Tuesday, May 17, 2005

WHAT THE HELL?!?!

i miss you...
i am not sure where the hell i have been...

I think I have posted a dozen blogs in my head driving to and from work or as I lay in my bed at night. I have this overwhleming need to write the details of my father's journey down yet I can't seem to go there. We are quickly approaching the one year mark and I feel like if I don't document it by then, it will all go away or get hazy in my mind... and then I think... there is no way. The thoughts and images are burned here forever. But what if they aren't? Quite frankly,I don't want the vivid images and dreams anymore...but dear God, please don't ever let them go away. I am swinging so far back and forth on this pendulum that I am getting dizzy... and it is getting tighter and tighter and faster and faster to the point that I am standing still because I don't want to go to extremes.
I am not going to go here all the time... but I am warning those of you who still come around I will be visiting often... and if you are tired of hearing about my father's death, go take a flying leap and take me off of your blogroll.

ON THE BRIGHTER BI-POLAR SIDE OF LIFE...

I am going to visit little Jimmy the firt part of June!
Kenneth comes home for a visit next week!
Max made a "nest" with 2 little eggs in it and carries it around with him where ever he goes. He is so sweet and gentle with them that I almost think they are going to hatch at some point and I will have 2 little blue birds flying around my house.
Ben's smile is getting bigger and brighter every day. He started rice cereal. I don't think he realizes that he is eating it, he just enjoys he uninterrupted time to stare at each other. The only reason he opens his mouth is because I open my mouth.. a weird mommy mirror thing that we all do...
I am done...I will be back soon... I promise... really, I do!

3 comments:

Bekah said...

I've missed you...and always enjoy reading, no matter what you are posting about.

When you have time (ha!) shoot me an e-mail about how little Jimmy and family are doing!

Becky said...

I have to be honest in that writing the post about my experience was a huge release, and I think you will feel the same thing. It's not the same as letting go completely, but I felt like it was time to just stop always being sad and remembering the good times.

J said...

Write what you want to remember and it will always be with you, but as with all things, we fade in and out. Hang in there.

I miss you too. You better take lots of pics when you go see little Jimmy!