It just hurts....

It just really really really hurts. Mike and I bought a video camera shortly after Max was born. It is a dual video/digital camera that until this past Christmas (when we got a digital camera) we used for all of our pictures. For some reason the memory card was not able to be downloaded for several months. We had a years worth of pictures on it that we never downloaded.... a lot of Max's first 1st's (1st haircut, first foods) and the last pics of my father the April before he died in June. Shortly after we got the digital camera, I realized that I could switch the memory card and download all the pics...WHICH I SWEAR I DID. But for some reason I never deleted the pics.
Here is where I want to toss my cookies...
This weekend as we were packing up for Konner's birthday party, Mike asks me, "you said you downloaded these pics, right?" I said yes...I sorry sack of hoo hah, mother flunker, bastard, bull cradle, a-wipe said YES....
Michael deleted the pics...all 100 or so....
When I realized what he had done, I lost it... ugly, nasty, said things you don't mean, had to grieve and sulk in private for over an hour kind of lost it.
I know that if it was meant to be I would have them. I know that I have so many pictures that I do not know what to do with them. I know that I have the curls, the actual beautiful red curls that were cut that day and that is more important than a picture of it.
My dear sweet husband... I am sorry that I lost it with you. I could see in your eyes the horror that I felt. I know that you took most of those pictures and feel their loss as much as I do.