Monday, December 27, 2004

He shoots...HE SCORES!!

Three points for my loving husband, Ta Ta!
When Mike and I got engaged it was sort of last minutes notice for him. I kinda ruined the surprise because it was Christmas time and we were going home to Texas and I kept pushing and asking questions and he kept hinting and leading me on. I assumed we were getting engaged. His plan was to ask my dad for my hand in marriage then ask me to marry him around my birthday the following April. Well, when I found out his plan I was devastated. Not because he wasn't going to ask me, but because I ruined the surprise. Mike felt aweful. He then conspired with my mom and my sister to speed the process up surprise me at Christmas. The down side of this process was that we could not afford a ring at such short notice. My mom offered the use of her ring, but Mike decided to use his grandmother's ring that had ended up with his sister after she died. It was a beautiful ring, but here was the catch... she wanted it back! I understood, but again I was devastated.
I had never really gotten over the fact that technically I did not have an engagement ring... that was until this Christmas.
Over the past year my husband has been secretly conspiring to get me a ring. He has held on to this ring for the past 4 months waiting to give it to me for Christmas. It is an exact replica of his grandmother's ring! For the first time in our relationship he got me... truly got me. I was so surprised by the ring! I was even more surprised by the fact that he managed to keep it a secret from me for a year!
Thank you... thank you... thank you....
I love you, Michael!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Hard Candy Christmas

I miss you dad...

I really, really miss you.

I am not sure if you sent the snow as a joke or if God just waited to send the snow until after you were gone (we all know you moved away from NY to get away from the snow). Either way it is beautiful. Max is definitely your grandson. He loved the snow for about 5 minutes before he started wandering back to the door because he was so cold. It is a Christmas of firsts... first "Whitish" Christmas... first Christmas with Ben... first Christmas without you.
I hate the fact that we have to pretend that everything is okay and that life goes on without you. I know that we will have new traditions in the Christmas' to come, but this Christmas all I can think of is the traditions that aren't the same without you.
Remember the time you and I went to get dinner on Christmas Eve and when we got back Santa had already been there? Mom and Karen were getting ready for Midnight Mass and said that Santa had to stop by our house early and that we missed him!
Remember the year that you and Karen fought over the red M&M's and Karen played a joke on you by removing all the red Christmas M&M's and left you nothing but the green ones?
Remember how you always waited until the last minute to get mom's gifts and yet they were always the most beautiful, like her Waterford crytsal egg collection?
Remember the Christmas we spent in the apartment after our house burned down? It is hard to believe that we fit 4 adults, 3 cats, and a Christmas tree in a little 2 bedroom apartment.
Well... I gotta go... Max just came in here and it is time for night night. He is very excited about all the gifts under the tree.
Don't worry dad, just like the old song goes," we'll be fine and dandy.." just feels like a Hard Candy Christmas.
I miss you dad...
I really really miss you...

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

In honor of my sister's 37th birthday

I thank God everyday for my sister, Karen. Even though we are very different, she balances me the way no other person can. We did not become friends until we were adults, but now I could not imagine my life without her love, support and friendship. She brought into my life a wonderful brother-in-law and 3 beautiful children. She is a wonderful aunt to my sons. She is the most loyal, hard working person I know. She is also the most beautiful, put togther person I know, hair and make-up always done and always perfect. Her birthday seems to get lost in the holiday shuffle, so I wanted to take the time to say, Happy Birthday... I love you!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Our First Family Trip to Walmart

I am never leaving my house again... at least not with my entire family.
So today we venture out for the first time as a family. The energy it took to remember everything that we might possibly need for a newborn and 2 yr old nearly killed us. Mike and I kept yelling across the house to each other, "Don't forget a change of clothes for Ben!" "Did you grab extra diapers for Max?" As soon as we are "ready" to leave Ben needs to be nursed. So I tell Mike to go ahead and pack up the car and get Max in his car seat, Ben and I will be right there. Of course this is the time Ben decides to treat his nursing time as a 5 course meal in an gourmet restaurant.
Okay, we are in the car...Mike and I realize we have forgotten all of our stuff, ie sunglasses, list for the store, but oh well.. we must make sacrifices. We get to the store which is packed. I have no idea why I thought that going to Walmart in the middle of the day the week before Christmas was going to be easy. Mike then poses the question, "one cart or two?" We opt for 2... we get 50 feet in the door when Max freaks out.... he wants in the cart with Baby Ben... no problem... we get to the toy section to get some last minute gifts, Mike and I get separated. Max is in the cart, Ben in his car seat. Ben gets the hiccups. I pick up Ben and try to burp/comfort with one hand and steer the cart with Max with the other down aisles full of carts of people trying to buy toys. At this point I am starting to lose my cool ( I think we are 10 minutes into our journey). I am trying to play a very delicate balance of not screaming out Mike's name and smiling and thanking all the strangers who keep stopping me to comment on how beautiful my children are. Now, I am truly grateful that total strangers feel the need to comment on how adorable my newborn is and how cute my 2 year old is, but my back is killing me, my incision is burning and my 2 year old desperately wants out to play with the spiderman truck thingys!!
I find Mike and inform him that, no.. we are not going to split up with 2 carts.. We will just have to make due with one. I tell him there is no time for dilly dallying.. we are on a mission and we are not going to be side tracked by end of the aisles impulse buy stands. Mike takes Max out of the cart.. a very bold move, but we have no choice. We get to the grocery section and things appear to be going smoothly, Ben has fallen asleep and is back in his car seat. Max is being mommy and daddy's helper by putting everything in the cart... he loves doing this and it wears him down running in between mommy and daddy. Next thing you know Max is lying on the floor in front of the cart...MAY DAY!!!MAY DAY!!! Max has discovered the toys that we were trying to hide under the cart! SO from the can veggies through the frozen food section, Max is desperately trying to stop the cart to play with the toys while we are desperately trying to distract him from laying spread eagle in front of the cart. We can no longer put him in the cart because we have filled it with paper towels and toilet paper!
We finally get to the checkout... the best and worst part of our journey... the best because we are almost done... the worst because there is absolutely nothing to do but stand in line behind 3 other carts and not move for 10-15 minutes... a favorite past time for all 2 year olds and their parents. This is when you realize that the people who put all the crap by the checkout stand truly are evil. "Max, put that down.. Max, you don't need it... Max.. I promise we are almost done" Ben starts to cry...Oh my God... we have been in Walmart for 2 hours and it is time for Ben to eat again...Max is crying from boredom...Ben is crying from hunger...Mommy is crying from nerves...Daddy is crying because we are spending way too much money...
We get home and I immediately put my PJ's back on. Mike changes Ben's diaper and settles Max in front of some cartoons. I nurse Ben while Mike puts everything away (Thank you, my love). We eat dinner and I fall asleep on the couch from total exhaustion...TOTAL EXHAUSTION FROM ONE TRIP TO WALMART!
Like I said... I am never leaving my house again.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Learn how to Fall

I do not know how to fall.
I was listening to the background music for the end of "Somethings Gotta Give" and I heard Paul Simon's lyrics, "before you can fly, you gotta learn how to fall." It hit me in the core of my soul so hard that I instantly started crying. Not the poor me, emotions running high kind of cry. The someone just thumped my crystal bowl and it is now resonating through my entire body kind of cry.
I have never learned how to fall. I have never learned the art of brushing myself off when I am down. I have had my moments when I managed to get up in front of the audience and distract them with a joke so that they don't laugh at my fall, but I have never gone back and learned from the fall. I just move on and promise never to do anything like that again because it hurt to fall and I don't want to do that again. I have spent endless amounts of energy padding the ground before I take the leap so that if and when I do fall it won't hurt as much. It amazes me how much energy I spend padding and prettying my surroundings so that I can't get hurt.
Why am I so scared to hurt? Why is falling so scary? Why do I spend more energy focused on the fall rather than the leap?
I hate the fact that the older I get the less I leap. I hate it! The few times I have leapt with abandon, I nailed the landing on the other side. Boy did it feel good! It felt like I was flying and I loved that feeling. The problem is that I have no idea how I did it or how to capture it moment to moment and learn from the experience. So, instead I just sit here on the other side and reminisce about how great it was and how much I wish it would blow my way again.
And then there are the times when I had no idea that I was leaping in the first place. The next thing you know I am in the air thinking, "How cool is this? I am flying.. do you see me? I AM FLYING!!"
I am tired of avoiding the fall.
I do not want to teach my children how to avoid falls.
I want my children to have scrapped elbows and bloody knees.
It is time to stop planting flowers on the ground and softening it with mulch.
It is time to get out the first aid kit.

Friday, December 17, 2004

When all else fails.. take a nap!

The dreaded PPD is here... postpartum depression.
I admit that I was one of those women who thought that PPD was just a bunch of crap. I never really had any problems with Max.. or at least I have great amnesia concerning these events. Enter child #2...
We have really been very fortunate that our adjustment to the new baby has gone very well.. no major bumps in the road. Yes, we have had our night time feedings and cranky moments but nothing that would cause our house of cards to come crumbling down. That was until Wednesday night.
Wednesday we were invited to our first "Feit Family Middle of the Night Party". Apparently, the invitation for Mike and myself was lost in the mail, but I understand the invitation went something like this:
To: Mommy, Daddy, Max & Ben
When: Wednesday night
Time: 3 AM - ???
Where: Mommy and Daddy's Bed
There will be a late night snack of milk for Max and Mama's moo juice for Ben during the 100th viewing of "Cow" ... or "Home on the Range" for those of you who do not know the language of Maxese.
Ben showed up early to the party, around midnight or so. I guess he was really excited about being invited to his 1st party and didn't want to miss anything. So from 12-3 we played the "nurse to sleep, lay in bassinet, scream bloody murder" game.
3 AM: Right on time... "knock, knock, knock" from Max's room (literally.. Max knocks when he wants out of his room because we keep his door shut during the night) Mike and I look at each other with pure panic. "KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!"
Mike opens his door and here comes Max skipping in to our room like it was 9 am on a Saturday. Mike and I are in no position to fight this... we put the movie on, serve the refreshments, then arrange everyone in the bed between Mike and I so no one falls off the bed... except maybe us...
5 AM: Max has had enough and goes back to bed. Ben who has never been to a party doesn't know when it is time for the party to end. He then decides to play the "nurse, bassinet, bloody murder" game again until 7 or 8. At this point Grandma has taken over. She tells us that Ben's party finally ended with a huge gas bubble that exploded from every open space in that child's body. He then relaxed and fell into a very deep sleep.
Here is where the PPD sets in...after a good morning nap, Ben is still a little fussy and isn't sleeping much more than 30-45 minute stretches and usually attached to my breast. During these little stretches I am trying to "take care of things" which included picking up the house, attempting laundry, looking at our financial situation and trying to figure out how we are going to retire before we are 90... you know really important stuff that all mothers 1 week post delivery should be doing.
3:30 PM: Ben needs Mama's moo juice again... well he needs my breasts again. My breasts which are currently on fire from all the partying we have been doing over the past 12-14 hours. Suddenly I find myself launched into the "Look Who's Talking" scene where Kirstie Alley is dressed like a street bum and crying her eyes out because she is an aweful mother and her child has some weird baby disease.
I can't take it... I am sorry.. I chose poorly... I can't do this... I am so sorry Ben to drag you into this... I ... am ... so .....tired....
I calm down enough to snuggle Ben and I into the bed. I take very long deep breaths of my precious son's smell and eventually drift off to sleep.
I wake up to my 2nd Thursday of the day.. a much more pleasant, reasonable, manageable Thursday. I can breathe deeper. I can make better decisions... I can see clearly.
So.... when the world is crumbling, and you can't seem to find which direction is which... just have an emotional explosion and take a nap... things will be better when you wake up... err.. strike that...things will probably be exactly the same, but you will be able to handle it better!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The New Mommy of Two

Hello from the other side....

I feel like I have been sucked through some sort of black hole that placed the last 6 days in limbo while the universe re-arranged the details of my new life.

From the moment we left the Smith's house after dropping Max off, I felt like I got onto a new ride at Disney World and I wasn't really sure what to expect. I knew it was gonna be big and leave a huge impression on me for the rest of my life, but other than that I just had to get on and enjoy the ride. Others had been on the ride before and tried to tell me all about it, but you never really know until you get on for yourself.

I do not remember a lot of the details because it all runs together and overwhelms me, but I do remember some frozen moments, like pictures, that I hope I never forget.

My nurse Liz: Loved her from the moment I turned the corner into my waiting area. Crazy, funny, full of energy. She was with me from the prep, thru surgery, recovery and wheeled me up to my room. They was something amazingly calming about having the same person through the whole process. I didn't have to tell the same story over and over again. She knew when I was hurting before I had to tell her. Truly an Angel who walked into my life, held my hand with unconditional support, then sent me on my path to continue the journey. God Bless Her!

Ben's 1st cry: Tears of joy! It was a voice I had never heard before but knew instantly. As they were cleaning him up, they were concerned that he was grunting for air because he was 2 weeks early, but my mother's instinct said, "Sure, go ahead and look at him, but he is perfect, he just told me so!"

Max meeting Ben: Max was so wired from his exciting day with NaNa Linda, Grandpa Jim, Uncle Pablo, Uncle TJ and Kim (I cannot thank them enough for making this so special for him). Everyone was in the room and he thought it was a party. Finally the moment... Ben was coming... everyone left the room so that we could have a family moment. Mike took Max out into the hall with everyone to see Ben and I heard gushes of joy coming from everyone when Ben had arrived... then Max comes back into the room with this look like... "You are never gonna believe what I just saw!" The nurse gave me Ben and instantly Max wanted on the bed to kiss and love on Ben. He was just so excited to see him and luckily that feeling has not worn off yet!

Bonding with Ben: Ben and I had a lot of alone time together, which was wonderful. Breast feeding has come so naturally with him. He latched right on the first time as if we had done this a thousand times before. Whenever he came back from the nursery, he would first pull back from me, look around, smell the air, then you could see the conscious thought of, "Yes... this is where I want to be, where I am supposed to be... thank you nurse lady.. you can leave!" and chomp right on my breast!

There is so much more... and I am sure I will share much more.. but one thing about being a new mom is that you do not need a clock anymore... my aching breasts are telling me that it is almost time for Ben to wake up for his dinner!

A million thanks to Emily for keeping the blog updated and for posting all the pictures!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Welcome to the world Benjamin Thomas!
Could Max love him any more??? Look how tiny Ben looks next to Mike's arm.
Max loves his Baby Ben!
Max meets Ben for the first time!
The boys! Daddy (Mike), Big Brother (Max) and Baby Ben! Such good looking guys!
Could you just eat those feet?????
Precious blue eyed baby!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

He's HERE!!!!!!!!

Hi there! Em here. Have you been waiting as impatiently as I have for this baby to get here?????? FINALLY!!!!!!

Benjamin Thomas Feit has made his way into this world! Aunt Karen said that he looks NOTHING like precious Max but is as cute as a button! He was born at 1:05 p.m. He weighs 8 lbs. 4 oz. and is 20 inches long. Has brown hair (and they can't seem to agree if he has a hint of red in it or not) but is definitely NOT a carrot top like Max.

He was breathing a little fast and grunting some so they took him to the level 2 NICU and expect him to be there only a couple of hours. Otherwise everyone is happy and healthy.

I'll be keeping you updated here for a couple of days until Becky is ready to be back on the computer. As soon as I get a picture I'll get it on here!

Here we go!

Well... we are off!

I am trying hard to occupy myself while Mike gets Max ready to go spend the day with NaNa Linda, Grandpa Jim & Uncle TJ.

Oh, Ben...What's he gonna look like? Is he going to be just like Max? Are we finally going to be able to see a Randall-Matula male offspring after 4 trys?

I cannot wait to shove my face into his and smell and kiss him all over!

I am actually shaking right now, both out of excitement and exhaustion. I am looking forward to the medicine induced sleep.

I have asked Emily to post the details later today!

Keep us in your prayers!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Anxious Excited Paralysis

Try staying with me on this one....
I feel like Robert Dinero in "Awakenings". Robin Williams' character had a theory that people who suffered from the comatose state like Robert Dinero's character actually suffered from a severe case of parkinson's or parkinson shakes that literally shakes the muscles into paralysis.
That is what I feel like today. My anxiety level has shot up to a level that has sent me into a state of calm. It's that, "I am going to sit here and do nothing because I am too busy thinking of everything that I cannot manage to figure out what to do first even though there is nothing to do really, except absolutely everything..."
Ever been there?
The outside doesn't move, but the inside is running on this triathalon energy that you can feel running through your bones. The extra sense of calm comes from the fact that you know you are just anxious about what is going to happen in the next few days. I tried very hard to not plan or think out every detail of this part of the journey. Now I feel like I have to rush because I didn't plan the details, though I also know that the details I make up in my head are totally bogus.. it never goes that way, so why bother wasting the energy. I'll tell you why... because the bogus planning is distracting and easy. A whole lot easier than clearing your mind trying to get to a place of focus to make the most of this glorious moment we are about to experience.
I feel like it is the day before going on a big trip to the amusement park. Did I pack everything? What do I want to wear? I can't wait to ride that ride! Oh I hope I do not get dragged on that ride (but actually I do hope someone convinces me to get on that ride!)

P.S... to my pregnant friends out there... and you know who you are.. do not watch any self help shows prior to this state... TLC and Dr. Phil are totally off limits, they just add fuel to the fire that you cannot seem to step away from....

The family expansion countdown

Yes... It really is 2 o'clock in the morning and I am up...

Yes... I already wrote this damn blog once today, probably more eloquant and witty than it will be now...

Yes... I am tired but I cannot seem to sleep...

So three days until our little corner of the universe expands from 3 to 4. I really cannot believe it! I spend a lot of time projecting into the future and not living in the moment. My work schedule requires me to project 60 days in advance and review 60 days prior at any time, so I always catch myself thinking, when this 60 days is up, I will be yada yada... or I remember when I started this patient thinking yada yada.. but bed rest has definitely allowed me to be immersed, pleasant or not, in the present.
I can honestly say that we (the collective Ben & I) are ready. We are no longer comfortable awake, asleep, resting, going, reading, watching TV. Today Mike watched the WWF match in my stomache as Ben tried to see if his current boundaries were really as strict as my twisting facial pains announced them to be... I know I should get used to this as this will be our parent child struggle for the rest of my life.
Max has taken full advantage of his only child status for the final weekend. He started throwing up and running a 102+ temp on Friday night. I called the on-call MD in a panic thinking, "great we are going to have the stomache flu right before bringing a new life into the world", but she assured me that it was probably just mucas from a bad upper respiratory or ear infection. Mike took Max in on Saturday and confirmed it was just bad sinusitis, so we have spent the majority of the weekend snuggling on the couch and watching movies.

A quick thank you to my loving husband, Mike. My cleaning "nesting instinct" has really been a bug up his butt lately... I start nesting... decide I can't finish it... then pout until he finishes it... thank you... I love you, Ta Ta.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Week 37 check up

All is still good...
We are still on track for Dec. 8th...
Blood work slightly elevated so she did again..this would be the only factor for her calling me in early for c-section...
Home: pretty much ready...
Christmas up and sparkiling...
Bassinet arrived from Karen's today...
Back room not ready , but have resigned myself to 3 out of 4 requests from my husband is good enough... (Floors: check... Max's Big boy room: check...Christmas...Check)
Probably could do 1-2 more loads of laundry....
Will need to do a quick clean sweep over weekend, but honestly feel like we are ready and I can relax...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Thanksgiving memories

So Thursday morning I decide it is time for Max to be introduced to one of mommy's favorite holiday past times.... Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. And just to prove that I did have some little part in the genetic make up of my husband's clone... he loved it... danced with the music and ooh'd and awe'd over the balloons. In my haste I told him that one day mommy and Daddy would take him there to see it in person...
I say that I spoke in haste because my 1st and only experience of actually seeing the parade in person was well.... aweful!!!
Mama Beck was having her 1st Thanksgiving away from home. I was determined to make this the coolest Thanksgiving ever! Allison and Todd had just moved to New York in April.. Kyle and I in September.. and Tiff was up visiting from Virginia. I am up way too late the night before preparing the stuffing, blah blah blah... I then wake up way too early to stuff the turkey and wake up Kyle and Tiff so we can make the trek into the city to see our 1st Macy's parade. We (in Queens) had made plans to meet Todd & Al (in Brooklyn) some where on the upper West side. So we throw on sweats and lots of warming attire (it was damn cold). Kyle and Tiff are not nearly as excited about being up this early in the cold and wet as I am... but in Mama Beck style I convince them this would be a day we would never forget!!
We change trains to start heading up town when all of a sudden Tiff says..."Isn't that Al?" This is a crazy never gonna happen again New York moment... not only are we on the same train of the hundreds running that day, but we are in the same car (of the thousands to chose from). Allison hears Tiff and looks up with tears in her eyes and Todd several benches away from her... WARNING!! My dearest friends had been playing host to Todd's parent's all week... to give you an idea of what house guests in New York is like.. imagine the smallest walk in closet in your home.. stuff everything you own into it, then stuff a couple of large suitcases and unfold your couch into a queen size bed.... shove it up 5 flights of steep stairs that has no elevator and "Viola" you have Todd & Al's Brooklyn apartment with guests. Now it s not the guests fault... Todd's parent's are wonderful!! But you can only take so much wonderful when the radiator is blowing off hot air constantly!
So... Todd & Al are in a fight.... Kyle and Tiff are cold and grumpy.. I am determined this is still the right thing to do!
We get off the subway and start heading towards to Central Park... no... we turn around and then start heading towards Central Park. We finally catch up with all the crowds and start to wait for our turn to see the giant balloons and holiday floats with pseudo stars that just got cast in their 1st big break on NBC. We still have quite a while to wait... and it is getting colder... and wetter.. and colder thanks to the brisk uptown wind that is gonna be bringing those damn balloons. The crowds are getting bigger... people think that just because they have small children they can inch their way to the front and then I see Kyle looking up in anger at a window. There is a spoiled little brat in her cozy PJ's on the third floor of her million dollar Central Park West Apt with floor to ceiling windows mocking us.. literally sticking her tongue out and mocking us... At this point I am sure that Kyle is going to use Tiff, who now looks like a little slovac orphan we picked up on the streets because her clothes are so wet they are touching the ground, as a weapon to hurl at the little girl 3 floors up!
My team is quickly giving up on me... but we have waited so long!! We are too close!! And then the clowns show up.. followed by a clown balloon that is basically kissing the street because the wind is so strong, the handlers have to keep the balloons very low to the ground... I give up.... I am defeated... I am too wet and too cold to care...
We stop at a little cafe, I take off my gloves and my hands are black...the dye from my leather gloves have stained my hands black!
On the subway ride home the floors are so wet, that when the train makes a sudden stop, I go sliding down the car until some random stranger (not my friends, mind you) stands up and catches me!
The train slowly empty's until Kyle, Tiff, and I all have seats.. the next thing you know Kyle is screaming, "GIRLS!!" because we had all fallen asleep and the doors to our stop were closing... we crammed out.. stopped at the store for some lava soap to get the dye out of my hands so that I can make dinner...
Dinner was great... short of Tiff's ex-boyfriend having no clue when to leave, not that we were done... we were done with him...slow chap!
So maybe it wasn't Mama Beck's finest thanksgiving, but it sure was one of the most memorable!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Hearing Voices

Yes... I am hearing voices.

I do not think that I am going crazy because I am perfectly aware that what I am hearing is crazy and impossible. Last night I woke up 4 times clealry hearing a man's voice speaking in my ear. Not just voices in your head... like random thoughts or comments, but in my ear like a bug flying around. I am dreaming along when totally unrelated I am jarred awake by a random comment unrelated to the dream.
I do not remember the 1st comment.
The second comment was "Did you remember to make the car payment?" We don't have any car payments.
The third was " I want my mommy" I started to get up thinking Mike rescued Max and he needed mommy to hold him, but by the time I was standing I see Mike sleeping soundly next to me.. now I am getting irritated. I tell Mike what has happened all night long.
The fourth was my name being yelled at me to get up.."BECKY!" I get up put my glasses on walk into the living room where Mike is getting ready for work. I assume he is running late and needs my help to get going.
I say "what do you need"..
He looks at me very worried and says "I don't need anything"
"Then why did you you yell at me to wake up?"
"Babe, I didn't say a word"
"Yes you did... you yelled ,'BECKY!'"
"Oh Honey... you have had a bad night... I didn't call you... I haven't said a word"

So now it is not enough that I am getting these little stretches of sleep, but now I am being awakened by some voice in my ear during the little time that I am sleeping!!

If it is a ghost, it better be prepared to defend it's ass.. I am a woman on the edge who likes her sleep!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

36 week check up

36 where has the time gone...

So, bed rest did the trick. I lost a pound and my blood pressure was perfectly normal today. For the first time a homeopathic approach kicked conventional drugs' ass for me.
She drew labs as a precaution, but she is very cofident that we are actually going to be able to keep our Dec 8th 12:30 date to meet Ben. As long as I continue doing what I am supposed to be doing which is rest.
And rest is what I do. I got to my appointment 5 minutes late because I fell asleep at home. While I was waiting for my room in the 2nd waiting area, I nearly feel asleep again. Tami the nurse practioner came around to talk to me and asked how I was doing and I said I was tired, she frowned and said "you better be on bed rest young lady!" and I assured her that I was... and that is all I can do.. rest... I try so hard to occupy myself with books or movies but it is nearly impossible to stay awake when laying completely flat.
I am also a complete adrenaline junkie.. I love deadlines and last minute details.. I live for big projects and presentations... my plug has been pulled and now all I want to do is sleep... maybe I can catch up on all the sleep deprivation for the past 30 years...

Monday, November 22, 2004

I love my Max!

I am sure that I am being way more nostalgic about Max because Ben is right around the corner, or it could be that because I normally run at 100-150 miles per minute I never get to see the little things and bed rest allows you to see everything... including dirty floor boards (see previous post).
Max had his 2 yr birthday last Sunday. My sister has always been very into birthdays... every birthday should be special and every birthday should be celebrated to the hilt. I am not like this. I know that my 2 year old doesn't comprehend what birthday means, much less is he going to remember it.... oh contrare....
So after we got home from dinner and my dad's memorial service we brought the kids happy meals. They really had no interest in them because they were wired from playing together all afternoon. Karen was trying to coax Max into eating some of his dinner, but it just wasn't going to happen. Then she started into the "who's birthday is it?" game. And to my surprise, my son very excitedly grabbed his chest and started chanting "birthday! birthday!" I thought this had to be a coincidence.
So since it was getting later we skip the happy meals and move to the cupcakes. Max had picked out his "Shrek" birthday cup cakes the night before with Daddy and he was very excited to see them presented to him with candles lit on top. He knew they were for him... he knew he was supposed to blow them out.... his eyes were just glowing in the candle light with excitement that this was for HIM!!
Then it was time for the presents... again... he knew they were for him and he knew that he got to keep them. And they were "BOY TOYS"... trucks and cars and and an aqua doodle. The aqua doodle was cool, but Kaitlyn played with it while Kameron and he played with the trucks. It was the 1st time we ever saw them split up into sexes versus ages to play.

The hugs are so tight right now...
The kisses are genuine... not just because I ask...
The smiles light up my soul...
He sees me frustrated in bed and tries to tickle me to make me laugh...

I need to botttle this and keep it safe...

Friday, November 19, 2004


One minor change....

My husband told me last night that he could not comment on my blog and I had heard from others that they could not either, but I think I fixed that now.

So now anyone, including those who do not have blogs yourself... (but please go get one...) can comment.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

My shower at work

They cancelled my shower....

who does that?

They all just forgot and no one had any gifts...

who does that?

...I wanted to watch Oprah and Dr. Phil anyway...

Random google cleaning thoughts

Okay.. bordom has already set in. I have yet to get myself into a groove of things I would like to do.. ie read.. Dr. Phil... Oprah....

Something very cool.. have you ever googled yourself?... it is kind of interesting... what is really cool is if you google your blog.. kind of makes you feel like you are an important part of this internet universe and if people really needed to find you, they could.

Of course I am sure that we all have dreams that this could one day turn into some sort of non-fiction Bridgett Jones' Diary and we could make millions from just writing random thoughts. I am pretty positive that some of my thoughts are worth at least 2 cents!!

Bed rest had me up every hour on the hour last night... which normally is not that big of a deal because I can go right back to sleep, but last night I was not so fortunate. I was almost relieved when the clock said 5:15 and I could hear Max stirring. He got up and we snuggled on the couch for a while before Mike got up. This is also the time when I noticed that the fridge is broke yet again. Did you know Sears will accept service requests at 5:30 am?? The only reason I am not through the roof again is because we are still under warranty... I think thi is the 1st time I have ever opted for the extended service warranty ever and it has paid off.

I will be venturing out into the big world today... work had scheduled my baby shower for today. I am aweful though, because I am hoping it is very quick ... Dr. Phil and his crisis husband, wife, and pregnant mistress are supposed to be on.... Oh and OPRAH!!!!! Today they go to this woman's house who- on the outside- is perfect.. perfectly dressed, perfect hair, perfect jewelry.. and they go to her house and it is horrible!!!! Pet feces everywhere... the bathroom covered in mildew.. kitchen hasn't been cleaned in 2 years!!! This is my greatest fear....

I come from a long line of perfectionist cleaners, both maternal and paternal sides... My father never... EVER... allowed dishes in the sink for more than the time it took for the event.. ie dinner was clean before we sat down to watch TV.. breakfast was put away before we left in the morning.... ANd not just put in the dishwasher... cleaned and put in the dishwasher... Tiff & Kyle used to make so much fun of me because I come from a family where dishes are washed with soapy water in the sink and disinfected in the dishwasher... I would spend forever in the kitchen cleaning the dishes and Kyle & tiff would say just put them on the shelf! My mother... there was no such thing as dust or a dirty bathroom... My grandparents... again.. no magazines stacked anywhere.. no nothing stacked anywhere, not even in closets... SO any remote mess makes me feel like a slob. I genuinely believe that when people come over to my house they notice my dirty floor boards and assume I live like a slob.. even though I have never noticed a floor board in anyone else's home. The idea of someone "dropping by" my house makes me want to hurl!!

I have to stop talking about cleaning because now I am having this overwhleming desire to clean my floor boards rather than lay back down which is what I am supposed to do....

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


what a joke.....

Yes, I have been placed on bed rest. I was placed on bed rest last Tuesday. Here has been my "bed rest" schedule since then.

Wednesday: slept late, went to work, came home, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, gave my 35lb 2 yr old a bath, put him to bed kicking and screaming, made it to bed around 9:30.

Thursday: Very similar to Wednesday execept I chose a high sodium drive thru for dinner.

Friday: Worst day at work... now blood pressure has risen because I am trying to cram a 10 hr day into 4 hours, luckily I have a large stomach to blame my outbursts towards my employees on... my sister reminds me that hypertension leads to stroke & heart attack... great now I am doing a bad job at work, as a mom and as an incubator.

Saturday: Spent the day changing videos on the TV for Max in between cleaning all the new clothes for Ben and cleaning all the old stuff( baby carrier, swing, bouncy seat) and transitioning all of Max's clothes from summer to fall/winter. Beg and plead with Max to lay down and take a nap with mommy at around 3:30. Mom comes over around 7:00 so that we can prepare our annual very important meeting for work until 11:30.

Sunday: Wake up, continue laundry, clean kitchen so that Ali, the babysitter, does not think my family lives like a slob. Family goes to hospice memorial service for my dad... very hard but not ready to go there just yet here... went to dinner then came home to celebrate Max's 2 yr birthday with presents and cake... also another post... get to bed around 10:30.

Monday: Get up and get dressed because Modern Pest control supposed to be at house around 8 am. Continue working on the meeting for work until 6:00 when I then make it to the office to complete everything I could not complete at home. Got home around 10:00... in bed around 11:00.

Tuesday: Got up, Karen took me to get some new nightgowns for the hospital, went to my ultra sound.. baby is already 8 lbs and measuring 38 weeks even though I am only 35 weeks. Went to MD who now tells me ... have you been on bed rest?... Uh, huh.. sure.... Well now you are for real... you have bathroom and shower privlidges but that is about it.... Left MD to go get gifts for big meeting ... went to office to get my reports for big meeting.. went to big meeting... got home around 9:30 in bed by 10:30.

Today.... bed rest... really.... slept until 11:00... laid there until 12:00.. ate lunch... laid back down... decided I wanted to write for awhile so here I am....

C-section has been moved to December 8th, but MD also said that was being generous.. I asked if we could at least make it until December because we have too many events already for November.. I would like to spread it out just a little!

And for those of you who are asking... where is Mike??? He is here... unfortunately his work has kept him at jobs later than usual lately and that is just our dumb luck...

I am fine... I really really am... It is very hard to be put on bed rest for a condition that you cannot feel... I do not feel sick... I do not have headaches... so I feel guilty for laying around when there is so much I want to be doing because I am sick with something I do not feel...

I think this is going to be very boring for the next few weeks so I am sure I will be posting a lot more...

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


I seem to be strolling down memory lane a lot lately. Not sure if it is because my life right now is too chaotic and boring that I prefer to think of the good ole days, or what... but since I am strolling I thought I would take you on a walk:

Amazed, Lone Star: Mike and I dancing to several songs in our apartment trying to decide what our wedding song was going to be and him saying that this was it because he fell more and more in love with me the more we were together.

With Arms Wide Open, Creed: Being pregant with Max.

Summer nights, Grease: holding Tiff and & Em's hands as we watched the bouncing ball sing-a-long version on New Year's Eve in North Carolina.

House of the Rising Sun: My dad, my dad, my dad..... all conversation ceased and the music blared so loud you would think the car windows would shatter from the base.

The Sun will Rise, Lion King (Broadway): Sitting in my back yard in Texas with my feet in the pool listening to Allison play this song in New York and wishing I could fly through the stars to be there with her.

Is it over Yet? Wynnona: Me, Kyle and Hollie sitting on our "porch", smoking until wee hours of the morning with this song on repeat.

Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion: Tiff... out of no where in the car said she dedicated this song to me.

Hold on my Heart, Phil Collins: Prom weekend.. more specifically driving home form prom weekend on the sea wall in Galveston remebering I would never forget that moment.

Black Velvet: Almost losing my "innocence".

New York State of Mind, Billy Joel: Allison and Todd, Brooklyn apartment, the view of one tiny piece of the World Trade Center in the window.

Girl you know it's true, Milli Vanilli: Calling 104 and talking to the morning DJ and swearing to be a witness to them not lip sync-ing at Astroworld the weekend before!!

Canon in D, Pachabel: All weddings I have ever been too... way more so than the wedding march itself.

Care to add any?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Reminiscing like Rock Stars

So this past Friday night I went out with Allison to celebrate her 30th birthday. No, she didn't turn 30 this past month, but I am late with everything and there were extenuating circumstances around her birthday.
I decided that I was going to take her to see "Greater Tuna" at the new Stafford Center. I have always wanted to see it and I knew that she had talked about it all the time, but it wasn't until we got there and I could hear her quoting most of the show that I had any idea how important this show was to her. If you are not familiar with the show, it is based in smalltown Tuna, Texas. Two male actors play all the roles in the show which roughly add up to 10 or so characters each, both male and female. To my shock, Allison tells me that she had never seen this show in it's entirety even though she knew it backwards and forwards. As we are watching this 2 hour show, I suddenly see where Allison has gotten her base in comedy. Not that anyone would really recognize it if they saw this show and then saw Allison perform, but the timing, the choices that actors made, the simplicity and the grandness of the story and it's details. It was like watching the wheels in Allison's head turning on stage.
For those of you who do not know, Allison and I have made several attempts to write a show together, great starts we never seem to get back to... well we started again. Within 10 minutes of intermission Allison and I had written the basic shell of a show. We never know if anyone else is going to think it is funny, but it is very entertaining to us(... luckily in the past, the few people wo have read our scripts thought they were funny, too). I will keep you posted on any developments in that area... maybe we will even try out parts of it here... who knows!
After the show, we went to a restaurant to talk and have drinks (oh how I wish mine could have had the bacardi in it!) It is the closest we have found in the neighborhood to our old stomping grounds in NY, "The Pig 'N Whistle". Oh did we have good times there... stayed up way too late talking, losing track of time, and having our husbands call us to remind us that we do not have the money to take a cab back to Queens so what the hell were we doing out so late! Well, we managed to get comfortable in our Pig 'N Whistlesque booth and reminisce like rock stars for hours. Good times.. not so good times... good times together... good times apart... just catch up and remember why we have been such amazing friends for the past 10 yrs. It felt good down to the soul.
I have this theory when it comes to soul friends... we all got on this highway of life and started traveling down the road. Sometimes it was fast and fun and the music was rocking. Sometimes traffic was slow and the air conditioning was broke. Then somewhere we all hit downtown with several different routes we could take... exit and take the inner streets, take the loop and go around, or just continue on course and go straight through to the other side. But they all end up on the other side... and thanks to cell phones we can talk and keep in touch even though our routes may not be the same right now.

So to all my traveling soul friends... thank you for the great ride... I hope our routes haven't gotten too far apart that we can't meet up every now and again on the other side of downtown.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I voted

I voted today for the 1st time ever!

I am not sure why because 95% of the ballot for my precinct was uncontested Republicans.

I guess my precinct's electoral votes are pretty clear.

I still don't get the electoral vote thing... and yes I did stay awake in all my junior high, senior high, and college government courses, but I still can't understand why one vote doesn't count as one vote.

Monday, November 01, 2004


7:26... yes, ladies & gents... at 7:26 we handed out the last of the 180 bags of candy that we had put together for our little "neighborhood" trick or treaters. Emphasis on "neighborhood" because I honestly do not think 95% of them even live in the neighborhood.

Some of my favorite moments of the hallow's eve festivities:
1. Obese children: Wait!!! Do not judge this entry until you have read the entire post!! I know what it is like to be over weight... I came into this world at 11 lbs and remained "above average" for the rest of my life. But this was absolutely intolerable. We see this suv with the back doors open going from house to house. We don't pay much attention until it gets closer and we realize there are too overweight children in the back. The mom pulls up in front of our house and these 2 children (not in costume) hop out the back, walk up to us for candy, walk back to the car, hop back into the back of the car as the mother then proceeds to the next walk way of the next house.....SERIOUSLY!!!!!
2. Grandma trick or treating: Yes... not one, not two, but THREE grandma's with their own bags (not representing young children, but their own bags) coming up behind the large group of children to get their own goodie bag... we are talking 75-80 year old women!!!!
3. Pillow case or dollar store trick or treat bags....
4. Playing the sugar game... yes I admit I am a bad mother... thank goodness my sister is too so we could play this game together. There is a fine line with young children when it comes to sugar. If you see them going down the road of too much sugar that is when you slightly push them over the edge so that you have a sufficient crash to get them to sleep. I do not play this game very often and I acknowledge this game will one day backfire and I will be up until 3 AM with a wired child.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Kidney Stones

Dear Universe....

I acknowledge that I like to do things in my life with a little dramatic flair.
I acknowledge that I (either conciously or subconciously) create my life story before living it.
I DO NOT acknowledge that every event must be surrounded with a story I will share with others until the day that I die.

So remember how I said that I was up on Thursday night from 3:30 until 7:00 with labor pains? Well, I went to bed early on Friday night to then bolt out of bed in pain at 10:30. I was having a seizing feeling on my left side that would not relax. Nothing would release the pain.. walking... heat.... massage... nothing. At about 11:00, I call my sister who says, "Call the doctor". A response I hate to hear from both her and my mother. So Mike calls the doctor because by now I can't speak. She says, come in to the hospital so that they can put me on a monitor. I hate this even more, because 9 out of 10 times you get there and they just stare at you and send you home. Since Max is already asleep we need someone to come stay with him until one of my family can get there to take him back to Alvin (Mom and everyone was over there because Kameron's big birthday bash was the next day). I call Todd & Allison because they are closest in proximity, but Allison was out and Todd was with Noah alone. I then think... Uncle TJ. Perhaps on some strange luck, Travis did not go out this Friday night and he is just sitting up watching TV. No such luck... but Na Na Linda was awake and she came to the rescue.
Now we are on the way to the hospital....Mike's good and loving husband response is to keep a calm head and drive to the hospital obeying every rule. Becky's painful and demon response was to scream at him that he is allowed to break the rules this time, I will explian to the nice officer how it feels to have a knife twisted in your back for an hour & a half straight.
We arrive at the hospital and normally they send you to their version of the ER whci is called the treatment room, but this time they send me to Labor & Delivery. This is my 1st "Oh shit moment"! We get upstairs, walk through the big doors, and I walk a few feet to a housekeeping cart where I proceed to vomit violently. I hear a nurse walk up beside me and say, " You must be Ms. Randall!" She tells me that my room is a few doors down and did I need a wheelchair... yeah like the last 15 feet I am gonna need a wheelchair.... no thanks I think I will just continue to walk and vomit while pushing this housekeeping cart!
I get into the room and they quickly get me into the bed to put me on the monitors. Here comes the 2nd "oh shit" moment of the night. The nurse is searching my belly for a heartbeat and cannot find one. As time progresses it gets more and more frantic, "Ms. Randall when is the last time you felt the baby move... Ms. Randall has the baby moved in the last hour...." This is when a cold hard reality has hit me... I have no idea the last time the baby moved. Did the baby die and my body is just having a reaction to it? Finally... thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa... the shear relief masks the pain for a while.
They start the IV, have me sign tons of paper that looked nothing like my signature and monitor me for awile before the doctor says... "I think you might have kidney stones". The give me a shot of anti-nausa medicine and a shot of demoral which did not stop the pain, but sure knocked my ass out so that I could not feel it!
I slept so hard that I did not even feel them monitoring me all night. I woke up around 6:30 and the pain was gone. This utter joy was soon shattered by the 3rd and final "oh shit" moment of the night's events. Dr. Elizabth Swaim walks in the door... yes, ladies and gents... the witch doctor who kept me in a potossin induced labor for 18 hours with MAX. The skanky whore who refused to give me an epidural beacuse it would only slow the process. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't think it is kidney stones, but she will agree to the ultrasound anyway... what a whore!!!
Well the whore was wrong... the ultra sound showed that yes it was a kidney stone. Unfortunately, it is very painful and there is not a damn thing thay can do about it but wait until it passes...
Good news... baby is fine ... bad news.... no stone yet.. or at least i don't think so... my mom says I may get lucky and it will dissolve once in the bladder and I will not feel it come out... I will keep you posted!

Friday, October 22, 2004

What a night....

So I am not exactly sure if my husband has his head up his ass all the time or just when related to me...

Last night Mike had a softball game. It started at 6:30, so I said I would pick up Max and dinner and bring it to the field. Now the last softball game was very difficult because it was a long walk from the parking lot to the field and Max was ansy and didn't want to walk. So I carried him and my very pregnant body way too far and ended up in a lot of pain. Remembering this scenario last time, I asked Mike to bring the umbrella stroller.

We get to the park, and big surprise... no other team is there. I still need to get to the field because I have purchased dinner for my family as well as Emily's girls. I go to Mike's car to get the stroller and I get a locked car with no stroller. So now I am further along this pregnancy than before, still have an ansy 23 month old, and now I have 6 drinks, 4 boo bucket happy meals and a bag of adult food that I now have to carry from the parking lot to the field. I managed huffing and puffing to get there with only one casualty...MY DRINK!!!

I finally get there and the guys have decided to leave... big shocker!

... and what do I see parked next to the bleachers... an umbrella stroller carrying Mike's softball equipment and a cooler of drinks for him...

P.S. ... to add to Mike's guilt I woke him in the middle of the night because I was having contractions from 3:30 until 7:00 this morning....

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Very tired today... way tired actually. You know the kind of tired where you are not even sure what you did in the last 5 minutes.. that tired.

I am sure it had something to do with staying up switching channels between Fox & FX (9...72...9...72...9). I am not into sports that much, but I definitely get caught up in the excitement. I love being that excited. Seeing those people in the stands all banded togther for one cause... to cheer the guys on the field! Everyone breathes in unison, holds their breath in unison and screams in unison. I love that feeling too... that amazing burst of energy when a huge group of people explode all at the same time. You feel the tension right before and then "WHAMMO"! Oh what a great feeling!

Feeling the energy between people is just so amazing to me. I mean truly feeling it. I guess that is also one of the things I love and miss about theatre, both in production and performing. I can remember some of the greatest moments surounded by total strangers hanging on my every word. I remember one monologue when I could feel the audience's collective eyes on me, so quiet that I could hear a pin drop in the back row. I can also remember times when I would sit in the audience watching a performance that I had seen a hundred times in rehearsal suddenly explode with meaning when it was married with the energy of the audience. I used to just sit there and cry for my friends who were there... in the zone so to speak... and watch the audience totally entranced by their performances.. talk about seeing the beauty of your loved ones through other people's eyes.

I guess that is one of the things that has kept me so attached to certain people. It is realy hard to walk away from a friendship when you have seen them so intimately. Sometimes it is hard to see things face to face, but when you see it in other people's faces, you see them through this crazy 3 way mirror. And you can't explain it to the person,and it sounds like you are blowing smoke, but you truly saw a piece of their soul as they were bearing to these strangers. The strangers have no idea how intense it was, but you do... and you love them for it!

Oh goodness.. I have no idea where that came from... now I am even more tired than before. But a good tired...

Monday, October 18, 2004

Max's Big Boy Bed!

Yes.. it is official. My firstborn is no longer in a crib! I thought this was going to be a difficult transition, but as of day one, we are doing great!

We wanted to make it a surprise, but like his mother, Max does not like surprises. Mike tried disappearing into his bedroom to take apart the crib and assemble the bed, but Max just opened the door and asked, " whassis? wha doin?" Daddy advised that this was a surprise, but as soon as he saw Daddy's tools, any attempt to shoo him away was futile! Max loves tools! And don't try to fool him with the baby versions of tools... no way! He knows which are which and he knows how to use them (ie screw driver goes into the screw and then into the hole).

So it took the better part of the afternoon with Max's help in between "COW" (Open Range) and "Buzz" (Toy Story), but eventually it was put togther. I then tried to make the bed with his new sheets, comforter, etc... but Max just kept climbing on the bed and "pretending" to sleep. He was just so excited! He kept bringing his sleepy friends (Duck, Teddy, Bear, & Kittie) up on the bed to sleep with him. We did have one minor speed bump when we put the side rail up, but Max's tears soon subsided when we showed him how he could climb up and down on his own at the bottom of the bed.

When it was nigh nigh time, we laid him in his bed, and shut the door . He talked with his "friends" for a couple of minutes then fell asleep. This morning, he called for us, but did not get out of bed until we came in to say good morning!

Okay... okay... I know this was only the first night, but a mommy can dream for an easy transition, can't she?

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Maybe less than 9 1/2 weeks

It is a good thing that Allison & Emily hosted such a lovely baby shower for me this past weekend. It really got me in the baby mode... new onsies & socks, bottles, and diapers! It was so much fun to be around so much love and support assuring me that, yes... we can do this! We can add one more to our family without jumping out of any windows!

And according to my doctor, we might be having this baby even sooner than expected. Yes... for some reason my liver just does not appreciate the fact that I am growing a new life inside and decides that if I am gonna overuse my bodies resources, it is goning to protest and stop functioning properly. The same thing happened with Max but it was not discoverd until my 38th week. My levels are only slightly elevated now, so she is going to re-test in 2 weeks and see how things are progressing. I just have this crazy feeling that since I am the world's greatest procrastinator, my children were sent to help me with this lesson. Starting with their births, they are going to push me out of all of my comfort zones and force me to be on time, okay.. a little closer to on time than my usual ( no comments from the peanut gallery).

Monday, October 11, 2004

9 1/2 weeks

And no... I am not referring to the movie. There are absolutely no similarities between that movie and my life right now!

It is roughly 9 1/2 weeks until my scheduled c-section, December 15th. Last week I cornered my husband, Mike, and expressed to him the sheer panic of the thought that we were going to be having yet another babe in our house! Now, we are a little more prepared for this one than we were with Max, but we are still not ready. I told Mike that there was a very short list of things that absolutely had to be done before this child arrives:

1. Laminate floors: All new parents should have laminate floors. I am not a good enough house keeper to have carpet. That combined with a husband who wears nothing but mud tracking work boots and a child who spent the 1st year of his life with projectile spit up adds up to one incredibly dirty light beige carpet.
2. "Max's Room" converted to "Max & Ben's Room": This appears on the outside to be a very simple task, but because of our busy schedule recently it keeps getting pushed further and further away. (and yes... I know Ben won't know and he is going to be sleeping in the bassinet for a while...but I will know!) Grandma bought Max a big boy bed over a month ago and it lays in boxes waiting to be put together along one of Max's walls.
3. The back office room conversion: I want to be one of those women... you know.. organized with pretty baskets full of little projects to enlighten the life of your family and those around you. I have had the layout for this project sketched for over a year. I know exactly what and where I want to buy everything that will make my happy homemaker dreams come true. Paper to reality... very big leap!

#1. Accomplished
#2. Again, boxes on the floor
#3. 3/4 of the room painted

I know we can get this done in the next 9 1/2 weeks... I pray and plead we can get this done in the next 9 1/2 weeks.

Oh yeah...
4. Decorate for Christmas: I will not bring my new son home during my favorite holiday without a Christmas tree... so even if I have to get those stupid decorations up weeks before Thanksgiving... I WILL HAVE CHRISTMAS EXPLODED ALL OVER MY HOME!!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Inside the Actor's Studio

For those of you who have no idea, Inside the Actor's Studio is a show that comes on Bravo and interviews entertainment celebs in front of a live studio of graduate students from The New School in New York. For some celebs, it is masturbation on stage, for some it is a great way to see your favorite celebs, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Mike Meyers (this one was great!) unedited for an extended period of time, talking about acting and stories from behind the scenes. At the end, the host, James Lipscomb (sp?), asks the celebs these same questions which are from some french wholahala blah blah blah... I tune out every time he expalains were the questions come from...

This is my masturbatory moment:

What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?

What turns you on?

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

What profession would you not like to do?

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Please feel free to copy and post....I would love to see everyone's responses!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Crazy Horrible Dreams

Okay dream analysts... bring out your books and theories...

Last night I had 2 very distinct dreams that I don't think are related, but hey who knows. You never see things as well as others see them.

It starts out with me sitting in a room with several other people and we are being held hostage by some middle eastern group. Then it slowly morphs into a bunch of ladies that are being held captive at some Nazi prison camp, but the soldiers were being very attentive, not mean. And at some point I am on the phone with someone and he is trying to tell me how I can escape when I look up to a second floor to see one of the soldiers eaves dropping on the conversation, and I panic. I see the soldier hang up the phone and start to tell the other soldiers and I start crying and talking very quickly to the other girls, saying "I am so sorry, I am so sorry... I was just trying to figure out a way for us to escape and I blew it, I blew it!" Then the soldiers start looking at us very disappointed like, "why did you go and do that, now we have no choice!" And then they all start to abandon the building and leave. All the ladies go crazy because we all know that they are going to do something serious like blow up the building, or start mass shootings to kill us all and we have no were to go!

Then it quickly shifts to this other dream where I am going to this house. I go inside and it is some sort of daycare. I see Max, but we don't leave write away and just hang around playing. Then this woman walks up and Max runs into her arms and they start to leave. I start to go after him, but the daycare worker says, "Mam, just let him go home with his mother" I lose it! I start screaming that he is my son, not hers and then next thing I know Mike and my mother are there begging me to calm down saying, "Becky, you don't have a son, what are you talking about?" I am crying that cry that you can't breathe because you are crying so hard, to the point I wake myself up because I am not breathing and about to cry.

What the hell?

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

I just love it!!

I just love the blog....

Just saw today that Kyle is now blogging!

Thank you , thank you, thank you Emily for bringing us to this new addiction!

Instead of sneaking out of the office for a smoke, people are now sneaking on line to blog!

If you are sitting there reading these blogs thinking, "I would really like to do this"... DO IT!! and please let me know so that I can add you to my ever growing list of blogs I love to read!

Blogs I would like to see.... Dennis, Allison, the Franco's, the Smith's (especially,you, Linda)...

I just love it!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Garage Sale Weekend!!


It never ceases to amaze me the power of a garage sale. First, it forces you to clean up your house and get rid of crap that you know you will never use, and quite frankly never used in the 1st place! I really have to be in the mood for purging, and when I am, I can clean out a lot! I have to keep reminding myself that I am tired of living in clutter and if I can't think of a purpose for it right now, it's gone!! I also want to re-do our office area to be a more organized computer, craft, relaxing area and Mike said I couldn't do that until I got rid of a bunch of stuff... talk about the pot calling the kettle black! I basically have to beg, plead and cry to get Michael to get rid of some of the crap he has collected through the years.
I have a huge fear when it comes to Mike and his genetic tendencies toward pack-rat-ness. Shortly after Mike and I started dating, his grandmother passed away. I volunteered to help clean out her apartment....OH MY GOD!!! Boxes, floor to ceiling, with magazines in them. Boxes and boxes of yarn and fabric... crap crap crap!! And not taken care of crap.... smelly, moldy, I don't bother to take out the trash crap! And it doesn't end with his grandmother... his mother and sister are the same way. Now our garage is full of "priceless" crap that my husband cannot part with... comic books, old stuffed animals, magazines with one good article that he swears he will need one day. Somedays I just basically sit on Michael and force him to watch "Clean Sweep" on TLC. What those organizers say to the couples is so revealing sometimes!! I just love TV that is both therapy and entertaining!
Anyhoo... back to the garage sale... we stayed up very late Friday night setting up all of our stuff, "our" being: me, my mom, and sister, Karen. The next morning I wake up to Wes Hohenstein telling me that major storms, 2-3 inches of rain, were heading our way and would start around 9:00... crap crap crap... I am too tired and too worn out to not benefit from all of our hard work with a little cash! Mom and Karen think about canceling... I say we try until the rain starts. We agree a little is better than nothing.
Karen and I go to put the signs up. You would think we were topless in front of a fraternity offering free kegs of beer. People were screeching on their brakes, honking and pointing in the directions of the sign's arrows, smiling and giving up thumbs up!
Luckily we had our own little Walmart greeters back at the house to welcome the masses. Max and Kaitlyn, Karen's daughter, kept post on the driveway waving hello and goodbye to everyone. It was very difficlult for the little ones to understand why people were taking their toys away. Kameron, Karen's oldest son, had a little separation anxiety at one point and followed a kid to his car with his wagon of toys. We had to remind him that with all the money "HE" was making he could buy a really cool toy!
Then, the negotiating begins. The key to garage sales is always remembering that you do not want this stuff back into your home! I am not willing to give it away, but almost. If you show me that you are going to take a lot of my crap, I am more willing to give it to you for less. It was also fun to see the people moving from me, to my mom, then to my sister (who was the banker) to see who would give them the better deal! Little do they know that we are all psychically bonded and would know what the others said!
To make this long story just a little longer, we made over $600! And it never rained a drop! The sad news is, we probably only sold 1/3 of all the crap that was in our sale. So rather than pack everything up, we just moves the tables inside and agreed to try again next Saturday... greedy, aren't we?

Friday, October 01, 2004

October 1st

I just love the Fall! And to me October 1st is the beginning of Fall. October 1st is like getting on a roller coaster in our house. It starts with my husband creating a spooky haunted house of our home for Halloween, his absolute favorite holiday of the year. I love decorating for holidays because it is almost like a mini vacation. You get to transform your home into something different if only for a little while.

Shortly after Halloween, we have Max's birthday, followed by our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, the arrival of our new bundle of joy, and then Christmas! By the time next year comes, I will have this woozy post roller coaster feeling and look forward to sitting on my coach and vegging out for a while!

This is also the time of year I miss New York the most. It was around this time that things really started getting cooler and you got to take out all your comfy cold weather clothes. For some reason you always had the energy to meet up for drinks after work and wind down. We don't get to do that here.... the fact that we all have families now is definitely a major factor. But night life is a lot more tangible there than it is here.... you would go out with your work friends to a local restaurant or bar before getting on the subway, or you would meet up with your neighborhood friends before heading home. Once I am home, I am home... But if you can entice me prior to getting there, it is hard to get me to say goodnight.

Fall means friends to me... events with friends, friends coming into town for a holiday visit, shopping with friends, gossiping about events and shopping with friends...


Thursday, September 30, 2004

You should never start anything on a Friday

We have a long time family superstition in my family... Never start anything on a Friday. Other than the most obvious Christian reference to bad things happening on Friday, our family hasn't had the greatest luck with Friday. From my grandparents (who are farmers): something happened to the crops on a Friday, to now: our house burned down on a Friday. There are many other examples, but I will not get into the gory details now. It is mostly a precaution now, for example: if you have no choice but to move into your new house starting on a Friday, you must bring at least one thing to the new place on Thursday, so you didn't start on Friday, you started on Thursday.

... The purpose of this, my initial blah blah blog, is to get something up and running today... Thursday.