Shame

This is for HER and HER . Two ladies I have known most of my life that I have shared some of the most intimate details of my life at some point or another. She had the courage to admit she had a demon and she had the courage to share her demon so that she wouldn't feel alone. Here goes...I am stepping into the circle of shame in order to help stamp it out for good...cause guess what ladies and gentlemen...we all got it...it posesses us all and ya know what else...no one thinks any less of you... except for yourself....Here is my shame:
I could be one of those women...
I have had fantasies all my life of just walking away and never looking back. I keep thinking that the more I commit myself to a certain life (married, becoming a mother, then becoming one again, committing to friendships) the more I will want to stay, but the opposite happens. I think of the quickest way out the door. The moment I make a plans... I try to figure out how to get out of them. I lie to the ones I love the most because I don't want to disappoint them with the truth. I didn't want this life, but I was too scared to live the life I really wanted so I tucked my tail in beneath my legs and said "I wasn't good enough for that life". I don't want to be married because it will just end up in divorce anyway. Our entire first year of marriage was riddled with stupid fights that ended with me telling him I wanted a divorce...until he called my bluff. I negotiated my unborn childrens' life to save my father's life. When my dad was diagnosed, I was pregant with Max. When my dad was dying, I was pregnant with Ben. I told God that if he had to take one of them... take my kids... because I didn't know them yet and I wouldn't miss them. I think God took my dad because I offered this horrible transaction... twice. I don't want to be a mom because I do not want to be responsible when they end up fucked up, obese, miserable, and blame me for being too fucked up, obese and miserable to change this inevitable fate.. You wanna talk shame... I walk around in public with it on this horrid body 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for the past 30 years...
...and I am so fucking sick and tired of it...
How about you? Go.. shout it out... I dare you... you need a witness?... let me know and I will be there...no judgements... no questions....