A whole hand.....

My sweet baby bubalah, Max,

Please do not mind mommy silently weeping and breathing into a paper bag over here in the corner. It may appear as though she is having a panic attack at the thought of you turning "5" today, but the truth is, she is incredibly happy and proud of you.

I wish I had a long list of things to include here about how much you have changed and what a different person you have become, but you are and always will be my good ole Max. You notice everything, you remember everything, and you remind me of everything I have ever said right around the time I tend to be saying the opposite of what I originally said. You are not one to accept things the way they are, because according to you, everything can be challenged. There have been many a time when we have been caught in a game of wits, you challenging every statement I make, and I find myself uttering the age old phrase (that I swore I would never say to MY children), BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY!

You are officially left handed and this information is the 1st of many challenges you have had to face and overcome. This year you started pre-k, which is more structured and academic than you have ever experienced before. We hit some major walls in the beginning because you were having great difficulty taking what was being taught to you and translating that into your left handed reality. This combined with your ever increasing need for perfection, led to many crying nights sitting at the table working on your homework. You would get very frustrated with yourself because the letter or numbers were not perfect, so we began the first steps on the long life lesson of "It doesn't have to perfect every time, you just have to TRY every time".

Your teacher Mrs. Rosa, is one of your biggest fans. She has told us on many occasions that you are the creative story teller and engineer in her class. She said you have taught her more about "space ships" and "lasers" with your lego creations and stories of space adventures, than any child she has ever had. I know this to be true since our lego playtime is never a discovery of what we can make, but rather a carefully thought out and calculated approach to building the design in your head which I know you have been thinking about for days. One mis-placement of a red lego where a blue lego should be, has you shaking your head and telling me, " No, no, no, mommy.... not there.... THERE!!"



I am sitting on the fence as to whether or not you are going to grow up to be an engineer or a chef. You have evolved into quite a little Emeril, even requiring a towel to drape over your shoulder when cooking like daddy and that "cooker guy on TV" does. You have made scrambled eggs, toast, waffles, koolaid, soup, tuna fish... you even made your own birthday cake we are going to enjoy tonight. You have a great sense of combining things... little macaroni and cheese, little crouton crumbs, little ranch... poof... Macaroni and Cheese ala Max.



You and Ben.... oh my goodness.... you and Ben. Well.... you have created your own little world. It is a world that on very few rare occasions, Daddy and I have been invited to join, but mostly, it is a super secret special place for just the two of you. You have mastered the art of answering together in perfect unison (Boys? What are you doing?......Nothing...followed by uproarious giggles) You camp together in your tent in your room. You make up a game and Ben follows with complete abandon. Wrestling ends up in hugs and kisses, and even when you are mad at each other, in a blink of an eye, you have made up and moved on to the next game.



Oh my Max.... you have no idea how much I love your sweet adorable red head and each one of your little freckles that have started to pop up. You are gentleman who opens doors, you tell me I am beautiful when I walk into the room after getting ready, and follow it up with a wink and shot of the imaginary "gun" in your hand. You even comforted me when I was reading a book that made me cry, by coming in the room, sitting at my side and gently patted my leg, asking me to stop reading the book because you didn't like that book for making me sad. I say silent prayers every day that this magical bond we have lasts just one more day before you are too cool to be a mama's boy! I don;t ever want you to be a REAL mama's boy, but I hope that I still get a wink and a kiss when you are 30.

I love you, baby boy... I truly do.....Happy Birthday!!

Love,
Mommy

You should both be the good guys....

So last night, we were way off schedule and our bedtime ritual was severly suffering. After work we went to the store, and that pushed dinner time back which pushed bath time back... you get the drift. Well, on top of all this my tooth was throbbing, I am tired of having a throbbing tooth for 2 weeks, and I was losing my cool. As I was cleaning up the kitchen I broke on of my favorite plates, yelled at my husband to help clean it up, he came back with a swifter rather than a broom, which in my fragile state, REALLY PISSED ME OFF, and in the midst of the most ridiculous fight in our marriage, Max comes around the corner and peeks his head into the kitchen to see what the commotion was. Even though he was frustrated at me, Mike barked at Max to go get into bed. Well that pissed me off even more, so I yelled at Mike..." I am the one in the bad mood... I get to be the one in the bad mood!! I am the bad cop tonight and you have to be the good cop, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON MAX!" My husband quickly adjusted, realizing I needed some alone time with my pissiness and broken plate, and went to get the boys into bed.

This morning, again, because bedtime was later, waking up was later, so we are trying to get out of the house in a hurry. Mike barked at Max to go get his socks and shoes. Max came into my bathroom:

Mommy can I talk to you?
Yes
Daddy was being mean to me...
I don't think daddy was being mean, he was asking you to get your shoes and socks.
But he yelled at me.
Well, honey, we get frustrated when you do not follow directions the first time we give them to you.
Yeah, but 'member last night, you told daddy he had to be the good guy and you were the bad one.
(Ouch.... it sounds so much different coming out of a 5 yr old's mouth)
Uhm, yes... but.....
Well.... I think you should both be the good guys......

I almost melted into a pool of pride and shame, but instead, I stopped the crazy chicken dance as we were trying to get ready, got daddy, and we all sat in the living room and made a deal that mommy and daddy would try harder to both be the good guys and Max promised he would try harder to follow directions the first time.

They are not perfect, but they are mine

I had a conversation recently with someone who accused me of being "such an easy parent about stuff like that...". This person was revealing how much anxiety they have about their child sometimes and I never seem to have that same angst. And I thought about that for awhile. Because in some ways this person was very true, I tend to not sweat the small stuff when it comes to my children, but that doesn't mean I am not just as nervous about being a good parent as others in my generation going through similar journeys.

Truth is, I know my children aren't perfect. I know your children aren't perfect. And guess what? I love them anyway. Every child has something: too whiny, too clingy, too aggressive, too shy, too outgoing, too whatever. Everyone has a "too". You just have to balance the "too". You have to forgive the fault and embrace the whole. Now I didn't say ignore the fault, I didn't say deny the fault, I said forgive and embrace. You got whatcha got when you got it.

I wish I could give all the mothers I know a great big break. I want to give them permission to be the most amazing women I know them to be rather than spending all their energy trying to be what they think they should be. I wish they had their children's eyes for just a brief moment so they could see and feel how much love their children have for them just for being who they are.

This is new territory ladies and gentlemen. No one has ever raised children with the history we have had and the culture that we have today. This is a new chapter in an old book. We cannot compare ourselves to our parents and we will never be able to judge our children, because the rules will change when it is their turn. This is our journey and our journey alone. There are no comparables. I am not saying that we are reinventing the wheel, but we are having to learn how to use these useful tools on our cars and on our roads.

Throb, sting, bolt....

I am sitting here trying to think of what to blog about, and I can't think because of the overwhelming pain in my tooth. It has been a constant throb for about a week and half. A throb that goes into my eyes, into my sinus, into my ear, down my jaw, and down my neck. I have been to the dentist. She advised me that I need a root canal but she couldn't do it because of the shape of the nerve, blah blah blah. Here are some antibiotics. Once you have completed them, then go get a root canal. You should start to feel better in a few days... that was 5 days ago..... she was wrong....

I'm going to take about 4 Advil and hit myself in the head with a frying pan to get some relief and a nap...

Google Images of me....

This may be a long one, so please hang in there. The game is to answer the questions by googling the answer in google image and posting one of the results:

1. Age on your next birthday:
2. Place you would like to visit:
3. Favorite place:
4. Favorite object:
5. Favorite food:
6. Favorite animal:
7. Favorite color:
8. Town you were born in:
9. Town you live:
10. Past pet:
11. Past love:
12. Best friend's nickname (2 for me):

13. Screen name or nickname:
14. First name:
15. Middle name:
16. Last name:
17. Bad habit:
18. First job:
19. Grandmother's name:
20. College Major:

OUCH!

Do you see that face? That face belongs to my adorable nephew Konner. He had a fight with the playground and the playground won.

Apparently he fell on the play ground, with not a lot of fanfare. Karen was out on Wednesday night, so her husband had picked him up from school and put them to bed long before she got home. He warned her about the fall and that he would probably have a good shiner the next morning...well......

...THAT sweet adorable face came down to my sister yesterday and then spent the day in the ER. They were concerned because the swelling was so bad that his nasal passage was blocked and the bones near his eye socket were broken. After many consults, everyone agreed, he is three and it will heal itself, no need to traumatize him with surgery, thank goodness!

I think she should schedule the family Christmas picture soon, whaddya you think!

HE IS HERE!!!!

My best friend, Tiff, is punctual if nothing......

I called my dear friend last night on the drive home from work to get an update on Baby Watch 2007. Nothing was going on. They were just wrapping up dinner at a resturaunt and were headed home.... misery in her voice she concedes, "I am probably going to be pregnant for 2 more weeks!" I head home, dinner with the family myself, and fall asleep while watching TV.

Then I get a call at 9:30 (my time) from a very perky Tiff and I am thinking they are heading to the hospital to have their baby..... no... she said... "honey... did you not get the texts, the pic? The baby is here... we are done!" I screamed, (waking up my children) HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????? I just talked to you on my drive home from work and it was nothing!!

Well.... (in her time):

7ish, they get home from dinner sitting on the couch, ouch, that was a good contraction, I'm going to go take a shower... that will surely make all this stop.

7:45 ish, can't get out of the shower alone, contractions one on top of each other, her husband and her mom help her get out and dressed.

8:00 ish they rush to the hospital, go in the ER, rushed up to labor and delivery, she informs them she has to push.

No time for epidural!

9:10 Baby is here!!

Baby BOY!!

Born on his due date!! I laughed so hard when I realized it! This child is so Tiff...."Did the paperwork not say Nov 7th? Am I wrong? I am here on Nov. 7th!"

I am so very happy for them, I could just explode!

Forgive me, Ladies, for I have sinned.....

I come to the council of women (and yes I know there are a few men who wander here, too, but you guys are just going to laugh and tell me to get over it), to confess my sin... one of the cardinal sins in the "woman to woman sins", second only to dating an "ex".

So I am in the elevator by myself when a lovely young lady walks on. She pushes her floor and sighs dramatically followed with, "Oh I am so tired!" I sympathetically look towards her and reply, "I know..... I hear you.....when are you due? " She drops her head and smiles the most delicate smile, " I had the baby 6 weeks ago!"
At this point I am hoping that there really is a way to disapparate like in all those Harry Potter books, but I couldn't find a port key, so I was resgined to beg for forgiveness from this adorable young lady. I grab her, a total stranger to me, by the shoulders and look her dead in the eyes:
I AM SO SORRY!
No, don't be, I know I still look pregnant!
It doesn't matter... I AM SO SORRY!!
It's my own fault, I refuse to wear anything but my maternity clothes! (she was in one of those empire waist, boob basket, v-neck, top with excess fabric to allow
spread as the baby grows and I swear, she had a perfect round belly)
LISTEN! I am a plus size woman, and I have had 2 kids.... 9 months on... 9 months off!! I am so sorry.

We laughed together, smiled and went on our way.

He looks good

So my husband has not been feeling well for awhile, way over a month, I would say. It kind of escalated to a point where we couldn't ignore it anymore and we took him to the MD yesterday. I had made the appointment last week, hoping that the situation would correct itself in time to cancel the appointment, but no such luck.

The doctor was wonderful. He was so comfortable that we might as well have been talking over beers and trouble shooting the cares of the world. He was definitely attentive and staight forward, but his bedside manner was phenomenal. I have to say it is a rare thing in the medical industry to find a doctor who can comfort and care at the same time. So many times, the requirement to care for the patient requires the physician to remove themselves from the situation so much so that the patient is merely a collection of blood, tissue, and bones,and all they care about is how they connect and why they are not connecting properly this time. But not this doctor, so I am pleased, but I am digressing, so back to the point.

The appointment went as I thought it would: nice to meet you, what's been going on, let's schedule some tests. What I did not expect was to have my husband get off the scale and tell me he has lost over 20 lbs in 2 months with no dietary changes. I knew he had lost weight, but that amount was shocking to me. Mike thought my restricting his diet last week really worked, until I explained to him that weight loss like that is only normal for people who are trying to lose weight like that, not normal people who ate soup and waffles for 4 days!

I went to dinner with my friend, Allison, after the appointment, and she asked me how it was that I was so calm about this. Then this morning as I was talking to my mom, I asked her the same question, why am I so calm about this? Should I not be? And I realized that there is a great deal of shut down and denial right now. I have known there was a problem for years, but it has always managed to correct itself. I knew that eventually we would probably walk down this road, and "eventually" has arrived. Mike's familial history does not lend itself to marathons and granola trails, so I guess I am surprised a wake up call hasn't come sooner than this.

For the first time in a very long time, I am not sure if what I am feeling is a peace about the situation, or a chosen lock to a pandora's box that I am not prepared to open.

The Dancing Girl

So this has to be one of the craziest things I have seen in a while. It is called The Dancing Girl and it is a way to tell if you are left brained or right brained. I do not want to bias your experience, so click the link and go for yourself before reading the rest of my blog to tell you about my experience with it.

Go ahead... I will wait....

Here it is again for those of you who don't want to go back: The Dancing Girl


Anyhoo..... so I go to this and my husband just so happens to be sitting behind me, so he looks too. Immediately, we both say, she is heading clockwise. I had read the comments on another persons blog who said that she changed directions, so we watched for awhile. I commented to Mike, I could not possibly imagine how someone could perceive her as going anything but clockwise. In the other blog, someone mentioned that she read the description of what left brain and right brain meant and when she went back to focusing on the girl, she had changed directions. So I told him, do NOT look away, I am going to go read the text and then come back, you keep watching her.

So I read the description, and turned my attention back to the girl and she stopped, like a blip on the screen and started heading counter clockwise. I mentioned it to Mike..
Ahhhh... there it is.... she changed direction!!!
No she didn't she is still going clockwise.
No she isn't!! Her foot is clearly going the other way!!
Babe, I have been staring at her the whole time, and she hasn't changed direction!
(I turn around to look at him like he is crazy, and when I turn back to the screen, she is going clockwise again)
Oh my gosh... now she is back to closkwise!!
She has always been clockwise!!
No she hasn't, she changes!!

And at this point, I swear, the dancing girl mocked me and started swaying her foot back and forth in front of her like she couldn't decide which direction to turn. Almost like she was teasing me, "You are left brain, no, you are right brain, no you are left brain, just joking, right brain!!" I actually got a little dizzy. I looked away from the screen awhile, and then went back to her and again, she was a steady clockwise direction. Mike tried the trick where I watched and he read the description and came back, but she never changed for him. He even tried to change his perspective and he couldn't make her change.

Too freaking cool...

UPDATE:

Here is a link to an article that a friend sent me about this dancing chica . I still think it is is fun though!

"So what does the spinning dancer tell us? The whole test is more of an
optical illusion than anything else, according to Steven Novella, an
academic clinical neurologist at Yale University School of Medicine who
blogs on NeuroLogica. When our brains process visual images to make some
order or sense of the world, they have to make assumptions. The dancer
is just a two dimensional image switching back and forth, but ourbrains
process it as a three dimensional spinning object.

Depending on the assumptions made and visual cues picked up, your brain
can make the dancer spin either way. When my friend first sent the test
to me, I saw it go clockwise...then switch to counterclockwise as I was
staring at the screen. What this tells me about my personality and
mental abilities is hardly a no-brainer - the brain test connection to
our mental strengths and weaknesses is nonexistent."

I WILL find my house today

Do you hear that people???? I will find my house today!! I will do the laundry, fold it, and PUT IT AWAY! I will pick up the things that do not belong and put them were they do belong. I will clean my bathrooms and mop my floors! I might even dust!

Do you hear me?!?!?! I will.... as soon as I get off this computer.....

With 2 yr olds, pick your battles

Ben: Mommy... you do dis for me? (presenting me with a broken toy)
Mommy: Baby, it doesn't work, you broke it when you put the wrong ball in there.
Ben: No issss not
Mommy: Yes it is
Ben: No
Mommy: Yes
Ben: No
Mommy: Yes
Ben: No
Mommy: Yes
Ben: No
Mommy: Yes (Now I am just playing to see who will break first)
Ben: No
Mommy: Yes
Ben: No
Mommy: (Giving in) Do you see this ball... it will not come out, so the toy is broken
Ben: It will come out (struggles, trying to get ball out) HEY, Mommy, why you put dat ball in dere... now is broken!!!!

He walks off in a huff with broken toy....

The Grand Haul

So Halloween night I picked the kids up from school and headed home. They had that low frequency sugar/excitement buzz radiating about an inch off their skin. It was already dusk, and when we drove through a neighborhood, Max nearly flipped out when he saw kids out on the street, "Halloween, has already started!! Hurry mommy!!!" I assured him that there was plenty of time and that there would be plenty of candy for him and his brother. We pull into the drive way and I barely put the car into park before he has flown out of the car headed inside to get his candy bag. He is shaking and jumping with anticipation when I burst his proverbial bubble with the information that he has to eat dinner first. Heaven help the child who has to EAT something other than CANDY on Halloween. I inform him he must eat either a peanut butter and jelly or tuna fish sandwich..... in a panic he negotiates down to "just bread and butter" (toast). During this time, our first trick or treater arrives and he greets this young ninja ( a stanger to us ) with " I'm eating my dinner first, but then I get to come, too!"

I have to say Halloween night was not as big a hit at the new house as it was at the old house . I was very reserved with the first few trick or treaters, thinking I wouldn't have enough supplies to make it through the evening. When we only had a few by 8:00, the remaining trick or treaters were treated with handfuls of blow pops and tootsie rolls just to get it out of my house.

Then my little Darth Vader and Storm Trooper made it back with their haul. And apparenlty my neighbors were just as desperate to get the candy out of their house as I was, because the boys were dragging their bags. They had only gone around one block, and I think they thought they were just stopping to empty their bags and head out again, but it was late and I was not going to allow any more chocolate to enter my house. I was the evil wicked witch of motherhood when I only allowed them one piece of candy each before they had to head to the shower. After much crying and whining, we negotiated a shower in complete darkness with nothing but their glow stick necklaces, and well... who can turn down a shower in complete darkness with nothing but glow stick necklaces.

Now.... what to do with all the candy... we still have a bucket of candy from last year.....

NaBloPoMo... or 30 days of me.....

Because I am always one to accept a challenge, I decided to participate in NaBloPoMo this year. It is a blog challenge were all you have to do is post every day in the month of November. You got it people. 30 straight days of my random, hopefully insightful thoughts, dreams, wishes, issues, and angsts displayed here for all of you to read.

I was a little overwhelmed trying to think of what I was going to write today. Should I write about the kids? Maybe I should just bullet things I would like to write about over the next 30 days? And then I thought... get over yourself.... because this is for you.... this is not the New York Times or the Daily News... this is your storage bin for stories you want to remember, issues you want to get off your chest, things you need help processing to move on, or just random thoughts in your head that just need to get out.

I have to admit, part of this is very selfish because I am about to lose my daily source of communication and stress relief. Tiffanie, one of my oldest, dearest, and bestest friends in the world is about to have her 2nd bundle of joy any day now, which means our daily email conversations will cease until she returns from maternity leave. I have come to rely on the conversations as the only way to make it through the day, sometimes. Well since she has to go and be happy making her wonderful family even more wonderful, YOU PEOPLE are just going to have to hear me talk, whine, complain, gush, and emote... at least for the next 30 days.

I am also excited to see some favortie bloggers accepting the challenge as well, like this lovely lady at "The Most Wild Thing of All" and The Princess . I've missed reading up on everyones lives and I look forward to finding some new blogs to read in this process.

Now, come Dec 1st, I may not want to come anywhere near this blog... we will see.....

May the Force be with you this Halloween!

Is it just me or does my Darth Vader look like Rick Moranis in Space Balls?

Anyhoo, usually Halloween is a very big deal around our house. Lots of decorations and spookiness are added to the decor of our house, but for some reason, we never got our act together this year. There was always something else to do or we just didn't have the energy to drag all the decorations down and think of how/where to place them in the new house.

The halloween costumes were quite the ordeal. A month ago, we were all about Max being a pilot, Ben being Super Man. When we got to Walmart last week, they had no pilot for Max and Ben turned into Spiderman. Well, we then moved to party city where Max begged to be Optimus Prime (Transformer), so much so, that he left and went to the counter to tell the nice lady to get the costume for him. Well, the costume was $40.00 and I don't care how much we like Halloween at our house, I am NOT paying $40 for a 4 yr olds halloween costume. Then the waves parted and Ben saw Darth Vader.... since Ben was Darth Vader, then Max decided he wanted to be a Storm Trooper. The first time Ben put on his Darth Vader mask he started breathing the Darth Vader voice, "Krsch, kah" and said, " I am your fahdah!" I nearly fell over.

Moonlight in Vermont

So, we are back. We got back last week, but to be honest, it was a tough trip and I am not sure that we have recovered yet. It was a very difficult trip in that it was sudden, it was far, and it had a lot of ups and downs. As you can see from the pics I have included here, we were in Vermont at the most beautiful time of year. We flew into Hartford, CT and drove 2 hours through Massachusetts and then up to Vermont. The views up and down the mountains were truly breath taking. Mike and I talked the entire way there. We didn't even turn the radio on. We joked about how this was our first date this year.


Mike's mom had passed away before we ever left home. I was worried that this was going to bother him, but it didn't. Unfortunately, we have been around a few situations were the people were in commas or unconscious (clearly gone to a better place even though the body was still here) and I think he knew that his mother was already gone. There were several times when in my dramatic flare, I was ready to race him to the airport and throw him on the next flight up there to be at her side, but I think he took the more reserved approach. I think he needed to mentally prepare himself for this very final chapter. I think he was anxious to see certain members of his family that he had not seen in a very long time, but in the end, it was wonderful to see all of them. Even though it was a sad event, there was a very good feeling surrounding it.



So I think I need to clarify some things for those of you who perhaps come here often and read the goings on in my life.... in particular, the post about "the darkness". No one commented here, but I got several comments in real life and I think I need to clarify the emotional stream of consciousness.

I have to be vague, because, well, I have to. But, let me say that... I AM NOT ON ANY LEDGES OR LOOKING FOR AN EXCESS OF PILLS TO END MY MISERY. To be honest, I am not in any misery. What I was trying to say, which apparently got lost in the translation, was I am very tired of running into the burning building trying to save people then getting burned in the end. This is a pattern that repeats itself in my life and I am so very very tired of it. I am tired of being the "go to person", then being yelled at for knowing too much information. Don't scream at me, "Who asked you?" when in fact it was you who asked. Don't ask me to fix it things then get mad if it is done my way and in my time... I am tired of having too many lists and my priorities are not on any of them.

Case in point: I was going to go to work last week after we got home, and I was dressed, dropped the kids at school and when I got in the car, I just lost it. I just cried and cried and cried. It was the first silence I had heard in a long time and my emotional tank was empty. I called my mother, dripping in guilt, and said, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't make it into the office. I could not handle calls from pissed off nurses, patients, or staff members. I went home with plans to do laundry and clean my house and do laundry and I couldn't find the energy to do any of it. I had allowed myself to bring my energy level down to below empty.

Oh, there is so much more to get into but I am rambling and editing and rambling and editing, so it is time to end it for now.

But I promise... for those of you out there that were worried... I am fine... well... I am going to be fine, I just need some time.

Goodbyes

Call it premonition. Call it lousy timing... Call it what you will but the darkness just shifted and was given a name.

This morning after 3 rapid phone calls in succession on my cell phone, I finally get to it and answer it to find my husband very upset. His mother was found unresponsive at her assisted living facility and was currently being rushed to the ER. Turns out she had a massive stoke in the night some time, aspirated, and currently has massive bleeding in the brain. She is in a small town and the only options were to try to transfer her 2 hours to a major city and try a risky surgery that more than likely would not work, or just make her comfortable. My sister-in-law made the bravest and most difficult decision to go with the latter. It is unlikey she will make it for long as they have not intubated her and the active bleed is continuing to cause major pressure which will eventually lead to... well....

Mike and I will be leaving first thing in the morning. It is the first time he has seen his family in 5-6 years... some even longer. He is doing really well. We all knew it was going to be this way eventually, we are just really mad we were right. We were hoping this woman, who is way too young to be dealing with the health issues that she did, would magically turn around and change her life, but sadly, that is not the ending of this story.

I ache for my husband. I ache for the fact that he has lost both of his parents.. in almost mirror situations.... before he has turned 40. I ache for my sister-in-law who for way too long has had way too much on her plate with the responsibility and care of her mother. I ache for my brother-in-law who has the biggest heart and held the treasured position as his mother's beloved baby of the family.

I gotta go pack... this is going to be a long weekend.

I miss this

I miss this... I miss coming here more often and dribble drabble and thinking things through and being pissy and being happy and telling funny things that happened on the way to being a family.

It has been very dark lately. Very very dark. I wish I had an evil source that I could point my finger to and say, "it's all because of YOU" but the only common source in it all is me...and who wants to point a finger at themselves and call them evil. I surely don't. I know I am not evil.... I have evil thoughts, but .. oh that's a different post.

The darkness.. back to the darkness. I have tried to dress it up, ignore it, embrace it, face it.. but the thing about darkness is that it surrounds you and makes you lose your bearings. It is hard to feel stable when you can't see anything around you. And it just makes you want to sleep, or make things up. Because when you can't see things, you think you can see things that aren't really there.

I thought maybe the darkness was coming as part of the whole dealing with dad's death thing. I signed the family up to walk in a charity Light the Night walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This has required me to bring up dad, write about dad, find pics of him and email friends and family about him and ask for their help to honor him. Okay.. maybe this contributes... but no... not really... at least not all of it....

I am not doing what I wanted to be doing, okay fine, get over it.
I am in that part of young family life where sacrifices have to be made for the better good... okay fine.. this too shall pass.
I don't want to talk about it.. then shut up.

I told my mother the other day, I was at this point that I looked around at the world around me, and other than warning people not to run with scissors, I just don't give a damn what you do. I have no interest in fighting you anymore. I have no interest in policing the activities that you do. I have no interest in correcting you or listening to you. You have no consideration for me and you have no intention of ever changing your ways, and I am tired... I AM TIRED... of confrontation... so I give up. I give you the rope... go hang yourself. I do not wish to play this game anymore, so I am putting down my ball and glove and walking off the field. Good luck to you all, but ... me... I am done.

Maybe this is a mourning that you can't blame on a death that goes into the ground in a pretty box. Maybe this is a mourning of a person I have played for 32 years and she really is dead, and I have to mourn that fighting spirit, that passionate bull headed person who won every debate and saved all the world's problems but her own. Because she... well.. she has left the building.

Thank You, Fall.....

Thank you for finally getting here. I tolerate the rest of the year just to enjoy these blessed months from October through December. The colors, the weather, the excuse to decorate, cook, make plans. It helps that I decorate my house in these colors year round, so when this time of year comes, it just feels right. I start to get excited around the time school starts because I know you are almost here!

I got a great head start to ideas for your arrival last weekend. My sister and I kidnapped my mother for a surprise trip to the hill country for her 60th birthday. The leaves were not turning, but all the shops we toured on the adorable main street were all decked out and gorgeous in the rich hues I long for this time of year. We stayed in the most wonderful 100 yr old house right off of main street. It was so perfect. The weather was amazing. The food was great, we even hit a couple of wineries. It could not have been more perfect. Mom was so surprised, it took her a while to absorb it all.

I am pretty sure you are gonna kill my husband though.... the leaves... which are beautiful... have already started to fall in our backyard....in our pool....lots of them! This is our first experience with you, Fall, and our new backyard/pool. We have a beautiful tree that has these itty bitty yellow blooms that apparently only bloom in Fall and they are gorgeous... they blanket the pool...which from an outside observer (me), it is quite breathtaking, but for the new cabana boy (my husband), it is cause for some very creative expletives.

It is now time to get out the Halloween decorations, buy the boys costumes, consider birthday party plans for the boys, look forward to the arrival of a new baby (Tiff's baby - not me this year), and think about how I am going to decorate the new house for Christmas!!

And a happy blogoversary to me.... happily (and sometimes not so happily) blah blah blahging since 2004.

Woo Hoo!!!... FALL!!!!... love it!!!!... love it!!!!....LOVE IT!!!!

Attack of the Alpha Mom

So as I am entering daycare today, I see a woman asking the girl at the front when a good time to contact the director would be.... after some face twisting in "I have no clue what time is better than another" the exhasperated mother sighs and says, "Oh never mind, I am going to leave my number and please have her call me....."

I take the kids to their rooms, kisses goodbye and I am off to start my day.

In the parking lot, I see the woman starting to back up, stop her car, return to her parking space and say:

"Excuse me!!!!" as she is exiting her car...."You are Max's mom, right?"

(Goodness gracious, how do these parents know my kid and that I belong to them... I need to be more attentive!)

"Listen... I just want to get your opinion on something... what is your feeling on the homework issue?"

"Uhm, well... I can't say that I am happy with 5 sheets a night, because sometimes it can be a little overwhelming, but generally, if he didn't complete his work or if there is something he needs extra assistance with, well I am okay with it."

"Well, my son is in the class below Max and they JUST informed me that they are doing away with homework, AND I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT!"

(wait... the class beneath Max? That means he is 3 turning 4)

"I mean at this age the children are sponges and they need to be taught the discipline so that they are used to it.. I am just not okay with this and I have asked the director to call me...I am NOT happy...."

( Oh my... you have your child on some pre-qualifying list for Harvard, don't you?)

"I hear what you are saying, I mean... I know I could go get some workbooks to work with him alone at home (sarcastic jab of, if you want your kids to be an overachiever at 3, get your own worksheets), but I guess it is nice to have them send home the same type of sheets that they are working with in class so there is a universal language ( subtle clean up for previous sarcastic jab)"

"Well, I just wanted to see what your opinion is" (which I heard to say, " I am looking for people to camp out on my side of the protest before I speak with the director.")

"No problem!" (which was delivered to be heard as "Sorry, Lady, you are barking up the wrong tree!")

Adventures in Potty Training: Day One

My sweet angel Benjamin.... it is time... this is the last 3 day weekend opportunity we are going to have for a while, so Daddy and I decided, we are tired of buying pull up diapers..... (see previous budget meltdown)...... this weekend, it is all about pee pee and poo poo in the potty.

It starts early in the week, casual conversation around the dinner table, "Ben is getting to be such a big boy, don't you think, Daddy?... Hey Max, would you be willing to help us teach Ben how to pee pee in the potty like a big boy just like you?" Max has decided he is the trainer, I am the underwear changer, and daddy will be the accident cleaner...(God, I love that child!)... but I digress.... the seeds are being planted, Ben lights up because he is the center of attention.

The casual conversation continues in the car to and from school,
Me: "So.... big weekend, huh?"
Max: "Yep, big weekend, pee pee in the potty like me..."
Ben: "I pee pee in the pahhhty!"

Friday night, we go to dinner with family and the conversation surrounds Ben, "Ben, I hear you are gonna pee pee in the potty this weekend!" says Aunt Karen, followed by my announcement, "Yep, after this we are going to the store to pick out our big boy underwear!" Ben can hardly contain himself with all the excitement, so he honors us with a PRE "pee pee in potty" party present of going pee pee in the restroom at the resturaunt.... he requested 4 trips the the bathroom to accomplish this feat, but it happened!

We head to Walmart to pick our new big boy underwear and choose Thomas the Train, Spiderman, and Diego (and mommy grabbed a basic white value pack as our back up). He is so excited he pulls them off the shelf himself and one by one puts them into the cart.

9:30 - This morning we wake up (luxuriously late, so, thank you boys) and it is time to get dressed. He bolts to the kitchen where his underwear is still in the bag and we begin to pull out all the underwear and look at them to decide which is going to be the glorious winner to grace my sweet baby bears little toosh for the very first time. It was a tough call between Thomas and Spiderman, but with the urging of his brother, Ben chose Spiderman. Of course mommy gets pictures because there is nothing more adorable than a 2 1/2 yr old in tighty whities with cartoon characters.

9:38 - we decide our brother pushed us a little too hard and we REALLY wanted to start this journey with Thomas the train... it is our middle name after all!

9:45 - we discover the first pit falls of big boy underwear as we try to flash gordon our heiney bump down the stairs. About 4 stairs into our bump, bump, bump down we realize.... hey...wait.... there is no cushion here.... we delicatly rub our toosh, and decide to stand and walk down the stairs.

10:00 - no pee pee

10:30 - no pee pee

11:00 - no pee pee

11:15 - jumping on the trampoline, we have our first accident - THAT'S OKAY....good try, let's get some clean clothes on... next time....

11:45 - standing right in front of me, no warning, puddles..... Boo Boo, you gotta pee pee in the potty.. just tell me and we will hurry!

12:30 - no pee pee

1:00 - WHAM...... upstairs door slams.....Oh crap..he is taking a CRAP! I know that I gotta hide in a room by myself to poop trick.... RUN upstairs to find him in the corner, hands over his eyes, deed done. Oh pumpkin, it's okay, this is hard, and we are going to learn, but you gotta tell mommy and dadddy, you don't want this yucky stuff on you, let's put it in the potty.

1:00-4:30 nothing.....nothing but a desperate child who desperately wants some of the m&m's that are sitting on the window ledge mocking him..."Candy, pleeeeeeze, mommy!!!" .... "No baby, you gotta get that pee pee in the potty!"

5:00 - Mommy... I gotta potty.....
Hurry... hurry..let's go....
Sitting on the potty, hand cupping his ear to make sure he can hear it... tinkle, tinkle, tinkle into the water!!!!
BIG BOY PEE PEE'S IN THE POTTY AND GET'S HIS JUST REWARD - M&Ms !!!!

7:00 - Hold onto your shorts, folks..... I come around the corner to a freaked child with no pants on pointing to the alien things in the potty and questioningly announcing, "Mommy, I poop in the potty?!?!?" I come to the potty and what do I see.....POO POO IN THE POTTY!!!!!!!! Two glorious perfect little poops in the potty!! I SCREAM in excitement and realize I have scared the bejezuz out of my child who is standing there not understanding what the hell just came out of his heiney or, if in fact, something just crawled up the toilet while he was sitting on it! I calm myself but still remain very enthusiastic, smiling, hugging, and high-fiving the newest big boy in the house!
What does he ask as a reward for this achievement?
Pizza
Guess who is ringing our door bell right now.......

8:00 ah crap (changing pee pee pants) it's only the first day..... baby steps, baby steps... no let be rephrase that... big boy steps, big boy steps.....

7:50 AM

Max throws up in car.

Will not be in the office today.

Mad rush to clean vomit out of car before hot summer day wins the battle and destroys my car.

Is there such a thing as too much Febreeze?

Thy will be done

So through an interesting "one thing lead to another"... I came across the blog of the person who received the teaching position that I interviewed for earlier this summer. It started when I received an email from the HR dept of the district that I had applied for asking if I was still available to teach. I am sure it was a blanket email sent to everyone who had applied so that they can clean out their system. Then I drove past the high school near me that was welcoming the new principal to the school who just happened to be the associate principal that I had interiewed with at the OTHER high school. I went online to confirm the information and then my curious cat nature had me nosing around to find the name of the person who did get the postion, which I did, then I googled the name (which I always do) and found his blog instantly.... silly on his behalf because if I found it, so could his students and his students' parents, but hey, not my problem.

Any hoo... what struck me as interesting in the big picture of things was.... he didn't want the job. What he was really hoping for was to be accepted for a 3 yr MFA program at a prestigious college. In his blog he said he and his wife, "...gave it to God.. and whatever God wanted... so be it...." Well, he didn't get in. He got this teaching job instead...."which I guess is okay...I mean, it's a new school and I would be the head of the department..."

Wow..... this is just so amazing to me. It is just so amazing to me that - even though I believe we have the ultimate choice to accept his calling - God really is constantly hovering above, moving the chess pieces exactly where He needs them, when He needs them, for the greatest good.

My favorite Rolling Stones Song and personal mantra:

"You can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes, you just might find... you get what you need...."

I am pissed.....

I am pissed to the point of tears.
I am angry because I am internally humiliated.
I am upset because something that may seem so small and trivial to someone else can literlly cause an avalanche of reactions in my little insignficant world.

An eye doctor's appointment. A harmless eye fucking doctor's appointment. If it was not for the fact that I HAVE to get new contacts becasue the disposable ones that are in my eyes are so blurry I have headaches and easily 3 months old. I would just get contacts, but I am not allowed to per the government, I have to have an appointment.
I know that even 10 off of our budget can cause hundreds in overdraft protection fees, so I call ahead to my insurance company - WHAT DO YOU COVER....WHO IS IN NETWORK.... I call the in network provider who happens to be someone I went to years ago and my mother and sister have gone to for years....MY INSURANCE SAYS YOU ARE IN-NETWORK, ARE YOU?....yes..... DO YOU FILE OR DO I HAVE TO FILE?....we will file.... SO ALL THAT WILL BE COLLECTED IS MY CO-PAYS?.....yes.....

Get to the appointment...happy happy happy.... how's mom? how's sis? yadda yadda what's the problem? here's the solution.... we will put you in these.... same cost as what you were in before.... try these on....take all of these.....

That will be $284.00 if you order a years worth today......
What...(studder) uhm, well... let me just try these and then I will call.....
Oh... those are not samples.. those are the first of the order.....
Oh, uhm, well..... okay.....
But you can return them if you don't like them and want to try something else...
Oh, great ...okay.... (damnit Becky say something, you fucking idiot, tell them to take their damn contacts and shove it)...can I just pay for the exam right now?
SURE!... That's $58.00.....
$58.00... wait... I only have a $15 copay.....
Yes ma'm but that doesn't cover the $43.00 contact lense fitting fee.....
(coldly looking down at the counter because I am embarrassed that the entire store and all the associates can hear me stammering about money) I would have appreciated to have known this BEFORE now.....
Oh, I am sorry... I can take it out of the $150 allowance you are given for your contacts....
No....

At this point I want to start crying because I am so pissed but I am so exposed in an environment surrounded by people who cannot understand how $43.00 absolutely ruins me... how I feel like I have been had but I have lost my voice because I don't want to make a scene and I don't want to make it uncomfortable for my mother and sister who have gone there for over 10 yrs.

I walk out the door and I am so upset I can't hink clearly. I am panicking thinking where am I going to come up with $200.00. It takes me an hour to calm down to start thinking - call the office manager, make a complaint, return the contacts, get your prescription (which by the way I was not given) and go somewhere else.

My first Interview....

Well.. close to it... actually no, not my first interview now that I think of it, but my first blog interview... anyhoo.... Becky - not me - another Becky Blogger (April Fool) - offered to ask interview questions to readers on her blog after she answered some interview questions on hers, so here were my questions:


1. You were in NYC for 9/11, how do you think that being there affected you differently than from the rest of us that watched it on TV. Has it made you more scared, more concerned about security, etc?
This is hard, because I do not want to lessen any one's feeling towards that day because I know it was hard on everyone - but truth be told - I am not sure how anyone who was not there could possibly understand what it feels like. I guess it is very similar to people who have experienced the death of a loved one and being approached by someone saying how sad they were when good friend's dad died. You kind of shake your head, accept there good thoughts/intentions, and realize that they didn't know what they said because there is no way they could know what they said. Now having said that - I cannot even claim the amount of fear and grief as those that were in those buildings or lost loved ones who were. I will say I have never felt terror more than that day and the days that followed.

But at the same time - this along with other life altering events like our house fire when I was in college or the death of my father, has brought a peace of this too shall pass. I do not fear my own death, in a fight or flight situation, I know that I am a fighter, and I know that no amount or diplomacy and no amount of guns can protect me from people who have decided that my safety and my life and the life of my family are not as precious as their beliefs. I know we will be attacked again, I pray that I will be with my children and family, and I am always thinking of disaster plans of how I am going to get to my children in the event that something as large scale as 9-11 happens near me. I ask my daycare what their disaster plans are even though they shake their heads at me.


2. Since you recently applied for a theatre teaching position, what would be the only play or musical that you'd want to direct?
Ahhhh.... very difficult one... there is no ONE play/musical that stands out. I have a list of several that I have my own vision of. One thing that I have struggled with in my journey of "to teach or not to teach" has been that most of my interests tend to fall on the more controversial side of the art, "Rent", "Angels in America", etc. I will say that I have a passion for original works. I have a passion for the process of creating something from nothing, working together to sort the good from the bad and present it to an audience who has no previous history with a piece and watch them discover it, love it, hate it, whatever.....


3. If you'd had any girls, what would you have most likely named them?
Well... I am not sure if the ship has completely sailed into the sunset on whether or not a baby girl could possibly bless our family, but we have a couple of options. I actually love the idea of naming a little girl Brooklyn (where my husband is from) and her nick name would be Brooke or Michaela (after my husband who is Michael).

4. If you were to escape from your current life for a week and your family/friends wouldn't even realize that you'd left, what would you do, where would you go (and yes, time travel counts)?
Just a week? Well, yes if it was without my family and friends I would not be happy much more than a week to myself. Right now, I would love to go on a spiritual adventure, something retreat "find my inner soul"-esque, yet not just sitting and meditating. Like - jump into and become a character in the "Celestine Prophecy". I want to go someplace by myself, look at a beautiful mountain, climb it, then find out my purpose of how I am part of the mountain and what good I could do to make the mountain better for everyone else.


5. Is there a food that you hated when you were younger and now really enjoy?
Somehow when I was young, I confused cranberry sauce with beets, so I avoided it like the plague. It wasn't until my first Thanksgiving with my husband when we were having a conversation about how sweet and jello-y cranberry sauce was that I re-thought and tried it again. Now I cannot have a turkey dinner without it!


This was very thought provoking and fun to do, so I would love to play interviewer for anyone interested. Leave a comment and I will Barbara Walters you into crying over what kind of tree you wish you were!

The Deathy Hallows

I have never gotten a book the day it was published.
I have never read almost 800 pages in one week before.
I have never been so into a book that I stayed up until 4 am reading it.
I have never cried so hard that I couldn't read the book, and yet tried desperately to make myself stop crying so I could continue to read the words.
I have never committed myself to reading a "story" for this long (all 7 books).
I have never chosen a book over TV before.

I loved this book. I loved that I was able to stay away from the spoilers and enjoy the entire book. I am a little sad that I read it so quick because now it is over.

Crash, whizzzz, bam!

So there you have it. I have officially hit the wall. As I chatted with Tiffanie today, I thought perhaps I would skirt the inevitable crash this time by taking Monday and Tuesday off this week, but that did not work. I am coughing, losing my voice and generally falling asleep here at my desk as I type this.

I hate that when you have so much to blog about, you have no time to blog, and when you have oodles and oodles of time to blog.... nothing seems to come to mind.

First of all..... and I am too lazy to link so just wander over to my side bar to find him... you MUST go visit my very dear friend Kyle at "I probably shouldn't say anything....". He has recently started video blogging and I cannot seem to get enough of him. His most recent with guest blogger, Dennis, also a very dear friend, nearly had me in stitches. Now I will preface this with I have a very long history with these guys, so I am not sure if they are truly that damn funny or if it just so damn funny to me because I have been around these stories for 10+ years. Any way... go visit....

Enough of them... back to me.... well not me directly, but what is going on near me.... let's see.... My sister got married this weekend. She was lovely, it was all lovely, but after several nights, up until 2-3 am trying to get it all together, I am glad it is over.

As stated in the previous post, the house is done, and by done, I mean I am no longer in the process of changing anything. I have everything that I need on an almost daily basis where I want it and I am quickly contemplateing flicking a lit match in the general direction of all the other boxes. You know, the boxes that has all the stuff that was crammed into the closets and not taken out until it was time to cram them back into boxes to move to the new house? That stuff. We still have an entire storage unit of boxes to free, but that stuff is attic and garage stuff, but I have to clear out the garage before I...who am I kidding.....Mike, brings all the stuff from storage.

Speaking of Mike....My sweet, loving, Ta Ta..... I ruined him... I broke him. I took my loving husband, sold him into slave labor to re-do our floors downstairs, and I broke him. I tore his knee all to hell. THE BAD NEWS: He has to have surgery. THE GOOD NEWS: the floors are done....I am cold and heartless, I know, but it would have been hell hobbling around on those crutches on un-even un-finished floors!

Oh...let's see... since I am babbling, let's throw in a couple of kid stories just to round out the entry:

Yesterday, Max had an "incident" at school. Daddy picked him up and was informed that he threw his lunch plate on the floor because they made pasta with red sauce and he didn't like the pasta with red sauce, so splat on the floor it went. This is my fault because I usually just make him dry pasta, but I didn't think he would throw a tantrum when offered a different way. They ended up giving him dry pasta. Well, Daddy took away his TV and pool priviledges for the night and informed him we would be writing letters to say we were sorry to his teachers, eating dinner, showering and going to bed.... I then added to it by making pasta with red sauce for dinner and told him that if he was hungry he would eat it.... which after sitting there for 15 minutes, finally did, with a smile saying, "see, mommy.... it's good......"

Do not get me wrong, there was a lot of crying and kicking and screaming before that first bite, but eventually I took out the can of spagetteo's (which he inhales, practically) and showed him that there was NO DIFFERENCE between the pasta with red sauce there and the pasta and red sauce that was on his plate. The really funny part was seeing Ben sitting there, covered in red sauce and thoroughly enjoying every bite of his dinner looking at Max like he was crazy.

Then, we could not get Ben to settle down for bed. At one point, Daddy had to take the flash light and head up to his room to get him back into bed and he calls down to me, "Babe..." and I come around and look up the stairs, and he asked me to look around downstairs because he wasn't up there. So I holler out "Ben!" into the darkness and hear " I right here".....He had smushed himself up against the wall in the corner right outside our door and was sitting there as silent as midnight with a huge smile on his face the whole time... both daddy and I walked right past him.

So, tell me... what's up with you? Where are you? Why are your lurking? I see you coming.. I see the click, click, clicking of the stat counter, yet no "hello"? Don't be afraid... I don't bite.... well I do, but you will get over it, I promise!

It's a home

It's no longer a house being renovated, it is a home. Now... don't get me wrong. The boxes will never end... but the essentials are where they need to be and the rest will come in time.

Four months later, we have torn up the downstairs floors (approx 1500 sq feet of tile and laminate), put down new laminate wood floors, took down a wall between the kitchen and breakfast area, put wainscotting around the breakfast area, new backsplash in the kitchen, new granite counter tops in the kitchen, guest bath, and 1/2 bath, and painted every wall in the entire house excluding the utility room and a couple of hallways.

My dearsest loving husband - thank you so much for "going with" all my wild hairs and grinning and bearing it, even though you are going to need knee surgey now (another post)

Opa Jim - You will NEVER - EVER - know how thankful we are for all you have done to help us! We would never have been able to accomplish these huge tasks without your guidance and direction (and loving push to get Mike going in the right direction).... thank you, thank you... thank you..... and thank you, Oma Linda, for sharing him!

Mom - I have cherished this time we have had to plan, play, shop, demolish, paint, decorate, and garage/estate sale shop. Thank you so much for your loving push to help me keep motivated on those days I wanted to keep it as a great storage place, rather than find the energy to make it a home.

Pictures to come...I promise.....

Is it just that simple?

To be happy or not to be happy? Is it just that simple?

I find myself in a funk lately. Very much like walking around with clouds surrounding me and rain falling on my head, hairspray getting into my eyes, my make-up running, my clothes drenched and cold, feet squishing, then I slip on the floor and yell at it, really REALLY loud... because it is all the floor's fault!!!! Who put the floor under my feet, when they knew my feet would be squishy, and I wouldn't be able to see because my make-up was running and hair spray was stinging my eyes thanks to all this rain!!!!

Now I know there are songs out there that joyously sing the praises of dancing in the rain... happy happy joy joy... so is it a conscious decision? I know I can't control the rain, or at least parts of the rain I cannot control. But can I control how I choose to view the rain? Is it that simple?

Is that healthy? Is it okay to just change my mind and decide that I want to be happy and dance in the rain vs. yell at the floor and anyone who dare near me? I don't think it is healthy to pretend I am not sad or angry, cause I am. Do I think I need to figure out what is making me sad or angry, yes. But when you find out the answer, you can't necessarily control the rain.

Oh I am bored with myself..... just go to the tool bar and click next blog....maybe they will be more interesting.....

No....

f&%k, s*&^%, son-of-a-b*^%4, mother f*^%ing, a&%$#le,....

Whoa, whoa, whoa....
What?!?!

What's the problem?
I'm mad, that's the problem... I'm mad at YOU!

No you're not
YES I AM!

You're mad... but not at me.
Well I'm mad.

You didn't want this job.
Yes I did.

No you didn't, you wanted a job.
Same difference!

No... big difference.
Look... I'm mad, I'm sad, I wanted this to be easier, thought this would go differently than this....

You are not mad, your are disappointed, and I understand, but I said my plan, my time.
I know but I'm not real good at this.

I know you are not, that is part of the lesson.


So I didn't get the job. And I knew I wasn't going to, I had a dream that clearly told me, "we went with someone else". The associate principal was very polite and complimentary on the phone, "You interviewd great, and if I hear of any openings inthe district, I am definitely going to forward your information....blah blah blah..." Now, I cannot blame them. They are green, barely open for a year, and they want someone with experience - high school teaching experience - not necessarily theatre experience.

Ahhhh... pissy pants....

1st Field Trip

My baby, my first born, my angel-love boobulah, Max, is going on his first big boy field trip as I type. He is getting on a big boy bus without mommy and daddy and going to Chuck E Cheese's for lunch.

When I realized that he was old enough for his class to be included on the field trips, I was talking to the ladies at the front desk and told them he may not be able to handle the excitement. He may have a heart attack the first time he gets on that big bus. He has wanted to get on that bus since he could speak. Everytime we passed it on our way into school, I would tell him that when he was a big boy it would be his turn to ride that big boy bus. Well, that day has come.

He kept coming into my bathroom this morning, "Mommy, hurry... you have to get ready faster.... my friends are waiting for me...HURRY!!!" Now let me tell you, this little morsel of information is summer's version of calling Santa to skip our house at Christmas. Any mis-step or whine or cry is quickly corrected with a "Do I have to tell your teachers you can't go on the field trip?"

.... they grow up so fast.......

The BIG SPLASH

So we were evicted from my mother's over the weekend. My sister moved into her place since she sold her house and her new construction house won't be finished until August/September. Our house is far from complete, but it is liveable. Perhaps living in the chaos will help to motivate us to finish the last projects we have to do.

I got to take a bath this weekend. It is the first "bath" I have had in close to 10 years. I have not had the luxury of a bath tub for waaaaaaaay too long. I used to live for my bubble baths with candles, wine and music, but my living arrangements over the past few years has not been able to accomodate "me time" in water so hot I am beet red for an hour after getting out. As I laid in the bath on Saturday night, I actually felt myself coming back. I was able to open my mind and relax and enjoy the moment completely...it was GREAT!!!

Our biggest headache....the pool. Ya know.... it's sounds great. It always sounds ideal to have your very own pool in your very own back yard, but let me tell you, it can be a nightmare. After several pool guys, a polaris, new filters, and a losing fight with the home warranty people, we finally were able to enjoy our pool this weekend:






I have to say...it was AWESOME!! It felt like we were on vacation. It was great to be able to play in the pool after working so hard in yard all day. It was so much fun to have my children's complete and full attention. It was amazing to watch my husband turn into a child himself and play with his kids. It made all the heartache worth it. The worst part was the absolute meltdown when it was time to get out. The boys were so exhausted that the tears could not stop. We stripped off the wet bathing suits, showered them and got them into their night clothes without one stop to the crying. My angels at their dinner and completely zoned out from exhaustion.

So much more to do, but I am going to enjoy these hot days and nights in my pool, so for those of you close enough to enjoy it with us, close your eyes as you walk through the main part of the house that is in shambles, and I promise you will forgive us as soon as you get to the back yard and I pour your margarita.

Really well....

...maybe a little too well.....

The person I will be replacing sat in on the interview.

Why are you leaving the position?
Well, my question to you is how much time are you willing to give to this department?
(Associate principal intervenes)...answered with another question..huh,huh... (nervous laugh)
....because we are talking 12-14 hr days, 6-7 days a week. It is a HUGE committment!


Now, let me first say, I know..it is a huge committment.. I have been there, I know what I am getting into, I am aware ....but if you are going at this 12-14 hrs a day 6-7 a week, then something is broken. You should not be submitting the kids to this kind of slave labor... but I will wait to pass judgemnt/make a decision until my second interview....

... which I am pretty sure I am going to get..... I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: 12 HRS LATER

Read yesterday's post first if you haven't already! Otherwise the update isn't quite as funny.


ring...ring...
This is Rebecca
Ms. Randall?
Yes.
This is Associate Principal ----- from ------high school. I got your information from ----- and we understand you are looking for a high school theatre teaching position and so are we.......
blink blink
.... can you meet with us tomorrow......

I said I would handle it...
Yes you did.

Casting nets

Rambling, rambling.... not really sure where to go with this. I have had these issues stirring for several weeks. I have tried talking them out, meditating them out, refocusing them out, now I'll try blogging it out.

I guess I feel like I was working on so much momentum and divine intervention and then it just stopped. The yellow brick road ended in the big field of flowers and now all I want to do is sleep. I'm even second guessing myself that I don't want to make it to the Emerald city, get my wish from the wizard, and make supposed passion/dream come true.

Second City... a city filled with second guessing myself.... what am I thinking? what am I doing? do I really want to do this? Can I do this? I can't stay here, but do I really want to go there? Who the hell are you to even question this, seeings how they ain't exactly beating your door down to meet you? How can you expect to get an interview if you don't apply? The old, ya gotta buy a ticket philosophy. Well.... I don't really want to waste my money buying tickets for all kinds of raffles and end up with a prize I don't really want, but I won, by golly!

Time... never been a real big friend of mine. Never on my side. I am competely aware of the fact that this is MY issue, not father Time's issue. It is either too fast or way too slow. I sent in my resume.. they should call me.. like now... like, do they realize I am waiting for this call...I don't care that the spring is riddled with end of school year functions like UIL competions and well.... the end of school.... they should call me now. Oh great, it's too late... it is almost the end of school, it is almost summer break, they are all going to be on vacation. They have already made their decision by now, and it is not you... you weren't even in the running... you weren't even close!

You gotta get out of this job... you gotta get out of this place... these walls are caving in on you, every one around you is an asshole, nobody knows what the hell they are doing, even their voices make you crazy.... wait a minute... could it be you? During a meditation, begging and pleading to get out of my current situation, a very clear voice in my head said....before you can leave the "jail" you are in, you have to figure out what/why you allowed yourself to be there in the first place. Ouch... awww man.... I am sabotaging myself. Even if I did get an interview right now, my aura is so black and clouded with desperation and anger, who the hell would want to hire me?





Didn't I say that I would handle this?
Yes, you did.
Then okay, I'll handle it.
But when?
I said, I'll handle it. It will happen when it is suppose to happen, how it is supposed to happen. You just need to learn the lesson today and stop worrying about the details about tomorrow.
But I have to plan!
Plan what?
My life!
What would change? Really, what would change? Would your husband change? Will your children change? Will how you parent your children change? Will the time you spend with your family and friends change?
No.
So what will change?.... what time you get up for work, how you drive to work and what you do there. So like I said... I'll handle it.
But there is so much riding on this!
Why? Why have you placed so much success/failure of your happiness on this decision?
Because I think that I am supposed to be doing my greatest good and I am not doing that right now.
I cannot help you change that just by changing your job.

(.... very ... deep .... breath ....)

I know.
I know you know.
I don't like these talks.
Yes, you do.
Yes, I do.
So... like I said...I'll handle it... in MY time.
I know you will.
And now you know what you have to do.
Yes, I do.
Good.... now go to bed.

Ben won!

A shift happened yesterday, it was subtle, probably no one but a mother would have noticed, but it happened.

Ben won.

Every morning there is a race that takes place from the starting line (the parking lot) to the finishing line (the front door of the boys school). The boys run to the starting line, hunker down, and wait for mommy to announce: "On your mark; get set; GO!!" and the 2 of them tear off, full speed for the finish line. At first Ben was too young to realize it was a race, he just thought it was fun to wait for the signal and run real fast. Then there were a couple of times when Max or Ben would dart off early before I said "GO" and I would "wai-wai-wai-wait!" them back to the starting line for a fair start. I think it was one of these false starts that Ben realized that this was a competition. Shortly after this, he would pout or give up when it would become evident that his brother was winning the race.

But not yesterday..... my baby boy bit his lower lip, gave it his all, and beat the pants off his big brother. Max stopped short of the finish line and crossed his arms and pouted, almost in shock that his baby brother had whipped his heiney for the first time.

Ben was so proud of himself he could have lit up a midnight sky.

Looking for a 12 step....

So I am currently looking for a 12 step program to help me with my latest addiction. I blame my best friend, Tiffanie. It is all her fault. It all started over a lunch email at work:

T: Heading out to get the boy a toddler bed
Me: How much fun, from where?
T: Oh it's one of my free thingys...
Me: (sniff sniff).... what?....(sniff).... what do you mean free thingys?.....
T: YOU KNOW...I just know I have told you about it... it is this internetthingy where rather than donate your stuff you don't want you post it online in a group and the ground rules are it has to be free....

Somewhere around here I stopped reading.... FREE.... FREE, PEOPLE.

It is called Freecycle.org and they are global. They are online communitties that are run locally in neighborhoods. The rules may vary from group to group, but the bottom line is, you offer what you don't want for free, it must be usable, it must be appropriate for all ages, you are responsible for your own safety. People offer from clothes, to toys, to dish washers, to camping equipment, to whatever....There are 4 titles: OFFER, WANT, TAKEN, RECEIVED.

It is so freaking cool!!

To date I have received some gorgeous gold sheers, 2 outdoor chaise lounges and a coffee table/end table set.....for freaking free..... it's like ebay for the poor. The offer goes out and you pray your email hits their in box first so you can win the prize.

Freecycle.org

Go.....and I'm sorry... addicts never like to be alone......

I am woman hear me roar.....

I am covered in paint and recovering from a state recertification survey...this is the best I can do people.....

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You say it's your birthday?

.... it's my birthday, too, yeah!

Where shall we start...

It's not the GREAT FLOOD....but definitely flooding is a theme in my life right now. I am going to use these symbols of flood as a sign of the destruction of the old, the water representing my need to be fluid and flexible with change, and then nourishing to the new.....

Have you thrown up from all the BS yet?

SO... a few weeks ago we had a torrential downpour come through our town. 5:30 AM, big thunder, big lightening, big rain! Mike left to the new house before me and the boys, and I get a phone call.... get dressed and bring the camera....NOW. I walk into puddles in my new living room. Great... we barely own the house 3 weeks and I have my 1st insurance claim. Brilliant.

I am choosing to see this as a blessing. We had just ripped out the tile floor, but we had not put down the new laminate. This will however delay the moving in process slightly, since now we are going to have to fix the problem.

Today - I get the kids to school and see that the windows are all wide open, and there are lots of trucks everywhere and no lights on inside. Great..... I am greeted at the door by the owner who proceeds to tell me that a hot water heater burst sometime over the weekend, flooding the entire school and bascially destroying everything 2 feet and down..... it is a daycare...everything is 2 feet and down. My heart just broke for them. You could tell they were devastated. They were able to move all the kids across the street for the day, but then they were going to have to move all the kids around to other daycares.

Once again, this is a big picture moment for me. I am very attached to this daycare... I love them and they have loved my children since they were born. But it is not close to where we live now. We really should move them to someplace closer to our new home. I was hoping to wait until Big Red got into kindergarten. I was avoiding it. I don't like change. But it makes no sense for my children to move to another daycare (even further away) for an unknown amount of time, go back to the old daycare, then move again later. So today I went looking for another school.... and to no fault of their own, none of them are as good as MY school just because of the simple fact that it is not MY school.

Oh... change.... my dear sweet annoying friend, Change. You and I are gonna have to figure out a way to get a long. You are obviously not going anywhere (or are you always going somewhere?)..... so I am just going to have to find a place for you in my life....just as soon as everything dries out......