Monday, October 29, 2007

Moonlight in Vermont

So, we are back. We got back last week, but to be honest, it was a tough trip and I am not sure that we have recovered yet. It was a very difficult trip in that it was sudden, it was far, and it had a lot of ups and downs. As you can see from the pics I have included here, we were in Vermont at the most beautiful time of year. We flew into Hartford, CT and drove 2 hours through Massachusetts and then up to Vermont. The views up and down the mountains were truly breath taking. Mike and I talked the entire way there. We didn't even turn the radio on. We joked about how this was our first date this year.

Mike's mom had passed away before we ever left home. I was worried that this was going to bother him, but it didn't. Unfortunately, we have been around a few situations were the people were in commas or unconscious (clearly gone to a better place even though the body was still here) and I think he knew that his mother was already gone. There were several times when in my dramatic flare, I was ready to race him to the airport and throw him on the next flight up there to be at her side, but I think he took the more reserved approach. I think he needed to mentally prepare himself for this very final chapter. I think he was anxious to see certain members of his family that he had not seen in a very long time, but in the end, it was wonderful to see all of them. Even though it was a sad event, there was a very good feeling surrounding it.

So I think I need to clarify some things for those of you who perhaps come here often and read the goings on in my life.... in particular, the post about "the darkness". No one commented here, but I got several comments in real life and I think I need to clarify the emotional stream of consciousness.

I have to be vague, because, well, I have to. But, let me say that... I AM NOT ON ANY LEDGES OR LOOKING FOR AN EXCESS OF PILLS TO END MY MISERY. To be honest, I am not in any misery. What I was trying to say, which apparently got lost in the translation, was I am very tired of running into the burning building trying to save people then getting burned in the end. This is a pattern that repeats itself in my life and I am so very very tired of it. I am tired of being the "go to person", then being yelled at for knowing too much information. Don't scream at me, "Who asked you?" when in fact it was you who asked. Don't ask me to fix it things then get mad if it is done my way and in my time... I am tired of having too many lists and my priorities are not on any of them.

Case in point: I was going to go to work last week after we got home, and I was dressed, dropped the kids at school and when I got in the car, I just lost it. I just cried and cried and cried. It was the first silence I had heard in a long time and my emotional tank was empty. I called my mother, dripping in guilt, and said, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't make it into the office. I could not handle calls from pissed off nurses, patients, or staff members. I went home with plans to do laundry and clean my house and do laundry and I couldn't find the energy to do any of it. I had allowed myself to bring my energy level down to below empty.

Oh, there is so much more to get into but I am rambling and editing and rambling and editing, so it is time to end it for now.

But I promise... for those of you out there that were worried... I am fine... well... I am going to be fine, I just need some time.

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