See Ya!!

LA is calling and we gotta fly......

You see, we gots ourselves a fancy schmancy wedding to attend on a fancy schmancy yacht out in the bay off of LA, while two love birds gets hitched under the fireworks on the 4th of July!

And to make it even better, the attire is old Hollywood (1920-1950's). Let's just say that when I tried on my Mae West outfit and asked my mafia man if there was a gun in his pocket or if he was just happy to see me.... he was happy to see me.....

Now you people play nice this holiday or else I am gonna have to send my boys to rough you up....

Hard Lessons- Update

He was dressed before the cereal hit the table.

As we drove to school, he silently chanted, "please don't go red, please don't go red, please don't go red...." at every stop light.

As we drove in the parking lot and saw the school bus hadn't even been loaded yet, he shouted, "YES!!!" and quickly took his seat belt off and ran to his class room.

I think he got the lesson.

...for a little while.....

Hard Lessons

So Max learned a hard lesson today.

It has been a rough couple of weeks around our house. Crazy mixed up schedules with too much to do and too little time to do it in. The result of this toxic combination has been out of control children and even worse behavior.

Today was one of those mornings. One of those mornings when my voice appears to be on mute. Nothing I said was being heard, the louder I got, the worse the behavior got. Since I, too, am suffering from little sleep syndrome, I am not handling the situations in the most adult and dignified ways, either, but this is about Max today, so I digress.....

Max would not get dressed. He would not put his toys down. He would not put his breakfast dishes in the sink. He would not ________. He would not ___________. He would not __________. I could fill in those blanks all day long.

I knew he had a field trip today. HE knew he had a field trip today. He knew he was going to the movies and what movie he was seeing. He talked about it all morning in between me yelling for him to get dressed and do his chores.... he knew and I knew.... what I knew better was how to tell time and I knew that we were going to miss the field trip bus. And I did not care. I reminded him that his delays could mean the bus would leave without him, and that would put a small spark under his hiney for about 5 seconds, but then his toy truck would distract him and the vicious cycle would start over.

After 45 minutes of fighting to get out the door, we are on the way to school.

We arrive at school just in time for Max to get out of the car and watch the field trip bus drive out of the parking lot.

He collapsed to his knees in tears.

I asked him to stand up and I talked with him face to face. I reminded him that the reason he missed this field trip was because he did not follow directions and did not get dressed when mommy told him to. I told him that tomorrow was a BIG field trip to the zoo - and he better try harder tomorrow or he would miss that bus too.

He dried his eyes and walked into the school. Because all of his friends and teachers were gone, he was asked to be a teacher's helper in Ben's class - which helped brighten the situation.

I know I probably could have waved my arms like a chicken with my head cut off to get them to stop the bus. I know where the field trip was going and I probably could have driven him there myself to catch up with his friends - and I would have been a rock star in my son's eyes... but then we would have missed the point entirely.

I felt horrible as I drove away from his school because I had several ways I COULD have fixed the situation, but I chose not to.

I chose the hard road in hopes that this little event makes a big impact in his life.

It's all about me....

Here is a mosiac of me. The game is to answer the following questions by going to Flickr and placing your images into a mosaic.... so here you go:



1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

1. Rebecca Roams, 2. London Pasta Week: Day 1, 3. Bellaire, Tx Fire Dept., 4. If at first you don't succeed..., 5. Portrait: Sopranos, 6. feet and some wine, 7. evening James River sky, 8. coffee and chocolate mousse cake, 9. Bye Bye Marcel Marceau... (Ben Heine), 10. Matthew Hits the Sauce Pretty Hard, 11. ~ Light ~, 12. The Apple Peeler

10,000 Doors

I got a great email yesterday.


It won't matter that 10,000 doors might be slammed in your face because when door number 10,001 flies open, revealing pathways of jade and gardens of love, with flowers dancing, fountains sparkling, friends blushing, moonbeams beaming, and abundance abounding, you'll completely forget about all the other doors.
Happens every day,
The Universe


It made me cry. I have been very blue lately because I have been focusing on a lot of closed doors. Doors I wish, VERY MUCH, were open, or even there, but they are not. It is getting harder and harder to put my chin up and find silver linnings when everything has that dusky coat of grey.

So to catch up and not be vague -

I did not get a teaching gig again this year. I had the opportunity to apply for one very close to our house - like 3 miles. There were many great things about it, but it didn't happen and it didn't happen in such a way that made me stumble a bit in my thinking about going for this position in the future. The older I get, the less likely it will be for me to obtain this position, and the further away I get from my experience. The further away from my experience I am, the better the next resume looks. I don't look good on paper and if I can't get in the door, I can't convince them otherwise.
I will fully accept the fact that I am also not willing to compromise some details that would help tip the scales in my favor, so I can't rent the space on the cross entirely. I am not willing to travel to a smaller district up to an hour away when I have 2 small children. I am not ready to give more to the job than I am to my family life, just because of a lousy commute - my family needs me too much right now.

Things would be different if I HAD to find a job, but I don't. I WANT to find a job.

Okay... another topic clouding up my sunny days..... being a 30 something mother and wife of a young family in their poverty years.... this just sucks. I am sure I have blogged here about this before, but oh my... it just pisses me off!!! How is it possible that a young couple who makes good money lives with their heads barely above water?!?!? I nearly lost my mind once when I overheard a conversation at my daycare. The front desk was counseling a mother new to the daycare as she signed up for her government assisted daycare. "Do I have to sign up for both morning and afternoon?" - "You might as well, they pay for both anyway..." I wanted to pass out. I pay the equivilant of a home mortgage or 4 car payments to have my children here each month and they were flippantly talking about this, because, well hey..."THEY" will pay for it.

We are fine, just fine, we get along fine, everything is fine. We survive...just....fine.....

"You didn't update your blog?!?!?"

So last night, I am on the computer checking up on some blogs and my husband comes up behind me....

You didn't update your blog?!?
Excuse me?
You just left everyone hanging.. you haven't updated your blog....
What the hell are you talking about?
You talk about Ben being sick, but you didn't tell them he is better, you didn't post Max's graduation, you aren't posting!!!
Back off!!! This is MYYYYYY journal.... I don't see you updating YOUR blogs!! One hasn't been updated since 2007 and the other since 2005....so pot, this is kettle, love the new black outfit!!!

Post

I feel all weird trying to think of something to post because it has been so long since I have posted. It is not like I do not have anything to post about, because I do, but I also feel like I could wander through the past few years of archives and just re-post past posts and voila - I am reliving history, same old story different day, slightly different characters.

I am actually boring myself. I find myself not wanting to talk to people because I do not want to hear the same crap out of my own mouth.

Biggest picture issue - there is nothing going on. I am a big picture kind of person, and I cannot find joy in the moment. I enjoy working on the big picture and right now, the big picture is terribly boring. There are small things going on and events to fill the calendar, but no masterpiece is in the works right now and I am bored. And when I am bored, I am tired.

So yeah... post..... and there you have it.

Happy Mother's day!!

Happy mother's day to all the wonderful women out there!!

I earned this one. I am currently suffering from clingy mommy syndrome. Ben is doing well, but goodness gracious we are attached at the neck. The first 4 days sucked, I mean SUCKED HARD!! He would not eat, he was not drinking. My sister and I figured out that he was pretty much surviving on 200 calories a day of fruit juice in popsicles. The very little he did eat, he threw right back up in a very horrific and painful episode that had me outwardly trying to calm him while inwardly praying novenas that he would not start bleeding because I was alone and had no clue how I was gonna handle that!

Things turned around one night when the guardian angel named Grandma showed up with a soft serve ice cream cone from dairy queen. He ate every bit of it. From there we managed to get a little more and more at each meal. He is doing great now. We still have it rough when we wake up, and we still do the turtle neck when we try to swallow, but hey, we are swallowing and I am no longer concerned that each day I get a clearer picture of the structure of his rib cage and spine.

I will say, I have greatly benefited from the clingy mommy syndrome just as much as it drives me crazy. Ben will spend lots and lots of time just wanting to be held. And not just sit in your lap held, but hug holding cradling in your neck kinda holding. Nose to nose to fall asleep kind of love. Ben has never been this much of a lover. He has always been waaayyy to busy exploring his three yr old life to snuggle with mommy, so this one on one time has been very very special.

Oh and Max... my sweet, patient, kind, Max. He is the best popsicle fetcher around. The every first day that he got home after Ben's surgery, Ben sat up in his bed and said, "Good news, Max... the new doctors... they took the gunkers out! All gone!" And Max climbed into bed with him and hugged him and asked if his throat hurt, and did he need a popsicle?

This weekend, Max has been gentleman 101.... he knows it is mother's day and he is making sure to open my door everywhere we go, and he yells at daddy if he tries to go first...."Daddy!!! Ladies first!!!!" I was outside watering my plants on Friday when he got home. He ran outside for our usual hugs and kisses and then bursting with pride he says:

"Mommy.... I am not going to tell you about the surprise mommy's day cake we got....(and then he whispers)... but I will tell you it has beautiful BLUE roses!!"

..... clearly my Max is not going to be the one keep secrets in this family.....

He's great!!!!

We are already home and he is doing great!!



Everything came back normal and fine other than enlarged tonsils and adenoids and now they are all history!

Waking up from anesthesia was awful, but when the nurse asked him if he wanted to go home, he stopped crying, nodded his head and laid it on my chest.

He is being nice and following requests, "Would you like a bite of popsicle?" Nods yes, takes a small bite then gives you this look like are you happy?!? okay, no thank you, I do not want any more!

I took these pics just now... He did smile when he opened the transformer, but it was brief. I asked him to smile for the camera (out of habit) and he shook his head no and whispered, "I'm sick."

Okay, that's all for now.... off to snuggle and watch Toy Story 2!!

I've been good... considering.

So I have only cried twice. I have teared up several times and have not slept well for several days, but I have only had 2 big cries. Once when I was checking out of the grocery store looking at all the different puddings, popsicles, juices, ice cream, apple sauce, etc. that I had on the conveyor belt and I said a little prayer hoping that he would show interest in at least some of it. And one really big cry as I was putting it all away in our kitchen and I was explaining to Mike how I had cried in the grocery store.

I gotta go try and get some sleep. I have to wake up in about 5 hrs. We check in to the hospital at 7:00 and surgery is at 9:00. All prayers for an uneventful surgery and speedy recovery will be greatly appreciated!

The below picture was taken Christmas a YEAR AGO and it shows his enlarged tonsils even then - hopefully after tomorrow we will say goodbye to all the infections, colds, and fevers that have plagued my poor child most of his life!



A funny side note:

Max was having a hard time understanding the extra attention for Ben. SO I sat him down to have a one on one conversation with him. I explained to him that Ben was getting gifts and new pajamas because Ben was sick and how after going to the hospital and waking up from his nap, his throat was really going to hurt and people felt bad so they were giving him presents to make him feel better. So then off to bed everyone went and I am laying in bed and I hear the following conversation over the baby monitor:

Max: Hey Ben... ya know when you go to the doctor's work, the hospital? Well when you wake up from your nap your throat is REALLY REALLY gonna hurt!! You are not gonna be able to eat or drink....

Me: MAAAAAXXXXXXXX!!!!! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!

So I tried the talk again. I explained to him that yes, what he was saying is true, and yes, we have talked to Ben about it, but he DOES NOT need to talk about it with Ben!! Just don't worry about it!! Catch a bubble and keep it inside, okay?!?!

Max heads back upstairs and I hear the following as he is climbing back up into his bunk bed:

Max: Hey, Ben.... I am not gonna tell you how bad it is gonna hurt.... nope, it is a secret locked up in my heart... I am NOT gonna tell you!

It is still a "GO"

So they did not cancel Ben's surgery. We are a go for Monday morning at 9 AM.

We are spending the weekend talking about what is going to happen on Monday. We have explained to him that the doctor wants to take out all the gunky stuff in his throat that makes him throw up. We have told him that we are going to the doctor's work, it's called a hospital, and that he is going to take a nap and when he wakes up from his nap his throat is going to hurt, but that means that the doctor took the gunkers out and he would be all better and stop throwing up in a couple of days.

So far he is completely okay with all of it. I think he has been poked and prodded so much the past few days, that he thinks, "How bad could it be?!?"

I was right about my concerns with Max though. One of the reasons I have delayed talking about it is because Max, Mr. Questions, goes into overdrive when he doesn't understand something. And sure enough:
Mommy, what do you mean he is going to the hospital?
How does the doctor do it?
Does it hurt?
Is he going to be okay?
Is daddy going to go, or is he going to work?
Mommy, why do I have to go to school?
Mommy, I was such a good helper, you may need me, mommy, I need to be with Ben!!

All of these questions and more came in rapid succession when we were sitting down to talk about it. Luckily, Max was talking so fast that it flew over Ben's head. I explained to Max that a hospital is for adults only unless you are sick, and since he was not the one who was sick, he couldn't come, but I promised him as soon as we got Ben home, we would come get him to make sure Ben was okay.

So.... I cannot sleep. This is worse than if it were me. I am trying to keep occupied to make the time go faster. I know everything will be fine, but, Good Lord, this is hard!

Dragging it out

So apparently we will be dragging this process out slightly longer than expected.

Ben woke up this morning with fever and chills. We headed to the pediatrician and after several hours of poking prodding and labs and tears, we have found out that we have a 22,000 white blood cell count (this is very high) of unknown origin.

Yeah

This is what you like to here walking out of the MD office... something is wrong, but we don't know what it is, here is a shot, see you tomorrow!

I called the ENT - the nurse kindly took the info and said she would call me back. I don't really need her to. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it is not smart to touch him with a 10 foot pole right now. I may be wrong, but I just don't think surgery is gonna happen Monday.

I can't even think about the scenarios wandering in my head right now...

Take her to Vegas....

So you saw the story below about the magic money tree shaking in our mail.

Well, today I was opening my email thinking, ya know, I know that high school I am trying to get an interview with is state testing all this week, but she could have at least acknowledged my email from last Friday.....DING (inbox) Thanks for your letter, We are in (state tests) this week. Will get in touch at the end of the week.

Whoa... okay....

Then I was talking with Tiffanie about a situation where I didn't know if I should bring a person into my office to talk about "XYZ" or if I should just let it go.....(knock knock knock)Listen, Becky, can I talk to you about something?

Okay.....

I am relaying all these "coincidences" to Tiffanie and she responds with:

If I were you I would say "Gee it would be really great to win the lottery" then stop at the store on my way home and pick up a lotto ticket.... you are on fire right now!

So as a "joke" I stop...I bought a quick pick and a scratch off....

I won $20 off the scratch off.


....no we didn't win the lotto, but my heart was racing just a little when I went to go check the numbers just now.....

This is not a joke.....

Honestly, people, you cannot question God.

It is not up to you to question or demand or throw a temper tantrum.

The following events happened this evening with no exaggeration.

I received a wedding invitation in the mail. It is an invitation to a wedding that I have known was happening for years. It is happening far away from here over a holiday weekend. The people getting married are like my second family and have been for almost 20 years.

I need to call them. I need to call them and tell them that there is just no way we can come. We have tried to save money for months now, but we just had to dip into that money to start paying for Ben's surgery and honestly, I cannot imagine how we are going to stretch the budget further than ramen noodles and holes in our socks to accomplish this... we just have to make the adult decision and call them and let them know we cannot come.

Flip through the rest of the mail

Open check from mortgage company... our escrow account on the new house was significantly over estimated and here is the money back.... sorry for the inconvenience.

Pack your bags, boys..... we are going to LA!!

Tell me I am not crazy....

You are not crazy.

okay thanks.... now I will stop thinking almost non-stop of the upcoming surgery that I am purposely putting my 3 yr old child through in one week.
I will stop playing the game in my head how "he is sooooo gonna hate you when he wakes up next Monday".
I will stop playing the game that I don't mind if he hates me as long as he wakes up.
I will stop replaying in my head, "it was more serious than we thought" scenarios.
I will stop remembering the pain that I felt when I was an adult having this same surgery and remember that this surgery is not as serious to small kids and they bounce back like rubber bands.
I will embrace the fact I get to snuggle with him in our bed in our own environment rather than panic at the thought that they are sending me home within hours of major surgery with a three yr old who may or may not take his medicine because I may not be able to convince him that if he swallows the pain now the pain will go away in 20 minutes.
I will not spend time thinking of all the poking and prodding and cutting and tubes that they will insert into my child and rather pretend that they are merely sprinkling fairy dust over his face and "POOF" it is done!


I will stop all that... uh, huh... yeah..... I am gonna stop all that..... right now.....

But... it is done...

I didn't get dressed this weekend....

But for the first time in several weeks the house is clean, the laundry is done and PUT AWAY! I am not trapped in a cycle of laundry piling up and only doing what we need for "the next few days".

I even managed to get in a nap today and a couple of good mornings of snuggle time.

New chores

Max and Ben power washed my car clean this afternoon.

Now all we have to do is teach them how to mow the lawn.

STAGE FRIGHT?!?!?!

I suffer from horrible stage fright. I always have…. It comes from an overwhelming feeling of being under prepared. When I am confident and prepared and know what I am doing, I have no problems… but if I even have an inkling of unpreparedness (is that a word? No – thank you spell check, but I am keeping it for creative flair) I get nauseating butterflies in my stomach. It is different from nervous energy. I can handle that. I know when I am anxious and nervous. Here, I am talking about stage fright.

I am talking about this because, once again, I am trying to get hired as a teacher and this is the time when teachers get hired. I have started the interview process with one particular school and within minutes of the first phone call, I was nauseated and dizzy. STAGE FRIGHT!!! I am unprepared for this type of interview because I am a seedling in this process. I am not prepared to be a teacher because I have never taught before. It is very difficult to present yourself as confident and self assured when in fact you are not….. and I am not supposed to be because, like sex and child birth, until you have done it, you have no clue what the hell it is about!!

I don’t have issues with content. I am confident and self assured about that. My issues of course come with the teaching and the process - which has to be learned on the job. I know I don’t know the answers and I know I am unprepared which is why I am knee knocking and wanting to throw up. And I don’t like that feeling…. I like being prepared. I like being over prepared. I like have all the cards in my hand and the ability to show and share only the ones I want. I like to be rehearsed. I like to have the dialogue in my head. I like to know the rules in and out.

The fact that I am able to even talk (write) this through is very helpful. It is helping me to shut the doors to the ugly green monsters of doubt and put perspective to the feelings that I am having… I still don’t like it… but perhaps I am getting a little more perspective here.

I (Heart) Baz Luhrmann

The Red Curtain Trilogy.... Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet, and Moulin Rouge!... all directed and conceived by the Australian director Baz Luhrmann, the great brilliant mind of Baz Luhrmann. He is like a secret crush that I have. I have loved all of these movies independently, passionately, for completely different reasons, and never knew really clued in that they came from the same mind. I love that.

Strictly Ballroom.... this was my first experience into Australian humor. This love led to future loves like Muriel's Wedding, and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There was something so pure, "committing to the joke", that I loved in this genre. I loved that the characters could be so funny, charming, vulnerable, and entertaining. There was a fell like a modern musical. The music meant something to the story not just background music meant for dramatic effect.

Romeo + Juliet ..... the first time I saw this, I said, within minutes of watching this... when I teach high school theatre, THIS is how I will introduce Shakespeare to the students. I am one of the theatre geeks who... gasp, shriek... wasn't instantly in love with Shakespeare. It was never my dream to stand on the balcony and give Juliet's speech, because, well... I didn't get it. I had never seen it. I had only been given Shakespeare on a page in an English book in high school. Well guess what...SHAKESPEARE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE READ!! He was a playwright, not a poet! Baz Luhrmann took this work, and with very little changes, made it modern and relevant. He was able to take the text and by making very specific visual/genre choices, introduce Shakespeare to an audience who may never ever have gotten the message any other way. It is quite breath taking.

Moulin Rouge!.....I saw this in New York.... several times... in the movie theater. I would sneak out of work early just to go see this. This movie made me ache to be creative again. This movie was brilliance on the screen to me. It was so different, it was so smart, it was so wonderful. It was and still is one of my favorite movies. I think of it more as a work of art than as a movie. Again - in this movie, you are taken to this fantastical place... the colors, the music, the passion, EXPLODE off the screen. From the opening sequence to the ending credits, you are never given a break.



If you haven't seen any of these, I recommend you place them on your list.... they are well worth the 2+ hours of your time......

Are you okay?

Yes, I am okay. Bekah asked me in the comments of the below post if I was okay with my baby not being a baby anymore and yes... I am. But I will say, yesterday's experience made me feel very very mature.

It was very weird being the PARENT of the student. It was very weird having the principal and the teachers come to checkout Max (and us for that matter). I all of a sudden felt like a MOM... not a mommy. I felt like I had walked into the role of a character, that I knew the lines, I knew the demeanor, but it was not me. I could not wait to get the kids to the playground at burger king and chase them and holler up the slide singing silly songs.

The other very interesting moment I had was seeing the age difference between Max and Ben very clearly for the first time in a long time. I have a very bad habit of putting those two peas in the same pod because they play so well together and well.... most if not all of my interaction with them is as a twosome. Well, when we got to the school, Max was very excited and had a lot of questions and showed great interest in everything. Ben, was shy and hid behind legs and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Max stood beside me as we navigated the lines from station to station, knowing this was for him. Ben dragged daddy outside to play on the stairs because this big school pond was way to big for such a little fish.

Another moment I do not want to forget EVER...... it was getting late, I was in the final line for the final station and there was a group of kids that was in the same area. Not really playing together, but rather, around each other. Max looked at me and asked if he could go over there... sure, baby, some of those kids are going to be your new friends, go have fun.... he runs off to run in circles with the other kids... Ben follows..... the next thing you know, I turn around and my husband has organized all these kids into a game of red light/green light. They are hanging on his every instruction and cannot wait to get their turn to be the lamp post. At one point, Mike was the lamp post and all the kids got to him at once and tackled him in uproarious laughter! Clearly my husband missed his calling to be a gym coach.....

.... my husband is a sexy fox.... did I mention that???