Friday, February 06, 2009

The Friday Rant

Dear customer service phone rep,
When I call you to make reservations and I give you all the information you need in the first sentence of our greeting, do not completely ignore the words coming out of my mouth and ask stupid questions - listen. And if by chance you did not hear, understand, or receive all the information, ask, "I'm sorry - you wanted (what) for (when) (where)?
Thank you,
frustrated traveler

Dear Octo-mom - or old lady in the shoe,
Shut up - go away. Don't justify, don't tell me your side of the story. Go away! Seek loving caring homes for your 14 children and check yourself into the psych ward that apparently made $165,000 worth of worker's comp payments for you. You know - the worker's comp case where you allegedly had to stay on bed rest because of your injury - the one that made pregnancy and motherhood so painful that you lay in bed in pain - and then went again for another round of IVF within 3 months for child # 2 - because you wanted to be a mom so much - a mom laying in bed collecting worker's comp. Don't you DARE tell me in your I'm such a wonderful mother interview how what you provide for your 14 children is your presence - "something that MOST parents don't do" - Because WE provide not only our presence, but money to clothe, feed, house, and medically care for our children - all while paying for taxes that will cover YOUR multi-million dollar unemployed single motherhood living with parents hospital bill.
Best Regards,
a loving mother of the amount of children I can afford to support and care for without relying on complete strangers

Dear self,
Please don't believe the fancy writing on the medicine bottle - when it says it works with your natural system or non-stimulating - in pretty italicized writing on the front, but no mention in the actual instructions on the back - they are probably lying and will cause you to spend the next morning running to the bathroom every 10 minutes.
Love you,

Dear husband,
In one week we will celebrate the 10 year anniversary of our first date. As someone who did not have a lot of first dates - I find it pretty incredible that I get to celebrate the 10th anniversary of one. I have butterflies in my stomach with anticipation of our plans for next Friday night. I know it is not that big of a deal to you, which is why I have planned it, but it is a very big deal for me. I do not ask for grand gestures, I ask that you play along. Otherwise - I will just get pissed off and we all know how very unpleasant it is to be around me when I am pissed off.
I wubba love you,

Dear Universe,
I am trying to breathe. I am trying to step back and count to ten. I am trying to change my mind and realize that people are not idiots, just blind to my incredible smartness - okay - just joking - they are idiots - okay - no - maybe lovely people with idiot tendencies -
I am trying to evolve - rise above - all that crap - thank you for your patience.
With hope,

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