My Baby's 1st Day of School

He was up at 5:30.

He ran into our bed and snuggled for a few minutes then took off to the bathroom. Next thing I hear is the shower turning on..."Mommy I peed on myself, so I am just gonna take a shower!" Now what this means to my 5 yr old was he dribbled... and therefore it warrants an early morning 30 minute steam shower. Normally I balk at this and tell him to just go and get dressed, but today is special - today is his day - he has 2 hours until the bus arrives.... steam away!
He gets dressed, combs hair, breakfast, back pack, lunch box.... now we have 1 hour until the bus arrives. He comes and sits in my bathroom to watch me get ready.

Mommy..... I'm scared.

(stab)

I know - and it is okay to be scared today. Of course you are gonna be nervous about new things and taking the bus and new teachers and friends - but I promise you.... as soon as you get there.... you are going to start to have so much fun, you won't even remember that you were scared.

20 minutes until the bus comes....we head outside for 1st day of school pictures.


They start stiff....




...and move to casual...




....and end up just down right silly!




And then we wait....

And then Max kills me with this one:





I hand Ben a note to place in his pocket with all of his information - his name, his teacher, his class - and I instruct him to give it to an adult in case he gets nervous and forgets where to go. NO! I don't need it! Please, angel, for mommy! NO! I won't forget... I may forget the grade, but I won't forget my teacher... and I am just gonna ask someone if they are going to Mrs. K's class and then I will follow them... I am FINE!!

Wait ... is he going to kindergarten or college?

Okay, fine - but let mommy give you her kisses and goodbyes now, in case the bus comes - smoochy, smoochy - and then we hear the screech of the bus tires. I was kissing his cheek and felt him stiffen up.

Bus door opens - he races on so quick I barely get a picture. No chit chat with the bus driver - just straight to the very first seat, very first row. Mike and I say our hello's to the bus driver and introduce Ben, and then the doors close.....




and then he drives away....

....and then I cried and cried and cried......

I cried like the first time I dropped him off at daycare when he was an infant. I cried and said a prayer for all the adults that I am blindly trusting to watch over my angel and get him to where he needs to go.

And then I shook my head, wiped away my tears and begged Max not to tell Ben how much mommy cried, because I told Ben I wouldn't.

Mommy... you always cry....

I know, it is just because I love you and your brother so much!

Fast forward to the after school bus - and like a shot Ben was off the bus again and headed straight past us and into the house....




Ben.... BEN!?!?!

(daddy)... what was on his pants?

What do you mean?

There was a spot on his pants...

Oh no!!

I run inside... and Ben is pee-ing like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.

Ben - angel... are you okay?

Mommy... a little privacy?

Uhm, okay..... (I head to the kitchen and wait for him)

He walks out of the bathroom, sure enough - with the tell-tale "mark"

Angel - what happened? (motioning to his pants and hoping he is not forever traumatized)

What? (looks down) Oh... I really really had to go on the bus... but its okay! Can we go swimming?

(No trauma)

I don't think he went to the bathroom at all at school. I asked how his day was and he talked non-stop about his new friends and the teachers and all the new rules, and the pictures he drew...all in all, a total success!

... let's see how day 2 goes.....

'Twas the Night Before Kindergarten

Ugh.... I just totally blew the night before kindergarten!! Well, not totally, but pretty gosh darn close!!

So we have had a rockin' week - we have kicked "back to school" 's arse! We have vacationed a little, rested a little, organized a little, and for the first time ever - even in my own academic career -I can say we are relaxed and too cool for school.


So fast forward to tonight - started the night before school rituals: pack the lunch, brush teeth, blah blah blah.... then it is time for quiet time right before bed. I remember - hey wait - we have the " 'Twas the Night Before Kindergarten" book we got at pre-school graduation - we have to read that!! I find it and snuggle up with Ben who is uber excited:

'Twas the night before kindergarten,

and as they prepared,

kids were excited

and a little bit scared.

They tossed and they turned

about in their beds,

while visions of school supplies

danced in their heads.

Erasers and crayons

and pencils galore

were stuffed in their backbacks

and set by the door.

Outfits were hung

in the closets with care,

knowing that kindergarten

soon would be there.

In the morning it came -

school starts today!

Would the teacher be nice?

Would they still get to play?

Faces were washed,

and teeth were brushed white:

kids posed for pictures with eyes sparking bright.

I won't type the whole book - but you get the point. It goes on to talk about heading to school and being nervous and meeting the teacher and friends and .... then it gets to this part:

When what to her wondering eyes

should appear

but sad moms and dads

who were holding back tears!

Well - great!!! Let's just say it wasn't pretty! I tried .... I mean I tried really really REALLY HARD not to cry, but cry cry cry is what I did! The more I tried to stop, the worse it got .... the ugly cry! Ben reaches over and hugs me and I just smile and say how proud I am of him and what a big boy he has become and how excited I am for him and (teary eyed) he goes, "....but mommy... those aren't happy tears...." Oh pumpkin, YES!!! I promise you they are! Mommy is so excited for you! I promise you these are happy tears!!

So he leaps off his bed into a huge bear hug and we end up on the floor in a big snuggle/tickle/kissing ball (both with wet cheeks). I managed to pull it together and get him back into bed and tucked in with happy thoughts about the next day's adventure!

.... I am sooooo going to need to take something before the bus pulls up tomorrow!! Ben has already warned me that, NO - I cannot drive him to school, he will be taking the bus!... and ALL kissing and that stuff (motioning to my face, so I can ony imagine he means crying) has to happend BEFORE the bus comes!!

They grow up so fast!!

Radio Silence

Radio silence is a funny thing. It can be deliberate or it can be unintentional. Either way - once you find yourself there it is terribly hard to break it. I often come by here to scroll my own blog roll list and see that last post sitting there with the date "MAY 26TH" and think - ugh... I should write something, anything... but then I can't think of anything to say or I have too much to say and no time or inclination to type it, so I just click the big red X in the upper right hand corner and move on with my day.

I came across an article in Oprah's magazine last week - it was something about everything going wrong and seeming like the world was crashing (I have to admit, I was glancing more than reading) but it said something that struck me - when nothing seems to be going right, the best thing to do it nothing. Practice intentional rest. Basically when it feels like the universe has placed a huge brick wall in front of you - stop trying to climb it, rock wall it, sledge hammer it, explode it, decorate it..... stop...... walk away. Make the intention to stop fighting the wall and take that time to rest. No, you are not expected to have the answer.... no, you are not expected to solve your own obstacles to world peace.

And so that is what I am doing. I cannot solve my problems right now. I can't. I do not have the time, money, knowledge, or wisdom to solve my ever growing wall of obstacles that seem to be blocking me right now. I am serving no good by staring at the wall, screaming at the wall, creating spreadsheets about the wall, ignoring the wall, pouting that the wall is blocking my view.... there is no value in these actions whatsoever.

So what am I going to do about it?

I don't know - I am going to surrender to the "I don't know". I am going to take deep breaths and say out loud - "Guess what, everyone?! .... I - Rebecca - DO - NOT - KNOW." And I am going to try my very hardest to mean it.

... and then I am hoping ... slowly..... the "know" will come back......