Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Yesterday I pulled out the Christmas CDs in my car. Nothing sounded like something I wanted to listen to.

Last week, I bought the big papers to browse the sales and "what's hot this Christmas" ads, but didn't get through them because I don't have any money and don't plan to buy anything anyway.

Today I walk into my office and the Christmas decorations are up. My immediate response was to get pissed off because who the hell said they could put up the decorations and why are they goofing off on company time, and did it ever occur to them that maybe some one else may want to decorate as well?

Even though my wardrobe consists of a majority of red, perhaps I need to find some grinchy green sweaters to match my mood.

Again, I am not really sure what the hell is going on with me lately. I can't decide if I am depressed or if I am actually getting to the meat of some very deep down emotions and ... well.... they are just not real pretty.

Last night I started to talk to my husband about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately (unrelated to him or our family), and God love him, before I even finished a sentence he was coming up with "solutions". I kept saying, "wait, let me finish my thoughts", and sure enough moments later, another resolution was ready for presentation. I finally raised my voice to him saying, "Catch a bubble!!! I don't want you to fix this!! I want you to listen to me!! I want to talk about it out loud!" He quickly smiled and said, "Oh, got it.... no lips, just ears...go ahead" I rambled on as we made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and at the very end he hesitantly says, "So, what did you finally come up with?"

MEN!!!! You just gotta love 'em!! They have great purpose in our lives, but bitching posts is not one of them.

I hate editing and withholding and that is what I am doing here. I am trying to purposely not go into details, but rather deal with what I am feeling and deal with how I got here. What steps did I take. What actions did I allow to happen that created this.

It is one of those situations when you are trying and trying and trying and you realize you are trying so hard that you stop and take a look at yourself and realize, what the hell are you doing? You are such an idiot! And you start second guessing yourself... have you been fooling yourself this whole time? when are you going to catch a hint?

And then you shake it off... no no no...it couldn't possibly be what you are imagining.... you are thinking too much again... it is what it is... state the facts and only the facts... and you look at the facts... and damn it, you are back on the roller coaster of how could you be so blind to the situation.

Okay fine... you don't like the situation... so change it. But how? Is there an easy way? No, there is never an easy way... well, there is, but it is usually not very successful.

Next thing you know I have thought myself into a vortex around the tub drain and I am arms and legs extended, holding on to the edge of the drain, fighting the water trying to get down the drain and yelling at myself.... GET OUT OF THE TUB!!!! Stop playing this game!!!

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