Friday, April 25, 2008


I suffer from horrible stage fright. I always have…. It comes from an overwhelming feeling of being under prepared. When I am confident and prepared and know what I am doing, I have no problems… but if I even have an inkling of unpreparedness (is that a word? No – thank you spell check, but I am keeping it for creative flair) I get nauseating butterflies in my stomach. It is different from nervous energy. I can handle that. I know when I am anxious and nervous. Here, I am talking about stage fright.

I am talking about this because, once again, I am trying to get hired as a teacher and this is the time when teachers get hired. I have started the interview process with one particular school and within minutes of the first phone call, I was nauseated and dizzy. STAGE FRIGHT!!! I am unprepared for this type of interview because I am a seedling in this process. I am not prepared to be a teacher because I have never taught before. It is very difficult to present yourself as confident and self assured when in fact you are not….. and I am not supposed to be because, like sex and child birth, until you have done it, you have no clue what the hell it is about!!

I don’t have issues with content. I am confident and self assured about that. My issues of course come with the teaching and the process - which has to be learned on the job. I know I don’t know the answers and I know I am unprepared which is why I am knee knocking and wanting to throw up. And I don’t like that feeling…. I like being prepared. I like being over prepared. I like have all the cards in my hand and the ability to show and share only the ones I want. I like to be rehearsed. I like to have the dialogue in my head. I like to know the rules in and out.

The fact that I am able to even talk (write) this through is very helpful. It is helping me to shut the doors to the ugly green monsters of doubt and put perspective to the feelings that I am having… I still don’t like it… but perhaps I am getting a little more perspective here.

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