Thursday, August 25, 2005

Little Miracles

About 10 years ago I bought the coolest little box. It was called "Little Miracles". Inside are little cards with thoughts, quotes, lyrics, etc. to open whenever you need a little miracle. I have kept it in my bedside table and it has never let me down when I have needed a little hope or inspiration. I thought I would start sharing my little miracles with you... just in case you needed one...

So here is what I pulled out today:

So maybe I have been focusing way too much on the ending of things... I have 2 very beautiful evergreens that are growing way too fast and I need to start focusing on them. I would like to open myself up to more evergreens... not the kind with diapers and late night breast feeding, but other opportunities to grow and fill my soul. I am very empty. The past few years have been a whirl wind of fast moving rivers filling my soul then quickly emptying out into the large ocean of life. Things go through my soul so quickly and with so much intensity that the only thing I focus on are the marks, scars and debris that is left in my banks after the rapids passed. I want to slow the river down so I can have the opportunity to camp out on my banks, enjoy the view, fill my soul with good times, inspiration, and lots of pictures of the evergreens.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Is it possible to have an "Aha" moment and a "what the f*&%" moment in a 6 hr time frame?

Why yes... yes it is....

My "Aha" moment:
So I have been at a conference for the past 2 days. It is a working conference for a state wide quality initiative collaborative...blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.. I will give you a moment to catch up from the boringness of that statement. The point of this conference was to pick from a list of quality issues that you are willing to focus on over the next 15 months so that the state can take the data from over 1500 other home care agencies to see if issues are an agency issue or a government issue.
THANKS FOR HANGING IN THERE... I promise that there is a self reflective moment coming...
So I am in a working portion of this conference were we decide which issue we are going to do and what we are going to do about it. There are 4 members on our team... 4 very strong highly opinionated women. Of course we all want to focus on something different. My debating hat comes out and I am prepared to fight to the death until all parties not only join my opinion, but verbalize how much better my opinion is from their opinion. The debate gets heated and I start feeling my blood pressure and pulse rise, along with my tone and volume. I am seriously fighting now. And like a light switch, everything cools down. I sit back and ask myself," what the hell are you doing? Do you really care this passionately about what you are talking about or are you just pissed because they won't say you are right?" This is not that important. This is not a deal breaker. This is not life or death, so what the hell are you doing signalling the fight or flight adrenaline button for? Perhaps we should save this energy for more important things?

6 Hours Later

My what the f*&% moment:
So 2 months and some change after my accident, I get a call from my insurance company. Apparently the car in front of the car that I hit is suing for damages, bodily injury, and "pain & suffering".... for not just one, not just two.... but for 5 PEOPLE... two of which were children. They did not bother to make a claim with my insurance company, they went straight to a lawyer. They would not agree to bring their car in for inspection until yesterday. I am so upset I could just cry. No one left the scene in any distress... no one had their car towed except for me and that was only because the radiator was leaking and I was not allowed to drive it. I ask her what happens now? She says they look at the accident as a whole then make an offer. Apparently the decision is made based on total damage. My car had a lot of damage, she says, however the car directly in front of me had minor damage...$800 or so. I remind her that my car did not sustain "alot" of is a very expensive import and what was damaged costs a lot to replace. "Well, that's true..."
"Listen... bottom line...I take full responsibility for the accident... I screwed up... I admit that.... but if the car in front of me only sustained minor bumper and grill damage how the hell could I have caused major bodily injury and pain and suffering to 5 people in a Honda civic? Can 5 people fit in a Honda civic???"
"Ma'am... please do not worry... we will fight this... this is very common... We are not afraid to take them to court, but I do not think that will be necessary."
I am just upset because it is not fair... that's right, ladies and gentleman... I am sitting on the floor with my legs crossed pouting because someone is taking advantage of the situation. And I am going to have the ghost of this experience haunting me forever.... it will raise my premiums and brand me as a risk because I was involved in a major car accident that injured 5 people. Five people who walk away with 40% of some ridiculous amount of money that will end up paying all the doctors, x-rays, chiropractic bills, physical therapy and psychotherapy that was arranged through the lawyers' doctors to prove just how bad their injuries were!!!!
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. THIS WAS NOT A MAJOR ACCIDENT.... THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULDN'T DRIVE AWAY WAS ME....I lost my father's car. I am now driving my sister's old truck with cracked windshield, window washers that don't work, a window that won't roll down, a gas gauge that doesn't work even after I fill it with $50 worth of gas every week because the mileage sucks. My father's car wasn't worth much according to the insurance, and there is no way Mike and I can afford to purchase a new car when we are already living paycheck to paycheck.
I get it.... I f&^%ing get it....STOP....I AM ON MY KNEES.... I am up to my eyebrows in lessons right now....let's just resolve this one so I can start peeling the skin off the mountain of potatoes outside my mess tent of lessons.

Monday, August 22, 2005


On my 15th birthday, my sister paid ofr me to get a haircut. It was with this really cool guy that she had been going to named Peter. That was fifteen years ago. Since then, my mother sister and I have been to see him 3, 4 even 5 times a year. It is an hour that we look forward to for weeks (because in that 15 years he has gotten very popular and sometimes it takes that long to get an appointment). He has made us beautiful through weddings, births, even deaths. Right before I left for New York, I made hima promise that if I ever made it famous and was going to a big awards ceremony, I was going to fly him in to to do my hair.
That little dream will never come true.
He died on Thursday. He was 39 years old. He was such a fabulous guy! He was married for 15 years and had a beautiful little 4 year old girl.

He was so damn cool.... death pisses me off sometimes!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Passing the Cross

I started writing this back in June, but could never get the words to come out until recently...

 Posted by Hello

The night of my father's wake, my very dear friend, Allison, walked in the room with tears flowing. I had spoken to her many times since his death, but I had not actually seen her yet. She walked up to me unable to clearly speak through the tears and shoved the above cross in my hand. She said that it was a clutching cross, to help me through the hard times over the next few days, weeks, months. It had been her and Todd's (her husband) to clutch onto during their times of grief, but now it was for me.
I loved that cross. I never let it go that night and carried it with me the entire next day. Sometimes I held it so tight that it left an impression in my hand and made my knuckles hurt from the pressure. I kept it in my jewelry box on my bathroom counter and would take it out occasionally just to hold it and pray. It just felt good to hold it...the way the curves just caress your hand, you'd swear someone was holding it. I loved that Allison had said that I could keep it, because I just knew that I would have it forever as a memory of her love and the strength that it gave me during a time of such amazing sorrow.
That was until recently.
I got a phone call that Brent, another very good friend's sister had passed away. She was young and it was unexpected and because of her past, it was full of amazing sorrow and regret and guilt. I instantly connected with the pain. I knew where he was. I ached in my bones for the feelings that I knew he was experiencing. I cried for his wife Christina, also a dear friend, because I knew how hard it is to see someone you love in so much sorrow and grief. Allison called and said that Christina was going to give the eulogy. She said she was going to come over to her house to practice getting the words out. I asked if she would mind if I came in support. Sometimes you just need a witness to sit there and listen. As I was getting ready to go, I glanced down into my jewelry box and saw the cross. It no longer belonged to me. It didn't fit my hand anymore. I gave Christina the cross that night. She held it as she shook with tears reading a letter that her husband had written to his deceased sister but did not have the strength to read himself. She read that letter several times that night, each time holding the cross a little tighter and and speaking a little stronger.
Brent and Christina.... I am so sorry for this unexpected journey in your life. I hope that all the love and strength and experience which lives in that cross, help your hearts as you walk down this very long and difficult road.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Happy Birthday, Dad!

You would've been 60 years old today.
Hope you got a good tee time.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

It just hurts....

It just really really really hurts. Mike and I bought a video camera shortly after Max was born. It is a dual video/digital camera that until this past Christmas (when we got a digital camera) we used for all of our pictures. For some reason the memory card was not able to be downloaded for several months. We had a years worth of pictures on it that we never downloaded.... a lot of Max's first 1st's (1st haircut, first foods) and the last pics of my father the April before he died in June. Shortly after we got the digital camera, I realized that I could switch the memory card and download all the pics...WHICH I SWEAR I DID. But for some reason I never deleted the pics.
Here is where I want to toss my cookies...
This weekend as we were packing up for Konner's birthday party, Mike asks me, "you said you downloaded these pics, right?" I said yes...I sorry sack of hoo hah, mother flunker, bastard, bull cradle, a-wipe said YES....
Michael deleted the pics...all 100 or so....
When I realized what he had done, I lost it... ugly, nasty, said things you don't mean, had to grieve and sulk in private for over an hour kind of lost it.
I know that if it was meant to be I would have them. I know that I have so many pictures that I do not know what to do with them. I know that I have the curls, the actual beautiful red curls that were cut that day and that is more important than a picture of it.
My dear sweet husband... I am sorry that I lost it with you. I could see in your eyes the horror that I felt. I know that you took most of those pictures and feel their loss as much as I do.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Happy Birthday, Woobie!

My adorable baby nephew is 1 year old today! I am so honored to have this adorable child in my life. This little angel was not "planned" for our family, but we thank God every day for his unexpected arrival. There were many times when my sister said that she didn't think they were going to have anymore children after Kameron & Kaitlyn, and yet I cannot imagine their family without Konner in it. He has the face of an old soul, hair like silk, innocent untouched blue eyes, and a smile that lights up a room. He is so full of love. He has been holding and hugging our necks since he was four or five months old. I have had so much fun watching you this first year, and I cannot wait for many more to come!
Happy Birthday, Konner!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

For all you Harry Potter fans out there....

Since I am currently reading the newest edition, I thought I might post this little diddy for those of you out there to explore in your own wizarding minds.... (I must admit.. my peacock feathers ruffled pretty high to see these results for myself!)

Pirate Monkey's Harry Potter Personality Quiz
Harry Potter Personality Quiz
by Pirate Monkeys Inc.