Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A glance through the looking glass....

I have been silent and vague again and I am sorry, bloggy world. It is another one of those times that life has brought me to a buffet of challenges and as usual my plates, bowels and glasses all runneth over. Most things seem to be swimming aimlessly in swirls in my brain still - not even enough clarity to write out here - but there is one thing that would like to share:

Recently life has dealt a deck of cards that is well... sucky, for lack of a better poker term. Recently I have been given the opportunity to be a silent witness, secondary support in a family situation that is best dealt with extremely sensitive hands. During the process, I find myself almost back in my little girl shoes - "Be seen not heard. In this position - which for any of you who know me, knows it is incredibly difficult for me to keep my opinions to myself - I am given a rare opportunity to look through the looking glass at literally generations of patterns, habits, character traits - some good, some not so good, some down right amazing. I see myself in my mom, I see myself in my grandmother.

Because my grandparents lived several hours away - I had no day to day relationship with them - just short visits mostly around holiday weekends. Now that my grandmother lives in town, I am blessed with the opportunity to see the day to day grandma - not the polished in her holiday best grandma. I see habits and traits that we share even though 60 years separate us. I see speech patterns and story telling techniques - ways to tell the good parts and skim over the bad or not so attractive moments. I am amazed to see the "inner circle" communications - you know, the family talk and quiet whispers amongst the inner sanctum of your immediate family - followed by the instant "turning on" of the sparkle and shine persona when outside people enter the situation. I also see the wondrous trait of not being able to hide our instant like (or dislike for that matter) when it comes to meeting new people. I have always been known for my hugs - great full loving hugs whether we have known each other for years or minutes - the other day I almost cried when I realized this was not an original personality trait - nope - it came from my grandmother who passed it on to my mother who in turn passed it on to me. We had been at a physicians office for my grandmother - someone she had never met - and after an hour of visiting, a simple nice to meet you and handshake would just not do - nope - my 90 yr old grandmother pushed her walker aside to embrace the physician with as much love as if she was a member of our family.
It is so hard - so hard to witness forced change. It is so hard to stand in front of the imaginary judge and jury with two impossible options and choose - knowing neither plan "A" nor plan "B" is perfect or right, but rather the lesser of two evils.
It has been a few weeks since decisions have been made and things seem to be settling, but change and transitions are always hard. I choose to take the number one lesson I have learned from my grandmother and keep trucking along - keep your head up and keep moving forward.... oh, and always have your lipstick and rouge on when you do it...

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