Saturday, October 28, 2006

What the hell am I doing?

Ever heard the expression "jump and the net will appear" or "if you follow your passion, your true passion, doors will open for you that may not open for others"...?

I am trying to show some conviction. I am trying to create a forward motion that leads me in the direction that I think I am supposed to be going. I belive that the drum beat banging in my ears is God trying to tell me something... something very important.

I cannot shut up the inner voice competing with the drums. I cannot stop the.. who the hell do you think you are? You are barely surviving with what you produce now, and you think you can take a cut? You don't have the energy for your current life and this "new" life you want to create is going to expect more than you could ever imagine! You know you aren't going to be able to handle the bureacracy.... you are getting older now.. you are never going to make anything out of your life if you keep jumping from career to career.... you think you hold the aces... you think you can handle the pressure, but you just jump ship and move on when the cooker gets too hot... you created the pressure and drama in the first place.

shut... up.... SHUT UP.....S-H-U-T U-P...S-H-U-T U-P ...S-H-U-T U-P!!!!!

I've lost my confidence, I've lost my drive, my "why the fuck not?!?"... I've lost my ability to key into the drum beat, isolate where it is coming from and give all abandon to follow it... knowing full well it is beyond me, above me...driving me to a higher purpose. When I graduated high school early, I didn't know why, someone showed me the door, and I walked through it. When I went to college, I picked Theatre Arts as my major.. why? Not because I was the most successful high school actor getting all the big parts... no.. because I loved it! When it was time to move to NY, I had nothing but a dream and luck on my side, so I packed it up and moved to a city where I new only 3 people... the biggest fastest most expensive city.... when it was time to move home, again... a drum beat telling me my time here is done and there are bigger reasons for you to go back home....
And there were... everytime.... amazing opportunity... amazing people... amazing husband... amazing life altering experience in the illness and death of my father. I didn't move because I knew my husband was in NY... I was told by that inner drum beat to move and he showed up. I didn't move home because my father was ill.... the drum beat brought me home and 8 months later he was diagnosed.
My point is that I have no idea where the drum beat is sending me, I just know damn well that I better follow it. This particular drum beat has been slow and steady for awhile. When I have tried to ignore it or go in a different direction than it is leading me, it gets louder and I catch myself falling down mid step and being paralyzed until I get up and make a movement in the direction I am being called.

Being called

I have always been called. My life has always been one calling after another. I have never questioned my callings, I just followed. So, why now? Where in the past 10 years.. past 5 years... did I lose my ability to listen to my inner voice? Am I that emotionally bankrupt?

I know the answers, so why don't I believe them?

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