. Not throbbing, not waves, but constant pain, front/back, up and down, constant pain. Now I start to get scared. The pain is getting worse and worse, I am at home alone with 2 small children. I call my mother, I'm crying partly because of the pain, partly because I am scared. Mom is on the way, call husband, he is barely out of the neighborhood, turn around and comes home.
Oh God, Oh God... what is this? Am I going to make it to the hospital? Should we call an ambulence... oh my God what is this pain?!?! I haven't felt this pain since..... oh shit.... since I was 8 months pregnant and got kidney stones.
We get the kids to school and me to the ER. Signed in, was taken to a room and had and IV within 15 minutes. First round of drugs, nothing... I am dizzy and sleepy with a pain scale of 10 and vomiting. Second round of drugs finally gave me enough relief to get a CT scan. Sure enough...kidney stones. Doped me up, wished me luck and said it will pass within 2 days. Came home and slept ... all day.... at one point Mike brought me a sandwich which I thought I was awake enough to eat, but then I woke up an hour later with food in my mouth and the rest of the sandwich in my hand.....and now I am going to go sleep some more.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Happy Birthday, Max!

My dearest Max,

My baby, my first, my angel.... words will never describe my ever growing love for you. I never thought it was possible for me to possess such an undescribable love, as my love is for you.

Four years ago, you came into my life after a long hard night. You amazed everyone with your ability to hold your head up when you were only hours old. You balled yourself up like a turtle and nuzzled into your daddy's neck. You forever changed our lives in one brief moment and for that I will be forever grateful.

Three years ago, you were a man on the move. You were not quite walking yet, but you would be in a month or so. You were more interested in how toys worked, not necessarily what they did.

Two years ago, you were becoming a big brother. You were so excited. You truly believed that Mommy and Daddy made Ben just for you. It never occurred to you that you should be jealous or upset because there was a new baby in the house. You loved your new big boy bed and zoomed through the house pretending to be an airplane.

One year ago, you were shaking off your toddler years and comfortably settling into your big boy status.

This past year you have amazed me with how quickly you learn things and how you challenge yourself to do more. This is the first time when I have held my breath, stayed a few steps behind and watched you soar. Climb the tallest heights, take off on your own on playgrounds and let you stay up and watch cartoons while Daddy, Mommy and Ben take naps. You love, LOVE, L-O-V-E gymnastics, you love to dance, sing, and regularly recite the dialogue with your favorite movies. You teach me sign language, you regulary inform me of the events of the day, and are more than willing to assist me with disciplining your brother. You love to play on the computer, build things with your legos, and convince your brother to play games with YOUR rules. You go to bed reading books, and wander into my arms every morning for snuggle time before Ben wakes up. You know what you want and are not afraid to tell me - "I want bread with no skins, turkey, cheese and no white stuff (dressing)"- and with this strong mind comes very strong will which tests Mommy and Daddy's boundaries daily if not hourly.

Your hugs and kisses are unannounced and full of real emotion. Every "goodbye" comes with a hug, a kiss and a "I love you, I'll see you later, I miss you already" (which you recite with me everytime)... and every "hello" comes with excited squeals and a running hug which almost knocks me over.

You are such a big boy, you out grow your clothes in one laundry cycle. Your favorite new thing is your new boots which you would wear with everything from jeans to shorts to PJs if we let you. You still have the same beautiful red hair that you had when you were born and we cannot go anywhere in public without one person remarking at how handsome you and your brother are.....

I love you, pumpkin...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ahhhh...the holidays....

I would like to thank the many comments in recent days... it is sad that we can't all be adults and have adult conversation, but most of you were well behaved.... and I really enjoyed finding all the new blogs from new commentors!!

So I was thinking of how my holidays were stacking up and I realized that for the last 8 weeks of the year...

I will let you all ponder the horrific thought that there are only 8 MORE WEEKS LEFT TO THIS YEAR!!!.

.... and I realized that I have something significant to do each and every weekend. It made me fell abundant, tired and dizzy all at the same time.

I have found a new sign of my age is calculating the time, energy, cost of the holidays in my mind rather than getting excited about Christmas lights and holiday cheer. I can literally feel my internal checklist going into over drive.

And I do it to myself.....I completely did this to myself. I got married in November because it would be "so great" to get married at the Holidays. I had my children weeks apart in Nov-Dec because it would be "so great" to be on maternity leave for the holidays. And now, I am dealing with birthdays, anniversaries, and holiday gatherings, as the cherries and nuts on my already over flowing ice cream sundae.

It's my own "rock hard, tastes good at first, but then gives you indigestion" fruit cake every year.

And yet.... the little "it's gonna be so great" holiday elf in me just won't stop jingling those bells. My Polar Express is pulling into the station and I am off to the North Pole, people! I am dressing my internal Grinch up in bling bling and headed to all events with holiday cookies in hand and tinsle in my hair. My children will wear matching outfits and my house will ooze with holiday spirit and cheer.

Bring it on, Christmas.... this turkey is already cooked and ready for the long nights of leftovers!!!


Monday, November 06, 2006

Why I do not vote.....

Driving into work today, I was behind this heavy duty tricked out SUV with a big sign on the back:

Due to expected voter turnout
Republicans vote Nov. 7th
Democrats vote Nov. 8th

I kind of chuckled to myself and thought, sorry buddy.. I'm not voting either day!

I really hate that I am not voting. I want to. I want my voice to be heard and my vote to count, but it doesn't. I don't have a voice. I don't get one. All I get to do is pick sides. I don't get to vote issues. I get to vote on mudslingers and paper dolls. And even if I did pick sides, my individual vote doesn't count. The collective majority of my neighbors' thoughts count. Just because I choose a state, city, neighborhhood, and street to live on, doesn't mean I agree with everything my neighbors think. If I chose to live in a old or art driven part of town doesn't mean I am a democrat and just because I chose a neighborhood because of the elementary school doesn't automatically make me a republican.

Why can't I be for gay marriage and support the war in IRAQ? Why can't I support parental notification for underage abortions and support the choice for an abortion in itself? Why does it have to be red or blue? Why do we even have red or blue?

How can we come up with a system that tracks billions and billions of dollars down to the penny, yet we can't create a system where I get a choice, I get a vote, and at the end of the day 1 billion votes means 1 billion votes?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

What the hell am I doing?

Ever heard the expression "jump and the net will appear" or "if you follow your passion, your true passion, doors will open for you that may not open for others"...?

I am trying to show some conviction. I am trying to create a forward motion that leads me in the direction that I think I am supposed to be going. I belive that the drum beat banging in my ears is God trying to tell me something... something very important.

I cannot shut up the inner voice competing with the drums. I cannot stop the.. who the hell do you think you are? You are barely surviving with what you produce now, and you think you can take a cut? You don't have the energy for your current life and this "new" life you want to create is going to expect more than you could ever imagine! You know you aren't going to be able to handle the bureacracy.... you are getting older now.. you are never going to make anything out of your life if you keep jumping from career to career.... you think you hold the aces... you think you can handle the pressure, but you just jump ship and move on when the cooker gets too hot... you created the pressure and drama in the first place.

shut... up.... SHUT UP.....S-H-U-T U-P...S-H-U-T U-P ...S-H-U-T U-P!!!!!

I've lost my confidence, I've lost my drive, my "why the fuck not?!?"... I've lost my ability to key into the drum beat, isolate where it is coming from and give all abandon to follow it... knowing full well it is beyond me, above me...driving me to a higher purpose. When I graduated high school early, I didn't know why, someone showed me the door, and I walked through it. When I went to college, I picked Theatre Arts as my major.. why? Not because I was the most successful high school actor getting all the big parts... no.. because I loved it! When it was time to move to NY, I had nothing but a dream and luck on my side, so I packed it up and moved to a city where I new only 3 people... the biggest fastest most expensive city.... when it was time to move home, again... a drum beat telling me my time here is done and there are bigger reasons for you to go back home....
And there were... everytime.... amazing opportunity... amazing people... amazing husband... amazing life altering experience in the illness and death of my father. I didn't move because I knew my husband was in NY... I was told by that inner drum beat to move and he showed up. I didn't move home because my father was ill.... the drum beat brought me home and 8 months later he was diagnosed.
My point is that I have no idea where the drum beat is sending me, I just know damn well that I better follow it. This particular drum beat has been slow and steady for awhile. When I have tried to ignore it or go in a different direction than it is leading me, it gets louder and I catch myself falling down mid step and being paralyzed until I get up and make a movement in the direction I am being called.

Being called

I have always been called. My life has always been one calling after another. I have never questioned my callings, I just followed. So, why now? Where in the past 10 years.. past 5 years... did I lose my ability to listen to my inner voice? Am I that emotionally bankrupt?

I know the answers, so why don't I believe them?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

A baseball cap

So God played a little trick on me this morning. I decided to go for a walk before getting ready for my day. I played mental games with myself for about an hour before kicking my own ass out the door for my walk. It was only little muggy and damp outside, so I trudge on. About 5 minutes into the walk, a very light drizzle starts to tickle my arms and the back of my neck. No problem - no one got hurt by a little rain. Moving and grooving along...then just about the time I get to the track to really hit the pavement - pouring rain. Hard, wet, thick drops - millions of them. I convince my self I am already here - I am already wet - just keep going. I am halfway through my walk, completely drenched, and tired of wiping the hairspray laced raindrops out of my eyes and I decide to cut this walk short. About 15 paces before the turn to either go home or continue the workout, it lightens up - we are back to the light tickle. I look up, the clouds are lightening, I decide to make the turn to continue. God then laughs really hard - so hard He is crying - all over me again. I laugh back and keep moving and grooving to "Unwritten" on my CD player.

"Feel the rain on your skin - only you can let it in!"

... next time I will wear a baseball cap to keep some of the river of old hairspray from my eyes.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Halloween at our house

Yet another memember of our family is old enough to enjoy the excitement of Halloween at our house. This morning, Ben (22 months) came to me and with perfect ominous delivery and presented me with

"..... p o o k y b i d e r z ........."

He was giving me a handful of "spooky spiders".

Friday, September 29, 2006

Just randomness

No particular reason.... just in a bullet-y type of mood

- Having a garage sale this weekend. I was hoping to be purged a little more than I am... Terrible realization that between my husband's paranoia and my own, we will literally drown in paper in our own home. My husband is terrified of identity theft and I am haunted with the thought that someone is going to come out of the wood works and claim I didn't pay or that I am responsible to pay for something I am not. So I basically have every statement of ...well... everything.. electric bill, cell phone, medical bills, etc..... for the past 8-10 years. I also have grand plans to turn cute/important drawings made by my 4 yr old and 2 yr old into beautiful backgrounds for scrapbooking even though I do not do scrapbooking. My home is a house of cards made up of old receipts, cable bills, and construction paper with glue, glitter and beans.

- Does anyone really care what the hell is going on with Anna Nicole Smith?!?! I am very sorry that she lost her's terrible, really it is... but come has made headlines for weeks now!

- For the first time in a really long time I am looking forward to an exit plan from my mother's company (my current job) and on to a profession I believe is my passion. This absolutely terrifies me...because what if it really isn't my passion and I am just jumping to another ship that is sinking?

- My husband got a haircut this week... he went shorter than he normally does. Sitting across from him at a very well lit dinner I realize...he is losing his hair. My facial expression must have been quite severe because without me saying a word, he says, "I have been telling you I think I am losing my hair... great... now THIS is going on the blog!" I took that as permission, so here you go.

- Ben - issues... that child is nothing but issues for me.... I love that little rascal. Our current lesson is boundaries and determination. We set the boundary that he must stay in his bed a bedtime and he is determined to ignore it. Several nights of up and down, begging, pleading, crying (both of us), naughty wall and pack and plays resulted in the following night:
He had once again gotten up and down out of his bed several times, so I put him in the pack and play to contain him. He obviously did not like his night time cage and
was pleading, crocodile tears in his eyes, to get out. So I got on my knees and pointed to his bed:
"Stay in your bed?"
Looks over at thebed and back at me
"Answer me... stay in your bed? Yes, mam'm?"
Stares blankly at me
"Yes mam'm,?!?"
and in the faintest, almost nothing but air, whisper, ""
"Okay, that's it...goodnight!"
He literally flung himself backwards on his pillow and wailed!! I could actually see his thought expression ..."WRONG ANSWER!!"

Friday, September 22, 2006

Not lost or forgotten....

Incredibly stressful week this issues... way too much to get into here...let's just say it is over for now and my body physically hurts from holding so much tension.

I have realized why my blogging has decreased so dramatically in recent months. I have been having one on one daily therapy thanks to my dear old friend, Tiffanie (and by old, I mean I have known her longer than I haven't known her). Anyhoo... I am completely blessed in that, even though she is thousands of miles away, we are closer than we have ever been in our friendship. We hold email conversations daily throughout our day which are comforting, entertaining, and therapuetic all at once. (I think we are about to celebrate our 2500 email sometime very soon - yes I have kept every one - Update: I just sent her #2531). Anyway, a lot of the things that I would probably blog about here, I send to her.

I need to put some of the stories here, because I use this as an electronic diary of sorts. And this is the closet my children are going to get to a baby book or scrapbook.

Here is a good Ben story....

The other night was a difficult night getting the munchkins to bed. Ben was playing his up and down game opening and closing the door to the bedroom. So after 10 minutes of up and down from my own bed, I gave him a stern, "get back into bed" from their doorway and shut the door. Rather than walk away, I stood there with my face at his eye level so that when he opened the door I would be right there. Sure enough...c-r-e-a-k.... only, he was so surprised to see my face he quickly slammed the door shut....DIRECTLY ON MY FACE... wham.. after the little birdies cleared and I stopped laughing, I opened the door and found him face down into his pillow in his bed...squealling with delight.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Where were you?

9-11 is to my generation what Kennedy's assasination was to my parent's generation. The "Where were you?" moment you are always interested in hearing from others. Here is mine:

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I was living in New York. My husband and I had an apartment in Queens with a beautiful view of Manhattan. The morning of 09-11-2001 began as it usually did, My husband got up way before me and left for work and I got ready and headed to the street for my morning commute. I was standing at the bus stop, reading my book. Had I looked up, I would have seen the 1st plane hit the tower. I continued my commute from bus to subway. As I walked into my building at 35th and 7th, the security guard hollered after me as I entered the elevator:
"Did you hear?"
"A plane clipped the World Trade center"
"Holy Shit!"
"Yeah, wierd, huh?"
...and the elevator doors closed....
As I rode up to the 14th floor, I remember thinking a prop plane must have clipped the antenna on the top of the tower. Sucks to be that guy... he is going to be in a lot of shit for that one....
The doors opened again and I see our receptionist scrambling to answer phones, in between each ring and "Please hold" she yells at me... "You better call your family!"
Oh my God, something happened... one of my grandparents died... someone was in a car accident... my mind raced as I flew to my department which was still dark. No one had made it in yet and the message light on my phone was blinking red and the phones were ringing at every extension. I pick up my phone.
"This is Rebecca..."
"Are you okay... is Mike okay?!?!" my mother asked in a panicked voice.
"Yes, I am fine, what's going on? Are you guys okay?"
"Becky...didn't you hear?!?! Two planes hit the World Trade Center!"
At this point people have heard my voice in the office and are coming in screaming, "... there are more planes... they think one might hit the Empire State building!" (Which was 2 blocks away)
"Mom, I gotta go... I'm okay...I gotta get a hold of Mike... I will call you back."
I try calling Mike's cell but get a rapid busy signal which means there are no lines available.
"Isn't there a TV in here??"
"Uhm, yeah... over here..but it has shitty reception, we gotta move it to the window"
"They have shut down Manhattan... nothing in or out"
"I got it...I got it...."
Our entire office crowds around a small black and white screen for more information,
for what seems like forever, listening to commentary saying nothing but to stay put.
We all try to call out but nobody can get a line....
Damnit Damnit Damnit.... I gotta get a hold of Mike....
"Oh my God... they are jumping!"
Then suddenly... rumble, rumble, rumble.... the Tower 2 collapses.... inaudible gasps followed by shrieks and sobs....
My mind kept racing....
"There were people in those stairs... THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THOSE STAIRS TRYING TO GET OUT!!!"
Panic... pure panic as the streets fill with smoke and debris.... and it hits me... OH MY GOD... MIKE PICKS UP HIS TRUCK FROM DOWN THERE!!! He is trapped... he is trapped under all that debris.
I continuously speed dial and redial between my husbands cell and his work, praying for an available line.... I get through to his dispatch. They tell me they haven't gotten a hold of anyone because all the lines are busy, but he can assure me that Mike already got his truck and was uptown before the tower collapsed.
"Do you swear to me?!?!"
"Yes, ma'm... I assure you he is fine"
Rumble, rumble, rumble... tower one ... gone.... tumbling like blocks and sand.
I gotta get a hold of my family... dial/redial... mom cell...Karen cell....Karen cell....
"Hey it's me"
"Are you okay... are you okay?"
"I'm okay..."
We exchange "I was so scared" and "I was so worried" about a thousand times. Someone in my office realizes that I have gotten a line out.
"Can you have your sister call my parents and let them know I am okay?"
So my sister then uses her home phone to call my co-workers' familes and let them know we are okay.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know... there is no way in or out of Manhattan. The subways/tunnels/bridges are closed. I guess we stay here until we are told we can leave."
"You can't get on the subway...what if they bomb it"
"I don't know... I don't know...."

Around 4 o'clock we hear they are letting people get out of Manhattan. I gather my things and head down the elevator. I took the eerie walk to the subway. There were no cars... not one. The streets were empty except for people, dust and debris. I got on the subway and exchanged "can you believe it" looks with total strangers on the train. As the 7 train came up from the river to its elevated above ground tracks in Queens, an entire train car of people crowd the windows facing West to view the empty hole with rising dust and smoke where the Twin Towers used to stand. The only words spoken were, "Oh my God...."

That night the only sound you could hear were the jet planes racing over head continuously. I remember asking Mike if it would be okay if we slept with the TV on that night. I needed to hear the TV in case an emergency broadcast signal came on for real.

The next day I became dizzy reading the scroll on the bottom of my TV. I was glued to every image played and re-played, every new theory, every new expert. I called our best friends, Todd and Allison.
"I can't watch anymore"
"Neither can I....let's go get a drink..."
We met them for dinner to escape the constant news on the TV, and walked into a resturaunt with TV's in every corner. As much as we wanted to escape it, it was comforting to have them on in case anything new came on.
Todd saw both planes hit.. he was a stock broker with a perfect view of the World Trade center from his window. When the second plane hit, he flew down his building and caught the last train out of Manhattan before the city was closed. He watched the towers fall from the platform of the Queensboro Bridge stop.

There was a great urgency to do something... to just head downtown and start pulling debris and helping with the search. It was very clear from the TV that unless you were a professional, you would be turned away. Late that night in the bar, the front doors opened up as two very dusty and very worn firefighters walk into the bar. There was a mad rush in the resturaunt to thank those two beaten men and fights to pay for anything they wanted. They humbly bowed their heads, shook off any praise and retreated to a corner for some space to clear their heads.

Thursday morning, we were told not to let the terrorist win... head back to work with our heads held high. I walk into my office, put my things down, and head to the bathroom.
The alarms go off.... I come out of the bathroom and look around at all my colleagues standing in the hallways looking at one another for someone to decide what to do. At this point the emergency exit opens from the outside as a security guard calmly but sternly asks us to leave the building.
"There has been a bomb threat at Penn Station" (which is across the street)
Panic...PANIC.... we head to the emergency exit stairs to crowd into the hundreds of people flowing down from floors above us.
Floor 14
Floor 13
Floor 12
(Oh my God this was what it was like for all those people)
Floor 11
(I realize a friend is having a panic attack and stumbling down the stairs in her heels)
"Take your shoes off"
"I can't"
"Hold on to me... we are going to get down the stairs... HOLD ON TO ME"
Floor 10
Floor 9
(We are not moving fast enough... dear God....dear God... please please)
Floor 8
Floor 7
Floor 6
(Will we know it when the bomb goes off? Will we feel it?)
Floor 5
Floor 4
Floor 3
Floor 2
Floor 1....
"Ladies... please head North towards Times Square... everyone...PLEASE HEAD NORTH!"

We follow their instructions and head North. As we are quickly moving in mass uptown, we are hit with a crowd of people heading downtown. After pushing and struggling to get further uptown, I stop and ask someone where they are coming from.
"There is a bomb threat at Times Square!"
"There was a bomb threat at Penn Station!"
I turn to a cabbie sitting in his car parked on the side and ask him what is going on and he informs us there are bomb threats everywhere... Penn Station, Times Square, Grand Central, you name it.

I find a large group of my co-workers and explain what I have been just told. My boss turns to us and says, "Ladies... that's it... go home and don't return until all this settles down... nothing is that important and I won't jeopardize your lives until we know more." We all hugged and smiled and got teary eyed because we were all scared to death to get on the trains and head home. We couldn't get back into our office for safety and we surely weren't safe on the streets. I prayed every step down the stairs to the subway and every breath until I was safely off the train in Queens.

The events of those days will never leave me, but they cannot compare to the pain and anguish suffered by those directly affected by this tradgedy. I hate the fact that those events caused a predjudice in me causing me to stare at every Middle Eastern man who got on the subway with a long coat or back pack. I asked for forgiveness the moment the thought would cross my mind, but could never fully let my stare go....

Monday, September 04, 2006

Weekend Warriors I haven't fallen of the face of the Earth! I have gotten a couple of emails/comments about my absence here in the blog world and there are many factors which I would love to get into but let's just chalk it up to busy social calendar, work more obnoxious than normal, stomache flu that laid me on my ass and the most important time consumer of all......

Max and Ben's new Big Boys Room!!!

Yes.... we did it! We have been planning for months to change the boys' nursery into a room fit for two big boys. I have slowly acquired everything and Mike and I made serious plans on how to make the most of my sometimes over the top designs. It is bascially an homage to our favorite Disney movies - well PIXAR movies. It is a combination of Buzz for Max, Nemo for Ben and Cars for their play area. It was four very long days (especially since I was still recovering from the stomach flu) but it turned out better than I expected. We have painted, built, painted, sewn, (did I mention paint) and the results are below....Before and After ... And yes... I made those curtains myself (with my mother's help) and I am damn proud of myself!!!!

BEFORE - Nursery Theme

BEFORE - View from Door

AFTER - View from door

BEFORE - Bed Corner

AFTER - Bed Corner

Max's Suite

Ben's Suite

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


So I was on a website today and I came across this:

If I were visually impaired how would I see this?

Friday, August 11, 2006

It was only a matter of time

This morning we took a major step in the direction of brotherhood bonding and ingenuity and parenthood nightmares.

The boys have had this box with wheels that came with a bunch of mega blocks. It is very small and light (picture a small foot rest/ottoman type thing) I hear the wheels zooming across the floors for awhile and paid no mind... until... the crash into the TV followed not by screams, but uproarious laughter... then zooming again. I come around the corner to see Max straddling the box and Ben pushing full throttle behind. "Look mommy, it's a horsey!" they both proudly presented to me!

I knew it was only a matter of time, and that time has come....I must now imagine all incarnations of every item in our home, and here is the key point, before THEY DO!

Friday, August 04, 2006

In a New York state of mind....

I am aching for the Big Apple lately..... I can't put my arms around it other than Fall is approaching and there is no better place in the Fall than NYC. Today at work, all the music que'd on my yahoo music reminds me of a cozy pub, a glass of red wine, and long coversation wearing a great turtle neck sweater, sleek boot leg black pants, and a great high heel boot. Then the next song will be from a musical from the Great White Way!
I miss New York very much. I loved the city, I loved the life. I didn't like the cost and being so far from family. And I knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids in the City and I knew I would never be able to afford to live out of the City and commute.
I know my love affair with that city is not over. My husband is a born and bred.. Brooklyn through and through. It may not be until we retire or when God blesses us with a winning lottery ticket, but I feel that I will live in that city again someday.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Be Honest!

How many of you knew that the tune for "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and the "ABC" song where the same?

I am nearly floored at the amount of people who never put the 2 tunes together.....

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

No time (or desire) for flowery wordiness....

- Ben - fever, no idea why, no symptoms other than fever, took 5 hour nap and fever went away. Keeping fingers crossed.

- Nothing cuter than a 20 month old trying to get a wad of double stick tape off of their fingers, but having no idea why it "won't let go"

- Is it adorable or terrifying that the 3 1/2 yr old knows how to use the pause/play buttons on the DVR remote?

- Is it okay to laugh out loud when said 3 1/2 yr old pauses Jimmy Neutron, heads to the bathroom, turns around and finds favorite book, places it under arm and heads back to bathroom announcing, "Mommy I gotta go poop, I'll let you know in a minute...." referring to the "I'm done come wipe me" yell.

- Is it wrong that even though I have been home all day, I have no desire whatsoever to cook dinner?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Here's to not playing the game......

I was pissed.... I was in a pissy mood, I had spent all day doing 2 jobs because my assistant did not come in to work, I had a lot more to do and I needed to make arrangements to make sure Mike would pick up the kids.

Call his cell... straight to voice mail....

Okay, so we have 2 otpions here... his cell battery is dead or he is out of range. I am praying for the latter since that one gave me even a hope of being able to speak to him. I know that his company is basically shutting down after 2 PM and BBQ-ing to celebrate a good week last week. It is now 4:oo.

Call his cell... straight to voice mail....

Damn it!

Maybe I can luck out and he went home because it was hot and he is actually at home watching luck.

I am hoping upon hope that he is taking into consideration that I am always the one who has to chauffer the kids around and his early day is a great opportunity to pick up the kids. I know he will go back to the house first so I call and call and call and call....

In between calls I am trying to speed through the last things of my day, shortcut some other issues, and cram an hour's worth of work into 10 minutes. I know I am defeated now, and I am going to have to risk a ticket for 90 miles an hour in order to get to the kids on time.

This is were it goes bad.... all this erratic behavior, work cramming and straight to voice mail calls has turned my PMS into overdrive.....

Why am I always the one to get the kids to school?
Why am I always the one to pick the kids up from school?
Why am I always the one to decide, cook, and clean dinner?
Why am I always the one to why always the one to get the kids up and dressed and breakfast made?
Why am I always the one to clean up breakfast?
Why am I always the one to clean the whole house?
Why am I always the one to think of what we need at the grocery?
Why am I always the one to go to the grocery?
Why am I always the one to do the laundry - gather, sort, wash, dry, fold, and put away?


So rather than turn right out of daycare to go home I turned left. I took them to dinner with a playground and sat there while my phone rang and rang and rang and rang... for an hour.....

I came home, Mike meets us outside. The boys run up to him, I walk to the other side of the car and into the house with no words.

He knows exactly what is wrong... he knows exactly why I am pissed....and guess what....

He doesn't play my game.....
He refuses to play my tantrum game.....
We get the kids ready and into bed....
I walked into the bedroom and read... he walked into the living room and laughed out loud at something he was watching on TV....

As pissed as I was... I was kinda proud of him.....

This morning's rituals were just the same.... he called later in the morning and asked how everybody was this morning..... fine..... and how are YOU this morning... I smiled at the comment but was cold on the line...

I don't appreciate that comment.
From now on, it is NEVER okay to assume that I will take care of everything.
Okay.... but if you want my help in the mornings that means you guys have to get up ealier...
(Ouch)Okay... that's a deal
Love you - bye.
Love you - bye.

Cheers to that sorry son-of-a-hoo-haw for not playing my game....

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I feel like Chicken Little

I am pretty sure that we are witnessing the beginning of World War III.

Here is my question. Back when World War I and II were starting... did they know? Is it something that just slowly creeps up on us or is it a major incident that rocks the world and the next thing you know we are running for cover and praying for our lives?

And why do we have to continue to buy safety? Someone says they have a bomb.... it could reach us and cause major physical/economic harm..... here is some money, do you promise not to bomb us? 10 years later..... we have a bomb.... now we want this.....

I can't watch TV or read the articles anymore, but I can't stop.....

Friday, July 14, 2006

What the??!!?!?

These are the 4 headlines on My Yahoo....

Barbaro (the Kentucky Derby horse) doing much better....

Hezbollah: "We are ready for open war"....

Mr. T has post Katrina makeover....

DC crime emergency prompts extra patrol....

A horse with an infection, a Middle East War, and 80's fallen star's clothing choices, and a spike in crime in our nation's capital.

These are the 4 most important things going on in the world right now 4:15 PM, Friday, July 14, 2006.....

Seriously people......

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Take me out.....

Never under-estimate the power of letting off a little steam......

We were blessed enough to get free tickets to see the Astros play. We had never been to the ballpark, never taken the kids to an event like this, the roof was closed, and Clements was pitching.... good times all around!

We got there an hour early... we never get ANYWHERE an hour early! It gave us plenty of time to figure our way around the park, find our seats, and get situated before all the crowds showed up.

We were up there... as the pictures show, but I don't think there is a bad seat in the house. It was perfect view of the field and perfect view of the big screen.

Max was a little uneasy at first - partly the crowds, partly the height, but he turned out to be okay once we sat down. Ben just thought the entire crowd was there to look at him and he flirted with anyone who made eye contact.

So the game was a slow starter... Max loved watching the screen and hearing the announcer....Now batting yadda yadda....Picture up on the big screen.... crowd roar and claps....

Mommy... did that man (the announcer) say my name?!?!
No baby I don't think so

Max and Ben weren't sure what to do with mommy as she kept hoot'in and holler'in and mommy doesn't normally break out into spontaneous applause.

Max mentioned something about hitting the ball and knocking down the big buildings just outside the ballpark. Mommy... I gotta go pee pee... mommy I want a hot dog...... mommy I want a soda.... mommy did that man say my name?!?

The game was getting pretty good.... by the bottom of the 8th we had done a lot of good yelling for coming back from behind to a 2 run lead that included a great home run! Everyone is happy....

Now batting yadda yadda....

I quickly start to play with Max and say, listen baby... I think he said your name they are all clapping for you!!! We all cheer and smile and watch the next batter up to plate. By this time it was getting late in the game, and I wanted to leave before the crowds. Max was very eager and down-down-down the series of steps we go.

We are at the exit and I start to feel a drag behind me....I look down and Max is crying.... no.... SOBBING! We get out the doors and walk to the side.

Are you okay? Are you hurt? What's wrong?!?!
Through heart breaking tears he says, I didn't get my turn....
What angel?
I didn't get to hit the ball.....

W-H-O-O-S-S-S-H-H-H-H!!!! The entire game runs through my mind and I realize what has just happened. Max truly thought that all the pictures of the crowd were the people "the man" was announcing out loud and it was THEIR turn to go and hit the ball!!! He kept watching the TV and listening to "the man" to hear his name. And I added to his fantasy by saying that "the man" had said his name and shortly afterward getting up and heading downstairs!

I told him that mommy was so sorry, but only the big boys got to hit the ball on the field. I gathered my utterly devastated child and carried him back to our car!

Friday, July 07, 2006

I'm it.....

I have been tagged by one of my new favorite mommy bloggers Lindsay at My splatter painted life so......

5 things.....

5 things in my fridge:
1. Rockin' watermelon
2. Diet Coke
3. Several different versions of mayo, mustard, sandwich meats and cheeses for my sandwich king husband
4. Red Kool-aid.... a total idiot.. I know!
5. Slow churned Dreyers Ice cream..... again awesome... I know they are lying about the calories and fat content.....

5 things in my closet:
1. Shoes... pretty much every where
2. A box of my favorite handbags which I never use but refuse to give away/sell
3. A shoe hanger with no sheos in it
4. A lot of my father's clothes I just couldn't let go of
5. A dresser with all of Mike's clothes

5 things in my purse:
1. Funeral card from my father's funeral
2. 4 or 5 different versions of headache and cold remedies
3. A NYC transit token..... haven't needed one in 5 years, but again, can't give it up
4. Receipts, receipts, and more receipts
5. An ostomy bag clamp..probably for a patient so long ago I can't remember

5 things in my car:
1. Empty Diet Coke can
2. Glitter from Max's mother's day gift from school that is embedded into my carpet
3. A box of over night bags that my mom didn't want but I didn't have time to go through so I took them all
4. A highly sophisticated CD organizer - a zip lock bag with about 20 cds in it.
5. Various match box toys, play cell phones, and cherished meal toys from kiddie meals

5 people I tag:
Any five of you who wander past here and care to share.....

Thursday, July 06, 2006


So I had a dream last night… it was such a pleasant dream that I actually remember thinking, you are gonna have to wake up soon because you know this is a dream and I told myself in the dream…. Please no…. this is too wonderful, just give me a few more minutes……

I was looking at a house. I was not in the market to move, but for some reason my mother and I were looking at this house that was for sale. I didn’t find it odd because I knew that this is something that my mother and I love to do… just look. I then had this strange feeling I had been there before. And I realized that I had been here… twice before in my life. Once in college when my roommates and I were looking for a new place to live and once when I had returned from New York. Both times we were not able to get the house or it just wasn’t the right time, but it was always the “dreamhouse”.

It was an older house, but it had been updated one room at a time, but not all the rooms were renovated. I kept going down the hallway and looking into the rooms and each room was perfect… yeah it needed paint, maybe some new tile here or there, but it was great…endless opportunity. I remember thinking… “I don’t remember this room the last time we looked at this house… why didn’t I look at the whole house then?” I would turn corners and discover new rooms and areas and just squeal with excitement of how perfect it was… it was exactly what I always wanted! I couldn’t believe how great this place was. The next thing I knew there were lots of people there, some I knew, some I didn’t and they kept pointing out the bad things or ugly things and I just shrugged them off with… “That’s fixable… that’s workable….maybe not right away, but we can make it awesome by just doing …yadda yaddda yadda……”

“Oh how I wish we could afford this house……”
“Becky, It’s only $150,000….”
“What?!?! That’s impossible…..there is just no way….. we could almost do that… it would be hard…. But we could do it….”
I ran outside to call Micheal on my cell phone to tell him what we had found… and that I needed him to come as soon as possible so we could discuss it.
The urgency was overwhelming.
As I am talking to Mike, I look around the backyard, which is small but just over the fence was a park with a walkway directly to this beautiful and charming elementary school….
“Honey, please hurry… you are not going to believe this… we could watch the boys from our backyard as they walked into their school… honey…. We have to talk about this now…. We could MISS IT!!”

I walk inside and see other people looking at the house now. Some one states that they probably put the house on the market too low so that they can start a bidding war. I start to see the kite strings floating away into the clouds out of my reach.

The owners walk in to “get something” and start to walk out again. I realize that it is what I picture myself and Mike to be in our retirement years…..

I feel myself waking from the dream as I am desperately pleading with them to give us this house….. we were not in a position to bid on this dream, but we were the most passionate for it….. please… please….. no one else will love this dream as much as I will…. No one else will fulfill it to its greatest potential than me….. please……


Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Written Monday, 07-03-06 @ 2:56 PM

It has been 10 business hours since our phone lines and internet services have gone down. At 1 o’clock on Friday, out of no where, all the lines and connections went dead. Here is how it went down:

Silence……I notice my music (from the internet) has stopped and I have a prompt that says there is a problem connecting to the internet.
I then look up to see 3 people come to my office door simultaneously:

“ I can’t get a phone line out, I think my phone is broken….”
“The fax machine doesn’t seem to be working, can you come help me?”
“ I can’t dial up to Medicare….”

It is amazing to me how quickly the world around you can freeze up and seize operations completely. What amazes me further, is the total lack of independent thought and initiative that exists here in this office. I am the Director of Patient Care Services… basically the engine of the company…. I start it, authorize it and make sure it gets done. If it is not working, I make it work or hire the people to make it work. I explain to the owners the problem and how it is going to be solved. I then write a policy and educate the entire staff on what the problem was, how “we” are going to fix it and the procedures they must now follow, backed up with regulatory requirements to shut up all groaning and moaning that will inevitably follow the announcement of the new policy and procedure.

I call the phone company and surf through the very creative prompts asking me questions so that it can direct my phone call through proper channels… the irony of this whole situation is that I have to call the phone company to explain I have no phones…. The true reason God gave us cell phone technology.

“I will start a trouble ticket for you, ma’m”
“What does that mean?”
“Someone will call you to discuss your needs further”
“How are they going to call me… I have no phones!”
“Is there an alternate phone number you can be reached?”
“That probably should be put on that trouble ticket, hmn?”
“Yes, ma’m….”
“Listen…. This is a home care agency… we rely solely on this phone for our patients to access medical attention, we must be placed in an urgent status”
“Yes, ma’m….”
“Is there any way you can capture the line and forward it to our answering service”
“Yes, ma’m”
(Can YOU perhaps offer anything to help me through this so that it is as painless as possible?!?!?!?!)

I get a call back
“We are not getting a line response”
(REALLY?!?! You mean I didn’t accurately explain the situation earlier on the trouble ticket when I stated the lines were DEAD)
“We are going to have to call SBC to have them come check the lines”
(I thought they were called ATT now, but I am too pissy to get into a “RIGHT FIGHT”)
“And how long will that take?”
“I am not sure, ma’m…. I have to send them a trouble ticket with an onsite request”
(shoot me… just shoot me….)
“What are your business hours next week?”
“It can’t be next week, it must be today.”
“What time do you close?”
“If you can make them come, I will make sure someone is here”
“Will you be there Saturday?”
“I would prefer today, but again… someone will be here whenever they need to be here to get this problem solved.”

“SBC is here”
(Again…. ATT thought swims through my head…. DROP IT!)
“ The problem is outside… do you have keys to the pad lock?”
“No, let me make a phone call…..”

“They need to make an appointment to meet us there….”
“No, they are here now… the problem is now….. they just figured out the problem now and the problem is behind the pad locked area.”
“It’ll take me 20 minutes or so to get there.”
“I will tell them you will be here is 20 minutes”
”Well… it depends on traffic”
“Okay…. I will tell them you will be here in 20 minutes depending on traffic”
“Well… if they can wait”
“They will”

Needless to say they didn’t get it solved and it is not solved yet…..Monday afternoon. We have played a constant game of it’s their problem… no it’s THEIR problem between phone companies and I now have a cell phone bill through the roof as all phone calls normally made through 5 lines to an office full of people, are all channeling through my cell phone.

Internally I have a staff of people who have no idea what they should be doing since they can’t access the phones or the internet….. I cannot believe that I am actually reminding them of things they can be doing without phones or the internet…….


Monday, June 26, 2006


I have no idea how to use flickr yet, so I just threw them on the site in no particular order.... it is best to watch them as a slide slow since I can't figure out why some are coming out all wonky.....

SO here is our 8 day trip in fast forward bullets:

- Stuck on the plane for 3 hours before taking off.... 5 children ages 6 and under!!

- Animal Kingdom - We discover Kameron's irrational fear of oversized stuffed characters waving hello.... It's tough to be a bug...Kameron and Max literally shaking and crying in fear of their lives with huge bugs in 3-D....Lion King, huge hit!

- Magic Kingdom - we all start crying the moment they discover the "castle" and start jumping up and down to show us, we lose Kaitlyn at Dumbo, Max expoldes when he meets Buzz Lightyear, huge downpour of rain (we get stuck in Mickey's house), Stay late for electric light parade, ride monorail for the first time..again, Max explodes!

- EPCOT - Living Seas huge hit! Dinosaurs and Ellen a little freaky for the kids, Mexico, Norway, laser light and fireworks - Ben sits in my lap but then quickly jumps up to smash his cheek into mine everytime the fireworks were too loud!

- Free day swimming and shopping - Max terrified of the water, Ben fearless... jumps in even if you are not looking to catch him (let me tell you this was fun). Left Ben at a resturaunt ... we walked out did the 1-2-3-4-5 head count and came up short one red head, turn around to see him standing and smiling in the waiting area of the resturaunt. Shopping frenzy in the 1 1/2 hrs we have left before the stores close.

- MGM Studios - Star Wars Mega hit!! Met Woody, Jesse and army men from Toy Story, again Max explodes! Playhouse Disney, Little Mermaid & Beauty and the Beast shows were all wonderful. Animations tour great...Indiana covered their ears the whole time. Mike and I got our one and only alone time waiting in line for Aerosmith's Rockin Roller Coaster, our favorite ride from our honeymoon!

- Magic Kingdom and EPCOT again - tried to catch what we missed the first days. More shopping... Took Max on Test Track were you ride in a car that goes though a test track including speeding outside... you guessed it...Max exploded once again!

- Time to go home - Mike somehow changes the time on the clock in our room so he thinks we are getting up at 10:00 which is the time we should be leaving... I jump out of bed and do the dance of the Bumble Bee before I call my mother to tell her we are running late and she tells me it is only 7:30... I hit my husband and crawl back into bed. Get to the airport, get on the plane, it starts raining.... Dear God... please... I cannot sit on the tarmack for another 3 hours..... 45 minutes later we are in the air.... Get home... have dinner... all of us snuggle in bed and are asleep by 8:30....none of us wake up until 12 hours later......

Tons of cute "in between" stories, but I have no energy to remember them yet......

Saturday, June 24, 2006

....we're back...

...oh...dear.....God.....we're back......

....details to come.....

...after I get approximatly 24 hours of sleep......

..."Happiest celebration on Earth".....uh, huh....yeah......

Friday, June 16, 2006

1 day

I went to sleep at 12:30 last night.....
I was up at 6:00.....
Forced myself to stay in bed and snuggle with husband......
It is now 7 am and I am in full on "Mission Vacation" Mode.....

24 hours until we leave for the airport......

Thursday, June 15, 2006

2 days

Last working day!

Things still left to do:
Clean house
Water plants
Last minute shopping at Walmart
Unpack because everything doesn't fit right in the suitcase
Pack again

Lay in bed with my husband re-creating the Walt Disney World commercial:

Me: You asleep, yet?
Him: No... too excited....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

3 days

I am not sure how I am expected to work.....

... oh wait... I am not working.......

Well, I'm AT work, just not accomplishing much!

3 days.....3 D-A-Y-S!!!!!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

4 days....

4 days, people!!!

4 days until we get on a plane for Disney World.

I have successfully obtained 12-14 new outfits for each of us for an 8 day trip....

The excitement is growing exponentially!

I asked Max when he woke up this morning if he slept well. Rubbing his eyes he nodded yes. I asked him if he had any dreams: "Yes, I dreamt about Disney World..."

I am not sure what he is dreaming about.. I think he is thinking that we are going to the cartoon places we see on the Disney channel... and thanks to the brilliant Imagineers at Disney World he is not too far off!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

2 Years

2 years ago you passed away.

I miss you as much today as I did the moment you left.

I thought the "hole" would fill in quicker than this.

I really don't want it to.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Silver linings in gray clouds

I believe you attract what you need, not necessarily what you want. I am blessed to be able to count the 5 most important women in my life on the one hand that I hold each of them so precious, like beautiful sea shells I have found on the beach. These 5 women have played such a remarkable role in my journey of life, sometimes holding a mirror up to my face, sometimes carrying me when the burden has been to great, sometimes holding up the margarita glass and reminding me to stop and smell the limes.

A very dark situation occurred this weekend. It was your typical “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment. The information that came out in this situation was not new, but the delivery of the information and the reaction was very new. As I have said in this blog over the past few months, there is something different in my thinking, a significant shift in how I am choosing to live my life, the choices I make, and the level of tolerance and acceptance that I am willing to deal with when it comes to my life. So rather than let this dark situation just “blow over” only to head out to sea to gain strength and create a storm which will reappear with the same destructive thunder, lightening and hail, I chose to stand up and say… I am not playing this game anymore…. I am choosing to pick up my toys and head in the house so that I don’t keep getting wet, cold, and miserable every time the same storm comes ashore.

An interesting under-current to this situation is related to my right hand ladies….. Of the 5 women, the situation is directly related to one of them, and by 11:00 pm yesterday, I had spoken to the other four. Here are the shoulders that I leaned on while I am trying to get clarity in this situation:

One of these women has a very big stake in the outcome. Her happiness is directly related to our happiness, always has and always will. She has been the peacekeeper, the moderator, the keeping a cool head police all my life. This is the person I most want to please in the situation. She is the person whom it is hardest to speak to right now because for her - I do just want to let it all blow over because I know that it will make her happy. Her grace for forgiveness and acceptance is greater than the oceans.

The next woman reminded me that there are times in our lives where it is deal or no deal. There are somethings that you must stop in order to save the snowflake from turning into an avalanche, the longer you wait, the more damage it can cause. Tough love sucks, but in the long run the results are worth it.

Another women reminded me that there are opportunities in every situation to grow and learn from. Change is not easy, especially when you are the only one who wants to change. She reminded me that in order to change the future, you must look to the past, take the experience and leave the trash, and always look to the light.

The last woman reminded me that you can’t force a person to change their spots if they have no intention of going to the salon. She asked me how much I am willing to sacrifice in this situation in order to force a horse to a watering hole they can’t see. Were the sacrifices worth the results?

Blessed – truly blessed by these women’s presence in my life. They bring a balance to my life that compares to no other. One has brought me to an opportunity for growth, one is mediating, one is reminding me of my strength, one is reminding me to stay true to the path, and one is reminding me not to get lost in the details and sacrifice too much.

Thank you – to each and every blessed one of you………

Saturday, June 03, 2006

The hardest thing to forgive....

We are once again in the ... what were we doing 2 years ago today... phase. We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my father's death from brain cancer. Little things that most people would not notice as they go throughout their day stand out to me like beacons to remind me of that very isolating time in my life. I call it isolating because it is a time .. a 2 year period, where every event, every occasion is remembered by where we were in the continuous journey of my father's illness.
There is a very specific night that haunts me to this day. I remember it as if it just happened last night. Maybe not so much the details, like what was on the TV or what I was wearing, but the feelings are as raw today as they were 2 years ago.

Saturday, June 5, 2004
We knew things were not good. We knew we weren't curing anymore, we were waiting for the inevitable. His doctor told my mother that we were looking at weeks, not months. He had been in the hospital for awhile and everyday something faded away... first he couldn't pick things up, then he couldn't grab things at all, it eventually moved to him being unable to move anything without full assistance.
My mother called.
"We need to consider hospice...(she fades away in a muffled noise of total anguish)...I can't tell him...."
You see, at this point, no one has had the conversation with my father that his time has come. My mother had asked the doctor to do it, and his response was, "I am not sure what good it is to tell him..."

"We have to tell him, but I can't do it...."
This entire time I am sobbing silently. I compose myself and call my sister at work.
"We have to find the words to tell dad, and we have to do it together, can you come?"
"I am on my way."
She ends up having car trouble and I have to go and get her. We drive the very long drive back to the hospital with both of us exchanging masks of strength and utter despair.
We get to the hospital and enter the room in silence. I can't remeber if he was awake or asleep, because by this time he was pretty much always in and out of some sort of sleep. Mom loses it on the bench near the window... the bench was always a great place to lose it, because it was just behind his line of sight, and if your sobs were quiet enough, he had no idea how utterly lost and sad you were.
We left his room several times because the anxiety was just too great. Not one of us could start the conversation... we knew the conversation had to occur... but there are no words ...
The nurse walks in with his medicine, the new medicine that the doctor has ordered to "make him more comfortable." My mother resisted starting the morphine because we knew my dad's reaction to it from previous hospital stays and we also knew that it meant that his moments of conciousness would slip away entirely. The nurse starts to head for my father, "Mr. Randall, I have some medicine here for you..." and she sees us melt into a ball of tears..... one of us tells her, "Could you just leave it... we will give it to him......"
My mother was seated on the silent bench, I was in his recliner right next to him and Karen moved to sit on the foot of his bed. She hands him the pill cup and he loosely holds it in his hand, resting it on the bed....
"Ya know girls... it doesn't look like I am going to beat this thing......"
Oh dear God.... he is telling us. He is having the conversation with us. He is saying the words that could not come out of our mouth. He is comforting us.
We all cried... cried and cried and cried.....
He took the pill and settled in to once again find comfort the only place he could.... in sleep.
My mother had been keeping a constant vigil with him. She had not slept in days, if not weeks or months. I told her that I would stay with him that night. We had a very long and difficult journey ahead of us, and it wasn't going to end tonight.
So she left with Karen. Dad and I were alone.....
The most beautiful view out of my father's room was sunset and sunrise. It faced north, so you could see the sky turn beautiful shades of gold, red, purple and blue. The worst part of sunset was that my father suffered from sundown syndrome. The darkness of night made my father very anxious and irritable. He would phase in and out of irrational and incoherent thoughts. You very rarely got more than 45 minutes or so, of peaceful sleep. So this night, I was prepared to have another night of interrupted sleep between his and the nurses constant interruptions to "check in on us" and check vital signs.
I was not prepared for one of the worst nights in my life. The medication to help my father relax did the complete opposite. He was anxious, and very awake. He was in a lot of pain and could not get comfortable.
"Baby... please.. I gotta sit up...."
So I would get up, put his side rails down, shift him to his side, lower his legs to the ground, sit him up on the side of the bed, put his slippers on, cover him with his robe, place his arms around my neck...."ready dad"..."yeah"..."okay....1-2-3"....hoist him to as much of a standing position that I could, pivot him and place him in his chair, position him with pillows, cover him with blankets.
"Is that better?"
"yeah... thanks, babe...."
Lay back down on the silent bench, and stare up at the TV pretending to watch whatever was on....
15 to 20 mintes later
"Oh, God... it hurts.... I gotta lay down... I gotta lay down...."
"Okay, dad, okay... lets get you back into bed....."
We start the procedure in reverse.
I walk out ot the nurses station....
"He is in a lotta pain.. is there anything you can give him?"
"Well... it's not time for another dose for another 2 hours....."
"Okay.... I think he is better now that he is laying down...."
15-20 minutes later
"I gotta get up... I gotta get up...."

This cycle continued all night with each new change more urgent and desperate than the previous. I was pregnant at this time, 3 or 4 months. Early enough to think I was capable of staying up all night and continuously "carrying" my 6 ft father back and forth from the bed to the recliner. It was quickly becoming clear that by 2 or 3 o'clock, I needed help. I walked out to the nurses station...
"I need some help....He wants to get into the chair and I am pregnant and starting to hurt from helping him get up and down...."
One of the 3 nurses at the station tells me, "I'll get some one to come in and help...."
A nurses aid walks in and informs me that she can't do it alone, he is to big.
She walks out and returns with several people. They get him into the chair and leave. Of course 15 minutes later he wants back into the bed... I go back out to the nurses station... they sigh and return to the room....
"Mr. Randall, you are gonna have to get comfortable...."
They surround him with pillows under every elbow, knee, foot and up and down his back. He politely smiles to them and says thanks.
Within moments of them leaving the room, he wants up again....

This is the darkest moment in my journey and one I cannot seem to forgive myself for....He pleaded with me for 15-20 minutes to get him out of the bed and back into the chair....I could only respond with, "Dad....please... I am just so tired... I can't ... I can't get you up again.....
I remember thinking in that moment... Dear God, just - take - him..... take him soon. I just can't handle this anymore.... and I weeped....quietly on the silent bench.

By sunrise he had settled down, mostly out of shear exhaustion. I remember calling my mom and explaining the night and she said to tell the doctor to start the morphine. When the doctor came in, he said I looked tired. He turned to my father and started what sounded like the "we have no other options" speech, and I quickly put up my hand and said, "we have already talked about this....."
I followed him out of the room and told him to start the morphine. He said he was going to write the orders on the chart and cancel all vital checks and request a hospice to come and speak with us.
I left the hospital that nmorning and Mike came and picked me up. He was driving my father's van. I remember climbing into the passenger seat and crying. I remember crying all the way home. I cried myself to sleep once I got home.

I have cried the entire time as I write this post. I am haunted by my father's plea for comfort and my total inability to give it to him. I am tortured by the fact that this night was the last time he was ever able to stand and I was so angry every time I heard him speak and ask me to help him. I silently pray.. 2 years later... to be back on the silent bench again to have the opportunity to re-do that night all over again....

I have the most wonderful and compassionate people in my life... and I am thanking you in advance for any kind words that you wish comment here.... but I am asking you that you please not tell me... "you did the best that you could"... I know that... I know that the only person who can forgive myself for my thoughts and set me free from this night is me...I think telling my story here has placed my feet in the right direction.....

Friday, June 02, 2006

Dad ... is it you?!?!?

So I am watching the Biography channel last night and they had a special on about Mediums. It was profiling the rather mainstream mediums who you probably have seen on TV talk shows. I have always had this fantasy of going to one of those large conferences they give and having the medium pick me out with a message from beyond. Then when my father died I actually had someone on the "other side" to communicate with. As I was watching this show I was thinking, hmmm... I wonder if dad's spirit would be strong enough to come through with a message....

.. and clear as day in my father's voice I hear....

.... "You know I don't believe in that bullshit!".....

Thursday, June 01, 2006

What the hell was I thinking?

So upon the advice of my friend, Allison, who is a self tanning addict, I went to my handy local Walgreen's and picked up a self tanner.... now the only thing that has color on my body is my hands which are orange....

I will now be washing my hands every 15 minutes until the color fades or the skin falls off.....

...good times.....

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day

This memorial day I remembered:
What it is like to have a clean kitchen
What it is like to have clean bathrooms
What it is like to have all laundry done
What it is like to have all laundry done, FOLDED, AND PUT AWAY
What it is like to snuggle with my husband & kids and watch TV
What it is like to take a 2 hour nap
What it is like to go to bed at a resonable time, on clean sheets, with household chores done ....

God Bless the 3 day weekend.......

Friday, May 26, 2006

Dear everyone.....

I do not have time to write all of you individual letters, so I hope you understand why I am choosing to publish this to all of you here on the world wide web....

We were watching the movie "Robots" during breakfast. When the Robin William's robot is taking the lead character's robot to stay at his Aunt Fannie's ,Max starts to get all excited and giggle feverishly....

Max: Here you come, mommy.....
Me: Excuse me?
Max: On the TV... here you COME!!!

At this point Aunt Fannie, named after her enormous derriere, comes on scene whipping her namesake too and fro while destroying everything around her as she turns...

Max: (Laughing uncontrollably) Ahhhhh mommy... you so funny!!!
Me: Why am I Aunt Fannie?
Max: 'Cause you have a big booty!!

I have loved you all.... I must now go throw myself off a bridge.....

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

No I am not referring to the book for those of you who just googled your way here.... I am referring to my backyard last night. Exactly what was good and what was evil is subject to opinion... my husband's opinion and my own.

So last night we went and had dinner with my mother. She needed me to fix something on her new computer and since he was along for the ride, she wanted Mike to pull up some plants in her garden. The plants she was pulling up were 5 mature azalea plants that probably would have cost us a couple hundred bucks if we bought them at a nursery. After much grunting and groaning, Mike got them up and loaded into the truck to take home. It was already late so my mother bathed the boys so we could just put them into bed when we got home. I finished up what she needed on her computer and off we go to the homestead. We get home and put 2 sleepy kids into their beds and I come out to see Mike closing up shop outside. He looks down at my hands a sees a flashlight.
Him: What do you need that for?
Me: So we can see....
Him: See what?
Me: We have to get them in the ground tonight, otherwise the roots will be exposed for over 24 hours by the time we get them into the ground.....
Him: WHAT?!?!?!

... So once again, we are outside... in the dark... gardening......thank God that man loves me in all my glory........

... P.S. they look beautiful .....

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

So perhaps we started the countdown a little too early.....

This is the conversation we have every morning at our house.....

Big Red: We go to Disney World today?
Me: No baby, not today, soon.....
Big Red: (falling into a goo of disappoitnment) Yes... mommy.. today .. the airplane take us to Disney World TODAY!! P-L-E-A-S-E MOMMY!!!!!

Today we had an extra twist to the conversation:

Big Red: Mommy, I too tired to go to school today.....
Me: Well then perhaps you need to go lay back down in your bed until mommy is ready to leave.
Bog Red: Okay.....

AND HE DID!!!!!!!

This boy needs a vacation.......

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Aha moment.....

Dreams vs Passion

I had an interesting "aha moment" (using Oprah terms). I have always assumed that my dreams were my passion. I gotta say that I am disagreeing with my self now.... Dreams fulfill your fantasies... Passion fills your soul. Dreams are events. Passion is motion. I think the 2 can be related, but I think people get mixed up chasings dreams (events) with no passion (motion) and end up miserable and lost because they can't make "their dreams come true".
I have a dream of being the top of my game... whatever my game is. I want that feeling of being the best or greatest whatever. I dream of others saying..."wow...that Rebecca... she is amazing at dat-dat-tada .. she is the one you want to go to...." When I think of this dream I get a very false high followed by a severe drop of "maybe someday"... like there is a lotto ticket that I have to purchase several times before I can "luck out" and have my dream come true. I do believe dreams are completely out of my control. I believe in the old Jiminy Cricket theory that "a dream is wish your heart makes", a tiny prayer sent to the universe in the hopes that the universe will align events to make this prayer answered.

My passions are a totally different situation.... my passions wrap my soul in a fuzzy blanket and fill my needs like the best cup of hot chocolate, ever. Passion gives me forward momentum and gives me drive to continue. My passion is for me, myself and I. My passions direct my actions and allow me to share my gifts. If my passion sparks passion in others, its a win-win situation. If my passion creates joy and happiness in waves in my ponds that resonate out to the banks of others, again.... everybody holds the trophy. There is nothing more wonderful than living with passion. And for those who can make choices in their lives based on following their passions, I think that is amazing. I think sometimes people are blessed to make a living doing there passion. I think some people are blessed that their living allows them time to fulfill their passions.
I think some people's dreams have come true, and as they sit in their dream they realize there is no passion to stay in the dream. Dreams are tricky. You can create the most elaborate dreams and once the universe grants your dream, you learn a completely different lesson. You realize the dream was built on a cloud and most of it was a facade and not nearly what you thought it would be... but your dream came true.....
Here is a lesson that I am knee deep into... and by knee deep, I mean it is definitly not stopping me in my tracks or drowning me, but there is enough of it around my legs that it is slowing my journey on the my path. I have spent the majority of my life looking up and chasing dreams I have created in the clouds. A couple of them have come true out of shear determination, and once I sat atop my castle in the clouds, I realized... "Ah shit.... this isn't what I wanted!" I would then go through this grief over the loss of the dream or the reality of the situation. I have created dreams that are impossible to come true and put value in them... ultimately setting me up for disappointment or sadness. Because I wasn't liking the results my dreams were giving me, I gave up on dreaming...."what's the point? I don't really believe in dreams....." and in the process I allowed my passion to be stifled as well... because what's the point of following your passion if you dont believe in the dream you are trying to fulfill?
* This is where I lost my path *
I don't want to chase dreams in the future, I want to live with passion today. I know there are many rivers I can chose to set sail upon that would be driven by my passions and I have no idea where the river will lead me. Some of the rivers are scarier than others in the fact that they require more of me, more than I have been able to find in myself. Yet like drums in the middle of the village, they are calling to me and rattling my soul as I wander in the fields, telling me.... "there is something going on here.... and you know you want to be a part of it... the rhythms are calling...."
I set events into motion.... I have no idea what time frame these events are going to happen, that is not for me to decide. I am asking a commitment of myself to stay in the water, not matter how much I want to get out of the boat. I am asking myself to trust that my soul never leads me into dark waters without the tools to find the light again. Trips occur in minutes, hours or days.... journey's last over years and life-times... this is a journey... and I will live a passionate journey....

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The boys....

So I haven't huffed and puffed recently with motherhod pride, so here is an update on the munchkins I call big red and little red.....
Big red.... he is truly killing me right now.. both positively and negatively. He is very attached to Mike and I and wants to be right at our heels with everything... helping with dinner, household chores, outside activities...etc...the biggest problem is that now that "we" are doign everything together, he feels that we should rest together.... we frequently waking up in the middle of the night with a guest in between us... sometimes it is so precious because I will wake up with him holding my cheeks in a loving manner fast a asleep. We are in a constant state of testing our boundaries.... when mommy and daddy say no, we tend to whine. I am proud of the fact that MOST of the time, Mike and I stand as a united front.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Raising children

I had an interesting thought while browsing through blogs today. There seems to be quite a few blogs that talk about "kids today".... lack of respect, lost in direction... not being heard.....
I cannot speak for generations before me, but it seems like pevious generations couldn't wait to HAVE children and wanted these little experiments to reflect the type of person they wanted to be..."You are such a good mother, your kids pee pee'd in the potty by (this)".... "You must have been one helluva dad to make the money to send your kids to (blank) college".
My generation of friends having babies talks about RAISING our children... making choices that will help to build character not grade point averages. I don't want my children to go to go to the best schools, I want them to have life experiences that help them to know what they really want out of life. I don't want my kids to be doctors, I want them to be respectful. I don't want my children to grow up and get married and have grandbabies for me... I want them to have happy fulfilling relationships. I want to focus on their current development, not think how this development will lead to that development which will lead them to be perfect ... I do not want my kids to be perfect... I want them to fail, learn how to fail and learn how to grow from failure. I do not want them to be the best at everything, because I want to teach them compassion for people who are not always the best.
I know my parents wanted what was "best" for me.... both positve and negative...when I was old enough to make choices for myself they guided these choices, but did not question them once they were made. If there were consequences, they made me responsible for them, but they did not judge me for them. They made the blocks available to me, but I built my character.
I want to focus on giving my children the right blocks... not the right shoes....

Sunday, April 30, 2006

God bless THIS man!!!

Do you see this man? DO YOU SEE HIM?!?!?
He is the greastest man in the world.... well, MY, world that is....

This man watched 5 children.... 6, 3, 3, 20 months and 16 months......

From 12:00 pm on Saturday until 6:00 PM Sunday while my mother, sister and I went to San Antonio for some fun.....

BACK OFF, Ladies...... He's MINE!!!!!

...more on the "Hot Mamas on the Riverwalk" later..... tonight we celebrate this glorious man!!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Oh MY!!!.... She posted something new......

I am here daily.. several times daily and I have not posted. I am so far behind in work that I feel guilty even writing now.....

Very Quick re-cap:

Yes.. I turned 31 last week.... thank you all for the kind words and warm wishes....
My aunt passed away last week. She is the 3rd in my father's family to die from cancer.... My mother and sister traveled to NY for the funeral, which of course means our house was full of rugrats for Easter. I am happy to say that Kailtyn won the Easter egg hunt and had devoured her candy faster than her male competition.

My business trip several weeks ago was great. The trip was just peaceful and beautiful. I was in my pajamas, eating take-out from Outback steakhouse, a mud mask on my face and wet nail polish on my finger nails and toes by 7:00..... I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning watching movies uninterrupted. The conference itself was long and boring, but the events outside of the conference were great. Remember this? Well it was just the 2 of us at this conference so we had a lot of time to ourselves. She showed me a depth to herself that I never knew existed. I am not saying that we will ever be best friends, but it was interesting to hear her tell her stories in a relaxed atmosphere... amazing perspective. I think the most I talked was just to comment on what she was telling me.

Another strange (and a tad worrisome) occurrance lately is a series of very violent and/or disturbing dreams that I have had the past few nights. They include the bombing of a subway line where I hear the explosions and see the sidewalk cave in and buildings fall. The next I saw a woman plant a bomb and tell me you are going to understand the meaning of 2:10. It could be 2 minutes and 10 secs or 2 hrs and 10 minutes, but you will know the meaning of 2:10. I run and run and when my instincts tell me I can no longer run, I have to seek protection. I then see people turn around and look towards the city and say, "whoa...." and I wake up. The next was a serial killer who had escaped from jail and was stabbing people in their neck and sometimes stabbing so hard that their heads would fly off (I am seeing it all) He would look at me and give me this very evil smile and then kill the people. No one could catch him and he would show up out of the darkness and disappear back into the darkness. The last (last night) was that I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer. I am sure this is all related to my aunt's death and bringing up old issues about dad's death. I just wish I could satisfy my psyche that the images don't have to be quite so violent. The interestign thing in all the them, the theme - if you will- was that i was never concerned about me. I was concerned about those around me or the situation... hte people on the train, the people who didn't know about the bomb, the people who were beign killed, and then last night, I was more concerned with everyone else knowing that it was okay that I had been diagnosed more than the diagnosis itself.

I don't have the energy to analyze now.... but I am curious about the 2:10 thing... anyone out there know the significance of 2:10?