Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Casting nets

Rambling, rambling.... not really sure where to go with this. I have had these issues stirring for several weeks. I have tried talking them out, meditating them out, refocusing them out, now I'll try blogging it out.

I guess I feel like I was working on so much momentum and divine intervention and then it just stopped. The yellow brick road ended in the big field of flowers and now all I want to do is sleep. I'm even second guessing myself that I don't want to make it to the Emerald city, get my wish from the wizard, and make supposed passion/dream come true.

Second City... a city filled with second guessing myself.... what am I thinking? what am I doing? do I really want to do this? Can I do this? I can't stay here, but do I really want to go there? Who the hell are you to even question this, seeings how they ain't exactly beating your door down to meet you? How can you expect to get an interview if you don't apply? The old, ya gotta buy a ticket philosophy. Well.... I don't really want to waste my money buying tickets for all kinds of raffles and end up with a prize I don't really want, but I won, by golly!

Time... never been a real big friend of mine. Never on my side. I am competely aware of the fact that this is MY issue, not father Time's issue. It is either too fast or way too slow. I sent in my resume.. they should call me.. like now... like, do they realize I am waiting for this call...I don't care that the spring is riddled with end of school year functions like UIL competions and well.... the end of school.... they should call me now. Oh great, it's too late... it is almost the end of school, it is almost summer break, they are all going to be on vacation. They have already made their decision by now, and it is not you... you weren't even in the running... you weren't even close!

You gotta get out of this job... you gotta get out of this place... these walls are caving in on you, every one around you is an asshole, nobody knows what the hell they are doing, even their voices make you crazy.... wait a minute... could it be you? During a meditation, begging and pleading to get out of my current situation, a very clear voice in my head said....before you can leave the "jail" you are in, you have to figure out what/why you allowed yourself to be there in the first place. Ouch... awww man.... I am sabotaging myself. Even if I did get an interview right now, my aura is so black and clouded with desperation and anger, who the hell would want to hire me?

Didn't I say that I would handle this?
Yes, you did.
Then okay, I'll handle it.
But when?
I said, I'll handle it. It will happen when it is suppose to happen, how it is supposed to happen. You just need to learn the lesson today and stop worrying about the details about tomorrow.
But I have to plan!
Plan what?
My life!
What would change? Really, what would change? Would your husband change? Will your children change? Will how you parent your children change? Will the time you spend with your family and friends change?
So what will change?.... what time you get up for work, how you drive to work and what you do there. So like I said... I'll handle it.
But there is so much riding on this!
Why? Why have you placed so much success/failure of your happiness on this decision?
Because I think that I am supposed to be doing my greatest good and I am not doing that right now.
I cannot help you change that just by changing your job.

(.... very ... deep .... breath ....)

I know.
I know you know.
I don't like these talks.
Yes, you do.
Yes, I do.
So... like I said...I'll handle it... in MY time.
I know you will.
And now you know what you have to do.
Yes, I do.
Good.... now go to bed.

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