Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Last night our house was a buzz with preparations for tomorrow's big chow down with the family. Ben was king of the toaster - he enthusiastically toasted every piece of bread in the loaf (for the stuffing). Max helped me make corn bread and rice krispy treats. Mike was cleaning the kitchen (and behind us) the whole time all while we all rocked out to the radio. It was so much fun. The kids were just exploding with excitement. Then came the time to cut the "tester" piece out of the corn bread, ya know the first piece that makes sure it is good for everyone else to eat, and the boys were hoping up and down to get a bite, and I just lost it. I got very teary eyed and tried quickly to clean myself up and not ruin the moment.

You see... that first slice of corn bread is my dad's slice. He always made the cornbread, and when you lifted the foil off of the pan when it was time to make the dressing, there was always one slice missing, the "tester" piece. I hate that black cloud for being there. That black cloud that never goes away. The cloud that says no matter how fabulous the moment, no matter how wonderful it is to make new memories, it will always be 99%. It can never be 100% again. I have often wanted to talk to people who go threw this to see if this is true for everyone or if it is just me. I think this is a silent understood misery that those who belong to "the club" have and it is just not spoken about.

So many mixed emotions. Thankfully way more happy ones than sad ones. I was up late mopping the floors and cleaning the house. I got excited about my idea of putting all 12 people in our family around one table, that I asked Mike to help me set up the table so I could just see if my idea was going to work, and sure enough it did. I didn't completely set the table, but I sort of put things the way I think I want the center piece to be laid out, etc. As I was doing it, I was a little concerned that maybe I was going a little too fancy or over the top for our very young families. I went to bed late and exhausted. At about 3 in the morning, Max came downstairs with a bad dream and climbed into bed with us. I got up and went into the bathroom... a few moments later, my dreary eyed pumpkin followed me in the bathroom and sleepily stands in front of me:

"Uhm, mommy.... You know that big table you put up out there? I saw it .... it is soooo beautiful....."

He rubbed his eyes and went back to our bed.

I knew in that moment that making new memories ... making them special and big and over the top.... are worth it. They do notice.... even the little ones.

This morning as I walked out of the bedroom I saw he and his brother walking around the huge table discussing where everyone was going to sit.

Max: This will be the boys' side, and that will be the girls' side
Ben: Don't forget GRANDMA!!!!

Yep..... it's all worth it .....

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