Goodbyes suck....

So today is the last day Max and Ben will be at the only school they have every known. It is the place they have been since they were babies. Even when we moved 20 minutes away, we chose to keep them at the same school because it was just that great to us and it was still on my way to and from work, so a little detour was worth it. But now that Max is starting kindergarten, we have to change to a place that can bus him to and from public school. We found a place that is literally less than a mile from our house, so they will transition there starting Monday. We wanted to have a few weeks before school started so Max could have the chance to make friends with the same kids that he will be going to school with this year.

I started talking about this change shortly after Max's graduation. We would drive by Max's elementary and the new daycare and IO would point it out and the boys would ask questions, but it would quickly pass to a different conversation. Then last week we stopped by the new daycare and walked around and let them play on the new playground, just so they could see the place before being left, and they were excited, they wanted to start right away... No... 2 weeks.... you will start here in 2 weeks.....

Beginning of this week, Max asked if he could have a goodbye celebration at school and bring flowers to all the teachers. I said we could pick up a nice cake and cards for the teachers and that seemed to satisfy him. Everyday he was a little more anxious - is today the last day? No - 3 more days... oh, okay....

Well, last night, I was making the cards for the teachers. I had taken a bunch of pictures of them since birth and collage them into a thank you card. They were both very excited and loved looking at the cards. The next thing you know, Max's mood shifts and he sits down and says,
Mommy... I just want to go to work with you tomorrow.
What?
Let's just drop off the cake and cards and then... I don't wanna stay.. uhm... I just wanna go to work with you.
(The anxiety of goodbye was weighing very heavy on him)
Oh, honey... don't you wanna play with your friends and say goodbye?
No mommy (almost in tears) can't we just leave it and go?
Oh, pumpkin, goodbyes are so hard, I know they are, but ya gotta tell people how much you are going to miss them and let them know how happy you are to have them as a friend. And we will try to come and visit when we can...
Everyday? Will we visit everyday?
We can't visit everyday.
Every 3 days?
Oh honey - we will visit when we can.

This morning was a mix of anxiety and excitement. Anxious to say goodbye and excited to present the big cake to the teachers and hand out their special cards. For me, it was very important to let these people know how grateful we were to have them be such an important part of Max and Ben's lives, and how much they are going to be missed. I got teary eyed when I left, but I am trying very hard not to make it harder for Max and Ben.

Funny.... I cried and cried the first time I dropped them off and drove away to go back to work... and now I am crying and crying to take them away......

Go west!

visited 24 states (48%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or determine the next president

Until the most recent trip to California, I had never been further West than San Antonio, Texas. I pretty much have the Eastern Seaboard and the Gulf Coast under control thanks to driving trips to New York and Florida - just have to finish off the tips of Maine and Rhode Island.

I gotta start heading North and West......

Did you really just say that?!?!

Things I have heard or read in the past few days:

I pass a church on the way to work that always has one of those clever biblical sayings like, if you think it's hot now, try hell.... or something like that... Well, this week has the following inspiration:

Don't be so open minded, your brains will fall out!


Uhm, yeah....

And then while relaxing in my bed watching the evening news, a popular car dealership has a commercial with it's typical spokesperson trying to sell their big heavy duty trucks and SUVs....

"We are slashing prices on all of our over stock.... when you are buying our trucks for this little, you will be able to afford hundreds of gallons of gas!"

Did he just pathetically beg me to buy his truck that they KNOW is a gas guzzler and try to justify it with if your payments are low, the horrible gas prices won't seem that bad?!?!

The ONE thing about the 80's that I miss

Oh how I wish that 80's big hair was still en vogue.

Last week at the wedding I was going for a curly curly nod to Mae West look. There is only one invention that has come along that gets me the fabulous curly big hair.... and not just any curly hair... hair that stays curly all night without falling the moment I walk out of the bathroom.



I thank Richard Caruso and his fabulous Molecular steam roller system for all those fabulous curls. I have a machine that I have been using for 20 YEARS..... you read that right people 2-0 YEARS!! I couldn't find a pic of my boxy purple and pink one, only the newer fancy schmancy red ones, but you get the idea.....

Just look at all that volume.....



Look at those curls.....




Sigh..... because what I really want is Oprah's hair.....

The NEW Scooby Doo has been cast

In the car on the way to school while eating their scooby-doo fruit snacks...

Ben: I'm shaggy
Max: I'm Freddy - mommy can I be Freddy?
Mommy: Uhm, sure....
Max: You can be the girl with the dresses, because you like dresses and you like to dress up.
Mommy: Okay, thanks!
Max: And grandma....Grandma can be the one with the glasses because she doesn't see very well.
Mommy: (laughing out loud now) uh, okay....
Ben: What about daddy?
Max: He can be Scooby doo.

I luv this site....

moar funny pictures

Have I ever mentioned how much I love this site?

Flying Elephants, Weddings, and Belly Dancers....Oh My!!!

Well.... what an adventure we had in California!

We arrived on Monday with little excitement. Tuesday we decided to jump right in and head to Disneyland. I have to say it was perfect for the age of our family. It had just what we could do ( and tolerate) with a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old.

Wednesday, we headed to the beach, Corona Del Mar. This is where I got it... I got the California bug. The stunning beautiful beach houses over looking the amazing beaches while looking at the gorgeous sail boats in the distance. Every house had been featured on HGTV or in Better Homes and Gardens. The flowers were breath taking and in perfect bloom. And did I mention that it felt like the air was air conditioned??? And it was July 2nd?!?!?! That night we headed into West LA to have dinner at a Moroccan restaurant. They had a belly dancer there and everyone was tipping her. We were trying to get all the kids to get up and dance with her, but no one would move. I leaned over to Ben and asked if he would dance with her and he said, "No, mommy, I can't!! She is sooooo beautiful!"

Thursday we headed to San Diego. On the journey there the temp went from 85 to 68 to around 72 once we got to the zoo. It was quite an experience. I expected the up and downhills, but I did not expect the steep mountain climbing. It wasn't until half way through the day that I realized the map lead you on paths up and down and the not so steep paths to the did you remember your rock climbing gear paths.

Friday was the wedding....oh the wedding.... it was just beautiful. Start to finish it was amazing. The boat was amazing, the theme was great, the couple was beautiful. We had an absolutely wonderful time.

Saturday we had a wedding brunch, then headed home. We were all so exhausted from our whirlwind trip that Max and I slept until 11:00 and Ben slept until NOON!!! We spent the rest of today in our pool relaxing and enjoying the last day of our vacation. I know I should have done laundry or made it to the store, but my gumption and get up was broken, so lounging in the bathing suit was the best I could do!!

See Ya!!

LA is calling and we gotta fly......

You see, we gots ourselves a fancy schmancy wedding to attend on a fancy schmancy yacht out in the bay off of LA, while two love birds gets hitched under the fireworks on the 4th of July!

And to make it even better, the attire is old Hollywood (1920-1950's). Let's just say that when I tried on my Mae West outfit and asked my mafia man if there was a gun in his pocket or if he was just happy to see me.... he was happy to see me.....

Now you people play nice this holiday or else I am gonna have to send my boys to rough you up....

Hard Lessons- Update

He was dressed before the cereal hit the table.

As we drove to school, he silently chanted, "please don't go red, please don't go red, please don't go red...." at every stop light.

As we drove in the parking lot and saw the school bus hadn't even been loaded yet, he shouted, "YES!!!" and quickly took his seat belt off and ran to his class room.

I think he got the lesson.

...for a little while.....

Hard Lessons

So Max learned a hard lesson today.

It has been a rough couple of weeks around our house. Crazy mixed up schedules with too much to do and too little time to do it in. The result of this toxic combination has been out of control children and even worse behavior.

Today was one of those mornings. One of those mornings when my voice appears to be on mute. Nothing I said was being heard, the louder I got, the worse the behavior got. Since I, too, am suffering from little sleep syndrome, I am not handling the situations in the most adult and dignified ways, either, but this is about Max today, so I digress.....

Max would not get dressed. He would not put his toys down. He would not put his breakfast dishes in the sink. He would not ________. He would not ___________. He would not __________. I could fill in those blanks all day long.

I knew he had a field trip today. HE knew he had a field trip today. He knew he was going to the movies and what movie he was seeing. He talked about it all morning in between me yelling for him to get dressed and do his chores.... he knew and I knew.... what I knew better was how to tell time and I knew that we were going to miss the field trip bus. And I did not care. I reminded him that his delays could mean the bus would leave without him, and that would put a small spark under his hiney for about 5 seconds, but then his toy truck would distract him and the vicious cycle would start over.

After 45 minutes of fighting to get out the door, we are on the way to school.

We arrive at school just in time for Max to get out of the car and watch the field trip bus drive out of the parking lot.

He collapsed to his knees in tears.

I asked him to stand up and I talked with him face to face. I reminded him that the reason he missed this field trip was because he did not follow directions and did not get dressed when mommy told him to. I told him that tomorrow was a BIG field trip to the zoo - and he better try harder tomorrow or he would miss that bus too.

He dried his eyes and walked into the school. Because all of his friends and teachers were gone, he was asked to be a teacher's helper in Ben's class - which helped brighten the situation.

I know I probably could have waved my arms like a chicken with my head cut off to get them to stop the bus. I know where the field trip was going and I probably could have driven him there myself to catch up with his friends - and I would have been a rock star in my son's eyes... but then we would have missed the point entirely.

I felt horrible as I drove away from his school because I had several ways I COULD have fixed the situation, but I chose not to.

I chose the hard road in hopes that this little event makes a big impact in his life.

It's all about me....

Here is a mosiac of me. The game is to answer the following questions by going to Flickr and placing your images into a mosaic.... so here you go:



1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

1. Rebecca Roams, 2. London Pasta Week: Day 1, 3. Bellaire, Tx Fire Dept., 4. If at first you don't succeed..., 5. Portrait: Sopranos, 6. feet and some wine, 7. evening James River sky, 8. coffee and chocolate mousse cake, 9. Bye Bye Marcel Marceau... (Ben Heine), 10. Matthew Hits the Sauce Pretty Hard, 11. ~ Light ~, 12. The Apple Peeler

10,000 Doors

I got a great email yesterday.


It won't matter that 10,000 doors might be slammed in your face because when door number 10,001 flies open, revealing pathways of jade and gardens of love, with flowers dancing, fountains sparkling, friends blushing, moonbeams beaming, and abundance abounding, you'll completely forget about all the other doors.
Happens every day,
The Universe


It made me cry. I have been very blue lately because I have been focusing on a lot of closed doors. Doors I wish, VERY MUCH, were open, or even there, but they are not. It is getting harder and harder to put my chin up and find silver linnings when everything has that dusky coat of grey.

So to catch up and not be vague -

I did not get a teaching gig again this year. I had the opportunity to apply for one very close to our house - like 3 miles. There were many great things about it, but it didn't happen and it didn't happen in such a way that made me stumble a bit in my thinking about going for this position in the future. The older I get, the less likely it will be for me to obtain this position, and the further away I get from my experience. The further away from my experience I am, the better the next resume looks. I don't look good on paper and if I can't get in the door, I can't convince them otherwise.
I will fully accept the fact that I am also not willing to compromise some details that would help tip the scales in my favor, so I can't rent the space on the cross entirely. I am not willing to travel to a smaller district up to an hour away when I have 2 small children. I am not ready to give more to the job than I am to my family life, just because of a lousy commute - my family needs me too much right now.

Things would be different if I HAD to find a job, but I don't. I WANT to find a job.

Okay... another topic clouding up my sunny days..... being a 30 something mother and wife of a young family in their poverty years.... this just sucks. I am sure I have blogged here about this before, but oh my... it just pisses me off!!! How is it possible that a young couple who makes good money lives with their heads barely above water?!?!? I nearly lost my mind once when I overheard a conversation at my daycare. The front desk was counseling a mother new to the daycare as she signed up for her government assisted daycare. "Do I have to sign up for both morning and afternoon?" - "You might as well, they pay for both anyway..." I wanted to pass out. I pay the equivilant of a home mortgage or 4 car payments to have my children here each month and they were flippantly talking about this, because, well hey..."THEY" will pay for it.

We are fine, just fine, we get along fine, everything is fine. We survive...just....fine.....

"You didn't update your blog?!?!?"

So last night, I am on the computer checking up on some blogs and my husband comes up behind me....

You didn't update your blog?!?
Excuse me?
You just left everyone hanging.. you haven't updated your blog....
What the hell are you talking about?
You talk about Ben being sick, but you didn't tell them he is better, you didn't post Max's graduation, you aren't posting!!!
Back off!!! This is MYYYYYY journal.... I don't see you updating YOUR blogs!! One hasn't been updated since 2007 and the other since 2005....so pot, this is kettle, love the new black outfit!!!

Post

I feel all weird trying to think of something to post because it has been so long since I have posted. It is not like I do not have anything to post about, because I do, but I also feel like I could wander through the past few years of archives and just re-post past posts and voila - I am reliving history, same old story different day, slightly different characters.

I am actually boring myself. I find myself not wanting to talk to people because I do not want to hear the same crap out of my own mouth.

Biggest picture issue - there is nothing going on. I am a big picture kind of person, and I cannot find joy in the moment. I enjoy working on the big picture and right now, the big picture is terribly boring. There are small things going on and events to fill the calendar, but no masterpiece is in the works right now and I am bored. And when I am bored, I am tired.

So yeah... post..... and there you have it.

Happy Mother's day!!

Happy mother's day to all the wonderful women out there!!

I earned this one. I am currently suffering from clingy mommy syndrome. Ben is doing well, but goodness gracious we are attached at the neck. The first 4 days sucked, I mean SUCKED HARD!! He would not eat, he was not drinking. My sister and I figured out that he was pretty much surviving on 200 calories a day of fruit juice in popsicles. The very little he did eat, he threw right back up in a very horrific and painful episode that had me outwardly trying to calm him while inwardly praying novenas that he would not start bleeding because I was alone and had no clue how I was gonna handle that!

Things turned around one night when the guardian angel named Grandma showed up with a soft serve ice cream cone from dairy queen. He ate every bit of it. From there we managed to get a little more and more at each meal. He is doing great now. We still have it rough when we wake up, and we still do the turtle neck when we try to swallow, but hey, we are swallowing and I am no longer concerned that each day I get a clearer picture of the structure of his rib cage and spine.

I will say, I have greatly benefited from the clingy mommy syndrome just as much as it drives me crazy. Ben will spend lots and lots of time just wanting to be held. And not just sit in your lap held, but hug holding cradling in your neck kinda holding. Nose to nose to fall asleep kind of love. Ben has never been this much of a lover. He has always been waaayyy to busy exploring his three yr old life to snuggle with mommy, so this one on one time has been very very special.

Oh and Max... my sweet, patient, kind, Max. He is the best popsicle fetcher around. The every first day that he got home after Ben's surgery, Ben sat up in his bed and said, "Good news, Max... the new doctors... they took the gunkers out! All gone!" And Max climbed into bed with him and hugged him and asked if his throat hurt, and did he need a popsicle?

This weekend, Max has been gentleman 101.... he knows it is mother's day and he is making sure to open my door everywhere we go, and he yells at daddy if he tries to go first...."Daddy!!! Ladies first!!!!" I was outside watering my plants on Friday when he got home. He ran outside for our usual hugs and kisses and then bursting with pride he says:

"Mommy.... I am not going to tell you about the surprise mommy's day cake we got....(and then he whispers)... but I will tell you it has beautiful BLUE roses!!"

..... clearly my Max is not going to be the one keep secrets in this family.....

He's great!!!!

We are already home and he is doing great!!



Everything came back normal and fine other than enlarged tonsils and adenoids and now they are all history!

Waking up from anesthesia was awful, but when the nurse asked him if he wanted to go home, he stopped crying, nodded his head and laid it on my chest.

He is being nice and following requests, "Would you like a bite of popsicle?" Nods yes, takes a small bite then gives you this look like are you happy?!? okay, no thank you, I do not want any more!

I took these pics just now... He did smile when he opened the transformer, but it was brief. I asked him to smile for the camera (out of habit) and he shook his head no and whispered, "I'm sick."

Okay, that's all for now.... off to snuggle and watch Toy Story 2!!

I've been good... considering.

So I have only cried twice. I have teared up several times and have not slept well for several days, but I have only had 2 big cries. Once when I was checking out of the grocery store looking at all the different puddings, popsicles, juices, ice cream, apple sauce, etc. that I had on the conveyor belt and I said a little prayer hoping that he would show interest in at least some of it. And one really big cry as I was putting it all away in our kitchen and I was explaining to Mike how I had cried in the grocery store.

I gotta go try and get some sleep. I have to wake up in about 5 hrs. We check in to the hospital at 7:00 and surgery is at 9:00. All prayers for an uneventful surgery and speedy recovery will be greatly appreciated!

The below picture was taken Christmas a YEAR AGO and it shows his enlarged tonsils even then - hopefully after tomorrow we will say goodbye to all the infections, colds, and fevers that have plagued my poor child most of his life!



A funny side note:

Max was having a hard time understanding the extra attention for Ben. SO I sat him down to have a one on one conversation with him. I explained to him that Ben was getting gifts and new pajamas because Ben was sick and how after going to the hospital and waking up from his nap, his throat was really going to hurt and people felt bad so they were giving him presents to make him feel better. So then off to bed everyone went and I am laying in bed and I hear the following conversation over the baby monitor:

Max: Hey Ben... ya know when you go to the doctor's work, the hospital? Well when you wake up from your nap your throat is REALLY REALLY gonna hurt!! You are not gonna be able to eat or drink....

Me: MAAAAAXXXXXXXX!!!!! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!

So I tried the talk again. I explained to him that yes, what he was saying is true, and yes, we have talked to Ben about it, but he DOES NOT need to talk about it with Ben!! Just don't worry about it!! Catch a bubble and keep it inside, okay?!?!

Max heads back upstairs and I hear the following as he is climbing back up into his bunk bed:

Max: Hey, Ben.... I am not gonna tell you how bad it is gonna hurt.... nope, it is a secret locked up in my heart... I am NOT gonna tell you!

It is still a "GO"

So they did not cancel Ben's surgery. We are a go for Monday morning at 9 AM.

We are spending the weekend talking about what is going to happen on Monday. We have explained to him that the doctor wants to take out all the gunky stuff in his throat that makes him throw up. We have told him that we are going to the doctor's work, it's called a hospital, and that he is going to take a nap and when he wakes up from his nap his throat is going to hurt, but that means that the doctor took the gunkers out and he would be all better and stop throwing up in a couple of days.

So far he is completely okay with all of it. I think he has been poked and prodded so much the past few days, that he thinks, "How bad could it be?!?"

I was right about my concerns with Max though. One of the reasons I have delayed talking about it is because Max, Mr. Questions, goes into overdrive when he doesn't understand something. And sure enough:
Mommy, what do you mean he is going to the hospital?
How does the doctor do it?
Does it hurt?
Is he going to be okay?
Is daddy going to go, or is he going to work?
Mommy, why do I have to go to school?
Mommy, I was such a good helper, you may need me, mommy, I need to be with Ben!!

All of these questions and more came in rapid succession when we were sitting down to talk about it. Luckily, Max was talking so fast that it flew over Ben's head. I explained to Max that a hospital is for adults only unless you are sick, and since he was not the one who was sick, he couldn't come, but I promised him as soon as we got Ben home, we would come get him to make sure Ben was okay.

So.... I cannot sleep. This is worse than if it were me. I am trying to keep occupied to make the time go faster. I know everything will be fine, but, Good Lord, this is hard!

Dragging it out

So apparently we will be dragging this process out slightly longer than expected.

Ben woke up this morning with fever and chills. We headed to the pediatrician and after several hours of poking prodding and labs and tears, we have found out that we have a 22,000 white blood cell count (this is very high) of unknown origin.

Yeah

This is what you like to here walking out of the MD office... something is wrong, but we don't know what it is, here is a shot, see you tomorrow!

I called the ENT - the nurse kindly took the info and said she would call me back. I don't really need her to. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it is not smart to touch him with a 10 foot pole right now. I may be wrong, but I just don't think surgery is gonna happen Monday.

I can't even think about the scenarios wandering in my head right now...

Take her to Vegas....

So you saw the story below about the magic money tree shaking in our mail.

Well, today I was opening my email thinking, ya know, I know that high school I am trying to get an interview with is state testing all this week, but she could have at least acknowledged my email from last Friday.....DING (inbox) Thanks for your letter, We are in (state tests) this week. Will get in touch at the end of the week.

Whoa... okay....

Then I was talking with Tiffanie about a situation where I didn't know if I should bring a person into my office to talk about "XYZ" or if I should just let it go.....(knock knock knock)Listen, Becky, can I talk to you about something?

Okay.....

I am relaying all these "coincidences" to Tiffanie and she responds with:

If I were you I would say "Gee it would be really great to win the lottery" then stop at the store on my way home and pick up a lotto ticket.... you are on fire right now!

So as a "joke" I stop...I bought a quick pick and a scratch off....

I won $20 off the scratch off.


....no we didn't win the lotto, but my heart was racing just a little when I went to go check the numbers just now.....

This is not a joke.....

Honestly, people, you cannot question God.

It is not up to you to question or demand or throw a temper tantrum.

The following events happened this evening with no exaggeration.

I received a wedding invitation in the mail. It is an invitation to a wedding that I have known was happening for years. It is happening far away from here over a holiday weekend. The people getting married are like my second family and have been for almost 20 years.

I need to call them. I need to call them and tell them that there is just no way we can come. We have tried to save money for months now, but we just had to dip into that money to start paying for Ben's surgery and honestly, I cannot imagine how we are going to stretch the budget further than ramen noodles and holes in our socks to accomplish this... we just have to make the adult decision and call them and let them know we cannot come.

Flip through the rest of the mail

Open check from mortgage company... our escrow account on the new house was significantly over estimated and here is the money back.... sorry for the inconvenience.

Pack your bags, boys..... we are going to LA!!

Tell me I am not crazy....

You are not crazy.

okay thanks.... now I will stop thinking almost non-stop of the upcoming surgery that I am purposely putting my 3 yr old child through in one week.
I will stop playing the game in my head how "he is sooooo gonna hate you when he wakes up next Monday".
I will stop playing the game that I don't mind if he hates me as long as he wakes up.
I will stop replaying in my head, "it was more serious than we thought" scenarios.
I will stop remembering the pain that I felt when I was an adult having this same surgery and remember that this surgery is not as serious to small kids and they bounce back like rubber bands.
I will embrace the fact I get to snuggle with him in our bed in our own environment rather than panic at the thought that they are sending me home within hours of major surgery with a three yr old who may or may not take his medicine because I may not be able to convince him that if he swallows the pain now the pain will go away in 20 minutes.
I will not spend time thinking of all the poking and prodding and cutting and tubes that they will insert into my child and rather pretend that they are merely sprinkling fairy dust over his face and "POOF" it is done!


I will stop all that... uh, huh... yeah..... I am gonna stop all that..... right now.....

But... it is done...

I didn't get dressed this weekend....

But for the first time in several weeks the house is clean, the laundry is done and PUT AWAY! I am not trapped in a cycle of laundry piling up and only doing what we need for "the next few days".

I even managed to get in a nap today and a couple of good mornings of snuggle time.

New chores

Max and Ben power washed my car clean this afternoon.

Now all we have to do is teach them how to mow the lawn.

STAGE FRIGHT?!?!?!

I suffer from horrible stage fright. I always have…. It comes from an overwhelming feeling of being under prepared. When I am confident and prepared and know what I am doing, I have no problems… but if I even have an inkling of unpreparedness (is that a word? No – thank you spell check, but I am keeping it for creative flair) I get nauseating butterflies in my stomach. It is different from nervous energy. I can handle that. I know when I am anxious and nervous. Here, I am talking about stage fright.

I am talking about this because, once again, I am trying to get hired as a teacher and this is the time when teachers get hired. I have started the interview process with one particular school and within minutes of the first phone call, I was nauseated and dizzy. STAGE FRIGHT!!! I am unprepared for this type of interview because I am a seedling in this process. I am not prepared to be a teacher because I have never taught before. It is very difficult to present yourself as confident and self assured when in fact you are not….. and I am not supposed to be because, like sex and child birth, until you have done it, you have no clue what the hell it is about!!

I don’t have issues with content. I am confident and self assured about that. My issues of course come with the teaching and the process - which has to be learned on the job. I know I don’t know the answers and I know I am unprepared which is why I am knee knocking and wanting to throw up. And I don’t like that feeling…. I like being prepared. I like being over prepared. I like have all the cards in my hand and the ability to show and share only the ones I want. I like to be rehearsed. I like to have the dialogue in my head. I like to know the rules in and out.

The fact that I am able to even talk (write) this through is very helpful. It is helping me to shut the doors to the ugly green monsters of doubt and put perspective to the feelings that I am having… I still don’t like it… but perhaps I am getting a little more perspective here.

I (Heart) Baz Luhrmann

The Red Curtain Trilogy.... Strictly Ballroom, Romeo + Juliet, and Moulin Rouge!... all directed and conceived by the Australian director Baz Luhrmann, the great brilliant mind of Baz Luhrmann. He is like a secret crush that I have. I have loved all of these movies independently, passionately, for completely different reasons, and never knew really clued in that they came from the same mind. I love that.

Strictly Ballroom.... this was my first experience into Australian humor. This love led to future loves like Muriel's Wedding, and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. There was something so pure, "committing to the joke", that I loved in this genre. I loved that the characters could be so funny, charming, vulnerable, and entertaining. There was a fell like a modern musical. The music meant something to the story not just background music meant for dramatic effect.

Romeo + Juliet ..... the first time I saw this, I said, within minutes of watching this... when I teach high school theatre, THIS is how I will introduce Shakespeare to the students. I am one of the theatre geeks who... gasp, shriek... wasn't instantly in love with Shakespeare. It was never my dream to stand on the balcony and give Juliet's speech, because, well... I didn't get it. I had never seen it. I had only been given Shakespeare on a page in an English book in high school. Well guess what...SHAKESPEARE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE READ!! He was a playwright, not a poet! Baz Luhrmann took this work, and with very little changes, made it modern and relevant. He was able to take the text and by making very specific visual/genre choices, introduce Shakespeare to an audience who may never ever have gotten the message any other way. It is quite breath taking.

Moulin Rouge!.....I saw this in New York.... several times... in the movie theater. I would sneak out of work early just to go see this. This movie made me ache to be creative again. This movie was brilliance on the screen to me. It was so different, it was so smart, it was so wonderful. It was and still is one of my favorite movies. I think of it more as a work of art than as a movie. Again - in this movie, you are taken to this fantastical place... the colors, the music, the passion, EXPLODE off the screen. From the opening sequence to the ending credits, you are never given a break.



If you haven't seen any of these, I recommend you place them on your list.... they are well worth the 2+ hours of your time......

Are you okay?

Yes, I am okay. Bekah asked me in the comments of the below post if I was okay with my baby not being a baby anymore and yes... I am. But I will say, yesterday's experience made me feel very very mature.

It was very weird being the PARENT of the student. It was very weird having the principal and the teachers come to checkout Max (and us for that matter). I all of a sudden felt like a MOM... not a mommy. I felt like I had walked into the role of a character, that I knew the lines, I knew the demeanor, but it was not me. I could not wait to get the kids to the playground at burger king and chase them and holler up the slide singing silly songs.

The other very interesting moment I had was seeing the age difference between Max and Ben very clearly for the first time in a long time. I have a very bad habit of putting those two peas in the same pod because they play so well together and well.... most if not all of my interaction with them is as a twosome. Well, when we got to the school, Max was very excited and had a lot of questions and showed great interest in everything. Ben, was shy and hid behind legs and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Max stood beside me as we navigated the lines from station to station, knowing this was for him. Ben dragged daddy outside to play on the stairs because this big school pond was way to big for such a little fish.

Another moment I do not want to forget EVER...... it was getting late, I was in the final line for the final station and there was a group of kids that was in the same area. Not really playing together, but rather, around each other. Max looked at me and asked if he could go over there... sure, baby, some of those kids are going to be your new friends, go have fun.... he runs off to run in circles with the other kids... Ben follows..... the next thing you know, I turn around and my husband has organized all these kids into a game of red light/green light. They are hanging on his every instruction and cannot wait to get their turn to be the lamp post. At one point, Mike was the lamp post and all the kids got to him at once and tackled him in uproarious laughter! Clearly my husband missed his calling to be a gym coach.....

.... my husband is a sexy fox.... did I mention that???

Big Day

Today I registered my Max for kindergarten....

this angel....



this love of my life....



this adorable sweetheart....




this pumpkin....




...has grown up and will be going to kindergarten in months. I just cannot believe it!

Happy Birthday, Riley!!

Baby Riley made it safe into this world at 4:27....

Ben's Baptism

So today we baptized Ben and my nephew Konner. In the Catholic religion, this usually happens right after birth, but "right after birth" we were still dealing with the death of my father and a whole lot of other family changes. After that, it was an embarrassment that they kept getting older, so I would just push it further and further to the back of my mind. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, we didn't invite anyone or have a party like we did with the others and ....well... honestly it boils down to the fact that with Ben's surgery coming up in 2 weeks, I just couldn't go into this process without a little extra assistance from above so to speak.

My mother was the Godmother and my uncle was the Godfather. We talked about to Ben so he would understand it was important to be a big boy and behave. I didn't want him to be scared and I wanted him to know this was a special day just for him - not him and Max - just for him. So much of his life has been in the shadow of Max, so I think he really enjoyed today, HE was the one all dressed up in the tie, HE was the one in all the pictures.



The Deacon brought them up the baptismal font and showed them what it was and not to be scared. At first the were a little worried, but then they got the hang of it.



When it came time for them to be baptized, they were so great. They did their part perfect with no complaints, and big smiles on their faces when the congregation applauded.




I have a long history with the Catholic religion, some good, some bad - it is kind of like family, it is a part of you. You may not agree with all of it, and you may only come around on holidays and special occasions, but it is nice to know it is there when you need it. Today we needed it, and I am glad it was there for me and my family.

Thank you Macy's

New Jeans: Originally $60 - got for $18
Cute new top: Originally $89 - got for $22
Another cute new top: Originally $56 - got for $7

Macy's Red Apple Sale: PRICELSSS.......


Just for the record, I might possibly be the cheapest person you know - I cannot buy retail. I worked in the fashion industry (product development) and witnessed first hand the concept of price points and mark-ups. Most things are marked up apprx 70%-80% when they first hit the floors. I cannot - CANNOT - buy anything that is not on sale and then on sale again.

WHY????

Why... WHY...FREAKING WHY DOES THE SHIT HIT THE FAN AT 4:45 ON FRIDAYS AROUND HERE?!?!?!?!

Happy freaking weekend people.....

Just for the record!

This morning Ben and I are snuggling in the big bed while Max is in the potty.
Ben: MAX!!!! Whatcha doin?
Max: Poopin
Ben: oooo... yucky!
Mommy: What do you mean yucky?
Ben: Poopin is yucky!
Mommy: No it's not! Everybody poops! Max poops, you poop, daddy poops, even mommy poops!
Ben: Grandma doesn't poop!
Mommy: Oh yes she does...
Ben: (very angry) No she DOESN'T!!

Probably because no one as pure as grandma could do something as yucky as that.....

You raise me up

A sweet Max story......

He is now in love with Josh Groban's "You raise me up" # 8 on the CD in the car to be exact - "Mommy push #8- you know You raise me up so I can walk on mountains and stormy seas, mommy, that one....."

So I put it on - he sings with all his heart, and I am so moved that I reach behind me with my hand out and he grabs it gently, "Mommy, you raise ME up....."

BAWL BAWL BAWL - I am bawling right now just writing it.


Oh and thanks to anonymous for the the "are you pregnant?" comment, yesterday - good laugh that I needed, but no.... I am NOT pregnant!

We need new phones

We need new phones.... everywhere.... the phones at the house do not work and our cell phones work only some of the time. We have been dragging our feet on this process because of several factors which I will list below:

- I want a 4 phone system for the house. We have digital phone service and only one line - meaning, I only have one working jack to place the "in-line" and then I want 3 other stations to place around the house. You would think this would be easy, but no. ALL 4 station phones have digital answering machines with them. I don't need a digital answering machine, and apparently you cannot just bypass the feature... this really irritates me....

- My precious husband has slowly watched the screen on his cell phone deteriorate to the point that it is just a pretty blob that resembles a sunshine. He has no idea who is calling, cannot receive texts, cannot use his address book, nothing. I do not always get calls anymore and the charge doesn't last for crap. We have gotten the letters from our current provider ATT - get a new cell phone just re-sign a contract. But I am not sure that we want to keep ATT - to be honest - who the hell has the best deals anyway. I don't have time to do this kind of research.

- I know the moment we make a decision on any of them, spend money we do not have or sign contracts - we will decide we hate it or that it doesn't work and we will be stuck with broken poor decisions for the next few years. So in other words, instead of choosing wrong, we just don't choose.

- the idea that this post makes me stressed and teary eyed is a problem - don't you think?

Why am I so tired???

I feel like I could sleep for a week..... I cannot find a schedule to save my life.

Happy 33 to Me!

Their VERY FIRST Camp Out!!

Not since Lewis and Clarke set out across the great unknown has their been so much excitement, planning, preparation, & anticipation.



A young man's first camp out is very important..pivotal, if you must, in the development of their relationship with nature. My husband - though he grew up in the hard knocks of Brooklyn - worshiped his adventures in the outdoors camping so much, that his first adult job was as a caretaker at a summer camp.



My husband has talked about taking his kids - note I am not apart of this scenario as he knows he is going to have to figure out how to get a 4-5 star hotel in tent for me to join them - anyhoo..... he has talked about taking his kids on camping trips since before they were in my womb. I knew we were around the corner from this event happening when he bought both of them sleeping bags - camping sleeping bags, not fuzzy action hero sleeping bags, but REAL sleeping bags, for their birthdays this year.

Well....today/tonight is the big event... tent, sleeping bags, hamburgers and hot dogs, flashlights and warm clothes... they are all set for the best night of their very young lives....







Even if it is only in the backyard.......
I am taking bets on what time they end up in my bed tonight......

My baby needs surgery

Yes, my sweet 3 yr old angel needs surgery and it is killing me.

Ben has always had difficulty with colds and snotty noses, and he always sounded like he has something stuck in his throat... well.... he does! As the ENT said, he has some "Texas-sized" tonsils sticking out there.

It has been an interesting journey coming to this decision. A lot of self doubt and denial, and a lot of mother's intuition and "I just gotta say it" comments from family and friends that helped to push the denial out of the way and assured me that, yes, he does have a problem, and no, I am not making a big deal out of it, and yes, we do need some intervention.

This past Fall we had a series of illnesses back to back with strep and swollen tonsils. It got to the point that Ben would wake up and bring me the tylenol and tell me he needed medicine because it hurt so bad. Even when he was well, his tonsils remained very engorged. This started me thinking.... ya know.... this is not the first time we have been down this road with him. Wait a minute, maybe the fact that he snores like a grown man isn't cute. And wait.... those throwing up episodes... HOLY CRAP!! That happens a lot. When we stopped and thought about it, Ben was throwing up - sometimes in the middle of the night - at least once a week. He knows when he gets food stuck in his enlarged tonsils, he runs to the bathroom, takes care of his business, then comes back to the table. The scariest episodes happen in the middle of the night. Luckily he has always come to enough when he started to choke when he is snoring, that he has never aspirated, but... oh, I don't even want to think about that. We even found a picture of him from the Christmas before (2006) - it was a beautiful perfect close up of nothing but his face with a wide open mouth, and sure enough, his tonsils were huge even then!

He is having surgery next month, May 5th. He was supposed to have it today, but the MD had scheduled it at a surgical center and I just did not feel comfortable having my three year old have surgery at an out patient clinic. I am already panicked at the idea that they are going to send me home with him just hours after the procedure. The doctor did not sugar coat it at all either - "No, it is pretty miserable pain, you need to give him the tylenol with codeine every 4 hours on the dot!" He also said that he doesn't have kids in the hospital for complications from the surgical site, but rather dehydration because the kids stop eating and drinking because of the pain.... now that sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I am glad we are resolving this, I am not looking forward to the event itself, and I am praying for a speedy recovery.

"Real World" turns 20

and suddenly I feel very, very old.....

This show (the original) is one of the reasons I moved to NY, which led to me finding myself, which led to me finding my husband, which led to my precious pumpkins sleeping hard in their bunk beds right now.

So thank you MTV.... and congrats on 20 years of voyeurism and ratings.

May I borrow that Soap Box?

Please feel free to skip over this entry. I promise you will not hurt my feelings. I am fully aware that I am about to stand tall on a soap box and shout to the crowd who may or may not want to hear what I have to say, but I gotta say it, and rather than ruin a lovely dinner party with my rantings, I will choose to air my thoughts out here:

THESE ARE ONLY MY OPINIONS AND EXPERIENCES BASED ON HAVING BOTH WORKED AND BEEN A PATIENT IN THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY -

1. THE MEDICAL INDUSTRY DOES NOT HAVE AUTHORITY OVER YOU
The medical industry will try very hard to create an environment of authority over you. They will try to make you feel inferior so you ask less questions and allow them to do what they need to do with as little friction as possible. They do not want you to ask too many questions because they may not have the answers and not having the answers takes away their authority.

2. ASK QUESTIONS - but be okay of you do not get the answers right away.
What I am trying to say is if the doctor speaks in medicaleeze and you do not understand what he is communicating to you, don't just shake you head because you are too scared to have the doctor think you don't understand. Say, "I don't understand, I don't follow you, what does this mean, what is the next step, what should we be looking for, what should we be worried about, what shouldn't we be worried about?" But at the same time, even thought medical technology has brought us to amazing places, the answers still are still not available immediately. There are still times when we have to wait and see.

3. ONLY YOU CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
I hate to say this, but the universe does not, in fact, revolve around us. We are not the only patients doctors have at any given time. If you are waiting for the results of a test or some bit of information that was promised to you, don't just sit around and spout off mean and angry things about your doctor and their office. Call them. "Do you have the results? When will you have them? Thank you I will call back then."

4. Your insurance EXPLANATION OF BENEFITS (EOB) is your best friend.
You know those things that you get in the mail that says the doctor/hospital charged "X" amount, it was adjusted to "Y" amount, patient owes "Z" amount? You only owe "Z" amount and do not allow nasty debt collectors to force you into paying anything more. And if "Z" amount doesn't sound right - GET ON THE PHONE - call you insurance company and ask why "Z" amount is so high!! "What is my benefit, what is covered?"

5. DO NOT ALLOW OUT OF NETWORK PROVIDERS TO RUN YOU OVER THE COALS
Have you ever noticed that when you go to the doctor and subsequently go to the hospital or get tests or whatever, there always seems to be ONE provider who is out of network - the anesthesiologist or the radiologist reading the x-ray or whatever. Something you had no previous knowledge of and no control over and now all of a sudden, you owe hundreds of dollars because they are out of network. DO NOT STOP HERE - do not just pay or allow your credit to go to crap because you couldn't possibly pay. You go back to your insurance company and you appeal. You tell them that you went to an in network provider, who then referred you to in network care/testing, and you had no choice when it came the out of network provider. They will, 9 times out of 10, reprocess the claim at an in-network rate.

6. BILLING DEPARTMENTS WILL NOT REVIEW THEIR MISTAKES - OR CORRECT THEM - WITHOUT YOU.
I know this is hard to believe, but they are not perfect. They tend to make clerical errors, but crazy thing is, they do not care. MOST billing is done all electronically, meaning, it is a series of codes that is entered into a computer, those are electronically sent to your insurance company, if the codes match, money is electronically sent to their bank accounts and POOF it is done with no human hands ever reviewing it. So here is what happens - an error occurs - the wrong code gets put into the computer, the insurance company rejects it - notifies the MD/hospital computer that it is not paid - and once a month a statement will get sent to you saying you owe them "X" amount because it is not covered by insurance. THEY DO NOT TAKE THE TIME TO REVIEW OR APPEAL UNLESS YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND BRING IT TO THEIR ATTENTION!!!!!

Oh I could go on, but I think I have bored enough of you to tears already....

My point to all of this is - EMPOWER YOURSELF - don't just sit there and be railroaded through the system. Be the squeaky wheel. But at the same time don't be the ANNOYING squeaky wheel. Know your rights.

Okay - I am done - anyone need the soap box next? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

An Undying Love

The love and devotion between my grandparents is breath taking. They are 92 and 89 and have been married for 68 years come this May.

My grandfather has been ill for several years. Dementia has slowly crept in like rising water levels, slow enough for them to manage, but to an outside person coming in to see them, they are amazed at how well they function together.

For 68 years they have been constantly by each other's side. If one was in the hospital, the other was sleeping in the chair next to the bed. Absolute devotion.

Over a week ago, my grandfather fell while getting out of the shower. My grandmother - who still bathes him even though she is 89 herself - had turned around for a moment, he lost his balance while drying off and fell. He broke 5 ribs.

Thanks to a hospital system that refuses to listen and thinks they have all the answers, they took a functioning 92 yr old man who was still able to walk, feed himself and function in day to day life with assistance and in 48 hours gave us a bed bound vegetable who couldn't do anything for himself. It wasn't until my mother and I got there and started questioning every drug that wandered in every 2 hours that we were able to plant our feet in the ground and refuse all the "help" they were giving us. No he does not need blood pressure medicine, he was not on blood pressure medicine before, it is elevated because he is in pain. No he doesn't need Alzheimer and anti-psychotic drugs, he functions just fine, you don't just drug him to drug him.

I could go on, but this is a post for another time, back to our love story.

My point is, this is the first time they have been apart for as long as they have been apart. My grandmother cannot tolerate being in the hospital for long hours at a time, and just recently has become ill from the stress. The first day we arrived at the hospital and she did not come in after us, grandpa asked for her then broke into tears of worry when we told him that she was resting because she wasn't feeling well. He was worried that no one was with her and she might fall. This poor sweet man with 5 broken ribs, a chest tube and weak as a kitten was worried to tears over his precious wife of 68 years, not even thinking of himself. They pulled the chest tube and immediately he started asking for his clothes and wanting to talk to the doctor, because he wanted to go home.

He is not going to go home, at least not anytime soon. We will be transferring him to a rehab nursing facility for awhile, and the decision may have to made that he has to stay there. No one..... absolutely no one can have that conversation with them. I know my poor grandmother is torn between her undying devotion to him and her knowledge that she cannot take care of him anymore. I don't know if the answer is them living apart, or living together with live in help, or what.

Oh, it is so beautiful and it is absolute torture all at the same time.

Not my proudest mommy moment

So I am back after a whirl wind trip to visit grandparents.... more on that later.

I am tired, I am achy from sleeping on a blow up air mattress, I am not in the mood for:

"Mommy..... can we sleep with you tonight?"
"No, baby, mommy sleeps with daddy."
"But you ALWAYS get to love on daddy and we really miss you and, mommy, PLEASE can we sleep with you tonight?"
"Baby, it is a school night and mommy is really tired...."
BIG HUGE TEARS
"Mommy.....PLEASE!!!! I REALLY REALLY NEED YOU!!!!"
"Okay... here is the deal, mommy is not going to bed right now. You both go lie in your bed. When it is time for mommy to go to sleep, I will come into your room. If you are still awake, you can come down and sleep with me."

Z-O-O-M.....off to bed they went.

I am now sitting here browsing the Internet and waiting for them to go to sleep.

IN MY DEFENSE: I am utterly exhausted and I cannot sleep with children kicking and rolling all over me all night. I promise I will make it up to them...

Off to grandmother's house I go....

Yes, little red riding hood is off to grandmother's house again. My grandfather is still in the hospital and now, after having symptoms for about 2 weeks, my grandmother admitted to my mother that she is not feeling well either. She of course didn't want to say anything because my grandfather was so sick.

.... there are generations of women in my family that back burn their issues for others. I know there is a purpose, but sometimes life just sucks, the cards dealt are not in your favor and you have to roll with the punches.

I need to get some good books on CD. I have a feeling we will be making alot of these trips in the near future.

Note to self

I have got to update the blog roll the the right.

I don't go to half of the blogs because half of them have stopped blogging.

I have about 10 more listed in the history of my search bar that I go to daily, but I am too lazy include them in the blog roll.

I probably could have completed updating my blog roll in the time it has taken me to write this blog, but since I am tired and can't find 2 sticks to rub together, I am going to just sit here and pout to all of you and write about things I could change but really just don't have the energy too.......

pout pout pout......

You are all excused now......

Only the Today Show

Only the Today show attempts to announce the reunion of the New Kids on the Block back to back with the announcement of a civil rights walk commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Martin Luther King Jr. assassination.

And only I sit there and watch it, genuinely interested in both topics.

If only we could hit the lottery.....

Truth is.... I would love to have a gaggle of children. Okay, maybe not a gaggle, but certainly a third child and maybe even a fourth. What holds us back, you ask? The fact that our mortgage and our daycare are the same. The fact that I pay the equivalent of 3 car payments a month in child care.

I know that we cannot afford to have a large family and I know that we are not willing to sacrifice and live below our means in order for me to not work and stay at home with our children.

Where is this conversation coming from??? Well, for the very first time ever I am hearing the proverbial clock ticking. I have several people my age who have recently given birth, are about to give birth, or have one coming around the bend pretty soon. Mike just turned 40. I am turning 33. Do I really want to have a teenager at my 50th birthday party??

So I find myself walking down a road of "maybes" & "what ifs" and the thoughts and ideas of our expanding family get further and further away. Baby things that are in the attic are being placed on the garage sale list. I justify it in my mind by saying, even if we had another child, I would want a different/newer version of that thing anyway so why not sell it now..... it hurts less to say that. Because I cannot tell myself, there will be no more babies. I just cannot go there.

Graduation season is approaching

So yesterday I received the flyer to order Max's cap and gown for the graduation ceremony next month. Yes, my baby is going to be graduating from pre-k and heading off to that big bad world of big boy school and kindergarten. I was explaining to him how proud I was and how I was going to cry and he very coldly stated, "Oh mommy... don't cry. I am just a big boy now!"

JUST a big boy now!?!?!?!

I am pretty sure I am going to embarrass myself grately when it comes to the ceremonial events in my children's lives. Just thinking of him in his cap and gown got me teary eyed. I can't even talk about what I am going to be like on the first day of school!!

This morning he was writing in his notebook with his pencil - MOOSE A. MOOSE.
"Do you see mommy? This is how you write Moose A. Moose's name...see... 'm-o-o-s-e...(etc)' And do you want me to write his friends name? 'Z-E-E'... see... just like that... this says both of their names."

I am not sure if it is normal to become dizzy with pride and want to pass out because your child has instantly become the smartest child alive.

The Festival of Rebekanukah

Yes, ladies and and gents.... with the arrival of the April showers, we enter the month of my birth. April - nick named Rebekanukah after my name and the Jewish festival of lights - my festival of lights this year will include 33 candles plus one to grow on. I wish I could say this was my clever idea, but no.... this named festival is merely a tip of the hat in homage to my dear friend, Todd, whose festival of Toddikah is celebrated 15 days prior to and 15 days after his day of birth in September.

In celebration of Rebekanukah, I have decided to attempt another NaBloPoMo - meaning I am going to attempt to blog every day during April. Here are some topics we have to look forward to this month:

- Well... Me... because Lord knows I like to talk about me and my endless journey to find "me"!
- The boys - Ben is having surgery, Max is graduating pre-k... oh so much to talk about!
- My grandpa, his fall, our experiences in the hospital and my soap box lectures to all of you on the importance of empowerment of the patient and caregivers in the medical industry.
- The arrival of Riley - Todd and Allison's sweet baby girl!

I am looking forward to this month and this challenge.... And no, this is not an April Fool's joke, I really really really am going to try every day!!

Speaking of April Fool's jokes:

Max: why is today april fool?
Mommy: I really don't know... but it is a day where you tell jokes and make each other laugh.
Max: Oh
Mommy: Do you want to make a joke?
Max: YES!!!!!
Mommy: Okay.... when we get home...(whisper whisper whisper whisper)
Max: (beaming and clapping his hands) okay okay okay!!!

Drive into the drive way and daddy is washing his truck - Max jumps out of the car and runs over to him

Max: Daddy, daddy...GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! I am going to be a BIG BROTHER AGAIN!!!!
Daddy: (looking at me and talking to him) What did you just say?
Max: Ha Ha!! APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!

Daddy then excused himself to change his underwear.....

Just a tease...

Okay okay okay...... so I am way out of tune with the blogging scene right now, but I promise I will come back with avengence and tell you all about flu's and rodeos and baby showers and easter egg hunts, but quite frankly, most of you readers were there and already know about it so there......

But I gotta share this...... I lu-hu-hved this.....one of the best dancers I have seen in awhile.

40!!!!!!!!!!

40...40....40.....40.....40.....40

this man is 40!!!




TODAY!!

Can you believe it?!?!?!

I am married to a 40 yr old man?!?!?!?

What a cradle robber!!

Thank goodness your friends are dragging you out into the forest for a weekend of manly things being done in manly way, because I need some time to absorb this information!!


Happy Birthday, my sweet Ta Ta!!!

A New Earth: Chapter One

So I just finished watching the first class of the 10 week lecture series Oprah is hosting on her website.

Deep breath

I tried watching it live on Monday night. I was really quite amused with myself because as the minutes ticked away, closer and closer to the time I was going to be going up stairs and watching, I felt like it was the first day of school. I was so excited, I couldn't keep myself in check. I would try to just enjoy dinner with my family, but I found myself checking the clock and realizing only a few minutes would have passed. I got upstairs, started the class and was elated at the thought that I was apart of something that hundreds of thousands of people were doing at the exact same time. We were all focused and together and discussing and processing the same thing at the exact same time..... and guess what... technology has not quite caught up with mass consciousness. Within a few moments it was clear that my computer was not meant be apart of the process that night.

But that was okay.....because as it was discussed in the class, it doesn't matter if the collective group is present... it matters if I am present.

Anyway, I watched it tonight. It was great....it opened my eyes to some wonderful concepts, helped clarify some things that have bounced in my head for years, and validated some things that I have already come to embrace in my life.

I am being so vague here, because, well, in my mind, the thoughts are happening much faster than fingers can type.

The biggest moment for me, I guess, would have to be asking the following question:

What does life want of me?
What does GOD want of me?

...not what do I want out of life or what do I want from God.....

but

What does GOD want of me?

The answers are in the stillness and do not always come right away.... patience.....

From the very first time I heard "God is trying to tell you something", the gospel hymn sung in the movie "The Color Purple", my soul was shaken to it's core. Every time the movie was on, I would turn the volume up and weep. Two years ago, I found it online and downloaded it onto a CD and listened to it in my car or during my workout, over and over and over...."When you can't sleep at night, and you are sure wondering why, God is trying to tell you something......SPEAK TO ME, LORD"

In the quiet, in the stillness, I would know what was being asked of me. If I didn't respond - the voice, the urge, the thought, would grow deeper or get louder. When I would finally answer, doors would open wide and big neon signs would light the way and opportunity would come dripping from the ceilings.

Well.... last year, the same situation happened. The voice, the dreams, the pressure to follow. I did. I reluctantly did, but I did, and again, open doors.

But then, it got ugly. I got to a door and it was closed. It was closed, dead bolted, and sealed around the edges. Uhm, excuse me?!? Knock knock? Did you hear the song? I am here.... I did what you said.... Do you see all those doors swung wide open behind me?? I think you are supposed to be doing that as well.... would you be so kind to open up?

No answer

Hey... stupid door... did you hear me?!?!? I have purpose, I have momentum.....OPEN UP!!!!

No answer

Great... just great. I must have gone through a wrong door I must have heard the voice wrong this time... way to go.... you screwed this one up.....

Well, no... no I didn't. This door is not meant to be opened yet. It is not time to open that door yet. I am not ready to open it and the room on the other side is not ready to be revealed. God would like me to stay in this room.

What does GOD want of me?

The answers are in the stillness and do not always come right away.... patience....

The path to enlightenment is never an easy one.....

I have decided that I am going to participate in Oprah's latest adventure .

This is an online series for the next 10 weeks and it relates to a book called "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Well... if I am gonna participate, I should read the book, right? Right....

Yesterday, I am out and about shopping at various places. Oh yeah... I gotta get that book! I am at Sam's wholesale wandering the book aisles but no luck. Oh well, perhaps it is more of an underground kind of book.

I stop at Borders books - ask the employee at the little desk - "Uhm, so sorry ma'm, I just gave her our final copy." Another employee sighs and says, "That is so weird, we just had a rush on those the past few days." I tell them about the Oprah webinar and then I head out the door.

Off to Barnes and Noble - "Well, ma'm... we can add you to the list to hold a copy for when it comes in..."

Crap... maybe more people are doing this than I thought would do this......

Half Price Books - Nope

Kroger - I see a small turny kiosk near the check out with best sellers on it. I start to look and I see a woman rush up next to me and search up and down frantically. I get up and head down the aisle where the rest of the books are and she follows and passes me. Clearly we are looking for the same thing. We are looking in the same places and sighing and moving on once we see that blank spot where you can tell the book used to be.

Think, Rebecca - Think.... where would they sell bestseller books...because apparently this IS a bestseller, can't keep it on the shelf, kind of book???

Walgreen's?!?!? Nada

Target? - I doubt it... if these other places were out, I am SURE Target would be out.....

WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! I could see the beautiful orange cover from 4 aisles away. I quickly grab 2 copies and call a friend who I think would be interested in reading this to make sure she had a copy. She has had a copy for awhile, so I can release my clutch and replace one of the books.

Anyway... I have the book... it is lovely... I am really looking forward to this journey and I hope to share some of it with you here. If you are taking the same journey, please let me know, I would love to discuss it with you! Here is a video about it just to give you a little idea about what it is about:

I, TOO, am training to be a superhero....

It was a foggy morning in metropolis. I was on my way to my undercover day job behind the desk. My super sensitive mommy radar detected a disturbance in the force as I was driving, and just ahead of me I noticed 4 beautiful dogs all attached to one walking leash running madly on the sidewalk, a cocker spaniel, a lab-like puppy, a beagle, and a chiuaua - all the same auburn and white coloring. I followed them slowly and looked around to see if there was an owner chasing from behind out of breath. I was hoping this would be an easy "save the day", but as a superhero, you gotta do what you gotta do.

At one point they realized I was tracking them and they reversed direction. I, too reversed direction, not bothering to use my radar to detect if anyone was behind me which they were. They managed to use their superhero honker horn to alert me of this potential fatal error. Luckily chaos was averted - and potential bumper damage. My new honker honker horn superhero friend stopped and offered aid in my quest. We grabbed the leash and while I translated care and concern through "Das a gud puppa.... good puppas..... gooooooooodd puuuhhhhhpaaaaaaahhhhhhs!!" she grabbed her cell phone and started calling the several numbers on the tags.

No answers anywhere.... dagnabbit..... foiled.... what to do?!?!? what to do?!?!?

We get a phone call back. "Ray" is supposed to be watching all the dogs. "Ray" lives near where we are. "Ray" is an elderly diabetic.

Okay... now there may be a bigger story here than just a puppy rescue. There is a potential sick man somewhere around here who could have collapsed while walking his dogs. We find out where this man lives. I call my office and have them direct me to his house. We will start there and try to figure out how the puppies got from there to where we found them.

Luckily, we did not have to. As we approach his house, we see him in his pajamas and a coat looking for the dogs, just in the opposite direction of where they went. He thanked us over and over and over again.......no problem sir... all in a days work....

Now I smell like wet puppy.....

I know you are here......

Oh L-a-u-r-e-n.........

I know you are here.....
I see you in the blogosphere....

You are hiding from me.........

Thank you, Pantene

I would like to thank Pantene for ruining one of the greatest "fight for life - don't give up" type theme songs.... I used to listen to Unwritten and sing at the top of my lungs with hope and enthusiasm.... now I just think about how much shampoo I have in my shower and start a mental list for Walmart.

Last night at our house.....

Last night was a night where everyone was in their own room doing their own thing kind of nights. I was in my bedroom watching television. Max wanders in and heads into the bathroom. He takes care of his business and the next thing you know he has gotten undressed and turned the shower on and gotten in. I am not exactly clear if daddy has sent him in to do this (which happens a lot) or if he has chosen to do this on his own. What is remarkable this time is that he was in his own little world the entire time. He did not even acknowledge my existance or request my assistance.

It happened to be at a crucial part of my TV show so I let him stand in the shower for a bit, and then I thought...he can do this himself. So I grab the towel off the rack and open the shower door:

Me: Buddy, you think you could take care of all of this by yourself tonight?
Max: (looks at me with this empty stunned expression)...uhm.. well... I can't wash my back....
Me: Okay, how about I wash your back, but can you take care of the rest?
Max: Uhm, ... yeah... Yes, YES I CAN!

So I leave him and go back to my TV show. The next thing you know, he has showered, dried himself off, put his PJs on, brushed his teeth and COMBED HIS HAIR!!! He then walks in front of me and presents himself with arms wide open in a "TA DA!"

Mommy: Max ... I am so proud of you!! That was a very big boy thing of you to do and I want to thank you for doing it so well!!
Max: Uhm, mommy... now that I am a big boy and can do it all by myself... can I take a shower by myself in my own shower upstairs?
Mommy: Yes, angel... this weekend when we go to the store, you can pick out the soap and shampoo for your shower.

He grins from ear to ear and high tails it out of the room - 10 feet taller and off to tell daddy all about it!

Did I mention Ben is training to be a Superhero?

Ahhhhh... let us back up a little then.....

Well, we have discussed previously that Ben has no fear... well he is scared of the dark, but that is different.... he has no fear in his physical limitations. He pretty much throws himself down slides, climbs the highest peaks and jumps off of them.... yadda yadda .....

The other night he was jumping on our bed. It was more like flinging himself onto the pillows he had stacked in the middle. The "good mother" part of me started to stop him because we do not jump on beds, but then I realized what he was doing. He wasn't just jumping up and down, he wasn't just falling forward, he was flinging his feet behind him, reaching his arms in front of him, pausing in the air and allowing gravity to bring him down. He did this a few times in rapid succession, and I got Mike's attention who was showering Max. I gave big eyes to Mike, like, LOOK AT WHAT OUR CHILD IS DOING!!!! He then comes closer and Ben realizes we are watching him. He doesn't stop, he proceeds to tell me exactly what he is doing " You see mommy..(pant pant pant), I haff to keek my feet like dis...(pant, jump)... and then I go down!

Okay... my child is trying to fly......

Today, he is getting out of the car. Normally he gets out of his chair and either jumps to the ground or sits down and wiggles out of the car. Today, he gives me his evil flirty eyes and the next thing he does is place both hands on the top of the door and flings the door further open with his force, dangles from the door for a moment then releases his grip and falls the floor.

Apparently this is practice for when he is dangling off the side of a building while saving the day.

I think I need to get this child into gymnastics classes.

I DID ask....

Let me preface this with, I DID ask if he was okay and if I needed to call 9-11 BEFORE laughing.......

So this morning I hear...BOOM BADDA BOOM BANG CRASH....coming down the stairs. I run from the bedroom out towards to the noise. Max RUNS into me like a chicken with his head cut off, "DADDY FELL ... AND HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND AND AND AND AND HE BROKE THE WALL!!!!""

Okay, okay.... I come around the corner to see Mike lying on the floor, and yes, his foot was still in the wall.

Apparently he was carrying Max down the stairs and slipped about 1/3 of the way from the ground floor. I desperately try to wipe the smirk off my face and look concerned and ask about his condition while trying to help him up. I get him to a seated position and remove his foot from the wall. Max is still running around, so I ask Mike if he fell on Max - and he said - uhm, no.... I was carrying him in the front so he pretty much just surfed down the stairs on me!

Ben - quiet as a mouse slides his way down the wall to look at the hole..."Daddy, why you break da wall whif yur fut?"

Seriously, Universe?!?!?!?

There is nothing like a practical joke from God to kick start your morning.....

So I am running late this morning because I was packing for a weekend trip we will be taking. I get everything organized and we are off to school and work. I have to run a few errands prior to heading to work, like oil change, inspection done, get car washed, gas up, yadda yadda yadda....

I am BLOCKS from the place where I get my oil changed and inspection done and what do I see in my rear view mirror?!?!? Flashing lights! WTF?!?!?! I am NOT speeding! I am the queen of school zones and purposely slow down even more to slow the bastards that try to speed through zones... I KNOW he is not coming after ME!!!!!

Is there a problem officer?
Yes, ma'm.. you have an expired inspection sticker.
(are you serious?!?!?) Officer... I promise you I am heading to the corner of (X) and (Y) to the Kwik oil change place... we are heading out of town and I am going RIGHT NOW to take care of this...(panic look to the backseat at the kids) We are going on a trip, right guys?!?!
Max: Yes, sir, we are going to see Grandma and Grandpa Tula.....
Officer, I would not have my 5 yr old and 3 yr old lie about this.
Yes, Ma'm.... let me see your license and proof of insurance.
(CRAP CRAP CRAP...WHY IS HE GIVING ME A TICKET FOR THIS?!?!?!?!?)

He is gone, what seems like forever, and the next thing you know his partner is getting out of the car and walking around my car. Seriously, WTF?!?!? I see her glance towards the registration and nod to the officer in approval and she heads back to the car. He comes up and gives me a warning.

Thank you, sir.... thank you, thank you, thank you.....you can follow me right now if you want...
That won't be necessary, ma'm.