Wednesday, June 18, 2008

10,000 Doors

I got a great email yesterday.

It won't matter that 10,000 doors might be slammed in your face because when door number 10,001 flies open, revealing pathways of jade and gardens of love, with flowers dancing, fountains sparkling, friends blushing, moonbeams beaming, and abundance abounding, you'll completely forget about all the other doors.
Happens every day,
The Universe

It made me cry. I have been very blue lately because I have been focusing on a lot of closed doors. Doors I wish, VERY MUCH, were open, or even there, but they are not. It is getting harder and harder to put my chin up and find silver linnings when everything has that dusky coat of grey.

So to catch up and not be vague -

I did not get a teaching gig again this year. I had the opportunity to apply for one very close to our house - like 3 miles. There were many great things about it, but it didn't happen and it didn't happen in such a way that made me stumble a bit in my thinking about going for this position in the future. The older I get, the less likely it will be for me to obtain this position, and the further away I get from my experience. The further away from my experience I am, the better the next resume looks. I don't look good on paper and if I can't get in the door, I can't convince them otherwise.
I will fully accept the fact that I am also not willing to compromise some details that would help tip the scales in my favor, so I can't rent the space on the cross entirely. I am not willing to travel to a smaller district up to an hour away when I have 2 small children. I am not ready to give more to the job than I am to my family life, just because of a lousy commute - my family needs me too much right now.

Things would be different if I HAD to find a job, but I don't. I WANT to find a job.

Okay... another topic clouding up my sunny days..... being a 30 something mother and wife of a young family in their poverty years.... this just sucks. I am sure I have blogged here about this before, but oh my... it just pisses me off!!! How is it possible that a young couple who makes good money lives with their heads barely above water?!?!? I nearly lost my mind once when I overheard a conversation at my daycare. The front desk was counseling a mother new to the daycare as she signed up for her government assisted daycare. "Do I have to sign up for both morning and afternoon?" - "You might as well, they pay for both anyway..." I wanted to pass out. I pay the equivilant of a home mortgage or 4 car payments to have my children here each month and they were flippantly talking about this, because, well hey..."THEY" will pay for it.

We are fine, just fine, we get along fine, everything is fine. We survive...just....fine.....

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