Thursday, March 03, 2005

Shame

This is for HER and HER . Two ladies I have known most of my life that I have shared some of the most intimate details of my life at some point or another. She had the courage to admit she had a demon and she had the courage to share her demon so that she wouldn't feel alone. Here goes...I am stepping into the circle of shame in order to help stamp it out for good...cause guess what ladies and gentlemen...we all got it...it posesses us all and ya know what else...no one thinks any less of you... except for yourself....Here is my shame:
I could be one of those women...
I have had fantasies all my life of just walking away and never looking back. I keep thinking that the more I commit myself to a certain life (married, becoming a mother, then becoming one again, committing to friendships) the more I will want to stay, but the opposite happens. I think of the quickest way out the door. The moment I make a plans... I try to figure out how to get out of them. I lie to the ones I love the most because I don't want to disappoint them with the truth. I didn't want this life, but I was too scared to live the life I really wanted so I tucked my tail in beneath my legs and said "I wasn't good enough for that life". I don't want to be married because it will just end up in divorce anyway. Our entire first year of marriage was riddled with stupid fights that ended with me telling him I wanted a divorce...until he called my bluff. I negotiated my unborn childrens' life to save my father's life. When my dad was diagnosed, I was pregant with Max. When my dad was dying, I was pregnant with Ben. I told God that if he had to take one of them... take my kids... because I didn't know them yet and I wouldn't miss them. I think God took my dad because I offered this horrible transaction... twice. I don't want to be a mom because I do not want to be responsible when they end up fucked up, obese, miserable, and blame me for being too fucked up, obese and miserable to change this inevitable fate.. You wanna talk shame... I walk around in public with it on this horrid body 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for the past 30 years...
...and I am so fucking sick and tired of it...
How about you? Go.. shout it out... I dare you... you need a witness?... let me know and I will be there...no judgements... no questions....

8 comments:

Bekah said...

I'm so moved by your compassion. I've been in tears between you and Tiff. Thank you. You lent me your courage for my latest post.

Becky said...

I lent you nothing... I have known you for 24 years... that courgae was your own!

ME said...

I love you. And I have been in awe of you for most of the 15 years that we have known one another. this just proves why. thank you

JuJubee said...

Wow! I certainly hope that you don't feel alone in these thoughts of yours because...honestly...we all feel this way at one time or another (some of us do all of the time)

Becky said...

Becky Mae -

Wow! That was a brave and courageous post yourself. I'm so proud of you for having the ability to release your feelings like that, hypocrit that I am. I think that it's really natural to second-guess the choices that you made, but in hindsight, do you still regret having them? I often wonder if I'd feel the same way you do, as I'm not sure I'm meant to go down that path.

Scarily, when my stepdad was sick last year and we knew he was terminal, I often wonderered how different things would be had it been my Mom to go, as Bob was such a "better" person in my life. I still do.

For what it's worth, you seem like a great mother to me, and in my experience, most of the fucked up kids had fucked up parents (it just may only be revealved behind the closed doors).

I'm going to have to check out your friends, too. But, hey... are there too many Becks on this site or what? hehe

Becky Jane

MissesCee said...

Hey - another Becky stopping by...so weird we have the first name and are about the same age! Anyway, I read this post and was really surprised (pleasantly) that you can be so honest on this forum. I just started my blog and I hope I have the courage to express what I feel so honestly when my time comes!

VILLAGE IDIOT said...

I WAS 2000 BABE.

J said...

Okay, I'm jumping in the circle over at my place. And I'm scared to death.