Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The eyes say it all....

So this is kinda how I have felt these first 13 days of 2009.

I have to admit this is kinda how I have felt most of 2008 as well.

I am probably not the most pleasant person to be around, lately, and if I was pleasant to be around, it was a fabulous job of smoke and mirrors. It is one of those situations were I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I am so sick and tired of hearing myself speak that I am just not speaking, which of course, is not a good thing. It is the same hamster wheel over and over again, just different day, different clothes.

I am so sick of hearing about it that I can't even Oprah-ize it. And I can pretty much solve all issues with Oprah. Last week I tried DVR-ing her best week ever and I would sit there and just fast forward through most of it... blah blah blah... lose the weight... blah blah blah.... get healthy.. blah blah blah... stop going out to eat and save money .... heard it! Been there! Already doing it!

So... what is next then? Because I cannot sit here. I just can't. It is impossible for me to sit in one place especially when that place is at the bottom of a well and I know better. I know to look up and start my way to the light. My issue this time is I see the light, I am perfectly aware that I am in the dark, but I cannot seem to walk without the inner dialogue of, "You have soooo walked this road before you hypocrite, can't you see you are walking in circles?" And because I am so damn logical, I agree with that nasty little voice and I am frozen.

The one very positive thing I can say this time is that I can see what is wrong. I can see where the flaws in the plan are. I just don't have the clarity to be able to change the plan. I don't have the tools to overcome the obstacles. I am wasting a lot of energy arguing with the nasty little voice calling me names, rather than looking around the island for the tools to build the boat to set me free. I am not forgiving myself for my mistakes and wearing them like battle scars, I am trying to find the cheapest make-up I can afford and "painting" my happy face on....again, smoke and mirrors.

And by the way it is sooo hard to be in the dark when you have the cutest damn kids in the world as a constant source of entertainment. It is so hard to sit criss-cross-applesauce in your self created hole when two fiery red heads come bursting into your cave asking to go on the greatest adventure ever - walking the new dog. And the dog.... the DAMN dog!! You thought kids were great? Try having an animal who knows nothing but instinct attach to your hip and find no greater comfort than to sleep in your lap or chase the ball you have thrown over and over and over again. It is so simple. It is just so simple.

That is it.

It has to be simple.

...A ha......

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