Thank you, Life....

So we had the talk last night.

yes....

THE talk.

With my boys... 7 and 5 yrs old.

I didn't WANT to have THE talk. I wasn't prepared to have THE talk. And thanks to my children's incredible ability to absorb, interpret, and regurgitate information, I wasn't able to sugar coat it with Mommy's and Daddy's love each other very much, they hug, and Tinkerbell appears shaking magic fairy dust, and God puts a baby in the mommy's tummy.... nope, not my kids.

So we are watching the new series "Life" on Discovery last night.
It is beautiful. The images are amazing and the facts are educational... maybe a little too amazing and educational. At one point they are talking about snakes. They are talking about how in Canada they hibernate below the freeze line and then they come up in Spring and lay around in a huge ball in the sun to stay warm because they are cold blooded creatures, blah blah blah... and all this happens before the mating season.

Well, I was looking down when all of a sudden I hear Max, "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"
I look up and they are back to the snake pile. So I start talking about the cold blooded thing and how they have to snuggle to stay warm - and both of the boys start shaking their heads in this, nah nah nah nah, woman - that ain't what we are talking about way. I see Mike sitting behind them waving his arms in the air, like, uhm, no - you didn't see what we just saw. So what does this mother do in today's modern technology world? She reverses the DVR... Mike slaps his head. And then I see the 5 second shot - the mating shot.
Both of the boys simultaneously scream - "THAT!!! THAT RIGHT THERE!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?"
Well, (sigh....breath) that is a snake penis.
Ben adds - "He is stabbing him in the stomach!!!"
Uhm - no, he is not stabbing him in the stomach - they are making baby snakes.
You have to STAB each other to make babies?!?!
No - there is a hole there.
A HOLE?!?!?!
(Dear God, please help me)
Yes, a hole - remember how I told you that girls don't have a penis?
Yeah... but there is a hole?!?!
Yes (God help me, please stop asking questions)
And the baby goes in there?
Well, yes - it is different in all kinds of animals - sometimes it is an egg that the mommy sits on until the babies are born or sometimes the babies grow in the mommy's tummy and comes out later.
How does it come out of the hole?!?!
The hole gets bigger.
(Max)Oh, I know, I know, - it is like snakes when they eat, they can open their mouths up really big to fit stuff
(Ben) or crocodiles (shows me with his hands) only it is backwards - something is coming out, not going in.
Exactly.
Does it hurt?
Sometimes.
But we weren't born that way?
No - Mommy was sick - and the doctor had to go in through mommy's tummy and get you out, but most babies are born the other way.
Did it hurt?
No the doctor gave me medicine, so I didn't feel it.
Okay ....
Cool....

Back to the show.

I look over at Mike with huge saucer eyes.... I sooooo didn't think I would be having THAT talk this soon.

A call from school...

I just got a call ... from Max's school....
Is he sick? NO!
Is he hurt? NO!
Is he dead? HE IS GONNA BE!

...ring ring...
This is Rebecca!
Mommy...
Yes, Max... is everything okay?
Uhm, yeah... Mommy... at 12:00 , uhm ... well.. at 12:00 the fair, Mommy, it's over.
Yes, honey - I know - the book fair is over at noon today.
Yeah
Okay....
But mommy - I really want the book and the pointer and the....
MAX... we have talked about this - SEVERAL TIMES. You are not going to be able to get something this time. You get books all the time... your room is full of books...
BUT!!.. BUT!!!
MAX! NO!... Angel - I made this very clear - I am sorry you are not able to get something this time.
(.. whiny whimper....)
MAX.. listen to me very carefully... I DO NOT want to hear that you gave Ms. Rodriguez any problems today because you were upset about this.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? If I hear that you cried, whined or acted in a bad manor in any way over this you will lose all TV and Wii privileges for the entire weekend!!! Do you hear me?
Yes, Ma'm.
I love you... now go back to class.
Yes, Ma'm, I love you, too....

click

I cannot believe that child had his teacher call me for this........I cannot believe he annoyed his teacher so much that her only recourse was to get him on the phone to me.....nice.....

Ode to Joy!!

The following Muppet moment of happiness is brought to you in honor of ME - PASSING my EC-6 Generalist Test!! Whoot whoot!! For those of you not in the education/teacher world - this is the test that I have to pass in order to be eligible to teach children in elementary school.

I have to say it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to study, stress over, and complete. Studying for over a month - a couple of hours a day, most weekends - then sitting in a test that took me 2 hours to complete and 1 hr to review. Hard, stressful, and now.... DONE!!!! These are the first steps in a very difficult road of transition for me... a very deep, powerful, emotional road of transition.

I am no where near the end of this road. In fact, I am merely on the corkscrew part of the yellow brick road out of munchkin land - ya know the part where you think you are walking in circles and just when you are about to give up because you are dizzy, the road gets a little clearer and straighter... but oh how it stretches so far out in front of you.... yeah - that is where I am right now. I am clearing my head from the stress of these first steps and trying to re-group so that I can make each step forward a positive and productive one.

But tonight... we celebrate ... we celebrate these first successful steps forward:

This ain't my 1st rodeo, kid......

I am getting ready this morning and Benjamin walks in to ask me a question that he already knows my answer will be no. I know this is about to happen because of the look on his face. The guilt-ridden 5 year old - "I have been thinking about this for forever (maybe 30 seconds) and I think I have worded it right so mommy will say yes this time" face.

Mommy - can I play the Wii?
No.
But mommy!!!
Benjamin - have you eaten your breakfast?
Yes!
Are you dressed?
YES!
Do you have your shoes on?
YES!!!
Is your homework in it's folder and ready to go the second mommy says it is time to go?
YES!! YES!!!
Okay - fine - but only Wii sports... do you hear me? No Lego Star Wars or Lego Batman - just Wii sports....
But but....
Then no Wii....
FINE!!!

He stomps out of the room.

A few minutes later, a smiling, guilty, "I got her this time" faced child comes in:

Mommy - There is no Wii Sports... I can't find it anywhere?!?!?!
Well, then there is no Wii...
But, but, I could play...
Ben - I said Wii sports or no Wii
BUT I CAN'T FIND IT!!!
Then mommy will come in there and help you.... (knowing full well it is in there)
Uhm.... wait... let me look one more time... (dashes out with a big grin)

Hollers back from the other room....

NEVER MIND, MOMMY... I FOUND IT!!!!

I snickered to my reflection in the mirror....Uh, huh, sure you did.....this ain't my first rodeo, kid.....

Uno momento con mi familia

Everyone was dragging this morning. Just one of those days, ya know? Even the dog wasn't interested in playing our reindeer games - he just laid lazily on his bed in our room lifting his eyes every now and again to acknowledge that he was still alive. Max was laying in our bed, eyes closed, hand hanging out of the covers - lovingly motioning for the dog to come over for the good morning petting ritual.

Woody was having none of it.

Max became a little more insistent - "WOODY!! (kiss, kiss sounds) Come here, boy!"

Again - nothing.

Max flung himself to a seated position and with swollen sleepy eyes started yelling at Woody:

"Yo hablamente contigo! Venga aqui! Andele, andele!! Yo soy serioso!!!"

Well.... the dog did nothing, but I started howling with laughter and Mike said, "Well, at least he is using it!"

Catch up letters....

Dear Math,

I forgot how much I dig you. I dig you because you only have ONE right answer. Generally, you have only ONE super secret formula to get to that right answer. Once you have figured out that super secret formula, you get the right answer over and over and over again. And then you feel like a rock star. If only life was that easy.

Thanks for the reminder,
Former Math Student



Dear 3 guys at the gym,

So yes, I gave you pissy frustrated looks at the gym the other night because just when I was ready to switch machines you took the only three available machines left making me do an extra 10 minutes on a machine that had already made my legs feel remarkably like spaghetti - after their 15 minute soak in boiling water. But I am sorry for the nasty look - you made me work out longer and harder than I have thus far and that is a good thing.

Yours truly,
Sweaty girl on the elliptical



Dear Biggest Loser,

You don't suck so bad this season. There is just enough drama to make it interesting, but not too much crazy or heartache to make it unrelatable. I enjoyed our date last Tuesday night as I spent the entire show working out watching you guys work out. Kind of nice. Maybe we can hook up again next week?

Best Regards,
Loyal fan and audition reject

P.S. Please, please, please stop with the infomercials during the show - PLEASE!!! - we are just not that stupid.

Dear Adam Lambert,


I think I love you. I am not positive - but you might be my perfect combination of gay fabulous, 80's hair-band make-up, musical theatre bravado and a super sweet glaze of Freddy Mercury magnificence. They jury is still out, but I am definitely smitten.

Luv,
New fan



Dear Blog,

Sorry I have been absent - I am trying so very hard to get back into the groove post holiday and I think I just might be there - maybe... just maybe......

With all my love,
your author

Happy New Year

Happy New Year....

yup.

New Year.... New Decade... new new new.

Clean out the old, clean up the messes, move on to the shiny new.

Let it go let it go let it go.

That which does not help, satisfy, complete, or nourish me....goodbye.

I am so done. For the first time in a really long time.... for realz this time.

Enough.

My BABY is a whole hand.....

Benjamin...

My sweet, baby Benjamin....

My, "Buh-buh-buh-Benny and the Jets!!"....

Today you turn five. Five years old. You have wanted to be five for the past three years....you have told people you were five since people started asking and you could answer. Well, pumpkin... here it is... the day you have been waiting for...

Big boy Ben turn FIVE WHOLE YEARS OLD!!!!

You are too cool for words....

Two new Max Stories...

Story # 1 - This morning Max was clearly suffering from a little cabin fever. He has seen enough TV, could care less about his DS, has no interest in his legos. I am working on the Christmas decorations when he flops himself on the couch in the formal living room and says (totally straight face),
Mommy... I need to get wet...
What?
I need to get wet.. I am drying up.
Uhm, okay - well... you can't get into the pool, the water is too cold.
Well.. I need a bath or a shower or something... I am drying up.
Okay....

So I stopped what I was doing and drew him a bath where he sat and "moistened" for a while. I guess my child is turning into a fish. And no that is not a pic of Max - he has not turned into a small Asian dark haired child!




Story # 2 - Last night we were watching Land of the Lost - the new one. And the Will Farrell character kept referring to a "sideways" warp in time where past present and future are there all at the same time. So we are sitting there watching when all of a sudden Max goes:

Wait wait wait - pause it, pause it, pause it, I got it... there are three things, get it??? three things - past, present, and future. So the dinosaurs are our past, the humans are our present and the aliens are the future! And that is why there is always three moons in the back!!! New moon- past, crescent moon - present, full moon - future!! See past present and future moons!!!! Get it?!?! Get it?!?!

Well, Max, I am glad you are paying that much attention to this movie, because I assure you, mommy and daddy are not!!

Happy 9th Anniversary!

Big wet juicy smooches to my loving Tatala who agreed to get gussied up and wear a tuxedo and pledge his love to me forever and ever 9 years ago today!!

I love you,
Princess P.

2012 vs Precious

So this weekend I had the rare - and I mean rare - opportunity to see two movies in the same weekend - AT THE MOVIE THEATER. This is shocking in my world as most times I see a movie in the theater maybe once a year and it is usually animated, so this was quite a treat.
Friday night - 2012. Start the night off squashing into a building packed with terribly cool and overly hormonal teens making that sucking, tongue clicking sound of disgust as the "SOLD OUT" stamp keeps going over the New Moon movie times - "Ugh, like, what do we do now?!?!?"... but I digress...... so in line, get the tickets - head to the theater and sure enough - this theater is packed too - I am assuming it is the parents of said teens, but this is just the story I make up in my brain for shits and giggles. So - find seats - sit down and realize, yes, I am going to have to spend the next three hours next to the woman who wore too much perfume for her first date with the guy who keeps getting up and down (sir, there are medicines that can help you with that going/growing problem) and above the guy who likes to talk through movies - I know this because he turned around and said - "Hey - do you like to talk in movies, cause I like to talk in movies!"

...great....

Movie starts. Well - you can pretty much forget about any outside distractions in this movie. WOW. To say this movie is visually stunning is an understatement. And loud - but good loud - like you are so invested in the visual and sound that you have no choice but to pay attention to the screen. There is no mind wandering here. Now - the story can be terribly predictable and somewhat schmaltzy, but you expect that in a Hollywood epic like this. I forgave the schmaltz because of all those beautiful sequences that were brought to life on screen - I can only imagine how amazing this would have looked on an IMAX. I am not giving anything away here (see movie poster above) - there is one sequence where my prediction that California will eventually fall off into the ocean does just that. It starts with a man opening a car door and you see the asphalt crack and it leads you on this 15 minute journey as the movie slowly pulls back the audience perspective - crack leads to houses crumbling, leads to city blocks crashing, leads to neighborhoods sinking, leads to cities disappearing, leads to final shot of California slowly slipping under the foam of the Pacific Ocean. Like WOW - I am not sure I took a breath during that sequence - WOW. The movie ends with this happy resolution music and I turn to my husband and say - "what the hell is the happy music for?!?!? WE ARE ALL DEAD?!?! How is that happy resolution??!?" This minor meltdown leads to laughter three rows up and three rows down... I guess I like to talk in movies too.....

Sunday night - Precious.

Precious - Precious - Precious - Precious.

No - I didn't see it four times - not sure I could. Just as the visually stunning moments of the impending doom in 2012 made me sick to my stomach, this movie made me sick to my stomach with disgust. Disgust at the reality that abuse - evil abuses - as shown in the movie Precious happen everyday in homes all around us. Children everywhere suffer in pain with no idea that a better world exists and that they are in fact precious. There are moments in this film that had me gasping, grabbing the armrests of my seat and trying to get up in shock of what I was witnessing. And I wish I could say that they had over dramatized some of these moments with "dramatic liberties" but that was not the case. There was a great amount of truth in the everyday casual manner that dialogue was delivered and the verbal blows that cut so deep. It hurt deep to hear another human being in the process of being verbally whipped into submission and oppression. It stung your eyes to see the emotional scares and baggage this young woman carried as a result of her hopeless situation. Tough to watch, but well worth the journey.

Two movies - one weekend. One movie about changing the world one person at a time, one movie about changing the world by wiping it clean. I am not sure which of the two was the least overwhelming.

How is it possible...?

How is it possible that on the same day - within 10 minutes of each other - there are two news stories so related yet so polarizing.

We start with news of a soldier arrested for not deploying with her fellow troops because she had no one to watch her 10 month old child. Her child plans, which she is obligated to have by the military, fell through, and she was advised to surrender her child to foster care. Rather than do that - she stayed behind and she was arrested and now her child is in foster care anyway.

We move to a story of a mother arrested on the day her child is found dead in a wooded area. The woman is being charged with selling her 5 year old child into sex slavery.

Two women - two mothers. One serving her country and refusing to abandon her child. One living off of her country who abandoned her child in the most horrific way. Both now in jail.

Two stories.... 10 minutes... how is this possible.....

Dear Spam,

I hate you.

I mean I really really hate you.

I mean there is cold dark place in hell for you to stand on your head in a pile of s&%$ kind of hate.

As far as I am concerned, you are punishable by jail because of the constant harassment.

I do not wish to increase my penis size.
I do not care to buy prescription drugs from Canada.
I have no need for Viagra 75% off.
I will not be buying CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP Rolex's for Christmas.
You cannot fool me into clicking HERE to update my account info for the Bank of Tanzania, Facebook, or a returned IRS Tax return.
I do not wish to buy a degree in any field.
We did not chat online and get interrupted, or whatever.
I do not wish to buy a foreign bride, look at naked women, or men dressed as women, or barely legal teens, etc, etc, etc.
I know you are not giving away free laptops.
I know your software is illegal.
And what the hell does "ugfhgb jidlh jhlhoyehfabb hahorbadf jrouerqhe ..." mean anyway and who in their right mind would press the underlined link in an email like that anyway?!?!?!

You are all a*^%*%oles......all of you. I am so tired of spending a good chunk of my day going line by line deleting you and trying to sort your bulls&*%$ from actual important business emails. I can't even use anti-spam programs because we are a medical industry business so what I would use to block you could potentially block important business emails. I cannot change my email accounts because these are published emails and it would only be a matter of time before I am sold on another phishing list.

Bite me.... spam... you can bite me... if I don't bite you first.

Best Regards,
Bitch@pissedoff.com

Pajama Day

Okay... not a full blown, never get out of pajamas day - but close. House is being de-Halloween-i-fied. Other than that, not much else is gong on. I am taking the time to enjoy my quiet moments as I know that from now until January, these quiet moments are few and far between....is it me or do you already smell the Turkey in the oven for Thanksgiving?

I have a you-tube of Halloween - pics and video... but for some reason it doesn't want to play nice today and link to here or Facebook, so I will try tomorrow.....

...Oh Happy Fall!!!

Happy Halloween!!

Spiderman wishes all of you a wicked Halloween....



Oh ... and Max would like to thank his Daddy and his Mommy for an awesome Halloween Spiderman Birthday party today......

The wicked witch of this house declares tomorrow pajama day.....

Not the Official Halloween Post....

And so it begins....



Like the 12 days of Christmas in most families... Halloween goes on and on in our house. Costumes from previous years are brought out through out the year and played with (even though they are many sizes to small in some cases). The costumes become so beloved that the past two years my children chose to add to their Darth Vader and Storm Trooper costumes rather than pick new ones. They wanted to do the same thing this year - but alas - I need different costumes just to be able to tell the years apart in the pictures, so I forced them to pick something new.

Here was Ben this morning.... he was so excited that he refused to wear his jacket because it would ruin the effect as he walked into school.



A hilarious side note - he put his back pack on and wanted the cape on the outside, so I helped him. This caused a huge blue hump to appear on his back under the cape. Without skipping a beat, he hunched over and altered his voice and said - "Master... master... what can I do for you master?!?!" in his best hunch back imitation. People... he is 4. Okay - he is almost 5, but still!! I nearly fell over laughing... how do these kids come up with this crap?!?!?

Max didn't get to wear costumes to school today - but here are some pics from some hilarious costumes we stole...er uhm ... acquired, from one of my sister's garage sales.... they are terribly fun and HILARIOUS!!! They are those blow up kind -







Any hoo.... everyone have a safe and fun Halloween!! More pics later!!

Ahhhhh.....

This house is clean....

Yes... 11:00 at night - 2 days before the party (not 10 minutes before guests start to arrive)... this house is clean!

... Now I just have to put up cobwebs everywhere and make it look spookey and dusty....wait a minute.... didn't I just clean all that up?

So Close!

Oh so close, yet so far away! Here I am days away from my goal and I completely forgot about this dear ole blog last night.
I'll tell ya why I forgot... the wall street ticker in my brain is pulsating with information as I race to finish details for Max's Birthday Party and accept my mother of the year award!... Okay, just joking. I did (once again) disregard all time management skills and forced way to much into my October. Garage Sale, Conference, Birthday party, Halloween, SMASH, CRASH, BOOM!!
And to make things worse.... to add to everyone else who has waited until the last minute to do whatever Halloween costume shopping or whatever - the Walmart out here has chosen NOW to remodel. Every two days they have moved everything. You walk in looking for a very specific list of items and you walk out exhausted because you had to look near the tires to find the cereal. I bought items I didn't need and forgot half of my list because the store wasn't set up like my pre-arranged list, so by the time I made it to the front of the store, my child is crying with pain because he has to use the restroom, I have a cart so heavy I can't push and I STILL don't have everything I need.

And the worst part.....Ben has already begun his... "Well, when it's MY birthday party...."

Excuse me, Officer?

So here is one of those times when my terribly hot headed over opinionated very verbal mouth could possibly have gotten me into oodles of trouble - and still may.

This weekend I was in my front yard doing hedge work and the non-sick child was out front with me playing on his scooter or bike or big wheel or skate board or what ever had caught his fancy that current 15 second period. I start to hear sirens going off around the neighborhood, so I know something exciting must be happening and police are in hot persuit. That is when a marked police car comes flying down the street- sirens blaring - and races past our house.

Now let me give you a little history here. My street is a main entrance into a large neighborhood. Because of this, many people treat it like the main lanes of a cross country freeway. They come racing through and pay no regard to silly things like, oh I don't know - speed limits. Some have even blown past my son's bus even though the blaring blinking red lights and stop signs might have given a clue for them to stop. Un-marked police officers often sit in front of my house to help curb this issue. My point is - when I see a cop doing the same thing as the regular idiots in the neighborhood, I get PISSED.

So.... this is me.... and what does Mama Beck do? She calls - she calls her lovely local police department's non emergency hot line with a concern. Did you read that? Yes...I said concern - not complaint - concern. The receptionist takes my info, listen's to my brief concern and says someone will call me back. Thank you.

Ring Ring - Private number

Hello this is Rebecca

Hello Ma'm this is Seargent (so and so) with the (blah blah blah) police dept, how can I help you?

(terribly sweet cooperative tone) Thank you for calling me back - I first want to say that I have lived in this city for a very long time and I appreciate all that you and the other officers do for our city. I have a concern - today I was outside doing yard work when one of your officers went blaring through here on a neighborhood street going 60 miles an hour in persuit of an emergency. I appreciate that my street is an easy cut through and allowed him to avoid a lot of traffic and several lights, but this is still a neighborhood with children playing.

Well, mam'm, let me ask you this? Did you have a radar?

(Dropping sweet tone) Excuse me?

Well, Ma'm you say he was going 60 miles an hour - I was just curious how you would know that if you didn't have a radar?

(Pissy growl begins) No, sir... I do not have a radar -

Well, Ma'm I pulled up his GPS and he was only going 45 miles per hour.

Officer - I am not calling to debate the numerical speed of your officer. All I know was that he was going excessively fast for a neighborhood street when he had many other options, including pre-designed main streets that would have better accomodated his requirement for speed.

Well - he was in the neighborhood patrolling for safety when he received the call....

(Starting to lose all sense of decorum) And I appreciate that. I am calling because my 6 and 4 year old play in this neighborhood - a neighborhood with no sidewalks, and God forbid my children had run into the street after a ball or lost control of their bicycle - your officer would have hit and killed them. Now like I said before - I appreciate all your officers for all they have done - including patrolling this notorious street known for speeders - so when an officer disregards the same issues of safety that he upholds - I have concerns - and I would hope that I could call and have someone listen to my concern and not be confronted with such hostility. I grew up in this neighborhood, I now live here and choose to have my children grow up in this neighborhood, and I have a concern about their safety.

Yes, Ma'm ... I will talk to the officer in question and I will advise him that in the future perhaps a little more caution would be best.

(cold)Thank you.

Have a good day Ma'm.




.... here's hoping they haven't tagged my license plate in they system.....

Did I say that?

Did I say that I was going to blog every day in October? Yeah, well, BITE ME.... My body hurts like hell from trimming the damn hedges...I need a hot bath and 4 advil way more than I need to contemplate life here....

Oh God... Monday... really???... are you really coming tomorrow?