Saturday, December 18, 2004

Learn how to Fall

I do not know how to fall.
I was listening to the background music for the end of "Somethings Gotta Give" and I heard Paul Simon's lyrics, "before you can fly, you gotta learn how to fall." It hit me in the core of my soul so hard that I instantly started crying. Not the poor me, emotions running high kind of cry. The someone just thumped my crystal bowl and it is now resonating through my entire body kind of cry.
I have never learned how to fall. I have never learned the art of brushing myself off when I am down. I have had my moments when I managed to get up in front of the audience and distract them with a joke so that they don't laugh at my fall, but I have never gone back and learned from the fall. I just move on and promise never to do anything like that again because it hurt to fall and I don't want to do that again. I have spent endless amounts of energy padding the ground before I take the leap so that if and when I do fall it won't hurt as much. It amazes me how much energy I spend padding and prettying my surroundings so that I can't get hurt.
Why am I so scared to hurt? Why is falling so scary? Why do I spend more energy focused on the fall rather than the leap?
I hate the fact that the older I get the less I leap. I hate it! The few times I have leapt with abandon, I nailed the landing on the other side. Boy did it feel good! It felt like I was flying and I loved that feeling. The problem is that I have no idea how I did it or how to capture it moment to moment and learn from the experience. So, instead I just sit here on the other side and reminisce about how great it was and how much I wish it would blow my way again.
And then there are the times when I had no idea that I was leaping in the first place. The next thing you know I am in the air thinking, "How cool is this? I am flying.. do you see me? I AM FLYING!!"
I am tired of avoiding the fall.
I do not want to teach my children how to avoid falls.
I want my children to have scrapped elbows and bloody knees.
It is time to stop planting flowers on the ground and softening it with mulch.
It is time to get out the first aid kit.

1 comment:

ME said...

Your sons are your leap. There is no way to prepare for all the ways they are going to push and stretch you. When you chose to have childern you had to leap and just enjoy the ride. Don't worry about falling either. The amazing thing is that no matter what happens you never really get hurt, when you hit the ground, if you learn that you are able to get up again. besides, I have seen you fall before and you did learn from those times, you have just forgotten. Think hard, you will remember. I have also watched you fly and it truly is glorious. Love me.