What the hell am I doing?

Ever heard the expression "jump and the net will appear" or "if you follow your passion, your true passion, doors will open for you that may not open for others"...?

I am trying to show some conviction. I am trying to create a forward motion that leads me in the direction that I think I am supposed to be going. I belive that the drum beat banging in my ears is God trying to tell me something... something very important.

I cannot shut up the inner voice competing with the drums. I cannot stop the.. who the hell do you think you are? You are barely surviving with what you produce now, and you think you can take a cut? You don't have the energy for your current life and this "new" life you want to create is going to expect more than you could ever imagine! You know you aren't going to be able to handle the bureacracy.... you are getting older now.. you are never going to make anything out of your life if you keep jumping from career to career.... you think you hold the aces... you think you can handle the pressure, but you just jump ship and move on when the cooker gets too hot... you created the pressure and drama in the first place.

shut... up.... SHUT UP.....S-H-U-T U-P...S-H-U-T U-P ...S-H-U-T U-P!!!!!

I've lost my confidence, I've lost my drive, my "why the fuck not?!?"... I've lost my ability to key into the drum beat, isolate where it is coming from and give all abandon to follow it... knowing full well it is beyond me, above me...driving me to a higher purpose. When I graduated high school early, I didn't know why, someone showed me the door, and I walked through it. When I went to college, I picked Theatre Arts as my major.. why? Not because I was the most successful high school actor getting all the big parts... no.. because I loved it! When it was time to move to NY, I had nothing but a dream and luck on my side, so I packed it up and moved to a city where I new only 3 people... the biggest fastest most expensive city.... when it was time to move home, again... a drum beat telling me my time here is done and there are bigger reasons for you to go back home....
And there were... everytime.... amazing opportunity... amazing people... amazing husband... amazing life altering experience in the illness and death of my father. I didn't move because I knew my husband was in NY... I was told by that inner drum beat to move and he showed up. I didn't move home because my father was ill.... the drum beat brought me home and 8 months later he was diagnosed.
My point is that I have no idea where the drum beat is sending me, I just know damn well that I better follow it. This particular drum beat has been slow and steady for awhile. When I have tried to ignore it or go in a different direction than it is leading me, it gets louder and I catch myself falling down mid step and being paralyzed until I get up and make a movement in the direction I am being called.

Being called

I have always been called. My life has always been one calling after another. I have never questioned my callings, I just followed. So, why now? Where in the past 10 years.. past 5 years... did I lose my ability to listen to my inner voice? Am I that emotionally bankrupt?

I know the answers, so why don't I believe them?

A baseball cap

So God played a little trick on me this morning. I decided to go for a walk before getting ready for my day. I played mental games with myself for about an hour before kicking my own ass out the door for my walk. It was only little muggy and damp outside, so I trudge on. About 5 minutes into the walk, a very light drizzle starts to tickle my arms and the back of my neck. No problem - no one got hurt by a little rain. Moving and grooving along...then just about the time I get to the track to really hit the pavement - pouring rain. Hard, wet, thick drops - millions of them. I convince my self I am already here - I am already wet - just keep going. I am halfway through my walk, completely drenched, and tired of wiping the hairspray laced raindrops out of my eyes and I decide to cut this walk short. About 15 paces before the turn to either go home or continue the workout, it lightens up - we are back to the light tickle. I look up, the clouds are lightening, I decide to make the turn to continue. God then laughs really hard - so hard He is crying - all over me again. I laugh back and keep moving and grooving to "Unwritten" on my CD player.

"Feel the rain on your skin - only you can let it in!"

... next time I will wear a baseball cap to keep some of the river of old hairspray from my eyes.

Halloween at our house

Yet another memember of our family is old enough to enjoy the excitement of Halloween at our house. This morning, Ben (22 months) came to me and with perfect ominous delivery and presented me with

"..... p o o k y b i d e r z ........."

He was giving me a handful of "spooky spiders".