Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year Blues....

Man, I can be dark. I mean dark. I am trying real hard to pretend it is not dark in here, but it is dark. I do this every year. Post holiday crash. But this year is a doozy. I dropped my basket even before the New Year struck 12:00. This holiday was full, but no more so than any other year. Not having my dad here was shockingly tough this year, and hit me out of left field. This is the 3rd Christmas without him. The first year is supposed to be bad, the second year you focus on "new traditions" and then this year - BAM - oh no he REALLY is never coming back.

I feel like my pendulum back and forth was swinging on a shorter string this year with quick swift jerks from highs to lows.

I made a decision to change a bunch of postions in my department at work and it came with much more animosity than I expected. I had another throw down with my mother's partner at work because my tolerance of her choices and justifications has become very short.

But - I took vacation between Christmas and New Years. I needed a break, I deserved a break. Tiff (my "might as well be my sister we have been so close for so long") was in town from VA and I was going to spend some time with her and all that side of my extended family.

Christmas eve night, my husband, my mother, my kids and I all piled in the car and went to look at Christmas lights - mom says - turn down this street - there is a house here that has been on the market for a while - you guys should buy it. Turns out it is beautiful, dirt cheap for the neighborhood, and huge. Mom knows the realtor, so she calls her a couple of days later and we go look at the house. I make calls to our mortgage company and find out that bascially our mortgage would only go up about $100. We make an offer - on a house that has not had 1 offer in 6 months - and the day we make an offer, another offer is made and it's better than ours. Oh well, right? Well.... in that short 6 day window a lot of hopes and dreams and possibilities were made and smashed quickly. This house represented one of those times when we could kind of break through a wall and end up somewhere that in any other circumstance would be completely out of our reach. It was like being invited to the cool kids party, spending a lot of time getting pretty and then having them laugh and slam the door in your face the moment you ring the door bell and ask for admittance.

I did a lot of cleaning this week - mostly becuase I was having people over for dinner, but also because I wanted to be prepared in case we did put our house on the market. It felt really good to clean so intensely - I mean floor boards, cleaning the carept and upholstery, and painting the grout in the tile kind of cleaning. and yet at the same time, it made me so mad at myself that I live my life day to day, making choices that require me to work so hard, just to get the appearance of my home back to normal.

Everyday I juggled my "vacation" with my boys, Tiff & crew, looking into a busted dream, and cleaning until 2:00 in the morning, only to wake up early and do it all again. I had a momentum keeping me going...extra hugs and kisses throughout the day from my boys, a possible dream, incredibly wonderful times and conversation with the Smiths, and looking forward to having friends over for dinner and drinks.

And then Dec 31st came - it all stopped - my holiday world hit the cold hard wall of reality. The party was over, we lost the house, and I had to say goodbye to Tiff. I had to put the holiday decorations away and go back to a job I hate... and I am 10 times more exhausted than I was when I left work the week before.

I feel the bottom of the well on my feet. The rock bottom. And I have great solice in that feeling even though right now I am crying one of those crys that comes so hard and deep. I even know the steps I need to take to start climbing up the walls of the well towards the light, but I am so tired right now that I cannot find the energy to place my hands on the ladder...but I will.

..maybe not tonight.. or even tomorrow... but I will.

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