Friday, September 30, 2005

Happy Blog Day!

So I have been blah blah blahging for one year today. And to add the sprinkles on top of the cake, this is my 150th blog post!!
I have never kept any journal for longer than a couple of months so this has been quite an accomplishment for me. I always loved the idea of a journal... I would love to start, usually at the beginning of the year or the begining of the school year. I would love the journey of finding the journal. Beautiful little books with pretty pictures or with a soft leather cover. I loved the blank pages, so many possibilities, so much space to let loose, be free, cry, scream, create. This great friend with no judgements that you can tell your most precious secret thoughts. Thoughts that felt amazing to get on to paper. I can remember some journal entries, writing so fast, like I was going 150 miles an hour in a red corvette of emotion, unable to find the breaks, my heart pumping, my temp rising... and then slowly... once the emotional release was there... coming to a close. I would sometimes write for pages and pages saying the same thing until I could finally feel relief, take deep breaths and exhale completely.
I love going back and visiting her... reading her words for the first time and rediscovering that moment. Wishing I could walk through time, back to her room as she is frantically writing in that beatiful journal and tell her, "Oh honey, you a have no idea what is coming up on this journey. You will barely remember this moment." And then there are those entries... the ones where it is exactly the same words from entry to entry, year to year. That same wish, need, prayer. That one thing that time cannot seem change. That one path that you haven't figured out how to walk down yet. It seems so easy, the determination right there in black and white on the page, and yet you realize days, months, years down the journey that the path is not a long straight road, but rather a circle that you haven't figured out how to break away from. Circles are powerful entities. That is why things that you want and need to remain solid are symbolized in circles. But when you try to break the circle, sometimes you find that you only made the circle bigger rather than actually breaking the spell.
I love this journal. I have cherised every stroke and every tear and every smile and every pictire. Sometimes my hands feel like they are swirling in water as my thoughts are pounded out on this keyboard. I feel it calling me when I need to capture and share a thought or moment. I have grown emotionally and spiritually, thanks to this journal. I have found people hundreds of miles and continents away to share this blah blah blahging journey with and I have enjoyed witnessing their own journeys. I have reconnected with friends that time and distance have taken away from me.
A truly happy day on this anniversary....a truly happy day.

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