Take her to Vegas....

So you saw the story below about the magic money tree shaking in our mail.

Well, today I was opening my email thinking, ya know, I know that high school I am trying to get an interview with is state testing all this week, but she could have at least acknowledged my email from last Friday.....DING (inbox) Thanks for your letter, We are in (state tests) this week. Will get in touch at the end of the week.

Whoa... okay....

Then I was talking with Tiffanie about a situation where I didn't know if I should bring a person into my office to talk about "XYZ" or if I should just let it go.....(knock knock knock)Listen, Becky, can I talk to you about something?

Okay.....

I am relaying all these "coincidences" to Tiffanie and she responds with:

If I were you I would say "Gee it would be really great to win the lottery" then stop at the store on my way home and pick up a lotto ticket.... you are on fire right now!

So as a "joke" I stop...I bought a quick pick and a scratch off....

I won $20 off the scratch off.


....no we didn't win the lotto, but my heart was racing just a little when I went to go check the numbers just now.....

This is not a joke.....

Honestly, people, you cannot question God.

It is not up to you to question or demand or throw a temper tantrum.

The following events happened this evening with no exaggeration.

I received a wedding invitation in the mail. It is an invitation to a wedding that I have known was happening for years. It is happening far away from here over a holiday weekend. The people getting married are like my second family and have been for almost 20 years.

I need to call them. I need to call them and tell them that there is just no way we can come. We have tried to save money for months now, but we just had to dip into that money to start paying for Ben's surgery and honestly, I cannot imagine how we are going to stretch the budget further than ramen noodles and holes in our socks to accomplish this... we just have to make the adult decision and call them and let them know we cannot come.

Flip through the rest of the mail

Open check from mortgage company... our escrow account on the new house was significantly over estimated and here is the money back.... sorry for the inconvenience.

Pack your bags, boys..... we are going to LA!!

Tell me I am not crazy....

You are not crazy.

okay thanks.... now I will stop thinking almost non-stop of the upcoming surgery that I am purposely putting my 3 yr old child through in one week.
I will stop playing the game in my head how "he is sooooo gonna hate you when he wakes up next Monday".
I will stop playing the game that I don't mind if he hates me as long as he wakes up.
I will stop replaying in my head, "it was more serious than we thought" scenarios.
I will stop remembering the pain that I felt when I was an adult having this same surgery and remember that this surgery is not as serious to small kids and they bounce back like rubber bands.
I will embrace the fact I get to snuggle with him in our bed in our own environment rather than panic at the thought that they are sending me home within hours of major surgery with a three yr old who may or may not take his medicine because I may not be able to convince him that if he swallows the pain now the pain will go away in 20 minutes.
I will not spend time thinking of all the poking and prodding and cutting and tubes that they will insert into my child and rather pretend that they are merely sprinkling fairy dust over his face and "POOF" it is done!


I will stop all that... uh, huh... yeah..... I am gonna stop all that..... right now.....

But... it is done...

I didn't get dressed this weekend....

But for the first time in several weeks the house is clean, the laundry is done and PUT AWAY! I am not trapped in a cycle of laundry piling up and only doing what we need for "the next few days".

I even managed to get in a nap today and a couple of good mornings of snuggle time.

New chores

Max and Ben power washed my car clean this afternoon.

Now all we have to do is teach them how to mow the lawn.

STAGE FRIGHT?!?!?!

I suffer from horrible stage fright. I always have…. It comes from an overwhelming feeling of being under prepared. When I am confident and prepared and know what I am doing, I have no problems… but if I even have an inkling of unpreparedness (is that a word? No – thank you spell check, but I am keeping it for creative flair) I get nauseating butterflies in my stomach. It is different from nervous energy. I can handle that. I know when I am anxious and nervous. Here, I am talking about stage fright.

I am talking about this because, once again, I am trying to get hired as a teacher and this is the time when teachers get hired. I have started the interview process with one particular school and within minutes of the first phone call, I was nauseated and dizzy. STAGE FRIGHT!!! I am unprepared for this type of interview because I am a seedling in this process. I am not prepared to be a teacher because I have never taught before. It is very difficult to present yourself as confident and self assured when in fact you are not….. and I am not supposed to be because, like sex and child birth, until you have done it, you have no clue what the hell it is about!!

I don’t have issues with content. I am confident and self assured about that. My issues of course come with the teaching and the process - which has to be learned on the job. I know I don’t know the answers and I know I am unprepared which is why I am knee knocking and wanting to throw up. And I don’t like that feeling…. I like being prepared. I like being over prepared. I like have all the cards in my hand and the ability to show and share only the ones I want. I like to be rehearsed. I like to have the dialogue in my head. I like to know the rules in and out.

The fact that I am able to even talk (write) this through is very helpful. It is helping me to shut the doors to the ugly green monsters of doubt and put perspective to the feelings that I am having… I still don’t like it… but perhaps I am getting a little more perspective here.

I (Heart) Baz Luhrmann

The Red Curtain Trilogy.... Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet, and Moulin Rouge!... all directed and conceived by the Australian director Baz Luhrmann, the great brilliant mind of Baz Luhrmann. He is like a secret crush that I have. I have loved all of these movies independently, passionately, for completely different reasons, and never knew really clued in that they came from the same mind. I love that.

Strictly Ballroom.... this was my first experience into Australian humor. This love led to future loves like Muriel's Wedding, and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There was something so pure, "committing to the joke", that I loved in this genre. I loved that the characters could be so funny, charming, vulnerable, and entertaining. There was a fell like a modern musical. The music meant something to the story not just background music meant for dramatic effect.

Romeo + Juliet ..... the first time I saw this, I said, within minutes of watching this... when I teach high school theatre, THIS is how I will introduce Shakespeare to the students. I am one of the theatre geeks who... gasp, shriek... wasn't instantly in love with Shakespeare. It was never my dream to stand on the balcony and give Juliet's speech, because, well... I didn't get it. I had never seen it. I had only been given Shakespeare on a page in an English book in high school. Well guess what...SHAKESPEARE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE READ!! He was a playwright, not a poet! Baz Luhrmann took this work, and with very little changes, made it modern and relevant. He was able to take the text and by making very specific visual/genre choices, introduce Shakespeare to an audience who may never ever have gotten the message any other way. It is quite breath taking.

Moulin Rouge!.....I saw this in New York.... several times... in the movie theater. I would sneak out of work early just to go see this. This movie made me ache to be creative again. This movie was brilliance on the screen to me. It was so different, it was so smart, it was so wonderful. It was and still is one of my favorite movies. I think of it more as a work of art than as a movie. Again - in this movie, you are taken to this fantastical place... the colors, the music, the passion, EXPLODE off the screen. From the opening sequence to the ending credits, you are never given a break.



If you haven't seen any of these, I recommend you place them on your list.... they are well worth the 2+ hours of your time......

Are you okay?

Yes, I am okay. Bekah asked me in the comments of the below post if I was okay with my baby not being a baby anymore and yes... I am. But I will say, yesterday's experience made me feel very very mature.

It was very weird being the PARENT of the student. It was very weird having the principal and the teachers come to checkout Max (and us for that matter). I all of a sudden felt like a MOM... not a mommy. I felt like I had walked into the role of a character, that I knew the lines, I knew the demeanor, but it was not me. I could not wait to get the kids to the playground at burger king and chase them and holler up the slide singing silly songs.

The other very interesting moment I had was seeing the age difference between Max and Ben very clearly for the first time in a long time. I have a very bad habit of putting those two peas in the same pod because they play so well together and well.... most if not all of my interaction with them is as a twosome. Well, when we got to the school, Max was very excited and had a lot of questions and showed great interest in everything. Ben, was shy and hid behind legs and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Max stood beside me as we navigated the lines from station to station, knowing this was for him. Ben dragged daddy outside to play on the stairs because this big school pond was way to big for such a little fish.

Another moment I do not want to forget EVER...... it was getting late, I was in the final line for the final station and there was a group of kids that was in the same area. Not really playing together, but rather, around each other. Max looked at me and asked if he could go over there... sure, baby, some of those kids are going to be your new friends, go have fun.... he runs off to run in circles with the other kids... Ben follows..... the next thing you know, I turn around and my husband has organized all these kids into a game of red light/green light. They are hanging on his every instruction and cannot wait to get their turn to be the lamp post. At one point, Mike was the lamp post and all the kids got to him at once and tackled him in uproarious laughter! Clearly my husband missed his calling to be a gym coach.....

.... my husband is a sexy fox.... did I mention that???

Big Day

Today I registered my Max for kindergarten....

this angel....



this love of my life....



this adorable sweetheart....




this pumpkin....




...has grown up and will be going to kindergarten in months. I just cannot believe it!

Happy Birthday, Riley!!

Baby Riley made it safe into this world at 4:27....

Ben's Baptism

So today we baptized Ben and my nephew Konner. In the Catholic religion, this usually happens right after birth, but "right after birth" we were still dealing with the death of my father and a whole lot of other family changes. After that, it was an embarrassment that they kept getting older, so I would just push it further and further to the back of my mind. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, we didn't invite anyone or have a party like we did with the others and ....well... honestly it boils down to the fact that with Ben's surgery coming up in 2 weeks, I just couldn't go into this process without a little extra assistance from above so to speak.

My mother was the Godmother and my uncle was the Godfather. We talked about to Ben so he would understand it was important to be a big boy and behave. I didn't want him to be scared and I wanted him to know this was a special day just for him - not him and Max - just for him. So much of his life has been in the shadow of Max, so I think he really enjoyed today, HE was the one all dressed up in the tie, HE was the one in all the pictures.



The Deacon brought them up the baptismal font and showed them what it was and not to be scared. At first the were a little worried, but then they got the hang of it.



When it came time for them to be baptized, they were so great. They did their part perfect with no complaints, and big smiles on their faces when the congregation applauded.




I have a long history with the Catholic religion, some good, some bad - it is kind of like family, it is a part of you. You may not agree with all of it, and you may only come around on holidays and special occasions, but it is nice to know it is there when you need it. Today we needed it, and I am glad it was there for me and my family.

Thank you Macy's

New Jeans: Originally $60 - got for $18
Cute new top: Originally $89 - got for $22
Another cute new top: Originally $56 - got for $7

Macy's Red Apple Sale: PRICELSSS.......


Just for the record, I might possibly be the cheapest person you know - I cannot buy retail. I worked in the fashion industry (product development) and witnessed first hand the concept of price points and mark-ups. Most things are marked up apprx 70%-80% when they first hit the floors. I cannot - CANNOT - buy anything that is not on sale and then on sale again.

WHY????

Why... WHY...FREAKING WHY DOES THE SHIT HIT THE FAN AT 4:45 ON FRIDAYS AROUND HERE?!?!?!?!

Happy freaking weekend people.....

Just for the record!

This morning Ben and I are snuggling in the big bed while Max is in the potty.
Ben: MAX!!!! Whatcha doin?
Max: Poopin
Ben: oooo... yucky!
Mommy: What do you mean yucky?
Ben: Poopin is yucky!
Mommy: No it's not! Everybody poops! Max poops, you poop, daddy poops, even mommy poops!
Ben: Grandma doesn't poop!
Mommy: Oh yes she does...
Ben: (very angry) No she DOESN'T!!

Probably because no one as pure as grandma could do something as yucky as that.....

You raise me up

A sweet Max story......

He is now in love with Josh Groban's "You raise me up" # 8 on the CD in the car to be exact - "Mommy push #8- you know You raise me up so I can walk on mountains and stormy seas, mommy, that one....."

So I put it on - he sings with all his heart, and I am so moved that I reach behind me with my hand out and he grabs it gently, "Mommy, you raise ME up....."

BAWL BAWL BAWL - I am bawling right now just writing it.


Oh and thanks to anonymous for the the "are you pregnant?" comment, yesterday - good laugh that I needed, but no.... I am NOT pregnant!

We need new phones

We need new phones.... everywhere.... the phones at the house do not work and our cell phones work only some of the time. We have been dragging our feet on this process because of several factors which I will list below:

- I want a 4 phone system for the house. We have digital phone service and only one line - meaning, I only have one working jack to place the "in-line" and then I want 3 other stations to place around the house. You would think this would be easy, but no. ALL 4 station phones have digital answering machines with them. I don't need a digital answering machine, and apparently you cannot just bypass the feature... this really irritates me....

- My precious husband has slowly watched the screen on his cell phone deteriorate to the point that it is just a pretty blob that resembles a sunshine. He has no idea who is calling, cannot receive texts, cannot use his address book, nothing. I do not always get calls anymore and the charge doesn't last for crap. We have gotten the letters from our current provider ATT - get a new cell phone just re-sign a contract. But I am not sure that we want to keep ATT - to be honest - who the hell has the best deals anyway. I don't have time to do this kind of research.

- I know the moment we make a decision on any of them, spend money we do not have or sign contracts - we will decide we hate it or that it doesn't work and we will be stuck with broken poor decisions for the next few years. So in other words, instead of choosing wrong, we just don't choose.

- the idea that this post makes me stressed and teary eyed is a problem - don't you think?

Why am I so tired???

I feel like I could sleep for a week..... I cannot find a schedule to save my life.

Happy 33 to Me!

Their VERY FIRST Camp Out!!

Not since Lewis and Clarke set out across the great unknown has their been so much excitement, planning, preparation, & anticipation.



A young man's first camp out is very important..pivotal, if you must, in the development of their relationship with nature. My husband - though he grew up in the hard knocks of Brooklyn - worshiped his adventures in the outdoors camping so much, that his first adult job was as a caretaker at a summer camp.



My husband has talked about taking his kids - note I am not apart of this scenario as he knows he is going to have to figure out how to get a 4-5 star hotel in tent for me to join them - anyhoo..... he has talked about taking his kids on camping trips since before they were in my womb. I knew we were around the corner from this event happening when he bought both of them sleeping bags - camping sleeping bags, not fuzzy action hero sleeping bags, but REAL sleeping bags, for their birthdays this year.

Well....today/tonight is the big event... tent, sleeping bags, hamburgers and hot dogs, flashlights and warm clothes... they are all set for the best night of their very young lives....







Even if it is only in the backyard.......
I am taking bets on what time they end up in my bed tonight......

My baby needs surgery

Yes, my sweet 3 yr old angel needs surgery and it is killing me.

Ben has always had difficulty with colds and snotty noses, and he always sounded like he has something stuck in his throat... well.... he does! As the ENT said, he has some "Texas-sized" tonsils sticking out there.

It has been an interesting journey coming to this decision. A lot of self doubt and denial, and a lot of mother's intuition and "I just gotta say it" comments from family and friends that helped to push the denial out of the way and assured me that, yes, he does have a problem, and no, I am not making a big deal out of it, and yes, we do need some intervention.

This past Fall we had a series of illnesses back to back with strep and swollen tonsils. It got to the point that Ben would wake up and bring me the tylenol and tell me he needed medicine because it hurt so bad. Even when he was well, his tonsils remained very engorged. This started me thinking.... ya know.... this is not the first time we have been down this road with him. Wait a minute, maybe the fact that he snores like a grown man isn't cute. And wait.... those throwing up episodes... HOLY CRAP!! That happens a lot. When we stopped and thought about it, Ben was throwing up - sometimes in the middle of the night - at least once a week. He knows when he gets food stuck in his enlarged tonsils, he runs to the bathroom, takes care of his business, then comes back to the table. The scariest episodes happen in the middle of the night. Luckily he has always come to enough when he started to choke when he is snoring, that he has never aspirated, but... oh, I don't even want to think about that. We even found a picture of him from the Christmas before (2006) - it was a beautiful perfect close up of nothing but his face with a wide open mouth, and sure enough, his tonsils were huge even then!

He is having surgery next month, May 5th. He was supposed to have it today, but the MD had scheduled it at a surgical center and I just did not feel comfortable having my three year old have surgery at an out patient clinic. I am already panicked at the idea that they are going to send me home with him just hours after the procedure. The doctor did not sugar coat it at all either - "No, it is pretty miserable pain, you need to give him the tylenol with codeine every 4 hours on the dot!" He also said that he doesn't have kids in the hospital for complications from the surgical site, but rather dehydration because the kids stop eating and drinking because of the pain.... now that sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I am glad we are resolving this, I am not looking forward to the event itself, and I am praying for a speedy recovery.

"Real World" turns 20

and suddenly I feel very, very old.....

This show (the original) is one of the reasons I moved to NY, which led to me finding myself, which led to me finding my husband, which led to my precious pumpkins sleeping hard in their bunk beds right now.

So thank you MTV.... and congrats on 20 years of voyeurism and ratings.

May I borrow that Soap Box?

Please feel free to skip over this entry. I promise you will not hurt my feelings. I am fully aware that I am about to stand tall on a soap box and shout to the crowd who may or may not want to hear what I have to say, but I gotta say it, and rather than ruin a lovely dinner party with my rantings, I will choose to air my thoughts out here:

THESE ARE ONLY MY OPINIONS AND EXPERIENCES BASED ON HAVING BOTH WORKED AND BEEN A PATIENT IN THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY -

1. THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY DOES NOT HAVE AUTHORITY OVER YOU
The medical industry will try very hard to create an environment of authority over you. They will try to make you feel inferior so you ask less questions and allow them to do what they need to do with as little friction as possible. They do not want you to ask too many questions because they may not have the answers and not having the answers takes away their authority.

2. ASK QUESTIONS - but be okay of you do not get the answers right away.
What I am trying to say is if the doctor speaks in medicaleeze and you do not understand what he is communicating to you, don't just shake you head because you are too scared to have the doctor think you don't understand. Say, "I don't understand, I don't follow you, what does this mean, what is the next step, what should we be looking for, what should we be worried about, what shouldn't we be worried about?" But at the same time, even thought medical technology has brought us to amazing places, the answers still are still not available immediately. There are still times when we have to wait and see.

3. ONLY YOU CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
I hate to say this, but the universe does not, in fact, revolve around us. We are not the only patients doctors have at any given time. If you are waiting for the results of a test or some bit of information that was promised to you, don't just sit around and spout off mean and angry things about your doctor and their office. Call them. "Do you have the results? When will you have them? Thank you I will call back then."

4. Your insurance EXPLANATION OF BENEFITS (EOB) is your best friend.
You know those things that you get in the mail that says the doctor/hospital charged "X" amount, it was adjusted to "Y" amount, patient owes "Z" amount? You only owe "Z" amount and do not allow nasty debt collectors to force you into paying anything more. And if "Z" amount doesn't sound right - GET ON THE PHONE - call you insurance company and ask why "Z" amount is so high!! "What is my benefit, what is covered?"

5. DO NOT ALLOW OUT OF NETWORK PROVIDERS TO RUN YOU OVER THE COALS
Have you ever noticed that when you go to the doctor and subsequently go to the hospital or get tests or whatever, there always seems to be ONE provider who is out of network - the anesthesiologist or the radiologist reading the x-ray or whatever. Something you had no previous knowledge of and no control over and now all of a sudden, you owe hundreds of dollars because they are out of network. DO NOT STOP HERE - do not just pay or allow your credit to go to crap because you couldn't possibly pay. You go back to your insurance company and you appeal. You tell them that you went to an in network provider, who then referred you to in network care/testing, and you had no choice when it came the out of network provider. They will, 9 times out of 10, reprocess the claim at an in-network rate.

6. BILLING DEPARTMENTS WILL NOT REVIEW THEIR MISTAKES - OR CORRECT THEM - WITHOUT YOU.
I know this is hard to believe, but they are not perfect. They tend to make clerical errors, but crazy thing is, they do not care. MOST billing is done all electronically, meaning, it is a series of codes that is entered into a computer, those are electronically sent to your insurance company, if the codes match, money is electronically sent to their bank accounts and POOF it is done with no human hands ever reviewing it. So here is what happens - an error occurs - the wrong code gets put into the computer, the insurance company rejects it - notifies the MD/hospital computer that it is not paid - and once a month a statement will get sent to you saying you owe them "X" amount because it is not covered by insurance. THEY DO NOT TAKE THE TIME TO REVIEW OR APPEAL UNLESS YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND BRING IT TO THEIR ATTENTION!!!!!

Oh I could go on, but I think I have bored enough of you to tears already....

My point to all of this is - EMPOWER YOURSELF - don't just sit there and be railroaded through the system. Be the squeaky wheel. But at the same time don't be the ANNOYING squeaky wheel. Know your rights.

Okay - I am done - anyone need the soap box next? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

An Undying Love

The love and devotion between my grandparents is breath taking. They are 92 and 89 and have been married for 68 years come this May.

My grandfather has been ill for several years. Dementia has slowly crept in like rising water levels, slow enough for them to manage, but to an outside person coming in to see them, they are amazed at how well they function together.

For 68 years they have been constantly by each other's side. If one was in the hospital, the other was sleeping in the chair next to the bed. Absolute devotion.

Over a week ago, my grandfather fell while getting out of the shower. My grandmother - who still bathes him even though she is 89 herself - had turned around for a moment, he lost his balance while drying off and fell. He broke 5 ribs.

Thanks to a hospital system that refuses to listen and thinks they have all the answers, they took a functioning 92 yr old man who was still able to walk, feed himself and function in day to day life with assistance and in 48 hours gave us a bed bound vegetable who couldn't do anything for himself. It wasn't until my mother and I got there and started questioning every drug that wandered in every 2 hours that we were able to plant our feet in the ground and refuse all the "help" they were giving us. No he does not need blood pressure medicine, he was not on blood pressure medicine before, it is elevated because he is in pain. No he doesn't need Alzheimer and anti-psychotic drugs, he functions just fine, you don't just drug him to drug him.

I could go on, but this is a post for another time, back to our love story.

My point is, this is the first time they have been apart for as long as they have been apart. My grandmother cannot tolerate being in the hospital for long hours at a time, and just recently has become ill from the stress. The first day we arrived at the hospital and she did not come in after us, grandpa asked for her then broke into tears of worry when we told him that she was resting because she wasn't feeling well. He was worried that no one was with her and she might fall. This poor sweet man with 5 broken ribs, a chest tube and weak as a kitten was worried to tears over his precious wife of 68 years, not even thinking of himself. They pulled the chest tube and immediately he started asking for his clothes and wanting to talk to the doctor, because he wanted to go home.

He is not going to go home, at least not anytime soon. We will be transferring him to a rehab nursing facility for awhile, and the decision may have to made that he has to stay there. No one..... absolutely no one can have that conversation with them. I know my poor grandmother is torn between her undying devotion to him and her knowledge that she cannot take care of him anymore. I don't know if the answer is them living apart, or living together with live in help, or what.

Oh, it is so beautiful and it is absolute torture all at the same time.

Not my proudest mommy moment

So I am back after a whirl wind trip to visit grandparents.... more on that later.

I am tired, I am achy from sleeping on a blow up air mattress, I am not in the mood for:

"Mommy..... can we sleep with you tonight?"
"No, baby, mommy sleeps with daddy."
"But you ALWAYS get to love on daddy and we really miss you and, mommy, PLEASE can we sleep with you tonight?"
"Baby, it is a school night and mommy is really tired...."
BIG HUGE TEARS
"Mommy.....PLEASE!!!! I REALLY REALLY NEED YOU!!!!"
"Okay... here is the deal, mommy is not going to bed right now. You both go lie in your bed. When it is time for mommy to go to sleep, I will come into your room. If you are still awake, you can come down and sleep with me."

Z-O-O-M.....off to bed they went.

I am now sitting here browsing the Internet and waiting for them to go to sleep.

IN MY DEFENSE: I am utterly exhausted and I cannot sleep with children kicking and rolling all over me all night. I promise I will make it up to them...

Off to grandmother's house I go....

Yes, little red riding hood is off to grandmother's house again. My grandfather is still in the hospital and now, after having symptoms for about 2 weeks, my grandmother admitted to my mother that she is not feeling well either. She of course didn't want to say anything because my grandfather was so sick.

.... there are generations of women in my family that back burn their issues for others. I know there is a purpose, but sometimes life just sucks, the cards dealt are not in your favor and you have to roll with the punches.

I need to get some good books on CD. I have a feeling we will be making alot of these trips in the near future.

Note to self

I have got to update the blog roll the the right.

I don't go to half of the blogs because half of them have stopped blogging.

I have about 10 more listed in the history of my search bar that I go to daily, but I am too lazy include them in the blog roll.

I probably could have completed updating my blog roll in the time it has taken me to write this blog, but since I am tired and can't find 2 sticks to rub together, I am going to just sit here and pout to all of you and write about things I could change but really just don't have the energy too.......

pout pout pout......

You are all excused now......

Only the Today Show

Only the Today show attempts to announce the reunion of the New Kids on the Block back to back with the announcement of a civil rights walk commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Martin Luther King Jr. assassination.

And only I sit there and watch it, genuinely interested in both topics.

If only we could hit the lottery.....

Truth is.... I would love to have a gaggle of children. Okay, maybe not a gaggle, but certainly a third child and maybe even a fourth. What holds us back, you ask? The fact that our mortgage and our daycare are the same. The fact that I pay the equivalent of 3 car payments a month in child care.

I know that we cannot afford to have a large family and I know that we are not willing to sacrifice and live below our means in order for me to not work and stay at home with our children.

Where is this conversation coming from??? Well, for the very first time ever I am hearing the proverbial clock ticking. I have several people my age who have recently given birth, are about to give birth, or have one coming around the bend pretty soon. Mike just turned 40. I am turning 33. Do I really want to have a teenager at my 50th birthday party??

So I find myself walking down a road of "maybes" & "what ifs" and the thoughts and ideas of our expanding family get further and further away. Baby things that are in the attic are being placed on the garage sale list. I justify it in my mind by saying, even if we had another child, I would want a different/newer version of that thing anyway so why not sell it now..... it hurts less to say that. Because I cannot tell myself, there will be no more babies. I just cannot go there.

Graduation season is approaching

So yesterday I received the flyer to order Max's cap and gown for the graduation ceremony next month. Yes, my baby is going to be graduating from pre-k and heading off to that big bad world of big boy school and kindergarten. I was explaining to him how proud I was and how I was going to cry and he very coldly stated, "Oh mommy... don't cry. I am just a big boy now!"

JUST a big boy now!?!?!?!

I am pretty sure I am going to embarrass myself grately when it comes to the ceremonial events in my children's lives. Just thinking of him in his cap and gown got me teary eyed. I can't even talk about what I am going to be like on the first day of school!!

This morning he was writing in his notebook with his pencil - MOOSE A. MOOSE.
"Do you see mommy? This is how you write Moose A. Moose's name...see... 'm-o-o-s-e...(etc)' And do you want me to write his friends name? 'Z-E-E'... see... just like that... this says both of their names."

I am not sure if it is normal to become dizzy with pride and want to pass out because your child has instantly become the smartest child alive.

The Festival of Rebekanukah

Yes, ladies and and gents.... with the arrival of the April showers, we enter the month of my birth. April - nick named Rebekanukah after my name and the Jewish festival of lights - my festival of lights this year will include 33 candles plus one to grow on. I wish I could say this was my clever idea, but no.... this named festival is merely a tip of the hat in homage to my dear friend, Todd, whose festival of Toddikah is celebrated 15 days prior to and 15 days after his day of birth in September.

In celebration of Rebekanukah, I have decided to attempt another NaBloPoMo - meaning I am going to attempt to blog every day during April. Here are some topics we have to look forward to this month:

- Well... Me... because Lord knows I like to talk about me and my endless journey to find "me"!
- The boys - Ben is having surgery, Max is graduating pre-k... oh so much to talk about!
- My grandpa, his fall, our experiences in the hospital and my soap box lectures to all of you on the importance of empowerment of the patient and caregivers in the medical industry.
- The arrival of Riley - Todd and Allison's sweet baby girl!

I am looking forward to this month and this challenge.... And no, this is not an April Fool's joke, I really really really am going to try every day!!

Speaking of April Fool's jokes:

Max: why is today april fool?
Mommy: I really don't know... but it is a day where you tell jokes and make each other laugh.
Max: Oh
Mommy: Do you want to make a joke?
Max: YES!!!!!
Mommy: Okay.... when we get home...(whisper whisper whisper whisper)
Max: (beaming and clapping his hands) okay okay okay!!!

Drive into the drive way and daddy is washing his truck - Max jumps out of the car and runs over to him

Max: Daddy, daddy...GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! I am going to be a BIG BROTHER AGAIN!!!!
Daddy: (looking at me and talking to him) What did you just say?
Max: Ha Ha!! APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!

Daddy then excused himself to change his underwear.....