Attack of the Alpha Mom

So as I am entering daycare today, I see a woman asking the girl at the front when a good time to contact the director would be.... after some face twisting in "I have no clue what time is better than another" the exhasperated mother sighs and says, "Oh never mind, I am going to leave my number and please have her call me....."

I take the kids to their rooms, kisses goodbye and I am off to start my day.

In the parking lot, I see the woman starting to back up, stop her car, return to her parking space and say:

"Excuse me!!!!" as she is exiting her car...."You are Max's mom, right?"

(Goodness gracious, how do these parents know my kid and that I belong to them... I need to be more attentive!)

"Listen... I just want to get your opinion on something... what is your feeling on the homework issue?"

"Uhm, well... I can't say that I am happy with 5 sheets a night, because sometimes it can be a little overwhelming, but generally, if he didn't complete his work or if there is something he needs extra assistance with, well I am okay with it."

"Well, my son is in the class below Max and they JUST informed me that they are doing away with homework, AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT!"

(wait... the class beneath Max? That means he is 3 turning 4)

"I mean at this age the children are sponges and they need to be taught the discipline so that they are used to it.. I am just not okay with this and I have asked the director to call me...I am NOT happy...."

( Oh my... you have your child on some pre-qualifying list for Harvard, don't you?)

"I hear what you are saying, I mean... I know I could go get some workbooks to work with him alone at home (sarcastic jab of, if you want your kids to be an overachiever at 3, get your own worksheets), but I guess it is nice to have them send home the same type of sheets that they are working with in class so there is a universal language ( subtle clean up for previous sarcastic jab)"

"Well, I just wanted to see what your opinion is" (which I heard to say, " I am looking for people to camp out on my side of the protest before I speak with the director.")

"No problem!" (which was delivered to be heard as "Sorry, Lady, you are barking up the wrong tree!")

Adventures in Potty Training: Day One

My sweet angel Benjamin.... it is time... this is the last 3 day weekend opportunity we are going to have for a while, so Daddy and I decided, we are tired of buying pull up diapers..... (see previous budget meltdown)...... this weekend, it is all about pee pee and poo poo in the potty.

It starts early in the week, casual conversation around the dinner table, "Ben is getting to be such a big boy, don't you think, Daddy?... Hey Max, would you be willing to help us teach Ben how to pee pee in the potty like a big boy just like you?" Max has decided he is the trainer, I am the underwear changer, and daddy will be the accident cleaner...(God, I love that child!)... but I digress.... the seeds are being planted, Ben lights up because he is the center of attention.

The casual conversation continues in the car to and from school,
Me: "So.... big weekend, huh?"
Max: "Yep, big weekend, pee pee in the potty like me..."
Ben: "I pee pee in the pahhhty!"

Friday night, we go to dinner with family and the conversation surrounds Ben, "Ben, I hear you are gonna pee pee in the potty this weekend!" says Aunt Karen, followed by my announcement, "Yep, after this we are going to the store to pick out our big boy underwear!" Ben can hardly contain himself with all the excitement, so he honors us with a PRE "pee pee in potty" party present of going pee pee in the restroom at the resturaunt.... he requested 4 trips the the bathroom to accomplish this feat, but it happened!

We head to Walmart to pick our new big boy underwear and choose Thomas the Train, Spiderman, and Diego (and mommy grabbed a basic white value pack as our back up). He is so excited he pulls them off the shelf himself and one by one puts them into the cart.

9:30 - This morning we wake up (luxuriously late, so, thank you boys) and it is time to get dressed. He bolts to the kitchen where his underwear is still in the bag and we begin to pull out all the underwear and look at them to decide which is going to be the glorious winner to grace my sweet baby bears little toosh for the very first time. It was a tough call between Thomas and Spiderman, but with the urging of his brother, Ben chose Spiderman. Of course mommy gets pictures because there is nothing more adorable than a 2 1/2 yr old in tighty whities with cartoon characters.

9:38 - we decide our brother pushed us a little too hard and we REALLY wanted to start this journey with Thomas the train... it is our middle name after all!

9:45 - we discover the first pit falls of big boy underwear as we try to flash gordon our heiney bump down the stairs. About 4 stairs into our bump, bump, bump down we realize.... hey...wait.... there is no cushion here.... we delicatly rub our toosh, and decide to stand and walk down the stairs.

10:00 - no pee pee

10:30 - no pee pee

11:00 - no pee pee

11:15 - jumping on the trampoline, we have our first accident - THAT'S OKAY....good try, let's get some clean clothes on... next time....

11:45 - standing right in front of me, no warning, puddles..... Boo Boo, you gotta pee pee in the potty.. just tell me and we will hurry!

12:30 - no pee pee

1:00 - WHAM...... upstairs door slams.....Oh crap..he is taking a CRAP! I know that I gotta hide in a room by myself to poop trick.... RUN upstairs to find him in the corner, hands over his eyes, deed done. Oh pumpkin, it's okay, this is hard, and we are going to learn, but you gotta tell mommy and dadddy, you don't want this yucky stuff on you, let's put it in the potty.

1:00-4:30 nothing.....nothing but a desperate child who desperately wants some of the m&m's that are sitting on the window ledge mocking him..."Candy, pleeeeeeze, mommy!!!" .... "No baby, you gotta get that pee pee in the potty!"

5:00 - Mommy... I gotta potty.....
Hurry... hurry..let's go....
Sitting on the potty, hand cupping his ear to make sure he can hear it... tinkle, tinkle, tinkle into the water!!!!
BIG BOY PEE PEE'S IN THE POTTY AND GET'S HIS JUST REWARD - M&Ms !!!!

7:00 - Hold onto your shorts, folks..... I come around the corner to a freaked child with no pants on pointing to the alien things in the potty and questioningly announcing, "Mommy, I poop in the potty?!?!?" I come to the potty and what do I see.....POO POO IN THE POTTY!!!!!!!! Two glorious perfect little poops in the potty!! I SCREAM in excitement and realize I have scared the bejezuz out of my child who is standing there not understanding what the hell just came out of his heiney or, if in fact, something just crawled up the toilet while he was sitting on it! I calm myself but still remain very enthusiastic, smiling, hugging, and high-fiving the newest big boy in the house!
What does he ask as a reward for this achievement?
Pizza
Guess who is ringing our door bell right now.......

8:00 ah crap (changing pee pee pants) it's only the first day..... baby steps, baby steps... no let be rephrase that... big boy steps, big boy steps.....

7:50 AM

Max throws up in car.

Will not be in the office today.

Mad rush to clean vomit out of car before hot summer day wins the battle and destroys my car.

Is there such a thing as too much Febreeze?

Thy will be done

So through an interesting "one thing lead to another"... I came across the blog of the person who received the teaching position that I interviewed for earlier this summer. It started when I received an email from the HR dept of the district that I had applied for asking if I was still available to teach. I am sure it was a blanket email sent to everyone who had applied so that they can clean out their system. Then I drove past the high school near me that was welcoming the new principal to the school who just happened to be the associate principal that I had interiewed with at the OTHER high school. I went online to confirm the information and then my curious cat nature had me nosing around to find the name of the person who did get the postion, which I did, then I googled the name (which I always do) and found his blog instantly.... silly on his behalf because if I found it, so could his students and his students' parents, but hey, not my problem.

Any hoo... what struck me as interesting in the big picture of things was.... he didn't want the job. What he was really hoping for was to be accepted for a 3 yr MFA program at a prestigious college. In his blog he said he and his wife, "...gave it to God.. and whatever God wanted... so be it...." Well, he didn't get in. He got this teaching job instead...."which I guess is okay...I mean, it's a new school and I would be the head of the department..."

Wow..... this is just so amazing to me. It is just so amazing to me that - even though I believe we have the ultimate choice to accept his calling - God really is constantly hovering above, moving the chess pieces exactly where He needs them, when He needs them, for the greatest good.

My favorite Rolling Stones Song and personal mantra:

"You can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes, you just might find... you get what you need...."

I am pissed.....

I am pissed to the point of tears.
I am angry because I am internally humiliated.
I am upset because something that may seem so small and trivial to someone else can literlly cause an avalanche of reactions in my little insignficant world.

An eye doctor's appointment. A harmless eye fucking doctor's appointment. If it was not for the fact that I HAVE to get new contacts becasue the disposable ones that are in my eyes are so blurry I have headaches and easily 3 months old. I would just get contacts, but I am not allowed to per the government, I have to have an appointment.
I know that even 10 off of our budget can cause hundreds in overdraft protection fees, so I call ahead to my insurance company - WHAT DO YOU COVER....WHO IS IN NETWORK.... I call the in network provider who happens to be someone I went to years ago and my mother and sister have gone to for years....MY INSURANCE SAYS YOU ARE IN-NETWORK, ARE YOU?....yes..... DO YOU FILE OR DO I HAVE TO FILE?....we will file.... SO ALL THAT WILL BE COLLECTED IS MY CO-PAYS?.....yes.....

Get to the appointment...happy happy happy.... how's mom? how's sis? yadda yadda what's the problem? here's the solution.... we will put you in these.... same cost as what you were in before.... try these on....take all of these.....

That will be $284.00 if you order a years worth today......
What...(studder) uhm, well... let me just try these and then I will call.....
Oh... those are not samples.. those are the first of the order.....
Oh, uhm, well..... okay.....
But you can return them if you don't like them and want to try something else...
Oh, great ...okay.... (damnit Becky say something, you fucking idiot, tell them to take their damn contacts and shove it)...can I just pay for the exam right now?
SURE!... That's $58.00.....
$58.00... wait... I only have a $15 copay.....
Yes ma'm but that doesn't cover the $43.00 contact lense fitting fee.....
(coldly looking down at the counter because I am embarrassed that the entire store and all the associates can hear me stammering about money) I would have appreciated to have known this BEFORE now.....
Oh, I am sorry... I can take it out of the $150 allowance you are given for your contacts....
No....

At this point I want to start crying because I am so pissed but I am so exposed in an environment surrounded by people who cannot understand how $43.00 absolutely ruins me... how I feel like I have been had but I have lost my voice because I don't want to make a scene and I don't want to make it uncomfortable for my mother and sister who have gone there for over 10 yrs.

I walk out the door and I am so upset I can't hink clearly. I am panicking thinking where am I going to come up with $200.00. It takes me an hour to calm down to start thinking - call the office manager, make a complaint, return the contacts, get your prescription (which by the way I was not given) and go somewhere else.

My first Interview....

Well.. close to it... actually no, not my first interview now that I think of it, but my first blog interview... anyhoo.... Becky - not me - another Becky Blogger (April Fool) - offered to ask interview questions to readers on her blog after she answered some interview questions on hers, so here were my questions:


1. You were in NYC for 9/11, how do you think that being there affected you differently than from the rest of us that watched it on TV. Has it made you more scared, more concerned about security, etc?
This is hard, because I do not want to lessen any one's feeling towards that day because I know it was hard on everyone - but truth be told - I am not sure how anyone who was not there could possibly understand what it feels like. I guess it is very similar to people who have experienced the death of a loved one and being approached by someone saying how sad they were when good friend's dad died. You kind of shake your head, accept there good thoughts/intentions, and realize that they didn't know what they said because there is no way they could know what they said. Now having said that - I cannot even claim the amount of fear and grief as those that were in those buildings or lost loved ones who were. I will say I have never felt terror more than that day and the days that followed.

But at the same time - this along with other life altering events like our house fire when I was in college or the death of my father, has brought a peace of this too shall pass. I do not fear my own death, in a fight or flight situation, I know that I am a fighter, and I know that no amount or diplomacy and no amount of guns can protect me from people who have decided that my safety and my life and the life of my family are not as precious as their beliefs. I know we will be attacked again, I pray that I will be with my children and family, and I am always thinking of disaster plans of how I am going to get to my children in the event that something as large scale as 9-11 happens near me. I ask my daycare what their disaster plans are even though they shake their heads at me.


2. Since you recently applied for a theatre teaching position, what would be the only play or musical that you'd want to direct?
Ahhhh.... very difficult one... there is no ONE play/musical that stands out. I have a list of several that I have my own vision of. One thing that I have struggled with in my journey of "to teach or not to teach" has been that most of my interests tend to fall on the more controversial side of the art, "Rent", "Angels in America", etc. I will say that I have a passion for original works. I have a passion for the process of creating something from nothing, working together to sort the good from the bad and present it to an audience who has no previous history with a piece and watch them discover it, love it, hate it, whatever.....


3. If you'd had any girls, what would you have most likely named them?
Well... I am not sure if the ship has completely sailed into the sunset on whether or not a baby girl could possibly bless our family, but we have a couple of options. I actually love the idea of naming a little girl Brooklyn (where my husband is from) and her nick name would be Brooke or Michaela (after my husband who is Michael).

4. If you were to escape from your current life for a week and your family/friends wouldn't even realize that you'd left, what would you do, where would you go (and yes, time travel counts)?
Just a week? Well, yes if it was without my family and friends I would not be happy much more than a week to myself. Right now, I would love to go on a spiritual adventure, something retreat "find my inner soul"-esque, yet not just sitting and meditating. Like - jump into and become a character in the "Celestine Prophecy". I want to go someplace by myself, look at a beautiful mountain, climb it, then find out my purpose of how I am part of the mountain and what good I could do to make the mountain better for everyone else.


5. Is there a food that you hated when you were younger and now really enjoy?
Somehow when I was young, I confused cranberry sauce with beets, so I avoided it like the plague. It wasn't until my first Thanksgiving with my husband when we were having a conversation about how sweet and jello-y cranberry sauce was that I re-thought and tried it again. Now I cannot have a turkey dinner without it!


This was very thought provoking and fun to do, so I would love to play interviewer for anyone interested. Leave a comment and I will Barbara Walters you into crying over what kind of tree you wish you were!

The Deathy Hallows

I have never gotten a book the day it was published.
I have never read almost 800 pages in one week before.
I have never been so into a book that I stayed up until 4 am reading it.
I have never cried so hard that I couldn't read the book, and yet tried desperately to make myself stop crying so I could continue to read the words.
I have never committed myself to reading a "story" for this long (all 7 books).
I have never chosen a book over TV before.

I loved this book. I loved that I was able to stay away from the spoilers and enjoy the entire book. I am a little sad that I read it so quick because now it is over.

Crash, whizzzz, bam!

So there you have it. I have officially hit the wall. As I chatted with Tiffanie today, I thought perhaps I would skirt the inevitable crash this time by taking Monday and Tuesday off this week, but that did not work. I am coughing, losing my voice and generally falling asleep here at my desk as I type this.

I hate that when you have so much to blog about, you have no time to blog, and when you have oodles and oodles of time to blog.... nothing seems to come to mind.

First of all..... and I am too lazy to link so just wander over to my side bar to find him... you MUST go visit my very dear friend Kyle at "I probably shouldn't say anything....". He has recently started video blogging and I cannot seem to get enough of him. His most recent with guest blogger, Dennis, also a very dear friend, nearly had me in stitches. Now I will preface this with I have a very long history with these guys, so I am not sure if they are truly that damn funny or if it just so damn funny to me because I have been around these stories for 10+ years. Any way... go visit....

Enough of them... back to me.... well not me directly, but what is going on near me.... let's see.... My sister got married this weekend. She was lovely, it was all lovely, but after several nights, up until 2-3 am trying to get it all together, I am glad it is over.

As stated in the previous post, the house is done, and by done, I mean I am no longer in the process of changing anything. I have everything that I need on an almost daily basis where I want it and I am quickly contemplateing flicking a lit match in the general direction of all the other boxes. You know, the boxes that has all the stuff that was crammed into the closets and not taken out until it was time to cram them back into boxes to move to the new house? That stuff. We still have an entire storage unit of boxes to free, but that stuff is attic and garage stuff, but I have to clear out the garage before I...who am I kidding.....Mike, brings all the stuff from storage.

Speaking of Mike....My sweet, loving, Ta Ta..... I ruined him... I broke him. I took my loving husband, sold him into slave labor to re-do our floors downstairs, and I broke him. I tore his knee all to hell. THE BAD NEWS: He has to have surgery. THE GOOD NEWS: the floors are done....I am cold and heartless, I know, but it would have been hell hobbling around on those crutches on un-even un-finished floors!

Oh...let's see... since I am babbling, let's throw in a couple of kid stories just to round out the entry:

Yesterday, Max had an "incident" at school. Daddy picked him up and was informed that he threw his lunch plate on the floor because they made pasta with red sauce and he didn't like the pasta with red sauce, so splat on the floor it went. This is my fault because I usually just make him dry pasta, but I didn't think he would throw a tantrum when offered a different way. They ended up giving him dry pasta. Well, Daddy took away his TV and pool priviledges for the night and informed him we would be writing letters to say we were sorry to his teachers, eating dinner, showering and going to bed.... I then added to it by making pasta with red sauce for dinner and told him that if he was hungry he would eat it.... which after sitting there for 15 minutes, finally did, with a smile saying, "see, mommy.... it's good......"

Do not get me wrong, there was a lot of crying and kicking and screaming before that first bite, but eventually I took out the can of spagetteo's (which he inhales, practically) and showed him that there was NO DIFFERENCE between the pasta with red sauce there and the pasta and red sauce that was on his plate. The really funny part was seeing Ben sitting there, covered in red sauce and thoroughly enjoying every bite of his dinner looking at Max like he was crazy.

Then, we could not get Ben to settle down for bed. At one point, Daddy had to take the flash light and head up to his room to get him back into bed and he calls down to me, "Babe..." and I come around and look up the stairs, and he asked me to look around downstairs because he wasn't up there. So I holler out "Ben!" into the darkness and hear " I right here".....He had smushed himself up against the wall in the corner right outside our door and was sitting there as silent as midnight with a huge smile on his face the whole time... both daddy and I walked right past him.

So, tell me... what's up with you? Where are you? Why are your lurking? I see you coming.. I see the click, click, clicking of the stat counter, yet no "hello"? Don't be afraid... I don't bite.... well I do, but you will get over it, I promise!

It's a home

It's no longer a house being renovated, it is a home. Now... don't get me wrong. The boxes will never end... but the essentials are where they need to be and the rest will come in time.

Four months later, we have torn up the downstairs floors (approx 1500 sq feet of tile and laminate), put down new laminate wood floors, took down a wall between the kitchen and breakfast area, put wainscotting around the breakfast area, new backsplash in the kitchen, new granite counter tops in the kitchen, guest bath, and 1/2 bath, and painted every wall in the entire house excluding the utility room and a couple of hallways.

My dearsest loving husband - thank you so much for "going with" all my wild hairs and grinning and bearing it, even though you are going to need knee surgey now (another post)

Opa Jim - You will NEVER - EVER - know how thankful we are for all you have done to help us! We would never have been able to accomplish these huge tasks without your guidance and direction (and loving push to get Mike going in the right direction).... thank you, thank you... thank you..... and thank you, Oma Linda, for sharing him!

Mom - I have cherished this time we have had to plan, play, shop, demolish, paint, decorate, and garage/estate sale shop. Thank you so much for your loving push to help me keep motivated on those days I wanted to keep it as a great storage place, rather than find the energy to make it a home.

Pictures to come...I promise.....

Is it just that simple?

To be happy or not to be happy? Is it just that simple?

I find myself in a funk lately. Very much like walking around with clouds surrounding me and rain falling on my head, hairspray getting into my eyes, my make-up running, my clothes drenched and cold, feet squishing, then I slip on the floor and yell at it, really REALLY loud... because it is all the floor's fault!!!! Who put the floor under my feet, when they knew my feet would be squishy, and I wouldn't be able to see because my make-up was running and hair spray was stinging my eyes thanks to all this rain!!!!

Now I know there are songs out there that joyously sing the praises of dancing in the rain... happy happy joy joy... so is it a conscious decision? I know I can't control the rain, or at least parts of the rain I cannot control. But can I control how I choose to view the rain? Is it that simple?

Is that healthy? Is it okay to just change my mind and decide that I want to be happy and dance in the rain vs. yell at the floor and anyone who dare near me? I don't think it is healthy to pretend I am not sad or angry, cause I am. Do I think I need to figure out what is making me sad or angry, yes. But when you find out the answer, you can't necessarily control the rain.

Oh I am bored with myself..... just go to the tool bar and click next blog....maybe they will be more interesting.....

No....

f&%k, s*&^%, son-of-a-b*^%4, mother f*^%ing, a&%$#le,....

Whoa, whoa, whoa....
What?!?!

What's the problem?
I'm mad, that's the problem... I'm mad at YOU!

No you're not
YES I AM!

You're mad... but not at me.
Well I'm mad.

You didn't want this job.
Yes I did.

No you didn't, you wanted a job.
Same difference!

No... big difference.
Look... I'm mad, I'm sad, I wanted this to be easier, thought this would go differently than this....

You are not mad, your are disappointed, and I understand, but I said my plan, my time.
I know but I'm not real good at this.

I know you are not, that is part of the lesson.


So I didn't get the job. And I knew I wasn't going to, I had a dream that clearly told me, "we went with someone else". The associate principal was very polite and complimentary on the phone, "You interviewd great, and if I hear of any openings inthe district, I am definitely going to forward your information....blah blah blah..." Now, I cannot blame them. They are green, barely open for a year, and they want someone with experience - high school teaching experience - not necessarily theatre experience.

Ahhhh... pissy pants....

1st Field Trip

My baby, my first born, my angel-love boobulah, Max, is going on his first big boy field trip as I type. He is getting on a big boy bus without mommy and daddy and going to Chuck E Cheese's for lunch.

When I realized that he was old enough for his class to be included on the field trips, I was talking to the ladies at the front desk and told them he may not be able to handle the excitement. He may have a heart attack the first time he gets on that big bus. He has wanted to get on that bus since he could speak. Everytime we passed it on our way into school, I would tell him that when he was a big boy it would be his turn to ride that big boy bus. Well, that day has come.

He kept coming into my bathroom this morning, "Mommy, hurry... you have to get ready faster.... my friends are waiting for me...HURRY!!!" Now let me tell you, this little morsel of information is summer's version of calling Santa to skip our house at Christmas. Any mis-step or whine or cry is quickly corrected with a "Do I have to tell your teachers you can't go on the field trip?"

.... they grow up so fast.......

The BIG SPLASH

So we were evicted from my mother's over the weekend. My sister moved into her place since she sold her house and her new construction house won't be finished until August/September. Our house is far from complete, but it is liveable. Perhaps living in the chaos will help to motivate us to finish the last projects we have to do.

I got to take a bath this weekend. It is the first "bath" I have had in close to 10 years. I have not had the luxury of a bath tub for waaaaaaaay too long. I used to live for my bubble baths with candles, wine and music, but my living arrangements over the past few years has not been able to accomodate "me time" in water so hot I am beet red for an hour after getting out. As I laid in the bath on Saturday night, I actually felt myself coming back. I was able to open my mind and relax and enjoy the moment completely...it was GREAT!!!

Our biggest headache....the pool. Ya know.... it's sounds great. It always sounds ideal to have your very own pool in your very own back yard, but let me tell you, it can be a nightmare. After several pool guys, a polaris, new filters, and a losing fight with the home warranty people, we finally were able to enjoy our pool this weekend:






I have to say...it was AWESOME!! It felt like we were on vacation. It was great to be able to play in the pool after working so hard in yard all day. It was so much fun to have my children's complete and full attention. It was amazing to watch my husband turn into a child himself and play with his kids. It made all the heartache worth it. The worst part was the absolute meltdown when it was time to get out. The boys were so exhausted that the tears could not stop. We stripped off the wet bathing suits, showered them and got them into their night clothes without one stop to the crying. My angels at their dinner and completely zoned out from exhaustion.

So much more to do, but I am going to enjoy these hot days and nights in my pool, so for those of you close enough to enjoy it with us, close your eyes as you walk through the main part of the house that is in shambles, and I promise you will forgive us as soon as you get to the back yard and I pour your margarita.

Really well....

...maybe a little too well.....

The person I will be replacing sat in on the interview.

Why are you leaving the position?
Well, my question to you is how much time are you willing to give to this department?
(Associate principal intervenes)...answered with another question..huh,huh... (nervous laugh)
....because we are talking 12-14 hr days, 6-7 days a week. It is a HUGE committment!


Now, let me first say, I know..it is a huge committment.. I have been there, I know what I am getting into, I am aware ....but if you are going at this 12-14 hrs a day 6-7 a week, then something is broken. You should not be submitting the kids to this kind of slave labor... but I will wait to pass judgemnt/make a decision until my second interview....

... which I am pretty sure I am going to get..... I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: 12 HRS LATER

Read yesterday's post first if you haven't already! Otherwise the update isn't quite as funny.


ring...ring...
This is Rebecca
Ms. Randall?
Yes.
This is Associate Principal ----- from ------high school. I got your information from ----- and we understand you are looking for a high school theatre teaching position and so are we.......
blink blink
.... can you meet with us tomorrow......

I said I would handle it...
Yes you did.

Casting nets

Rambling, rambling.... not really sure where to go with this. I have had these issues stirring for several weeks. I have tried talking them out, meditating them out, refocusing them out, now I'll try blogging it out.

I guess I feel like I was working on so much momentum and divine intervention and then it just stopped. The yellow brick road ended in the big field of flowers and now all I want to do is sleep. I'm even second guessing myself that I don't want to make it to the Emerald city, get my wish from the wizard, and make supposed passion/dream come true.

Second City... a city filled with second guessing myself.... what am I thinking? what am I doing? do I really want to do this? Can I do this? I can't stay here, but do I really want to go there? Who the hell are you to even question this, seeings how they ain't exactly beating your door down to meet you? How can you expect to get an interview if you don't apply? The old, ya gotta buy a ticket philosophy. Well.... I don't really want to waste my money buying tickets for all kinds of raffles and end up with a prize I don't really want, but I won, by golly!

Time... never been a real big friend of mine. Never on my side. I am competely aware of the fact that this is MY issue, not father Time's issue. It is either too fast or way too slow. I sent in my resume.. they should call me.. like now... like, do they realize I am waiting for this call...I don't care that the spring is riddled with end of school year functions like UIL competions and well.... the end of school.... they should call me now. Oh great, it's too late... it is almost the end of school, it is almost summer break, they are all going to be on vacation. They have already made their decision by now, and it is not you... you weren't even in the running... you weren't even close!

You gotta get out of this job... you gotta get out of this place... these walls are caving in on you, every one around you is an asshole, nobody knows what the hell they are doing, even their voices make you crazy.... wait a minute... could it be you? During a meditation, begging and pleading to get out of my current situation, a very clear voice in my head said....before you can leave the "jail" you are in, you have to figure out what/why you allowed yourself to be there in the first place. Ouch... awww man.... I am sabotaging myself. Even if I did get an interview right now, my aura is so black and clouded with desperation and anger, who the hell would want to hire me?





Didn't I say that I would handle this?
Yes, you did.
Then okay, I'll handle it.
But when?
I said, I'll handle it. It will happen when it is suppose to happen, how it is supposed to happen. You just need to learn the lesson today and stop worrying about the details about tomorrow.
But I have to plan!
Plan what?
My life!
What would change? Really, what would change? Would your husband change? Will your children change? Will how you parent your children change? Will the time you spend with your family and friends change?
No.
So what will change?.... what time you get up for work, how you drive to work and what you do there. So like I said... I'll handle it.
But there is so much riding on this!
Why? Why have you placed so much success/failure of your happiness on this decision?
Because I think that I am supposed to be doing my greatest good and I am not doing that right now.
I cannot help you change that just by changing your job.

(.... very ... deep .... breath ....)

I know.
I know you know.
I don't like these talks.
Yes, you do.
Yes, I do.
So... like I said...I'll handle it... in MY time.
I know you will.
And now you know what you have to do.
Yes, I do.
Good.... now go to bed.

Ben won!

A shift happened yesterday, it was subtle, probably no one but a mother would have noticed, but it happened.

Ben won.

Every morning there is a race that takes place from the starting line (the parking lot) to the finishing line (the front door of the boys school). The boys run to the starting line, hunker down, and wait for mommy to announce: "On your mark; get set; GO!!" and the 2 of them tear off, full speed for the finish line. At first Ben was too young to realize it was a race, he just thought it was fun to wait for the signal and run real fast. Then there were a couple of times when Max or Ben would dart off early before I said "GO" and I would "wai-wai-wai-wait!" them back to the starting line for a fair start. I think it was one of these false starts that Ben realized that this was a competition. Shortly after this, he would pout or give up when it would become evident that his brother was winning the race.

But not yesterday..... my baby boy bit his lower lip, gave it his all, and beat the pants off his big brother. Max stopped short of the finish line and crossed his arms and pouted, almost in shock that his baby brother had whipped his heiney for the first time.

Ben was so proud of himself he could have lit up a midnight sky.

Looking for a 12 step....

So I am currently looking for a 12 step program to help me with my latest addiction. I blame my best friend, Tiffanie. It is all her fault. It all started over a lunch email at work:

T: Heading out to get the boy a toddler bed
Me: How much fun, from where?
T: Oh it's one of my free thingys...
Me: (sniff sniff).... what?....(sniff).... what do you mean free thingys?.....
T: YOU KNOW...I just know I have told you about it... it is this internetthingy where rather than donate your stuff you don't want you post it online in a group and the ground rules are it has to be free....

Somewhere around here I stopped reading.... FREE.... FREE, PEOPLE.

It is called Freecycle.org and they are global. They are online communitties that are run locally in neighborhoods. The rules may vary from group to group, but the bottom line is, you offer what you don't want for free, it must be usable, it must be appropriate for all ages, you are responsible for your own safety. People offer from clothes, to toys, to dish washers, to camping equipment, to whatever....There are 4 titles: OFFER, WANT, TAKEN, RECEIVED.

It is so freaking cool!!

To date I have received some gorgeous gold sheers, 2 outdoor chaise lounges and a coffee table/end table set.....for freaking free..... it's like ebay for the poor. The offer goes out and you pray your email hits their in box first so you can win the prize.

Freecycle.org

Go.....and I'm sorry... addicts never like to be alone......

I am woman hear me roar.....

I am covered in paint and recovering from a state recertification survey...this is the best I can do people.....

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You say it's your birthday?

.... it's my birthday, too, yeah!