Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I needed that talk

We needed that talk.

Last night in the dark of our bedroom my husband and I had a very serious talk. Probably not serious to anyone else but very serious to us... to me. I do not want to get into the details of the talk, what I want to talk about is the events and feelings that led up to the talk and the way I felt afterwards.

It was late. I had been up watching TV even though I was exhausted and should have turned the TV off and fallen asleep hours before. I am like my children in that, if the TV is on, we cannot sleep. It is a constant stimulus that keeps our eyes open no matter what. My mother had my boys this weekend and she even commented on the fact that they were up later than normal watching TV and kept saying they couldn't sleep. She finally turned off the TV and no more than walked into the bathroom and took off her contacts and they were already sleeping hard.

But back to me.... my point is that I was exhausted and exhaustion makes me weak and emotional and vulnerable to thoughts that may or may not be rational. I think they are always necessary, but I do admit that somethimes these moments might look differently after a good night's sleep. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, because sometimes a good night's sleep and different perspective gives me a great excuse to place issues back in my Pandora box and up on a shelf to fester and grow unattended.

Recently, I had been having issues and not been able to place my finger on it. I wasn't sure what my problem was and I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Because whenever I stepped back and looked at the entire forest, it was full of wonderful beautiful trees that made me very happy and fulfilled, yet these issues kept creeping in corners and leaving a light film of dust on the furniture. And it wasn't coming from one source, so I knew my problem wasn't with one person in particular, unless of course you consider that one perosn was me.

So here I am, in the dark, listening to the creaks of our house and the rain falling on our windows. All of a sudden, I am overwhlemed with thoughts and feelings that come rushing to the surface. Thoughts that act like a tumbleweed, meaning the one thought leads you to the next thought and the next thought and so on. The next thing I know, I have hit a nail on the head and at the same time that I am anxious and upset, I find myself taking these huge comforting breaths, almost like soul cleansing breaths.

I felt horrible and wonderful all at that the same time. I was laying there debating on what to do next. This is important. This is a big moment. I hate to wake Mike up, because that is not fair to him, maybe I need to get up and write about it, maybe I should wait and see what else comes up and, and, and, ........

In all this "thinking" I am snapped back into my body when I think I hear footsteps in the other room, maybe one of the boys walking around in the night. I touch Mike and he wakes up and I tell him I think one of the boys is up, and he walks around looking for them. He comes back to bed, false alarm. He rolls over to head back to sleep. This is when the tears start. He is up. Just start talking. He is up. Don't let this moment pass. But it is not fair to keep him up with MY issues. JUST START TALKING.

And I did. And then he did. And then there was a peace. Deep soul breaths and heavy sleep.

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