Sunday, October 16, 2005

Turning over a new leaf....

So we have seemed to recover from last weeks adventures. Ben still has his old man wheeze, but I am sure that will continue until the Spring. Mom has made it back from her week and half fall foliage trip up to New England that resulted in no fall foliage but an immense amount of rain and lobster and gifts for the children. She called me at one point and said, "Could you pull out a calculator for me?" I knew then that her love of her grandchildren was hitting her wallet.
I am back to work tomorrow. I wish I could say that it was a nice break, but it was filled with concern for Ben and major guilt for the fact that I was not a work. Most people think that it must be a breeze working for your mother in a family company, but trust me... it is not. I do not dream to be my own boss or own my own company ever again... cause guess sucks where the buck stops. Don't get me wrong, I would love to win the lottery or have a career like writing or performing where ultimately I set the schedule, but customer service is not my forte.... I DO NOT think the customer is always right and unfortunately I am not a very good liar, so the customer knows that I think they are full of horse s%^t.
I picked my mother up from the airport on Friday night and she started a very interesting conversation. It was basically that she is not living her dream life. She is not persuing her passions. And I sat there and thought, what the hell are we doing? She doesn't want to be there.. I don't want to be there... neither one of us is living our dream..... hell, neither one of us is even remotely satisfied with what we are doing. It is a paycheck, and a very expensive one, too. It is becoming more and more apparent that this paycheck is costing me more of my life energy than I would like to share. This is a very repetitive circular journey in my life story, but the fear of breaking the cycle is terrifying. I think I know what I would really like to do, but when I start to process the possibility, I immediately post very elaborate obstacles and outrageous scenarios that push me back into the lazy boy of life and say, "you will feel better tomorrow... you are just tired, it's the new baby, it's that project, blah, blah, blah...."
I am also held captive by my "good ole days" alter ego. The grass always tends to be greener in every pasture I have already visited. Am I fooling myself or just dropping clues to remind myself what really fulfills my soul?
So it is fall (or so I hear, the weather outside my home certainly disagrees), a time when trees shed their leaves. Expose themselves to the harsh realities of winter, and plant possibilites to bloom in the Spring. I think I am planting bulbs of possibility of my own this Fall. I am hoping to plug my ears from the harsh realities of my own cynicism and bloom something beautiful in the next few months, seasons, years. I cannot keep putting myself on a calendar that I know I cannot keep, but at the same time I have got to stop putting the calendar in my bedside table and pretend it does not exist.

As I am reviewing this post to publish, my attention is pulled to the song on the TV, the end of Lord of the Rings, Annie Lenox:
What do you see on the horizon?
Why do the wild doves call?
Across the sea?
A pale moon rising....
The ships have come to carry you home...

God in Heaven, I hope so.....

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