It just sucks... there is no other nice way to put it...it just sucks. I have been writing a post in my mind for several days about how "in love" with my children I have become. They are growing so fast and discovering new things every day and it amazes me how blessed I am to be a witness to these new discoveries. Max's personality (and vocabulary) grows exponentially on a daily basis....Ben's smile everytime he "discovers" life melts my heart.
And then you get this news....
A friend, Heather, is 32 weeks pregnantwith her first child... a little girl. She is measuring a little large and so the docter orders a random ultra sound. Her daughter is only 3+lbs and has a tumor the size of her head growing from her tailbone. There is an artery directly feeding the tumor so the tumor is growing, not the baby. They will deliver the baby by c-section and take the baby directly to surgery for removal. The problem is that the main artery may cause a bleed out. There is a laundry list of "coulds", and "possibly's", and 50% this and 50% that.
....So we are praying for the positive 50%...
I believe in the power of prayer. When my father was first diagnosed, prayers wrapped us in blankets so warm you would think that we were sitting on the Equator when in reality we felt like we were sitting on the North Pole because we felt so numb and cold inside. So I am gonna return the karma...
Please say a prayer..even though you may not know her...send her white light...link me on your site so that we can build the white light and shower her and her daughter with it!
Thanks....
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Dreams
I am one of the believers that dreams are more than random moving pictures in the night, (or day for those of you lucky bastards who get naps!). I believe that sometimes it is merely the filing of recent incidents that have occurred. I believe that sometimes it is a way for our own levels of consciousness to speak to one another. I also believe that it is a from of communication from God, angels, spirits of loved ones, etc. I have 2 interesting dreams to share...
My mother called me today and said that she had a wonderful dream last night. She and my father were up in New York (where my father was born) visiting family. He looked wonderful! He was a little thick in the middle, but he had the healthy, happy look he had for most of his life. He was having the best time visiting with the friends and family that were gathered. My mom walked up to him and said how wonderful he looked and how happy he seemed when he turned to her and gave her a huge hug and said, "Thank you! You helped me find God! I found Him!" My father was not a very religious man, spiritual, yes, but church-going bible-beating sermons were not his thing. He preferred to golf with the priests rather than listen to the sermon on the mount. Towards the end of his life, shortly before being diagnosed with cancer, he started attending church with my mom, every Sunday that he was well enough to attend. I am not sure if he did it for himself or my mom, but it became very special to my mother. I am so glad that my father was able to come to her last night and let her know how things had worked out!
My other dream to share was not so uplifting....
The other night I had this horrible on-going nightmare that I could not wake up from...literally could not wake up. I kept telling myself in the dream that it was just a nightmare and I needed to just open my eyes and it would all go away..."Becky..please open you eyes... just open your eyes!!" The dream would go black and I would get a new vision, but then I quickly realized that I was not awake yet, just in another horrible dream. In one of the dreams I was very young, in Nazi Germany and the little village I was in was destroyed and on fire. This evil Nazi officer comes up to me and says, "You see that over there..." (pointing the ground that had obviously been recently dug up) "...that is where the bodies are buried. I am telling you this because when the dogs start digging there, you will know they smell the dead bodies and are trying to dig up there bones!" WHAT THE HELL?!?!? I was pleasding with myself to wake up...."Becky, remember what you did yesterday, remember what you were wearing so that you know this is just a dream and you can wake up!" I wasn't scared about the dream as much as I was scared that I didn't know how to wake up or what waking up meant...
... as I am writing this I realize that I am sure this is left over bull-s*&t from my father's death. I think I am starting to get to the "bored and pissy phase" of the grieving process... I am tired of greiving... I am tired of being sad... I am tired of going to family functions and having people ask, "How is your mother... really?" How the f#@k do you think she is?!?! If you really cared you would call or ask her yourself... and don't just call her to re-hash old memories... how's about calling her to make plans to start some new ones?
...so maybe the nightmares are just my inner child rebelling a little, ya think?!?
My mother called me today and said that she had a wonderful dream last night. She and my father were up in New York (where my father was born) visiting family. He looked wonderful! He was a little thick in the middle, but he had the healthy, happy look he had for most of his life. He was having the best time visiting with the friends and family that were gathered. My mom walked up to him and said how wonderful he looked and how happy he seemed when he turned to her and gave her a huge hug and said, "Thank you! You helped me find God! I found Him!" My father was not a very religious man, spiritual, yes, but church-going bible-beating sermons were not his thing. He preferred to golf with the priests rather than listen to the sermon on the mount. Towards the end of his life, shortly before being diagnosed with cancer, he started attending church with my mom, every Sunday that he was well enough to attend. I am not sure if he did it for himself or my mom, but it became very special to my mother. I am so glad that my father was able to come to her last night and let her know how things had worked out!
My other dream to share was not so uplifting....
The other night I had this horrible on-going nightmare that I could not wake up from...literally could not wake up. I kept telling myself in the dream that it was just a nightmare and I needed to just open my eyes and it would all go away..."Becky..please open you eyes... just open your eyes!!" The dream would go black and I would get a new vision, but then I quickly realized that I was not awake yet, just in another horrible dream. In one of the dreams I was very young, in Nazi Germany and the little village I was in was destroyed and on fire. This evil Nazi officer comes up to me and says, "You see that over there..." (pointing the ground that had obviously been recently dug up) "...that is where the bodies are buried. I am telling you this because when the dogs start digging there, you will know they smell the dead bodies and are trying to dig up there bones!" WHAT THE HELL?!?!? I was pleasding with myself to wake up...."Becky, remember what you did yesterday, remember what you were wearing so that you know this is just a dream and you can wake up!" I wasn't scared about the dream as much as I was scared that I didn't know how to wake up or what waking up meant...
... as I am writing this I realize that I am sure this is left over bull-s*&t from my father's death. I think I am starting to get to the "bored and pissy phase" of the grieving process... I am tired of greiving... I am tired of being sad... I am tired of going to family functions and having people ask, "How is your mother... really?" How the f#@k do you think she is?!?! If you really cared you would call or ask her yourself... and don't just call her to re-hash old memories... how's about calling her to make plans to start some new ones?
...so maybe the nightmares are just my inner child rebelling a little, ya think?!?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
30 years ago today...
Sunday, April 13, 1975
10:15 AM
After much pain and a much needed epidural I was literally pulled (by forceps) and pushed (by a nurse who pushed from the top of my mother's stomach) from my mother's belly 2 weeks late from my expected due date. I was apparently very comfortable in there and had no desire to come out... I feared change even then! I was 11 lbs... YES... I SAID 1 1 L B S ! ! and 22 inches. I looked remarkably like a 3 month old baby. If you asked my sister (who was 6 at the time), she would tell you that I looked like a stuffed bulldog, which ironically was the gift she chose for our grandparents to buy her. I was the largest baby born at the hospital... doctors, residents, even housekeeping stopped by my mother's room to look at the woman who gave birth to the "big baby". April 13, 1975 was proclaimed "Rebecca Mae" Day in the City of Houston (which I have proof of in the form of a proclamation signed by the Mayor of Houston which is framed and hangs in our study).
We celebrated with friends on Sunday night... Mike surprised me by inviting them over for cake (see above) which was brought by Paul & Jenny (tons of thanks) and consisted of chocolate, layered with chocolate then kept together by more chocolate...amazing...simply amazing....
Today I have to work, but I am cutting out early for a make-over sponsored by my mom and my sister... I think I just might let Peter (who did my hair for the 1st time on my 15th birthday, another gift from my sister) have carte blanche and do whatever.. okay, maybe not WHATEVER, but maybe something unexpected.
Mike has given me carte blanche to pick out my own gift. I think he is worn out from surprising me with my ring this Christmas... maybe a matching set of earrings... we'll see....
10:15 AM
After much pain and a much needed epidural I was literally pulled (by forceps) and pushed (by a nurse who pushed from the top of my mother's stomach) from my mother's belly 2 weeks late from my expected due date. I was apparently very comfortable in there and had no desire to come out... I feared change even then! I was 11 lbs... YES... I SAID 1 1 L B S ! ! and 22 inches. I looked remarkably like a 3 month old baby. If you asked my sister (who was 6 at the time), she would tell you that I looked like a stuffed bulldog, which ironically was the gift she chose for our grandparents to buy her. I was the largest baby born at the hospital... doctors, residents, even housekeeping stopped by my mother's room to look at the woman who gave birth to the "big baby". April 13, 1975 was proclaimed "Rebecca Mae" Day in the City of Houston (which I have proof of in the form of a proclamation signed by the Mayor of Houston which is framed and hangs in our study).
We celebrated with friends on Sunday night... Mike surprised me by inviting them over for cake (see above) which was brought by Paul & Jenny (tons of thanks) and consisted of chocolate, layered with chocolate then kept together by more chocolate...amazing...simply amazing....
Today I have to work, but I am cutting out early for a make-over sponsored by my mom and my sister... I think I just might let Peter (who did my hair for the 1st time on my 15th birthday, another gift from my sister) have carte blanche and do whatever.. okay, maybe not WHATEVER, but maybe something unexpected.
Mike has given me carte blanche to pick out my own gift. I think he is worn out from surprising me with my ring this Christmas... maybe a matching set of earrings... we'll see....
Monday, April 11, 2005
My tweenies are over!
So today is the last day of my 2nd round of tweenies… but instead of it being be-tween childhood and adolescence, it’s those years be-tween adolescence and adulthood. I think that your 20's are a time when God and society give you the title of adult but then send you out into the wild to find the tools and learn the lessons that will help you to live the rest of your life. Sometimes the lessons are fun and exciting, sometimes they hurt like hell, and sometimes you have to put your finger in the electric socket several times before you realize, “Damn… that hurt… I probably shouldn’t do THAT again!”
When I turned 20, I was a junior in college. I finally felt like I was apart of something rather than sitting on the outside looking in and wishing I was part of the “IN” crowd, whoever they were. I hit my 20’s with an empty cockiness that I filled with lots of smoke and mirrors. Then some wonderful people cleaned off the mirrors and made me take a really good look at myself in the mirror and face some old demons head on. Thanks to them I found an inner confidence. I also had amazing mentors who allowed my inner light to shine and then made sure to not only recognize my talents, but nurture and encourage them to grow. I made some life long friends … those friends that you know will always be there even when time and circumstance may seem like they are too far away ever to reach again.
After college, I had an inner voice screaming in my ear to make a major change… I had to move to New York… even though I had never gone and had no clue what life would be like up there. Every time I pushed the voice away or pretended like it was not there, it would just pound a little harder inside my head. When I tried to explain it to my family and friends, I said, “I have no idea why I am going, I just know that I have got to go!” What an amazing experience! It lifted me up, threw me on the ground, smashed my face in the grime, then made me open my eyes to the true spirit of the experience and fall in love. I learned how to live on hope, minimal cash, and the value of an extended family of friends. I learned to open myself to love and married a wonderful man from Brooklyn. I learned it is okay to change your dreams… come up with new ones… mourn the passing of old ones… then look forward to making the new ones come true. I lived the tragedy of witnessing thousands of lives being forever lost in the rumble of two collapsed buildings just blocks away, and in that tragedy came to the realization that being far away from my family was not where I wanted to be.
I found my family again… somewhere in my teens I lost touch of the importance of my family. I realized that my dad wasn’t just a stubborn asshole, but more a firm guiding hand to make sure that I learned from my decisions and without much harm. The six year difference between my sister and I seemed to get smaller and smaller when our lives became more and more alike. Instead of fighting over CD’s and clothes we bonded over husbands and pregnancies. I finally realized that I always end up following my mother’s advice, because she is always right! And while trying to find my own identity, I realized how much I want it to be exactly like hers. I learned the importance of strength and the grace of weakness as my mother, sister and I became my father’s steel magnolias caring for him during his illness and death.
I was blessed with the gift of my wonderful husband and two beautiful sons. With each one of their entrances into my life, my heart expanded 10 fold and grew with a love I have never known before. The lessons I have learned from them have brought both wisdom and entertainment… and I look forward to a lifetime of more lessons and experiences with all of them!
So goodbye my dear sweet 20’s… I shall remember you fondly! I am looking forward to 30. I do not want to be one of those people who just continue to celebrate the anniversary of their 29th birthday. I want to take those 29 years of life and keep building. I like what I have done so far, and I cannot wait to see what is coming ahead!
When I turned 20, I was a junior in college. I finally felt like I was apart of something rather than sitting on the outside looking in and wishing I was part of the “IN” crowd, whoever they were. I hit my 20’s with an empty cockiness that I filled with lots of smoke and mirrors. Then some wonderful people cleaned off the mirrors and made me take a really good look at myself in the mirror and face some old demons head on. Thanks to them I found an inner confidence. I also had amazing mentors who allowed my inner light to shine and then made sure to not only recognize my talents, but nurture and encourage them to grow. I made some life long friends … those friends that you know will always be there even when time and circumstance may seem like they are too far away ever to reach again.
After college, I had an inner voice screaming in my ear to make a major change… I had to move to New York… even though I had never gone and had no clue what life would be like up there. Every time I pushed the voice away or pretended like it was not there, it would just pound a little harder inside my head. When I tried to explain it to my family and friends, I said, “I have no idea why I am going, I just know that I have got to go!” What an amazing experience! It lifted me up, threw me on the ground, smashed my face in the grime, then made me open my eyes to the true spirit of the experience and fall in love. I learned how to live on hope, minimal cash, and the value of an extended family of friends. I learned to open myself to love and married a wonderful man from Brooklyn. I learned it is okay to change your dreams… come up with new ones… mourn the passing of old ones… then look forward to making the new ones come true. I lived the tragedy of witnessing thousands of lives being forever lost in the rumble of two collapsed buildings just blocks away, and in that tragedy came to the realization that being far away from my family was not where I wanted to be.
I found my family again… somewhere in my teens I lost touch of the importance of my family. I realized that my dad wasn’t just a stubborn asshole, but more a firm guiding hand to make sure that I learned from my decisions and without much harm. The six year difference between my sister and I seemed to get smaller and smaller when our lives became more and more alike. Instead of fighting over CD’s and clothes we bonded over husbands and pregnancies. I finally realized that I always end up following my mother’s advice, because she is always right! And while trying to find my own identity, I realized how much I want it to be exactly like hers. I learned the importance of strength and the grace of weakness as my mother, sister and I became my father’s steel magnolias caring for him during his illness and death.
I was blessed with the gift of my wonderful husband and two beautiful sons. With each one of their entrances into my life, my heart expanded 10 fold and grew with a love I have never known before. The lessons I have learned from them have brought both wisdom and entertainment… and I look forward to a lifetime of more lessons and experiences with all of them!
So goodbye my dear sweet 20’s… I shall remember you fondly! I am looking forward to 30. I do not want to be one of those people who just continue to celebrate the anniversary of their 29th birthday. I want to take those 29 years of life and keep building. I like what I have done so far, and I cannot wait to see what is coming ahead!
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Prayer & Positive Thinking
Talk about the need for prayer and positive thinking....
There will be 4 Kings, 5 Queens, 70 Presidents & Prime Ministers, 14 religious leaders, and 4 million mourners gathered in one small area around Vatican City in a few hours...
It is aweful to think of the potential one suicide bomber and one back pack can do.
I hate the fact that rather than being impressed by those numbers, I see the potential for evil... maybe it is because I lived in New York City on Sept. 11, 2001... maybe it is because the media has hypnotized us with how aweful things could be...
There will be 4 Kings, 5 Queens, 70 Presidents & Prime Ministers, 14 religious leaders, and 4 million mourners gathered in one small area around Vatican City in a few hours...
It is aweful to think of the potential one suicide bomber and one back pack can do.
I hate the fact that rather than being impressed by those numbers, I see the potential for evil... maybe it is because I lived in New York City on Sept. 11, 2001... maybe it is because the media has hypnotized us with how aweful things could be...
Monday, April 04, 2005
It's really okay...
I am not sure if I am more sensitive to recent topics that have been spread all over the media or if everyone feels the deep sadness and peace that has come over me... I am referring to the recent deaths of the Pope and Terry Schaivo. I do not wish to politicize or give my opinion on the right and wrongs of either of these situations, just share part of a wonderful experience that has been very difficult to share.
I believe that when it is your time to go, you get the choice. I believe that there is a conversation between you and God, and when it is time... it's just time. I used to be very scared of death, couldn't even watch movies or TV that mad fun of people dying because the concept of being here one minute and gone the next terrified me. That was until my father gave me a wonderful gift. He allowed my mother, my sister and I the honor to be in his presence when it was his time to go. Watching someone die is probably the hardest yet most fulfilling experience.
There comes a time when you find peace with the fact that the end is near. We found this peace through my father. Every step of this last journey, he led the way. He told us the end was near... his entire demeanor changed. You could see him slipping in between Heaven and here. I saw him talking to people in the room that were not visible to our eyes. Though the sadness was overwhelming, I found peace and strength in praying for his release. When the moment came, he opened his eyes and started releasing his last breaths. He gave us the time to get on his bed, hold him and tell him it was okay to let go and how much we loved him. Once he was gone, there was this incredible peace. Even in the utter sadness, at the core there is peace.
Thank you...
Thank you, Dad, for allowing me to witness the beautiful gift of your last moments here...
Thank you, Pope John Paul, for facing your death with courage and strength and conviction in your faith that this was not just the end of this journey, but the beginning of a new one...
Thank you, Terry, for allowing your struggle to be an example to others of the importance of talking about death, not fearing it, and realizing that we must be clear with all of our loved ones concerning the final moments of our lives.
I believe that when it is your time to go, you get the choice. I believe that there is a conversation between you and God, and when it is time... it's just time. I used to be very scared of death, couldn't even watch movies or TV that mad fun of people dying because the concept of being here one minute and gone the next terrified me. That was until my father gave me a wonderful gift. He allowed my mother, my sister and I the honor to be in his presence when it was his time to go. Watching someone die is probably the hardest yet most fulfilling experience.
There comes a time when you find peace with the fact that the end is near. We found this peace through my father. Every step of this last journey, he led the way. He told us the end was near... his entire demeanor changed. You could see him slipping in between Heaven and here. I saw him talking to people in the room that were not visible to our eyes. Though the sadness was overwhelming, I found peace and strength in praying for his release. When the moment came, he opened his eyes and started releasing his last breaths. He gave us the time to get on his bed, hold him and tell him it was okay to let go and how much we loved him. Once he was gone, there was this incredible peace. Even in the utter sadness, at the core there is peace.
Thank you...
Thank you, Dad, for allowing me to witness the beautiful gift of your last moments here...
Thank you, Pope John Paul, for facing your death with courage and strength and conviction in your faith that this was not just the end of this journey, but the beginning of a new one...
Thank you, Terry, for allowing your struggle to be an example to others of the importance of talking about death, not fearing it, and realizing that we must be clear with all of our loved ones concerning the final moments of our lives.
5 Small Children at a 5 Star Resturaunt....
It is way too exhausting to re-live our experience this weekend....
besides I think my sister described it perfectly here...
besides I think my sister described it perfectly here...
Friday, April 01, 2005
It didn't happen this week....
I didn't get to fold the mound of laundry on my bed...
...but I cleaned it!
I didn't get to work before 10 am all this week...
... but I did get to snuggle a little longer with my boys!
I didn't make dinner once ths week...
... but I did manage to keep a clean kitchen!
I didn't blog very much this week...
...but I did read other people's blog!
I didn't get to bed before 11:00 PM every night this week...
... but I did start a new love relationship with my new DVR!
I didn't get 1/2 of what I needed to get done at work this week...
... but I spent an hour on the phone with a patient assuring him that his health was important and gave him the confidence to speak up about his care!
I didn't have the chance to run to Virginia to help my "sister" through the last few weeks of her pregnancy...
.. but I did get to stop by and give her love and hugs to mom and dad to bring with them before they left for Virginia.
I didn't clean my house ...
... but I had the chance to go to a good friend's baby shower and just sit and talk with adults for a while.
I feel like I didn't do a lot this week...
... but boy do I feel like I did a lot this week!
...but I cleaned it!
I didn't get to work before 10 am all this week...
... but I did get to snuggle a little longer with my boys!
I didn't make dinner once ths week...
... but I did manage to keep a clean kitchen!
I didn't blog very much this week...
...but I did read other people's blog!
I didn't get to bed before 11:00 PM every night this week...
... but I did start a new love relationship with my new DVR!
I didn't get 1/2 of what I needed to get done at work this week...
... but I spent an hour on the phone with a patient assuring him that his health was important and gave him the confidence to speak up about his care!
I didn't have the chance to run to Virginia to help my "sister" through the last few weeks of her pregnancy...
.. but I did get to stop by and give her love and hugs to mom and dad to bring with them before they left for Virginia.
I didn't clean my house ...
... but I had the chance to go to a good friend's baby shower and just sit and talk with adults for a while.
I feel like I didn't do a lot this week...
... but boy do I feel like I did a lot this week!
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