Monday, January 29, 2007

Sorry to leave you hanging....

... but they left us hanging until just this morning. So after all of that, 4 hours and almost a week of waiting, they are basically asking for nothing. There are some minor issues that they would rather get cash at closing (about$1000), but they still want the house! Huge sigh of relief. The night of the inspection I was picking up the house and walking around looking for 4 hours worth of issues, and nothing was coming up, so I let it go, and distracted myself until I heard from my realtor.

Now on to the house that we want to buy. There were some big issues, completely fixable, but more than likely pretty costly. The downstairs heating and cooling did not work at all and the pool mechanics were not properly elevated/grounded for safety. There were more little things, but no deal breakers and nothing that would make us walk away from the house. We are meeting with the realtor tonight to go over the inspection report item by item with our must have fixed, would like to have fixed, and will live without being fixed and fix on our own. I am pretty sure that we are going to press the issue that we want them to fix it, rather than give us money, because we only have 48 hours to leave our home once we take possession of the new home, and I am not moving into a house with no air conditioning.....

So the next 4 weeks are going to include:

Packing my home up
Making arrangements for the move
Looking into getting new floors and counter tops in the new house
Going to school on Saturdays and 1 weeknight
Studying for the theatre content exam which is scheduled for Feb 24th

And well everything else I do on a daily basis....

... once again.... I just don't do anything easy.....(but I like it that way)....

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

4 hours

They were at my house for 4 hours...... there is not 4 hours worth of house to inspect.

Being exposed....

In about an hour and a half, total strangers will walk into my home and look at every crack and crevice looking for bad things that we didn't take care of or neglected.

Now I am perfectly aware that this is not the sole pupose of a home inspection for the house we currently own, but that is the way that I feel. I feel like people I do not know are coming in to look at my dirty laundry and judge me. I live in a world of very well kept facades.... the outside of the drawers look perfectly acceptable, but don't you dare open them, because who knows what will spring out at you like a jack-in-the-box.

This is something I want to change... this is something that I do not want to bring into my new home, my new life, my new me. I want to purge. I want to let go. I want to use my energy towards a forward momentum not covering up or cleaning past mistakes or laziness.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Over the Hill to Grandma's house....

Well.... we are officially off and running.

We accepted an offer on our house, we made an offer on another house and it was accepted. The house is literally a hop, skip and jump away from my mother, which we are very happy about.

I am so excited and terrified all at the same time. Our house is being inspected tomorrow, I need to make an appointment to have an inspector look at the new house.

I can't concentrate right now..... I am somewhere between flying high and wanting to throw up....

Friday, January 19, 2007

Passing out now.....

We just got 2 offers on our house....

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I hear you.....

Our house has been on the market for less than a week....

We have received 3 appointments to show - the first of which has already requested a follow-up and possible offer.....

I have no house to move to.....

I may very well be homeless on a whim.....

All of this could cause me to crawl into my crowded walk in closet and scream, but it isn't. I am going with the flow.

And I received a message... from the very last person I would seek counsel from. Having no knowledge of any of my plans, from moving, going to school and looking for a teaching job, my mother's business partner had a dream about me. She is a very religious person and she acknowledges/differentiates between when her dreams are just dreams and when they are prophetic or sending a message.

She called my mom and said she needed to talk to me - it was very important. She explained her dream and my mom said she was stunned silent. My mother called me and told me I had to talk to her.... and would give me no further information.

When I finally spoke with her, she said, "I know what I am about to tell you is important, so don't tell me anything until I have told you everything." The dream was about me selling my house and moving, and a man she didn't know (who was illuminating) explaining to her that she was going to get some news that was going to be very sad for her but it was good news. He explained to her that there were gifts in the office and he had to move them to where he needed them for a bigger purpose.

I burst into tears. I believe God sent an angel to her with this message. I told her about us wanting to move and the fact that we just put the house on the market this weekend. I did not explain to her my plans to leave the company and start teaching. I don't want to tell her over the phone, and I do not have the courage or the words to express it just yet.

But let me make this very clear....

Dear God,

I hear you.... I thank you...I trust you....I do not question you.....

....I hear you.....


Saturday, January 13, 2007

Designed to Sell

Oh, good golly, Miss Molly....

There is a "FOR SALE" sign in our front yard.

Let me just a take a moment to absorb that again....

There is a "FOR SALE" sign in my front yard.

My hubby and I did some major talking over the past few weeks. We have played polar opposites over and over, switching sides just to make sure we each got a turn to get excited and panic all at the same time.

I personally have lived with the self inflicted theory that we were not able to move and that we would never be able to move from the house that we currently occupy. We would never have the money, the opportunity, the whatever ugly thoughts I fed my psyche. I was not worth anything better, so I better make the best of what I have.
I was pretty good at fooling myself into submission.

Then I found something that I could love and took a leap of faith, did my usual research and found out.. yeah... we could get something better. But then it fell through and I got upset and started feeding the psyche it's usual chocolate covered ugliness.

So I stepped back, and I thought... why are you so upset? What is so disappointing about what just happened? What are you really feeling here?

I want more space.... I want to be somewhere were all our stuff fits and is accessible. I do not want to live out of bins that I continuously stack and re-stack from closet to closet to this side of the bed to that side of the bed. I acknowledge that some of this stuff needs to be purged, but most of it doesn't... I don't want to have to get rid of things that I want to keep just because I don't have room for them.

I want a bathroom... a real bathroom... NOT an attached closet that they hooked up a shitter, sink, and shower. I want a real bath tub that I can immerse my entire body into, light candles, turn on music and shut the door. I want to continue to sleep when my husband wakes up and gets ready for his day.

I want to be closer to stuff... I want options... I want a choice... I do not want all my decisions to be based on the fact that there is nothing close by so we have no choice. I want my children to understand that not every store is called WALMART.

I want to be closer to my family... my grandparents are about to move in with my mother and I WANT to be 2 minutes away from them so that I can help, even if it is only to bring them some milk. I want my children to know their grandmother very intimately because I never had the chance to know my grandparents other than holidays and short weekend trips. If and when I start to teach high school, we may need my mother's help when we are cutting it close to pick the kids up from school and I want it to be easy for her to make that part of her life, not stop her life.

I want a mature neighborhood. I want a neighborhood that is not made of the same 4 styles of brick over and over again with 5 foot sticks for trees. I want larger rooms on larger lots. I am willing to compromise age and a little elbow grease in order to get this. I understand it will take many years to do everything we would like to do, but I am okay with that as long as I have the shell. Of course I would love something brand new, but I also know that in order for all my other wishes to be granted, I would have to win the lottery or get something smaller than we are in now, and that is NOT an option.

I talked long and hard about it with Mike and we have finally come to the decision. Yes.... we want to move. There is no particular house we want right now. We have looked at several, and there are a few possibilities, but we not placing any eggs in any baskets. We are throwing our hat into the game. We have a beautiful house.. really... we have worked very hard and it is beautiful... but it is just not for us anymore.... and for those of you who know us.... you know it is not going to be long before those cute 4/2 yr olds turn into oak trees banging into our walls....

So again....

There is a "FOR SALE" sign in my front yard.

Monday, January 08, 2007

That's quite enough!

I am so sorry, blogosphere. Did not mean to have an emotional hissy fit here last week and then not return once I got my happy face back on. As I was telling a friend today, all the angst pretty much left the moment I pressed "Publish Post". I do believe there is great therapy when you throw it all out there, make it permenant in words, and release it to the the angels to carry it away into your past.

Let's just chalk last weeks temper tantrum up to nerves. I have decided to go back to school to get my alternate certification to teach theatre in high school. I am not really sure what the hell I am doing, but I know that is what I am being called to do. It is going to be a huge transition and it is going to rock me out of a comfort zone I have snuggled into for many years, but its time, and the only way out of it is through it. I have to do the work in order to reap the benefits, and so I am jumping in with both feet and praying for a lot of guidance and strength to make it through all the changes.

I hate the feeling of staring at a blank canvas, knowing I chose the canvas and the paints before me and then panicking at the thought of messing up the canvas. I put so much pressure on the the first stroke, the first decision, the first movement, that I become paralyzed. It's too big, it's too overwhelming, and the possibility of error and failure loom like a black cloud around me. And then Jiminey Cricket jumps on my shoulder and reminds me that I just have to try, I just have to take one small step at a time and leave myself open to change. GO WITH THE FLOW....

But what if the flow is wrong?
But what if I make a mistake?
How am I going to do this or that?

So that's what I am doing, I am going with the flow and trusting the current rather than fighting it. When I come across some some choppy waters that make me unconfortable, I trust the flow rather than fight it. Don't get me wrong, I am educating myself on how to paddle and what I am expected to do in the boat and seeking counsel from guides who have done this before, but I am trying to be open to the experience and enjoy the ride.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year Blues....

Man, I can be dark. I mean dark. I am trying real hard to pretend it is not dark in here, but it is dark. I do this every year. Post holiday crash. But this year is a doozy. I dropped my basket even before the New Year struck 12:00. This holiday was full, but no more so than any other year. Not having my dad here was shockingly tough this year, and hit me out of left field. This is the 3rd Christmas without him. The first year is supposed to be bad, the second year you focus on "new traditions" and then this year - BAM - oh no he REALLY is never coming back.

I feel like my pendulum back and forth was swinging on a shorter string this year with quick swift jerks from highs to lows.

I made a decision to change a bunch of postions in my department at work and it came with much more animosity than I expected. I had another throw down with my mother's partner at work because my tolerance of her choices and justifications has become very short.

But - I took vacation between Christmas and New Years. I needed a break, I deserved a break. Tiff (my "might as well be my sister we have been so close for so long") was in town from VA and I was going to spend some time with her and all that side of my extended family.

Christmas eve night, my husband, my mother, my kids and I all piled in the car and went to look at Christmas lights - mom says - turn down this street - there is a house here that has been on the market for a while - you guys should buy it. Turns out it is beautiful, dirt cheap for the neighborhood, and huge. Mom knows the realtor, so she calls her a couple of days later and we go look at the house. I make calls to our mortgage company and find out that bascially our mortgage would only go up about $100. We make an offer - on a house that has not had 1 offer in 6 months - and the day we make an offer, another offer is made and it's better than ours. Oh well, right? Well.... in that short 6 day window a lot of hopes and dreams and possibilities were made and smashed quickly. This house represented one of those times when we could kind of break through a wall and end up somewhere that in any other circumstance would be completely out of our reach. It was like being invited to the cool kids party, spending a lot of time getting pretty and then having them laugh and slam the door in your face the moment you ring the door bell and ask for admittance.

I did a lot of cleaning this week - mostly becuase I was having people over for dinner, but also because I wanted to be prepared in case we did put our house on the market. It felt really good to clean so intensely - I mean floor boards, cleaning the carept and upholstery, and painting the grout in the tile kind of cleaning. and yet at the same time, it made me so mad at myself that I live my life day to day, making choices that require me to work so hard, just to get the appearance of my home back to normal.

Everyday I juggled my "vacation" with my boys, Tiff & crew, looking into a busted dream, and cleaning until 2:00 in the morning, only to wake up early and do it all again. I had a momentum keeping me going...extra hugs and kisses throughout the day from my boys, a possible dream, incredibly wonderful times and conversation with the Smiths, and looking forward to having friends over for dinner and drinks.

And then Dec 31st came - it all stopped - my holiday world hit the cold hard wall of reality. The party was over, we lost the house, and I had to say goodbye to Tiff. I had to put the holiday decorations away and go back to a job I hate... and I am 10 times more exhausted than I was when I left work the week before.

I feel the bottom of the well on my feet. The rock bottom. And I have great solice in that feeling even though right now I am crying one of those crys that comes so hard and deep. I even know the steps I need to take to start climbing up the walls of the well towards the light, but I am so tired right now that I cannot find the energy to place my hands on the ladder...but I will.

..maybe not tonight.. or even tomorrow... but I will.