This one's for me....

icky , yucky stuff....random thoughts that seem to be so surface that I just can't seem to release them or shove them back down into the deep abyss....I was already very sensitive about my father lately... songs that trigger emotions that I am not ready or should not allow to surface when I am driving 75 mph down the beltway with no shoulders to pull off onto. Then the story about the little boy, Ben, who recently died of brain cancer and s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e s-h-a-k-e... the wheel of emotions again. Yet at the same time I have these extreme moments of laughter and release. I don't quite understand the pendulum. Oh so high and oh so low. I used to love to swing when I was younger... I would love to swing now, but my weight doesn't let me be comfortable on the playground. Anyway... I loved to swing... high.. really high... and I can remember the feeling when it was time to stop... your insides were still swinging. I could still feel the ebb and flow and the self created wind that made my hair whip around and get stuck in my mouth....
It hurts... those of you who know me know that my tears don't come, like a faucet that that slowly trickles and increases with pressure as you turn the knobs. It is this pressure that I am constantly checking the gauges and when I lose my focus, the pressure is too intense and I can't stop them.
Once again simple words from a wise woman in my life has brought me to a mirror showing me my gauges and deciding I either gotta release the pressure myself in a controlled setting or it is going to blow up in my face.
I am taking a business trip by myself (driving) and she wrote a simple email to me...

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"

I have really been looking forward to this trip. It wasn't until I got this email that I realized why. I am a cave dweller... I need the protection all around me in a safe quiet place to process. I have been known in the past to get stuck in the cave or worse, go so deep into the mountain that I can't find my way out alone. Luckily experience and lessons learned have shown me that this is not the fun path in life. However, I also get so scared of getting lost in the mountain again, that I go out on these hikes, as far away from the cave as possible. And then I get exhuasted and lose my way in the jungle only to find myself walking in circles crying. Once again, pendulum has brought me from darkness to blinding sun with the same results... lost, walking in circles, crying.
I have not accepted, forgiven or released a lot of the events surrounding my father's death. I have started removing the weeds and tilling the ground I chose to plant my seeds of life into.... I was not prepared for the emotions that come with taking out the garbage. I know the tears will help to nourish the seeds of change, but I need a little more time and space than the 15 minute trip to work along a road with no shoulders to stop and catch my breath. I am looking forward to a nice quiet drive, followed by an empty room, a hot shower and dark curtains to shut my daily responsibilities out and process... or not process... just rest....

"Enjoy the trip. Sometimes I like to travel alone, lots of time to think. :)"