Now that's what I call Christmas!

Blogger note: our DSL has been down on top of all the holiday craziness... I have had this post for over a week just never got around to posting! I had big plans to add pics and all, but it just didn't happen with dial-up.... so better late than never!

Now back to the post!


Let's just say that I got out of my nightgown at 9 PM, threw some clothes on, drove home, and got back into my nightgown and got into bed......but I am getting ahead of myself....

Christmas weekend started on Friday with my boys in tow for a few hours of work (why my daycare was closed I have no idea). Friday night we had a birthday party for Ben with friends and family. Lots of kids, lots of pizza and cake...lots of fun.

Saturday I spent the majority of the day locked in our backroom wrapping presents. My sister called saying that Christmas Children's Mass was at 4:00 not 6:00 so I stop wrapping and do a "chicken with her head cut off" dance trying to get the kids ready 2 hours earlier than scheduled, only to get a call as we are leaving that the church is packed and over flowing 1/2 before the service even starts. We then decide to go to the 6:00 Mass which in fact turned out to be 6:30 so we sat in church for an hour before the service started with two wiggly 3 yr olds and a 6 yr old who wanted to know why that man was strapped up there on that wood thingy....(time for CCE classes I guess).
Saturday night we had dinner, then got the kids into their PJs and took them all in the car to look at the lights in the neighborhood. Did you know you could fit 4 adults and 5 children in a small SUV? We got home and settled everyone down into their make shift bed on the living room floor and put on Polar Express. The kids were out within minutes, but we all stayed up to make sure they wouldn't wake up while we were bringing the presents out. My mother and sister had never seen Polar Express so we watched it through the end. When it was over, all four of us satred to bring the presents in and place them under the tree when the grandfather clock started to chime that it was midnight... we all stopped in our tracks and my sister said, "No way" and the same time that my mom said " Oh my gosh... Santa is here!" We all teared up at the irony!
Christmas day.... an explosion of 5 children's gifts everywhere... Darth Vader mask, leap pads, power touch books, Cinderella'a stage coach, etc.... the house was filled with blinky flashy lights, singing and talking toys. The only fighting was with the two 1yr olds. No one could tell who won, but there was alot of crying and slapping.
Had lunch, took a nap, laid around some more... packed everyone up and came home...
All in all a lovely restful Christmas!

Stick a fork in me....

....cause I am done....
After a week of bed times at 1:30....
Forgotten cookies....
Sugar cookies....
Nestle crunch cookies....
Chocolate peppermint cookies (that ended up in the trash)....
Christmas wreath cookies....
Peanut butter rice krispie treats with chocolate drizzled on top....
Taking above cookies and putting them into containers for friends, neighbors and daycare teachers....
Shopping in aisles too small for 3 carts to get through (can you just wait... I am trying to LOOK at the toy to see if it is the right one)
Christmas CD's HAND delivered so that friends could at least enjoy it a few days before Christmas

I just can't be HER... I WANT to be her.... but I just can't... I want to be THAT mom.... I want to be THAT aunt...THAT friend...but I just can't......I am too damn tired.... this wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be......I am now shifting to the
"My house isn't going to be that clean, but you should be able to walk" girl
"The cookies may not be from Martha Stewart, but they taste real good with the wine and conversation" girl....
"I may not have made that from scratch, but it was MADE and heated in my home that is now covered in Christmas lights so please appreciate my garland, not my home made recipes" girl...

My door is open... Merry Christmas....I am probably taking a nap in the bedroom....

There is a whale outside

On this rather yucky rainy thunderstormy morning, this is the conversation in my house:

Max: Mommy... MOMMY!! Dere's a whale!
Me: A whale?
Max: Yes mommy, a whale!
Me: Where is there a whale?
Max: Outside ...(thunder)... see mommy, right dere...a whale!
Me: No baby that's not a whale... that's thunder.
Max: Thunder? ...oh... okay.... (walks away kinda deflated)

Why didn't I just let it be a whale... it was more fun that way!

What the hell am I doing?

I was going to go to bed early tonight....

It's almost 1:30....

Gee, I love the holidays.....

Didn't need a quiz to tell me this one....

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career Or simply take in all the city has to offer.

What City Do You Belong In?

Happy Birthday, Baby Ben!

My sweet baby Ben,

Here is your story:

Daddy and I decided in the Spring of 2004, that we wanted to leave ourselves open to the opportunity of a new baby brother or sister for Max. We knew that we wanted you guys to be at least 2 years apart. In April, I was having some similar feelings that I had with Max and I remember thinking it would be a great birthday present to find out I was pregnant. So I went to the store and took the test at work. The test didn’t show 2 lines so I quickly stuffed it back into the box and shoved it back into my purse… oh well… maybe next month…

The next night I was working late and I got a call from daddy:

Daddy: I found it….
Mommy: Found what?
Daddy: Hello….IT… I found it….
Mommy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Daddy: Oh my…. You have no idea…
Mommy: No idea about what? What are you talking about?
Daddy: You know the box you left on the counter? It has 2 lines….
Mommy: WHAT?!?!
Daddy: You heard me…
Mommy: When you are holding it, which direction are the lines going?
Daddy: I know how to read a pregnancy test!

I was through the roof with excitement! I knew immediately that you were a boy. Your name came from the middle names of daddy's daddy, Pops, (Benjamin) and my daddy, Grandpa (Thomas). I knew that you were going to be just as wonderful as your big brother and people would spend the rest of your lives asking if you were twins because you were so close in age. My pregnancy was uneventful until the end. My blood pressure was rising in the same way it did with Max, so my doctor put me on bed rest as a precaution.

You were born on Wednesday, December 08, 2004 at 1:05 pm. I heard you cry and I knew you were perfect. You were 8 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. We spent a lot of the first few days of your life snuggling together in my hospital bed and getting to know each other. You have been mommy’s snuggle boy ever since. Your favorite place to be is right in each others’ face.

Your red hair, blue eyes and million dollar smile have charmed everyone you have ever met. You have an incredibly sweet disposition and rarely get fussy. You are an observer by nature. You love watching things around you and your favorite thing to watch is your brother. It took you a while to start crawling because you felt there was just no need. Just when we were getting concerned, you flopped over and started following us from room to room…”Is this what you wanted me to do?” You are SO close to walking!! You stand there, start rocking on your toes then plop on your bottom and smile.

You love to dance, your favorite food is oranges, and your favorite toy is whatever toy your brother is currently playing with. You know your boundaries and love to tell everyone around you. You will crawl right up to the Christmas tree, almost touch the ornaments and start violently shaking your head and hands while repeating “nonononononononono” over and over again. When we smile and say, “Yes sir, no no touch”, you smile and wander on to the next exciting thing that has caught your eye.

We are so blessed to have you in our family. I thank God everyday for you and your brother. You have opened my life to so much love that sometimes I feel like I could burst with joy.

Happy 1st Birthday, my baby boy!

Love,
Mommy

It's up....

After 2 very long days, Christmas has exploded all over my house... inside and out....

... and with the way I am feeling right now....

I t ' s N e v e r C o m i n g D o w n ......

I will except my white trash title and sleep until next year when it will be fashionable again....

The Bells of Christmas

My favorite holiday decoration has always been the sleigh bells that my mother would hang on our front and back doors. The moment I heard them chime as they were pulled out of the box, you knew it was Christmas. It was such a beautiful sound, and I can remember getting excited every night hearing them chime as my mom and dad would get home from work.
This Christmas was no different. We helped my mother take her decorations down from the attic and brighten her home with the Christmas spirit. I was sitting at the table when I heard my beloved bells get pulled from their box. I smiled at my sister as I heard them shaking loud as one of the kids carried them into the house..."It's official... Christmas is here...." The kids helped decorate Grandma's tree with lots of excitement. My heart is bursting because they get it.... they understand the excitement of Christmas.
We had such a lovely weekend. We ended the weekend with family movie night. Mike and I had picked up Polar Express, a movie that combined all of our favorite things...Christmas for me and trains the boys. We had never seen it and were very excited to snuggle up after a long weekend. From the moment the train pulled into the front yard of the little boy's house, Max was hooked. I have never seen my son so involved in every detail of a movie before. He talked about the train, the little boy, how the little girl helped the little boy, the Christmas tree and Kanta Claus (we haven't quite mastered out "sss" sound yet). Ben was just as engaged. He loved the pictures and danced to the music. At one point they were so engaged in a song the children were singing, I started to weep. I looked over at my husband and he too, was just as moved. Just when I thought that the excitement couldn't grow anymore, Santa arrived. Max was almost out of his skin with excitement. And when I thought I couldn't take anymore, the little boy was chosen to get the first Christmas gift. And what did he ask for?.... a sleigh bell.
On this weekend of anniversaries, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am thankful for a wonderful husband, my beautiful boys, my amazing mother and sister, my adorable niece and nephews, and my extended family of friends. I wish you all the beauty and spirit of the upcoming holidays. I thank you for all the wonderful memories this year and look froward to making new ones over the next few weeks, months and years.

Sleigh Bells ring.... are you listening?!?!?

Five years and counting.....

I went to a psychic in Little Italy right before New Year's Eve, 1999. She told me that I was going to meet the man I was going to marry but we would not start dating right away.
New Year's Eve 1998-1999
I was working at the Olive Garden in Times Square, so some friends and I went to the party there. I was greeted at the door by this good looking tall security officer from Brooklyn. He opened the front door of the Olive Garden and said "I was told to let this pretty lady in". I smiled and blushed and turned my attention to my manager who was standing next to him and gave him a hug and went into the party.
Monday, February 8, 1999
I had the morning shift. I basically fell out of bed, threw make-up on my face and my hair in a head band. I was downstairs in the cafe and this very good looking tall security officer from Brooklyn comes in the front door walks past the hostess stand, and up the escalator to the main dinning area of the restaurant. I walk up to the hostess stand.
"Who was that?!?"
"Becky, you know him...he is in here every Monday"
"I have NEVER seen him before"
"YES you have... "
"NO, I would remember him" (of course I didn't remember him from New Years)
So I go on with my lunch rush. About a half hour later, I am standing at the computer putting an order in when I hear:
"Rebecca.... I would like you to meet someone....."
Oh my God... she didn't...I have about 5 seconds to flash my brightest smile and look up from the computer which I was now clutching on to.....
Later that week, he came back.... we exchanged very casual pleasantries and then I found an excuse to bolt into the kitchen....
Allison.... my very dear friend who I followed to New York shortly after she and her husband moved there, comes to the back.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"You know me ... I don't DO that kinda stuff well..."
"Well, get over it..."
"I can't ... is he still here?"
"NO!!!.. Do you like him?"
"Yes... I do... I really do...."
"Good ... cause I gave him your number and told him that you would be home around 5 o'clock today and you better ANSWER the DAMN PHONE!!!!"
We talked for hours that night and agreed to a date on Saturday, February 13th. Our first date was a walking tour of Lower Manhattan and dinner and drinks in Brooklyn.
A month later on a date celebrating his birthday, he took me to Coney Island. It was a beautiful, clear cold night and we walked along the beach. We held hands and I finally had the courage to tell him, "This would be a perfect opportunity for you to kiss me" and we shared out first kiss under a full moon.
The following Christmas, he asked me to be his wife.
November 25, 2000, we were married. It was a wonderful day that I will never forget. My favorite part of the ceremony was right before we exchanged rings:

Hands of the Bride and Groom

Rebecca, please face Michael and hold his hands, palms up, so that you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.

These are the hands that will work along side yours, as together you build your future, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within you.

These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time.

These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family

These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind.

These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

Michael, please hold Rebecca’s hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.

These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go

These are the hands that will massage tension from you neck and back in the evenings after you’ve both had a long hard day.

These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times

These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.

They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.

These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time she tells you that you are to have another child, that together you have created a new life.

These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

Happy Anniversary, my love....

Fall Fever

There is no coincidence that I plan everything in the Fall...

I moved to New York in the Fall and had about a month off to "explore" the city and find a job.

I got married in the Fall which required several long weekend trips followed by 2 weeks off.

I moved back to Houston in the Fall, again a long respite to get my southern roots planted again.

I had both of my children in the Fall which of course gave me several weeks off for maternity leave.

I have done absolutely nothing the past few days at work... I have major Fall Fever.

Happy Birthday, Max!

My dearest most precious Max,

My first born, my angel , you are still mommy’s baby boy even though you are turning 3 years old today. In so many ways you have been the most life changing experience I have ever known. Even before I was pregnant, I could not wait to meet you. I always knew you were going to come first. A little boy who would teach me more than I could ever imagine teaching you. You came early and I was not ready for you. I cried when the doctor called and told me to go to the hospital. I thought I was supposed to become this super mom before you ever arrived and I knew that my super mom license had not arrived yet. It was a long labor, but well worth it! I eventually had to have a c-section because you had no intention of leaving my warm safe belly. The first thing the doctor said was “It’s a boy… WOW look at that red hair!”


RED HAIR!!! We still have no idea where it came from. The crazy part is that I had a dream a week or so before you were born. It was about a little red haired boy and I thought I was dreaming about your Aunt Al’s baby, because the idea of having a red headed child was just never a thought in my head. Everywhere we go people stop and tell you what a handsome boy you are. You are even more striking when you are in the company of your brother. The two of you turn heads and bring smiles everywhere you go.

Three years old! My heart is already bursting with love and memories. I just don’t know how it can grow any larger…. But at the same time I cannot wait for more! You are so different from me and yet sometimes it is like I am looking in a mirror. You are an exact carbon of your daddy. I tell people all the time that other than carrying you for 9 months, I had very little to do with your genetic make-up. That is of course until your perform your infamous, incredibly dramatic temper tantrums. You first try to reason with me and explain why what you want is really the best idea. When I disagree, you then become firm, and demand that it be done your way or the highway. When you realize I am not only your superior officer, but one tough cookie, you melt into a blob of goo on the floor, begging and pleading with me as we gently walk over to the naughty wall to reflect on the past few minutes and why we didn’t get our way. It is a performance that only your mother could love, mostly because it is exactly how she has performed on many occasions.

You are going to be an engineer… I just know it. You don’t really play with toys. You spend most of your time figuring out how it works and why we should play with it in the first place. You insist on doing everything yourself, which I must admit, you actually do very well 90% of the time. When you can’t get something to work, it must be broken.

You worship your brother and he worships you. We are so blessed that from the 1st time you met Ben, you genuinely thought mommy and daddy made him for your entertainment. You are so protective of him. You don’t like it when he cries and try to move Heaven and Earth to get him to stop. On many occasions you have climbed into his crib just to get closer to him.

And all of a sudden you have become quite the snuggle bunny with me, and I am LOVING IT!!! Even when you were born, you already had a strong neck and looked around at everything. You used to try to climb up and out of my arms so you could see what was going on, Mr. Independent. But lately you have become very attached to me. Lots of love, lots of kisses, lots of snuggling on the couch watching Rolie Polie Olie. You give me kisses for my pocket and we exchange kisses for under our pillows. When I do not get home until late, you beg for daddy to let you sleep on my side of the bed until I get home. Then I lift you up, hold you tight and whisper my parting ritual, “I love you, I’ll see you in the morning, I miss you already”.

I love you, baby boy… more than you will ever know……Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Pre-birthday slumber party

Kameron ( my nephew) is over for a pre-birthday slumber party. So far we have had Burger King with Star Wars kid toys, bath itme in the dark with light sabers (glow sticks), we have watched Stars Wars (the original or episode IV, however you care to acknowledge it)and participated in fight scenes with our light sabers (again, glow sticks). Max has already informed me that tommorrow's birthday party cake should be a Star Wars cake (too bad, we picked Incredibles when we ordered it 3 days ago) and it is now 10:50 and we are starting Star Wars 2, or Episode V....
We have had lollipop rings, popcorn, cheetos, soda and mandarin oranges...
... let's see how far we get into this movie.....


update per village idiot
first one (max) went out at the beginning of the battle for hoth
second (kameron)was out by the end of the battle
guess we'll have to wait for their recreation of the luke vs vader light saber duel

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop. But when you think of something, watch out! Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion. You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Walgreen's

So apparently in "Perfect" you have to get a credit check and prove you have never been in rehab before you can get cold medicine for your 11 month old.

Since when did "over-the-counter" medicines go back over the counter to the Pharmacy?

Last night I stopped for some pediacare, I went to the normal section where I find children's medications, but this time I find a little card; "Please see pharmacy to obtain this item".

So I take the card and stand in line behind the other 5 people who are standing in line with cards and puzzled & pissy looks on their faces. It is finally my turn and I preset my card and she asks for my ID. Excuse me? I know I am not ancient but I surely do not look like some spring chick-a-dee either. She takes my ID and pulls out this huge binder and flips through to some secret section follows down the many names over several pages while looking at my ID. She does not find my name so she gets to the end and starts to write my information down and the information concerning the medicine I am picking up. She then turns the binder around and slams the pen down and says, "Sign here". So I start looking up to the top and she gets pissy with me and says, "I said SIGN HERE" I informed her that I am not going to sign anything without reading what the hell I am signing, and by the way you could show a little customer service and explain whay I must go through a 5 minute process to get childrens' cold medicine! "Oh, we have been doing this for months now" "No, you haven't.. I live 4 blocks from here and I am in here all the time"

So turns out, you now have to be 18 and over to by cold medicine. You can only purchase a small amount and only over a certain time period.

I realize that we need to crack down on the meth houses and creative teen addicts, but perhaps we need to come up with something more effective than writing down driver's license numbers and pissing off the rest of us who don't abuse the system. I am sorry, here is a little of my "Right" side coming out. I feel for all those with addictions and life struggles, but I am not willing to sacrifice my time when I know that addicts will get their fix anyway they can... this little speed bump just makes them have to think a little harder or stop at a few more stores. And last time I checked, no one was writing down ID for cigarettes or alchohol.

I do love a whip....

You scored as Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist/adventurer with an unquenchable love for danger and excitement. He travels the globe in search of historical relics. He loves travel, excitement, and a good archaeological discovery. He hates Nazis and snakes, perhaps to the same degree. He always brings along his trusty whip and fedora. He's tough, cool, and dedicated. He relies on both brains and brawn to get him out of trouble and into it. Indiana Jones 79% Maximus 75% James Bond, Agent 007 71% William Wallace 71% Batman, the Dark Knight 67% Lara Croft 67% Neo, the "One" 67% Captain Jack Sparrow 58% The Terminator 46% El Zorro 46% The Amazing Spider-Man 38% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Is it sad?

Is it sad that I have the most recent published posts of my favorite blogs memorized so that I can quickly whip through my list and know who has updated and who has not?

Is it even more sad that I get a little adrenaline pump in the bottom of my stomach when I realize that that they have updated with a new post?

Is it even more of a problem that I get pissed at Blog Rolling when it tells me there is something "NEW" at a particular site and there is nothing new?

.... issues .....

ROCK ON !!!!!!

What does your future hold? You will have an apartment entirely furnished with Ikea Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Here is the sad thing: If I could have my choice of any shopping spree type store, I would choose IKEA... I just like to wander through IKEA and come up with decorating ideas for rooms that do not exist with money that I do not have!
mmmmmm....I...K...E...A..... I love that little Swed.

I love my boys...

I mean, I freakin' love my boys....
I just keep looking at pics of them and I just grin from ear to ear.
I know I am having a private mother peacock moment here, but I just love them. They are hours of entertainment for me.
And I love that I am "in the moment" with them. I cannot possibly imagine that it could get any better than they way it is "right now" and then the next stage comes and I think, "No, this is the best time!"
I freakin' LOVE my boys!!!

What a Happy Halloween!

So after 2 1/2 hrs of pouring down rain, thunder and lightening, the Halloween wind blew through our streets icy cold and brough out all the little munchkins for some damp, but cool trick or treatin!
Mike took Max out for a few houses and then we spent the rest of the night handing out 35 bags of Kit Kats, Reeses Peanut BUtter cups, assorted Hersey's and some hard candy.
Max spent the evening on a sugar high running through the house chanting:
"I love my candy, I love my candy, I love my candy!"
Here are soem pics of the evening, Max would not sit still long enough for more than a few, but Ben happily posed in full Turtle gear!

My breaking Halloween Heart

Here is my heart breaking for my dear sweet husband who loves this day so much....
.. as I stare out of my office window at a very large black cloud that is approaching.

I guess he will have to nix the fire torches and fog machine this year...

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with the 35 bags of candy I bought?

Last year we went through that amount in less than 45 minutes.

Falling back

I wish to thank my blessed children for realizing the joys of "Fall Back Saturday" , or better, "Fall Back Sunday morning" and sleeping until 7:45, which according to their clocks, and more importantly OUR clocks, meant 8:45.

And thank you to my loving husband who let me take a 3 hour nap this afternoon.

Here is the difference from my 20 year old self and my 30 yr old self when it comes to this weekend:

20 yr old: took advantage of the night by gong out drinking one extra hour
30 yr old: took advantage of the night by going to Sears and buying a double oven that was on sale only until Sat night.

20 yr old: slept until whenever and pretty much kept sleeping all day until Sunday night.
30 yr old: contemplate spiking children's night time drinks with Benedryl in hopes that it will keep them asleep longer in the morning.

20 yr old: Take advantage of the fact that you got so much "rest" all day, and go out on Sunday night. Besides you didn't have class until 10:00 on Monday anyway.
30 yr old: take 3 hr nap then wake up, race through the house cleaning and doing laundry, realize that 3 hr nap did nothing and made no deposit into sleep bank which is way in the negative.

20 yr old: Sunday night, shots.
30 yr old: Sunday night, folding laundry and blogging thinking of 20 yr old self and trying to remember what it was like to have that much energy.

Just cause it is Friday....

Well.. I have been talking a whole lot about him lately....


So I thought I would give the bluest eyes in Texas the chance to say hello...

We all need reasons for therapy

So as I was driving home last night, I was thinking, I should print some of these blogs and put them into a photo/scrap book type deal for my little pumpkins. Just something fun to share with others when they are older. Wouldn't YOU want to share your poo poo in the potty story as told by your mother with your girl/boy friend?

Just another reason for them to go to therapy.

"Well my mom wrote about my incontinence issues when I was a toddler and published it on the world wide web...."

So he needed a little privacy...

I truly belive that motherhood in 90% divine intervention and 10% ingenuity.
So, remember the big boy bike post? Well that was the one and only time he pooped in the potty. He rode the bike, realized it was no big deal and continued to poop in his pants. I probably would have had more patience if my 3 year old didn't create a stink that his father could envy and cause me to move out of the house.
So we tried bribing, begging, screaming... all the same end result. He would out and out panic at the thought of pooping in the potty. Full out terror cries. "No mommy, I can't... I CAN't POO POO IN THE P-O-T-T-Y!!!!" He knows when he has to go, WE know when he has to go... he would look at us with concern and run somewhere private, take care of his business and then come tell us to clean him up. I just didn't get it...."You tell mommy and daddy when you have to pee pee in the potty. Why can't you tell us when you have to poo poo in the potty? And mommy and daddy can help you!"
Well the proverbial shit hit the fan on Monday when we had such a fit and Mommy could not handle it (see below post concerning loss of patience due to loss of carbs). Daddy had to take Max outside with him and have a talk Man to Man about the potty situation ( and I am sure he enlightened him on the mommy situation, too, but that is between them). Just when I thought that, yes, he is going to go to college with poop in his pants, a divine angel must have laid her hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear..." You are doing this all wrong.... it is not about the poop... you need to find what else is going on."
So I made a deal with Max.... mommy is going to move the potty into his room (where he usually likes to hide). When he needs to go, he can come in here and do it by himself. So last night, it happened.. the panic look and the run to his room... we all follow.. including Ben.... total fit... Damnit, I thought this would work! Nothing. Few minutes later... again, panic, run, Daddy still in his room, total fit.

L-I-G-H-T-B-U-L-B!!!

"You know what buddy, We are gonna step out of the room, you just sit down on the potty and let us know if you need us...."

We exit out of the room and hide just beyond the door frame.

Grunt... Groan....

"Mommy!! Daddy!!! I POO POO IN THE POTTY!!! ALL BY M'SELF!!!! I did it ! I did it!!"

Full out poo poo in the potty party commenced at our house!

D-E-T-O-X

They don't call it DETOX for nothing...
So I have a wedding in a month and I have ballooned up to the highest weight I have ever been... no numbers necessary, really.... so I decided that since my sister had such incredible success with LA Weight Loss, that I would give it a try... not the "$1000, actually go to the store and sign up" try, more like the "I'll get it from Karen to help jump start and lose the water weight" try. I know this is not healthy, I know that I need a life change, but that isn't what this is about..this is about getting into my fancy clothes because I do not have the cash to buy anything new and fancy to wear to my cousin's wedding.
So the first 2 days is called DETOX. You are allowed 2 eggs, all the protien you want, green fresh vegtables, and 4 oranges. Okay, not so bad... I can handle that, right?
Breakfast: 2 scambled eggs and an orange.
Lunch: Romaine lettuce, celery, cucumbers, and broccoli with Tuna ... and an orange
Snack: Orange
Dinner: Cucumber, steak, chix,..oh yeah and an orange....
I pee'd so much that you would think I was pregnant.... (I am not)... it was okay... had little hungry spurts here and there... let me re-phrase that...little "I want chocolate because I can't have chocolate" spurts... but I managed to get through it okay. Then on the way home from work I feel icky... can't put my finger on it, icky.. call Karen...normal... you are detoxing from the carbs....
This morning... lost 5 lbs... good job...
All day today I have done nothing...NOTHING... at work except search for a response email from my daily email conversation with her and wonder when my next time to eat is.. and what can I have (re-play yesterday)... and talk myself out of reaching into my desk drawer where I know I have a stash of saltine crackers....
You would think that I had just stopped smoking, hell smoking crack for that matter, with the way I am feeling. OVER SALTINE CRACKERS!!!!!!!
I hate this, I fucking hate this....I hate that I was going to treat myself to a Diet coke (which is allowed) and the vending machine gave me a VANILLA Diet coke and I was ready to pick it up (yes, the vending machine) and throw it against the wall in anger because the label wasn't marked VANILLA Diet Coke... it is labelled DIET COKE... just plain ole DIET COKE... which is what I can have and what I wanted!!!!
I feel like Meg Ryan in "When a man Loves a Woman" and she is in a crumpled mess on the floor crying because she just wanted to make a phone call....

I didn't need a quiz to tell me this....

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 40% spiritual. 40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

The Fugly Police

So it is time once again to open my little vault of fears and share with you some of my ugly skeletons.
I am in hurry this evening, trying to get out of the house to a store that is about to close. I have been cleaning all day, but there is no time for a full shower with hair and make-up etc (45 minute project at least). My loving husband is urging me and playing dirty by sending our eldest in..." 'mon mommy, les go... we are leeeeving you!" So I quickly throw base, powder and mascara on, my hair into a pony tail and we are off....
Shortly after leaving our block I see myself in daylight in the side mirror.
ME: Good God... I look bad.... what the hell am I thinking?!?!
Mike: Baby, you're beautiful...
Me: Thank you, but you are lying!
Mike: Max, isn't mommy beautiful?
Max: Uhmm... yeah... sure....(not exactly convincing)
Mike: What's the big deal?
Me: The big deal is this.... I have come from a long line of women where you are taught early... you never...EVER... go out without make-up and hair perfect... you can slack on the clothes, but you must always be prepared.
Mike: For what?
Me: Exactly... you never know who you might see? With my luck it is now that I am gonna run into the fugly police... Oprah.. what not to wear...whatever... and I will be plastered on millions of TVs all over the world as the ugliest woman alive... And there is no convincing Oprah when you try to tell her that you almost never go out into public looking that way and she responds with "There is never an excuse to look the way that you do!"

There is no one worse on your self esteem than the fugly police....

Our First Monster

Max: Mommy.... (over baby monitor)
- moment -
Max: M O M M Y !!!
Me: Yes sir....
Max: Ders a monster...
Me: No honey, there are no monsters.
Max: Yes, mommy, ders a monster!
Me: Where, baby? Where did you see a monster?
Max: Over der (pointing to the closet)
Mike: What's the problem?
Me: Apparently there is a monster in the closet.
Mike: A monster! I'll get 'em...
(Very dramatically...Mike grabs this glow in the dark, light-saber type thing and turns it on in the closet)
Mike: Monsters don't like this thing! I don't see anything, but if he comes back you just turn this on and he'll go away!
Max: Thanks, Daddy!
Me: (melt)

Turning over a new leaf....

So we have seemed to recover from last weeks adventures. Ben still has his old man wheeze, but I am sure that will continue until the Spring. Mom has made it back from her week and half fall foliage trip up to New England that resulted in no fall foliage but an immense amount of rain and lobster and gifts for the children. She called me at one point and said, "Could you pull out a calculator for me?" I knew then that her love of her grandchildren was hitting her wallet.
I am back to work tomorrow. I wish I could say that it was a nice break, but it was filled with concern for Ben and major guilt for the fact that I was not a work. Most people think that it must be a breeze working for your mother in a family company, but trust me... it is not. I do not dream to be my own boss or own my own company ever again... cause guess what...it sucks where the buck stops. Don't get me wrong, I would love to win the lottery or have a career like writing or performing where ultimately I set the schedule, but customer service is not my forte.... I DO NOT think the customer is always right and unfortunately I am not a very good liar, so the customer knows that I think they are full of horse s%^t.
I picked my mother up from the airport on Friday night and she started a very interesting conversation. It was basically that she is not living her dream life. She is not persuing her passions. And I sat there and thought, what the hell are we doing? She doesn't want to be there.. I don't want to be there... neither one of us is living our dream..... hell, neither one of us is even remotely satisfied with what we are doing. It is a paycheck, and a very expensive one, too. It is becoming more and more apparent that this paycheck is costing me more of my life energy than I would like to share. This is a very repetitive circular journey in my life story, but the fear of breaking the cycle is terrifying. I think I know what I would really like to do, but when I start to process the possibility, I immediately post very elaborate obstacles and outrageous scenarios that push me back into the lazy boy of life and say, "you will feel better tomorrow... you are just tired, it's the new baby, it's that project, blah, blah, blah...."
I am also held captive by my "good ole days" alter ego. The grass always tends to be greener in every pasture I have already visited. Am I fooling myself or just dropping clues to remind myself what really fulfills my soul?
So it is fall (or so I hear, the weather outside my home certainly disagrees), a time when trees shed their leaves. Expose themselves to the harsh realities of winter, and plant possibilites to bloom in the Spring. I think I am planting bulbs of possibility of my own this Fall. I am hoping to plug my ears from the harsh realities of my own cynicism and bloom something beautiful in the next few months, seasons, years. I cannot keep putting myself on a calendar that I know I cannot keep, but at the same time I have got to stop putting the calendar in my bedside table and pretend it does not exist.

As I am reviewing this post to publish, my attention is pulled to the song on the TV, the end of Lord of the Rings, Annie Lenox:
What do you see on the horizon?
Why do the wild doves call?
Across the sea?
A pale moon rising....
The ships have come to carry you home...

God in Heaven, I hope so.....

Mommy and Ben's journey to the ER

So after a breathing treatment at 6:30 AM I call my sister and ask:
"Should he sound like he is drowning?"
I do not think I need to post her response.
So I call the on call pediatric nurse and ask if I should bring him into the office or skip the office and go straight to the ER for a chest X-ray. She advises me to do another treatment and she will call back to see if that helps. Thirty minutes later we still have the same old man COPD 40 year smoker wheeze.
Off to the ER...
Thanks to his adroable good looks and bright red hair (and maybe the fact that they were not that busy) we went straight in.
It is very obvious from the wheezing and dark circles under his eyes that he doesn't feel well. The nurse comes in and gets a history. Then the student comes in to get a history... and goes out.. and comes back in, "Just one more question"....and goes out... and comes back in, "Oh I forgot to check his respirations"... isn't the main reason we are here because he has distressed respirations and didn't I say that within the first 5 words of our greeting, "We can't breathe too well..."?
Then the respiratory therapist comes in and gets a history.... she starts a breathing treatment... no change in chest sounds.... hour later, another breathing treatment..."It is really not making any change."
Then the MD comes in with the student, never greets me, continues the conversation with the student and starts his exam of Ben. Once the 30-45 second exam is over, he directs his attention to me....(without asking the history) "Well I am not really hearing anything, I mean it is obvious he is congested but I think he will just ride it out (wheeze, hack in the back ground).. I am going to ask the therapist to do another treatment and I will be back."
"What about a chest x-ray?"
"Well, even if it was pnuemonia, which I do not think it is, we wouldn't change the current protocol. Let's just keep an eye on him and see what happens. I understand that the on call nurse directed you to come in but sometimes nurses confuse the crackling sounds that you can hear with what is actually in the nasal and throat areas. (Boo.. hiss...apparently he did not read the portion of the chart that states that my family owns a home care agency run by nurses with more experience than the two of them combined. Of course the student doesn't count, he had NO experience)
"What about the fact that his oxygen stats keep dipping?"
"It is probably a machine error"
(then what the fuck is the purpose of the machine in the first place.)
So the therapist walks in for treatment number 3... what a surprise... no change in the chest sounds.
Hour later
MD... listens to the chest... "well, I am gonna back track a little... he is just not responding to the treatments (shocking analysis)... I am gonna order a chest x-ray. There is another breathing treatment that might help, but it is not licenesed for the home. It will give him relief but only temporarily" (well isn't temporarily good?)

Off to chest x-ray....

Now I am going to take a small jaunt off of this journey to tell you how incredibly amazing Ben was during this whole scenario. Never once did he cry, okay maybe moaned a bit with the rectal thermometer, but it was more like a "Hey lady, I thought we were flirting here...what the hell?" Even during the chest x-ray the tech was expalaining that he was probably going to cry, but that was what she needed in order to get a picture of his lungs expanded. So we sat there and he just kept looking at her and smiling...no cry. "Well...uhmmm, I need him to cry...."

He was a huge hit with the ladies, as usual. The nurses kept comng in saying, "I was told I had to come in here to check out the looker in this room" and Ben would shine on cue with his big blue eyes and gorgeous smile.

Back from X-ray... wait.... wait.... student comes back in..."X-ray looks fine, you guys can go"
(wheeze, hack)
Nurse comes in... "Good news, viral bronchialitis... you guys can go"
(Hellloooo... we already new that....I told the first 5 people who wandered in and out of our room that we knew that... he is having trouble breathing and is not responding to breathing treatments!!!!)
"Do I do the treatments or not?"
"Well, like they said it doesn't appear to be helping, but if you think it helps, then there is no harm"
(I DON'T THINK IT IS WORKING... THAT IS WHY I AM IN THE ER!!!!!)
"If he spikes a temp, check up with your regular MD"
(And when he starts turning blue I will call 911)

So now I am listening to my little old man wheezing in his sleep... ahhhh yet another sleepless night....

They Called

102.1 fever

Trip to MD and $25 later
Strep
Bronchitis

Walgreens
Amoxicillan
Prednisone
Albuterol
Halloween pencil for Max
Toll house ice cream cookie bar thingys for me

Home
Amoxicillan- down the hatch
Prednisone-down the hatch
Mike : "You mean he actually likes the medicine?" ( Must he jinx everything?)
Ben shudder
- moment -
Ben shudder
Ben projectile vomits amoxixillan, prednisone, popsicle, apple sauce and socks.
Call Karen
Me: "Is she fucking serious? How the hell am I supposed to give this 2x a day for 4 days?"
Karen: "She's not.. have you tried it?"
Me: "No"
Karen: "Try it"
Me: "No"
Karen: "T R Y I T ! ! ! "
Me slightly tapping surface of medicine and placing on my tongue - shudder
Me: "Mike try this"
Mike: "No"
Me: "Try it"
Mike: "No"
Me: "T R Y I T ! ! ! "
Mike - shudder

Create some sort of Prednisone and grape jelly shot with Pepsi chaser
Get approximately 1/4 of the amount I am supposed to get down his throat down while he viloently keeps shaking his head no and slapping my hands out of his face.

10 months old and he will never trust me again....

And how was YOUR weekend?

Got an email from her wondering how my weekend was... since it seemed to sum it up quite well I am copying my response here:

The joys of a close family of young boys,

Max- Friday night and Sat AM- sick vomitting
Ben: Sat 6:30 AM- decided to join the party
Me: Sat 12:00, I can't let my boys party alone...
Sunday... appear to be better... until 1AM last night Ben wakes up all congested now with a 101 temp....
Every one wakes up this morning (on approx 4 hrs sleep) appearing to be fine with no vomitting, or fever... just congestion... I am waiting for the call from the daycare telling me I have to go pick them up......
And your weekend?

Reason #72 why I am a bad parent

So we get a call from daycare, Max has thrown up once. If he throws up again, he will need to be picked up.
(Please don't throw up....Please don't throw up)

20 minutes later

He has to be picked up....
My initial thought....

"Damnit.... it's a brand new car"

HE fixed it!

God finally fixed the air conditioning in Houston!!
We can actually take one step outside without immediatey becoming drenched in sweat!

Yes, it's time again.....

Yes, ladies and gents...
The time has come once again to bring out our dark side and display it to the entire neighborhood. I have jumped on his band wagon and allowed my home to once again become that "Hallloween House" on our block for one month. I do this because one month later he allows me to try and compete with all the Christmas decorations in our neighborhood.
So here is the begining of his master plan... I say beginning because the majority of the final touches (fire torches, fog machine, talking skull, etc) do not go out until the actual day of Halloween in fear that the neighborhood kids will take off with his prized possessions (that and if he keeps the torches burning for one month, he just might burn the house down)
Please forgive the foggy pics as I haven't figured out how to take pics in the dark without them coming out one big blur.....

Happy Blog Day!

So I have been blah blah blahging for one year today. And to add the sprinkles on top of the cake, this is my 150th blog post!!
I have never kept any journal for longer than a couple of months so this has been quite an accomplishment for me. I always loved the idea of a journal... I would love to start, usually at the beginning of the year or the begining of the school year. I would love the journey of finding the journal. Beautiful little books with pretty pictures or with a soft leather cover. I loved the blank pages, so many possibilities, so much space to let loose, be free, cry, scream, create. This great friend with no judgements that you can tell your most precious secret thoughts. Thoughts that felt amazing to get on to paper. I can remember some journal entries, writing so fast, like I was going 150 miles an hour in a red corvette of emotion, unable to find the breaks, my heart pumping, my temp rising... and then slowly... once the emotional release was there... coming to a close. I would sometimes write for pages and pages saying the same thing until I could finally feel relief, take deep breaths and exhale completely.
I love going back and visiting her... reading her words for the first time and rediscovering that moment. Wishing I could walk through time, back to her room as she is frantically writing in that beatiful journal and tell her, "Oh honey, you a have no idea what is coming up on this journey. You will barely remember this moment." And then there are those entries... the ones where it is exactly the same words from entry to entry, year to year. That same wish, need, prayer. That one thing that time cannot seem change. That one path that you haven't figured out how to walk down yet. It seems so easy, the determination right there in black and white on the page, and yet you realize days, months, years down the journey that the path is not a long straight road, but rather a circle that you haven't figured out how to break away from. Circles are powerful entities. That is why things that you want and need to remain solid are symbolized in circles. But when you try to break the circle, sometimes you find that you only made the circle bigger rather than actually breaking the spell.
I love this journal. I have cherised every stroke and every tear and every smile and every pictire. Sometimes my hands feel like they are swirling in water as my thoughts are pounded out on this keyboard. I feel it calling me when I need to capture and share a thought or moment. I have grown emotionally and spiritually, thanks to this journal. I have found people hundreds of miles and continents away to share this blah blah blahging journey with and I have enjoyed witnessing their own journeys. I have reconnected with friends that time and distance have taken away from me.
A truly happy day on this anniversary....a truly happy day.

No it is not for me....but.....

Apparently, this is more me. The Chevy HHR as shown below is for a size 0 model and her small chihuahua, Pepe.
Mike kept hesitating everytime I said, "okay... we are going to get it" ... and I got pissed that he wouldn't play my game. Turns out, he was trying his best not to disappoint me. All day long I kept scouring the freeways looking for any sign of an HHR. As soon as we got there tonight, I basically walked right past them and on to the Equinox section. I looked at the sticker price and walked back to the HHRs and tried to convince myself that is was the right decision for our family... just couldn't. The sales guy told Mike that we could "probably work out a deal" with the same bottom line... and to my shock, they basically did. I told him straight out that it was late, my children were 2 hours past their bedtime and we would not and could not and could not go past "x" amount. We would not play games and we would walk away. He left and and came back with the board game and dice... We said never mind and started to leave..."Wait, wait... let me see what we can do" I reminded him that we were not able to bleed the turnip anymore.. our budget was already stretched before this purchase.. he came back with "x" + $15 and we gave in...
So now I have my very first car payment and and my very first brand new car. I have always been blessed with a very generous father who shows his love by paying off his car and giving to you, rather than trading it in on a new car for himself. But now, he is gone and so I must be an adult... well Mike must be the adult becuse he pays the bills....
It is just so pretty......

So whaddya think... is it me?

 

So after yet another breakdown, I give in...we need a more reliable car. We looked around in our price range (which is basically nothing)and came across this. I kinda like it in a funky sort of way. I sent Mike tonight to test drive it and see what he thinks and he came back with an offer that we think just might be doable in our budget (given 1-2 ramen meals a week). I am gonna sleep on it and see...

Go to sleep

Go to sleep....
Go to sleep..........

What the hell is my problem??

Hurricane Rita: Sunday 7 PM

So sad....
We were checking up on our patients to see where people were and whether or not they needed a home visit tomorrow.
One of our patients... the most critical and the one we were most in need of executing an evacuation plan, died en route to a facility in San Antonio.
Just so sad.....

Hurricane Rita: Friday 10 PM

Okay...(big sigh of relief)

The positive side of Rita:

Lovely weekend with family
Got the house clean
Cleaned out the gutters
Friends and family safe

Lots of junk food in the pantry.....

 
Apparently we were banking on sustaining life for 4 adults and 5 small children with Chef Boyardee, chips and fruit roll-ups.....

Hurricane Rita: Friday 11 AM

I must stop watching the damn TV. Between the constant stopping and rewinding of the the radar, the ticker at the bottom of the screen, watching all of the miserable people who have been stuck in their cars for 10-20 hours.... I am getting dizzy.
My heart is absolutely broken for the Bus that burst into flames killing 24 patients. We had a patient at that nursing home. I am sure she was not one of the ones that was included in that bus, but just the idea of these poor helpless people who cannot function without assistance... exhausted from an 18 hour journey and trapped by fire. It is just so sad.
It is hard to pray for a storm to go away knowing that it just means that it is now going to be on the doorstep of soemone else who is not prepared. It is hard to exhale and put your gaurd down, when they keep saying they really have no idea. It is hard to say thank goodness we are on the "clean" side of the storm when the clean side is gonna get 50-75 mile/hour wind.
We are still staying here. We have plenty of supplies. My home is structured in a way that it is still considered to be relatively safe.

HUrricane Rita: Thursday 1 PM

I am starting to slowly exhale....
It looks like it is going to continue to track further East. It is still one hell of a storm, but the anxiety of should we stay or should we go has subsided. It is very difficult to go anywhere now, so we really don't have a choice but to stay. This has been a really great excuse to re-decorate. I spent the majority of last night preparing our offices, then today preparing the house and taking all the important pictures and paperwork ad plaing them in a plastic bin to grab in case we do decide to leave, or in case we do have damage at least the stuff I really care about can be in boxes and in the central part of the house protected.
In college we had a fire at my house and I lost everything. Since then, I do understand the importance of stuff just being stuff, but the idea of losing everything again was overwhelming. Trying to re-build.. again.
I know that we are not out of the clear just yet.
I have a headache
My stomache and shoulders are in knots
Up and down ... up and down....

Hurricane Rita: Thursday 9 AM

Dear God.....

Well, It looks like the track is going East, which means that the eye should not go directly over our house! As of right now, we have decided to stay. If it continues to get worse and continues to go East we will head south to Corpus. We were going to go to Dallas to my cousin's, but it currently takes 13 hours to go a distance that normally takes 45 minutes. It may be the wrong decision, but the idea of taking 5 children 5 and under on a 18-20 hour journey with no ability to exit and take a break is impossible.
We have secured our house and have plenty of supplies to make it for several days. We are walking distance to freeway and a police station.
That is right now.... we will see....

He did it!!!

Look what happens when you poo poo in the potty at our house.....




















Max's new Big Boy Bike!!!!

Pitter Patter

There is just something about the pitter patter of small feet on the floor... in the middle of the night...looking for you... because they need a hug....

I am in love.... true love.....

Not lost... just exhausted

Max... pee pee in the potty....poop everywhere else... "big boy bike" bribe not working...
Ben... 9 months old... refuses to move.... sits up amazingly and can do this Tai Chi stretch to reach anything around him. If it is too far away he pouts, flirts, or cries until someone will respond. If no one responds..."I didn't need to play with it anyway..."
Mike... who? Oh yeah my husband... still sleeping next to me at night...never seem to be in the same room at the same time.... I am making dinner... he is feeding Ben.... He is changing Ben... I am following Max around, "You need to ppop on the potty? You wanna just sit down and read a book?".... we meet up at night....lay flat on our backs exhausted and hold hands as we go to sleep....
Me... work...conferences...
... too tired to finish... Mike is snoring... I want to go hold his hand....
Will be more cheerful when the sun comes up....

When you just have to do something...

I did something... it was nothing compared to what has been done or what will be done...but if everyone does just something...all those somethings will add up and mean something to someone....

Last Sunday night I turned the TV on and saw the massive storm on the TV. My heart just sank. I knew how horrible it was going to be. I just started praying for these poor people.
And it was... it was horrible. And it just kept getting worse...
I like may people were moved to help... not just "Oh I should really do something to help..." or "I was planning to give a donation, but I never really got around to doing it".
These people were flooding into my city, seeking refuge and having nothing. I started to pray. Please God... help me help you. Tell me where you need me and I promise I will do anything to help.
Then it came together. We own a home care agency that specializes in wounds and ostomies. We help people who are not sick enough to be in the hospital, but if they do not get assistance, they will be in the hospital. Ostomy supplies are not urgent supplies except for those people who need them. So I start asking our nurses, would they be willing to help if I couls get something organized. Everyone I spoke to said yes. I call vendors and other local nurses who specialize in this field... and again, a positive result all around.
Okay God.. I got the idea... I have the supplies... how do I get it to those who need it? I start calling...and calling and calling... busy signals.. "no, I am not sure what you should do, try calling (this) number.." and again, busy signals.
Doubt...maybe I was wrong...
"Rebecca, Jerri from Texas Healthspring on line 2...."
"Rebecca... I need a favor... Dr. Underwood our VP is down at the Astrodome working. She called because they have no ostomy supplies whatsoever... is there anyway you guys could help them out?"
My heart flew through the roof... with tears in my eyes I took all the information on how to get into the Dome and where to go. My mother spent the afternoon packing up all the supplies in a way that would make them easier to find and use. I load the car up with at least 10 large boxes of medical supplies.
One last prayer... how do I get there... they have made it very clear that they do not want anyone coming down to help and it is very difficult to get inside. It is also very dangerous. People have been raped, mugged and had their cars stolen. I call "my second family" to see if TJ is available to come with me for protection/assistance. Dad answers the phone and says..."No... I'll go with you" Not to give to much away (for his privacy)... but let's just say he has a badge and can carry a gun. I pick him up and we are off.
I am so nervous. My body is shaking, my stomache is turning... I'm scared...I'm excited... I don't want to get this far just to be turned away. I call one of our nurses who has made it inside the Dome and is walking up and down aisles looking for people who need what I am bringing. I call the Doc who called us and said, "Give me the buzz words to get me in..."
We get to the Dome and before we even enter the parking lot there are hundreds of people just walking around, standing around, holding signs with family names on them. Every entrance is closed with lots of police and flashing lights. I start to get frustrated.
Once again, God made sure I had the right help in the car with me. All of a sudden, Dad pulls out his badge and places it on the dashboard in clear view of the officers. The officers wave us over. I give him the buzz words and magically...we are in.
I walk through the Arena (a smaller venue which has opened since the Dome is full). I just want to weep. There are cots after cots after cots full of people. They are exhausted, they are dirty with sweat and mud. It smells of urine and feces. There was a group of small children playing tag and I just wanted to grab them in my arms, take them home, soak them in a hot bubble bath and put them to bed.
I walk through the triage area where people are trying their best to get people treated as soon as possible, whether it is a small scrape or a wheelchair bound person who probably has developed massive wound because they have been sitting for days. I find where I am suppose to deliver the supplies and we unload them.
I call our nurse who is at the Dome to tell her the supplies are here and what we brought. It is hard to hear her, so I tell her I am going to write it up and come to her.
We drive over to the Dome and I go into the Medical triage area there. It is located down a very large ramp that is usually used for massive trucks bringing stuff in and out of the Dome. I walk down this very long and very steep ramp and my view is the enitre field as if I were standing behind the goal posts. Thousands and thousands of people lying on cots. People up in the stands sitting. People laying on mounds which hold their last few possessions they have clutched on to through evacuation, flood, and a long ride to a city that is not their home. People with signs, again walking in circles and up and down the aisles looking for their familes. Faces sunken in from mental & physical exhaustion, hunger & dehydration. There are just no words.
I went home to my air conditioned home and held my children, and kissed my husband and my mother. I spent all day today going through my closets. I urge you to go through yours.
The political and celebrity bandstanding is just words... go ahead... blow off steam... because it doesn't mean a damn thing to the 90 year old women lying on her cot or the 2 month old baby who just got her 1st bottle in several days.

Little Miracles

About 10 years ago I bought the coolest little box. It was called "Little Miracles". Inside are little cards with thoughts, quotes, lyrics, etc. to open whenever you need a little miracle. I have kept it in my bedside table and it has never let me down when I have needed a little hope or inspiration. I thought I would start sharing my little miracles with you... just in case you needed one...


So here is what I pulled out today:



So maybe I have been focusing way too much on the ending of things... I have 2 very beautiful evergreens that are growing way too fast and I need to start focusing on them. I would like to open myself up to more evergreens... not the kind with diapers and late night breast feeding, but other opportunities to grow and fill my soul. I am very empty. The past few years have been a whirl wind of fast moving rivers filling my soul then quickly emptying out into the large ocean of life. Things go through my soul so quickly and with so much intensity that the only thing I focus on are the marks, scars and debris that is left in my banks after the rapids passed. I want to slow the river down so I can have the opportunity to camp out on my banks, enjoy the view, fill my soul with good times, inspiration, and lots of pictures of the evergreens.

Is it possible to have an "Aha" moment and a "what the f*&%" moment in a 6 hr time frame?

Why yes... yes it is....

My "Aha" moment:
So I have been at a conference for the past 2 days. It is a working conference for a state wide quality initiative collaborative...blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.. I will give you a moment to catch up from the boringness of that statement. The point of this conference was to pick from a list of quality issues that you are willing to focus on over the next 15 months so that the state can take the data from over 1500 other home care agencies to see if issues are an agency issue or a government issue.
THANKS FOR HANGING IN THERE... I promise that there is a self reflective moment coming...
So I am in a working portion of this conference were we decide which issue we are going to do and what we are going to do about it. There are 4 members on our team... 4 very strong highly opinionated women. Of course we all want to focus on something different. My debating hat comes out and I am prepared to fight to the death until all parties not only join my opinion, but verbalize how much better my opinion is from their opinion. The debate gets heated and I start feeling my blood pressure and pulse rise, along with my tone and volume. I am seriously fighting now. And like a light switch, everything cools down. I sit back and ask myself," what the hell are you doing? Do you really care this passionately about what you are talking about or are you just pissed because they won't say you are right?" This is not that important. This is not a deal breaker. This is not life or death, so what the hell are you doing signalling the fight or flight adrenaline button for? Perhaps we should save this energy for more important things?


6 Hours Later

My what the f*&% moment:
So 2 months and some change after my accident, I get a call from my insurance company. Apparently the car in front of the car that I hit is suing for damages, bodily injury, and "pain & suffering".... for not just one, not just two.... but for 5 PEOPLE... two of which were children. They did not bother to make a claim with my insurance company, they went straight to a lawyer. They would not agree to bring their car in for inspection until yesterday. I am so upset I could just cry. No one left the scene in any distress... no one had their car towed except for me and that was only because the radiator was leaking and I was not allowed to drive it. I ask her what happens now? She says they look at the accident as a whole then make an offer. Apparently the decision is made based on total damage. My car had a lot of damage, she says, however the car directly in front of me had minor damage...$800 or so. I remind her that my car did not sustain "alot" of damage...it is a very expensive import and what was damaged costs a lot to replace. "Well, that's true..."
"Listen... bottom line...I take full responsibility for the accident... I screwed up... I admit that.... but if the car in front of me only sustained minor bumper and grill damage how the hell could I have caused major bodily injury and pain and suffering to 5 people in a Honda civic? Can 5 people fit in a Honda civic???"
"Ma'am... please do not worry... we will fight this... this is very common... We are not afraid to take them to court, but I do not think that will be necessary."
I am just upset because it is not fair... that's right, ladies and gentleman... I am sitting on the floor with my legs crossed pouting because someone is taking advantage of the situation. And I am going to have the ghost of this experience haunting me forever.... it will raise my premiums and brand me as a risk because I was involved in a major car accident that injured 5 people. Five people who walk away with 40% of some ridiculous amount of money that will end up paying all the doctors, x-rays, chiropractic bills, physical therapy and psychotherapy that was arranged through the lawyers' doctors to prove just how bad their injuries were!!!!
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. THIS WAS NOT A MAJOR ACCIDENT.... THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULDN'T DRIVE AWAY WAS ME....I lost my father's car. I am now driving my sister's old truck with cracked windshield, window washers that don't work, a window that won't roll down, a gas gauge that doesn't work even after I fill it with $50 worth of gas every week because the mileage sucks. My father's car wasn't worth much according to the insurance, and there is no way Mike and I can afford to purchase a new car when we are already living paycheck to paycheck.
I get it.... I f&^%ing get it....STOP....I AM ON MY KNEES.... I am up to my eyebrows in lessons right now....let's just resolve this one so I can start peeling the skin off the mountain of potatoes outside my mess tent of lessons.

Peter

On my 15th birthday, my sister paid ofr me to get a haircut. It was with this really cool guy that she had been going to named Peter. That was fifteen years ago. Since then, my mother sister and I have been to see him 3, 4 even 5 times a year. It is an hour that we look forward to for weeks (because in that 15 years he has gotten very popular and sometimes it takes that long to get an appointment). He has made us beautiful through weddings, births, even deaths. Right before I left for New York, I made hima promise that if I ever made it famous and was going to a big awards ceremony, I was going to fly him in to to do my hair.
That little dream will never come true.
He died on Thursday. He was 39 years old. He was such a fabulous guy! He was married for 15 years and had a beautiful little 4 year old girl.

He was so damn cool.... death pisses me off sometimes!

Passing the Cross

I started writing this back in June, but could never get the words to come out until recently...


 

The night of my father's wake, my very dear friend, Allison, walked in the room with tears flowing. I had spoken to her many times since his death, but I had not actually seen her yet. She walked up to me unable to clearly speak through the tears and shoved the above cross in my hand. She said that it was a clutching cross, to help me through the hard times over the next few days, weeks, months. It had been her and Todd's (her husband) to clutch onto during their times of grief, but now it was for me.
I loved that cross. I never let it go that night and carried it with me the entire next day. Sometimes I held it so tight that it left an impression in my hand and made my knuckles hurt from the pressure. I kept it in my jewelry box on my bathroom counter and would take it out occasionally just to hold it and pray. It just felt good to hold it...the way the curves just caress your hand, you'd swear someone was holding it. I loved that Allison had said that I could keep it, because I just knew that I would have it forever as a memory of her love and the strength that it gave me during a time of such amazing sorrow.
That was until recently.
I got a phone call that Brent, another very good friend's sister had passed away. She was young and it was unexpected and because of her past, it was full of amazing sorrow and regret and guilt. I instantly connected with the pain. I knew where he was. I ached in my bones for the feelings that I knew he was experiencing. I cried for his wife Christina, also a dear friend, because I knew how hard it is to see someone you love in so much sorrow and grief. Allison called and said that Christina was going to give the eulogy. She said she was going to come over to her house to practice getting the words out. I asked if she would mind if I came in support. Sometimes you just need a witness to sit there and listen. As I was getting ready to go, I glanced down into my jewelry box and saw the cross. It no longer belonged to me. It didn't fit my hand anymore. I gave Christina the cross that night. She held it as she shook with tears reading a letter that her husband had written to his deceased sister but did not have the strength to read himself. She read that letter several times that night, each time holding the cross a little tighter and and speaking a little stronger.
Brent and Christina.... I am so sorry for this unexpected journey in your life. I hope that all the love and strength and experience which lives in that cross, help your hearts as you walk down this very long and difficult road.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

You would've been 60 years old today.
Hope you got a good tee time.

It just hurts....

It just really really really hurts. Mike and I bought a video camera shortly after Max was born. It is a dual video/digital camera that until this past Christmas (when we got a digital camera) we used for all of our pictures. For some reason the memory card was not able to be downloaded for several months. We had a years worth of pictures on it that we never downloaded.... a lot of Max's first 1st's (1st haircut, first foods) and the last pics of my father the April before he died in June. Shortly after we got the digital camera, I realized that I could switch the memory card and download all the pics...WHICH I SWEAR I DID. But for some reason I never deleted the pics.
Here is where I want to toss my cookies...
This weekend as we were packing up for Konner's birthday party, Mike asks me, "you said you downloaded these pics, right?" I said yes...I sorry sack of hoo hah, mother flunker, bastard, bull cradle, a-wipe said YES....
Michael deleted the pics...all 100 or so....
When I realized what he had done, I lost it... ugly, nasty, said things you don't mean, had to grieve and sulk in private for over an hour kind of lost it.
I know that if it was meant to be I would have them. I know that I have so many pictures that I do not know what to do with them. I know that I have the curls, the actual beautiful red curls that were cut that day and that is more important than a picture of it.
My dear sweet husband... I am sorry that I lost it with you. I could see in your eyes the horror that I felt. I know that you took most of those pictures and feel their loss as much as I do.

Happy Birthday, Woobie!

My adorable baby nephew is 1 year old today! I am so honored to have this adorable child in my life. This little angel was not "planned" for our family, but we thank God every day for his unexpected arrival. There were many times when my sister said that she didn't think they were going to have anymore children after Kameron & Kaitlyn, and yet I cannot imagine their family without Konner in it. He has the face of an old soul, hair like silk, innocent untouched blue eyes, and a smile that lights up a room. He is so full of love. He has been holding and hugging our necks since he was four or five months old. I have had so much fun watching you this first year, and I cannot wait for many more to come!
Happy Birthday, Konner!

For all you Harry Potter fans out there....

Since I am currently reading the newest edition, I thought I might post this little diddy for those of you out there to explore in your own wizarding minds.... (I must admit.. my peacock feathers ruffled pretty high to see these results for myself!)



Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Zen Buddist Chant Morning

I usually do not have the radio on when the kids are in the car. Yesterday morning was no different, except we had music of a different kind.
(Total Silence)
Ben: (quietly and in mono tone) e-e-e-e-e-e-e-
(Silence)
Ben:(a little louder) e-e-e-e--ah-ah-ah-ah-e-e-e-e-ah-ah-ah-ah-ooo-ooo--ooo---ah-ah

(I look in the rear view mirror and see Max hiding his head into the side window)

Ben: (real loud) E-E-E-E-E-E-AHHHHHHHH-E-E-E-E-AHHHHHHHHHHH
Max: (real quiet) e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.........

Is this a problem?

We have already booked our Disney World Vacation for a year from now.
It has been booked for about 2 months.
I am already planning the trip.
Like...how we are going to get there...(RV)...what we will pack...if we "RV" then we could save money by buying groceries here... I wonder how many times we will eat in vs. eat out.. I could always make a big pot of ZITI that could last us a couple of meals....blah blah blah....
Is this a problem?

Oh.. "happy" day...

Max starts day off on naughty wall...
Ben fussy from vaccines yesterday...
Walk outside to a pool of radiator fluid...
Take kids to school...
Take car to mechanic...
Get to work... 15 new referrals...(usually 1 maybe 2)
Get call from mechanic...$1000
Get call from school... Ben running 102 temp and throwing up...
Bird nose-dives into mother's car while on the way to pick up Ben... suicide...
Go get Ben from school to find out they didn't give scheduled tylenol (for vaccine)which is why he is running fever...
Have to pull Max out of classroom birthday party because I won't be able to make it back since I do not have a car... (you can imagine how well my 2 year old took that)
Drop kids off at home.. Mike shows up so I can go back to work...
Get call from friend to tell me that other friend thinks we are bad friends...

... oh happy day...

...and tomorrow I get to go to court in the hood for the ticket from the accident where I totaled the other car...w o o h o o .....

Public Toilet Seats

I have just about had it...
I am sick of you ladies... and you know who you are... Ladies who (as my mama would say) "sound like a cow pissing on a flat rock"....ladies who are so scared to sit on public toilet seats because your ass germs are so much more sacred than the rest of us... so much so that the reason it is disgusting to sit on public toilet seats is beacuse of those of you who hover ten feet off the ground and spray your sacred ass germs all over the seat! And you know it is you... because if it had been the remains of the dirty ass who sat on the seat, it would be smeared... but no... it is a perfect round freshly laid bubble of sacred ass germ, straight from your ass.... the ass that has just walked away thankful that her sacred ass didn't get contaminated with dirty germs, but who has no concern to turn around, check for her own sacred germs, and WIPE THE SEAT!!
.. Goodness gracious, no.... then those dirty germs might touch those sacred hands that you didn't bother to wash when you grabbed the handle of the door to walk out of the bathroom with your sacred ass germs all over them ....

SIT...YOUR...ASS...DOWN......(on pretty paper laid delicatly on the seat if you have to...)

He is still just 2...

(TV commercial blaring between Jimmy Neutron & Spongebob)
Max: Mommy look... dinosaurs!
Me: I know.. how cool! It's a movie at the IMAX.
Max: (frown) no mommy... I Max...
Me: Yes, baby, you are Max.. but the dinosaurs are at the movies..remember the big TV with the popcorn? It's called IMAX.
Max: (angry frown) YOU MOMMY... I - MAX!!
Me: ... Yes baby... you are right... you're Max....

One of My Worst Mommy Fears

So, one of my worst mommy fears came true on Friday.
We have already established in previous posts that I tend to be a Shirly McLaine, "Terms of Endearment" type mom. One of my biggest fears is not hearing them in the shower or when I am drying my hair. I always check on them right before and right after these activities. I just know that if their little worlds are going to come crashing down,I am sure that it is going to happen during this brief time.. okay.. maybe not too brief, I do have a lot of hair, after all. I am sooo paranoid that I truly believe that I hear things through the hair dryer noise and I am constantly cutting the hair dryer off, listening for chaos, then continuing with my beauty ritual.
Friday the ritual occurs as usual, only this time, my fear comes true. I cut off my hair dryer to hear Max wailing in the living room. I run into the room to find him face down on the floor, nothing moving except his head which is emitting the <"This really hurts" wail and not the "I fell again and I want to see if I can con mommy out of a popsicle" whine. I swoop him up into my shoulder to comfort him. I pull him away so that I can ask him what hurts and he flips out because my shoulder is not covered in blood.
Oh, shit...please don't let this be bad...
We calmly go to the kitchen so that I can clean him up and see where the blood is coming from. Luckily, the majority of the damage is just snot and tears mixed wit the blood that is coming out of his nose. Nothing broken, nothing harmed...thank goodness.
This could have led me to one of my other fears...having to call an ambulence when you are naked and dripping wet. 'Cause if you had to call the ambulence while you are still naked and wet, then it is serious enough that you can't walk away from the patient long enough to get dressed... but I will leave this dilema for another post.

I love Tarot

I am The World The World represents the moments when we feel fulfilled and blessed and all that goes into them. It is a very positive sign that you are in a position to realize your heart's desire. What that is for you depends on the situation, but it will always feel great. Remember, though, that Card 21 is a symbol of active contribution and service. To hold the World in our hands, we must give of ourselves to it. That is the source of true happiness. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

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